Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 2, Episode 5

Our story picks up with your humble heroes spread about Miami, apparently all at different clubs while Ron and Sam are teetering on the relationship edge. Or, exactly like the last 3 episodes...

-Apparently it is gayfest week in Miami, so J-Woww and Snicole decide they want to dance with some shirtless fags. Sadly, MVP isn't around, so they meet up with some random gay dudes to really have some fun.

(ASIDE: If you ask a guy what an awful night would entail they would probably say being stuck in a room with thousands of attractive single girls who dance with you, flirt with you, but have absolutely no interest in fucking you. If you flip the genders in that scenario, you have the "best night of the year" for girls. I do not understand bitches.)

{Even further ASIDE: Has anyone ever met a straight dude named Rudy? I mean the most famous Rudy right now is actually named Rudy Gay. And the movie Rudy is about some twink who sucks}

-Emilio actually gets mad about his girlfriend dancing with gay dudes. Jeeeeallllllloooouuuuussss, much? /gay voice

-MVP "spontaneously" ends up in a "Situation" where they have too many girls and too little dick. And one is supposedly a Grenade. Which one? I have no idea. I guess up close the boys could tell which of them were plastic and which one would "explode all over Ronnie's room." Really sad he wasn't there as well, as it would have been great to kill two birds with one grenade.

(Personal ASIDE: I have never had a problem with grenades because I have standards [or lack of game /self burn] and my friends love fatties)

Also, is it really a surprise to anyone that these guys finally get laid during Gay Fest?

-Some staged Angelina and Mikey drama leads to her being "excluded from dinner," but then they reconcile during a commercial break or something. Then no one ruins grace. So disapointing.

-"That's the word of the day: Sympathetic. That's a big word." -SNOOOKKKERRRS

-Sam finds the letter.

-Whole bunch of drama.

-"Wisely" is used in the letter, so Ron knows Snook-a-loop couldn't be involved. Because Ron isn't an idiot...besides that whole idea that he wouldn't be caught cheating while having a TV crew tape his every move.

-The Situation's cackling reaction to the situation is so awesome in this situation. It appears Sam and Ron are in quite the situation. Snooki would prefer we call it a pickle.

-"If it's on paper, it's true." I wrote that Mike was gay earlier. Now I'm printing it out anonymously. Gotta be true, I guess.

-"If they end up back together she looks like the dumbest bitch." She (Sam-man) is already pretty far ahead of the competition in that race.

Next Week: Sammy will hook up with a black dude. Ron will have a three-way with some freaky foreign bitches. Pauly will actually factor in the show. Vinny and Pauly D will actually do something entertaining.

Oh, wait. That is what should happen. Instead, Ron and Sam will fight. And the Situation will spit really contrived catchphrases. At least the J-Woww-Sammy rumble should take place, but if I know MTV (and I do), that will be at the DRAMATIC CONCLUSION of the episode.


In other news, FOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTBBBBBBAAAAALLLLLLL is almost here. Get ready for my CSU preview, Broncos preview, and for me to spit hatred at any team/person that dares try to defeat my favorite teams.

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 2, Episode 4

The thing I find most amazing about this show...that a whole episode can pass and not a thing changes, yet I still fucking love it.

Seriously, all the comments in this episode put it on notice as a possible classic. AND NO ONE EVEN PUNCHED ANYONE YET!!!!

We pick up with Rambo (Ronnie & Little Bitchie Sambo) fighting and the Boys at the club. As opposed to, I dunno, every other episode, which begins with the Boys at a club and Rambo fighting. Also, Snooki and J-Wizzow have returned from their dinner date, in which they have decided they should tell Sam about Ronald's' cheating ways, but they don't actually wish to tell her.

-Snook-a-look calls Gorilla Juicehead Emilio at like 4AM to catch up. Apparently he is a little cocked: "There's half-naked girls everywhere. Whatever. Bye. Peace. Fuck you."

What a charmer. Ronnie should take notes. (Foreshadowing: It appears he was.)

Snooks responds: "This is why the lesbian rate in America is going up." I did not know this was a fact. Welp, the more you know.

Then she calls the house "a big ball of fuckness." I think it's fuckness. Stupid MTV editing, but Imma use that word phrase. "Your face is a big ball of fuckness."

-Sam, evidently oblivious to Snooki's lifechanging events get-out-of-jail-free-for-fucking-other-dudes card, decides to make the situation all about herself. "Is Ron doing that to me?" If blank stares and shrugged shoulders are your only answer, the answer is yes.

-Emilio calls back. Really, he should be on the next season. His retardation makes drunken Ronnie look like a Harvard grad. Telling your girlfiend you fucked another chick twice then saying "LOL ROFLCOPTER I WUZ MAKING THA FUNNY" is on par with declaring Mission Accomplished in Iraq and actually having said war end 7 FUCKING YEARS LATER /current events jokes because we just pulled out of Iraq. You know who else should have pulled out? All of these people's parents.

Snicky response: "Go fuck yourself and die." Well done. Hey Sammy, write that down and use it for Ron.

-Emilio keeps up the entertainment by calling back, wondering if J-Wow's proclamation that she will fly to NJ and beat his ass is a "voicemail." This is Kenneth on 30 Rock level dumb, (Aside: 2nd quote of that clip might be the best ever. The alcohol/whitey one) except his person is allegedly real.

-Next time I break up I'm having J-Wow do it for me.* She just rips Emilio to shreds. On the BS Report they discuss how she could be a great pro wrestler, but I think she would be better served to start a phone message break-up service.

*This based on the assumption that I ever actually break-up with anyone instead of just avoiding them at all costs until they give up.**


**Unless, you know, they move home in shame in order to rectify whatever mistakes led them into my life.

-Ron: "I don't like tests, that is why I didn't go to college."

-After Samantha tells him to go fuck himself, Ronald McD: "I fuck myself every day I'm with you." BUUUUU-uuuu-UUUU-RRRR-NNNN.

Add this to their, "I'm not staying home like a bitch." "You are a bitch," exchange and Ron-Ron is just killing her.

-Angelina (who I may or may not have referred to as Angelica about 20 times in this blog, not a good sign for her Q-Rating), wears out her "trash bag outfit."

"I think Victoria should have kept that a secret." -Vincent, who is delivering the one-liners this year, but I need him to deliver more creeping. Where is the Situation's sister to spice shit up? And where the fuck is the Situation? Having a bigger sophomore slump than Eddie Royal (His only highlight is ruining dinner, which is much weaker than ruining grace) [Notice that I finally related this show to sports].

-Situation: "(Sammy) isn't that stupid..." to notice that everyone is awkward when they are discussing the biggest cheater in the house (AKA Ron). Actually, based on her behavior, she might just be that fucking stupid.

-J-Wow's tits should have their own intro to the show. Those babies are stars. Stars that wish to go separate ways like Stuart Scott's eyes.

-That isn't the first time someone has farted in Snooki's mouth, just guessing.

-"We'll write an anonymous letter. No one will put 2 and 2 together." Until they fucking watch the MOTHERFUCKING SHOW! This will be televised. You are aware of this. God damn, MTV, quit scripting stupid shit. These people are fucking morons, just let them do their own stupid shit.


I can't beleive there are still Internet Cafes (Why is spell check telling me there is no plural of Cafe? WTF. Sorry I don't know how to type goofy Surrender Monkey accents). Who goes to those anymore? Perverts and Europeans? Wait, same thing. IF you can't afford the Internet anymore you aren't smart enough to deserve to use it. That should be a rule.

-Vinny, atop the club: "I am Caesar!"  BEST. LINE. EVER. I am using that whenever I go out. This may even surpass "I can't feel my face." I just need a clever hand gesture.

-Somewhere in her Ron leaves in a cab while Sammy runs back. Blablabla this wasted about 10 of the total 30 minutes of action during this episode.

-Vin: "I don't want girls who who are studying for finals, I want girls who are studying for dick." Ah, Vin, you missed out on the obvious "But I do want girls that have plenty of brains like they studied at Cambridge." /Lil' Wayne joke.

-Holy shit, I tried to avoid writing about it as much as possible, but can Rambo just break up. Seriously, Sammy gives Ron more chances to come back than the Cleveland Browns gave John Elway. WHOOOOOO! (Cue: Pucak family in Greater Cleveland Area cutting me out of family tree).


-Then I kinda got drunk and stopped noting what happened. Then I accidentaly deleted the episode. Don't think much else happened. Something with Angelina trying to weasel out of the letter (ALERT: FORSHADOWING) and then I'm pretty sure they end up at a club while Rambo was fighting.

NEXT WEEK: The "anonymous" letter gets delivered, Rambo fight, Mike and Pauly try to remain relevant by bringing multiple groups of girls back to the house, proving yet again how terrible at "Smooshing" they are (said by someone who is pretty bad at it himself, but I don't have a fucking TV crew and MTV CC to help me out).

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 2, Episode 3

Guess what? I skipped blogging last week's episode. Because it was relatively weak (and I was well on my way to blacking out when I watched. And because I actually had friends and a couple nights off work so I gelled my hair up and did my own Shore thang). But mostly because it was a wizzeak episode.

But this week had some redeaming entertaining segments, so I locked in to watch.

All we missed last week was Ronnie/Sam domestic intranquility and the Guidos getting the world's gayest job. Gelatto. How much stereotypical could we get? Why not get them a job at a place where they are interesting to watch, like, I dunno, a club? Or no job at all, since that is exactly what these fucktans are trained for.

Oh, and Angelina was a bitch. Shhhhhoooooooockkkkkkkkerrrr /gay voice

-We pick up with a really steamed Pauly D screaming at a blacked-out Angelina. Foolishly they have woken the slumbering monstrosity that is the J-Woww. Somehow, disappointingly, everyone escaped alive.


-Angelina: "Can I like get a "Get out of jail free card?'" No, honey, blacking out doesn't give you immunity. I've tried that defense, but it doesn't hold up in court. Fucking uptight judges.

-Vincenzo, the Sicilian WOP: "If someone can cut a black person's hair then they can usually cut mine." You know why? Well, I'll just let Dennis Hopper explain: "Let me get this egg off my face."

-Vincenzenino: "She's got the Old Snook Look. Kinda makes me hot." Snookers: "You trying to smush right now?" Pauly D: (Bug eyes) "Ummmm, who knows?" First class theater right there.

-Vincente: "Jenny's tits definetly defy gravity. I think Albert Einstien should come back and rewrite this laws of physics around Jenny's tits."

Newton did more of the work with physics, dawg. Einstein Relativity. But neither can explain J-Woww's boobs staying afloat like that.

-Ronald does the "I Can't Feel My Face." is there a more appropriate dance for Ron to do in a club in M-I-YAYO?

Aside: God dammit, I was so on that wayyyy before everyone. Example 4,000 of me being way ahead of my time. Same with "No Homo." Ask Sailor about our blacked out Jeeping trip freshman year. Ahem, no homo.

Also, how can they not figure out what is going on with Ron. "Gee, derderder, Ron goes out to the clubs, drinks and become a different human. He chugs champagne, vodka and dances like a maniac. He is crazy happy. I don't get it?" Maybe some hardcore drugs mixed with massive overcompensation for being a bitch in season one?

-Best part of the club scene is when Pauly D just picks Ron up like a child and carries him out. I bet Ronnie is so small he doesn't even come up to my hanging nutsack.

-Vin: "I need companionship." Snooks: "Like a dog?" V: "Yes."  Seconds pass...
Snookie: "Wanna fuck?" Vinny: "Sure." Mr. Roooo-Roooo-Mantic.

Really sad they didn't smooooossshhh.

-Team MVP (named because, much like Kobe in the finals, these guys shoot about 6/24 in the clutch /Simmons joke) has a clever "plan" to ditch Angie- sprint away when she turns her head. Tricky.

-The whole grenade scene is retarded. Why go through all the work to bring the girls back just to run them off. At that point, just bust your N and then give 'em the heave-ho.

Why now get all picky? I have never seen these guys hook up with any girls that aren't grenades. I mean, really. I'm racking my brain and I can't really remember any hot girls. Them being charter members of the "Grenade Free Foundation" is like a mosque being build on ground zero Al-Queda being a charter member of the United Nations.

-On the BS Report Jack-O likened Ron-n-Sam to OJ and Nicole. Pretty apt comparison. So the real question is, which lucky guy gets to play the role of the waiter? Kato is still looking for a job.

Next Week: Rambo/Sambo drama hour continues. I shoot myself as MTV wastes another episode on those twats. MORE DRINKY-DRINKY, LESS TALKY-TALKY, allright?