Monday, October 25, 2010

Sack, Edy & Dj Stringer Bell Discuss the NBA: Get Your Ice Cold Hatorade

In less than 24 hours the most anticipated NBA season of my lifetime tips off. It has been a polarizing offseason, one so eventful it almost seems just yesterday the Lakers knocked off the Celtics in one of the least entertaining game sevens of all-time. 

In order to help my loyal readers sort everything out, I am joined again by the illustrious heir to the Edy's Ice Cream fortune, Mr. TJ Edy, who has stopped by before to help me savage the NBA (here, here and here). What he and I lack in knowledge and divine prognosticating skills we make up for in snark and hate. Mostly aimed at each other. 

(We will discuss the Nuggets tomorrow, don't fret) 

We are also proud to announce that, much like ESPN, that no sports discussion is solid if there are only two voices, you need a third voice bantering about recklessly, so I would like to introduce Rory aka DJ Stringer Bell, whose hippity-hoppity knowledge and irrational/slightly homicidal tendencies really help balance Edy and myself.

I will be rocking the traditional font, because I can. Edy will speak in Italics, because he is part-French. Mr. Bell will be in the blue because it goes best with the theme of my blog and because he is prolly C-walkin' while writing this.

Stringer: I’d like to preface this preview by stating that in order to get me
in the appropriate writing mood, I will be relying on the movie Belly
as my Ebony Muse.

Edy: And I would like to preface my muse as Civil War and Slavery
stories on the History Channel, you can imagine my general attitude
toward the 2010 NBA…

And with those lovely sentiments, we're off:
This guy is a real cocksucker. 
Who wears a Cowboy hate to a baseball game?

LeBron:
I will just point out how I called him my most hated player in
the league last season. I totally called this shit. I will also mock
him for being Scotty Pippen 2.0.

The Heat in General: Can we stop the coronation of them as the rulers of the
league just yet? Yes, they will be one of the top 4, but they haven't
proven anything yet? D-Wade may have a little history, but without a
dominant center and every call from the refs he hasn't done a whole
lot in the past four years. And Chris Bosh is just all-universe ugly and
won't be that effective as the number 3 option. Sorry, but he is gonna
be pissed when Bron and Wade each jack up 25 shots per night. I bet he
doesn't even average 20 this season. He is a defensive liability.

Edy: #ThingsThatWorryMeThisSeason, The amount of free throws this team
will take will break the record for most trips to the foul line.  “The
Big 3” averaged a combined 28 attempts per game, between three
players! I’d rather fist myself than watch 48 minutes of free throws.

Since when is Chris Bosh a superstar? His 11 career playoff games

really screams “put this guy in the Hall of Fame”.  Bosh has a better
chance of playing a dinosaur in the next “Land Before Time” movie than
making it in the HOF.  (2 points for me for the LBT reference)

Speaking of “Land Before Time,” the Heath have NINE players over the

age of 30, most recently Jerry Stackhouse, try and tell me how those
guys will be playing game No. 90 in the second round of the playoffs,
not happening.

Stringer:  Considering my current choice in motion pictures, there is no
better metaphor for this Heat team than the movie Belly: it looked
great on paper at the time, DMX, Nas, Method Man and T-Boz headlining
the pic, a 10 mil budget, with Hype Williams the master of the Fisheye
Lens (and pretty much every notable music video up until that time)
directing and circa 1999 Def Jam on the soundtrack and the now quietly
defunct Artisan Entertainment distributing. What the movie ended up
being was an hour and a half long music video, with no real cohesive
story to it, too many plot leaps of faith and numerous scenes of DMX
taking the pussy like Pepe Lepew yielding an ending that leaves you
less “aha” and more “What the Fuck?”

When you’re looking at this movie at the video store (or more than
likely the Redbox kiosk) it looks pretty entertaining right? But then
you pop it in the DVD player and you realize this is a movie WRITTEN
by Hype Williams with Nas assisting with his own considerable screen
writing experience.

The Heat are the same amalgam of talent with no real concern for
chemistry, functionality and a plot/gameplan. While I believe in the
Lebron as a pseudo point guard theory a little more than most, the
fact is that nothing about this team is static, everything is so
dynamic that there is no real cemented part of this equation. There’s
no TRUE point guard on the squad (at least none that will be doing
those duties full time), and everyone has a role that is
ever-changing, add in an odd collection of Alpha dogs, a Beta and the
leagues former full-time Player-Mascot of the Raptors and shits bout
to get fucked like a chick in a Daytona 500 gangbang.

Further boggling my mind is the actual makeup of the roster, its like
a bad pirate movie, a few old grizzled pirates of larger-than their
talent salaries (Juwan Howard, Udonis Haslem), the steady and
physically imposing supporting character (Zydraunas “KGB Soldier”
Ilgauskas) and the young would-be pirate crew with stars in their eyes
that will soon be used as Cannon Fodder for the sake of filmed
attrition (do their names even matter?, they’ll be metaphorically dead
by seasons end), a young quasi rising star (Butler), all supplanting
the noble, supposed Heroes in Black of Wade, Bron, Bosh.

What I also don’t get about this equation is amidst these talks last
year of the need for a true center, someone that can handle the shitty
from the line, turnover beast that is Dwight Howard, and what does
Bron do? He takes his sentimental favorite Zydrunas “I use vodka as
lubricant” Ilgauskas, and the last living Raptor (a PF) to the very
division that said dominant center resides in. The Fuck? (End of
Belly).

For the record, Yeah, I used 2 lengthy allegories.  Problem? (Lifts up
shirt to display 9mm glock a la Barnes circa 98). Their fucking black
gangstas with guns on a pirate boat, motherfuckers!!

Favorite NBA Player Not on the Nuggets: Easy for me, because I only
like one player on Denver's squad. I gotta go with John Wall over
Gilbert. His pissed off attitude compared to Wall's awesome dances and
unrivaled quickness has lost me. I'm not turning my back on Gil (see
below) but JW is just sick. I think he will single-handedly will these
Bullets into the playoffs.

Most Intriguing Player: Gilbert, by far. Can he recapture his playing
form and recapture Washington fans? They hate him right now, but if he
fits his role as a true 2-guard, knocks down jumpers, shuts his fool mouth
and manages not to shoot anyone, I think he could win comeback player
of the year. The pressure is off of him to score 30 per game and he
has always been an excellent shooter. If Wall penetrates, Andre
Blatche, Yi and JeVale McGee play decent down low, (big ifs) then Gil will get
plenty of open looks. God I hope so.

Matt Barnes, for the simple fact that his addition to the Lakers
alone will guarantee the bleeders of the Staples center turn into a
Training Day casting session rife with Neck tattoos, morally
inconsistent tattoo references to Roman Catholic ideas and idols,
eyebrow piercings, neck piercings, wrist piercings, cunt piercings,
lip piercings, face piercings aaaaaaaannnddd a shit load of lil Barrio
Beaners running around. Barrrrrio Barnes Boyz unite,
yyaaaaaakikikiiiiiikay!

But seriously, I’m going to have to circle-jerk with Edy on this one
and say Kevin Durant. He will become the divining rod of class and
consistency (the anti-lebron) and every game that we are blessed
enough to watch nationally courtesy of TNT will be must see. I’ve
never seen someone with his length and BMI make up be so talented (Sit
tight Iggy, I’ll deal with your ass in a minute). Though I have
classically hated the “classy player” argument, this is a rare
exception where the player actually has an amazing amount of talent to
make their humble attitude astounding.

T: Wow, Bell chooses Barrio Barnes as his Favorite Non-Nugget, color
me surprised! (sarcasm font).

However, he does bring up a good point when it comes to the

Durantula, the anti-Lebron is the new savior.  When in doubt, jock the
best, most entertain and humble player in the league.  So what if he
socially immature when it comes to the skanks in his twitter timeline.


Most Entertaining NBA Team: Here is where Edy pens a love letter to
OKC. Experts would go with Miami. I am going with New York, because
seeing Mike D'Antoni and Stoudamire together again will be fun, not to
mention the fact that they will likely end up with Melo. Actually,
seeing a competitive team in the Garden is going to be fun.

S: Imma jump on Suck My Pucak!!!’s flow here and jumpoff : Teenage boys that play 2K11 will pick the Heat, old grizzled NBA heads will
pick OKC, and people that love the storylines of the NBA will
begrudgingly gravitate to the Lakers. Kobe’s hopeful swan song, Lamar
researching ways to Nicole Brown his wife after she hijacks too many
of his Willy Wonka shipments, Pau’s can’t stop won’t stop play, Barrio
Barnes Blood and Crip approved contributions,to say nothing of
whatever the fuck QB’s Finest wants to do to spice up the D and the
overall reputation of the Lakers. I hate to fucking admit it, but the
Lakers have too many storylines to latch onto or hate against, but
either way you’re still going to be emotionally invested in their
games. That and ESPN and TNT are going to make sure that Laker games
are jammed down our throat each and every week.

E: Thunder Up! I’ll take OKC over any team in the NBA as far as
entertainment value goes.  Sack, let’s go over the Knick’s roster.
Amare without Nash, no way.  Raymond Felton should never be a starting
PG in this league.  What a dominating front court with Anthony
Randolph and Ronny Turiaf, I’m shaking in my boots.
 
I like Rory’s take on this, the mix of Hollywood and Staples Center is
too uncanny to not notice.  How much trouble will Barrio get into in
LA, and which porn star will it be? Over/under on games played before
an arrest: 42.5, and will he be in the next Friday movie sitting on
the porch trying showing D-Boe how it is? Too many storylines, too
many  Kardashians to keep up with.

Most Hated Team Besides Miami:
Unless you are a frontrunner or
actually from Miami and not Cuban, you will hate the Heat. That is
understood. I actually hope the team plane crashes. But the Celtics
are almost as bad this year. They have such a collection of douches on
that team and the greatest collection of douchebag fans. Now that Shaq
is on their team he is suddenly "in-shape" and a "team player," not a "team cancer." Mix him in with Garnett, Jermaine O'Neal's reanimated corpse, Jesus
Shuttlesworth (a dick, even if I love that movie), Rajon Rondo (who
just looks like he punches babies), Cry Baby Davis, Stabby McWheelChair
Pierce, Baby Dick Robinson and whatever the FUCK a Luke Harangody is
and you have the bitchiest team of all-time.

Plus, have I mentioned that I hate Celtic fans.

Oh, and I didn't even mention crazy ass Delonte West. Wow, that team
is world class douchy.

S: Tho I’d love to cosign the Celtics Corpse collection that is the
C’s, I’m gonna to have to go with the Lakers here. There’s no one
rooting against a third Lakers championship and Kobes second title
trilogy more than I am. Oh and I FUCKING HATE all the cocksucker
Lakers fans (real and chic) and would love to watch their bandwagon
ass flee that sinking ship like the rats they are (No La Rata). See, I
told you they were the team to watch for all the wrong reasons.

E: This one may change mid-season.  For me, it would have to be the
Knicks.  They actually think they are entitled to a good basketball
team, and Melo fits right in with the rest of the NYK jokers that
haven’t won anything since the Ewing/Starks years.


Shit, the Knicks never even won shit with Ewing and Starks. New York people tend to forget this when they look fondly back on basketball's answer to the Buffalo Bills.

The Starbury Award (for Biggest Headcase): Last season I tabbed Gil as
my favorite player and he ended up shooting to the top of this
category. We all expected Ron-Ron or Delonte to be the ones who
scooped up the Starbury, but even possibly sleeping with LeBrons mom
and riding 3-shotgun deep on a motorcycle wasn't enough for D-West.

Mr. Queensbridge actually kept things mostly under wraps and instead of
being the death of the Lake Show, he, not Kobe, proved to be a killer
in crunch-time. Shows you just how topsy-turvy the NBA is. Gil went
from loveable hero to felon, while Ron Artest proved to be a vital
championship cog. That is a head-fuck.

Anyway, this season has no shortage of players capable of flying off
the handle: Stephen Jackson has been quiet far too long, DeMarcuse Cousins and Michael Beasley both have potential to blow up small markets, Baron Davis might finally live up to his Al-Queda beard, and our Nuggs certainly have plenty of crazies and malcontents, which we will discuss tomorrow.

But no one will be quite as loco in 2010-11 as Brandon Jennings, who will snap at the tough love of Scott Skiles in year 2 and get his ass benched. He will not take said slight well, he will call up Joe Budden again and shit will go wild. Instead of being an up-and-coming team, the Bucks will crash and burn.

Oh, this will be the season that an active NBA player kills someone.
My odds are on someone from Cincinnati.

S: I have two for this category, one of which I will speak of in depth
during the Nuggets preview. Kenyon Martin and Stephen Jackson.

So last year, Don Nelson, learning nothing from PJ Carlisimo, layed
hands on the  temperamental as fuck starting G/F setting off a chain
of events that sent Stephen Jackson to Charlotte and into the hands of
Larry Brown/Michael Jordan.

What if dream sequence break: Imagine if the runner-up in that trade
sweepstakes would have instead won, sending Delonte “Hand on the Pump”
West and a sign and shit trading of Wally “Father of Maximus” Szerbiak
West to the Warriors. Now, neither of these players on-court talents
matter for shit in this what-if scenario. What DOES matter is Delonte
West’s red-haired  freckle-speckled dick, it being a phallic beacon of
hope for reformed crack whores turned golden goose-birthing lottery
winners. Enter Gloria James. My what-if question is this: what if
Delonte hadn’t stayed around long enough to openly fuck Lebron’s mom,
and send the fragile benevolent patriarch kingdom (Love not fear) that
was the Cavs locker room into a flaming Zero-esque tailspin?

Would the Cavs have lost so early in the playoffs, would the Celtics
have given up their hopes of winning another championship after
exiting early and chose to not resign Pierce and/or Ray Ray
Shuttlesworth. Shit, only WorldWide Wes knows. Furthermore, imagine
the impact a different Cavs outcome would have had on the free agency
market, since the market didn’t really begin until Lebron was gracious
enough to let us all know about his “talents” and lack of a quality PR
representative/advisor. I want to say in this scenario the Boozer
signing by the Bulls would still happen, but shit you never know. As
far as the NBA future goes, everything rode on the dick of one
depressed, 3-wheeled motorcycle riding, Diablo wannabe packing a 9mm
Beretta pistol, .357 Magnum and a Remington 870 in a guitar case.
Bron was going to Miami no matter what happened. He wanted to play with Wade and nothing that happened (or allegedly happened) in Cleveland/Akron was gonna change it. Simply put, the man didn't really like Cleveland and would rather play with his friends than be Jordon.


Back on track… Stephen slid into Charlotte a little too quietly last
year, seamlessly helping lead the Bobcats to their first playoff birth
as a franchise. The real problem here is how easy Jackson and Larry
Brown got along. Now this shit ain’t right, Brown has a way of
challenging freakishly talented guards in a way that can at times
either lift the player to the next level he’s too lazy to humble
himself and work towards, or piss off the “I do what I want” side of
the player.

Last year, in the wake of that horrid Golden State split, the first
part of that ultimatum was fulfilled, however, this year its only a
matter of time before Jackson starts getting comfortable enough  in
the Charlotte house to start falsely thinking that he can do what he
wants in the same household as the egos of Larry Brown and this older,
now retired player named Jordan. Come on now, did we really think the
dude with a tattoo of stained glass windows in the background and
praying hands gripping a 9mm in the foreground were really all going
to behave? Come on son. Oh and Larry Brown may be still quietly
shopping the idea of signing AI to the Bobcats.

I don't think Charlotte has near the nightlife of Istanbull, so AI ain't rolling to Cacalacky anytime soon.

“I should have brought my gun”
“What’d u say?”
“I said 'this should be fun'”

Martin Blank, Gross Point Blank
This guy boned Bron-Bron's Mom-Mom

E: With Delonte being the defending champion of this category, in my
book, that Motherfucker (hehe) has yet to be unseated from his throne.
I wish Captain Birthmark had a real Twitter feed, because, what
hasn’t he done?  KFC drive-thru – Check, riding my motorcycle with a
loaded shotgun on my back – check , fucking Lebron’s mom – Check.
Talk about the most interesting man in the world.  I can’t wait until
he is on the next episode of Springer’s “I pimp out my sister-in-law,”
while Jerry asks him “Delonte, is pimping easy?”…. “Hell yea”

I’m done here.


Most Hated Player (non-superstar edition): I bet Rory goes for Andre
Igudola (because he's not actually a superstar haha). I'm gonna go
with Paul Millsap, mostly because he will always be wide open in the
Nuggets paint, somehow he will outrebound our bigger bigs and because
he does it in such a typically Utard way. He really bothers me. Gordon
Hayward as well, because he is actually Kyle Korver Jr. right down to
the floppy Bieber hair.
No one actually likes these two douchers.

S: Andre Iguodala easy, I fucking hate that dude. And I’m going to
save most of my seething hate for this guy for a future post entirely
dedicated to him, but for now we’ll late a few hate seedlings drip
out. But put simply this dude will make 12.3 million to not do shit
besides being given the gift of one of the best physical builds in the
NBA. He’ll pull down 12.3 mil to do NOT SHIT, fake injury to sit a few
games down the stretch and then half-ass them in or out of the
playoffs. Throw in my past 76ers leanings and I can’t help but hate
this dude with all my heart and half of the TRUE AI’s heart.

Of course, I can’t chastise Iggy entirely for his big ass contract,
“shit get money, N-,” the real culprit here is the Philly front office
for forking over this ridiculous amount of money to perennial
underperformers like Iggy and Brand. As a team, they’re on pace to
make roughly 70 mil for the year as a team that has NO expectations
levied on them. At this point they could sign every free agent on the
open market making 3 mil or less and mine for the diamonds in the
rough with an open tryout and end up with better results than I
predict for Iggy and the crew. David Stern could get the league-wide
1/3 paycut he wants just by folding the house that Doctor J built (Not
really, but you get the point).

But no one openly flaunts this known truth with his shit play more
than Iggy. Fuck him. And Sack is only half-right, Iggy ain’t no NBA
superstar, but he’s a lifetime All-Star for Ike Turner’s Salary Cap
abusers.

E: I love the random Iggy hate here.  I mean, I think the guy is
overrated and not worth the mid-level exception, but what are you
going to do.  Most hated player has to go to Hedo Turkoglu.  The guy
punk’d Toronto (an already struggling franchise) into giving him a
huge undeserving contract, prior to him not living up to potential and
acting hurt for half the season last year.  Apparently, Toronto didn’t
have the “International feel” he was looking for, so he goes to
Phoenix where they give the utmost respect to non-Americans… at least
he’s not Mexican.


I fully expect Hedo to get shot by a Minuteman.
LeBron Award (for Most Hated Superstar): Now that it is passé to hate
on LeBron, I must find a new hateable star. Other than Melo, I guess
it has to be Chrisssy Paul, due to his blatant courting of Melo, his
whiny bitchassness, his knock-off Steve Nashness and his punching
people in the balls-ness. I hope he rips every ligament in his body,
not just his knee. The only positive about Chris Paul is that he is
going to get J-Smooth a ton of easy buckets down low for New Orleans.
Yeah CSU!

S: Fuck I don’t know on this one, oh yeah Melo. Say no more

E: Melo, easy.  Overrated baby bitch who isn’t a finisher and rather
film a VH1 reality show with his big booty’d hoe. I’m not bitter, I
promise.


How Many Games Does Blake Griffin Actually Play: 60, but right in time
for the playoff push Donald Sterling "accidentally" runs him over
because he doesn't believe in playoff bonuses. I would love to see him
healthy and dominant, but I doubt it.

S: I say he plays just enough to realize the Clips are sailing
nowhere, yet again, and calls up Jeff Gillooley to take him out for
the season, thereby doing him a favor.

E: He plays the whole season and wins ROY.  The guy is a beast and
definitely falls under the “Things I would trade Melo for”


The Vanilla Award Strom Thurmond (for Best White, American Born Player): Is this the year Kevin Love steals this title from Chris Kaman? Nope, Kirk
Heinrich is rejuvinated in Chocolate City, DC, and pulls away.
S: Can we call this the Strom Thurmond Award instead? Even better can we
give this to a white player located in the south? I keeed, I keeeed.
I’m going to pick on the one, gleaming option we should have
disqualified as he’s the only legitimate nominee for this battle of
the pigment-impaired retards: Kevin Love.

Assuming he can stay the fuck off twitter and re-dedicate that time to
practice and game tapes, he should be able to take statistical
advantage of a sputtering NorthWest division that includes our shit
hometeam we like to call “our assholes.” Goddammit, can we hurry up
and start writing the Nuggets preview, I got soooo much hate. Wow, the
Strom Thurmond award is already working its backwards magic (no black
mistress).

Hint: For further help figuring out the white players in the league
not relegated to the D-League or Garbage time minutes click on the
link to play a fun little game:
http://www.sporcle.com/games/jburrz/white

The very ironic thing is half the so-called "white guys" in that sporcle quiz are not even white, or at least half-black. Mike Bibby and Jason Kidd do not qualify as white.

E: Is this the year JJ Redick breaks out, officially.  After an
impressive 2009-10 campaign, he is turning into everything Pat Garrity
(LP grad) ever was for the Magic.



The Team Who Shall Not Be Named Award (for Team Most Likely To Move):
Sacramento, who will relocate to Vegas just so David Stern can say,
"We don't have a gambling problem. If we did, would I put a team in
Vegas? See, that doesn't make sense. Now don't look at the stats that
show certain teams lose 95% of the time when matched with certain
refs."

S: You mean besides my sincere hope that the Nuggets move to Hawaii
and die on the ensuing plane crash like it’s the 1970’s? Sac town no
doubt, the Maloof connection is too deep. And in the shadow of the
looming labor talks, this move could just get slid through like the
anti-online betting clause in the Patriot Act (I’m not kidding, look
it up).

E: I feel like Rory is on to something with a new TV series on ABC
Family.  I feel like the Warriors are next to get moved, especially
with their recent change of owners.


Predictions: Sack/Edy/DJ Stringer
Eastern Southeast: Miami/Charlotte/Charlotte
Central: Bulls/Bulls/Bulls
Atlantic: Boston/Boston/Boston
Western Southwest: Houston/San Antonio/Dallas Northwest: OKC/OKC/OKC
Pacific: Los Angeles Lakers/Lakers/Lakers (is that even a question? LOOK at that division)
Eastern Conference Champ: Miami/Boston/Chicago
Western Conference Champ: OKC/Lakers/Lakers
NBA Champs: Miami/Boston/Lakers
 

Most Valuable Player: Kevin Durant/Kevin Durant/Durant
Rookie of the Year: John Wall/Blake Griffin (who a rookie technically)/Derrick Favors
Defensive Player of the Year: Rajon Rondo/ Josh Smith/Chris Paul
6th Man: Manu Ginobli/Lamar Odom/JR Smith
Most Improved Player: Gilbert (hahah last year Edy & I chose Oden and
Okafor. We are dumb)/Kevin Love/Johnny Flynn
Surprise Player: That WOP from New York who will get traded to the
Nuggs, Galliardi/Michael Beasley/Amare Stoudemire (By that I mean he'll actually give a fuck)
Disappointing Team: Milwalkee Bucks/Dallas Mavericks/Nuggets
Coach of the Year: Marc D'Antoni/Tom Thibodeau/Pat Riley
Dark Horse pick (Sleeper that turns into a very real title contender): Dallas/Utah/Chicago 
Massoui  Award (No, u can’t choose Baron Davis, he was retired from
contention this year): James Harden brings the “Don’t fuck with me”
eyes to the otherwise scary Black Muslim beard equation/Lebron bring it back this year/Greg Oden will grow a scary one from the bench.
OVER/Under until Barnes gets an ESPN noteworthy T: 2/13.5/8.5
O/U til the NBA finally backs off on its tech policy/ a game is horribly and obviously decided by it and a PR problem ensues: Never. There is no such thing as negative NBA PR according to Stern/5 weeks/December 22
O/U til Melo finally gets dealt: 20/Dec. 15/Nov. 17
O/U til Greg Oden ends his season again: 45 then Jihad con verga/Jan. 15/Nov. 5

O/U til Lebron’s "hate me now stance" starts getting openly mass-dick rode like Laurence Fishburnes daughter: The day ESPN sent a special panel to break down each practice, so -26 days ago/1 day/6 days ago
What about Player we actually like regardless of talent? Andrew Bogut/Steve Blake (obviously)/Moe Williams, quietly does his job night in and night out, with minimal bitching. The ultimate mid-major player of the NBA. Will be worth watching this season to lead the team. 

-That does it for today. Now that you know what is in store for the rest of the NBA, now it is time for us to throw up our Nuggies preview. Won't that be fun...

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