Colorado sports by a fan. A healthy dose of CSU Rams, Rockies, Broncos, Avs, and Nuggets talk, and the most important Jersey Shore recaps in the nation, among other things. I'm killing shit, buckle up and strap in. OHHHH YAAAAAA
When we last saw the Jersites, it appeared that Sammy might be on the comeback trail. And this is America, and we do love a good comeback, but not from a stupid whore. Hopefully this doesn't come to fruition.
-"Could you not be the worst cuddler ever?" -Snookers, just kicking some fool out of bed and out of the house. Pimp hand strong! Then she lines up another one. This fails. Pimp hand weak. -Emo Ronnie is super emo. Then he calls his daddy.
-"I'll stay another hour, because I know that she (Deana) took a shit and he (Sitch) bought a vehicle." -Pauly. There is no way that this purchase of a Fitty motorcycle will end badly. Great entertainment ahead.
-Ronaldo Sr. has a super sweet stache. That is what Ronnie needs in order to get back to being boss. Sr. is a pretty good father, actually giving sound advice to his kid. Now, if only he could get Junior to lay off the juice.
-"Snooks keeping it in the family." -Ronnie, actually laughing and behaving human.
-"There's no good, quality guys in Seaside." -Snooks, telling the truf.
-"They should have smushfest and get it out of the way...No feelings." -Pauly, on Snook and Vin. Because that always works.
-What an awesome prank...you spend hundreds to send some whores to Times Square. IF you stuck them with the tab, then it would be pretty funny.
"Someone pulled a prank on me, now I'm gonna get them good," by not talking to them and eating dinner alone -Situation. Awesome prank No. 2!
-"It makes me realize what a gluttonous piece of shit I am." -Vinny. Touche.
-"Now he has to bang me, to earn my friendship back." -Snooki, on Vinny.
-"Snooki and Deena have once again showed why they defy the law of intelligence." Says a guy who spent hundreds of dollars to "prank" those dumb whores and was just ditched by his friends for being a selfish dick.
-"Hi Sammy," -Pauly. Ronald: (Exit stage left). Wish it was Ronald: (Chokeslams Sammy into coffee table).
MVG: Situation, I guess, but really a lackluster showing by everyone. Though, after his terrible season, a couple of "pranks" give him the dub.
Bed Post Notches: None. Wizzi-Izzi-Eak. Shit's weak.
Next week: Ronnie cries and acts like a bitch. Lots of shit (literally). Snooki kills herself (hopefully).
I want to have seething hatred for Melo. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I watch Nuggles games and see him clearly not giving a shit and I throw things. Plenty of times this season I have skipped on a Nuggos game to do anything else, rather than be put in the weird position of cheering for a player with two feet out the door. We knew Melo wanted to be a Knick and it clearly rankled Denver fans. We booed. We started fake twitter accounts to mock him (and his wife). Even though I laughed at it all and wanted to get my anger to Cutler levels, I can't say I really hate Melo, or even wish failure on him.
Even though the Melo-Denver relationship ended poorly, to say the least, we had some pretty good moments. Besides a brief moment in 94-95, once Melo joined the Nuggs out of 'Cuse, the Nuggets finally mattered in the NBA (at least during my life). We got new, powder blue uniforms and a legit NBA star. We made the playoffs every year. The most clutch late-game scorer in the NBA won us 13 games in the final 10 seconds, including the famous no-foul dagger vs. Dallas in 2009. We were two inbounds passes from playing Orlando for a championship.
There were plenty of lows, which have been documented all too well (Recap: Snitching, DUIs, brawls in the Garden, LaLa, etc.). Which is why I think a fresh start is better for both parties: Melo goes "home" to adoring fans, gets to thrive in D'Antoni's offense and join Amare & CP3 in the top-heavy East. The Nuggets get a ton of assets to rebuild in a Western Conference that will soon be wide open (Spurs, Mavs and Lakers are old. OKC is talented, but unproven. Everyone else is pretty much fucked or will soon be fucked) and some talented youngins that are NBA proven.
And the only way that we will ever end up playing Melo in anything meaningful is an NBA championship, which would actually be pretty fucking epic.
Even with this good will, Denver fans are not used to stars wanting out, not used to being the jilted lover, and many will hold a grudge (I'm anticipating a boo filled Christmas day match-up). Denver is a place everyone wants to be (look at all the goddamn Texans, Wisconsinites and Californicators) and we support our teams. Sometimes we may lose out on a prime star in free agency (A-Rod comes to mind) but usually Denver's star players enjoy the city and they leave a legend (Sakic, Roy, Elway-God) or they leave because our management fucked up (Mutumbo, Chris Drury, Big Cat).
Now, four times in three years, a legitimate star has been deleted from our town because apparently they wanted nothing to do with Denver (B-Marsh, Cuntler and Melo & Holliday). It hurt the most with Cutler, because we didn't see it coming. Marshall wasn't too surprising, we always knew he was crazy and Divacievers bounce around the league as a rule. Holliday wanted to get that cash, and we saw it more as greed for his departure, plus we got the Cargo in return.
Once it came to Melo, we all pretty much abandoned hope a couple months after The Decision, when Melo refused to renew with us. This lead to an awkward 8 months, where every true Nuggets fan knew Melo was gone and we had to put up with him. Instead of play nice, like we did with Holliday (and to a certain extent with Marshall), Nuggets fans decided to let him know that he was free to go, as Melo's actions clearly dictated his intentions even if he lied right to our faces.
But I do have to give him some props; he played hard almost every night (and really, took off games no more than he has his entire career), gave us a few good memories and at least feigned enough interest in staying/Jersey that the Knickerbockers had to go all in.
So good luck in the East Melo.
Meanwhile, I'll welcome the 4 new Nuggies with everything I know about each of them: Danilo Gallinari: -Will be surprise celebrity guest on Season 5 of Jersey Shore.
Wilson Chandler: -Has two first names.
Timofey Mozgov: Is famous for trying to accesorize by placing Blake Griffin's balls on his face, a trend that I am sure will sweep the NBA in the coming seasons.
-Will hopefully be traded to Jersey (and into the loving Russion arms of Prokorov) for some draft picks.
Raymond Felton: -Is a quick point guard with a below average outside shot from UNC. Which, is kinda redundant due to the presence of Ty Lawson on the Nuggs.
2014 NBA Draft Pick: You are currently 15 or 16 years old, so good luck on that driving test.
Oh, you may have noticed that I haven't written at all about our other departing souls, because all I really have to say is, meh. Chauncey is classy, but he was holding Ty back, too expensive and old as fuck. AC can go die. All the Green Crosses in Denver will miss Balkman. I never saw Shelden Williams make a single shot for the Nuggs.
So yeah, I'm not gonna miss any of the Nuggets who just bounced, and the Nuggets future is bright, so let's hope they don't fuck it up, again.
And Melo and I will always have our drunken night two weeks ago at Chicago Louie's hot dog kart. I'll remember him every time I attend an ugly sweater Christmas Party:
Last week, I hung out with real celebrities and then watched Sammi leave the shore...so basically, the best night EVAR!!!! Tonight, I went to an alumni mixer (yep, some school let me gradumatate) and then got drunker, but I didn't forget about my Shoretards. I found them with maximum Internet searching. So enjoy, the fruits of my labor.
-We begin with the Situation attempting to spread some cheer. It is retarded: "Listening to Mike talk about relationships is like (long pause) listening to a sailor talk about flying a plane." -Ronnie.
-Sam complains about Ron's abuse, but I seem to remember her hitting him. Yeah, he went Jihad Terrorist on her at the end, but she struck first.
-Jenny can hardly hide her smile while discussing Sammi. What a bitch! Love her. Ronni is still a bitch, crying like a twatty twat.
-"Team Meatballs: 1, Team Bromance: 0." -D-Na. I don't need to even make a joke about Snook and Deena calling themselves meatballs after throwing cake in Vin's face (witty). Even though I just did.
Vinny then tries to poo-pillow the whores, but apparently doesn't notice their fat asses hiding under the beds, even though the beds are about and extra foot high in the air with those fat assed whores underneath.
After this fails, Vinny lynches Crocadilly. Which is in no way racist.
-"I want Nicole to suffer." -Vinny. According to Nicole, all you have to do is try to stick your Seabiscuit in her. But that is equal punishment for Vin.
-"His name isn't Situation...but his name is now Snitchuation." -Vinny. No wonder everyone on the cast now hates him.
-"The toilet is clogged...because I live with farm animals." -Vinny, who would clearly be a hound. Sitch is a rat. Snooki is a bunny. Jenny is a stud horse. Deena is a heifer. Pauly is a border collie. Ronnie is a pig. I spent six seconds on these, but I think they work.
I was unaware that Vinny was related to Mario and Luigi, but it makes sense.
-Ronnie clogs the toilet, then goes and cries. HAHAHA. "Ronaldo!" -Snooki, who really needs to shite.
-So we moved all of Sam's shit, but forgot a bag. Instead of learning from the whole honesty note, we again lie. If it was up to these whores, we would have a Holocaust every week.
-"Have a coffee, then it will flow out of your butt like a friggin' rainstorm." -Snooks, so polished, to DeeeeeeNa, who can't pooooo.
-"They're are yours, because you touched them." -Ron, to dirty ass Deena, who clearly owns the soiled panties.
"They're not mine, because mine's are red." -Pauly.
-"If she Jersey Turnpiked it would be the best (mufled)." -Jenny, about D-Na's sewage problem, theorizing on the possibility of a code brown.
-"Girls that are my ex-girlfriend are smart enough not to beleive the Situation's shit." -Pauly.
-Props for Snooks trying to explain to Ronni that his relationship is shit. Too bad he is too tarded to figure it out.
-"I meet this little Mario brother." -Snooki, two Super Mario references in an episdoe. I expect Lemiuex make an appearance soon.
-"I wanna go home." -D-Na.
"Everyone loves you, don't go home, idiot." -Vinny, always sensative.
-Ronnie threatens to rape Deena's teddy bear and says she is like the little sister he never wanted, so he is going to keep fucking with her. She is so thankful for his support. The disconnect from reality again reaches levels previously though unattainable.
-Vinny's c-block revenge tactic is a little timid. If you are gonna go for it, you gotta go hard. Look at all those fat bitches, they don't half ass the cock-block, they do it big.
-"I have no idea what this kid's name is, so I might as well give him an ugly name." Like Bernard. Which is an ugly ass name.
-"Don't cry." -D-Na, to Ronnie. HAHAHAHAHAHA. What a puzie.
MVG: Vinny. Pranks war, check. Hook-up, check. Mocking Mike and Ron, check. Plumbing, check. It isn't a dominant effort, but in a half-assed episode, he pulls it out.
Bed-post Notches: Vinny, 1 (4, in the lead). Snookers (2).
Next Week: That whore returns. Snooks looks for dick. Mike sends the Meatballs to New York. I don't get drunk. One of these is a lie (Hint: It's the last one).
I'm chock full of awesome. I have many friends. I do pretty awesome stuff. I'm pretty interested in myself, and what better way to be self important than to share my awesomeness with my friends. The following are all things I have recently enjoyed, be it food, music or books.
I hope you like it as much as I do...because you will.
TV: Archer:The funniest show on TV. If you aren't watching, I really don't like you.
Food: Mexican Pork: Get a crock pot. Get a nice sized pork shoulder. Add a few cups of water. Turn crock pot on low for about 8 or more hours. Place pork in fridge until fat solidifies. Rid yourself of that fat. Put pork back in crock pot for another couple hours with one big jar of salsa and whatever else you want (I go with jalapenos, chilis, hot sauce, black bean and corn). Let it cool. Eat in burritos, eat in tacos, eat in on nachos, etc.
4 Loko Chili:
P.S. They are now selling 4 Loko minus the energy. This is some bullshit. You know how to counter this P.C. crap? By 5-Hour Energy and dump that shit in. NEXT LEVEL DRINKING MANEUVER.
Roasted Tomato Pasta: Easy peasy and delicious. I would recommend for a date, but it's heavy on the garlic. But I love garlic, so making with a garlic woman would be tits. Plus, then I know she ain't no vampire.
What you need; about 10-12 Roma Tomatoes, a clove of garlic (crushed or minced), Italian Dressing, crushed red pepper flakes, salt, pepper. Whatever pasta you like (fettuccine is bawse)
Preheat oven to 400 degrees.
Wash and halve tomatoes. Cover a large baking tray with aluminum foil. Place tomatoes on foil flat side up. Mix about 1-2 cups of Italian dressing, tablespoon red pepper, teaspoon of salt & pepper together. Put about a teaspoon of this mixture on each tomato. Drizzle remaining sauce over tomatoes.
Cook tomatoes 45min to 1 hour, until the tops start to brown. In the meantime, get your pasta cooked, and whatever side you want. Once tomatoes and pasta are done, mix about 1/2 cup of dressing and some more red pepper in a large bowl. Place 1/2 of the tomatoes in bowl, and then mash. Then, dump in pasta and toss. Place remaining tomatoes on top. Serve with a red wine, I recommend a nice 2009 Charles Shaw Merlot aka 2 Buck Chuck.
If the pussy isn't glossy at that point, better slip something in the vino.
Drank: El Generalisimo: In a large pint glass half full of ice, mix equal parts Tequilla and whiskey (my favorites; Evan Williams and Jose Cuervo) until the glass is roughly 2/3 full of booze. Fill rest of glass with coke. Garnish with lime.
Hangover Cure: Pedialyte : After three El Gens, and you will want to chug a bottle of Peidalyte prior to bedtime. Chock full of electrolytes and stuff to keep babies healthy, it is a lifesaver to cure hangovers. Best $2.99 you'll ever spend.
BOOKS! Read Them:
Since I am destitute these days, I do what all us poor folk do...go to the library. Once there, I fight off several hobos who are intent on whacking it on the free Internet so that I can print resumes (I prefer to masturbate in the privacy of my house looking through the windows of my rather attractive lesbian neighbors, natch). Anyway, one of the perks of this library is that there are a lot of awesome books to read there, who knew?
Open, By Andre Agassi:This might sound awful, as tennis is boring and everything you know about Still 'Dre is that he once married Brooke Shields, wore a wig and smoked meth, but it is really a great read. Agassi and his ghostwriter tell his life story, dealing with Agassi's central conflict; his hatred of tennis and his inability to be successful at anything else. It is frighteningly honest, extremely detailed and a very absorbing.
God Save the Fan: Will Leitch: The guy who started Deadspin.com, so therefore the guy who allowed Brett Favre's penis to become the Man of 2010, wrote this book a couple years ago. A bunch of hilarious essays vaguely tied together in an attempt to show how sports fans are getting screwed, and how there might be hope for better things. All this done with extraordinary snark and biting one-liners. So like a longer, better, version of this blog.
The Power of One: Bryce Courtenay: Best book I have ever read, and I've read it about 10 times. Story of a South African who rises above the extreme racism through the sport of boxing. That is probably a crappy, trite summary, but it is a simply splendid book, wonderfully descriptive and inspiring, with characters that I almost feel are my best friends (it is really hard to review a book without sounding gay).
6. Something New: Black Prez. Foco's own goes pretty hard on this beat uptempo, pretty poppy beat. I'm expecting a solid Foco/CSU anthem out of him soon, especially if the Rammies go dancing.
8. H.A.M.: Kanye and Jigga. Hard. As. A. Motherfucker. (Travy Barker Drummer Mix makes it even better, if that is your bag).
9. Teach You To Fly/Stoned: Wiz Khalifa. Couldn't pick between these two, but Wiz is fucking smooth. CD of the year candidate, for sure.
10. Pass Out: Tinie Tempah ft. Chamillionaire. British rapper on a techno heavy beat, with the Mixtape Messiah. Yeah, I'm in. The OG version of this was British song of the year, apparently.
So, it has come to my attention that I am writing an awful lot about a certain television show and not about the original purpose of this show. Which is totally true, but if sports were as interesting and enjoyable as Jersey Shore, I would be posting daily. Instead, the Avs, Nuggs, Broncos suck, football is over and I am not from Purple Row so I can't pretend to be ecstatic about pitchers and catchers reporting.
Still, there are some interesting sports stories going on, so I guess I'll try to find the good in a depressing time. Tomorrow, I give you fun things to enjoy until the NCAA Tourney and baseball crank up:
Da' Rams: Clearly, the best thing going in sports right now is the Colorado State Rams men's basketball team. Turrible for years, including Tim Miles' first season, when the Rams won 0 league games in the regular season (and guess who was beat writer for the Collegian that season? This guy! You know how fun it is to interview a team and write stories during a stretch where a team wins 2-26 games? Pretty much the worst thing ever).
Now, the Rams are actually selling out Moby Arena and should be in the NCAA Tournament with a 4-2 run down the stretch in MWC play. It won't be easy, but god damit it is going to happen.
And I'll be in Vegas again for the MWC tournament, and hopefully the seeding committee will be kind and let us play in Denver if we get that far, because I'll be working there as well.
The Black Super Bowl: The NBA All-Star fesitivities should be fun, almost solely because of Blake Griffin. What is he gonna do in the dunk contest? Who is he gonna yak on in the game? Why can't anyone think of a nickname for him (I think we should just call him Holy Shit, because that is what you say after every dunk)?
AAA: Aaron Afflalo's recent play has given me hope that this Nuggets team can be fun to cheer for next season, especially sans-Melo. Now, if only the bitch-made Knicks would just cave and make this trade, Denver would be a young team with roster flexibility, instead of this stagnant, stupid concotion that we currently trot out. I would appreciate an exciting team, as my future job in ticket sales with Los Nuggos would be a lot easier if they weren't terrible (knock on wood).
Plus, I find it pretty interesting that post-game winner, all of AAA's teammates were out celebrating (with me and Mark Cuban /name drop) but he was nowhere to be seen. Either he was home being responsible, or I can't recognize him (let's hope it is the former).
Denver: I have probably had as many great times in a month in this city as I had in three months in San Deigo. Which is due in part to a couple factors; 1. I have a lot more friends here. 2. I am currently unemployed and therefore never encumbered by this work thing. 3. When the local team is successful I can celebrate with the locals here, unlike SD where I hated everything about their pathetic sports franchises.
Plus, Spring is clearly on it's way. Yes, we'll have the occasional cold and snow, but the tide is changing and the -20 degree days are behind us. Can't wait for baseball, Wash Park day-drinking and outdoor basketball. Fucking eh, summer.
Squash: It is fucking fun and I'm a natural. I will challenge any of you. Please, because I think the median age of Squashers is 72.
Tim Tebow: I know he's not gonna play next season due to the labor bullshit, but everytime I mention his name I get like 1000 hits, so Tebow Tebow Tebow.
Seriously though, the Broncos should be getting a stud defensive player or two in the draft, which might make us watchable next year, if next year exists.
Welp, that is all for the good stories in sports. 2011 getting off on the same foot as 2010. Steller.
Again, tomorrow I play critic and give you my picks on music, lit, TV and more.
Usually I start this with a disclaimer about how I was lazy, drunk and didn't blog in time. But today, my excuse is much better (and really not needed). Yes, I was drunk and a tad bit late with the blog, but the reason why is pretty epic.
You see, due to reasons beyond my control (roommate grabbing remote control) I missed out on the first couple airings of Jersey Shore and decided to then get drunk with Arab Money and The Wedding DJ. We drank plenty of PBR at Maloney's, then planned on going back to Arab Money's to mock the Shorites. But, as soon as we exited the bar, we noticed someone more inebriated than either of us, one J.R. Smith, struggling to order some grub from the mobile hot dog stand. Arab Money and I laughed, then proceed to watch some random hopper video JR and announce it is going on World Star Hip Hop. Woooo.
The fun doesn't end there. Who should appear next from the Oak Tavern (or Spill?) but Mr. Knickerbocker, Carmelo Anthony, rocking a very trendy kinitted sweater hoodie (sarcasm) and also dying for some sustinance. He isn't near as drunk as JR, but is drunk enough he states that he can't take pictures anymore. He does ask if Arab Money's hot dog is good to go. Other members of Melo's entourage, including former CSU baller Tyler Smith, are hanging around, so AM and I chill out to scope the scene. Oh hey, guess who else is in the mix? None other than Dexter Fowler, super fucked up, and his fat-titted girly friend.
But the starstruck moment turns to surreal in the next instant, when some random 40-year old drunk comes up in between Arab Money and I, grabs our shoulders, and yells out, "The Nuggets fucking blow." I turn to tell this douchebag off, but I realize that he is none other than Mark fucking Cuban (who also states he is too drunk for pictures).
So yeah, I might be late on the Jersey Shore recap, but I think that is a sufficient reason why. Haters.
On to the Shore, which was a pretty epic episode:
-To start off, Mike is giving some relationship advice, which Arab Money notes is a very bad sign for the welfare of everyone.
-Ron and Sam fight. As if Ron is 5, Pauly tries to distract him by taking him on the Tilt-A-Whirl and some roller coasters. Somehow, this doesn't work.
-"Ronni kinda has a tempah" -Pauly D, who then shadow boxes in the background while prepping for Ronni/Sammi round 347.
-"I played it wrong," Mike bitches out to Ronni. "I'll buy you some cotton candy a little later." Good call, Sitch. No need to get your ass whooped for a girl that straight shunned you 2 seasons ago.
-"A whole bag full of condoms." -Roger, when asked what he brings into the house prior to his two week vacay from the Shore and J-Dubs. Quickly he is becoming an upper echelon character.
-"How could you sit there and lie to my face, after what you did?" -Sam
"Which time?" -Ronni, just smashing that lob back into her face.
-"He's gonna do something totally shady." -Sam "Yuuuuppp." -Snooki
-"I love the dick." -Sam
"Me too." -Snook.
-"They're are talking all about relationships and my sneakers are dirty." -Pauly.
"They're gonna bang soon." -Vinny.
-"Sammy is like a spidermonkey sitting on the bed with a pitbull lock." -Vinny, giving Mike Vick a shoutout.
-"I'm just gonna go out and be a slut." -Sammi, good call, because being a slut always brings your boyfriend running back.
-"Come back to my closet and help me get dressed." -Sam.
"You mean your patio?" -Arab Money, after Ron throws all Sammi's shit out the door.
"You want to act like a dog, you can sleep outside like a dog." -Ron.
-"It's kind of like an analogy for Vinny's penis not fitting into my pin hole." -Snooki, comparing her and D-Na's inability to angle a bed through a door to Vinny's schlong.
-Ironically, all of the Guidos magically end up at the same bar. Just a coincidence, not producer interference at all.
-"I want to fucking ring your neck right now." -Ronni. If only the OJ-Nicole Simpson murder was a reality show, I bet it would have played out just like this. But, it probably wouldn't be allowed as evidence (confused, watch the June 17, 1994 30 for 30 and realize how having good lawyers can save your ass).
-Hehehehe. Mid-rant, Sammi drops a nice burp. Solid push.
-"Nobody touch the fucking smoosh-room." -J-Woww, oblivious to the potential murder going down and desperate to hook Roger.
"The more the merrier." -Roger, after Jenny busts out the S&M outfit and Snooki/Deena offer to join.
-"Ronni keeps talking about girl/guy code. Then he throws her bed outside. What about general human code?" -Situation, who is becoming something of a semi-retarded muse.
-"She's doing something to do with packing...and something that ryhems with.... ...weaving?"-Vinny to Ron, after Sam explicitly asks him not to divulge her plans.
-"I'm going to let you go. As much as it pains you." -Ron, with one of the most egotistical statements of all-time. And hypocritical, as the big bad roid-rager cries all night when Sammi says goodbye.
-CAAAABS AHHH HEEEEEEAAAHHH" -Pauly, announcing the departure of Sammi about 6 seasons too late.
MVG: Sammi: For coming to the most rational decision of the entire show. Yes, leaving the Ronster about six domestic assaults late, but she finally got it done. Plus, she attempted to bag random dudes before her exit just to piss him off. Props. Ronni could have won this award due to his excellent whore-demolition skills, but his weeping bumped him out of this slot.
Mostly though, Sammi should never be welcomed back to this show, so I'll let her go out with Guid.
Bed-post notches: None...GAYYYY
Next Week: You need highlights besides no more Sammi and possible Cocaine Ronaldino? Because I sure don't.
Our episode begins with our intrepid Guidos behaving like a happy family for the first time since season one (soo 2009). I predict it will not last. I will also apologize for not having a prompt post, but I was busy going being the creepy old guy at an under-20 college house party and then going to my first rave ever. My partying always beats out virtual partying. Sorry, for partying.
-Ronnie is drinking with fake-Ronnie. This is itself should be a reality show. -Snookers passes out in the doggy cage. This isn't funny, because it's where Smush-Smush belongs.
-If you ever find yourself by Sammi, just vomit to make her leave. This is the natural reaction when seeing a wild Sammi, but still, the more you know...
-"I'm bleeding when I go to the bathroom." -Ronald. That, my friends, is a fucking BENDER. When the end result is you shitting blood.
-"I'm not gonna do anything graphic, I'm just gonna look." Doctor Guido. Look, Doc, both Ronni and I have used that line many times, and we both know it also ends with some touching. And poking. In the butt.
-"It was wrong of me to laugh. Who wants to bleed out of their butt? I wouldn't." -Sammi. Not wrong to laugh, when someone drinks until they shit blood the only appropriate answer is laughter.
-"You really never tried it (masturbation), and it wasn't phenomenal?" -Snookers, during the very nice and healthy female fingering convo. There is not a person in the world that has never masturbated, or if any such person exists, I do not ever want to meet them, because they have got to be super fucked up. But I have had several conversations with bitches who say they don't, and they are just stupid lying whores.
-"I told him I'm taking his sperm...and I'm making a baby with it." -Snooki, because there are other reasons for keeping sperm.
-"You need a golden ticket to get into these drawers." -Deena, but the consolation prize of a rim job isn't half bad.
Looks like Dario just inherited the Wonka Factory.
-"Everyone Google it, because that is why the ocean is salty, because of all the whale sperm." -Snooki. Also to Google; Snow is God's sperm, the sky is blue because of Smurf sperm and Snookis are the Devil's sperm.
-Somehow Snooki finds the one Jersey Shore Guido that is a nerd.
-"You better send roses to the house...Roses with fried pickles in them." -Pauly D, the human answering machine.
-"I look like a hot, drunk baseball player right now...and I'm loving it." -Snooki.
-"Ow. We were talking." -Snooki. "I know, that's why I threw it at you." -Bossman Guido Danny who probably made the best investment ever in hiring these retards.
-Advertisement: "You know why fans talk about my hair instead of my acne?" -Beibs. Because you haven't hit puberty yet?
-Face down, ass up is now called the Jersey Turnpike. Good to know.
-"Did (Ron) have his period?" -Snooki. Yes, that is exactly what Ronni's butthole problem is, he has been dating cunty Samantha so long that his cycle has matched up.
-"Stalker!." "What are you doing here?" "You are the last person I ever expected to see here." "When you have a baby, what bird delivers the baby?" -All Vinny (who I had forgotten was on the show until this point), all to the Jew Stalker. All while Pauly laughs while wearing the infamous "I (heart) Jewish Boys Girls."
"What did Jack climb up?" Pauly D.
-I would celebrate Ron and Sammi breaking up, but I don't believe it is real.
BUT IF IT IS....
Most Valuable Guido: Pauly D. From pranking Snooker's new juicehead on the phone, making peace with the Stalker just to mock her to get payback and just generally being hilarious all season long. Props, Pauly. Maybe we could actually get some MVP later this year?
Bed Post Notches: Sitch I think had one (2 on the year). D-Na got a golden ticket (2). And apparently Vinny (3) gets one according to the deleted scenes, which brings up a ton of problems with whoever is editing this show. According to another deleted scene Mike's penis is covered in fur, explaining why his Chewbaca has been lonely this season. Don't ever say I'm not going the extra distance for these blogs.
Next Week: I really think the Wicked Witch is leaving. And if it doesn't happen, MTV, I warn you, I will continue to watch.
