Friday, August 5, 2011

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 4, Episode 1

Holy Fucking Shit...The G-U-I-D-Os be back up in this motherfucker. When we last left the Intoxicated Eight (Alliterations points) they were destroying Seaside and crying. Now, we are apparently trying to curtail immigration to the USA by sending these Shoretards out to Italy to make sure we cut down on the number of WOPs who try to enter to AMERICA through Ellis Island.

What could possibly go wrong with 8 shitty Americans trying to infiltrate a foreign city without understanding any customs or language? Not much. Seriously though, these people have a tentative grasp on English and manage to contract Herps on the daily, so I don't suspect it will be too hard for them to figure out how to date rape hook up with the local Azurri despite their lack of polish.

-" that big country."  Oh Snooki, always in the fucking lead.

-Pauly has his international plug packed to make sure the blowout is intact. (Chicken Cluck) smart. (If you don't get this, watch Epic Meal Time and stop reading my blog).

-Deena thinks Gracias is Itai for thank you...ITALY NOT MEXICO! (This theme will be repeated all episode, if not season...Which proves these Guids are truly more beaner than WOP, and also underlying why I see so many Mexis acting like dirty Shorites.)

-De-Na lives in New Egypt. Snooki lives in Marlboro. Does Ronnie live in RoidsVillie? These names are bullshit.

-Snooki packs "I (Heart) Vinny" panties. /File under obvious foreshadowing.

-Holy shit Jenny is has turned into a giant boobed Skeletor. I mean, I understand you are now dating a "health nut" (read: steroid abuser) in Raw-Gah, but everything but your Tittays shrunk.

30 seconds on the clock /Tosh:

1. Apparently the coke and protein diet has been efficient.

2. She looks like the Italian Kate Moss.

3. I would call that style Guido-Sheik.

4. I think her boobs are eating her torso.

5. Hunger strike until Rambo re-unite.

6. She was sick of Pauly being the skin...(Buzzer)...Oh out of time.

-I am more excited for Single Ron-Ron than I am to see a single Tebow pass.

-"You don't have to be on top." -Sammi's mom, who apparently is at peace with her daughter being a dumb, white trash whore.

-"Lift up their arms, and see if they have hair." -Vinny's uncle Don Vito, on the age of consent in Italialand.

-Advertisement: Humey and I have decided this Panet of the Apes movie is gonna be awesome. I can't wait to see Monkeys Throwing Poop defeat humans with guns. MARCEL!

-Kind of a dick move by MTV to schedule the bitches into Milan, while the boys flew straight into Florence. But if it kept Ronaldo and Samantha from sharing a room, I'm all for it.

-"Is that where I get Pesos?" -Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh Snoooki.

-"Ronnie won't be able to walk through the alley, he's gotta turn sideways." -Pauly D.

-"Pugs not Drugs." Vinny's T-shirt time. Muffin approves (4 people get this joke).

-"And Sammy, the only thing I've noticed is that she's got bigger boobs." Sage Pauly. This piles on hilariously when Nicole (Snooki) decides that she should get fake boobs because hers wobble and fro, and asks Sammy if they should get them.

-I really feel that in about 20 years that Al-Queda's most prominent and vicious terror cell will be located in Florence, solely as a result of this show.

Dear Itai-Land, we apologizo. Sorry-o about-o those Guiodos-o. Don't-o hold that against-o us. We be so a sorry-o.

-I like that Ron wants to avoid hooking up with Samm, but walks around shirtless right in front of her.

-"Finally I'm useful for something...besides being a cum dumpster." -Snooki. I made up nothing in that statement.

-"Red Light!" -Random (insert racial Italian slur). "Oh, my bad." -Pauly.

-Humey bets that Pauly D sings 'No Pigeons" first, the knock off no scrubs song from 1999.

-DeeeeeeeNa burns her weave. Turrible.

-Still not in fucking Mexico. Or speaking Spanish, Baxter.

-"I'm a good time. I'm a blast in a bra." -Pauly, speaking as D-Na's tits. FORESHADOWING.

-"Taxi Son Aqui" -Pauly D, in broken WOP, yelling "Cabs are HHHEEEEEEAAAAHHHH"

-"I just wanna dance." Lady Ron-Ron.

-"Schnookie" -Ron. While commenting on the fact that Snitch and Snooks might be hooking up.

MVG: Italy. Or no one. Just a boring ass episode, hopefully pulling a straight Trueblood and lulling me to sleep before the crazy goes boom.

Hook-ups: None. Gaaaaaaay.

Next Week: Pauly smushes Deena. Situation dies...One can hope. Ronnie punch.

This Season: Shit gets real in the Italian Sausage shop.

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