Colorado sports by a fan. A healthy dose of CSU Rams, Rockies, Broncos, Avs, and Nuggets talk, and the most important Jersey Shore recaps in the nation, among other things. I'm killing shit, buckle up and strap in. OHHHH YAAAAAA
Yep, clearly the big news of the day is LT raping some biatch!
NOPE NOPE NOPE!!!! IT is 'Merica beating some faux Frenchie at the last possible minute. The most exciting sporting moment since Matt Holliday didn't touch home plate (ironically, Donovan's celebratory headfirst slide was equally wide the of the corner flag).
Bring on the fucking Serbs, Ghanarians, Nazis or Aussie cunts, I couldn't care less. WE ARE A TEAM OF DESTINY. WE AH THA BEST EVAH!!!!
This is the greatest moment in the history of 'Merica, as far as I am concerned!
USA vs. Algeria: We best win. Win and we can sneak into first place in out group, over those roundfaced bastards. Then we probably don't have to play Germany, which would be nice.
Everything comes down to the US performance today. We can't afford a slow start because Algeria is super-stingy on D. I hope the US can take the game to them like we did for most of the contest vs. Slovenia.
Algeria was formerly occupied by France, and most of their top players end up playing for the French. Obviously the French suck at life, so anyone colonized by France is uber-pussies. I will not stand for Americans losing to these French-wannabes. Nuh-uh. Fuck that.
MERRRRRRIIIIICCCCAAAA!
Englanland vs. Slovenia: I hope they both lose. Since England is so good at ties it would be nice if they could do that again. 0-0 preferably.
Ghana vs. Germany: G's up, hoes down. If either team wins, they advance. Ghanaria spreads onto the finals with a tie, Germany must wait and see. No Klose leaves the Germs no closer to advancing (pun).
Australia vs. Serbia: The dirty Serbs need a result and a little help, the Aussies need a miracle (i.e. a win and Ghana win), especially without their two top players.
Yesterday: Argentina and South Korea advanced in opposite fashion. The fighting Marradonnas eased in with another dominant win, South Korea snuck in with a miraculous tie as Nigeria missed a billion goals in remarkable style.
In Group A Mexico and Uruaguay both advanced thanks the the suckitude that was France and South Africa. And while South Africa kinda sucks, the French took it to a whole new level. Read up here: Stupid surrender monkeys.
*Sorry this is a little weak, but I awoke in a different country yesterday. Give me a break.
Spain 2, Honduras Nil: Fernando still looks a little rusty and couldn't finish, and while David Villas' success rate could have been better (he left a small army of goals out there) he still pounded home two, the first one perhaps the best individual goal of the tournament. Spain just needs to win vs. Chile to advance, and can probably do so with a tie. Yeah!
Chile 1, Switzerland 0: A fairly boring match, as is typical of the Swiss, who just kinda hang in there, even down a man (on a terrible call). Against Spain they got the lucky bounce that created a goal, today it was the Chileans who got the break, scoring on a rush after a possible offside. Chile is almost guaranteed passage to round two, as no team who has secured 5 points or more has ever not advanced.
Portugal 7, North Korea 0: One player from Chinese Korea will be executed for each goal given up. The team will be significantly shorthanded vs. Ivory Coast, who will need to score about 15 goals in order to have a chance of advancing.
Group A Mexico vs. Uruguay: This is when the World Cup really amps. Two games at a time where a goal in one match alters the way the other match is played. Brilliant theatre.
Both these teams qualify with a tie, but Uruguay will take the pivotal number one spot in this case, which means they avoid Argentina. Mexico is sure to fight hard to avoid that case, as they were eliminated in 2006 by La Selección. (What a fucking goal that was). Let's go Uruguay.
France vs. South Africa: Whoever wins this game better do so big if they want any chance to advance. I would say with the firepower France possess it would be possible for them to pull out a big result, but since their team has quit, who knows what is going to happen.
Group B Nigeria vs. Good Korea: Basically, winner advances to knockout stage barring some craziness, which in itself is crazy because Nigeria has yet to win a match. Still, if they can beat the Koreans they only need a Greek loss to advance. They might be the last hope for Africa.
Argentina vs. Greece: The Greeks need to at least tie Argentina to have a chance to advance, but even then they need some help. They aren't going to get a tie though, so they might as well go home.
Portugal vs. People's Republic of Korea: The scrappy ass communist are in the midst of winning me over, especially due to the fact that they will probably be execute (/borat) if they fail to win a match at this World Cup. Still, Christy Ronaldo and the Portuguese are going to be far too strong. I just can't see the commi bastards keeping this one close.
Chile vs. Switzerland: This is a huge game. Winner will pretty much guarantee advancement to the knock-out stage. I really expect this to be low-scoring, with the Swiss bunkering in to get at least a point. They don't have the Chilean firepower. And the Swiss are big on ties. You know, the whole neutrality thing. I call a 0-0 tie.
SPAIN vs. Honduras: Oh man, Fernando and the Red Fury are probably fucking furious. If they don't win this game the Spanish might as well go home. I expect Torres in the starting lineup and I will bet my left nut he gets a goal, even with his short hair (what happened to those luscious locks, Nando?). Plus, Fabregas better get in there, so he can fuck some shit up. I'm calling the biggest result of the tourney so far. Spain 5, Hondo 0. I say I'm an expert, so listen up.
Paraguay 2, Slovakia 0: The two guays advance. Good for them.
Italy 1, New Zealand 1: Oh snap! The fucking Italians are on the ropes. Happy day. And if it weren't for a typical Italian dive and generous ref, the Kiwis might have stolen this one. Loco.
Brazil 3, Ivory Coast 1: Brazil got a couple of sloppy goals (one off a double-handball by Fabiano) to take a three-goal lead. Drogs got a late goal to make it interesting, but afterward Ivory Coast decided the best tactic was to piss of the Brazilians and fall over like little bitches. A stupid strategy, as Kaka's redcard will keep him out of the match vs. Portugal, the team that will likely now advance instead.
Slovakia vs. Paraguay: This game has already started, but who really gives a shit. Actually, fuck Slovokia because they are almost Slovenia. And Slovenia really pisses me off.
Italy vs. New Zealand: If you aren't cheering for New Zealand in this game you are a goombah piece of Jersey Shore I-Tai trash. Fuck the Azzurri. I hope they lose and all their players' families are killed by mafioso.
Brazil vs. Cote d'Ivoire: Drogba better start this match, unlike the last match where his prescience was missed. I want to see my crazy Drogs fucking Brazilian shit up. Please, if there is a Soccer God, let this game open up. So many talented players, let's let them showcase some of it.
All the little dishwashers and sweepers (puke picker-uppers) at work are Brazilian and like to talk shit to me about futbol, so I'm hoping they choke tomorrow so I can look up "Suck a fatty nutsack you doucheknuckle" in Portuguese. Because sadly Brazilians do not speak Spanish, no matter how often or slowly I yell at them. I thought it was a rule all brown people had to speak Spanish?
Netherland 1, Japan Nil: VANDERSEXXXXX trumps tentacle-rape. Wesley Sniejder fired in a lazer that should have been saved by Kawashima, and then Kawashima stoned at least three awesome chances for the Netherworlders. Fortunately his blunder freed us from another 0-0 draw. Also the freaky Dutch advanced to round two with the win.
Aussie 1, Ghana 1: Another goalkeeping gaffe, in almost the exact same spot as America's favorite Brit Robert Green's fuck-up, gave the Socceroos an early lead. Harry Kewell then unfortunately grew an arm that was struck by a Ghanan shot. For using his arm Kewell was booted, probably a harsh punishment, but soccer refs really are not a fan of arms and/or hands. Somehow short a man Australia managed to compete and earn the tie vs. Ghana. Everyone remains alive in Group D, but the men from down undah are the only one who don't control their own destiny.
Denmark 2, Cameroon 1: Africa loses one of their great hopes, as Denmark scores two unanswered goals to continue the history of European countries keeping the African people down. Very 19th century, you Danes.
The Danes must beat the Kamikazes on Thursday if they wish to advance as they trail in goal differential by one.
Each day of the World Cup I will give you a quick, dirty preview and recap of the teams and games each day. I will base all of this information on FIFA 10 and stereotypes. And irrational hatred. Because that is what soccer is all about. Well, that and the whole rioting thing.
USA 3, Slovenia 2, Fucktarded Ref From Mali 1: I was so angry about the events in this game that I decided I must go through the entire game and post my thoughts, sorry this could be a little long.
6:45 AM: Sack awakes from semi-drunken slumber. Attempts to sort out why he is awake so early again.
7:00 AM: I finally get up after mashing snooze and turn on TV to see the kickoff. Holy shit, they really don't dick around with these times. Unlike MLB and NFL where a 7 o'clock game means about 9:45.
1' (Switching to soccer time from here on out): Just 15 seconds in and Dempsey throws a bow right into some douchy roundface's round face. Somehow doesn't get carded. Apparently also using all the good will this ref would allow the US.
2' I arrive at the bar down the block as the second customer, the only one who actually seems intent on watching the game. The old lady named Carol tending the bar looks very confused when I order a Coors Light. "I usually only serve coffee this early." And I'm usually sleeping, but when America needs me, dammit, I will heed her call to drink.
5' Bradley feeds a nice ball to Findley, who makes a bad touch and can't get a cross in. We luckily get a corner, but Donovan uses the occasion to try to break the ankles of the Slovenian at the near post. Get it up, son.
13' I speculate to myself, "Hey, at least we are almost through the first 15' without giving up a goal, great star...Son of a whore."
The entire US defense decides to watch as Birsa recieves a pass, takes a couple touches, stutter steps, licks his finger to check the wind, read a scouting report on Tim Howard's defense and jerks off before lacing one in the goal. A nice hit, but not so nice that no one did a thing. Oneywu just stood there, no midfielder tracked back, even Howard failed to give it the courtesy dive. What the fuck, fuckos?
15' US gets a set piece and Donovan barely misses a couple heads in the box. It becomes apparent that the Slovenians can't cover the US in these situations.
23' Onyewu lets the tall, Willard looking motherfucker run free on a long ball into the box. A number of old guys have shown up at the bar and they are all drinking coffee. Fuck me, I guess it isn't 5 o'clock here.
35' Altidore earns a free kick just outside the 18. Torres laces one to the corner off the free kick and nearly catches the keeper napping. Donovan also just misses flicking it in. On the following corner DeMerrit comes flying in and almost buries a splendid header. The old sitting next to me decides he is in a bar after all and makes his coffee a "nutty irishman" by adding Jameson or something. Fuck yeah!
39' Donovan with a great tackle that frees Findley, who proceedes to fuck up a 4-3 advantage by playing a weak cross that would embarrass a 7-year old. Donovan punishes Findley by playing the following corner directly off his face, and the ref decides this is clearly a handball. All in all a spectacular sequence.
Findley gets a yellow and a golden chance for the US is wiped away for no apparent reason. Ian Darke calls it "maybe the stupidest decision" he has ever seen.
Seconds later the US nearly equalizes again, with a very pretty combination run, but Dempsey cross is just not enough to get over to Donovan. As always, when you have this many chances and can't score...
42' Ljubiajankic is barely onside as Onyewu is slow to step and he beats Howard, who doesn't take the best of angles. The Slovenians then do some gay little dance which can best be described as the "Fork in the Garbage Disposal" Dance. It is really, really gay, even for faggy Euros.
HALFTIME: After throwing my hat across the bar in disgust I decide a change of venue is needed, along with a change of drink. I head home and tweet:
"For luck all USA fans need to shotgun a nice warm American beer. It may no help, but at leas we will be drunk #shotgunfortheusa"
Then add:
I've switched to drinking busch and left the bar to scream swears freely at my house. #shotgunfortheusa
Additionally, Bob Bradley subs in Edu (not Freddy, but the good one, the one some people call Maurice woop, woo) and Feilhaber. I also bet he chewed some ass. It worked.
48' Cherundolo plays a nice ball over the top, misplayed a bit by the Slovokian defender, and Donovan goes in and just buries one with almost no angle. It seemed he was looking to cross for a while, and the keeper Handanovic was thinking likewise, until he ran out of time and roofed it, actually causing the goalie to flinch away from the shot. Terrible keeping there, but a great shot and a great willpower goal. Donovan was not to be denied.
What a silly, little faggot!
I can only assume at this point I woke my neighbors, by jumping screaming and running out to my "patio" to shotgun another Busch Light.
50' We almost equalize, but Dempsey barely flicks it and Gooch is a step slow (this, it seems, is a pattern).
Darke tells us that this is the same field where Brazil came back to beat the US 3-2 last year. Good karma.
69' Schuller pulls down Altidore and is very lucky to recieve a yellow. US gets a PK from just outside the box. On the set piece Altidore finds a loose ball in the box and his turn-around shot from the penalty spot has eyes only for Handanovic's chest.
Around this moment I tweet: "This ref is fucking garbage."
80' Gomez comes in for Onyewu, finally. Seconds later Bradley is turned away on an ambitious shot by Handanovic. The US has tilted the field but is quickly running out of time.
82' Donovan a long pass, Altidore stands tall and heads the ball down, Gomez's run occupies Cesar the central defender. It leaves Bradley all alone vs. Handanovic and he one-touch volleys the ball in for the tie. Even though I was all alone, there was pandemonium in the Sack household. Chairs were tipped over and beer thrown. What a glorious moment! Nepotism FTT (for the tie)
85' After the Slovenians threaten a little, Altidore draws a foul outside the 18. Donovan swerves in a beautiful ball, Edu is uncovered in the middle with Dempsey right behind him as he buries the cross. The US has completed a monumental comeback and is minutes from stealing one of the most improbable wins in World Cup history. Except, youknow, the fact that the US was called for a foul. Which is obvious in this picture:
I mean look at all those calls that should have gone against the US. Look at Bradley using the highly illegal piggyback move...smh or this video
Slovenian defender Marko Suler was adamant the referee had made the correct decision to disallow Edu’s goal and accused the Americans of roughhouse tactics.
“They were pushing and holding all the time,” Suler said. “You could see it was a foul and it was the correct decision. They did not deserve to win the game. It would not have been the correct result. We were the better team.”
Really? The better team that should have lost 3-2. As the US had more shots, possesion, corners and was robbed of at least one goal, you guys were clearly better. Plus you cunts were the team with 4 cards, we got one for getting hit in the face with the ball. Clearly WE were pushing and holding all game. FUCK OFF. Roundface.
88' Slovenia gets a chance that they douche up and then the US D again falls asleep and allows a great chance for the EuroFucks. If they had scored at this point I would have flown to Mali and committed genocide. I even tweeted:
"I hope that Obama bombs the Mali village this cunt ref lives in. #Fuckmali
I am Sack, and I approve this message.
90' Gomez gets called for a weak foul, but he would've missed anyway.
90'+ The Ref can't even figure out how to effectively end the match. What a fucking twat!
The South African coverage said they were embarrassed for their continent supplying third-rate refs. Dwam!
And at this point the US was totally screwed. England would beat Algeria, causing the US to trail both England and Slovenia in the standing, but...
England nil, Algeria nil: The English prove yet again that they love nothing more than to disappoint their own fans. Good job, eh. Now the US controls our own destiny (manifest destiny?) but it is clear that Algeria will be very tough.
Bosnia 1, Germany nil: The ref in this one set the bar that Koman Fuckface lept over. 9 cards, including booking Klose in the first half. Stupid. What a great day for FIFA refs.
Each day of the World Cup I will give you a quick and dirty preview of the teams that will play each day. I will base all of this information on FIFA 10 and stereotypes. And irrational hatred. Because that is what soccer is all about. Well, that and the whole rioting thing.
America, AMERICA, FUCKING 'MERICA vs. Slovenia: Everyone is saying this is a must win, but the US can really afford to tie this one and make Lance Moorman's day. We all know he loves a tie. *Aside: Lance, I know you would like the "The most hyped USA event of the last 6 months" to have a winner, but unfortunately America and ESPN don't run the World Cup (you know, unlike how ESPN runs the BCS and Stern rigs the NBA). We have to play by the rules, and basically this is a "regular season" game as far as the World Cup goes. There will be no ties in the next round aka the playoffs. Instead there will be PKs, and those are fucking gayer than a tie. Again, I'll expand on this further late in the tournament.
And yes, pretty much we did "tie" the Revolutionary War. The British were by all accounts winning, actually, but got sick of fighting and the US had to have France back us in order to guarantee their surrender. Really I'm glad this time we settled at even with England rather than have to send for Thierry Henry and Abidal to come help the US.
As far as I see it, England will not lose to the Slovenians and will probably beat them, so the US needs at least a result in this one to stay alive and then a dub vs. Algeria. BUT, a win basically guarantees us through to the round of 16. So let's get it.
I don't know much about Slovenia, Slovakia or the Czech Republic, but I know that a lot of my favorite pornstars are from that region, so I know these Round Faced Boskurs (I actually found some slurs for Slovenians, bless the interweb. It isn't really racist because all these slurs could be used against me, right?) are eager to be fucked by the long dick of America. Give it to 'em boys.
And when you are celebrating the US success, don't forget to jam some Duece aka Clint Dempsey, along with HAWK (may he RIP):
England vs. Algeria: While in some ways it would be nice to see the Brits choke in this game so that they struggle to advance, it would also be nice to see them win big so that Algeria are totally eliminated by the time the US plays them. Also, since we are so proud of our tie I don't want it to be solely because the Brits suck, I want it to be because the US is finally good. Really, I hope the English rip on the Algerian's mothers so much that each and everyone of them headbutts an Englishman and gets a red card so that they have to forfeit vs. the US.
Germany vs. Serbia: The Serbians have their backs up against the wall, and you know what a Serb does in that situation? Probably resorts to Genocide, as that is all they really know. Guess what the Germans specialize in? Yeah. But the Germans are much more effective at it, even if they have been out of training for about 70 years. Still, I think Klose and Ballack know what to do. I mean, I assume this song is about the thousands of Gyspies that Lukas Podolski has slayed.
Argentina 4, South Korea 1: Messi killed it in this one. And some lucky asshole named Higuan scored the easiest hat trick in the history of hat tricks. Not one more than five yards from the goal. South Korea tried, but they just couldn't compete.
I love that the media is suddenly saying that Marradonna is doing good because Argentina advanced. Like his team had a chance of failing at all, shit South Korea, Greece and Nigeria do not even belong in the same league. Let's wait until round 2 when he inserts himself into the starting lineup or tries to organize a military coup of Swaziland before calling him a great coach.
Greece 2, Nigeria 1: God damn, this is soccer and using your feet is reccomended, but no need to kick a man in the leg. And AN ACADEMY AWARD to that Greek asshole for falling like he had been shot. This theatrics is one of my many items on Sack's list to fix soccer, which I will break out later in the tournament.
Mexico 2, France Nil: Look, I hate the French as much as the next man (unless that man is old, because old men hate the French way more than I ever can, something about having to storm Normandy to save those Faguettes), but man they got did wronged. And by Mexican'ts at that.
Goal numero uno was offside, goal number dos was justified, but it still was a bit of a dive. Congrats to old man Blanco on the goal though. I really have a soft spot for that guy. Might hire him to be my gardener when all is said and done.
Bonus: Allegedly something happened with some Mexican based basketball team beating the Irish. Los Angeles beat Celtic. Who gives a shit? Not this guy.
Each day of the World Cup I will give you a quick and dirty preview of the teams that will play each day. I will base all of this information on FIFA 10 and stereotypes. And irrational hatred. Because that is what soccer is all about. Well, that and the whole rioting thing.
Argentina vs. South Korea: Our first match-up of teams who both won their first contest. If either team wins they guarantee a berth into the second round. I'll wager you that Argentina is said team. The Good Koreans are feisty, but they don't have enough talent to hang with Messi and the boys for too long.
Greece vs. Nigeria: Both teams will be desperate for a point at least, so the potential for both to bunker in like bitches is high, especially if Argentina deposes of South Korea. The Greeks probably need to get a win more in this match, already having lost to the Koreans and with Argentina looming in game three. Hopefully they come out attacking and Nigeria responds in kind. Both these teams are screwed if Korea somehow pulls out a point vs. Argentina.
France vs. Mexico: CINCO DE MAYO REDUX. Yes, I hate both these places with a passion, but I missed out on Cinco de Mayo for work and I shall make tomorrow my own personal Cinco de Drinko. Every time I hear a Vuvuzela I will take a drink.
Day 6 recap Chile 1, Honduras 0: Honduras was just outclassed and somehow only lost by 1. Should have been more but great goalkeeping and some poor Chilean finishes kept it close. Love me some Chilean Sea Bass.
Switzerland 1, Spain Nil: Shocker of the tournament. My boy Torres didn't start, neither did Fabregas as Spain was maybe a little overconfident. The Swiss scored an ugly ass goal and almost added another in transition later. The Swiss used the same strategy as the US did during our big upset of Spain last season and this game was almost a carbon copy.
The Spanish are a bit too focused on making the perfect play and they don't have a lot of size, so by forcing them to the outside you can frustrate them. They refused to attempt to cross in the ball for much of the contest and seemingly refused to swing any corner into the box. Yes they dominated possession, but if that possession is not threatening it is worthless.
Still, I wouldn't bet against the Red Fury storming back to win their final two matches, as neither Chile nor Honduras are exactly world beaters .
Uruguay 3, South Africa Nil: Shove that in your Vuvuzela! Forlan knocked in a couple as South Africa was outclassed. This certainly makes the Mexico-France matchup huge for those two, as Uruguay is now in the driver's seat with 4 points and a +3 differential.
Each day of the World Cup I will give you a quick and dirty preview of the teams that will play each day. I will base all of this information on FIFA 10 and stereotypes. And irrational hatred. Because that is what soccer is all about. Well, that and the whole rioting thing.
Honduras vs. Chile: Those Hondurans owe their existence in this World Cup to the US. When we scored two late goals to tie Costa Rica, we bumped Hondo into the Cup and forced Costa Rica into a playoff against one of the Guays. Being a fellow CONCACAF team, we gotta respect Hondo, but man do I love Chile. Especially green chile. Mmmmm Green Chile /Homer
This game is a tale of two Suazos, as Humberto Suazo, the leading scorer in the CONMEBOL (i.e. South America) region returns for Chile, while David Suazo, the Honduran forward will miss the game. Another costly injury for the Hondruas is to their other leading goal scorer Carlos Costly (see the pun in that sentence?).
Leading Chile is wonder-kin Alexis Sanchez. He is really good, and allegedly 21, but knowing those tricky Latins, probably like 47.
Spain vs. Switzerland: Come ye and bathe in the glory that is Fernando Torres. El Nino is simply put the best. Fuck what I said yesterday bout Drogs and Ronaldo, or what you've heard about Messi, they can suck a dick. Torres, when healthy, is the shit.
But since he is just returning from injury, he might not even start for Spain. Yeah, they are that loaded. If you watch a bit of futbol or play FIFA, you will recognize the Spanish stars; Fabergas, David Silva, David Villa, Iniesta, Xavi, Xabi Alonso, Sergio Ramos, Puyol, Pique. Shit, this team is so deep that Pepe Reina is backup Iker Casillas and would probably start for every other team in the Cup.
And yet somehow they lost to the US last year. Which is why they are not prohibitive favorites, because Spain has a bigger history of choking than even England. Or maybe had, as this group won the Euro Cup in 2008, breaking a half-century title drought in the process.
They should stomp everyone in this group, especially the Swiss, we better enter this battle with their knives and watches if they want any chance. Oh, and their best player may be injured. They are so fucking fuct.
South Africa vs. Uraguay: Onto the second slate of group play matches. This one will be pretty important, as every team in Group A is tied after their first match. The Bafana Bafana will be buzzin their Vuvuzelas on some important South African holiday, so basically Uraguay is uber-fucked by karma here. Still, Diego Forlan loves to kick people in the teeth with bigtime goals and UR-A-Gay loves to play collapsing, defensive soccer, so they may be able to frustrate the hosts and steal this one.
I hope that South Africa jumps up early and forces Uraguay to chase the game, opening up the field for a much needed fast-paced game.
Recap New Zealand 1, Slovakia 1: A pretty boring match for much of it, but it got real fun at the end. Winston Ried sucked and failed to defend on Vittek's goal, then, just in the nick time he went and totally fucking redeemed himself. Guess what? We now have two groups where all teams tied their first games. In this, even more impressive, all scored one goal. Maybe Lance Moorman is right.
Aside: He is not. In a game that lasts 90 minutes, players don't have much left in the tank to play more, especially when they will play again in 5 days. You can't have overtime in the first round and shootouts are really just a crap shoot (I'll have more on this later in the Cup). It is too big of a punishment to fall three points behind your opponent after you played them evenly for a full game.
Teams will settle for a tie in the first round, especially the first game, and though it sucks at the time, it really sets up for much greater drama in the final games in the group stage. By the time we get to the final matches of the group stage the two games are played simultaneously, so things get fucking hectic. Imagine every team in Group F going into the last game all-square on points and goal differential. Think that wouldn't be crazy, with every goal not only impacting that game, but another game going on across the country. Crazy awesomeness.
This happens all the time, where (hypothetically) the US is tied 0-0 with Slovenia and just needs to keep the match tied in order to advance, because England is beating Algeria 1-0. But suddenly in the '88 Algeria scores. The US hears about this from text message or something, and suddenly they have to crank up their attack in order to pull out the win to advance. Glorious sports bar theater right there.
That shit doesn't happen without the option of ties.
Portugal vs. Ivory Coast (Nil-Nil): A boring first half, only stimulated by cock-tease Ronaldo jamming on off the post and falling down when breathed upon. A much more entertaining second still saw no goals, as Drogs cunted up a late chance after heroically coming on as a sub. Brasil 2, Communist Korea 1: North Korea bunkered in like they did during the Korean War and it took Brazil over a half to figure them out. Finally, Maicon scored from no-angle, a stunning goal that yet again I'm sure I could have stopped. Brazil added another, and then just let some little Korean zip on through for the easiest goal of the tournament. Not sure what that was all about. Didn't really matter, but it shows there is a chink in the mighty Brazil armor, which perhaps Ronaldo and Drogba may be able to go as well.
*Bonus: Did you notice I used both chink and zip in that recap, with neither in a racist manner. Aren't you proud?
Each day of the World Cup I will give you a quick and dirty preview of the teams that will play each day. I will base all of this information on FIFA 10 and stereotypes. And irrational hatred. Because that is what soccer is all about. Well, that and the whole rioting thing.
At the last minute yesterday I was dragged to a work afterparty and proceeded to do what I do best, get ignant and break stuff. In the aftermath I was unable to preview today's matches. My bad. I will try to do better, but as long as there is alcohol to be consumed, I will attempt to drink it. I apologize.
On to the real action: Netherlands 2, Denmark 0: I was unaware that these were different countries. Joking.
The Freaky Deeky Dutch won this one 2-nil. Well, the Dutch only scored once, a typical ugly-ass Dirk Kuyt goal, and Denmark was kind enough to give their neighbors an own goal.
Seriously, Kuyt never scores on rippers or through balls, he just manages to find the ball setting next to the net and usually he scores while falling on his ass. World class strikers are like artists (Drogba is like Sarat, beautiful from afar but flawed up close) and that makes Kuyt like Pollock. Splatter everywhere but somehow it works. Unfortunately this doesn't translate to FIFA, so I bench his bitch ass every game. Hustle does not translate to videogame avatars
I just love Holland's awesome Day-glo orange jerseys, even if they wear them for some random ass reason. Those babies are sweet. And handy to be wearing if drunk, lost and wandering down an interstate.
Japan 1, Cameroon 0: Tentacle-rape porn defeats Lion mauling 1-nil. (You can bet your ass I'm gonna keep writing nil instead of 0. But there is no fucking way I will spell out 0. Four letters is too many). Kaz Matsui laced in a cross to E. Honda who deftly slipped it by Cameroon's goalie Holyshitthatsalongname (actually it is Souleymanou Hamidou, and I'm just guessing on those Jap's names).
Mbia later let loose a fucking rocket for the Cameron Crazies and damn near broke the cross bar, further proving how an inch or two can alter a game. Now, Cameroon is FUCT and Japan is so happy they could shit.
We should have seen this coming, with Japan's hatred of sea creatures (FUCK-A YOU, Dolf-Feen), it makes sense they would love to slaughter endangered creatures like Les Lions Indomptables.
Italy 1, Paraguay 1: Sheeet, I blew all of my gay jokes on Ura-gay. First there was one, now there are a pair of them. Holy shit, the Guays are procreating.
Sorry, that got out of hand. Well, root for a Pairofguays or the filthy fucking I-tais, whose entire team is gay. Italy's national team is dubbed the Azzurri, because they prefer to wear all blue. Which makes sense, since blue is not one of the three colors on their flag. Maybe they were sick of everyone confusing them for Mexicans, who have the same colors on their flag but decided to wear black jerseys vs. South Africa. And we just discussed Holland's Orange. Shit, the rest of the World is fucking retarded when it comes to colors.
Sidenote: The USA doesn't wear red because some dumbass was very anti-Russia and never wanted us to look like Pinko/Commies. I guess we are retarded too.
Anyway, Paraguay almost upset the reigning World Champs, but had to settle for a draw, which still pissed in the Italian's lasagna. They should have gotten the W, but another goaltender error (or Howler, as the Brits call them) allowed Italy to tie. I was a goalie in high school, and let me tell you something, if I was born in England my British ass would have just beat the USA 1-nil. Good for you I am 'Merican. They used to call me The Wall. God I miss those days /cries into letter jacket
This was a typical Italian game; ugly, defensive, full of embellishment (i.e. dives), hairy WOPs and determined to end in a tie. Basically, everything everyone hates about soccer is what Italy prides themselves on. I watched highlights of this game and they were boring. UGGGLLLYYYY. And they stole Giuseppe Rossi from us and then left him off the roster. FUCK YOU, Italy.
And if you needed any further reason to cheer against Italy, check out the Pairoffunbags on this chica. Paraguayyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TOMORROW: Slovakia vs. New Zealand: Slovakia and Slovenia both advanced here, that is confusing. In addition to sucking at colors, you Eurofags suck at names, these are way too close. When Czechoslovakia broke up really you bags should have really tried to differentiate yourselves. Like Kazakhstan did. Just by coming up with that awesome name they became Borat's home.
Anyway, onto the actual analysis: Both these teams suck.
New Zealand gets in on the basis that they can field a team, as I assume their main opponents in the Pacific are Fiji and Pygmy Land. Slovakia has the esteemed Martin Skertel, who is awesome for Liverpool in FIFA and it is just fun to scream SKERTEL in random situations, especially right when you ejaculate. I suggest you try it.
New Zealand's team is called the All-Whites, so I assume they will be very popular with various factions of racist ass South Africa. And they pretty much are an all-white team.I really hope the blacks in South Africa cheer against them just because of this name. And rape them.
Like the All-Blacks of rugby, they perform the HAKA war dance. It used to be cool, but then BYU did it. Once a Morman learns a dance it loses all intimidation.
This is the worst game of the Cup not featuring Italy, sleep through it.
Ivory Coast vs. Portugal: DO NOT SLEEP THROUGH THIS GAME! This might be the best game of the first slate of games. Ronaldo vs. Dorgba. Hair Gel vs. Soul Glo. Glamor Model vs. Shrek.
Sidenote: That may be the best techno song I have ever heard. Signs I've been working in a bar too long, I'm beginning to appreciate techno. LET'S TAKE E AND FUCK EACH OTHER IN OUR NOSES!
Cristiano is so good he stole the Ronaldo solomente name from Chubby Ronaldo. Who is not to be confused with sometime chubby Ronaldinho. Plus he loves him some whores. Like 10 at a time. Gotta respect that.
Drogba is straight G. Celebrating goals with mock machine gun massacres (2nd goal in video), bitching constantly and generally behaving like an NBA diva. He is like Kobe, minus the rape. I fell in love with Drogs in FIFA. He is so fast and posses such a rocket that Chelsea became my team. But then I met Fernando and realized Chelsea is like the Yankees on crack, so I bailed. He is so good, my fairly racist roommate who hated soccer fell in love with Drogba. That is talent.
The bummer is that Drogba might not play due to a broken elbow, mostly because he could use the cast as a weapon and I'm pretty sure South Africa still has rules about blacks carrying weapons.
Both these teams are fucking stacked, Portugal a little more so, so I expect a nil-nil tie, naturally.
Brazil vs. Communist Korea: The fuck, I didn't know these assholes were able to field a team, let alone on good enough to make the world cup. Still, they will be real Rone-ry at the bottom of group E, aka THE GROUP OF DEATH.
Congrats Fighting Kim-Jung Ill's, you made the World Cup and now you get....(drum roll)... FUCKED IN THE ASS. Seriously, they are going to be the punching bags for three games. Especially with goal differential likely to be crucial in this group, I expect Brazil, Portugal and Ivory Coast to put a as many goals as possible. I bet Ronaldo scores one goal for each of his five hookers.
For Brazil, Kaka will likely take a shit on Korea today (poop joke, holler!), but I expect it will be Luis Fabiana who gets at least a brace today (2 goals).
Good times shall be had by all. I'll check back in tomorrow with previews and a rebuttle of Lance Moorman's hatred of ties. Reader participation is what makes a blog.
Each day of the World Cup I will give you a quick and dirty preview of the teams that will play each day. I will base all of this information on FIFA 10 and stereotypes. And irrational hatred. Because that is what soccer is all about. Well, that and the whole rioting thing.
Slovenia vs. Algeria: I recognize one player from each of these teams. My heritage connects me much more towards the Slovenly boys, but the fact that Algeria loses all of its best players to France gives them a soft spot in my heart. And as a USA fan, we should probably cheer for a draw, rife with cards. Both teams have played the David role to get to the tournament, upsetting Russia and Egypt respectively to qualify, hopefully this trend does not continue vs. the USA.
Serbia vs. Ghana: I am Croation (in part), so fuck Serbia. The Ghanarians beat the US to eliminate us from the last World Cup, so fuck them. Serbian defender Nevan Subotic was on US National Teams as a youth, but after a dickbag coach left him out in the cold for the US U-20 squad, he acted like a bigger dickbag and decided to play for Serbia instead. So fuck him. Ghana has Michael Essien, he is pretty awesome. Ghanaria FTW.
Germany vs. Australia: I think it is really hard for anyone to really hate Australia, those lovable Foster-swilling criminals from Down-Undah. Germany is very easy to hate. BUT, I am part German and will be watching all their matches will my new German friends. So the better Germany does, the more free drinks I should receive. LETS GO NAZILAND.
Germany is always a traditional power and features big, athletic, physical strikers like Miroslav Klose, Gomez and Mueller. Plus, they have maybe the most awesomely named player of all time, Bastian Schweinsteiger. So fun to say.
Australia has Tim Cahill, whose name is Australian for header goal. The man is money on crosses and set pieces. Actually both sides are pretty money on set pieces, so we could have a goal-a-palooza on our hands (like 2-1).
Each day of the World Cup I will give you a quick and dirty preview of the teams that will play each day. I will base all of this information on FIFA 10 and stereotypes. And irrational hatred. Because that is what soccer is all about. Well, that and the whole rioting thing.
FORWARD: I was on vacation in Colorado for the week and then got delayed by a tornado closure at DIA before going home. This kinda fucked my shit up. Sorry this is pretty short.
Korea: Southern, not Red Kim Jung Ill "Me So Ronery." Really into speed skating. One of their players in on Manchester United. US tied them in 2002. They can go fuck off for losing that war to the US in the 60s. I predict they will score early in the match vs. Greece.
Greece: They won the Euro Cup in 2004, shocking the world. They play booorrrring ass soccer, and that is really saying something. They like it in the ass.
Argentina: Diego Maradona is batshit insane and told reporters to "suck his dick" after Argentina scraped by into the World Cup. Messi is the greatest player in the world, hands down, and if you disagree you are fucking stupid. If you have picked up a PS3 controller and played with any of the stud teams the names Milito, Tevez (ugliest man alive?), Mascherano, Rodriguez (Maxi Pad) and others will be instantly familiar. Too bad Maradona is coach and will probably kill Messi at some point while mainlining coke.
Nigeria: Always dangerous and athletic, the poor Nigerias haven't been the same since Steve Atwater killed Christian Okeye:
Group C: United States: I'm a big fan. Clint Dempsey is a sweet rapper. Jozy Altidore is supremely athletic and lacks polish. Landycakes Donovan has finally stepped up to play at the level that was expected. Everyone is hurt. Last time we played England in the World Cup we won 1-0 in 1950, then didn't win a World Cup game for about 44 years; You could say we blew our load.
England: Soccer equivalent of Chicago Cubs, but gayer. We beat them in the Revolutionary War, War of 1812, Civil War and both World Wars. Rooney is the star and player most likely to take the traditional "dumbass who gets booked and ruins the English tournament run."
-Sorry again this was weak, I'll try to post better recaps and previews once my brain returns to %30 function.
Each day of the World Cup I will give you a quick and dirty preview of the teams that will play each day. I will base all of this information on FIFA 10 and stereotypes. And irrational hatred. Because that is what soccer is all about. Well, that and the whole rioting thing.
South Africa: I've never been to South Africa, but the Power of One is my favorite book so I am pretty much an expert on this racist ass country. Also, because ESPN has been running promos and magazine features non-stop for the last 6 months about how sports helped overcome apartheid I am already sick of South Africa. But it makes sense to run those features before the cup, because South Africa sucks and will get molested all tournament long.I know almost nothing about this team, because why would I play with South Africa in FIFA. I mean, shit, that is like playing as the Lions. Nope. I know that they kicked off their all-time leading scorer for being a fatty. I'm sure that will help their chances.
I'm certainly not cheering for any openly racist team. Fuck South Africa. What's that? The team is pretty much all black. Hmmm. I still bet that they don't like white people very much. All I know is the white people in SA are either English or German, and both can go suck a dick.
The real reason everyone should cheer against South Africa is the damn Vuvuzela. No, it is not a new form of apartheid, but it is the constant whining, buzzing sound that will make your eardrums bleed. The South African people love them, and just blow into them all game long. It is insufferable during any game, but especially so during SA games.
I wouldn't totally count them out, as I think Nelson Mandella is quite the assest on set pieces.
Mexico: Already having established that I don't like South Africa I must now reach a whole 'nother level of hatred to describe my dislike of these cunts. I can't even write how angry Mexican soccer make me. I hope they all die when their piece of shit Estadia Azteca falls apart. Preferably as they are hosting Costa Rica.
The worst are Mexican fans that live in America. Guess what assholes? You fled your shithole country to come here, quit supporting Blanco and his shithead teammates. We have a few Mexican-American athletes on our squad, we should have more if all the good Mexicans here didn't go back as soon as they got good. Putas.
The Mexican squad is always pretty damn good, especially in Mexico City, but as soon as they go on the road-o they forget-o how to win-o (You know I don't speak Spanish). Fortunately for them they have basically a bye against South Africa and struggling ass France in their group. They should advance. Old man Blanco and young buck Gio de los Santos are both capable of making things happen, and their fans like to vomit in cups and throw them at Landy-cakes (This is how queso/bean-dip was invented).
If you want to make their fans angry, just tell them about the time the US beat them in the 2002 World Cup. I suggest fashioning a yellow page vest prior to doing this, as you know the Mexican't is gonna go to town with his shiv.
France: Oh good God, this is the group of Douche. These cheating, smelly, cowardly, cunty, ugly, stuck-up, cigarette-sucking, head-butting, ball-fondelers should not even be in this World Cup. It should be the awesomely drunk and entertaining Irish. But Henry (pronounced On-Ree) got away with a handball to score and elminate our red-haired, church bombing brothers. Sad.
Henry really isn't that bad of a guy, and he is crossing the pond soon to play in the US, so lay off him, mostly because their are so many more players on the French team to mock. Like Frank Ribery, who very much enjoys his underage whores. Or the fact that most French people are arrogant assholes, so they just invite hate.
Plus, almost all the players on the French team are born in other countries, like Algeria or Senegal or some other dickbag African country that France colonized and fucked up. They used to steal diamonds and gold from those countries, now they just steal people. AND THAT IS SLAVERY AND THAT IS WRONG.
Warning: Do not make comments about French people's mothers. They get all headbutty. Which is a strong example of why French people suck at fighting wars, because if you were really that mad at someone, why not hit them in the face?
UruagayUraguay: Thank God for the Guays. Man, I guess I do have a team to root for in this group of A-holes. Plus I get to make a lot of lame gay jokes. You know their biggest rival is Uralezbo. Harf harf.
Diego Forlan is an asshole to Liverpool, so I'm not a big fan of him, but if he sticks a few goals past the French of Mexis, I might be persuaded to appreciate him a bit more.
I couldn't even place the Gays on a map, but they wear baby blue, so Sack approves.
Tomorrow, group B aka AMMMMMEEERRRRIIIICCCCAAAAA, Twatty Cunts, and some other random countries.
