Lazy Summer Days: Sack's Summer Sports Guide

I apologize sincerely for the lack of blogs lately, but the combination of 60 hour work weeks and no computer has seriously hamstrung your boy. But, thanks to my sister's roommates boyfriend-ish guy, my computer is alive, and soon I'll have me a pretty little Macbook as well, so I will have no excuse (save my epic laziness).

Still, it isn't like much has happened in the last few weeks. Yes, I still owe a Nuggs and Avs season recap, but we are in no rush for those, as both leagues are still in the midst of the playoffs. The Rockies are pretty much treading water lately, Tim Tebow has his own ESPN page so what really can I add and even Liverpool crapped out on me in the EPL. Lakers vs. Celtics is so gay (and 2000 & Late /gay Black Eyed Fergie), LeBron watch is almost as annoying as Favre watch and if I have to watch another Red Sox/Yankees game on ESPN I will cut out my own eyes.

So really there isn't any point even paying attention to sports right now? Enjoy the sunshine in San Diego and work hard to get ahead in life, that is the plan.

Hahashaha. Fuck that. Sacky Sack will always find some reasons to watch sports, so here is your summer viewing guide:


#1 The World Cup: I missed most of the Premier League season with no FSC (and I had no FIFA to help me cope), but it was pretty fucking weak. Torres was all hurted, Chelsea beat everyone senseless, every team is going fucking bankrupt or some shit. But none of that matters now, as every person in the world will have enough soccer (err, futbol) to entertain them for an entire month. Every day from June 11-on is equivalent to the Super Bowl for at least four countries. That is so badass.

I get a boner every time I think about it. The best part? That the games start at like 7AM Cali time each day, perfect for my schedule. Guess who is gonna do lots of morning drinking? This motherfucker, that's who.

I'll try to get out my own World Cup Preview soon, rife with stereotypes and incorrect assesments of teams based soley on my like/dislike of players in FIFA (For Example: Fuck the Godamn Czech Republic because of that helmet wearing cunt Petr Cech).

 #2 Ubaldo Jimenez: Like me, you may not have witnessed his no-no. Unlike me, you probably didn't happen to see him lose his only game (OH NOS I am bringing Edy/Kilometers level jinxers on my teams now. Too much Cali). But every time the U-Ball grabs the ball-o-twine greatness might explode from his hand. So at least once a week the Rocks are must see TV. Tune in, bitches.

#3 NBA Free Agency: Yes, I bitched about the Bron-Bron overkill, but what happens this summer is gonna be insane. And it will affect the Nuggs, even if they aren't directly involved. I mean, say LBJ ends up on the Clippers or Mavericks, suddenly WTF do the Nuggies do? Other than try to induce Texas into declaring war on the US and getting the Mavs axed from the league? We can't get past the Jazz flutes, how are we gonna get past Kobe, LBJ as well? Shit.

Even better what if, what if LBJ signs with the Wizards. Even sans Gil, Lebron plus Wall, McGee and Blatche is a frightening team. Most athletic team in history potential. Not saying, just saying.


#4 Always Sunny In Philly: Replays on Comedy Central. FTW bitches. I have watched way too much Scrubs on that channel, they needed something else. This will work great.

#5 MLB Quick Pitch: Remember when they showed highlights on Baseball Tonight or Sportscenter? No. Well watch the MLB Network's nightly show and enjoy pretty much every run from every game. If you aren't lucky enough to have FSN and the Rockies Double Play, this is the best you can get. Tivo'd nightly, for sure.

#6 Stanley Cup Finals: I hate Philly fans and teams. I'm not a big fan of Chi-Town teams and their constantly whining fanbases. Still, this should be a great match-up. If not just for the team colors. Black and Red vs. Black and Orange. White ice. This is what HDTV was made for. Too bad I don't have one. Guess I'll have to hit the bar for this.

#7 NBA Finals: I'll watch, but unless the Suns advance, I'm rooting for an Earthquake to swallow LA and Boston simultaneously. Yep, I'm willing to risk my life in a floating California afterworld in exchange for these two teams dying.


#8 Tebow: Will he circumcise his fellow rookies? Will he throw a ball out of Dove Valley all the way to Colorado Springs? Will he continue to throw like a gay? Find out on 9News at 10.

#9 Me: I'll bounce into Colorado (Front Range) June 5-11, Ohio June 24-28 (or something), hopefully The Dale for Mountain Fair (late July for those fags unaware), Vegas or Powell (or both) around August 20, probably Denver for CSU-Cunty U in Sept and maybe a trip to NY in the fall. I love me some me, and if I continue to work 60 hours a week like this I might as well spend my cash money millions on myself. Also, some of you queers should come visit the beach whilst I live here. How often do you get a free place on the beach?

Good times and fruit salad,

-Sack

JESUS PLAYS FOR BRONCOS NOW: Or how I stopped hating and learned to love the Tebow-Jesus

Tim Tebow banged this chick, but in a way only

someone so Christian can do. She did not abort the baby,

instead Tim Tebow's seed aborted her. Thus she never existed

to tempt the man-God that is Tim Tebow.

Still sans computer, I have been away for a few weeks. But fortunately not much has happened in the sports world since then.

OH, except everything. But reacting to Tebow is most important.

And apparently based on what I wrote below, I have picked back up the Peyote habit. Enjoy:

I remember having a facebook discussion with my boy Kevan (who penned this lovely Super Bowl preview) last fall about the possibility of the Broncos selecting Tim Tebow, as I kind of laughed it off as a worst-case scenario. But as the draft approached I just kept feeling it in my soul that McDaniels was going to pick Tebow, probably the college football player I have hated more than any other college football player* since Chris Simms (also, of course, a Bronco last year). [This excludes players at that shithole in Boulder, I hate them all so much more. Especially Scotty McKnight. May the dementia from this hit set in ASAP]

Tebow is the apex of the ESPN-overhype machine, just rammed down your throat constantly as a "great leader" and "such an amazing person." Which is cool, but I don't need to be reminded of this every six seconds. So every time Tebow's name was mentioned I grew to hate him just a little more, just like BrettFarverer. And since he was mentioned a approx. twenty-gagillion times, my level of anti-Tebow hatred was so thick it was being used as food in several third-world countries (like Oklahoma).

In the days before the draft I was so angry that I declared my intentions to file fan free agency papers if/when the Broncos took Tebow. And I followed through on this promise. For about a day I was no longer a Broncos fan. I was seriously questioning if I even wanted to be a fan of an NFL team, or if I just wanted to cheer for ex-CSU guys and just start following the NFL as a fan of the game, not a particular team. The Broncos, and pro football, over the course of the last decade had left me that jaded.


But now, a week later, I am a Tebow fan. How, you ask? Well let me tell you:


I turned to meditation to lead me to the light. I ate only Orange Crush and sniffed blue Kool-Aid for seven days whilst reading all of the Denver Broncos Scriptures, and in my delirious haze I was blessed with a vision.


At first it was terrible, as I was surrounded with NFL-demons vying for my football soul, trying to snatch my two blessed Lombardi trophies away. Marmalard de Float, Cutler of Douche, the soulless Al Davis and the most evil Schottenhiemer, and more, were tearing at me. Then, Elway-God, atop his magical horse, the Sharpest of Shannon, descended from the Gates of Mile High vanquishing Cleveland Browns and Oakland Raiders alike with lightning bolts flung from his right hand. He slew defenders of every NFL team out to get me.


Only one foe remained, an opponent that was almost an exact copy of Elway-God, but warped like a fun house mirror reflection. It was wearing blue and orange. It was striking in it's prototypical NFL quarterback look. But instead of Super Bowl trophies like the Elway-God, it held two NCAA Trophies, was left handed and wore #15. Yes, Tebow stood in to face Elway-God.


It appeared the two would have to fight to the death, for only one could hold my devotion whilst the other must perish. One human can only worship one being. They clashed, but suddenly from within the Tebow shouts rang out proclaiming him "the greatest leader since Ghengis Kahn" and "the best person to walk the Earth." An army of prognosticators and football experts came charging out of him, attacking the Elway-God. It seemed that there was no hope, but at the last moment the Elway-God reached deep into his bag of tricks, scrambled from the pocket and unleashed a 70-yard throw across the field to a wide-open Marc Jackson, saving the day.

He then turned to the Tebow and said, "You will never have the arm to do such a thing. Your release takes far too long."

And with that the Tebow's supporters suddenly turned on him, attacking his every flaw. "Never be an NFL QB." "Drafted too soon." "Another McMistake." "Dan LeFavor is better." They screamed and mocked. They tore him to bits, until the giant Tebow beast was devastated beyond recognition.

Humbled, I approached Elway-God with the withered corpse of the Tebow, and apologized for my wavering belief in the one divine Elway.

He turned to me, gave me his big-toothed smile, and said, "It is never to late to mount a comeback."

And with that, he placed his hand on Tebow, sending a surge of light and life into his body.

The Elway-God then spoke: "The Tebow has been cast down, beaten. He has had his own people torment him. But now he will become the chosen quarterback to lead fourth-quarter comebacks. For his entire career will be a comeback.

"I know dub thee, Tebow-Jesus. He shall lead your Broncos and chop the tip of your dick off."

And that, my friends, is how I came to be a fan of the Tebow-Jesus.


(It was either that, or I watched a a replay of the draft and decided that Tebow was so genuinely happy to play for us that I couldn't be mad anymore. Whichever story you prefer...)