US-Slovenia Retro Live Blog: Holy comeback & FUCK MALI

Each day of the World Cup I will give you a quick, dirty preview and recap of the teams and games each day. I will base all of this information on FIFA 10 and stereotypes. And irrational hatred. Because that is what soccer is all about. Well, that and the whole rioting thing.

USA 3, Slovenia 2, Fucktarded Ref From Mali 1: I was so angry about the events in this game that I decided I must go through the entire game and post my thoughts, sorry this could be a little long.

6:45 AM: Sack awakes from semi-drunken slumber. Attempts to sort out why he is awake so early again.

7:00 AM: I finally get up after mashing snooze and turn on TV to see the kickoff. Holy shit, they really don't dick around with these times. Unlike MLB and NFL where a 7 o'clock game means about 9:45.


1' (Switching to soccer time from here on out): Just 15 seconds in and Dempsey throws a bow right into some douchy roundface's round face. Somehow doesn't get carded. Apparently also using all the good will this ref would allow the US.

2' I arrive at the bar down the block as the second customer, the only one who actually seems intent on watching the game. The old lady named Carol tending the bar looks very confused when I order a Coors Light. "I usually only serve coffee this early." And I'm usually sleeping, but when America needs me, dammit, I will heed her call to drink.

5' Bradley feeds a nice ball to Findley, who makes a bad touch and can't get a cross in. We luckily get a corner, but Donovan uses the occasion to try to break the ankles of the Slovenian at the near post. Get it up, son.

13' I speculate to myself, "Hey, at least we are almost through the first 15' without giving up a goal, great star...Son of a whore."

The entire US defense decides to watch as Birsa recieves a pass, takes a couple touches, stutter steps, licks his finger to check the wind, read a scouting report on Tim Howard's defense and jerks off before lacing one in the goal. A nice hit, but not so nice that no one did a thing. Oneywu just stood there, no midfielder tracked back, even Howard failed to give it the courtesy dive. What the fuck, fuckos?

15' US gets a set piece and Donovan barely misses a couple heads in the box. It becomes apparent that the Slovenians can't cover the US in these situations.

23' Onyewu lets the tall, Willard looking motherfucker run free on a long ball into the box. A number of old guys have shown up at the bar and they are all drinking coffee. Fuck me, I guess it isn't 5 o'clock here.

35' Altidore earns a free kick just outside the 18. Torres laces one to the corner off the free kick and nearly catches the keeper napping. Donovan also just misses flicking it in. On the following corner DeMerrit comes flying in and almost buries a splendid header. The old sitting next to me decides he is in a bar after all and makes his coffee a "nutty irishman" by adding Jameson or something. Fuck yeah!

39' Donovan with a great tackle that frees Findley, who proceedes to fuck up a 4-3 advantage by playing a weak cross that would embarrass a 7-year old. Donovan punishes Findley by playing the following corner directly off his face, and the ref decides this is clearly a handball. All in all a spectacular sequence.

Findley gets a yellow and a golden chance for the US is wiped away for no apparent reason. Ian Darke calls it "maybe the stupidest decision" he has ever seen.

Seconds later the US nearly equalizes again, with a very pretty combination run, but Dempsey cross is just not enough to get over to Donovan. As always, when you have this many chances and can't score...

42' Ljubiajankic is barely onside as Onyewu is slow to step and he beats Howard, who doesn't take the best of angles. The Slovenians then do some gay little dance which can best be described as the "Fork in the Garbage Disposal" Dance. It is really, really gay, even for faggy Euros.

HALFTIME: After throwing my hat across the bar in disgust I decide a change of venue is needed, along with a change of drink. I head home and tweet:

"For luck all USA fans need to shotgun a nice warm American beer. It may no help, but at leas we will be drunk #shotgunfortheusa"

Then add:  

I've switched to drinking busch and left the bar to scream swears freely at my house. #shotgunfortheusa

Additionally, Bob Bradley subs in Edu (not Freddy, but the good one, the one some people call Maurice woop, woo) and Feilhaber. I also bet he chewed some ass. It worked.


48' Cherundolo plays a nice ball over the top, misplayed a bit by the Slovokian defender, and Donovan goes in and just buries one with almost no angle. It seemed he was looking to cross for a while, and the keeper Handanovic was thinking likewise, until he ran out of time and roofed it, actually causing the goalie to flinch away from the shot. Terrible keeping there, but a great shot and a great willpower goal. Donovan was not to be denied.

 What a silly, little faggot!

I can only assume at this point I woke my neighbors, by jumping screaming and running out to my "patio" to shotgun another Busch Light.


50' We almost equalize, but Dempsey barely flicks it and Gooch is a step slow (this, it seems, is a pattern).


Darke tells us that this is the same field where Brazil came back to beat the US 3-2 last year. Good karma.


69' Schuller pulls down Altidore and is very lucky to recieve a yellow. US gets a PK from just outside the box. On the set piece Altidore finds a loose ball in the box and his turn-around shot from the penalty spot has eyes only for Handanovic's chest.

Around this moment I tweet: "This ref is fucking garbage." 


80' Gomez comes in for Onyewu, finally. Seconds later Bradley is turned away on an ambitious shot by Handanovic. The US has tilted the field but is quickly running out of time.


82' Donovan a long pass, Altidore stands tall and heads the ball down, Gomez's run occupies Cesar the central defender. It leaves Bradley all alone vs. Handanovic and he one-touch volleys the ball in for the tie. Even though I was all alone, there was pandemonium in the Sack household. Chairs were tipped over and beer thrown. What a glorious moment! Nepotism FTT (for the tie)


85' After the Slovenians threaten a little, Altidore draws a foul outside the 18. Donovan swerves in a beautiful ball, Edu is uncovered in the middle with Dempsey right behind him as he buries the cross. The US has completed a monumental comeback and is minutes from stealing one of the most improbable wins in World Cup history.

Except, youknow, the fact that the US was called for a foul. Which is obvious in this picture:

I mean look at all those calls that should have gone against the US. Look at Bradley using the highly illegal piggyback move...smh

or this video


Fuck this motherfucking motherfucker. Fuck Mali as a country, people and motherfucking record label /Tupac.


And then there is this asshole:

Slovenian defender Marko Suler was adamant the referee had made the correct decision to disallow Edu’s goal and accused the Americans of roughhouse tactics.

“They were pushing and holding all the time,” Suler said. “You could see it was a foul and it was the correct decision. They did not deserve to win the game. It would not have been the correct result. We were the better team.”

Really? The better team that should have lost 3-2. As the US had more shots, possesion, corners and was robbed of at least one goal, you guys were clearly better. Plus you cunts were the team with 4 cards, we got one for getting hit in the face with the ball. Clearly WE were pushing and holding all game. FUCK OFF. Roundface.

88' Slovenia gets a chance that they douche up and then the US D again falls asleep and allows a great chance for the EuroFucks. If they had scored at this point I would have flown to Mali and committed genocide. I even tweeted:

"I hope that Obama bombs the Mali village this cunt ref lives in. #Fuckmali

 I am Sack, and I approve this message.

90' Gomez gets called for a weak foul, but he would've missed anyway.

90'+ The Ref can't even figure out how to effectively end the match. What a fucking twat!

The South African coverage said they were embarrassed for their continent supplying third-rate refs. Dwam!

And at this point the US was totally screwed. England would beat Algeria, causing the US to trail both England and Slovenia in the standing, but...

England nil, Algeria nil: The English prove yet again that they love nothing more than to disappoint their own fans. Good job, eh. Now the US controls our own destiny (manifest destiny?) but it is clear that Algeria will be very tough.


Bosnia 1, Germany nil: The ref in this one set the bar that Koman Fuckface lept over. 9 cards, including booking Klose in the first half. Stupid. What a great day for FIFA refs.

World Cup Day 8 Preview: The best excuse for 7AM Drinking Evar!

Each day of the World Cup I will give you a quick and dirty preview of the teams that will play each day. I will base all of this information on FIFA 10 and stereotypes. And irrational hatred. Because that is what soccer is all about. Well, that and the whole rioting thing.

America, AMERICA, FUCKING 'MERICA vs. Slovenia: Everyone is saying this is a must win, but the US can really afford to tie this one and make Lance Moorman's day. We all know he loves a tie.

*Aside: Lance, I know you would like the "The most hyped USA event of the last 6 months" to have a winner, but unfortunately America and ESPN don't run the World Cup (you know, unlike how ESPN runs the BCS and Stern rigs the NBA). We have to play by the rules, and basically this is a "regular season" game as far as the World Cup goes. There will be no ties in the next round aka the playoffs. Instead there will be PKs, and those are fucking gayer than a tie. Again, I'll expand on this further late in the tournament. 


And yes, pretty much we did "tie" the Revolutionary War. The British were by all accounts winning, actually, but got sick of fighting and the US had to have France back us in order to guarantee their surrender. Really I'm glad this time we settled at even with England rather than have to send for Thierry Henry and Abidal to come help the US.


As far as I see it, England will not lose to the Slovenians and will probably beat them, so the US needs at least a result in this one to stay alive and then a dub vs. Algeria. BUT, a win basically guarantees us through to the round of 16.  So let's get it.

I don't know much about Slovenia, Slovakia or the Czech Republic, but I know that a lot of my favorite pornstars are from that region, so I know these Round Faced Boskurs (I actually found some  slurs for Slovenians, bless the interweb. It isn't really racist because all these slurs could be used against me, right?)  are eager to be fucked by the long dick of America. Give it to 'em boys.

And when you are celebrating the US success, don't forget to jam some Duece aka Clint Dempsey, along with HAWK (may he RIP):




England vs. Algeria: While in some ways it would be nice to see the Brits choke in this game so that they struggle to advance, it would also be nice to see them win big so that Algeria are totally eliminated by the time the US plays them. Also, since we are so proud of our tie I don't want it to be solely because the Brits suck, I want it to be because the US is finally good. Really, I hope the English rip on the Algerian's mothers so much that each and everyone of them headbutts an Englishman and gets a red card so that they have to forfeit vs. the US.


Germany vs. Serbia: The Serbians have their backs up against the wall, and you know what a Serb does in that situation? Probably resorts to Genocide, as that is all they really know. Guess what the Germans specialize in? Yeah. But the Germans are much more effective at it, even if they have been out of training for about 70 years. Still, I think Klose and Ballack know what to do. I mean, I assume this song is  about the thousands of Gyspies that Lukas Podolski has slayed.




Argentina 4, South Korea 1: Messi killed it in this one. And some lucky asshole named Higuan scored the easiest hat trick in the history of hat tricks. Not one more than five yards from the goal. South Korea tried, but they just couldn't compete.

I love that the media is suddenly saying that Marradonna is doing good because Argentina advanced. Like his team had a chance of failing at all, shit South Korea, Greece and Nigeria do not even belong in the same league. Let's wait until round 2 when he inserts himself into the starting lineup or tries to organize a military coup of Swaziland before calling him a great coach.

Greece 2, Nigeria 1: God damn, this is soccer and using your feet is reccomended, but no need to kick a man in the leg. And AN ACADEMY AWARD to that Greek asshole for falling like he had been shot. This theatrics is one of my many items on Sack's list to fix soccer, which I will break out later in the tournament.


Mexico 2, France Nil: Look, I hate the French as much as the next man (unless that man is old, because old men hate the French way more than I ever can, something about having to storm Normandy to save those Faguettes), but man they got did wronged. And by Mexican'ts at that.

Goal numero uno was offside, goal number dos was justified, but it still was a bit of a dive. Congrats to old man Blanco on the goal though. I really have a soft spot for that guy. Might hire him to be my gardener when all is said and done.


Bonus: Allegedly something happened with some Mexican based basketball team beating the Irish. Los Angeles beat Celtic. Who gives a shit? Not this guy.

World Cup Day 7 Preview: Awww, I already made fun of these teams.

Each day of the World Cup I will give you a quick and dirty preview of the teams that will play each day. I will base all of this information on FIFA 10 and stereotypes. And irrational hatred. Because that is what soccer is all about. Well, that and the whole rioting thing.

Argentina vs. South Korea: Our first match-up of teams who both won their first contest. If either team wins they guarantee a berth into the second round. I'll wager you that Argentina is said team. The Good Koreans are feisty, but they don't have enough talent to hang with Messi and the boys for too long.

Greece vs. Nigeria: Both teams will be desperate for a point at least, so the potential for both to bunker in like bitches is high, especially if Argentina deposes of South Korea. The Greeks probably need to get a win more in this match, already having lost to the Koreans and with Argentina looming in game three. Hopefully they come out attacking and Nigeria responds in kind. Both these teams are screwed if Korea somehow pulls out a point vs. Argentina.

France vs. Mexico: CINCO DE MAYO REDUX. Yes, I hate both these places with a passion, but I missed out on Cinco de Mayo for work and I shall make tomorrow my own personal Cinco de Drinko. Every time I hear a Vuvuzela I will take a drink.


But man do I love Mexico's national anthem!

Day 6 recap
Chile 1, Honduras 0: Honduras was just outclassed and somehow only lost by 1. Should have been more but great goalkeeping and some poor Chilean finishes kept it close. Love me some Chilean Sea Bass.

Switzerland 1, Spain Nil: Shocker of the tournament. My boy Torres didn't start, neither did Fabregas as Spain was maybe a little overconfident. The Swiss scored an ugly ass goal and almost added another in transition later. The Swiss used the same strategy as the US did during our big upset of Spain last season and this game was almost a carbon copy.

The Spanish are a bit too focused on making the perfect play and they don't have a lot of size, so by forcing them to the outside you can frustrate them. They refused to attempt to cross in the ball for much of the contest and seemingly refused to swing any corner into the box. Yes they dominated possession, but if that possession is not threatening it is worthless.

Still, I wouldn't bet against the Red Fury storming back to win their final two matches, as neither Chile nor Honduras are exactly world beaters .


Uruguay 3, South Africa Nil: Shove that in your Vuvuzela! Forlan knocked in a couple as South Africa was outclassed. This certainly makes the Mexico-France matchup huge for those two, as Uruguay is now in the driver's seat with 4 points and a +3 differential.

World Cup Day 6 Preview & Day 5 recap

Each day of the World Cup I will give you a quick and dirty preview of the teams that will play each day. I will base all of this information on FIFA 10 and stereotypes. And irrational hatred. Because that is what soccer is all about. Well, that and the whole rioting thing.

Honduras vs. Chile: Those Hondurans owe their existence in this World Cup to the US. When we scored two late goals to tie Costa Rica, we bumped Hondo into the Cup and forced Costa Rica into a playoff against one of the Guays. Being a fellow CONCACAF team, we gotta respect Hondo, but man do I love Chile. Especially green chile. Mmmmm Green Chile /Homer


This game is a tale of two Suazos, as Humberto Suazo, the leading scorer in the CONMEBOL (i.e. South America) region returns for Chile, while David Suazo, the Honduran forward will miss the game. Another costly injury for the Hondruas is to their other leading goal scorer Carlos Costly (see the pun in that sentence?).

Leading Chile is wonder-kin Alexis Sanchez. He is really good, and allegedly 21, but knowing those tricky Latins, probably like 47.



Spain vs. Switzerland: Come ye and bathe in the glory that is Fernando Torres. El Nino is simply put the best. Fuck what I said yesterday bout Drogs and Ronaldo, or what you've heard about Messi, they can suck a dick. Torres, when healthy, is the shit.



But since he is just returning from injury, he might not even start for Spain. Yeah, they are that loaded. If you watch a bit of futbol or play FIFA, you will recognize the Spanish stars; Fabergas, David Silva, David Villa, Iniesta, Xavi, Xabi Alonso, Sergio Ramos, Puyol, Pique. Shit, this team is so deep that Pepe Reina is backup Iker Casillas and would probably start for every other team in the Cup.

And yet somehow they lost to the US last year. Which is why they are not prohibitive favorites, because Spain has a bigger history of choking than even England. Or maybe had, as this group won the Euro Cup in 2008, breaking a half-century title drought in the process.

They should stomp everyone in this group, especially the Swiss, we better enter this battle with their knives and watches if they want any chance. Oh, and their best player may be injured. They are so fucking fuct.

South Africa vs. Uraguay: Onto the second slate of group play matches. This one will be pretty important, as every team in Group A is tied after their first match. The Bafana Bafana will be buzzin their Vuvuzelas on some important South African holiday, so basically Uraguay is uber-fucked by karma here. Still, Diego Forlan loves to kick people in the teeth with bigtime goals and UR-A-Gay loves to play collapsing, defensive soccer, so they may be able to frustrate the hosts and steal this one.

I hope that South Africa jumps up early and forces Uraguay to chase the game, opening up the field for a much needed fast-paced game.


Recap
New Zealand 1, Slovakia 1: A pretty boring match for much of it, but it got real fun at the end. Winston Ried sucked and failed to defend on Vittek's goal, then, just in the nick time he went and totally fucking redeemed himself. Guess what? We now have two groups where all teams tied their first games. In this, even more impressive, all scored one goal. Maybe Lance Moorman is right.

Aside: He is not. In a game that lasts 90 minutes, players don't have much left in the tank to play more, especially when they will play again in 5 days. You can't have overtime in the first round and shootouts are really just a crap shoot (I'll have more on this later in the Cup). It is too big of a punishment to fall three points behind your opponent after you played them evenly for a full game.

Teams will settle for a tie in the first round, especially the first game, and though it sucks at the time, it really sets up for much greater drama in the final games in the group stage. By the time we get to the final matches of the group stage the two games are played simultaneously, so things get fucking hectic. Imagine every team in Group F going into the last game all-square on points and goal differential. Think that wouldn't be crazy, with every goal not only impacting that game, but another game going on across the country. Crazy awesomeness.

This happens all the time, where (hypothetically) the US is tied 0-0 with Slovenia and just needs to keep the match tied in order to advance, because England is beating Algeria 1-0. But suddenly in the '88 Algeria scores. The US hears about this from text message or something, and suddenly they have to crank up their attack in order to pull out the win to advance. Glorious sports bar theater right there.

That shit doesn't happen without the option of ties.

Portugal vs. Ivory Coast (Nil-Nil): A boring first half, only stimulated by cock-tease Ronaldo jamming on off the post and falling down when breathed upon. A much more entertaining second still saw no goals, as Drogs cunted up a late chance after heroically coming on as a sub.

Brasil 2, Communist Korea 1: North Korea bunkered in like they did during the Korean War and it took Brazil over a half to figure them out. Finally, Maicon scored from no-angle, a stunning goal that yet again I'm sure I could have stopped. Brazil added another, and then just let some little Korean zip on through for the easiest goal of the tournament. Not sure what that was all about. Didn't really matter, but it shows there is a chink in the mighty Brazil armor, which perhaps Ronaldo and Drogba may be able to go as well.

*Bonus: Did you notice I used both chink and zip in that recap, with neither in a racist manner. Aren't you proud?

World Cup Day 4 Recap and Day 5 Preview

Each day of the World Cup I will give you a quick and dirty preview of the teams that will play each day. I will base all of this information on FIFA 10 and stereotypes. And irrational hatred. Because that is what soccer is all about. Well, that and the whole rioting thing.

At the last minute yesterday I was dragged to a work afterparty and proceeded to do what I do best, get ignant and break stuff. In the aftermath I was unable to preview today's matches. My bad. I will try to do better, but as long as there is alcohol to be consumed, I will attempt to drink it. I apologize.

On to the real action:
Netherlands 2, Denmark 0: I was unaware that these were different countries. Joking.

The Freaky Deeky Dutch won this one 2-nil. Well, the Dutch only scored once, a typical ugly-ass Dirk Kuyt goal, and Denmark was kind enough to give their neighbors an own goal.

Seriously, Kuyt never scores on rippers or through balls, he just manages to find the ball setting next to the net and usually he scores while falling on his ass. World class strikers are like artists (Drogba is like Sarat, beautiful from afar but flawed up close) and that makes Kuyt like Pollock. Splatter everywhere but somehow it works. Unfortunately this doesn't translate to FIFA, so I bench his bitch ass every game. Hustle does not translate to videogame avatars

I just love Holland's awesome Day-glo orange jerseys, even if they wear them for some random ass reason. Those babies are sweet. And handy to be wearing if drunk, lost and wandering down an interstate.


Japan 1, Cameroon 0: Tentacle-rape porn defeats Lion mauling 1-nil. (You can bet your ass I'm gonna keep writing nil instead of 0. But there is no fucking way I will spell out 0. Four letters is too many). Kaz Matsui laced in a cross to E. Honda who deftly slipped it by Cameroon's goalie Holyshitthatsalongname (actually it is Souleymanou Hamidou, and I'm just guessing on those Jap's names).

Mbia later let loose a fucking rocket for the Cameron Crazies and damn near broke the cross bar, further proving how an inch or two can alter a game. Now, Cameroon is FUCT and Japan is so happy they could shit.

We should have seen this coming, with Japan's hatred of sea creatures (FUCK-A YOU, Dolf-Feen), it makes sense they would love to slaughter endangered creatures like Les Lions Indomptables.

Italy 1, Paraguay 1: Sheeet, I blew all of my gay jokes on Ura-gay. First there was one, now there are a pair of them. Holy shit, the Guays are procreating.

Sorry, that got out of hand. Well, root for a Pairofguays or the filthy fucking I-tais, whose entire team is gay. Italy's national team is dubbed the Azzurri, because they prefer to wear all blue. Which makes sense, since blue is not one of the three colors on their flag. Maybe they were sick of everyone confusing them for Mexicans, who have the same colors on their flag but decided to wear black jerseys vs. South Africa. And we just discussed Holland's Orange. Shit, the rest of the World is fucking retarded when it comes to colors.

Sidenote: The USA doesn't wear red because some dumbass was very anti-Russia and never wanted us to look like Pinko/Commies. I guess we are retarded too.

Anyway, Paraguay almost upset the reigning World Champs, but had to settle for a draw, which still pissed in the Italian's lasagna. They should have gotten the W, but another goaltender error (or Howler, as the Brits call them) allowed Italy to tie. I was a goalie in high school, and let me tell you something, if I was born in England my British ass would have just beat the USA 1-nil. Good for you I am 'Merican. They used to call me The Wall. God I miss those days /cries into letter jacket

This was a typical Italian game; ugly, defensive, full of embellishment (i.e. dives), hairy WOPs and determined to end in a tie. Basically, everything everyone hates about soccer is what Italy prides themselves on. I watched highlights of this game and they were boring. UGGGLLLYYYY. And they stole Giuseppe Rossi from us and then left him off the roster. FUCK YOU, Italy.

And if you needed any further reason to cheer against Italy, check out the Pairoffunbags on this chica. Paraguayyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TOMORROW:
Slovakia vs. New Zealand: Slovakia and Slovenia both advanced here, that is confusing. In addition to sucking at colors, you Eurofags suck at names, these are way too close. When Czechoslovakia broke up really you bags should have really tried to differentiate yourselves. Like Kazakhstan did. Just by coming up with that awesome name they became Borat's home.

Anyway, onto the actual analysis: Both these teams suck.

New Zealand gets in on the basis that they can field a team, as I assume their main opponents in the Pacific are Fiji and Pygmy Land. Slovakia has the esteemed Martin Skertel, who is awesome for Liverpool in FIFA and it is just fun to scream SKERTEL in random situations, especially right when you ejaculate. I suggest you try it.

New Zealand's team is called the All-Whites, so I assume they will be very popular with various factions of racist ass South Africa. And they pretty much are an all-white team.I really hope the blacks in South Africa cheer against them just because of this name. And rape them.

Like the All-Blacks of rugby, they perform the HAKA war dance. It used to be cool, but then BYU did it. Once a Morman learns a dance it loses all intimidation.

This is the worst game of the Cup not featuring Italy, sleep through it.

Ivory Coast vs. Portugal: DO NOT SLEEP THROUGH THIS GAME! This might be the best game of the first slate of games. Ronaldo vs. Dorgba. Hair Gel vs. Soul Glo. Glamor Model vs. Shrek.




Sidenote: That may be the best techno song I have ever heard. Signs I've been working in a bar too long, I'm beginning to appreciate techno. LET'S TAKE E AND FUCK EACH OTHER IN OUR NOSES!


Cristiano is so good he stole the Ronaldo solomente name from Chubby Ronaldo. Who is not to be confused with sometime chubby Ronaldinho. Plus he loves him some whores. Like 10 at a time. Gotta respect that.


Drogba is straight G. Celebrating goals with mock machine gun massacres (2nd goal in video), bitching constantly and generally behaving like an NBA diva. He is like Kobe, minus the rape. I fell in love with Drogs in FIFA. He is so fast and posses such a rocket that Chelsea became my team. But then I met Fernando and realized Chelsea is like the Yankees on crack, so I bailed. He is so good, my fairly racist roommate who hated soccer fell in love with Drogba. That is talent.


The bummer is that Drogba might not play due to a broken elbow, mostly because he could use the cast as a weapon and I'm pretty sure South Africa still has rules about blacks carrying weapons.


Both these teams are fucking stacked, Portugal a little more so, so I expect a nil-nil tie, naturally.


Brazil vs. Communist Korea: The fuck, I didn't know these assholes were able to field a team, let alone on good enough to make the world cup. Still, they will be real Rone-ry at the bottom of group E, aka THE GROUP OF DEATH.


Congrats Fighting Kim-Jung Ill's, you made the World Cup and now you get....(drum roll)... FUCKED IN THE ASS. Seriously, they are going to be the punching bags for three games. Especially with goal differential likely to be crucial in this group, I expect Brazil, Portugal and Ivory Coast to put a as many goals as possible. I bet Ronaldo scores one goal for each of his five hookers.


For Brazil, Kaka will likely take a shit on Korea today (poop joke, holler!), but I expect it will be Luis Fabiana who gets at least a brace today (2 goals).


Good times shall be had by all. I'll check back in tomorrow with previews and a rebuttle of Lance Moorman's hatred of ties. Reader participation is what makes a blog.

World Cup Preview: Day 3

Each day of the World Cup I will give you a quick and dirty preview of the teams that will play each day. I will base all of this information on FIFA 10 and stereotypes. And irrational hatred. Because that is what soccer is all about. Well, that and the whole rioting thing.

Slovenia vs. Algeria: I recognize one player from each of these teams. My heritage connects me much more towards the Slovenly boys, but the fact that Algeria loses all of its best players to France gives them a soft spot in my heart. And as a USA fan, we should probably cheer for a draw, rife with cards. Both teams have played the David role to get to the tournament, upsetting Russia and Egypt respectively to qualify, hopefully this trend does not continue vs. the USA. 

Serbia vs. Ghana: I am Croation (in part), so fuck Serbia. The Ghanarians beat the US to eliminate us from the last World Cup, so fuck them. Serbian defender Nevan Subotic was on US National Teams as a youth, but after a dickbag coach left him out in the cold for the US U-20 squad, he acted like a bigger dickbag and decided to play for Serbia instead. So fuck him. Ghana has Michael Essien, he is pretty awesome. Ghanaria FTW.

Germany vs. Australia: I think it is really hard for anyone to really hate Australia, those lovable Foster-swilling criminals from Down-Undah. Germany is very easy to hate. BUT, I am part German and will be watching all their matches will my new German friends. So the better Germany does, the more free drinks I should receive. LETS GO NAZILAND.

Germany is always a traditional power and features big, athletic, physical strikers like Miroslav Klose, Gomez and Mueller. Plus, they have maybe the most awesomely named player of all time, Bastian Schweinsteiger. So fun to say.

Australia has Tim Cahill, whose name is Australian for header goal. The man is money on crosses and set pieces. Actually both sides are pretty money on set pieces, so we could have a goal-a-palooza on our hands (like 2-1).

World Cup Preview: Group B & 1/2 of C (Fuck Those Cunty English Twats)

Each day of the World Cup I will give you a quick and dirty preview of the teams that will play each day. I will base all of this information on FIFA 10 and stereotypes. And irrational hatred. Because that is what soccer is all about. Well, that and the whole rioting thing.

FORWARD: I was on vacation in Colorado for the week and then got delayed by a tornado closure at DIA before going home. This kinda fucked my shit up. Sorry this is pretty short.

Korea: Southern, not Red Kim Jung Ill "Me So Ronery." Really into speed skating. One of their players in on Manchester United. US tied them in 2002. They can go fuck off for losing that war to the US in the 60s. I predict they will score early in the match vs. Greece.

Greece: They won the Euro Cup in 2004, shocking the world. They play booorrrring ass soccer, and that is really saying something. They like it in the ass.

Argentina: Diego Maradona is batshit insane and told reporters to "suck his dick" after Argentina scraped by into the World Cup. Messi is the greatest player in the world, hands down, and if you disagree you are fucking stupid. If you have picked up a PS3 controller and played with any of the stud teams the names Milito, Tevez (ugliest man alive?), Mascherano, Rodriguez (Maxi Pad) and others will be instantly familiar. Too bad Maradona is coach and will probably kill Messi at some point while mainlining coke.

Nigeria: Always dangerous and athletic, the poor Nigerias haven't been the same since Steve Atwater killed Christian Okeye:


Group C: United States: I'm a big fan. Clint Dempsey is a sweet rapper. Jozy Altidore is supremely athletic and lacks polish. Landycakes Donovan has finally stepped up to play at the level that was expected. Everyone is hurt. Last time we played England in the World Cup we won 1-0 in 1950, then didn't win a World Cup game for about 44 years; You could say we blew our load.

England: Soccer equivalent of Chicago Cubs, but gayer. We beat them in the Revolutionary War, War of 1812, Civil War and both World Wars. Rooney is the star and player most likely to take the traditional "dumbass who gets booked and ruins the English tournament run."

-Sorry again this was weak, I'll try to post better recaps and previews once my brain returns to %30 function.

World Cup Preview: Group A

Each day of the World Cup I will give you a quick and dirty preview of the teams that will play each day. I will base all of this information on FIFA 10 and stereotypes. And irrational hatred. Because that is what soccer is all about. Well, that and the whole rioting thing.

South Africa: I've never been to South Africa, but the Power of One is my favorite book so I am pretty much an expert on this racist ass country. Also, because ESPN has been running promos and magazine features non-stop for the last 6 months about how sports helped overcome apartheid I am already sick of South Africa. But it makes sense to run those features before the cup, because South Africa sucks and will get molested all tournament long.  I know almost nothing about this team, because why would I play with South Africa in FIFA. I mean, shit, that is like playing as the Lions. Nope. I know that they kicked off their all-time leading scorer for being a fatty. I'm sure that will help their chances.

I'm certainly not cheering for any openly racist team. Fuck South Africa. What's that? The team is pretty much all black. Hmmm. I still bet that they don't like white people very much. All I know is the white people in SA are either English or German, and both can go suck a dick.

The real reason everyone should cheer against South Africa is the damn Vuvuzela. No, it is not a new form of apartheid, but it is the constant whining, buzzing sound that will make your eardrums bleed. The South African people love them, and just blow into them all game long. It is insufferable during any game, but especially so during SA games.

I wouldn't totally count them out, as I think Nelson Mandella is quite the assest on set pieces.

Mexico: Already having established that I don't like South Africa I must now reach a whole 'nother level of hatred to describe my dislike of these cunts. I can't even write how angry Mexican soccer make me. I hope they all die when their piece of shit Estadia Azteca falls apart. Preferably as they are hosting Costa Rica.

The worst are Mexican fans that live in America. Guess what assholes? You fled your shithole country to come here, quit supporting Blanco and his shithead teammates. We have a few Mexican-American athletes on our squad, we should have more if all the good Mexicans here didn't go back as soon as they got good. Putas.

The Mexican squad is always pretty damn good, especially in Mexico City, but as soon as they go on the road-o they forget-o how to win-o (You know I don't speak Spanish). Fortunately for them they have basically a bye against South Africa and struggling ass France in their group. They should advance. Old man Blanco and young buck Gio de los Santos are both capable of making things happen, and their fans like to vomit in cups and throw them at Landy-cakes (This is how queso/bean-dip was invented).

If you want to make their fans angry, just tell them about the time the US beat them in the 2002 World Cup. I suggest fashioning a yellow page vest prior to doing this, as you know the Mexican't is gonna go to town with his shiv.

France:  Oh good God, this is the group of Douche. These cheating, smelly, cowardly, cunty, ugly, stuck-up, cigarette-sucking, head-butting, ball-fondelers should not even be in this World Cup. It should be the awesomely drunk and entertaining Irish. But Henry (pronounced On-Ree) got away with a handball to score and elminate our red-haired, church bombing brothers. Sad.

Henry really isn't that bad of a guy, and he is crossing the pond soon to play in the US, so lay off him, mostly because their are so many more players on the French team to mock. Like Frank Ribery, who very much enjoys his underage whores. Or the fact that most French people are arrogant assholes, so they just invite hate.

Plus, almost all the players on the French team are born in other countries, like Algeria or Senegal or some other dickbag African country that France colonized and fucked up. They used to steal diamonds and gold from those countries, now they just steal people. AND THAT IS SLAVERY AND THAT IS WRONG.

Warning: Do not make comments about French people's mothers. They get all headbutty. Which is a strong example of why French people suck at fighting wars, because if you were really that mad at someone, why not hit them in the face?

Uruagay Uraguay: Thank God for the Guays. Man, I guess I do have a team to root for in this group of A-holes. Plus I get to make a lot of lame gay jokes. You know their biggest rival is Uralezbo. Harf harf.

Diego Forlan is an asshole to Liverpool, so I'm not a big fan of him, but if he sticks a few goals past the French of Mexis, I might be persuaded to appreciate him a bit more.

I couldn't even place the Gays on a map, but they wear baby blue, so Sack approves.

Tomorrow, group B aka AMMMMMEEERRRRIIIICCCCAAAAA, Twatty Cunts, and some other random countries.

Lazy Summer Days: Sack's Summer Sports Guide

I apologize sincerely for the lack of blogs lately, but the combination of 60 hour work weeks and no computer has seriously hamstrung your boy. But, thanks to my sister's roommates boyfriend-ish guy, my computer is alive, and soon I'll have me a pretty little Macbook as well, so I will have no excuse (save my epic laziness).

Still, it isn't like much has happened in the last few weeks. Yes, I still owe a Nuggs and Avs season recap, but we are in no rush for those, as both leagues are still in the midst of the playoffs. The Rockies are pretty much treading water lately, Tim Tebow has his own ESPN page so what really can I add and even Liverpool crapped out on me in the EPL. Lakers vs. Celtics is so gay (and 2000 & Late /gay Black Eyed Fergie), LeBron watch is almost as annoying as Favre watch and if I have to watch another Red Sox/Yankees game on ESPN I will cut out my own eyes.

So really there isn't any point even paying attention to sports right now? Enjoy the sunshine in San Diego and work hard to get ahead in life, that is the plan.

Hahashaha. Fuck that. Sacky Sack will always find some reasons to watch sports, so here is your summer viewing guide:


#1 The World Cup: I missed most of the Premier League season with no FSC (and I had no FIFA to help me cope), but it was pretty fucking weak. Torres was all hurted, Chelsea beat everyone senseless, every team is going fucking bankrupt or some shit. But none of that matters now, as every person in the world will have enough soccer (err, futbol) to entertain them for an entire month. Every day from June 11-on is equivalent to the Super Bowl for at least four countries. That is so badass.

I get a boner every time I think about it. The best part? That the games start at like 7AM Cali time each day, perfect for my schedule. Guess who is gonna do lots of morning drinking? This motherfucker, that's who.

I'll try to get out my own World Cup Preview soon, rife with stereotypes and incorrect assesments of teams based soley on my like/dislike of players in FIFA (For Example: Fuck the Godamn Czech Republic because of that helmet wearing cunt Petr Cech).

 #2 Ubaldo Jimenez: Like me, you may not have witnessed his no-no. Unlike me, you probably didn't happen to see him lose his only game (OH NOS I am bringing Edy/Kilometers level jinxers on my teams now. Too much Cali). But every time the U-Ball grabs the ball-o-twine greatness might explode from his hand. So at least once a week the Rocks are must see TV. Tune in, bitches.

#3 NBA Free Agency: Yes, I bitched about the Bron-Bron overkill, but what happens this summer is gonna be insane. And it will affect the Nuggs, even if they aren't directly involved. I mean, say LBJ ends up on the Clippers or Mavericks, suddenly WTF do the Nuggies do? Other than try to induce Texas into declaring war on the US and getting the Mavs axed from the league? We can't get past the Jazz flutes, how are we gonna get past Kobe, LBJ as well? Shit.

Even better what if, what if LBJ signs with the Wizards. Even sans Gil, Lebron plus Wall, McGee and Blatche is a frightening team. Most athletic team in history potential. Not saying, just saying.


#4 Always Sunny In Philly: Replays on Comedy Central. FTW bitches. I have watched way too much Scrubs on that channel, they needed something else. This will work great.

#5 MLB Quick Pitch: Remember when they showed highlights on Baseball Tonight or Sportscenter? No. Well watch the MLB Network's nightly show and enjoy pretty much every run from every game. If you aren't lucky enough to have FSN and the Rockies Double Play, this is the best you can get. Tivo'd nightly, for sure.

#6 Stanley Cup Finals: I hate Philly fans and teams. I'm not a big fan of Chi-Town teams and their constantly whining fanbases. Still, this should be a great match-up. If not just for the team colors. Black and Red vs. Black and Orange. White ice. This is what HDTV was made for. Too bad I don't have one. Guess I'll have to hit the bar for this.

#7 NBA Finals: I'll watch, but unless the Suns advance, I'm rooting for an Earthquake to swallow LA and Boston simultaneously. Yep, I'm willing to risk my life in a floating California afterworld in exchange for these two teams dying.


#8 Tebow: Will he circumcise his fellow rookies? Will he throw a ball out of Dove Valley all the way to Colorado Springs? Will he continue to throw like a gay? Find out on 9News at 10.

#9 Me: I'll bounce into Colorado (Front Range) June 5-11, Ohio June 24-28 (or something), hopefully The Dale for Mountain Fair (late July for those fags unaware), Vegas or Powell (or both) around August 20, probably Denver for CSU-Cunty U in Sept and maybe a trip to NY in the fall. I love me some me, and if I continue to work 60 hours a week like this I might as well spend my cash money millions on myself. Also, some of you queers should come visit the beach whilst I live here. How often do you get a free place on the beach?

Good times and fruit salad,

-Sack

JESUS PLAYS FOR BRONCOS NOW: Or how I stopped hating and learned to love the Tebow-Jesus

Tim Tebow banged this chick, but in a way only

someone so Christian can do. She did not abort the baby,

instead Tim Tebow's seed aborted her. Thus she never existed

to tempt the man-God that is Tim Tebow.

Still sans computer, I have been away for a few weeks. But fortunately not much has happened in the sports world since then.

OH, except everything. But reacting to Tebow is most important.

And apparently based on what I wrote below, I have picked back up the Peyote habit. Enjoy:

I remember having a facebook discussion with my boy Kevan (who penned this lovely Super Bowl preview) last fall about the possibility of the Broncos selecting Tim Tebow, as I kind of laughed it off as a worst-case scenario. But as the draft approached I just kept feeling it in my soul that McDaniels was going to pick Tebow, probably the college football player I have hated more than any other college football player* since Chris Simms (also, of course, a Bronco last year). [This excludes players at that shithole in Boulder, I hate them all so much more. Especially Scotty McKnight. May the dementia from this hit set in ASAP]

Tebow is the apex of the ESPN-overhype machine, just rammed down your throat constantly as a "great leader" and "such an amazing person." Which is cool, but I don't need to be reminded of this every six seconds. So every time Tebow's name was mentioned I grew to hate him just a little more, just like BrettFarverer. And since he was mentioned a approx. twenty-gagillion times, my level of anti-Tebow hatred was so thick it was being used as food in several third-world countries (like Oklahoma).

In the days before the draft I was so angry that I declared my intentions to file fan free agency papers if/when the Broncos took Tebow. And I followed through on this promise. For about a day I was no longer a Broncos fan. I was seriously questioning if I even wanted to be a fan of an NFL team, or if I just wanted to cheer for ex-CSU guys and just start following the NFL as a fan of the game, not a particular team. The Broncos, and pro football, over the course of the last decade had left me that jaded.


But now, a week later, I am a Tebow fan. How, you ask? Well let me tell you:


I turned to meditation to lead me to the light. I ate only Orange Crush and sniffed blue Kool-Aid for seven days whilst reading all of the Denver Broncos Scriptures, and in my delirious haze I was blessed with a vision.


At first it was terrible, as I was surrounded with NFL-demons vying for my football soul, trying to snatch my two blessed Lombardi trophies away. Marmalard de Float, Cutler of Douche, the soulless Al Davis and the most evil Schottenhiemer, and more, were tearing at me. Then, Elway-God, atop his magical horse, the Sharpest of Shannon, descended from the Gates of Mile High vanquishing Cleveland Browns and Oakland Raiders alike with lightning bolts flung from his right hand. He slew defenders of every NFL team out to get me.


Only one foe remained, an opponent that was almost an exact copy of Elway-God, but warped like a fun house mirror reflection. It was wearing blue and orange. It was striking in it's prototypical NFL quarterback look. But instead of Super Bowl trophies like the Elway-God, it held two NCAA Trophies, was left handed and wore #15. Yes, Tebow stood in to face Elway-God.


It appeared the two would have to fight to the death, for only one could hold my devotion whilst the other must perish. One human can only worship one being. They clashed, but suddenly from within the Tebow shouts rang out proclaiming him "the greatest leader since Ghengis Kahn" and "the best person to walk the Earth." An army of prognosticators and football experts came charging out of him, attacking the Elway-God. It seemed that there was no hope, but at the last moment the Elway-God reached deep into his bag of tricks, scrambled from the pocket and unleashed a 70-yard throw across the field to a wide-open Marc Jackson, saving the day.

He then turned to the Tebow and said, "You will never have the arm to do such a thing. Your release takes far too long."

And with that the Tebow's supporters suddenly turned on him, attacking his every flaw. "Never be an NFL QB." "Drafted too soon." "Another McMistake." "Dan LeFavor is better." They screamed and mocked. They tore him to bits, until the giant Tebow beast was devastated beyond recognition.

Humbled, I approached Elway-God with the withered corpse of the Tebow, and apologized for my wavering belief in the one divine Elway.

He turned to me, gave me his big-toothed smile, and said, "It is never to late to mount a comeback."

And with that, he placed his hand on Tebow, sending a surge of light and life into his body.

The Elway-God then spoke: "The Tebow has been cast down, beaten. He has had his own people torment him. But now he will become the chosen quarterback to lead fourth-quarter comebacks. For his entire career will be a comeback.

"I know dub thee, Tebow-Jesus. He shall lead your Broncos and chop the tip of your dick off."

And that, my friends, is how I came to be a fan of the Tebow-Jesus.


(It was either that, or I watched a a replay of the draft and decided that Tebow was so genuinely happy to play for us that I couldn't be mad anymore. Whichever story you prefer...)