Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 2, Episode 1

Father, forgive me, for it has been six fucking months since I last recapped a Jersey Shore Episode. Where has the time gone? There are tiny, 180-day old Guidos who haven't been able to read my snarky comments about drunken assholes I wish to emulate. Speaking of which, I am way more excited for the cast of Jersey Shore to tear up South Beach instead of LeBron Pippen and the Dwayne Wade All-Stars.

Amazingly, for all the fame that these Guids had, their 15 minutes may well be on the way out. Can season 2 capture the magic, the mystique, the herpes that season 1 contained? Will Miami feature as many whorey, whores as the Jer-Z Shore? (I say yes) Will the drama overtake the fun? Will RON-Ron kill someone? TUNE THE FUCK IN AND FIND OUT, FAGGLES!

My reason to blog (and therefore live) has returned. Hoooooo-ray!*

*Especially true because the Rockies blow ass right now.

World Cup Finale: Oranges vs. Tapas

After a month of futbol the world's biggest event finally comes to a close with a matchup of two awesome nations competing to take home their first World Cup Final. Both countries have always boosted plenty of talented teams, but neither have ever owned the soccer world. Both have been Euro champs, but tomorrow one of these nations will experience the ecstasy that comes with winning a World Cup. You know I am cheering for Espana (even though they are doing my boy Torres dirty), so I'll spare you a long-winded breakdown, but simply you can't cheer for the freaky-high Dutch. Unless you want a bj. (Shit, I might just cheer for Holland now.)

Anyway, I just wanted to take a quick look back at the highs and lows of the World Cup, from my perspective:

Yay: To the fucking Unites States. We advanced, something we needed to do. But it was the way we advanced that made the most difference. We were the most exciting team in the tournament. Drawing with the Englanders was huge for shit-talking purposes, those limey Bitches and got shit on us now. The Slovenia tie was thrilling and the anger over the disallowed goal showed just how invested the US was in this tournament. And then, just when all seemed lost, Donovan scored the biggest goal in US soccer history. FTMFW.

This was the first tournament where it was safe to say that the US was the better team in every match. Even against Ghana, we dominated possesion and in chances, we just didn't finish enough and...

Nay: To Central Defenders. Gooch, Demerit and Bocanegra were the weak spot in the US lineup and it was their inability to mark opposing strikers that forced the US to play from behind almost the entire tournament. A lot has been made of the missed chances by our forwards, but at least they were creating opportunities. Our defense was rarely tested and failed miserably almost every time we were. It is hard to blame Gooch too much since he was coming off injury and frustrating to think what could have been if he was healthy.

Yay: New Blood. Thankfully the Superpowers of the sport bowed out early. We have new blood in the final and a reclamation of past glory for Uruguay. No Brazil, no France, no Italy. Thank god. The most exciting games of the tourney involved were won in order by the US, Ghana and Uruguay. And that was supposed to be the weak side of the knock-out draw.

Nay: To non-stop Vuvuzela jokes. Jesus, we get it. They sound like bees. Now shut the fuck up and report on soccer. I don't care, the buzzing of the Vuvu is unique to South Africa and not even that obtrusive. Maybe if you were actually at the stadium, but on TV it was really weak. And it pissed off Rick Rielly, and anything that pisses off that cocksack is good with me.

Yay: Hidden stars. Diego Forlan, Michael Bradley, Sniejder and Gyan were the breakout stars of the cup. You could even toss in David Villa, since he is outshined by Torres. They played their best ball on the biggest stage, while a collection of stars shrunk like Mark McGwire's balls in the 90s.

Nay: To the flameouts. Rooney, Ronaldo, Drogba, Kaka, Ribery, (sadly, Torres) etc. So many big names pulled no-shows in this tourney. Proving that basing my predictions soley off of FIFA ranking is sometimes inaccurate.

Yay: To me. I said I was gonna post a lot about this tournament and for the most part I followed through. For once in my life. And, the two teams I cheered for (US & Spain) both had great success.

Nay: To my German friends. I watched almost every match with them and man were they pissed when Germany lost. You ever see a pissed off German? They all suddenly start looking a lot like Hitler. And they get really pissed when you bring up other famous German defeats, like those in WWI and WWII.

Yay: To the fact that I got drunk in the morning at least 15 times in the last month. Almost a personal record.

Nay: To the fact that I have to wait a whole month for the Premier League (and Bundesliga) to begin. At least the next month should be rife with transfers (and Rockies walk-offs).

Yay: To hot Spanish/Dutch girls celebrating tomorrow. (Need a buddy to celebrate with?)

Yay: To hot Spanish/Dutch girls crying tomorrow. (Need a shoulder to cry on?)

Either way, tomorrow should be good.

World Cup Semifinals Preview: Spain vs. Germany

Cheer for Spain. You are not a Nazi fuckhole, right?

World Cup Semifinals Preview: Netherlands vs. Uruguay

The Orange vs. the Sky Blue. That will look beautiful on your tv. Not mine, because my TV is tiny, but on those high def thingymawhoos. The Guays advanced in the most dramatic fashion in their previous match as the Ghanarians chocked away the match. Not to be outdone, the freaky, deakey Dutch came back from a halftime deficit to wax the beautiful Brazilians. Winner gets slaughtered by the Spanish or Nazis.

Why to root for Neverland? Think the Saints celebration of the Super Bowl was booze filled and wild? Well the drug-fueled orgies in Amsterdam would blow that. And suck it. Dry.

-Also, it is very impressive that the Dutch have come so far in this tournament while wearing wooden cleats. No wonder Sneijder gets so much power on those shots, ya.

-They like cheese. I like cheese too. And I like waffles. And Belgium beer. Like Fat Tire and 1554

-Fuck, the Dutch are pretty schweet.

-Bonus, when you look up famous dutch people at least 5 of the actors on the Wiki list are porn stars. See, stereotypes are true, the Dutch like VANDERSEXXX!


Why not to root for the Netherworlders? They let Hitler kill all the jews, including hide and seek all-star Anne Frank. Poor form.

-Jordan Van Der Sloot.



-Windmills also fucking blow.


Why to root for Uruguay? They have about as many people in their country as Colorado does, 3.4 million.

-Diego Forlan's beautiful flowing locks.

-The fact that Luis Saurez made the save of the World Cup.


Why root against Uruguay? You hate Mexicans, and they remind you of Mexicans.

-They tend to play pretty conservative and rarely play in high-scoring contests.

-If I can't find it on a map, I'm not a fan.

-Just the name of the country alone seems to insult me. I am not a Gay!


Who is Sack rooting for? I support the Guays. Forlan!

How To Improve The World Cup

I was in Ohio for a memorial service/massive amounts of Miller Light/Bud Light consumption for the past week, so I'm sorry that I couldn't post my World Cup recaps/previews. Really, it was probably a blessing in disguise since whatever horrible things I would have written in the moments following US are better left out of print. Since we have a couple of days off from the Copa and no more Merica to support, allow me to suggest some ways soccer can improve the game specifically to help engage a US audience.

First off, the US can't use rules in our leagues that make mockeries of the rules used in the rest of the world. The MLS-style shootout should teach us that, along with the way every American fan mocks Canadian football (rouge, seriously, gtfo). Still, there are many ways that futbol can be improved to help me and every American wnjoy it more. Some are simple rule tweaks that would affect every level of play a bit, while others would just take place in the top-level competitions.

Punish Dives More Fiercely: If a ref feels a player took a dive, give him a yellow. If he misses the call and it is obvious from video there was a dive, retroactively give yellow cards and/or suspend players. Right now there is really no punishment for "embellishment" so players just fall down as soon as they get in the box. They will still do it, but the threat of punishment should start to deter this crap.

If you need a stretcher, you sit: For at least 10 minutes. If you can make it off in under 30 seconds you can enter at the next dead ball. If you actually can't walk the 30 meters to the side/end line then you are too injured to continue playing and you must be checked out. 10 minutes later you can sub in again. Ghanaians wouldn't be rolling around on the ground for minutes at a time if they knew they would be shorthanded, you can bet they would play through the pain. Punch of flopping pussies.

Replay: You get one challenge per game. Only in actual World Cup games. You win it, you get another, you lose, no more challenges, so use them wisely. You can challenge offside, ball over the line or a dive in the box, BUT any call must face overwhelming evidence to overturn. Especially on the dives. If there is any contact, it stands, but this should take care of the times no one touches a player and they flounder like bitches.

This won't cripple the flow of the game any more than the constant injuries, that I just eliminated. Play will continue until the next stoppage, whereupon the replay will take place. If the call is overturned the game will revert back. Basically do this like hockey.

No PKS, play until you die: Sorry, but ending a World Cup w/ PKs is just weak. Like ending a football game with a FG kicking competition (oh wait, that is basically what we do, maybe football isn't God's gift to sports). Just keep playing until someone wins after 30 minutes. Maybe allow one substitution after 120 minutes and every 30 after. Think of the epic games that could result.

Add two more refs: For World Cup games at least, add two more refs, even if there sole job is just to watch each of the goal lines. I would prefer they assist the ref in making all calls, as there is no way that one guy can watch all 22 players. Pretty fucking simple change that would help everyone.

More defined system of stoppage time: Take the clock away from the ref and have someone actually counting the seconds wasted by argumentation and injuries. I'm sorry, but adding on just a minute or two for all the Ghanaian timewasting was pretty weak. Stop rewarding bullshit behavior. If someone wastes time, put it back on.

Make an American Striker who can score: Fucking Jozy and Findley blew so many chances in this tournament it makes me sick.

Holy Buttfucking Algeria: SUUCKKK ON OUR BALLLSSS

HOLY FUCKING DONOVAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you believe in Miracles? I don't believe what I just saw! Incredible! Holy buckeye! The band is on the field! Havlechek stole the ball! The Giants win the pennant! All those rolled into one just fucking happened!

Yep, clearly the big news of the day is LT raping some biatch!

NOPE NOPE NOPE!!!! IT is 'Merica beating some faux Frenchie at the last possible minute. The most exciting sporting moment since Matt Holliday didn't touch home plate (ironically, Donovan's celebratory headfirst slide was equally wide the of the corner flag).

Bring on the fucking Serbs, Ghanarians, Nazis or Aussie cunts, I couldn't care less. WE ARE A TEAM OF DESTINY. WE AH THA BEST EVAH!!!!

This is the greatest moment in the history of 'Merica, as far as I am concerned!

World Cup Day 13 Preview: Algerians are basically French

USA vs. Algeria: We best win. Win and we can sneak into first place in out group, over those roundfaced bastards. Then we probably don't have to play Germany, which would be nice.

Everything comes down to the US performance today. We can't afford a slow start because Algeria is super-stingy on D. I hope the US can take the game to them like we did for most of the contest vs. Slovenia.

Algeria was formerly occupied by France, and most of their top players end up playing for the French. Obviously the French suck at life, so anyone colonized by France is uber-pussies. I will not stand for Americans losing to these French-wannabes. Nuh-uh. Fuck that.

MERRRRRRIIIIICCCCAAAA!

Englanland vs. Slovenia: I hope they both lose. Since England is so good at ties it would be nice if they could do that again. 0-0 preferably. 


Ghana vs. Germany: G's up, hoes down. If either team wins, they advance. Ghanaria spreads onto the finals with a tie, Germany must wait and see. No Klose leaves the Germs no closer to advancing (pun).

Australia vs. Serbia: The dirty Serbs need a result and a little help, the Aussies need a miracle (i.e. a win and Ghana win), especially without their two top players.


Yesterday: Argentina and South Korea advanced in opposite fashion. The fighting Marradonnas eased in with another dominant win, South Korea snuck in with a miraculous tie as Nigeria missed a billion goals in remarkable style.

In Group A Mexico and Uruaguay both advanced thanks the the suckitude that was France and South Africa. And while South Africa kinda sucks, the French took it to a whole new level. Read up here: Stupid surrender monkeys.

*Sorry this is a little weak, but I awoke in a different country yesterday. Give me a break.

World Cup Day 12 Preview: Now it gets really good

Spain 2, Honduras Nil: Fernando still looks a little rusty and couldn't finish, and while David Villas' success rate could have been better (he left a small army of goals out there) he still pounded home two, the first one perhaps the best individual goal of the tournament.  Spain just needs to win vs. Chile to advance, and can probably do so with a tie. Yeah!

Chile 1, Switzerland 0: A fairly boring match, as is typical of the Swiss, who just kinda hang in there, even down a man (on a terrible call). Against Spain they got the lucky bounce that created a goal, today it was the Chileans who got the break, scoring on a rush after a possible offside. Chile is almost guaranteed passage to round two, as no team who has secured 5 points or more has ever not advanced.

Portugal 7, North Korea 0: One player from Chinese Korea will be executed for each goal given up. The team will be significantly shorthanded vs. Ivory Coast, who will need to score about 15 goals in order to have a chance of advancing.

Group A
Mexico vs. Uruguay: This is when the World Cup really amps. Two games at a time where a goal in one match alters the way the other match is played. Brilliant theatre.

Both these teams qualify with a tie, but Uruguay will take the pivotal number one spot in this case, which means they avoid Argentina. Mexico is sure to fight hard to avoid that case, as they were eliminated in 2006 by La Selección. (What a fucking goal that was). Let's go Uruguay.

France vs. South Africa: Whoever wins this game better do so big if they want any chance to advance. I would say with the firepower France possess it would be possible for them to pull out a big result, but since their team has quit, who knows what is going to happen.

But you gotta love the French, with players telling the coach to "Fuck off, you dirty son of a whore," and reporters quoting them live on national TV. How do you say "Five second delay" in French?

Group B
Nigeria vs. Good Korea: Basically, winner advances to knockout stage barring some craziness, which in itself is crazy because Nigeria has yet to win a match. Still, if they can beat the Koreans they only need a Greek loss to advance. They might be the last hope for Africa.

Argentina vs. Greece: The Greeks need to at least tie Argentina to have a chance to advance, but even then they need some help. They aren't going to get a tie though, so they might as well go home.

World Cup Day 11 Preview: Que es la vida?

Portugal vs. People's Republic of Korea: The scrappy ass communist are in the midst of winning me over, especially due to the fact that they will probably be execute (/borat) if they fail to win a match at this World Cup. Still, Christy Ronaldo and the Portuguese are going to be far too strong. I just can't see the commi bastards keeping this one close.


Chile vs. Switzerland: This is a huge game. Winner will pretty much guarantee advancement to the knock-out stage. I really expect this to be low-scoring, with the Swiss bunkering in to get at least a point. They don't have the Chilean firepower. And the Swiss are big on ties. You know, the whole neutrality thing. I call a 0-0 tie.


SPAIN vs. Honduras: Oh man, Fernando and the Red Fury are probably fucking furious. If they don't win this game the Spanish might as well go home. I expect Torres in the starting lineup and I will bet my left nut he gets a goal, even with his short hair (what happened to those luscious locks, Nando?). Plus, Fabregas better get in there, so he can fuck some shit up. I'm calling the biggest result of the tourney so far. Spain 5, Hondo 0. I say I'm an expert, so listen up.

Paraguay 2, Slovakia 0: The two guays advance. Good for them.


Italy 1, New Zealand 1: Oh snap! The fucking Italians are on the ropes. Happy day. And if it weren't for a typical Italian dive and generous ref, the Kiwis might have stolen this one. Loco.


Brazil 3, Ivory Coast 1: Brazil got a couple of sloppy goals (one off a double-handball by Fabiano) to take a three-goal lead. Drogs got a late goal to make it interesting, but afterward Ivory Coast decided the best tactic was to piss of the Brazilians and fall over like little bitches. A stupid strategy, as Kaka's redcard will keep him out of the match vs. Portugal, the team that will likely now advance instead.

World Cup Day 10: Brasilians do not speak Spanish? Nor Brasilian?

Slovakia vs. Paraguay: This game has already started, but who really gives a shit. Actually, fuck Slovokia because they are almost Slovenia. And Slovenia really pisses me off.


Italy vs. New Zealand: If you aren't cheering for New Zealand in this game you are a goombah piece of Jersey Shore I-Tai trash. Fuck the Azzurri. I hope they lose and all their players' families are killed by mafioso.

Brazil vs. Cote d'Ivoire: Drogba better start this match, unlike the last match where his prescience was missed. I want to see my crazy Drogs fucking Brazilian shit up. Please, if there is a Soccer God, let this game open up. So many talented players, let's let them showcase some of it.

All the little dishwashers and sweepers (puke picker-uppers) at work are Brazilian and like to talk shit to me about futbol, so I'm hoping they choke tomorrow so I can look up "Suck a fatty nutsack you doucheknuckle" in Portuguese. Because sadly Brazilians do not speak Spanish, no matter how often or slowly I yell at them. I thought it was a rule all brown people had to speak Spanish?

Netherland 1, Japan Nil: VANDERSEXXXXX trumps tentacle-rape. Wesley Sniejder fired in a lazer that should have been saved by Kawashima, and then Kawashima stoned at least three awesome chances for the Netherworlders. Fortunately his blunder freed us from another 0-0 draw. Also the freaky Dutch advanced to round two with the win.

Aussie 1, Ghana 1: Another goalkeeping gaffe, in almost the exact same spot as America's favorite Brit Robert Green's fuck-up, gave the Socceroos an early lead. Harry Kewell then unfortunately grew an arm that was struck by a Ghanan shot. For using his arm Kewell was booted, probably a harsh punishment, but soccer refs really are not a fan of arms and/or hands. Somehow short a man Australia managed to compete and earn the tie vs. Ghana. Everyone remains alive in Group D, but the men from down undah are the only one who don't control their own destiny.

Denmark 2, Cameroon 1: Africa loses one of their great hopes, as Denmark scores two unanswered goals to continue the history of European countries keeping the African people down. Very 19th century, you Danes.

The Danes must beat the Kamikazes on Thursday if they wish to advance as they trail in goal differential by one.