First, we will start off with some housekeeping; MTV has decided that this is currently still Season 2 of Jersey Shore, which is more retarded than this Skins show looks. I refuse to fully adapt, because this is clearly the third season and in no way should be compared in any way to the weakness that was Miami. Plus, you can't change a cast midseason, it just makes no damn sense.
Allright, that nonsense aside, we can begin to delve into this epic episode, which was everything that the last episode wasn't. I really think this was the original second episode, but MTV really wanted to honor MLK with a super episode (certainly not a business decision to stretch out the season), so they rushed to fill last Thursday with some bullshit. And honor MLK they did, even discussing black people a little. He must be so proud:
-Sam and Ron open the show bitching at each other because Sammi's twisted ass logic that somehow Ronnie has cheated on her again, despite the fact they haven't been separate for more than 6 seconds all season.
Yet, in the midst of this madness, Sammi suddenly has a breakthrough, realizing that she has to make herself happy, forgive the other girls and move on from the past. Holy fucking shit where the fuck did that come from? She almost seemed human.
-"I think I'm gonna eat this potato," Snooki, whilst taking a giant bite of a raw (can potatos be raw?). "Say you are stuck in a cornfield, it's not that bad." Because cornfields are full of potatoes, and places you often get stuck.
-"Tonight I want to touch dick, so why not Vinny's?" -Snooki, who is on the hunt for Seabiscuit, Vinny's cock. That is a solid nickname, no d'Artagnan or Kane Savage as some buddies of mine have dubbed their's. The whole riding theme makes sense, but Seabiscuit was undersized if I remember correctly.
-"Every guy has a dream of being with two girls at once, but not necessarily with Snooki and Deena." -Sitch, whose dream goes poof when Snooki goes chasing after the illusive Seabiscuit again.
Left alone with Deena, Situation asks, " Did you shower?" and then use the Kitchen Ditchem routine to escape. Crafty.
On the post-show, D-Na says she wasn't trying to "Do sex." Ignoring the awkward grammar, Kenny of Challenge fame rebuttles "That's a load of shit." I love Kenny.
-Meanwhile, on the other side of town, Snooki gets booted by Vinny for the second time, so she goes to complain to Jennay, who tells Snook that Vinny won't because he cares for her (and because her vodka breath makes him impotent).
Counterpoint, Snooki: "Well, stop caring and fuck me, man."
It is quickly becoming apparent that Snooki is actually turning into her South Park portrayal. I anticipate soon she will dry hump a child on the show and literally snarl, "Snooki want Smush-Smush."
-During a commercial break I broached the topic of which cast member would end up on Celebrity Rehab first to Arab Money, who was my co-pilot for this episode. He quickly countered that they will all be on Celebrity Rehab: Jersey Shore, as after their 15 minutes of fame end MTV will just wait a couple months, bump them onto VH1 and continue to rake in the cash.
-MLK Content of Character Moment: Snook and Pauly D go GT, and prior to the tanning Snooki declares that Pauly is clearly black because he is darker than her. Desperate to catch up, Snooki puts on too much lotion, which causes her ass to itch and burn. To ease the discomfort, she then sits in a mini-fridge bare assed, and must have just ate whole wheel of cheese, because she threatens to Baxter in the fridge.
-"You didn't do anything lately." -Mikey, in support of Ronald, who is clearly confused as to why Sammi is mad at him. Besides that she is a crazy bitch and you played her like a fool last season.
Plus, as Arab Money pointed out, if you are getting relationship advice from the Situation, you are fucked.
-"I need a mind condom because I am getting (dramatic pause) MIND FUCKED!" -Ronaldo. This isn't a stupid comment, because it is well known that the proper term for a prophylactic is a pussy condom, because you wear it when you are getting pussy fucked. There is no such thing as a butt condom, because Scientologists have proven that you don't need a condom for buttfucking. /copied verbatum from Snooki's upcoming book
It's Just Like The Show, But You're Reading It
-Ron was like "What'd I do?"
Sammi was like, "What'd you do?"
This repeated for a while.
Then Ron was like, "Bitch, I'm done with this."
And Sammi was like:
And the announcer was like, "Whoa, bitter beer face."
And Arab Money was like, "Maybe Sammy will commit suicide this season!"
And I was all like: "OHHH YAAAAA!"
-Sammi apologizes to Snookers at work in a very emotional scene, all the while Pauly D is looking at his watch waiting for "All this girl talk" to end. I like
Girl Talk, personally.
-Finally, the boners head out to the club, where they all promptly run into old flames (which is not at all scripted). And all of these old flames look 50% more attractive than last season, making me think they took their appearance fees straight to plastic surgeons.
Mikey's girl literally starts out wearing a halo, but once she is hanging out with him she switches to devil horns. Too subtle?
Jenny runs into an old flame, who then gets cockblocked by the fat bitch friend of Mikey's girl. How her fugly ass got into the club is beside me, bouncers certainly not doing their job.
Pauly sees his Jew stalker, who throws a drink at his head and then punches a camera after being kicked out of the club. I like 'em feisty.
-Snooki and J-Woww "sneak up" to the closed, VIP section along with the camera crew to party by themselves. Jenny decides she has to tinkle, but she is unable to walk down stairs to the open toilets where the filthy commoners dwell, so she goes behind the bar and pisses down the drain on the floor.
"I watered it down, it doesn't smell anymore."
-Vinny gets it in, Pauly's girl bitches out so he goes sleepy and Mike decides he needs food before sex. Ronnie can't understand the concept of defrosting turkey burgers, so he hucks about 30 of them on the grill at once.
-"Ronnie has two laughs, a quiet one like a schoolgirl, and one like a dolphin on steroids." -Vinny, as he and Ron have moment, made possible by Vinny's chica leaving posthaste after getting banged out.
-"I'm going to pee." -Schnookers.
"No you aren't, you are going to funnel a beer."-Danny, the suddenly more Guido store owner.
"This isn't law school, it's a t-shirt shop." -Snooks, who showed up to work wearing a poncho and dress from the night before.
-Instead of getting coffee, an unattended Snooki takes shots, sneaks beers, attempts to spice up the sex lives of old folks, and finally decides to headbutt the beach. Despite the "best attempts" of Deena and J-Woww to save her, her lack of walking ability and NWA-esque contempt for cops equals jail and likely a very special intervention next episode.
Smush-Smush.
Bed Post Notches: Vinny gets one, bringing his total to 2.
Mike gets on the board.
Pauly, get your shit together.
MVG: Snooki just dominated this episode, in perhaps the finest reality show performance of all-time. The drinking, the dick-seeking, the fridge-shitting and the sublime sand-diving show such a diverse skill set that she brought back memories of a young Bruce Jenner winning the decathlon in 1976 Olympics. And based on the children on his TV show, for all we know she could be one of his bastard kids. Circle of life.
Next Week Thursday: We find out that there are two Ronnie's, which somehow Ron will use to explain away his behavior in Miami. Speaking of which, I thought General Hospital and Days of Our Lives had a trademark on the whole long, lost twin storyline. Get more creative MTV.
