You can pry the PBR from my cold, dead hands...

I have a hard time working up the same hatred for BYU as I do the Raiders. No Momo has ever really bothered me that much in person (and I love me some "Momo" Thomas) and most of the times BYU kicked the shit out of CSU and ran up the score happened before I was born. But then I remember Mormons abject hatred of alcohol, and it starts getting me worked up.

Don't get me wrong, I don't expect everyone to drink as much as I do and I know some people should not drink (we call them quitters, hobos and Native Americans), but just because you can't handle shotgunning a few 24oz PBRs at 10a.m., doesn't mean you shouldn't infringe on my right to drink Red, White and delicious beer through a sharp and dangerous slit in a can until I vomit foam.

It is kinda like gun rights activists and thir claims. "Fine, be a pussy and don't own a pistol, that is fine. Just don't expect me to leave my M-16 assault rifle at home (thanks to The Goddammed Awesome Second Amendment) when I come to this simple public forum to discuss the fact that you  lawless socialists are trying to outsource my insurance to Pakistan or whatever the fuck your Kenyan president wants to do." [maybe not my best allusion, but you get the point]

I can accept the fact that Utahians? Utahans, Utards, people from the state of Utah, Utards look down on me even, but don't make it obvious. You guys have flaws too (I've seen Big Love, you people are sick), so please stop shaking your head and muttering to your children when you pass me in the parking lot.

And for the love of God and Joey Smith, please don't restrict my ability to drink so damn stringently in your bars. I would like to have a shot with a beer back. Not to have a shot, then have to order a beer and wait for you to grab it from the kitchen. I would like to drink a beer while contemplating what shitty entree to order at Applebees, but you assholes won't even take my drink order until I have ordered my food.

"Wench! I must be hammered to eat your to eat your nuked Hickory Smokehouse burger. I didn't want to come here anyway, unfortunately it is the only place open after 7p.m. on a Saturday."

My family always used to travel through Utah on spring break (Woooo! Sedona '96) and I always just wanted to watch the first couple rounds of the NCAA Tournament during our stops, but your archaic laws forbade my 10-year old ass from sitting in the bar areas and watching TV, because I might be corrupted. Fuck you guys.

Add on the fact that your whitebread ass teams always manage to get all the calls from the refs (Tommie Hill is still traumatized after last year's mugging/raping that was uncalled on the last drive) and that you, holier-than-though fans, are the second most vile in the conference (New Mexico folks are just plain angry, Wyo too  dumb to count). It makes me hope that we can put a nice pounding on you bastards. A pounding that makes Lavell Edwards bust out this face (Whoa, Bitter beer face):

Prediction:
To have any real chance to win CSU is going to need to control the ball and dominate the line of scrimmage. The Rams should be able to, and hopefully will have Shelly Smith back to wreck house. I want to see John Mosure left, Mosure right, and Mosure faking to Mason then going right up the gut (Wildcat, bitches).

Also, I want to see more Ryan Gardner action. A big ass play against Boulder showed me he has cured those alligator arms from last year, now just refrain from going all agro with the celebrations. A third weapon in the passing game to take the pressure off Dion Morton and Rashaun Greer would be nice.

Defense just better get after Max Hall's ass. If you can pressure him he breaks down. He might beat us for a couple big plays, but I would rather that than have him pick us apart like last year. Hopefully we can get some turnovers and get up big on BYU early, and I think that they will unravel. The one thing we can't afford is for them to get off to a quick start.

I have faith in Coach Fair, and I think the Rams take this one 35-27. Grant Stucker has his best game stats wise, going 14-22-230 yards with 2 tds passing (one long one to Gardner) and no picks. He adds a rushing td. Mosure picks up a buck-twenty and Lou Greenwood breaks a biggy.

I also predict Elijah-Blu Smith knocks two people into Scotty McKnightland.

RaiderHatin'

Even though I have much more hate for the current incarnation of the Chargers (Marmalard, Merrirapeman, Drunken V-Jack from Greeley, etc.) my hatred of Oakland courses through my veins similar to the hate between the Catholics and Protestants in Ireland. I don't know why I hate them, it is more just the fact that they exist. I even might like a couple of players (I mean, Erik Pears is a former Rams' player), but I still hate the whole fucking "Raider Nation."

There are a ton of reasons why, and here are my favorites:
Tom Cable: What an epic douche. Plus he used to coach at CU. And was once a hobo coach.

Cable was homeless. He had no car. He had little meal money. Twenty
year's later, nothing from his early resume suggests he could become the
head coach of the Oakland Raiders.

"That was about rock bottom," Cable said. "I didn't have a thing to my
name. I was broke as can be. I'm telling you, that was tough. Tough,
tough times."

So, all-in-all, the perfect resume bulletpoints to impress Al Davis.

Ice Cube: Did we not learn from the '85 Bears that songs about a team are fucking stupid? Well, Mr. Are We There Yet decided to recently release this ditty (diddy?). Brilliant. If you were going for that bak-alley-abortion-for-the-ears music? This is probably the only flow recently worse than Jay-Z's on 'Young Forever,' so I guess it has that going for it.

Al Davis: This one is too easy, but really:

Silver and Black: Some family once named their child "Silver Anne Black." While creative, I am afraid that she already has a spot in the Bike Gang Whore Hall of Fame.

"Go Raiders": Unfortunately in 2007 Oakland lost their biggest fan Robert Charles Cormer passed away from natural causes, but before passing his last words were "Go Raiders."

"Wait," you might say, "doesn't the article say that he was put to death for killing and murdering people."

Yes he was, and I find that to be a perfectly natural death for a Raider fan (ZING-ZADANG).

Matt Holliday: Yes, I know that is a different sport, and I love Cargo, Huson and the thought that Greg Smith could be decent, and I know that our team is fine without him, but I will forever hold Oakland responsible for taking away my big ole Paul Bunyan who ripped the hearts out of the Padres in 2007 by not touching home plate.

And Finally, A List of Things: That will take longer than a JaMarcus Russell highlights.
"A List of Things" is a little recurring feature on this blog. It will be full of snarky and snide comments mocking someone or something. There is a 100% chance that Darren Sproles, Clint Barmes and Dan Hawkins will make appearances at some point in the future.

Some asshole from NFL.com, at the conclusion of the Raiders games, put together a highlight for J-Mark-Us that features "Big Fat QB" completing four passes. I am actually convinced they might be all four passes he completed all day.

You could watch the video in less time than it would take:
...Usain Bolt to run 100-meters.
...A virgin Star Wars fan to finish banging Megan Fox while she rocks Princess Leia buns.
...Shaq to get eliminated during a spelling bee.
...Me to compile a list of Soulja Boi Tell 'Em's greatest hits.
...Harry Carey to pronounce Pete Kontodiakos' last name.
...Dexter Fowler to go first-to-third on a Todd Helton opposite field single.
...To read this sentence.
...Al Davis to chug a cup of assistant coach Blood.