Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 3, Episode 1

Two months without Guidos and I almost forgot who they were...except every single day when I woke up singing "Itttt's T-SHIIIRRRT TIIIIMMMMMEE!!!"

Yes, the Wopmonkeys have returned for season tres, back at the Syphillis Shores. Gone is that wretched whore Angelina and she is being replaced by one of Snooki's friends, who is allegedly crazier. It is like God is finally answering my prayers.

Usually I simply recap these episodes while playing my awesome drinking game and mock these fucktards for their fucktardedness, but this season I am gonna step it up a couple of notches on the bedpost in two ways; 1) By literally keeping a bedpost-notch hook-up tracker (Again, to me a hook-up only involves penetration into an orifice. Finger-Vag, Penis-Mouth, Elbow-Asshole, Foot-Gaping Belly Button Wound), and 2) By naming an MVG (Most Valuable Guido) every episode in order to make the end of season MVP Award (Name TBD) that much sweeter.

Enough with the particulars...ONTO THE MOTHERFUCKING SHORE (My dearest mother helped with me the first half of this episode, but she had tune out because the "Camerawork was so shaky it made her sick." Not the swearing, horrible people and general stupidity, the camerawork. Old people are funny):

-Snooki is officially more tan than any person not currently named Wesley Snipes.

-We meet Deena (Whose name really should be spelled like D-Nuh if she wants to fit in), who is apparently the living, breathing afterbirth of Snooki. Or maybe slightly-better-looking-in-certain-camera-angles-friend. Whatever the case, she is Snooki-Squared (couldn't figure out superscript, my bad).

She has also almost has the first quotable and catchphrase of the season, but I just don't feel guyshopping is quite up to par. Plus rookies can never win. Consider this hazing.

-J-Woww is gonna cheat on T-Awm-Me this season...I can read the SUBTLE foreshadowing.

-"We clean it, and we don't go in after the Situation uses it." Pauly, to his concerned Momma on the hot tub conditions. Her advice is not, "Hey use a rubber" or "Hey, you are like 35, still living in my house and trying to hook up with 18-year olds. Grow the fuck up." These parents are fucking awful.

-I hope to fuck Ronnie cheats on Sammi, whose name I have been spelling with a Y for a while now. Like I give a shit, but I feel I am understating her whoriness if I don't give it that Stripper-i.

-"Monkeys have to go to the jungle, I have to go to the shore." -Vinny, too fucking easy.

-Ooooohhhh Duck Phone, how I have missed you. And props to MTV for reusing the old set house. Because the profit margin on this show is really tight and you can't spare any expenses.

-Rammi (Ronni+Sammi for my slower readers...so all of you) of course choose to be superdouchey and self-involved by forcing some poor sucker to live with them. Turns out it is the Sit. and that is actually pretty awesome.

"I can't bring girls back and bang them in front of Sam." -Vinny. Yes you can, nothing would be funnier than to rub it in her and Roni's faces. Literally.

-J-Woww doesn't even respond to Sammi other than a "Uhhh." Point, Wowzers.

Rebuttal: "No bag, she's just whore." -Sammi. Game fucking ON!

-"I have Vinny in the house, maybe I don't need (my tiny green dildo)." -Snooks.

-Mike is in Sam's old bed. Du-Dun-Duh...foreshadowing? Can he pull the ultimate robbery?

-"These burgers are 80% lean, 20% fat. That's how I like my women." -Vinny, off to a strong start as always.

-"I'm a walking holiday." Dino.

"I don't get it, does she give out candy? I'm a dumb fucking whore." -Sammi (may have paraphrased that a bit).

"If Deena is a holiday, then she is Thanksgiving because she has got a lot to give and she's down for a lot of stuffing." -Mike. Great fucking editing on this whole sequence. Top notch.

-Snooki gets jealous of Vinny banging her friend Ryder and then getting all handsy with D-Na. Some advice for both of them;

Vinny: Don't shit were you sleep.

Snooks: Quit having friends that are fucking WHORES! /Arab Money voice (you'll get this when I post my New Years blog).

J-W's advice to Vin is also succinct and constructive: "Stick it in one of the jet holes."

-Cowboy hat is probably another term for Deanna's cooka (cucha, kooka?)."

Once that cowboy hat is found, the Situation does indeed also find her vagine...Then acts like he has never fucking seen one before in his life...Then passes on being the first (in the house) to pound that. I will wager my car that before 2020 it will come out that the Situation is gay.

-"If I see your fucking penis rise, I'm going to bed." -Jenni, to Mike.

-Mike uses the word "audacious." Which is pretty audacious of him. It would work better if he didn't struggle to say it like he just drank molasses.

-Sammi is a bitch. D-Nuh is drunk. This is humorous and doesn't even qualify as a Situation (TM). Then, you add the secret element, Eaux de Ronald, and what you have is a powderkeg with a fuse. Snooki, now rocking her "red, flaming hair" decides to play the role of lit match, to get this fiesta off on the right foot.

She calls Sammi a bitch, Deena already called her a cunt. Then there is something about squirellmonkeys.

"I might have fabricated a bit about Ron's mom calling Sam a bitch, but when I said it, Ron didn't say a word." -Snoookkerrrs.

-Credits ruining the fight...as fucking always. Dickbags.

Hook-Ups: None. Shit's weak!

MVG: D-Nice D-NA. A little weak on the quotables because they were pretty much drunken blather, but heavy on the whorey situations (get it?), stupidity, drama and mostly for not being Angina.

Next Up: Holy fucking shit this season looks 10x as fun as Miami...Grenade Whistles, The Wicked Bitch of the Shore going home swinging, Snookers diving into sand, arrests and the fact that I might actually get to watch these episodes with real life friends...well color me tan.

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Week 6

Sorry this is  late, but because of some issues with DirectTV tivo (i.e. it sucks my balls) I was unable to give you my Jersey Shore Situation until now.

Yep. Shit is going down. Vinnie finally did something productive in this show by stealing the bosses girl, now we get to see what happens. And hopefully Ron-Ron beats some ass. And hopefully people say horrible things that I can quote and then mock. Armed with Admiral Nelson, Hornitos and a splash of Pepsi (El Generilisimo, I dub this concoction), to the Tivo MTV website I go...

-The Vinnie situation girl-stealing business is worked out far too easily, so that Danny guy must really be a good guy to forgive. Watching the aftershow (what? I gotta do research for this), they say that Danny had been trying to get with that Tonya girl for like five or six years. Finally gets a date and then Vinnie fucking steals her. That teaches you to rent out your house to MTV.

-"I usually don't feel bad taking someone else's girl, per se, because that is the girl's fault." Touche, Vin, touche.

-GTL. Rules to live by in your Guido handbook. That is Gym, Tanning, Laundry. There is so much work that goes into being a Guido, I don't think I could do it.

-Vinne is a creeper, just like all the other Guidos, but he is just silent. His efforts to pull Mike's sister were awesome, and according to the aftershow, the cast said that they thought Vinnie hooked-up slept in the same bed as Mike's sister purely to piss of the Situation, since they never really got along.

[Sidenote: Am I the only one really confused by these Guidos making a really big deal about little shit like making out, holding hands, etc. IF you are at a club like the ones they go to, dancing all up on each other's shit is just socially acceptable, and many times it leads to making out, but it really doesn't mean jack shit. I'm not sure it really even counts as hooking up. The Sit getting all uppity about holding hands with Sam and then making out with Ronnie is ridiculous. You aren't in high school (though their mindsets may be), I think an appendage has to be inserted into an orifice to qualify as hooking up, but maybe that is just me. I know hook-ups aren't limited to sex, but I don't think making out on a dance floor equals hooking up either, right?]

-For a guy who didn't really do anything besides get Pink Eye from a farting old lady (at least according to Mikey) in the first couple of episodes, Vinnie apparently was at work below the surface. Again, the aftershow divulged that he was involved with several ladies, almost all of whom were connected to someone else in the house (Sit's sister, J-Woww's friend, Danny's girl and maybe Angelina's friend early on). Slick and admirable, at least to me, since I have discovered this is more my game than pulling random girls at bars.

-"I'm like the first strike, reconnaissance." -Situation

-Snookers: "If one thing leads to another, I'm not going to tell him to get off." I would hope you help him get off. That joke was too easy.

But then she gives the guy an out. You can never do that. If you aren't a prize catch yourself you can't give hope of something better. People will always choose Door #2.

-I love that Sammie gets so butthurt about her "Flintstone big toe." What a fucking whiny bitch. Her and Ronnie are fucking worthless. It is good her and the Sit never really got together, or else that would totally have ruined his role. Ronaldino is so whipped it hurts me. The best is when she calls her big toe a "personal issue." I have just begun skipping through their scenes. Fucking worthless.

-"Unbelievable, huh, Snooks. It is so hard to find a good man these days, that is why I date women." -Pauly D with a quote as nice as his beats.

-When it appears that Ronnie has broken up with Sam, I love that Vinnie is happy as fuck. No one like those two. It was very ballsy of Snooks to just straight up tell Ron and Sam that everyone hates them. Actually not Ballsy as it was just the liquor talking. My bad.

-Ronnie goes to "Creep" on some girls. It is good to know that Creeping is an acceptable term for picking up chicks. Glad to know Guido and Creep are both positive connotations these days.

-Mike ask Snook to kick out the fat one. "Will I know?" "Oh yeah, you'll know."

-The undercard: Snookers vs. Fat Bitches: Basically, Snookie needs to learn to fight or duck, according to Pauly. And Mike really needs to figure out how to quit bringing baggage back to the house. Has anyone had a worse reputation from reality TV than the blond grenade since Omarosa? A cockblock and a charging Rhino. She is probably the only person who doesn't love this show.

-"Your ride's here." Vinnie to the fat girls, as the trash truck pulls up.

-Snookie's attack on Mike, with what appears to be a giant inflatable monkey kills me, especially finishing the attack with a risky backside balls shot while he carries her over his shoulders.

-I need Vinnie's mom to visit me once a week.

-Sam and Ron are like gasoline and matches. Or Pauly D and a barbecue.

-The Main Event: Ronnie whooped that guys ass. Granted that guy was fucked up as shit, but he got fucking mashed. The only time Ron really got hit was right at the end as they were separating (or, as I like to call it, the Chubbs Special). I can't wait for the Jersey Shore Boxing/Wrestling/Ultimate Fighting Show five years down the road. Or maybe these Guids will move on to compete in the Real World/Road Rules shit, since I'm pretty sure Road Rules last aired in 1999.

-Ronnie decides to cool down by flipping picnic tables. Over/under one-year until Ronnie pulls a Charlie Sheen. I'll choose the under. He'll beat Sammie like Fred Flintstone used to Barney.

Next Week: In Guido Mecca, J-Woww beats Mike's ass. I can't wait.

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Week 5

When we last left Jersey Shore, Snookers had just taken a shot to the jaw. It was beautiful, until MTV cut it. Weak. It was nowhere as tough as the LaGarrett Blount Falcon Punch . Really, those are the two moments that will always stick in my memory when I think of 2009, Snookie and the Blount. Kind of shows what a bleh year 2009 was, that two white bitches getting socked are my defining memories.

Anyway, I know that I am late with this, but I was still so drunk/hungover when this episode first aired that I was incapable of drinking (and I also had to report to work on New Years), and I didn't want to rob you of my drunken opinions of the only greatest reality TV show there is (I wanted to say only, but I have started watching two others. Before you judge, realize one focuses on CSU and the other features some clown from CSU. Maybe more on the latter, later). So without further adieu, here are my snap reactions to episode 5:

-Honestly, how in the world did the Situation not beat some ass. Just one or two swings, even half-hearted and that guy is dining on pussy the rest of his life. He would be a hero for standing up for girls everywhere. Instead he froze like someone shot by Schwartzenager in that awful Batman movie (insert more current reference here). I also like how Ronnie acts like Mike is a bitch, but he didn't do shit either. None of them did. That is weak.

-Mike "El Situation" creeping still after Snooks got blasted was maybe the most hilarious moment of 2009. Just absolutely no class. That is like stealing a man's wallet after he gets jumped, lays bleeding to death, and not calling 911. And yet he still comes off better than some of the other cast-members at the close of this episode. This cast is more shallow than a kiddie pool.

-The cops make Snookie walk home. Jersey Shore Po-Po need to step up. You even make the Bonedale Police look lazy.

-Everyone decides they actually like Snookie after she gets KTFO. As if that is some sort of badge of honor.

-Even Ron-Ron's parents are shallow and all about themselves. Or, as Vinnie calls them, good people. (Wa-Wa-What?)

-Ron, to his mother: "Drink your Mimosa, smoke another cigarette and take it easy." Ron, your mother just wants to get her cancer tan on, don't make her get her cancer smoke on.

-Vinnie is like a fucking lost puppy so far in this show, just tagging along. For fuck's sake, do something. If anyone is playing my game and drafted Vin, you now know how Detroit Lions fans have felt about every draft since 1989 (Barry Sanders, fyi).

-J-Woww's advice to Snook. "Let's drink heavily." Based on that line alone, I want to marry her. She is a woman after my own heart. Every situation can be solved with shots and rapid chugging of beer.

-Snookers, on killing Lobsters: "I don't like to eat anything that is alive when you kill it." Good thing it is a well-known fact that cows are born dead, or else hamburgers would be off my personal menu as well.

-DJ Pauly D, on the strength of his hair gel. : "I'm not sure my hair is bulletproof, but I'm not about to test it." I am willing to bet there is a significant portion of Americans that are willing to test this for you. "I'll play the part of the barber and put a part up in your hair. Sit inside of my barber's chair, I'll let the four-fifths clippers clip a ni--a" Gratuitous rap lyric supplied by Ray Cash- Killa With the Flow (prod. by the Kickdrums

-Pauly D on some girls: "They aren't whores. We might have to see them once or twice." Vinnie piles on. "Some girls will come in and jump into the hot tub. Some girls you have to treat like human beings." I hate bitches that I have to treat as human beings. I want to fuck alien bitches. Mainly illegal alien bitches. You have to pay less that way. And you can beat them up without paying extra.


-FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT. Chick fight and Snookie didn't even get a fresh one in the kisser. J-Woww done Guido Windmilled some bitch. Then, she had to adjust her boobs, because they were pointing completely different directions. Like googly-eyed Jason Ibanez from my high school soccer team (or Stuart Scott, for you non-Carboners)

ASIDE: I see a whole shit load of boob jobs out here in Cali, and all I can say is, girls, go the whole ten yards. Don't half-ass a boob job like J-Woww. I appreciate all boobs, real or fake, but when they look like they are trying to separate like Jon and Kate (whoo, totally out of date reference) it kinda grinds my gears. Make sure you go under the muscles, the over-the-top treatment just doesn't work. Boobs should work together, they should not be trying to avoid each other like the polar sides of magnets.

-Ronald dispenses some great advice, on J-Woww's boyfriend Tom, who is a biggity-bitch: "I would send her a picture of my dick and some bubble gum." If I ever were able to have an ex-girlfriend, I would send her this. I should send this to a bunch like my one hook-up. Look out, (radio edit). This would actually be a nice present since Trophy Wife's mother said I had a nice looking penis once upon a time. Again, this would mean I would have to have a girlfriend, and that will probably never happen, until I am more whipped than Ron-Ron.

-Vinnie finally breaks out. Stealing the bosses bitch. What a way to finish. It only took him five episodes to finally shine. Is he a Chauncey Billups, a late-bloomer who became captain clutch, or is he a Kenny Anderson who teased us with potential and never amounted to shit? The jury is out.

Next Week: Is only two days away. The best part about procrastinating is that you shorten the waiting time. Right?

P.S. The Real World features some kid from CSU. I will update on him as well, but the AZN summarized him best after one episode, and when I can steal material, I do (Ignore her bad grammar):

"thanks to RW23 and Andrew, Colorado is represented as a nerdy, hilarious lying, sexually active but not really at all, racist, retarded, stuffed animal lovin, kind of creepy, kind of awesome state... HEY RAMMIE, way to rep your C-STATERS."

Why the fuck wasn't I on the Real World? Bullshit!

The Weekend Sack-Up: There's the Kyle Orton we all know and hate

I watched about five minutes of yesterday's game. If I wanted to watch a three-hour disaster where I knew the ending I would rather watch Titanic, because at least there are boobs in that. Denver missed the playoffs when they shit the bed against Washington and Oakland. Still, my futile effort was better than the one made by the Denver defense in getting reamed by the immortal Jamal Charles.

Oh, and Kyle Orton certainly dealt with the loss of Scheffler, Royal and Marshall by getting blacked out to the point that he thought Derrick Johnson was wearing blue and orange while channeling Cutty-Buddy.

All I know is the Broncos better vastly improve on both the offensive and defensive lines next season. You win games in the trenches and we got destroyed there like the French in WWII.

I also know that I am going to miss Brandon Marshall. He is a beast, but I see no way that he comes back. Hopefully we get some compensation for him. McDaniels needs to find us a QB.

Three years in a row we have blown the home finale with a playoff spot on the line. Fuck that shit.

I guess, based on the way the year started with McD pissing off everyone and alienating Cutler, this shouldn't have been a surprise, but after a 6-0 start this is still severely disappointing. At least I'm not a fan of a team that lost 9 straight to lose the season (oh wait. Thanks to CSU my football teams have combined for two wins in their last 17 games. WOOOOOO)

Oh, and if you expected pictures you can go fuck yourself. I'm pretty happy that I was able to make it out of bed today. If you hear of a slaughter of Chargers fans in the next couple of days, you should probably wipe this blog from your internet history, lest you be culpable somehow.

Nuggs: Chauncey and Melo out and the Nuggs at least pulled off one W. Get healthy, boys.

CSU Basketball: Beat the shit out of Yale. How Do You Like Them Apples? /Matt Damon movie.  What, wrong school? All those Ivy League schools can go suck a dick anyway.

Also, if you are a CSU fan you need to check out Reaching the Peak, the CSU basketball reality TV show. It is on the MTN, but actually pretty well done. Timmy Miles cracks me up every time, especially his constant speculation about Jesse Carr's pelvis. (How is that for a teaser).

CSU Football: Joel Dreessen had his best NFL game ever for the Texans. Check out this shit:
Fort Morgan's Own

Too bad guys named Chris/Kris Brown combined to cost the Texans at least four games this year.

 New Years and Club Shit: New Year's Eve at the club was actually very uneventful. The day before NYE was much more eventful. It was the night of the Holiday Bowl, so all sort of Nebraska and Arizona fans and players dropped by afterward. Ndakumognganga Suh was there as well. But the real highlight was my first semi-chokehold and kneedrop on some drunk asshole who tried to run away after getting into a fight and knocking over some shit.

The clapping wasn't necessary, but thank you.

New Years consisted of a really boring night watching amatures get way too hammered, but at the end of the night my bosses rented a party bus and a suite at a badass Sheridan that overlooked the bay. So while most of you assholes were passing out after getting cleared out from the bars, I was drinking free booze. All night and until the sun rose.

Then, as the sun was rising over the lovely Pacific Ocean, I took a cab to a bar that had opened at 6AM for 3$ U-Call-Its. I had a few Bloody Marys before finally heading home to pass out at 8:30AM. That is how New Year's is done.

Avalanche: Still rolling along at a pretty good pace. 18 games until the trade deadline, the Avs need to make a little push so they can add a couple of pieces at the deadline (I'm thinking a couple of veteran wingers who play good D while also being able to chip in a few goals.

Rockies: Miguel Olivo instead of Yorvitt. Not sure that is what I would call an upgrade. Hopefully Dreamy Iannetta hits above .220.


Tweets of the Week:
gilbertarenas: i guess everyone wants me to act like the rest of the nba twitters players...(i bought a shirt today from the mall)(practice was tough 2 day

-Yep, Gilbert began tweeting this week. I wonder why? Do they not let you tweet from jail?

Seriously, I'm sure it was just a joke gone awry, as he said. The man made a dumb decision, but he shouldn't be sent to jail, ala Chedder Plax. This shit will blow over, I hope. Because the man is Nick Cannon. Hil-Lar-E-Ous.

jimgaffigan: "I gotta feeling" that I'm gonna get really sick of that Black Eyed Peas song.

-I will stab Fergie if I ever see her, but she probably won't come back to SD after pissing her pants during Street Fest a few years ago.


Go Fuck Yourself: Every week I choose someone special to fuck off. This week, it is Fox:

Dear Fox,

You need to stop broadcasting college football. You are fucking awful. Just fucking pathetic. So go fuck yourselves.


You make me so angry while watching games that I yell at my father to put it on mute. Thom Brennamen and whatever other shitcunts that you have in the booth continue to call players the wrong name and only slurp the stars, because these games, only the biggest of the year, are probably the only games that they have watched all year. Plus, I get Jimmie fucking Johnson and other dickeared manginas telling me about the game, like that asshole has watched a college football game since he left Miami in 1988.


Plus, you have way to many fan and band shots. Instead of showing interesting stuff like replays or stats. Nope, I get 5000 shots of Potato-fucking clowns from Boise wearing TOTALLY RAD facepaint. And if you must show fans, show hot girls. Find a few, and just show them. I have been TCU, I know that there are only atractive girls everywhere. How your cameras kept zooming in on purple fatties I will never know. As for Boise, errr, well, put Ian Johnson's fiance at one of the 40 yard-lines and cut to her. I understand hot girls from Idaho are hard to find.

You finally found some hot TCU girls crying at the end, when it was far too late. I don't want to see crying hot girls, that is the time that I like the beautiful shots of the crying fatties and kids.

And please, bands are not to be shown up close. Show them from the fucking blimp, spelling out cool stuff on the field. Those fucking nerds are the dregs of humanity and have no business on my TV. If I was fortunate enough to have an HDTV I would have been forced to switch to the regular feed.


GO FUCK YOURSELVES


P.S. Troy Aikman and Joe Buck are so shitty that they influenced my hatred, without ever appearing on my TV screen.

This Week:  I'm terrible at following the schedule I set, but you will get two Jersey Shore updates this week. Guido's honor. One from last week and one from Thursday's show. The Nuggets/NBA discussion will be moved back a week or so at least, it will just be a midseason report, not a 1/3 season.

The Weekend Sack-Up: A Charlie Brown Christmas

Yes, that above picture is pretty much what the Broncos have done to me in each of the last three years. Look at how professional it is.

I should have know better. I should just stop watching, like my parents have (they went whale watching, didn't see one, and still had a better day than me). I even told Boyle that they were going to make it close and then break my heart. Just like I called it last week. Yet they keep pulling me back. Next week I will wake up to watch the early games, convince myself the Broncos have a chance, only to get kicked in the gut at the last possible instant. I should try heroin, as it might be far easier to catch the dragon than be happy with the Broncos.

-Edy pointed out on his Tweeter page that the Broncos defensive celebration is pretty much "N-gga's gotta eat," and Darrell Reid's Twitter seconds that notion. This was the best moment of the game, as he celebrates the fumble he forced that allowed Denver back into the game. I take special pride in the fact that I Tweeted: "Fumble on the kickoff. I'm callin it" only to have it happen just seconds later. I really am Nostradamus.

(Alternate caption was something akin to "Look at my JFK Jr. impression", but I couldn't actually go there. See, I do have a bit of a moral compass. Plus it isn't really current. I'm glad there haven't been any plane crashes lately)

(I wish Twitter would pay me five bucks per mention)

-Yeah, and then this happened. The Savaged joke is due to the fact that the punter's name is Sav Rocca. What a great porn name.

-Excuses are for assholes, and I am an asshole, so:

1. For at least the second straight game, the Broncos opponent wasn't called for one holding penalty. Wicked awesome. And then, with the Broncos pinned deep and the season on the line, the refs threw two flags for holding on the Broncos. Justified, yes, but I am sure the Eagles held at least once.

2. Questionable penalties on Champ and Wesley Woodyard (even Fuckwad Simms Sr. said he didn't see a thing) kept alive an Eagles drive, that gave them their only TD in the second half.

3. There was that little rape that kinda pissed Stokes off

4. And then they tossed him for barely slapping a ref's pinkie.

5. Why did the clock stop after Orton's run with 1:50 left in the game? The Eagles declined the penalty and didn't take a time out. Should have been about 1:10 left when the Broncos punted. Not really a big deal, but the refs were fucking up all day long. Glad the Broncos got a marquee crew.

-This game should be another example of why going for it on fourth down is good. Denver has a 4-and-4ish on there own 13. DeSean Jackson is a great returner. Mitch Berger sucks my balls. Why don't the Broncos go for it? Even changing the field 40 yards in that situation barely takes the Eagles out of field goal range. Giving them the ball at the 45 or the 15 isn't much of a difference with 1:50 left.

It may actually have improved the Denver situation, as you basically have four outcomes after the 3rd down play:
1) What happened.
2) Denver punts and the Eagles take over at midfield. Denver stops them and the game goes to OT.
3) Denver goes for it, gets the first down and then is able to keep control of the clock/drive for a score.
4) Eagles get the ball, in field goal range. Eagles probably don't do anything much on offense, just run it three times and kick a field goal. Denver gets the ball back after the kickoff with about a minute left.

We know the offense has the upper hand in the NFL, so I would rather take my shot at picking up four yards rather than give Donovan McNabb the chance to pick up about 10 yards.

Random Celebrity Shit: So Wild Thing Vaughn Charlie Sheen was arrested in Aspen for beating up his wife, yet I had to see his an goddamn awful Hanes commercials non-stop during the game. Yet El Tigre can't be found. Uhhhh?

On one hand you have: A) a decent actor who is a woman-beater, drug-abuser, adulterer, child-porn loving asshole who made me feel sympathy for retarded Denise Richards by leaving her a voicemail threatening to kill her and calling her the N-bomb illogically, or: B) the best golfer in the world who happened to bang everything that moved and killed a fire hydrant.

Seems the obvious choice to sell me underpants is option A. I would never want to buy a razor because of that other asshole. AMERICA you need to figure your shit out.

Avalanche: While the Broncos consistently kick me in the taint, the Avs are as annoyingly bi-polar. They kick ass one night, then blow a two-goal lead in the last 10 minutes of regulation, then come back to kick ass again. Still, they are first in the division, which is pretty damn unexpected. Chris Stewart is killin' it. And he is black. So guess who my new favorite player is? Fooled ya. It is still Matty Duchene, but Stewie's awesomeness has been crucial for the Avs in the last 20 games.

Nuggets: Not really a big fan of what they have been up to. JR finally going off is nice, but the fact that Chauncey is banged up makes me worry. We need to get another big man as well. More to come soon when I discuss the first-1/3 of the NBA season with the Ice Cream Edy.

Go Fuck Yourself: I'm going to try to add this in every week.  I am going to tell someone to fuck off. This week, it is Stan Van Gundy:

Hey Stan,

Remember when you bitched about the NBA playing games on Christmas. You actually said:

"I actually feel sorry for people who have nothing to do on Christmas Day other than watch an NBA game."

Well, go fuck yourself. Most of us are sick of talking to our families and need something to fill the awkward gaps. Like when I don't know what to say to my soon-to-be step Grandma, you know what fills the gap? Screaming at Kobe.

So sad you didn't get to spend time with your family like you wanted to, but you probably should have thought of your family before you signed up to coach in a sport where you play 82 FUCKING regular season games a year. By the way, Stan, you make millions. You can afford to have Christmas like 30 times a year.

Like any NBA players want to have Christmas off anyway. They would be like Vince Vaughn and Reece Witherspoon in 4 Christmases. Which illegitimate family are they going to choose? Isiah Jr.'s baby momma or Isiah II? Like they want to see Taneshwa again so she can serve them more paternity papers? No way. They can't be in Harlem, San Diego and Houston in the same day. There are greater odds that an NBA player will be in the same town with his child IF they are sent on the road.

GO FUCK YOURSELF

P.S. You look like Ron Jeremy.


Colorado State: Covered in my previous pregaming post. Let's beat some Fresno ass like we are in New Mexico, ya dig?


Joel Dreessen balled out for the Oilers Texans today. Bawse.


Tweet of the Week: The Mike Donovan: "A horse finished second in the voting for AP female athlete of the year! A horse! Congrats Serena you beat a friggin horse."

In Da Club: Not too much going down. Some fool from the Nebraska coaching staff offered me tickets to the Holliday Bowl to sneak into the club. I have to work that night, so no dice for him. Apparently we always charge $50 a head when busy. That is mucho dinero.


New Year's Eve should be awful fun. Awful in that it will be redonkulessly busy with shit shows all over. Fun in that I expect someone to offer me hundreds of dollars to come in.

As well, my boss says that I should basically expect to get raped by drunken girls. Which, depending on the situation and looks of the girl, could range wildly on the enjoyment scale. Whether or not you care, I will share.


This Week: NBA update with Edy and hopefully some new Jersey Shore action.

Shout-out: To Kilometers, for his awesome birthday gift that I finally put into action. The African-American Heritage Game for Kids is now an awesome drinking game. Boyle and I put our heads together and drunkeness exploded. Bong couldn't handle the punishment and spent this morning imitating a dragon.

Why I can't sleep at night: Random thoughts not really about sports

I get a lot of jokes made/questions asked about my nocturnal patterns (Leonard has dubbed me a vampire). People don't really get why I will stay up past the sunrise doing nonsense instead of dropping off to sleep like a normal person. Obviously my hours bouncing throw me off, but even before I always stayed up way too late, even if I had a dreaded morning class or work in the AM.

Partly it is my biological clock, but mostly it is the fact that I can't shut my brain down at night to fall asleep. Insomnia is kind of a bitch, but to put it in perspective here is a list of things I remember consciously thinking about two nights (mornings?) ago before I could fall asleep (this is just a partial list). Keep in mind I was dead sober for this, so imagine what thoughts run through my head when on any mind-expanding drug, and you can see why I avoid them:

-I start by thinking about Mad Men, which I just watched, and if I would be a cheating asshole like Don Draper, especially if I had that much random ass thrown at me.

-I start panicking about how I am wasting my life by working as a bouncer and staying up so late. I wonder if I would ever find a job I truly enjoy that actually pays. One that isn't NFL wide receiver, which I appear to have missed.

-I start thinking about my plans for the next day, what I have to do, what I want to get done. I get frustrated that every minute without falling asleep means another minute wasted the next day, but I know I can't rush the process.

-I realize I am only 24 and I have six years until I am 30 and really have to make something of myself. I look at how much I have changed in the last six years and realize I have a lot of growth ahead. I laugh at how stupid and awkward I used to be, especially since I am still awkward and stupid.

-I hear my roommate get up for work and I wonder if I could physically do labor at this time in the morning, day after day.

-I think about religion, and what my beliefs were. I thought so long about this I was able to basically come up with a new mission statement: "With all the horrible things carried out in the name of organized religion I find it impossible to follow one and I feel that any sort of rational God would see the enlightenment of a person choosing to live by their own personal moral compass rather than any religion created and moderated by anyone else."

-I begin thinking about death, and what it means and what will happen. I have been asking this question as long as I can remember, fearing the unknown. I literally have to force myself to think about something else or I become enveloped in fear.

-I start thinking about why the Broncos are playing like shit. I get angry at Chrissy Simms (Sports is my escape).

-I decide that I will mock the Chargers fans at work this week, as I can't go into this weekend's game lying down.

-I try to focus on nothing. I clear my mind completely. I see dark holes that come and swallow me up. I cannot physically move, when I try, but I am still somehow awake, aware that I am awake and not sleeping. My eyes twitch involuntarily and my body seems disconnected, yet I still am not asleep.

-A dog barks and I blink, shocking myself back into actual thoughts and anger that I am awake. I wonder if I will ever get to sleep. I imagine the possibility of never sleeping again and I roll over, readjusting my pillows.

-I wonder what is real and if I am maybe always asleep. I realize this is just stupid.

-I try to think about how upset I feel in the morning, as soon as my alarm goes, and I try to recapture that sleepy feeling that makes me hit the snooze button 6 times.

-A few minutes later, I believe, I actually fall asleep. I don't remember what I was thinking about then.

The moral of the story is that no one should wonder anymore why I spend so much time jotting down thoughts on my blog or doing stupid shit til all hours of the morning. I have to clear my mind and really feel dead tired to fall asleep in less than 30 minutes. Any thought unexplored that pops up or that I feel is important I have to sort out, or else it will drive me mad all night. Especially any guilt, fear or nervousness. I could drink until I pass out or take some sleeping medication but I refuse to do so on a consistent basis.

Entering my mind is kind of scary, right?

Weekend Sack-Up: I think DeMarco Sampson is still wide open

Somethings are better off not witnessed, like a murder or cakefarts (search it, I dare you. Thanks, btw, Ben Pollock for showing me this), and the second half of the CSU game Saturday was similar. I am glad I got to miss it, due to work.

Unfortunately, I was in proximity to a radio and after taking hours to figure out how it worked again (I must fiddle this nob and guess the station? What the fuck is an AM? Damn you magic music box!) I was able to listen to the final three quarters of the game. Yippee. Guess what is worse than witnessing someone getting stabbed to death? Just getting to listen to their screams. I wasn't there, and I am less afraid to ever watch any internet video suggested by a friend than to watch my Tivo'd recording of the game, but just by listening I can tell just how open DeMarco Sampson was. More open than than your favorite pornstar's orfices after TVTATM penetration. More open than the Goatse' asshole (again, I dare you). More open than IHOP. More open than the range.

Wide. Fucking. Open.

Oh well, I will address this game more in my Air Force preview (after I force myself to watch the game), but certainly the Rams pretty much need to upset Air Force if they want to have a successful (read: bowl) season. I don't think we will win our final three after losing six straight.

CSU aside, there were a few pleasant surprises this weekend. Let's look at those:

-The Avalanche are fucking awesome. Yes it early, and the hockey season is almost stupidly long (82 games, plus an early start due to the Olympics), but after 11 games the Avs lead the league with 18 points. This was supposed to be a rebuilding season, but behind stellar play from goalie Craig "Mr. Anderson" (an American, fuck yeah) the Burgundy and Blue are killing it this season.

Most importantly, the Avs have beaten the Gotdamn Red Wings twice, which is always nice. They are a fun team to watch play, attacking all over and featuring a ton of young players that are a blast to watch.

I am convinced that when Joe Sakic came to Nordiques, the front office cloned him and created someone to replace him when he retired. His name is Matt Duchene. And he is awesome. He hasn't scored much, only one goal and five assists, but this kid will soon be a star in Colorado, and would be around the nation if the NHL would promote him as much as that dead piece of wood Sidney Crosby. I really can't see wait to see how good he will be once he starts rolling and really learns the game. Becasue he is only 18. When I was 18 I was blacking out while drinking vodka every night. Now, I'm 23 and I only black out drinking vodka once a week. See, progress.

(I don't get the Crosby hype by the league. He is good, but Alex Ovechkin is the player for the NHL to market. He is flashy, hilarious, a leader, entertaining, goofy. He scores highlight-quality goals all the time. Crosby is a winner, but this is like the NBA marketing Tim Duncan all over the place to hype the league while putting LeBron on the backburner "until he becomes a winner." This is why the NHL struggles, they can't market their stars effectively. The product on the ice is great right now. Exciting hockey, limited commercials. There are fights but less of the thuggish play. Now make sure I see commercials with Overchkin scoring amaizing goals (maybe in slow motion with classical music like this, but instead an Iso camera on Overchkin...Chills. Seriously, just rip the NBA off) and then some where Ovi gets to show off his humor. Hockey players, most of them, are funny and would connect with an audience. Crosby isn't one, don't shove him down my throat)

While Duchene will be the Avs new star, his fellow rookie Ryan O'Rielly is actually out-performing him. Two guys, at 18-years old, leading a team on a remarkable turnaround. This would be huge news anywhere, but after one or two down seasons (and that pesky strike), fans and the Colorado media have forgotten about the Avalanche. Well wake the fuck up. The games are on Altitude, same channel as the Nuggs, and yes it is a whole new bunch of guys on the team since they won a cup, but that is how time works. People get old, and new guys replace them. You know that whole Denver Broncos story that everyone is getting a boner for, this Avs story is even more unlikely.

-The Nuggets are about to start. I thought they started last week. I was wrong. I am glad, because my preview was/is far from ready. I only have a picture of JR Smith. And not even a funny one implying he was cellmates with Plaxico or T.I.

They met up with the Lakers (in San Diego, which was news to me) and the two got physical. Apparently keeping up with the ugliest Kardashian is grating on Lamar Odom's nerves or maybe Birdman Andersen just stole some of Ole' Sweet Tooth's candy. Who knows, but I do know that K-Mart don't miss no trash-talking party. "FUCK YOU, ODOM! ASK KLHOE HOW MY ASS CANDY TASTE!" Too bad Dahntay Jones isn't around to battle Kobe any more. We need another expendable guy to get into a fight with him. Maybe that is Joey Graham's purpose?


-Jay Cutler continues to suck. Tossing up turnovers like a bakery. Yeah, I know El Neckbeard was lucky to beat Cincinnati, but did you even try to hold onto the football? Did you have too much SULK on your hands to throw it? I am pretty sure the Bears might want to trade you for JaMarcus. Or maybe you for the hot dog Mark Sanchez ate would be good. Fuck me, AJ probably just spent a grand at the titty bar because you depressed him so much.

I forgot to do a 6-0 picture last week, but it still rings true during the bye. Here we go:

Try #2:

Try #3: 

Well, last time the Broncos were 6-0 was in 1998. And Bubby did play a shitload in 1998 when ElwayGod suffered an injured bicep throwing thunderbolts vs. the Nomadic Raiders. 

-CU lost to Kansas State. Air Force came close vs. Utah. College football in Colorado is awesome.


-Yankees vs. Phillies. I am very glad that I don't have to hear from Angels or Doyer fans. Fuck you both. In this World Series I am rooting for rain and clouds of locust.

-In bouncing news, Phil Mickelson partied it up at my club on Thursday night. I was blissfully unaware, as I rarely pay attention to old, rich, white dudes in the club. They aren't really the troublemakers, yaknow.

On Sat. some fool from Digital Underground, Shock G, of 'Humpty Dance' fame sang a few songs. One of his entourage tried to sell me weed. I politely declined.

I also love getting to stay up until five or six in the morning and not feeling like a waste of space. Last week Boyle woke up to go to work at like 5:45 and I was up drinking a beer and watching '30 Rock.' Bet he felt like a waste of ass going to work, while I slept.

Failure? I also introduced myself to everyone by blacking out on Grey Goose at the Hard Rock, dancing with some very attractive cocktail waitresses, chugging vodka instead of champagne later and getting asked to leave the club. Allegedly. My boss did say he was impressed that I was not an angry drunk, so I've got that going for me.

I remember none of this, but Mandie did think I was a hobo when I returned home at about 1:30 and couldn't figure out how to get the gate open, shouting in failure every time I dropped my keys. This is why I am forcing myself to drink a few beers every night when I get off work, the tolerance level must rise. I think I am now at senior year of high school tolerance, and that is not a good place with a Vegas trip in two weeks.

Charger Hatin' Vol. 1: The Fans

 

#thingsthatarestupid

This week the Denver Broncos take on a team that has a very special place in my life, the San Diego Chargers. Yes, that special place is the back of the toilet where I aim when I am pissing. Every time I let loose a stream of yellow fury, I imagine Pip Rivers face yelling at me. It helps me relax, because sometimes I get a little tight, especially in public (Why are you being so difficult, Pedro? You are making me look like a weirdo who just likes to hang out in front of urinals).

Since my Denver Donkos will be invading Qualcomm on Monday night, this shall officially be Charger Bashing week. First up, we start with the worst of the worst, Chargers fans...

I could really give a fuck about Al-Queda or Osama, but if we could eradicate Chargers' fans I would be ecstatic. I mean, imagine how clear the 8 to the Beaches would be (sheds a wistful tear).Yes, Raider fans are much more visible and flagrant with their douchetastic outfits, but I also rarely have to deal with them.

Shockingly, the trouble with moving to San Diego is that there are an awful lot of San Diegans here, and most of them are Charger fans. This is weird for two reasons, because: A) San Diego is very much a transplant city B) I didn't think that migrant workers liked American football (on the subject of Futbol, suck it Costa Rica. Huson Street now off the hook for worst Fail of the Week).

The funniest thing about San Diego fans is their low expectations. At the Ralph's where I shop, they have this big ass Coke display where they have spelled out 'Chargers AFC WEST CHAMPS' in Diet Coke boxes. Creative? Yes. Hilarious? To me, oh hells yes.

Chargers fan: "WAHOOO! WE WENT 8-8 AND ONLY MADE THE PLAYOFFS BECAUSE THE OTHER TEAM FELL THE FUCK APART. Celebrate good times. Only seven other teams accomplished this last year. We beat out three other teams, two of whom were the Chiefs and the Raiders. Suck it, Denver.

Wow, honey. They are selling the Chargers AFC West Championship t-shirts for $16 here. What, I know that is two hours of my salary at Church's Chicken. Okay, fine, Ralph's is a little too exorbitant for us anyway. I bet they'll have some at the Food4Less for like $13. Oh man, can't wait to wear this thing when I see my probation officer on Monday."

On a plane to San Diego last summer a Chargers boo'd my Broncos shirt as I went to take a piss, and started talking shit about winning the AFC West. I took my piss, visualized Rivers, and planned on ignoring him, but I heard him talking shit to his friends the whole time while.  So, on my way back to my seat I just asked, "How many Super Bowls have you guys won?" and kept walking. He had no retort and sputtered something stupid, but if he did say anything I was going to drop, "And you know Holliday touched home." Glad it didn't come to that.

San Diegoans also apparently know the unspoken rule in world that black people don't wear the jerseys of white guys (unless they are badass throwbacks), but I have seen way too many black people rocking Marmalard jerseys in this town. I guess they would rather wear the jersey of a grade-A cockwallet than one of a giant pussy.

Seriously, Todd McFarlane made his LaToeinjury "Action Figure" into a lacktion figure. 

Even when the Broncos had Cutler and I loved his right arm, I was aware that he was douche. But Chargers' fans talk about Rivers like he is the Patron Saint of Quarterbacks. Get off his fucking dick, he isn't even as good as Stan Humphries after his 12th concussion.

I guess, other than Rivers or Tomlinson, the choices are pretty limited for SD fans. I don't understand how Chargers fans cheer for these guys. They feature a bigger collection of dicks than are present for a Kaci Starr gangbang scene (Google pornstars from Carbondale, CO if you are confused, no pic linking on this one). I mean, do you want a jersey that says you support a woman beater (Merriman), a couple of drunk driving receivers (Vincent Jackson and Chris Chambers), a super-high and erratic kicker (ask WD Scherle for more info on Keadding), etc. And there is no possible way that a Sproles jersey will fit a human over the age of six. Speaking of which... 

Here are 5 Things that are bigger than Darren Sproles:
1) My last duece. And it was pretty small, by my standards.
2) The baby from the E-Trade commericals
3) The average IQ of the Kardashian family
4) My chances of ever getting married (self burn, what?)
5) The world's tiniest violin

Aside: All of that talk of the horrible jersey choices SD fans have made me realize that I really want a B-Marsh jersey, because he encompasses everything into one fantastic Meast (Man-Beast) package.
 
In conclusion, there is only one Chargers fan that I don't mind looking at...

...but, like all the other Chargers fans, as soon as her mouth opens I will want to punch her square in the face and kick her as she falls.

RaiderHatin'

Even though I have much more hate for the current incarnation of the Chargers (Marmalard, Merrirapeman, Drunken V-Jack from Greeley, etc.) my hatred of Oakland courses through my veins similar to the hate between the Catholics and Protestants in Ireland. I don't know why I hate them, it is more just the fact that they exist. I even might like a couple of players (I mean, Erik Pears is a former Rams' player), but I still hate the whole fucking "Raider Nation."

There are a ton of reasons why, and here are my favorites:
Tom Cable: What an epic douche. Plus he used to coach at CU. And was once a hobo coach.

Cable was homeless. He had no car. He had little meal money. Twenty
year's later, nothing from his early resume suggests he could become the
head coach of the Oakland Raiders.

"That was about rock bottom," Cable said. "I didn't have a thing to my
name. I was broke as can be. I'm telling you, that was tough. Tough,
tough times."

So, all-in-all, the perfect resume bulletpoints to impress Al Davis.

Ice Cube: Did we not learn from the '85 Bears that songs about a team are fucking stupid? Well, Mr. Are We There Yet decided to recently release this ditty (diddy?). Brilliant. If you were going for that bak-alley-abortion-for-the-ears music? This is probably the only flow recently worse than Jay-Z's on 'Young Forever,' so I guess it has that going for it.

Al Davis: This one is too easy, but really:

Silver and Black: Some family once named their child "Silver Anne Black." While creative, I am afraid that she already has a spot in the Bike Gang Whore Hall of Fame.

"Go Raiders": Unfortunately in 2007 Oakland lost their biggest fan Robert Charles Cormer passed away from natural causes, but before passing his last words were "Go Raiders."

"Wait," you might say, "doesn't the article say that he was put to death for killing and murdering people."

Yes he was, and I find that to be a perfectly natural death for a Raider fan (ZING-ZADANG).

Matt Holliday: Yes, I know that is a different sport, and I love Cargo, Huson and the thought that Greg Smith could be decent, and I know that our team is fine without him, but I will forever hold Oakland responsible for taking away my big ole Paul Bunyan who ripped the hearts out of the Padres in 2007 by not touching home plate.

And Finally, A List of Things: That will take longer than a JaMarcus Russell highlights.
"A List of Things" is a little recurring feature on this blog. It will be full of snarky and snide comments mocking someone or something. There is a 100% chance that Darren Sproles, Clint Barmes and Dan Hawkins will make appearances at some point in the future.

Some asshole from NFL.com, at the conclusion of the Raiders games, put together a highlight for J-Mark-Us that features "Big Fat QB" completing four passes. I am actually convinced they might be all four passes he completed all day.

You could watch the video in less time than it would take:
...Usain Bolt to run 100-meters.
...A virgin Star Wars fan to finish banging Megan Fox while she rocks Princess Leia buns.
...Shaq to get eliminated during a spelling bee.
...Me to compile a list of Soulja Boi Tell 'Em's greatest hits.
...Harry Carey to pronounce Pete Kontodiakos' last name.
...Dexter Fowler to go first-to-third on a Todd Helton opposite field single.
...To read this sentence.
...Al Davis to chug a cup of assistant coach Blood.