The Weekend Sack-Up: A Charlie Brown Christmas

Yes, that above picture is pretty much what the Broncos have done to me in each of the last three years. Look at how professional it is.

I should have know better. I should just stop watching, like my parents have (they went whale watching, didn't see one, and still had a better day than me). I even told Boyle that they were going to make it close and then break my heart. Just like I called it last week. Yet they keep pulling me back. Next week I will wake up to watch the early games, convince myself the Broncos have a chance, only to get kicked in the gut at the last possible instant. I should try heroin, as it might be far easier to catch the dragon than be happy with the Broncos.

-Edy pointed out on his Tweeter page that the Broncos defensive celebration is pretty much "N-gga's gotta eat," and Darrell Reid's Twitter seconds that notion. This was the best moment of the game, as he celebrates the fumble he forced that allowed Denver back into the game. I take special pride in the fact that I Tweeted: "Fumble on the kickoff. I'm callin it" only to have it happen just seconds later. I really am Nostradamus.

(Alternate caption was something akin to "Look at my JFK Jr. impression", but I couldn't actually go there. See, I do have a bit of a moral compass. Plus it isn't really current. I'm glad there haven't been any plane crashes lately)

(I wish Twitter would pay me five bucks per mention)

-Yeah, and then this happened. The Savaged joke is due to the fact that the punter's name is Sav Rocca. What a great porn name.

-Excuses are for assholes, and I am an asshole, so:

1. For at least the second straight game, the Broncos opponent wasn't called for one holding penalty. Wicked awesome. And then, with the Broncos pinned deep and the season on the line, the refs threw two flags for holding on the Broncos. Justified, yes, but I am sure the Eagles held at least once.

2. Questionable penalties on Champ and Wesley Woodyard (even Fuckwad Simms Sr. said he didn't see a thing) kept alive an Eagles drive, that gave them their only TD in the second half.

3. There was that little rape that kinda pissed Stokes off

4. And then they tossed him for barely slapping a ref's pinkie.

5. Why did the clock stop after Orton's run with 1:50 left in the game? The Eagles declined the penalty and didn't take a time out. Should have been about 1:10 left when the Broncos punted. Not really a big deal, but the refs were fucking up all day long. Glad the Broncos got a marquee crew.

-This game should be another example of why going for it on fourth down is good. Denver has a 4-and-4ish on there own 13. DeSean Jackson is a great returner. Mitch Berger sucks my balls. Why don't the Broncos go for it? Even changing the field 40 yards in that situation barely takes the Eagles out of field goal range. Giving them the ball at the 45 or the 15 isn't much of a difference with 1:50 left.

It may actually have improved the Denver situation, as you basically have four outcomes after the 3rd down play:
1) What happened.
2) Denver punts and the Eagles take over at midfield. Denver stops them and the game goes to OT.
3) Denver goes for it, gets the first down and then is able to keep control of the clock/drive for a score.
4) Eagles get the ball, in field goal range. Eagles probably don't do anything much on offense, just run it three times and kick a field goal. Denver gets the ball back after the kickoff with about a minute left.

We know the offense has the upper hand in the NFL, so I would rather take my shot at picking up four yards rather than give Donovan McNabb the chance to pick up about 10 yards.

Random Celebrity Shit: So Wild Thing Vaughn Charlie Sheen was arrested in Aspen for beating up his wife, yet I had to see his an goddamn awful Hanes commercials non-stop during the game. Yet El Tigre can't be found. Uhhhh?

On one hand you have: A) a decent actor who is a woman-beater, drug-abuser, adulterer, child-porn loving asshole who made me feel sympathy for retarded Denise Richards by leaving her a voicemail threatening to kill her and calling her the N-bomb illogically, or: B) the best golfer in the world who happened to bang everything that moved and killed a fire hydrant.

Seems the obvious choice to sell me underpants is option A. I would never want to buy a razor because of that other asshole. AMERICA you need to figure your shit out.

Avalanche: While the Broncos consistently kick me in the taint, the Avs are as annoyingly bi-polar. They kick ass one night, then blow a two-goal lead in the last 10 minutes of regulation, then come back to kick ass again. Still, they are first in the division, which is pretty damn unexpected. Chris Stewart is killin' it. And he is black. So guess who my new favorite player is? Fooled ya. It is still Matty Duchene, but Stewie's awesomeness has been crucial for the Avs in the last 20 games.

Nuggets: Not really a big fan of what they have been up to. JR finally going off is nice, but the fact that Chauncey is banged up makes me worry. We need to get another big man as well. More to come soon when I discuss the first-1/3 of the NBA season with the Ice Cream Edy.

Go Fuck Yourself: I'm going to try to add this in every week.  I am going to tell someone to fuck off. This week, it is Stan Van Gundy:

Hey Stan,

Remember when you bitched about the NBA playing games on Christmas. You actually said:

"I actually feel sorry for people who have nothing to do on Christmas Day other than watch an NBA game."

Well, go fuck yourself. Most of us are sick of talking to our families and need something to fill the awkward gaps. Like when I don't know what to say to my soon-to-be step Grandma, you know what fills the gap? Screaming at Kobe.

So sad you didn't get to spend time with your family like you wanted to, but you probably should have thought of your family before you signed up to coach in a sport where you play 82 FUCKING regular season games a year. By the way, Stan, you make millions. You can afford to have Christmas like 30 times a year.

Like any NBA players want to have Christmas off anyway. They would be like Vince Vaughn and Reece Witherspoon in 4 Christmases. Which illegitimate family are they going to choose? Isiah Jr.'s baby momma or Isiah II? Like they want to see Taneshwa again so she can serve them more paternity papers? No way. They can't be in Harlem, San Diego and Houston in the same day. There are greater odds that an NBA player will be in the same town with his child IF they are sent on the road.

GO FUCK YOURSELF

P.S. You look like Ron Jeremy.


Colorado State: Covered in my previous pregaming post. Let's beat some Fresno ass like we are in New Mexico, ya dig?


Joel Dreessen balled out for the Oilers Texans today. Bawse.


Tweet of the Week: The Mike Donovan: "A horse finished second in the voting for AP female athlete of the year! A horse! Congrats Serena you beat a friggin horse."

In Da Club: Not too much going down. Some fool from the Nebraska coaching staff offered me tickets to the Holliday Bowl to sneak into the club. I have to work that night, so no dice for him. Apparently we always charge $50 a head when busy. That is mucho dinero.


New Year's Eve should be awful fun. Awful in that it will be redonkulessly busy with shit shows all over. Fun in that I expect someone to offer me hundreds of dollars to come in.

As well, my boss says that I should basically expect to get raped by drunken girls. Which, depending on the situation and looks of the girl, could range wildly on the enjoyment scale. Whether or not you care, I will share.


This Week: NBA update with Edy and hopefully some new Jersey Shore action.

Shout-out: To Kilometers, for his awesome birthday gift that I finally put into action. The African-American Heritage Game for Kids is now an awesome drinking game. Boyle and I put our heads together and drunkeness exploded. Bong couldn't handle the punishment and spent this morning imitating a dragon.

The Weekend Sack-Up: JaMarcus Russell Ate My Dreams

How? How the fuck did that happen? JaMarcus "Big Fat Waste of Life" Russell just shat triumphantly on the Broncos. The man born to throw interceptions somehow managed to drive about 80 yards in the final minutes of a game to beat the Broncos by one fucking point.

The best part of it all? This happened literally seconds after watching the Chargers win in some truely cuntastic fashion. Cinci had just managed to tie up the Chargers and was 15 seconds from going to OT. All they had to do was keep the Chargers in bounds, as SD has no timeouts left. They weren't going to try a 67-yard field goal. Instead the bumblefuck DBs for the Bengals shit themselves and gave up a 15-yard out pattern and Nate Kaeding kicked a fucking bomb to win the game.

When that kick went through I knew the Broncos were going to find a way to lose. It was in the cards. I think I have some theories why:

-God hates me and wants to punish me. Probably for the fact that I habitually masturbate and am generally a bad person. And for making fun of Brittany Murphy (Seriously, her greatest role was as the 3rd lead in Clueless. Gimme a break. Aston Kutcher ditching January Jones for her and then moving on to Demi Moore has got to be the world's biggest Punk'd episode. I think Brittany was going to spill the beans so Aston had to have her killed. Or she was just going to out him for being gay).
 

-Someone teach the Broncos coaches the Heimlich maneuver. Damn.

-The Broncos defense is all about eating. They mime eating after big plays on defense, Darrell Reid's Twitter talks about not eating lunch or breakfast and going to the game hungry, etc. Well, guess what? JaMarcus' fat ass is always hungry. He is just a big, hungry Bammer. JaMarcus can out eat everybody. He is like that Kobiyashi guy. Mow, Mow, Mow. Always eating. Which is why, as soon as Charlie Frye got KTFO (Cue Chris Tucker: Knocked the FUCK out!) it made perfect sense for the Big Fat QB to come eat everything, especially my dreams.

-The refs sucked donkey balls. D-Reid and the Broncos defensive linemen couldn't eat, especially on that last drive, because they were getting mouth-raped by Raiders lineman. And B-Marsh was held at least two times in the end zone by Raiders cornerbacks, yet got no calls. But Broncos DBs were flagged twice on the last drive to keep it alive. Andre Goodman, what the fuck were you thinking? That pass interference on 3rd-and-29 was really helpful.

Rewatching the last drive, Robert Ayers has a clear shot to go after JaMarcus on the fourth-and-10, but after he beats two guys he gets tackled from behind. No one likes to blame the refs, but sometimes you have to point it out. But the refs didn't run all over the Broncos. The Broncos tackling made the Raiders' backs look like they were Chris Troxel (wonder what happened to that kid) and McLovin trying to stop Adrian Peterson in Red Rover (That is a confusing sentence, but I STICK BY IT.)

-Maybe the Refs had lasers in their eyes.

-Knowshown doesn't know how to score at the goalline. Before the Broncos last field goal, all he had to do on the second down run was outrun the Raiders to the Pylon, but he tried to cut up the field too soon. He can't run over people in the pros and he isn't an everydown back. Please try Peyton Hillis or Lamont Jordon instead. Fuck, those option aren't that great either.

-Big, talented, troubled WR. Learn from Chris.

-We lost to this Buzzcock. We don't deserve playoffs.

In the club: Work has been really boring. Only one semi-interesting thing: My boss had to kick out a one-armed man who was punching someone, and all he could think about was how he was going to handcuff him if he had to. A lofty question.

I also got another free night of drinking with my entire work crew. This time I waited until I left the club to black out. Then my boss, trying to show off his impressive Judo skills or something, Karate Kid-style swept my leg, sending me ass over teakettle into a bench. So even if I wasn't blacked out before, I added a concussion and head wound to the equation. Slept like a fucking baby though.


So if this is a little disoriented, it isn't because I was drunk this time, it is just that I now understand how it is to think like Troy Aikman.


CSU Football: On the rise. We just signed a 4-star QB in Pete Thomas. That is ballin' as shit. And he is from ballin' as shit San Diego and going to enroll at CSU for the Spring. I think I should stalk find him to make sure he is up to the CSU QB dranking standard. BVP was plum hammered all the time. Justin Holland has been blacked out every time I have met him, so that explains why he threw the football around with less care as than Kappa at Wash Bar (Last year Holland gave Nasty N one of the three beers he had pilfered from Drunken Monkey before they closed). Billy Farris crashed parties at my house. Eastman is Mormon, he doesn't have the drinking chops. Uncle Nico might be a threat, but I'm not sure I want Guidos leading my team. Borky hangs out with Forristall, so I'm gonna say he is far too dumb to play QB; that kid lowers IQs like no ones business. Get after it, Pete, grab that Keystone Light and lead the Rams to the promised land (which is hopefully a Poinsettia Bowl bid. That would be a nice present for me next Christmas).

CU Football: Trending down. CU's ex-QB James Cox may be the newest employee at my club. Any and all comments about the difference of value between CSU and CU degrees can now be throw out the fucking window. A former football player at a "supposedly" better school should have better connections than I, right? Or maybe our schools are basically even, minus the fact that WE BEAT YOUR ASSES AT EVERYTHING THIS YEAR.


CSU Basketball: Trending up. We kicked the Buffs ass and then snuck by some Big Sky teams. 8-3 is already almost better than last season. They go for win #9 tomorrow at UCLA and I will be in attendance. I might just rush the court if we win, even though UCLA sucks. I'll just pretend we beat Bill Walton, Lew Alcindor and John Wooden.

Fact: CSU actually beat UCLA in 1961, a year UCLA went to the final four and was coached by Wooden. Fact: This shocked the shit out of me.
Fact: Jesse Carr is back, which means classic quotes like this one: (/Dwight Schrute)
"It's not like we're playing pud teams, either. We're getting in good games, and everyone's giving us their best shot."
Only someone from Ainsworth, NE would use the phrase "pud teams." Or someone from Carbondale.

Plus they have a sweet reality TV show. Sadly it is one year late to fully capture the greatness that I would have been. My journalism skills would really have shown up. Plus they had some CSU Media basketball game. That would have been my moment to shine. Miles would have asked me to walk on. This blog would be fucking bigger than Club Trillion. Why was I not born one-year later? Why did I graduate in such rapid fashion? I want to go back to college.Or onto an MTV show.

Tweets of the Week: 
Tjedy: When faced with a tough decision, ask yourself WWTSD: What Would 'The Situation' Do?
Messiahthadon: @tjedy I think the answer to every question is to take your shirt off
The_Real_Pat: @Messiahthadon and coincidentally, that's how @tjedy solves every problem.
-Again, if you don't have Twitter you are doing it wrong.

Not Jay Cutler: Looks like I should cross Brittany Murphy off my "Famous chicks to bang" list.

Nuggets: Trending down. Get your shit together. 1/3 of the season update with Edy will come soon. Or at his pace, we might be lucky to get it done by the fucking all-star game.

Avs: Semi-upwardslopish. As long as they aren't against the fighting Ovies, the Avs are doing pretty well.


Happy Holidays: I didn't get any of you bastards anything. That is a lie. Someday, when I am rich and famous, you will be the people that get to say "I like Sack when he started out, but that Douchezilla really sold out." So I am giving you the most precious gifts of all: Haughtiness and spite. If those were entities, this blog would be gushing like a fucking gyser.

Merry Birdmas, have a super Shawn Greenuka, a lovely Kwanza Kilpatrick, whatever. Give some gifts and whatnot.

RaiderHatin'

Even though I have much more hate for the current incarnation of the Chargers (Marmalard, Merrirapeman, Drunken V-Jack from Greeley, etc.) my hatred of Oakland courses through my veins similar to the hate between the Catholics and Protestants in Ireland. I don't know why I hate them, it is more just the fact that they exist. I even might like a couple of players (I mean, Erik Pears is a former Rams' player), but I still hate the whole fucking "Raider Nation."

There are a ton of reasons why, and here are my favorites:
Tom Cable: What an epic douche. Plus he used to coach at CU. And was once a hobo coach.

Cable was homeless. He had no car. He had little meal money. Twenty
year's later, nothing from his early resume suggests he could become the
head coach of the Oakland Raiders.

"That was about rock bottom," Cable said. "I didn't have a thing to my
name. I was broke as can be. I'm telling you, that was tough. Tough,
tough times."

So, all-in-all, the perfect resume bulletpoints to impress Al Davis.

Ice Cube: Did we not learn from the '85 Bears that songs about a team are fucking stupid? Well, Mr. Are We There Yet decided to recently release this ditty (diddy?). Brilliant. If you were going for that bak-alley-abortion-for-the-ears music? This is probably the only flow recently worse than Jay-Z's on 'Young Forever,' so I guess it has that going for it.

Al Davis: This one is too easy, but really:

Silver and Black: Some family once named their child "Silver Anne Black." While creative, I am afraid that she already has a spot in the Bike Gang Whore Hall of Fame.

"Go Raiders": Unfortunately in 2007 Oakland lost their biggest fan Robert Charles Cormer passed away from natural causes, but before passing his last words were "Go Raiders."

"Wait," you might say, "doesn't the article say that he was put to death for killing and murdering people."

Yes he was, and I find that to be a perfectly natural death for a Raider fan (ZING-ZADANG).

Matt Holliday: Yes, I know that is a different sport, and I love Cargo, Huson and the thought that Greg Smith could be decent, and I know that our team is fine without him, but I will forever hold Oakland responsible for taking away my big ole Paul Bunyan who ripped the hearts out of the Padres in 2007 by not touching home plate.

And Finally, A List of Things: That will take longer than a JaMarcus Russell highlights.
"A List of Things" is a little recurring feature on this blog. It will be full of snarky and snide comments mocking someone or something. There is a 100% chance that Darren Sproles, Clint Barmes and Dan Hawkins will make appearances at some point in the future.

Some asshole from NFL.com, at the conclusion of the Raiders games, put together a highlight for J-Mark-Us that features "Big Fat QB" completing four passes. I am actually convinced they might be all four passes he completed all day.

You could watch the video in less time than it would take:
...Usain Bolt to run 100-meters.
...A virgin Star Wars fan to finish banging Megan Fox while she rocks Princess Leia buns.
...Shaq to get eliminated during a spelling bee.
...Me to compile a list of Soulja Boi Tell 'Em's greatest hits.
...Harry Carey to pronounce Pete Kontodiakos' last name.
...Dexter Fowler to go first-to-third on a Todd Helton opposite field single.
...To read this sentence.
...Al Davis to chug a cup of assistant coach Blood.