First off, I hate almost everything about the actual X-Games. Especially the douchey X in the name that helped spawned X-treme deodorant and X-treme douche rags. The X-Games are the sports equivalent to Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus, designed for those aged 8-16 but for some reason popular with those college aged. Plus, I hate:
-The fucking way people talk ("sick nasty pow-pow"). Especially when those same people tend to get on me for "talking black."
-The awful commentary ("Wow, bro, [insert name of snowboarder] is really going huge. Aspen, make some noise to help him even though he is listening to Atmosphere on his headphones right now and so high he doesn't know what country he is in.")
-How ridiculous the sponsorship is ("Let's go to Super Gay Sal Masakala at the Jeep Pizza Roll Taco Bell ESPN Trophy Stage, sponsored by the US Navy), especially since snowboarders and X-athletes were never going to sell out and were such REBELS, brosef. You fags sold out quicker than Tickle Me Elmo dolls in 2000.
-Shaun White. He wins everything. Even the SnowCrosXtreme. And if he doesn't win, no one fucking knows any of the other people. Because unless you are actually related to or went to preschool with one of the athletes (like I did with Peter Olenick /namedrop) then you couldn't really give two shits about who wins.
With all the negative out of the way, there are two positives to the X-Games:
1) Everyone from the Roaring Fork Valley collects their group of shithead friends and brings them home for a weekend of drinking, debauchery, a free concert, as little actual X-Games events as possible and drinking. It is awesome. Almost Xtra-awesome.
2) Sometimes people fall spectacularly and break like 50 bones. Sadly, this has gone down since they got rid of Frozen MotoXtreme (who would have thought that would be dangerous?)
The X-Games spawned some awesome stories, so I will attempt to share the best ones, in chronic-logical order. I'm sure I forgot some, so make sure to remind me. As you will see, there was much drinking, smoking and a startling number of near-death experiences.
2005: Freshman Year
Number of Guests: 7
Missouri Heights Sack Residence
-After months of asking who wanted to attend, and finally settling on seven hall mates, two more decided they were just about an hour before we left. I told them no. They said they would come anyway. Saying they would sleep in a car in my driveway and were going to do it no matter what. They then left voice mails suggesting that they in fact came up anyway and wanted to fight us all for leaving them behind. They actually never showed. A pretty good joke, thinking back.
-The first night, while at a good ole Bonedale party in a garage, a fight broke out between two Carbondale kids. It wouldn;t have been a big deal, except each had their college friends with them, who then joined in. The hostess of the party also shut off the lights right in the middle of fight, to "help," leading to complete chaos. My friends didn't get involved, because they were so high they thought Indians were sneaking up on them from the woods. They all just stood outside and watched the fight through the windows, like it was some sort of TV show.
-The Actor was on of the hall mates on the trip and, like almost everyone , had purchased a small baggie of MaryWeed from the Dealer (also on the trip). Well, at some point during the weekend, he lost this bag and made a statement that it could have been at my house. I wasn't really perturbed, as my parents are chill, but this lost bag of weed would play a focal point on the next trip.
-The free concert was the Roots, and it was the best concert I have ever been able to attend. If you get a chance, do not miss the Roots. They are fucking awesome.
-The Actor, Doodie, the Dealer and the Sad Panda all left on the final Sunday, to get home early. Which was a terrible idea because of Sunday ski traffic, but that would soon be the least of their worries. Heading through Glenwood Canyon, the Actor's Explorer nearly had a rock fall on top of it. They got lucky one of them (or more) wasn't crushed, but the rock rolled under the car, fucking up a tire. So they then spent several hours getting repairs, barely beating the group that left that evening back to Fort Collins.
2006: Sophomore Year
Number of Guests: 8
Ranch at Roaring Fork Casa
-The Dealer, Cartman and Doodie, were pulled over and given paraphernalia tickets in Longmont or somewhere at the very beginning of the trip. This delayed them quite a bit.
-My car arrived pretty early and we went to a party at Teej's house. By the time the Dealer's crew came, I was all sorts of tore up while they were relatively sober. Once we got back to my house, the Actor and I began arguing over the baggie of weed from the previous year. I was pretty blacked out, but according to reports I yelled:
"My parents found your weed, they told me."
"I've known my parents. I've known them for 20 years."
"You LOST THE WEED."
To make matters worse, I kept repeating those lines all while my parents slept about 30 feet away. Fortunately, they use a fan to make noise and put in ear plugs when I have guests, so they truthfully heard none of it.
-I had not asked my parents if they found the actors weed. It finally came up this year, and as it turns out, they did not find it. I probably owe the Actor an apology, but I think the statute of limitations is up.
-The concert was Damian Marley, which was pretty good. The highlight was Stubbs pissing on some kid during the concert and then narrowly avoiding a public urination ticket after the concert. Also, a some of the group tried to sneak onto a RFTA bus through a broken window post-concert, but got caught.
2007: Junior Year
Number of Guests: 6
RRF Casa
-The Marine, D-Fresh, Kilometers, Wheel got faded while I drove to the mountains. We also got awesome X-treme temp tattoos at a Taco Bell prior to arrival.
-We played the most epic game of Zoomie-Zoomie ever at Jam's house. It probably lasted for 3 hours.
-At the conclusion of the party, D-Fresh was subject to the bait-and-switch routine, as he was lured into a car by the promise of one girl and then passed onto another girl. We may have known this was a possibility, but sandbagged him anyway. And then, when he was frantically calling for escape, we ignored his calls and watched him get hauled away. He then woke up the next morning at a strange house with no cell phone reception. We may be bad friends, but at least we weren't cockblocks, right?
-The concert was Common, who sucked. The highlight was watching people throw snowballs at him and the opening acts. There was so much booze snuck into the park that my father, who worked for the city, said they had to have volunteers picking up glass all the way until May.
-Following the concert, we made our way to a local bar, and then we were supposed to all take the bus home together. All of my friends decided to bail on the frantic push to get onto the RFTA buses that would take us home, instead ditching me to get a ride from Aaron Carter Jr. Well, the plan was not to let anyone drive, because we had all been drinking, but they went ahead. Slightly drunk ACII then went a little too fast down Buttermilk Road, hitting some ice and doing a "720 Cliffsyde Spin," scaring the shit out of everyone in the car. Luckily no one, not even the Range, was hurt.
-On my bus ride home, I was basically followed home by a girl that wanted to get with ACII. She came to my house, stuff happened, I assume, and then I decided that my parents wouldn't be down with some random whore popping up the next morning, so I demanded that he "Get that whore out of my house." So ACII had to take another drive to get take her home, this one much less eventful.
2008: Senior Year, Lap 1
Number of Guests: 0
I was sick of X-Games and skipped it. There was no concert, so I said fuck it.
2009: Post Grad Internship
Number of Guests: 3
Parental-less RRF Casa
-About a half of a mile I was pulled over heading out of Foco for "Failure to Yield." Not a big deal, if Kilometers and Rubric hadn't baked a fresh batch of pot brownies for the weekend.
-The pot brownies did come in handy during the Pennywise concert, which was pretty awesome.
-The main highlight was Tommy Frazier headbutting and splitting open my eyebrow during an argument about "Asshole" that was still going hours after anyone remembers playing Asshole.
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