NBA w/ Edy All-Star Bonanza

Well, this took Forever to put together mostly because Edy sucks at life and because when he finally got around to fulfilling his duties my computer decided I had downloaded too much porn, music and stupid pics of Marmalard to continue. RIP 2005 Dell. You served me well.

Anyway, we welcome back Edy and his shenagins to discuss the NBA's fiery half. Keep in mind; A) I have spent much of the last few months boycotting the NBA B) I'm trying to type this while on an iPhone, C) Edy will speak in italics or should, but Blogger is being quite the silly little faggot about this.

We finally are doing this:

Worst prediction from our preview: Well, I have to go with my Wizards/Gilbert combo. That was a gamble that didn't pay off (rimshot). I just gave it my best shot (guitar riff). I knew Gil used to be a shoot-first player and he was looking to get other players their shots (cymbal crash). It's a good thing they changed the team name to Wizards so that there were no Bullets in that locker room. /End of shitty Leno jokes.


I just love how Pucak’s one major go-out-on-a-limb prediction backfired (had to say it) right in his face. His guy isn’t even playing anymore. And the Wizards are a bottom feeder in a poor Eastern
Conference. Things I enjoy: Calling Pucak out when he is wrong on all accounts.

Uggggghhhhh. I already wrote about this, so I won't get into it too much, only to say that I will be breaking my NBA boycott soon. I now know how long Gil is suspended, and I guess the rest of the season is appropriate. I had a dream he signed with the Magic for next season, which would be pretty sweet.

The only good news for me on the improved player/team front is that Washington and Houston, Edy's pick, are both tied for 11th in their respective conferences. Just don't look at their records, please.

(Pucak uses a classic Edy tactic in an effort to compare the two, too bad their records say otherwise… 17-32 vs. 27-23…. Uhhh, no brainer)
Pucak struggling early after an 0-2 start.

Now, I know my surprise team, Houston, has not performed that well. They “let go” a guy who was making nearly 23 MILLION this year, in
T-Mac. Yes, this year, look it up. They have no true scorer, but are surrounded with a bunch of guys I would want on my team, ala Shane Battier. Needless to say they are only one game out of the West playoffs (Feb. 3).

Turns out I was wrong about Emaka Okafor (DOY), Ramon Sessions(Surprise Player) and Dallas being a disappointing team... oops.

I also almost had a terrible prediction about Greg Oden being the most improved player, especially after he blew up his knee. BUT after naked pictures of Greg and his third arm showed up on the interwebs and he apologized by saying "he had grown a lot" since. I think this qualifies as improvement.

Greg Oden: Where making white girls swoon happens (Literally, my girlfriend wouldn’t stop staring. I then gave her the “reality” of the situation and performed a short demonstration with my fist. She then did the “Melo grimace” and walked off.) Somehow this was swept under the rug with a short apology from Greg. Probably the most publicity he will get all season. I still don’t get the logic in standing in front of a mirror to take a picture of your anaconda in hopes to find it a home in an unsuspecting white girl’s pork sauna. Maybe it’s an athlete thing. I guess this is improvement.

Nene: Earlier this season, Edy went off on Twitter, saying: "Random thought of the night: Nuggets need to cut their loses with Nene and move on. Never became the player we thought.
-"Every year we think he will be allstar worthy, just never is."
-"Inconsistency kills him Not a defensive star to make it worth it."
-"Let's not forget that he's been in the L for 7 years, at some point we have to realize, this is who he is. #ComingToGrips"

While Nene hasn't been a stud, getting the 20-10 that Edy thinks he should get, he should have been an all-star this season.

If you don't think he has played well, how do you explain him and K-Mart being the two consistent performers for the Nuggs while Melo, JR and Chauncey sat out. He is pouring in 14 and grabbling over 8 rebounds per game, often times as the fourth or fifth option. If he played on a team that didn't have quite so many scorers he would be getting 20-10. He does everything the Nuggets ask; scores almost 60% of the time he touches the ball, plays tough interior defense on the opposing teams center (even leading the team in steals), grabs boards and doesn't get pissy when he gets less touches than the stars.

Shit, almost any team in the league would kill for him, and if we could get one more big man on this squad to help Nene switch to the 4 the Nuggs might be able to take LA.

Thanks for the alley-oop, Pucak. This past Monday, the Nuggets hosted the Kings, a team that they struggle to matchup with. On paper, Nene should have dominated the front court as he was going up against the likes of Spencer Hawes, Jason Thompson and Jon Brockman… Nene finished with a “stellar” 14 and 6 on 6-of-10 shooting as the Nuggets got outrebounded by 15. If it wasn’t for Kmart playing like an all-star this past month (finished with a 24 and 12), we would have lost a few.

You’re correct Pucak, Nene doesn’t bitch about not getting the ball, because he doesn’t care! Unnamed sources say Nene is going to retire after his contract is up in two years… We will see. The only
consistent thing about Nene this season has been his left-handed finger roll/dunk move. It’s a guaranteed two points, he’s just the only one in building not to realize it. Anytime you’re huge and
athletic while constantly having mismatches down low, but still have the opportunity to play like a bitch, you have to take it right?? This is annoying, and I’m starting to annoy myself. I’ll stop now.

JR Smith's struggles: He has not shot the ball well at all this year. Why? I'm thinking two things; 1) He spent some of the summer in the pokey and then was suspended, so he never got in rhythm. 2) He is now signed to Young Money Athletes which means he officially has to be on top of the game for a few months and then spend the rest of the time singing dipshit autotune crap.

I thoroughly enjoy JR’s YM connections. I wish I could say that about his defense and overall attitude toward the game.

Melo vs. Chauncey for Nuggs MVP: I am going with Chauncey. He has carried the team when Melo is out, but the team has bombed without Chauncey. He cares not about himself but for the team. Plus, he has come up with some huge performances, like dropping all those bombs on the bitch ass Lakers. (and there were about 10 more paragraphs here, but then my computer shit the bed.

Toss up right now. Although no other player on the roster will vie for team MVP, Kmart and Aaron Afflalo have been playing lights out as of late. Breaking news: Kmart has a brain and is using it. He realized that he needs to step up in Melo’s absence. And AA is on a whole ‘nother level. Making some huge shots down the stretch. We need to keep this guy.

Side note: The majority of the Nuggets’ last name roster resides in the first three letters of the alphabet. Afflalo, Allen, Andersen, Anthony, Balkman, Billups, Carter. Yeah I know, third quarters of NBA games bore me.

Melo's chances for MVP: He needs to have a few crazy games down the stretch and it wouldn't hurt if Bron-Bron got hurt. He isn't bionic, right? He just missed too much time. But I still feel he is first team All-NBA worthy.

Melo’s injuries will hurt him in the long run, but I think this will make him better in the playoffs. He lets things go to his head too easily (i.e. scoring title) and it affects his game. My prediction: He
finishes 5th.

Nuggets LVP: George Karl, hands down. You know it’s a bad thing when ANY inbounds play that results in a turnover at ANY level of basketball has people saying “They ran the George Karl. FUCK, they ran the Karl!” (hands immediately go to the head)… I really wonder what goes on in the timeout preceding an inbounds play. It’s almost likeGK just hands over coaching duties to high-as-fuck Balkman. We would be much better off running the “Helen Keller,” where everyone just
runs around with their eyes closed, setting picks and ‘feeling’ out the defense.

The Birdman. Injuries and non-contract year have killed him, but he isn't performing as well as we need. He needs to get his shit together.


I know Simmons loves him, but when do we start hating Durant? I mean, when he finally beat us once. He is going to get annoying real soon.

Except, not really… Not sure how you can hate Durant. Seems like a good guy, odds are that he has a smaller cock than Oden. Pure scorer and is getting progressively better from the field. These guys may be scary in the playoffs.

The Durant lovefest is over for me. He already gets more calls than Melo and is way less aggressive.

Favorite Underground Story of the Year: Sandiata Gaines or whatever. 

Does anyone else realize that none of the Nuggets have been in any legal trouble this year???? The NBA,….. It’s FAANNtastic.


Headlines I don’t want to see: “Nuggets may bring back Camby”….. Mark Warkenstein, you know better to bring back that frail piece of shit we
call “defense.” Pucak would do a better job on the defensive end, he’s white and extremely uncoordinated.

Only thing worse would be "Nuggets trade for Najera, Boykins." God I hate those assholes. I am upset we didn't get Brendan Haywood.


Newer guys we enjoy watching: Omri Casspi (Kings). Guy can hoop and light it up from downtown. Plus, we have unlimited Jewish jokes when he is on the court, in that case, everybody wins.

Except for Germans.

I am going to have to go with John Wall. Oh, wait, he's not in the league yet. My bust. I guess I'll go with Stephan Curry. Much better than I expected and in the perfect system.

Let's revise our predictions as well. (Original predictions in parenthesis)


Predictions: Trevor/Matt
Eastern Southwest: Atlanta (Miami)/Orlando
Central: Cleveland (Cleveland)/Cleveland
Atlantic: Boston (Boston)/Boston
Western Southwest: Dallas (Houston)/San Antonio
Northwest: Denver (Denver)/Denver
Pacific: LA Lakers (Los Angeles Lakers)/LA Lakers
Eastern Conference Champ: Cleveland (Cleveland)/Boston
Western Conference Champ: LA Lakers/Stern (LA Lakers)/San Antonio
NBA Champs: Cleveland (Cleveland)/San Antonio

Most Valuable Player: LBJ (Lebron James)/Lebron
Rookie of the Year: Tyreke Evans(Brandon Jennings)/Tyreke Evans
Defensive Player of the Year: Josh Smith (Dwight Howard)/Dwight Howard
(even if Battier deserves it)
6th Man: Jamal Crawford (Rasheed Wallace)/Jason Terry
Most Improved Player: Monta Ellis (Emeka Okafor)/Josh Smith (Greg Oden)(which big
man will suck less)
Surprise Team: Toronto (Houston)/Memphis
Surprise Player: Monta Ellis (Ramon Sessions)/Tyreke Evans
Disappointing Team: Washington(Dallas)/New Orleans


Your player predictions are on point. I will begrudgingly admit that. Fuck.

If you aren't cheering for the Saints you have no soul...

Or you are Scottish and fail to understand what America is all about. I really don't understand why else you would cheer for the Colts? Pey-Pey is funny, but when he plays football he is kind of a dick ("Goddammit Donald") and so good it isn't fun to watch (except that pass to Austin Collie. That may bethe best pass I have ever seen). But it is like rooting for the robots in the Matrix, instead of Trinity to die. It is just more fun hate the Colts.

Even Big Celly Cell, the biggest Colts fan I know is over the Colts this year. Check this:

I cannot write a paragraph about why people should cheer for the Colts, because they are too dominant.  For the first time in years, I found myself thinking that cheering for the Colts was not as fun as it had been in previous years.  The Colts success began to annoy me, and then they sat the starters against the Jets, and you remember Manning's face on Sportcenter. The front office delivered a slap in the face to Peyton and the boys by sitting them for the half.  I do not believe that Indy or Manning needs another Superbowl to cement his place in history.  It would be real nice to see Sean Payton, Brees, and Vilma get a ring.  Not to mention the moral of New Orleans if the Saints go on to win.

If you need a reason to cheer for the Colts, look no further than number 18 and the rookie head coach.

Uhhh, if the Colts lost Cell then they sure as hell aren't getting me on their side. And why would I cheer for their coach? The corpse in Weekend at Bernie's was more animated. I like to see a coach who has earned it, which would be Sean Peyton. He and Brees have turned that franchise around.

Then I asked my boy Kevan to give me reasons to cheer for the Saints. He is the biggest Lil' Wayne fan I know, even bigger than Teej and I, so that qualifies him to speak on the Nolia. Here is what he came up with:

Top 3 Reasons the Universe wants the Saints to Win
Everybody likes a little bit of an underdog right?
1) Fate: Archie Manning was a straight up iron man when he threw for Los Santos 3 odd decades ago, and he raised both of his Super Bowl Champion sons in the city of New Orleans. He was kind of the Brett Favre of his day, played the bulk of his career in NOLA, and spent the last two seasons being a troubadour as a Houston Oiler and a MN Viking. Now that both his sons got rings, its time for his city and alma mater to bring home the hardware for the sake of symmetry.
2) Drew Brees’ next contract: Over the last few days, ESPN has been force feeding all of us the fact that Peyton and Drew are gonna re-up next year with their teams. Summarized, Peyton is up to his nuts in the front office’s guts in Indy, we all know he’s getting paid no matter what, probably fixin to be the highest paid player in the the history of the sport, and he deserves it, he’s the best play caller and smartest all around QB certainly of his generation, and in the running for that of every other generation. That said, Brees is more exciting to watch because he won’t duck away from the hit in order to make the play, and while he’s not getting Peyton money no matter what, the first Lombardi trophy in New Orleans would probably earn him several million more dollars and lock him up for 5+ years in the Big Easy. Another fun fact, both Manning and Brees are represented by the same agent, and THAT guy is going to be patting himself on the back in one of his two new matching Audis this offseason, so I want to see the talent get their nut too…
3) DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING IDEA THE PARTY THAT WILL TAKE PLACE IF THE SAINTS WIN?: The city of New Orleans has already preemptively closed schools and city services for the Monday after the game, win or lose, rain or shine. This is backseat to the fact that this falls right in step with Mardi Gras season. If the Saints were to win this one, there would be so much Southern Comfort flowing and so many titties warming the hearts of everybody lucky enough to be in that part of the world this year, it gives me the gym class rope-climb tingle just thinking about it. I hope there’s a boy who gets his dream come true to meet Drew Brees in 10 years or so and gets to look him in the eye and tell him “I was conceived on a kitchen prep table at a Bourbon Street Bar/Restaurant the night you won Super Bowl 44, thanks for that.” New Orleans is one of the premier partying towns that America has, next to maybe only Las Vegas. This party will make 1999 look like a fuckin petting zoo. If the world DOES end in 2012, December 20 2012, the supposed night before those crazy (extinct) Mayans think the cosmos are hitting the reset button would be the only thing even in the same zip code as the Saints’ Super Bowl victory bender. I’ve got to stop or I might pass out.
Get some NOLA, get some 

And then he added this, which may be the most important reason:

Weezy Fuckin Baby

Prediction: I expect a very high-scoring game with the Saints trying to keep up with Peyton and the Colts offense all day. Finally, Manning will throw a pick and Brees will lead a quick TD drive to put the Saints up 38-36. But he will leave about 35 seconds left on the clock. Too much time, it seems, for Peyton. He will move the ball down the field and set Matt Stover up for a 38-yarder to win the game. Stover's kick will go up, appear to be straight down the pipe before....

THE WINDS FROM HURRICANE KATRINA COME OUT OF NOWHERE TO PUSH THE FIELD GOAL WIDE RIGHT!!!!!! OMFG

Yes, the Saints will literally win because of Hurricane Katrina. Not metaphorically. GOD doesn't make mistakes. He was testing Drew Brees and Reggie Bush with that whole Hurricane/Slurricane thingy. And my Broncos will never win a Super Bowl again because I got drunk and laughed at Katrina. Drew Brees didn't laugh, he was picking up orphans and throwing them to safety in Baton Rouge. Jon Vilma actually emptied all the water out of the 9th Ward with just a single bucket. The Saints players literally all are now Sainted by the Church for their heroic actions. That is why they are in fact named the Saints. Look it up. Lake Pontchartrain was actually build by Archie Manning. Who is Peyton's dad!!!!! Peyton can't beat the Saints. It is cosmically ordained.

Oh, and that storm was also sent to punish New Orleans for all the gays and debauchery, so since all those people are now dead God doesn't dislike the Big Easy anymore. George Bush new what he was doing when he told New Orleans to "just fucking deal with it yourselves." He was preparing Drew Brees for the Super Bowl. I mean, the Colts pass rush is tough, but Breesus Christ stood tall in the pocket and delivered while being perused by floodwaters that were too strong for the levies. Dwight Freeney and Rashard Mathis, shit, he won't be bothered a bit.

I am also sure the memory of the Saints' championship will make Weezy F so happy. And isn't that really all we care about?