So the old, old, old roommates (that I lived with in SD) are getting married in about a week, so this past weekend was a lovely excuse for everyone to gather to celebrate the death of Hacksaw's singledom.
In true 'Dale fashion, we proceeded to drank a ton and then drank some more. The following are a few things that probably happened, though legally it is possible none of this happened at all (and it is in no way all encompassing, it only reflects what I may have witnessed and remember):
-While killing a couple of six-packs of exotic beer (read; bitch beer) on the way over the passes, the Bachelor may have commanded, "Hey, Raz me," and extended his arm for a bottle of Bacardi Raz. Beggars can't be choosers when you are halfway over Vail Pass.
-You may be shepherded around all weekend in a 15-passenger concrete van that goes "Clink-clink-clink-clunk-clunk" at every turn from the bottles and cans on the floor.
-The first present the Bachelor might receive will be a handle of Evan Williams Black Label. The second; a shiny new hatchet so sharp it could cut one of the groomsman's fingers. There is probably no way this could end poorly.
-The Best Man might try to start at least two different fights, just before closing time, including one at a bar that is 95% Latino (the 5% gringo: Us).
-The Bachelor and a groomsman could've participated in some "good, ole-fashioned vandalism" with the shiny, new hatchet. It is possible that the "Great Sprinkler Bandit" of 2003-06 made a dramatic reappearance.
-Everyone would probably stop drinking at around 3:30AM. The Best Man almost certainly was playing in a golf tournament at 6AM, with the Bachelor as his caddy. They would've had to wake up at 5:30 to make it, and probably would drink whiskey the whole time.
-As difficult as it is to believe, a very legit golf course might comp us our rounds and lett us go out as two five-some. While golfing, it is possible we; played bumper carts, hit drives at each other, nearly did a 180-degree spin into a ravine, had to push a cart for most of back-nine after it ran out of juice, played the final 2 holes as a eleven-some with 7 cart looking like a live version of Mario Kart, etc.
-After a disagreement over etiquette (which we clearly lacked), it is possible that the Best Man declared the bachelor party over and decided to leave. In retaliation, Nasty Nate may have had the quote of the weekend if he had said, "Where are you gonna go? You can't drive anyway," in reference to the Best Man's recent alleged DUI.
-One of the groomsman's kitchen floor might have been buttered. The culprit might have might have left the stick of butter in view ruining the end result. It was almost assuredly me.
-The floor at the party compound was thought to be buttered as well.
-The best decision after all this golfing and beer would probably be a Beer Olympics with some grilled meat before a trip to local bar. In the middle of these Olympics, a bottle of Fireball whiskey might, at the direction of the Bachelor, be downed by the party in less that 5 minutes.
-The chauffeur enlisted to drive the 15-passenger van en route to the bar may have been a 50-year old neighbor of the best man who was talked into this task at about 12:00 AM.
-A quick pit stop for some party necessities might take longer than expected, leading the Bachelor and a few others to abandon the van and set out on foot. All but one of this Foot Troop would be recovered.
-The Bachelor and a couple friends will probably pass out in the van instead of making it to the bar. Multiple people will be found passed out in the van when it returns from the bar to the party compound.
-The Best Man's brother, who lives at the party compound, might be one of those who is discovered in the van sleeping. After being awoken, he will not walk the 100 feet home to his bedroom, but instead will inexplicably sprint away and sleep on Dave the Chauffeur's couch, a fact we did not find out until the next morning, setting off a minor manhunt.
-When the man of the house awakes at 3:30AM to depart for the Triple Bypass bike ride to find the party still going, he might be informed that his son is missing. It is doubtful he will bat an eye.
-At various points of the night, at least six people might realize that they are sans-phone and embark on a frenzied search. Yours truly will probably find his phone outside after six hours in the rain, but thanks to the Otter Box and a bag of rice, it will continue to work. One phone will likely stay missing.
-The sun did rise, and it seems likely that at least 4 of the group were still awake.
That is about it. A lot of things that might have happened. There are probably some I have forgotten, some omitted and some I wasn't privy to, but this might help jog those hazy memories.
And there is one thing I can confirm...every in attendance woke up Sunday morning with a blinding hangover.
Showing posts with label stupidity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stupidity. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Monday, April 5, 2010
I Like To Call It Lost Wages: 2010
The last time I went to Vegas it was for less than 48 hours, but man was it great. A raging weekend with plenty of cameos from my current and long-lost friends. This trip was a little different: I was going for a whole week (help me God) and I was allegedly there as a volenteer for the Mountain West Conference.
Spending a whole week in Sin City and trying to impress potential employers meant that I should probably work hard and take it easy at night, saving up my energy for a huge party the final night in town. But, c'mon, you know me better than that. I firmly beleive that only Allen Iverson can perform better the day after a bender than I, so of course I burned the candle on both ends. Here are some of the highlights and observations I picked up from a jam packed weekend.
-Has anyone ever had a Southwest flight take off on time? Because I haven't. The streak continued as I sat on the runway for over an hour waiting for my flight to take off. And I wasn't even drunk for it. I will never fly sober again. FUUUUUCCCKKKK
-Monday is the set-up day for the tournament but there really wasn't much to be done, so I spent my day playing with the four and eight year-old children of some fellow volenteers. It started as a game of catch with a volleyball and quickly devolved into a game of throw the ball at Sack's face. For the rest of the week I then had to watch out for the little child, Toni, trying to hit me whenever she saw me. Due to her roughly 3 ft size, this often resulted in her taking swings at my crotch. FUNNY EVERY TIME.
-When I checked into my hotel room I was asked if a Mrs. Edy Trey-vor would be staying with me. Edy did bail on the trip because he got a real person job, and I know his gf has his balls, but I don't know about the sex change?
-Everyone hates New Mexico fans, even other New Mexico fans. Those people are horrible. And ugly. Plus, the "Everyone's a Lobo, woof, woof, woof" cheer is more retarded than anything ever.
-I did tournament notes the first couple days which was all women's games and they set a ton of records. For missed shots and rebounds. Yep, women's basketball, it's FAAANNNNN-Tastic!
-For the second year in a row TCU takes home the award for hottest dance team. Man are they smoking. My TCU crush has been explored on this blog in the past, but man do I love TCU. And there dance coach, probably the hottest woman I have ever talked to. She asked me to find out when her team performed and I'm pretty sure that meant she wanted to bang me at center court. It was awesome. (I wrote a very detailed account of how this would have gone down, but you have to pay $3.99/day to subscribe to that page of the blog)
-There were 12 Canadian kids from some school in Ottowa who volunteered as well, and man were they entertaining. In the fact that I spent the entire week mocking their accents, asking them questions about being set adrift and explaining how fucking awesome America was compared to their bitch asses. They kept bringing up some Hawk-E sport that they apparently beat us at, but I had no idea what they were talking about.
The biggest difference I noticed between US and THEM was that we love Chipotle and they love donuts, Seriously, those fucking Canucks looked at Chipotle like it was a turd wrapped in foil. Fuck them, don’tchaknow?
Also, I asked them what are some well-known Canadian beers besides Molson and LaBatt's, and one of them tried to claim Coors. Fuck off, buddy.
-One of the nights we went to O'Sheas to play some beer pong, and I was fucking awful. I still won, but my skillz is deteriorating way too quickly now that I am old and gay. This trip convinced me I need to re-enroll in college because real life sucks.
The highlight of O'Sheas was this video game I started playing with some random people, that was basically memory match with porn pictures. "She is wearing a g-string in the first picture and a garter in the second." Winner! We made it through 20 rounds before I was pulled away to play more pong.
-There is nothing better in the world than being able to travel around with an open container everywhere. Whenever I wasn't "working" I had a beer in hand. Why can't the rest of America just give up on rules like Vegas?
-I was the CSU locker room steward during their near upset against SDSU, which means I had the fun job of making sure my boy Andy Ogide stayed in the locker room after getting kicked out and I got to commiserate with Coach Miles after another excruciating loss.
Other behind the scenes notes: Scotty Reynolds of Air Force thought he was going to be fired...Jimmer Fredette and Johnathan Tavernari do not like each other...New Mexico’s players are even bigger dicks than the fans, as Darrington (awesome name) Hobson kicked a trash can that hit his assistant SID and then proceed to tell HER to "Fuck off" as he ran from the locker room so he could avoid being interviewed. What a bitch ass son.
-I was able to check out the newest and trendiest club in Vegas, Haze. One of the volunteers, this girl from Minnesota, got us in and then managed to do what girls do in order to get us some free drinks.
The club was pretty cool with an entire wall of lights, but for such a big club it had a tiny ass dance floor. I also ran into several TCU players fresh off their elimination, including my Slavic brothers Zvonco Buljan and Edvinas Ruzgas. See, I told you TCU kicks ass.
While at the club I got cockblocked by some random white rappers because the girl I was dancing with thought they sucked.
Fortunetly I regrouped and managed to meet some lovely (read; big titted, loose morals) girls from West Virginia to spend the remainder of the evening with. I'm pretty sure they clung to me because I initially hit on them while with some random black dude that Minnesota had met, and we all know how racist people from West Virginia are. So this was one of those rare instances where racism favored the white guy. Who woulda thunk it?
The other girl that was feeling me the whole rip, well she was from Monument. Fitting, since all I do is creep on friends of my friends, that girls I meet in Vegas would have a connection to Edy.
-I was also the San Diego State locker room steward, and since they won the whole tournament I was able to spend a lot of quality time with their SIDs. I at least was offered an internship out of the deal. See, a reward for my hard work.
-On the final night Minnesota, myself, Monument and another volunteer from West Virginia (not connected with the WV girls, we'll call him Tom) went to Tao. There was supposed to be some free drink deal, but of course it was only for girls, so Tom and I mainlined $15 Vodkas for a bit and wandered. Though I went to Tao during my last stop in Vegas, I really remembered nothing of it. It is a giant fucking place with multiple stories, all of which I apparently missed the first time.
-We bounced from Tao shortly after our new British friends got in trouble for taking pictures of girls waiting in the line for the bathroom on the balcony above us (so directly upskirt, cheerio). We met up with all our Canadian friends at some random bar on the strip that featured the most intense DJ in history. He was basically the Travis Barker of the turntables, overdoing everything.
-Tom and I spent much of the evening giving people Manwhiches. It was very effective at scaring away creeper guys who wouldn't leave the girls we were with alone.
-At one point a girl got worried that her parents, that were flying to meet her in Vegas, hadn't called to check in. I googled "Las Vegas Plane Crash Die" on my phone and proudly showed her no results. I'm so sensitive.
-After we returned to the hotel and went to the hot tub, I decided that more beer was needed. I planned a quick trip up the hotel room, but as soon as I hit the lobby I misjudged my wetness and I packed shit, possibly suffering a concussion. Undeterred I continued on my pursuit of necessary alcohol and ran up to one of the Canadian's room to grab some beer. Up there, I spotted a bottle of wine and attempted to open it. With no opener I started grabbling random objects to try to jam the cork down to open. In the process I dropped one of the tall boy Coors Lights onto my toe, cutting it without my knowledge. I bled all over the bathroom for a while before I noticed. Sadly I never got the wine bottle open.
-For the second consecutive night we ended the night in the hottub watching the sunrise. Fortunately I was able to go home and sleep, but Tom had to rush to catch his 8 am flight back.
-I spent the next day wandering Vegas in a hungover/drunk stupor waiting for my evening flight, and when I finally got to the airport I found out that my flight delayed until at least 11pm. I managed to talk my way onto an earlier flight, which was sweet, until the pilot told us that our current plane had been delayed because a baggage cart had run into it and they needed to double-check everything. COMFORTING.
In addition there was some drunk ass lady who spent the entire flight home vomiting. At some point the smell was so bad that I kind of hoped the plane would crash. It didn't.
Man do I love Vegas, even if I will be trying to pay off this trip for about three months.
Spending a whole week in Sin City and trying to impress potential employers meant that I should probably work hard and take it easy at night, saving up my energy for a huge party the final night in town. But, c'mon, you know me better than that. I firmly beleive that only Allen Iverson can perform better the day after a bender than I, so of course I burned the candle on both ends. Here are some of the highlights and observations I picked up from a jam packed weekend.
-Has anyone ever had a Southwest flight take off on time? Because I haven't. The streak continued as I sat on the runway for over an hour waiting for my flight to take off. And I wasn't even drunk for it. I will never fly sober again. FUUUUUCCCKKKK
-Monday is the set-up day for the tournament but there really wasn't much to be done, so I spent my day playing with the four and eight year-old children of some fellow volenteers. It started as a game of catch with a volleyball and quickly devolved into a game of throw the ball at Sack's face. For the rest of the week I then had to watch out for the little child, Toni, trying to hit me whenever she saw me. Due to her roughly 3 ft size, this often resulted in her taking swings at my crotch. FUNNY EVERY TIME.
-When I checked into my hotel room I was asked if a Mrs. Edy Trey-vor would be staying with me. Edy did bail on the trip because he got a real person job, and I know his gf has his balls, but I don't know about the sex change?
-Everyone hates New Mexico fans, even other New Mexico fans. Those people are horrible. And ugly. Plus, the "Everyone's a Lobo, woof, woof, woof" cheer is more retarded than anything ever.
-I did tournament notes the first couple days which was all women's games and they set a ton of records. For missed shots and rebounds. Yep, women's basketball, it's FAAANNNNN-Tastic!
-For the second year in a row TCU takes home the award for hottest dance team. Man are they smoking. My TCU crush has been explored on this blog in the past, but man do I love TCU. And there dance coach, probably the hottest woman I have ever talked to. She asked me to find out when her team performed and I'm pretty sure that meant she wanted to bang me at center court. It was awesome. (I wrote a very detailed account of how this would have gone down, but you have to pay $3.99/day to subscribe to that page of the blog)
-There were 12 Canadian kids from some school in Ottowa who volunteered as well, and man were they entertaining. In the fact that I spent the entire week mocking their accents, asking them questions about being set adrift and explaining how fucking awesome America was compared to their bitch asses. They kept bringing up some Hawk-E sport that they apparently beat us at, but I had no idea what they were talking about.
The biggest difference I noticed between US and THEM was that we love Chipotle and they love donuts, Seriously, those fucking Canucks looked at Chipotle like it was a turd wrapped in foil. Fuck them, don’tchaknow?
Also, I asked them what are some well-known Canadian beers besides Molson and LaBatt's, and one of them tried to claim Coors. Fuck off, buddy.
-One of the nights we went to O'Sheas to play some beer pong, and I was fucking awful. I still won, but my skillz is deteriorating way too quickly now that I am old and gay. This trip convinced me I need to re-enroll in college because real life sucks.
The highlight of O'Sheas was this video game I started playing with some random people, that was basically memory match with porn pictures. "She is wearing a g-string in the first picture and a garter in the second." Winner! We made it through 20 rounds before I was pulled away to play more pong.
-There is nothing better in the world than being able to travel around with an open container everywhere. Whenever I wasn't "working" I had a beer in hand. Why can't the rest of America just give up on rules like Vegas?
-I was the CSU locker room steward during their near upset against SDSU, which means I had the fun job of making sure my boy Andy Ogide stayed in the locker room after getting kicked out and I got to commiserate with Coach Miles after another excruciating loss.
Other behind the scenes notes: Scotty Reynolds of Air Force thought he was going to be fired...Jimmer Fredette and Johnathan Tavernari do not like each other...New Mexico’s players are even bigger dicks than the fans, as Darrington (awesome name) Hobson kicked a trash can that hit his assistant SID and then proceed to tell HER to "Fuck off" as he ran from the locker room so he could avoid being interviewed. What a bitch ass son.
-I was able to check out the newest and trendiest club in Vegas, Haze. One of the volunteers, this girl from Minnesota, got us in and then managed to do what girls do in order to get us some free drinks.
The club was pretty cool with an entire wall of lights, but for such a big club it had a tiny ass dance floor. I also ran into several TCU players fresh off their elimination, including my Slavic brothers Zvonco Buljan and Edvinas Ruzgas. See, I told you TCU kicks ass.
While at the club I got cockblocked by some random white rappers because the girl I was dancing with thought they sucked.
Fortunetly I regrouped and managed to meet some lovely (read; big titted, loose morals) girls from West Virginia to spend the remainder of the evening with. I'm pretty sure they clung to me because I initially hit on them while with some random black dude that Minnesota had met, and we all know how racist people from West Virginia are. So this was one of those rare instances where racism favored the white guy. Who woulda thunk it?
The other girl that was feeling me the whole rip, well she was from Monument. Fitting, since all I do is creep on friends of my friends, that girls I meet in Vegas would have a connection to Edy.
-I was also the San Diego State locker room steward, and since they won the whole tournament I was able to spend a lot of quality time with their SIDs. I at least was offered an internship out of the deal. See, a reward for my hard work.
-On the final night Minnesota, myself, Monument and another volunteer from West Virginia (not connected with the WV girls, we'll call him Tom) went to Tao. There was supposed to be some free drink deal, but of course it was only for girls, so Tom and I mainlined $15 Vodkas for a bit and wandered. Though I went to Tao during my last stop in Vegas, I really remembered nothing of it. It is a giant fucking place with multiple stories, all of which I apparently missed the first time.
-We bounced from Tao shortly after our new British friends got in trouble for taking pictures of girls waiting in the line for the bathroom on the balcony above us (so directly upskirt, cheerio). We met up with all our Canadian friends at some random bar on the strip that featured the most intense DJ in history. He was basically the Travis Barker of the turntables, overdoing everything.
-Tom and I spent much of the evening giving people Manwhiches. It was very effective at scaring away creeper guys who wouldn't leave the girls we were with alone.
-At one point a girl got worried that her parents, that were flying to meet her in Vegas, hadn't called to check in. I googled "Las Vegas Plane Crash Die" on my phone and proudly showed her no results. I'm so sensitive.
-After we returned to the hotel and went to the hot tub, I decided that more beer was needed. I planned a quick trip up the hotel room, but as soon as I hit the lobby I misjudged my wetness and I packed shit, possibly suffering a concussion. Undeterred I continued on my pursuit of necessary alcohol and ran up to one of the Canadian's room to grab some beer. Up there, I spotted a bottle of wine and attempted to open it. With no opener I started grabbling random objects to try to jam the cork down to open. In the process I dropped one of the tall boy Coors Lights onto my toe, cutting it without my knowledge. I bled all over the bathroom for a while before I noticed. Sadly I never got the wine bottle open.
-For the second consecutive night we ended the night in the hottub watching the sunrise. Fortunately I was able to go home and sleep, but Tom had to rush to catch his 8 am flight back.
-I spent the next day wandering Vegas in a hungover/drunk stupor waiting for my evening flight, and when I finally got to the airport I found out that my flight delayed until at least 11pm. I managed to talk my way onto an earlier flight, which was sweet, until the pilot told us that our current plane had been delayed because a baggage cart had run into it and they needed to double-check everything. COMFORTING.
In addition there was some drunk ass lady who spent the entire flight home vomiting. At some point the smell was so bad that I kind of hoped the plane would crash. It didn't.
Man do I love Vegas, even if I will be trying to pay off this trip for about three months.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
NBA w/ Edy All-Star Bonanza
Well, this took Forever to put together mostly because Edy sucks at life and because when he finally got around to fulfilling his duties my computer decided I had downloaded too much porn, music and stupid pics of Marmalard to continue. RIP 2005 Dell. You served me well.
Anyway, we welcome back Edy and his shenagins to discuss the NBA's fiery half. Keep in mind; A) I have spent much of the last few months boycotting the NBA B) I'm trying to type this while on an iPhone, C) Edy will speak in italics or should,but Blogger is being quite the silly little faggot about this.
We finally are doing this:
Worst prediction from our preview: Well, I have to go with my Wizards/Gilbert combo. That was a gamble that didn't pay off (rimshot). I just gave it my best shot (guitar riff). I knew Gil used to be a shoot-first player and he was looking to get other players their shots (cymbal crash). It's a good thing they changed the team name to Wizards so that there were no Bullets in that locker room. /End of shitty Leno jokes.
I just love how Pucak’s one major go-out-on-a-limb prediction backfired (had to say it) right in his face. His guy isn’t even playing anymore. And the Wizards are a bottom feeder in a poor Eastern
Conference. Things I enjoy: Calling Pucak out when he is wrong on all accounts.
Uggggghhhhh. I already wrote about this, so I won't get into it too much, only to say that I will be breaking my NBA boycott soon. I now know how long Gil is suspended, and I guess the rest of the season is appropriate. I had a dream he signed with the Magic for next season, which would be pretty sweet.
The only good news for me on the improved player/team front is that Washington and Houston, Edy's pick, are both tied for 11th in their respective conferences. Just don't look at their records, please.
(Pucak uses a classic Edy tactic in an effort to compare the two, too bad their records say otherwise… 17-32 vs. 27-23…. Uhhh, no brainer)
Pucak struggling early after an 0-2 start.
Now, I know my surprise team, Houston, has not performed that well. They “let go” a guy who was making nearly 23 MILLION this year, in
T-Mac. Yes, this year, look it up. They have no true scorer, but are surrounded with a bunch of guys I would want on my team, ala Shane Battier. Needless to say they are only one game out of the West playoffs (Feb. 3).
Turns out I was wrong about Emaka Okafor (DOY), Ramon Sessions(Surprise Player) and Dallas being a disappointing team... oops.
I also almost had a terrible prediction about Greg Oden being the most improved player, especially after he blew up his knee. BUT after naked pictures of Greg and his third arm showed up on the interwebs and he apologized by saying "he had grown a lot" since. I think this qualifies as improvement.
Greg Oden: Where making white girls swoon happens (Literally, my girlfriend wouldn’t stop staring. I then gave her the “reality” of the situation and performed a short demonstration with my fist. She then did the “Melo grimace” and walked off.) Somehow this was swept under the rug with a short apology from Greg. Probably the most publicity he will get all season. I still don’t get the logic in standing in front of a mirror to take a picture of your anaconda in hopes to find it a home in an unsuspecting white girl’s pork sauna. Maybe it’s an athlete thing. I guess this is improvement.
Nene: Earlier this season, Edy went off on Twitter, saying: "Random thought of the night: Nuggets need to cut their loses with Nene and move on. Never became the player we thought.
-"Every year we think he will be allstar worthy, just never is."
-"Inconsistency kills him Not a defensive star to make it worth it."
-"Let's not forget that he's been in the L for 7 years, at some point we have to realize, this is who he is. #ComingToGrips"
While Nene hasn't been a stud, getting the 20-10 that Edy thinks he should get, he should have been an all-star this season.
If you don't think he has played well, how do you explain him and K-Mart being the two consistent performers for the Nuggs while Melo, JR and Chauncey sat out. He is pouring in 14 and grabbling over 8 rebounds per game, often times as the fourth or fifth option. If he played on a team that didn't have quite so many scorers he would be getting 20-10. He does everything the Nuggets ask; scores almost 60% of the time he touches the ball, plays tough interior defense on the opposing teams center (even leading the team in steals), grabs boards and doesn't get pissy when he gets less touches than the stars.
Shit, almost any team in the league would kill for him, and if we could get one more big man on this squad to help Nene switch to the 4 the Nuggs might be able to take LA.
Thanks for the alley-oop, Pucak. This past Monday, the Nuggets hosted the Kings, a team that they struggle to matchup with. On paper, Nene should have dominated the front court as he was going up against the likes of Spencer Hawes, Jason Thompson and Jon Brockman… Nene finished with a “stellar” 14 and 6 on 6-of-10 shooting as the Nuggets got outrebounded by 15. If it wasn’t for Kmart playing like an all-star this past month (finished with a 24 and 12), we would have lost a few.
You’re correct Pucak, Nene doesn’t bitch about not getting the ball, because he doesn’t care! Unnamed sources say Nene is going to retire after his contract is up in two years… We will see. The only
consistent thing about Nene this season has been his left-handed finger roll/dunk move. It’s a guaranteed two points, he’s just the only one in building not to realize it. Anytime you’re huge and
athletic while constantly having mismatches down low, but still have the opportunity to play like a bitch, you have to take it right?? This is annoying, and I’m starting to annoy myself. I’ll stop now.
JR Smith's struggles: He has not shot the ball well at all this year. Why? I'm thinking two things; 1) He spent some of the summer in the pokey and then was suspended, so he never got in rhythm. 2) He is now signed to Young Money Athletes which means he officially has to be on top of the game for a few months and then spend the rest of the time singing dipshit autotune crap.
I thoroughly enjoy JR’s YM connections. I wish I could say that about his defense and overall attitude toward the game.
Melo vs. Chauncey for Nuggs MVP: I am going with Chauncey. He has carried the team when Melo is out, but the team has bombed without Chauncey. He cares not about himself but for the team. Plus, he has come up with some huge performances, like dropping all those bombs on the bitch ass Lakers. (and there were about 10 more paragraphs here, but then my computer shit the bed.
Toss up right now. Although no other player on the roster will vie for team MVP, Kmart and Aaron Afflalo have been playing lights out as of late. Breaking news: Kmart has a brain and is using it. He realized that he needs to step up in Melo’s absence. And AA is on a whole ‘nother level. Making some huge shots down the stretch. We need to keep this guy.
Side note: The majority of the Nuggets’ last name roster resides in the first three letters of the alphabet. Afflalo, Allen, Andersen, Anthony, Balkman, Billups, Carter. Yeah I know, third quarters of NBA games bore me.
Melo's chances for MVP: He needs to have a few crazy games down the stretch and it wouldn't hurt if Bron-Bron got hurt. He isn't bionic, right? He just missed too much time. But I still feel he is first team All-NBA worthy.
Melo’s injuries will hurt him in the long run, but I think this will make him better in the playoffs. He lets things go to his head too easily (i.e. scoring title) and it affects his game. My prediction: He
finishes 5th.
Nuggets LVP: George Karl, hands down. You know it’s a bad thing when ANY inbounds play that results in a turnover at ANY level of basketball has people saying “They ran the George Karl. FUCK, they ran the Karl!” (hands immediately go to the head)… I really wonder what goes on in the timeout preceding an inbounds play. It’s almost likeGK just hands over coaching duties to high-as-fuck Balkman. We would be much better off running the “Helen Keller,” where everyone just
runs around with their eyes closed, setting picks and ‘feeling’ out the defense.
The Birdman. Injuries and non-contract year have killed him, but he isn't performing as well as we need. He needs to get his shit together.
I know Simmons loves him, but when do we start hating Durant? I mean, when he finally beat us once. He is going to get annoying real soon.
Except, not really… Not sure how you can hate Durant. Seems like a good guy, odds are that he has a smaller cock than Oden. Pure scorer and is getting progressively better from the field. These guys may be scary in the playoffs.
The Durant lovefest is over for me. He already gets more calls than Melo and is way less aggressive.
Favorite Underground Story of the Year: Sandiata Gaines or whatever.
Does anyone else realize that none of the Nuggets have been in any legal trouble this year???? The NBA,….. It’s FAANNtastic.
Headlines I don’t want to see: “Nuggets may bring back Camby”….. Mark Warkenstein, you know better to bring back that frail piece of shit we
call “defense.” Pucak would do a better job on the defensive end, he’s white and extremely uncoordinated.
Only thing worse would be "Nuggets trade for Najera, Boykins." God I hate those assholes. I am upset we didn't get Brendan Haywood.
Newer guys we enjoy watching: Omri Casspi (Kings). Guy can hoop and light it up from downtown. Plus, we have unlimited Jewish jokes when he is on the court, in that case, everybody wins.
Except for Germans.
I am going to have to go with John Wall. Oh, wait, he's not in the league yet. My bust. I guess I'll go with Stephan Curry. Much better than I expected and in the perfect system.
Let's revise our predictions as well. (Original predictions in parenthesis)
Predictions: Trevor/Matt
Eastern Southwest: Atlanta (Miami)/Orlando
Central: Cleveland (Cleveland)/Cleveland
Atlantic: Boston (Boston)/Boston
Western Southwest: Dallas (Houston)/San Antonio
Northwest: Denver (Denver)/Denver
Pacific: LA Lakers (Los Angeles Lakers)/LA Lakers
Eastern Conference Champ: Cleveland (Cleveland)/Boston
Western Conference Champ: LA Lakers/Stern (LA Lakers)/San Antonio
NBA Champs: Cleveland (Cleveland)/San Antonio
Most Valuable Player: LBJ (Lebron James)/Lebron
Rookie of the Year: Tyreke Evans(Brandon Jennings)/Tyreke Evans
Defensive Player of the Year: Josh Smith (Dwight Howard)/Dwight Howard
(even if Battier deserves it)
6th Man: Jamal Crawford (Rasheed Wallace)/Jason Terry
Most Improved Player: Monta Ellis (Emeka Okafor)/Josh Smith (Greg Oden)(which big
man will suck less)
Surprise Team: Toronto (Houston)/Memphis
Surprise Player: Monta Ellis (Ramon Sessions)/Tyreke Evans
Disappointing Team: Washington(Dallas)/New Orleans
Your player predictions are on point. I will begrudgingly admit that. Fuck.
Anyway, we welcome back Edy and his shenagins to discuss the NBA's fiery half. Keep in mind; A) I have spent much of the last few months boycotting the NBA B) I'm trying to type this while on an iPhone, C) Edy will speak in italics or should,
We finally are doing this:
Worst prediction from our preview: Well, I have to go with my Wizards/Gilbert combo. That was a gamble that didn't pay off (rimshot). I just gave it my best shot (guitar riff). I knew Gil used to be a shoot-first player and he was looking to get other players their shots (cymbal crash). It's a good thing they changed the team name to Wizards so that there were no Bullets in that locker room. /End of shitty Leno jokes.
I just love how Pucak’s one major go-out-on-a-limb prediction backfired (had to say it) right in his face. His guy isn’t even playing anymore. And the Wizards are a bottom feeder in a poor Eastern
Conference. Things I enjoy: Calling Pucak out when he is wrong on all accounts.
Uggggghhhhh. I already wrote about this, so I won't get into it too much, only to say that I will be breaking my NBA boycott soon. I now know how long Gil is suspended, and I guess the rest of the season is appropriate. I had a dream he signed with the Magic for next season, which would be pretty sweet.
The only good news for me on the improved player/team front is that Washington and Houston, Edy's pick, are both tied for 11th in their respective conferences. Just don't look at their records, please.
(Pucak uses a classic Edy tactic in an effort to compare the two, too bad their records say otherwise… 17-32 vs. 27-23…. Uhhh, no brainer)
Pucak struggling early after an 0-2 start.
Now, I know my surprise team, Houston, has not performed that well. They “let go” a guy who was making nearly 23 MILLION this year, in
T-Mac. Yes, this year, look it up. They have no true scorer, but are surrounded with a bunch of guys I would want on my team, ala Shane Battier. Needless to say they are only one game out of the West playoffs (Feb. 3).
Turns out I was wrong about Emaka Okafor (DOY), Ramon Sessions(Surprise Player) and Dallas being a disappointing team... oops.
I also almost had a terrible prediction about Greg Oden being the most improved player, especially after he blew up his knee. BUT after naked pictures of Greg and his third arm showed up on the interwebs and he apologized by saying "he had grown a lot" since. I think this qualifies as improvement.
Greg Oden: Where making white girls swoon happens (Literally, my girlfriend wouldn’t stop staring. I then gave her the “reality” of the situation and performed a short demonstration with my fist. She then did the “Melo grimace” and walked off.) Somehow this was swept under the rug with a short apology from Greg. Probably the most publicity he will get all season. I still don’t get the logic in standing in front of a mirror to take a picture of your anaconda in hopes to find it a home in an unsuspecting white girl’s pork sauna. Maybe it’s an athlete thing. I guess this is improvement.
Nene: Earlier this season, Edy went off on Twitter, saying: "Random thought of the night: Nuggets need to cut their loses with Nene and move on. Never became the player we thought.
-"Every year we think he will be allstar worthy, just never is."
-"Inconsistency kills him Not a defensive star to make it worth it."
-"Let's not forget that he's been in the L for 7 years, at some point we have to realize, this is who he is. #ComingToGrips"
While Nene hasn't been a stud, getting the 20-10 that Edy thinks he should get, he should have been an all-star this season.
If you don't think he has played well, how do you explain him and K-Mart being the two consistent performers for the Nuggs while Melo, JR and Chauncey sat out. He is pouring in 14 and grabbling over 8 rebounds per game, often times as the fourth or fifth option. If he played on a team that didn't have quite so many scorers he would be getting 20-10. He does everything the Nuggets ask; scores almost 60% of the time he touches the ball, plays tough interior defense on the opposing teams center (even leading the team in steals), grabs boards and doesn't get pissy when he gets less touches than the stars.
Shit, almost any team in the league would kill for him, and if we could get one more big man on this squad to help Nene switch to the 4 the Nuggs might be able to take LA.
Thanks for the alley-oop, Pucak. This past Monday, the Nuggets hosted the Kings, a team that they struggle to matchup with. On paper, Nene should have dominated the front court as he was going up against the likes of Spencer Hawes, Jason Thompson and Jon Brockman… Nene finished with a “stellar” 14 and 6 on 6-of-10 shooting as the Nuggets got outrebounded by 15. If it wasn’t for Kmart playing like an all-star this past month (finished with a 24 and 12), we would have lost a few.
You’re correct Pucak, Nene doesn’t bitch about not getting the ball, because he doesn’t care! Unnamed sources say Nene is going to retire after his contract is up in two years… We will see. The only
consistent thing about Nene this season has been his left-handed finger roll/dunk move. It’s a guaranteed two points, he’s just the only one in building not to realize it. Anytime you’re huge and
athletic while constantly having mismatches down low, but still have the opportunity to play like a bitch, you have to take it right?? This is annoying, and I’m starting to annoy myself. I’ll stop now.
JR Smith's struggles: He has not shot the ball well at all this year. Why? I'm thinking two things; 1) He spent some of the summer in the pokey and then was suspended, so he never got in rhythm. 2) He is now signed to Young Money Athletes which means he officially has to be on top of the game for a few months and then spend the rest of the time singing dipshit autotune crap.
I thoroughly enjoy JR’s YM connections. I wish I could say that about his defense and overall attitude toward the game.
Melo vs. Chauncey for Nuggs MVP: I am going with Chauncey. He has carried the team when Melo is out, but the team has bombed without Chauncey. He cares not about himself but for the team. Plus, he has come up with some huge performances, like dropping all those bombs on the bitch ass Lakers. (and there were about 10 more paragraphs here, but then my computer shit the bed.
Toss up right now. Although no other player on the roster will vie for team MVP, Kmart and Aaron Afflalo have been playing lights out as of late. Breaking news: Kmart has a brain and is using it. He realized that he needs to step up in Melo’s absence. And AA is on a whole ‘nother level. Making some huge shots down the stretch. We need to keep this guy.
Side note: The majority of the Nuggets’ last name roster resides in the first three letters of the alphabet. Afflalo, Allen, Andersen, Anthony, Balkman, Billups, Carter. Yeah I know, third quarters of NBA games bore me.
Melo's chances for MVP: He needs to have a few crazy games down the stretch and it wouldn't hurt if Bron-Bron got hurt. He isn't bionic, right? He just missed too much time. But I still feel he is first team All-NBA worthy.
Melo’s injuries will hurt him in the long run, but I think this will make him better in the playoffs. He lets things go to his head too easily (i.e. scoring title) and it affects his game. My prediction: He
finishes 5th.
Nuggets LVP: George Karl, hands down. You know it’s a bad thing when ANY inbounds play that results in a turnover at ANY level of basketball has people saying “They ran the George Karl. FUCK, they ran the Karl!” (hands immediately go to the head)… I really wonder what goes on in the timeout preceding an inbounds play. It’s almost likeGK just hands over coaching duties to high-as-fuck Balkman. We would be much better off running the “Helen Keller,” where everyone just
runs around with their eyes closed, setting picks and ‘feeling’ out the defense.
The Birdman. Injuries and non-contract year have killed him, but he isn't performing as well as we need. He needs to get his shit together.
I know Simmons loves him, but when do we start hating Durant? I mean, when he finally beat us once. He is going to get annoying real soon.
Except, not really… Not sure how you can hate Durant. Seems like a good guy, odds are that he has a smaller cock than Oden. Pure scorer and is getting progressively better from the field. These guys may be scary in the playoffs.
The Durant lovefest is over for me. He already gets more calls than Melo and is way less aggressive.
Favorite Underground Story of the Year: Sandiata Gaines or whatever.
Does anyone else realize that none of the Nuggets have been in any legal trouble this year???? The NBA,….. It’s FAANNtastic.
Headlines I don’t want to see: “Nuggets may bring back Camby”….. Mark Warkenstein, you know better to bring back that frail piece of shit we
call “defense.” Pucak would do a better job on the defensive end, he’s white and extremely uncoordinated.
Only thing worse would be "Nuggets trade for Najera, Boykins." God I hate those assholes. I am upset we didn't get Brendan Haywood.
Newer guys we enjoy watching: Omri Casspi (Kings). Guy can hoop and light it up from downtown. Plus, we have unlimited Jewish jokes when he is on the court, in that case, everybody wins.
Except for Germans.
I am going to have to go with John Wall. Oh, wait, he's not in the league yet. My bust. I guess I'll go with Stephan Curry. Much better than I expected and in the perfect system.
Let's revise our predictions as well. (Original predictions in parenthesis)
Predictions: Trevor/Matt
Eastern Southwest: Atlanta (Miami)/Orlando
Central: Cleveland (Cleveland)/Cleveland
Atlantic: Boston (Boston)/Boston
Western Southwest: Dallas (Houston)/San Antonio
Northwest: Denver (Denver)/Denver
Pacific: LA Lakers (Los Angeles Lakers)/LA Lakers
Eastern Conference Champ: Cleveland (Cleveland)/Boston
Western Conference Champ: LA Lakers/Stern (LA Lakers)/San Antonio
NBA Champs: Cleveland (Cleveland)/San Antonio
Most Valuable Player: LBJ (Lebron James)/Lebron
Rookie of the Year: Tyreke Evans(Brandon Jennings)/Tyreke Evans
Defensive Player of the Year: Josh Smith (Dwight Howard)/Dwight Howard
(even if Battier deserves it)
6th Man: Jamal Crawford (Rasheed Wallace)/Jason Terry
Most Improved Player: Monta Ellis (Emeka Okafor)/Josh Smith (Greg Oden)(which big
man will suck less)
Surprise Team: Toronto (Houston)/Memphis
Surprise Player: Monta Ellis (Ramon Sessions)/Tyreke Evans
Disappointing Team: Washington(Dallas)/New Orleans
Your player predictions are on point. I will begrudgingly admit that. Fuck.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Week 7 and 8
-"Only thing that we care about is gettin' girls. And going to the gym." -The Sit. A great response to the Rammy drama.
-Rammy is that annoying couple that is convinced everyone is jealous when everyone is really just sick of them. I hope they fucking die.
-Snooks has really started growing on me. She is so tiny, so bubbly. And she really is the only one that is able to keep the house together. I hope she finally gets fucked. By John Deere. "I've been with goats, sheep, deer, horses." Has she ever been with a man?
-Why is Vinny worried about the Situation wearing a condom? Or is he just worried about what the girl will catch? Probably the latter.
-Jersey tweet of the week. Jack O: The Jersey Shore "family meeting" was like a re-creation of the Lincoln/Douglas debates.
-The Situation just fucks up the situation. He should trade names with Drama from Fantasy Factory, because Drama never causes drama and always ends up in stupid situations.
He destroys that poor girl, fucking her in the hot tub and then not waking her up. Now that is a way to make it onto MTV. Should have just done a porn movie, honey, at least you would have made some money.
-Vinnie vs. The Situation, Round 1: Mike starts off with a few jabs, but Vinnie comes with a fucking haymaker. "No game? That's not what your sister said." Vin gets the points. V=1, S=0.
-Vin's game is my game. I pull girls that my friends know. I am Vinnie. Edy is the Sit. And guess who hooked up with his "little sister?" Yep.
-Vinnie vs. The Situation, Round 2: At the club, Vinnie starts making moves on Mike's sister again. Then he disses her, but the Sit shows some awesome strength with a wicked reversal by forcing Vin back to her. Vinnie throws some solid shots at the Sit by making out with lil' Sis, but it appears that Mike gets the W when he separates the two at the end of the night. That is until the Situation Without Abs sneaks downstairs to spend the night with Vin. The excitement of this contest blows Pack-Cards out of the water. V=2, S=0.
-Pauly D feelin' the Jew. Until she says no sex til marriage. Record scratch. Pauly D is not on the ones and twos.
-AC bitch. Fitting that a shitty Jersey Shore paradise would have the same initials as the shitty Nugget. Even when I boycott the NBA, reminders everywhere.
Apparently it was "Don't make fun of the fatties" week on MTV. Or body image week. Shockingly, almost every girl on the network has an eating disorder. It's like they seem to have a certain profile they look for on this network.
-A girl in a bubble bath has never been less sexy than Snooks and yet I have never seen anyone over 5 have more fun in a tub (maybe Tubgirl, I dunno) than she did. To see the world through her eyes...
-Vinnie vs. Situation, Round 3: The Situation snakes Vin's girl, and Vinnie gets all sorts of bent out of shape. Deservedly so, but you did not give her up, she just straight left. And Vin, I'm sure a girl that slutty had sucked off a couple of dudes that day before even finding the club. Though the Situation does take this round, Vin sneaks in a late, questionable shot at the bell by letting go of J-Woww so she can throw that twirling, backhanded punch. V=2, S=1.
-"We left the club at 4am and we had been there since 12. That's like 5 hours." -Ronald. Stick to knocking fools out.
-No idea why J-Woww wanted the Sit. to leave. Stupid fucked up bitches, cockblocking out of control. If you throw up, you leave yourself. You don't need any fucking help. Unlike the Sit, who hides behind three body guards and talks shit. Last year Brandon Marshall said Joey Porter had "popcorn muscles." I disagree with Mr. Marshall, but Mike has popcorn muscles for sure.
- "If you leave tonight I'm going to stuff your nose with tampons" Snook to J-Woww
-"I don't really remember his face because I was wasted." Snooks, discussing the new love of her life, John Deere. She is on a fucking roll tonight.
-"I'm not trashy unless I drink to much." -Snooks again. Semi-Mike Tyson-ish tonight with the quotables.
-Turns out that Pauly D's girl is a Mossad agent.
-Vinnie vs. The Sit, Round 4: Vinnie does a Mike impersonation on the phone. Gets rid of the stalker. Mike mixes up some "old funk juice, with a pickley smell" and hides it in Vinnie's room. Advantage Mike, considering that shit lasted like three days. V=2, M=2. Oh man, it is a barnburner.
-"I'm not pissed off that Mike and Pauly put pickles under my bed, I'm pissed that they wasted like two pickles." -Snooks.
-Whatever they are eating while Pauly D tells that bitch off looks amazing. I want some. Philly cheese-steak. MMMMMMMMM.
-What kind of girlfriend watches their man make out with Snooki and then has her friends break it up. WTF is that all about. Then Snooks goes to find a man, who rocks a wicked chin strap. That is someone you can settle down with.
-Ron-Ron lays the fucking Boom-Boom. "One shot kid. One shot bro." Says
-The way that guy is after being knocked out is awesome. Lofty position. Scotty McKnight is jealous. Face down, ass up, that's what happens when we get fucked up.
Winner of the Vinnie vs. Situation battle: In typical Jersey Shore fashion, we'll find out next week....
ON THE FINALE...DUH, DUH, DUUUUNNNNN
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
FREE GILBERT: Boycotting the NBA
Agent Zero is always carrying
(IF you find this blog post a bit rambly and unfocused, it was not that I was up too late while still hungover from a work trip, it was a nod towards Gil's wonderful and ramblin' blog on NBA.com, that the NBA hasn't pulled yet, shockingly. Or at least that is the excuse I am sticking with.)
Until Agent Zero returns I refuse to watch the NBA (live). Oh sure, I wasn't watching much anyway, due to the fact that I don't have Altitude out here and hate several of the marquee players and fans with a smoldering passion, and I am just one man, but what the NBA, aka Stern, did to Gil isn't right. And the Wizards trying to run him off is even worse.
It is well known that Gil is my favorite NBA player. I love him and I refuse to let a little gun possession sway my man-crush. I mean, I live in a state that voted the Terminator in as governor, I think it is clear this country is gun-obsessed. What is worse, starring in tons of movies that glorify violence or telling someone to shoot you in the knee? BUT IT WAS IN AN NBA ARENA.
If Delonte West isn't suspended for his gun-possession and reckless behavior, I don't understand why Gilbert is. The man made a stupid mistake. He should be suspended eventually, probably for about 15-20 games, for that stupidity, and he might have some jail time, but banning him mostly because of his jokes is childish.
Basically the NBA suspended Gil for laughing about the situation. That is how he handles everything. He never threatened anyone, despite Peter Vescey's godawful and incorrect story, so he used Twitter and his fingerpistols dance to lighten the mood and reinforce the fact that he isn't a "gun-toting thug," as he was painted by some in the media. Everyone in that huddle has a look of unbridled joy on their face, they know that Gil isn't really a threat.
It has been argued that Gil had to be suspended because he didn't express regret and was joking about it, but some people handle regret by making jokes. I am one of those people. I can laugh at failure. I hate failure, I hate when I make mistakes, but to get over I would rather laugh it away than cry or feel miserable. The laughter is a coping mechanism. Sorry if that offends people, but I would rather have an athlete be able to laugh at their mistake than have them play the PR game with contrived press conferences and or run away to hide like Tiger.
But image conscious David Stern doesn't like people to make jokes. Still over-correcting from the Brawl in the Palace, Stern is an old, white guy who thinks that white America hates basketball because it is played by young, black men. If someone is that closed-minded that they won't watch a sport because of the race of the players then you aren't winning them over, no matter what.
Quit trying to take the hip-hop and the edge out of the league, to appeal to white folks. I don't love to watch the NBA because of guys like Tim Duncan. Yes, he is a great basketball player, but Arenas connected with me as a fan. I would pay to see him play. He is not only very talented, but he has a sense of humor that the NBA loved, until it went to far once, and then they cut him off and have basically kicked him to the curb.
Just like when Melo got 15 games for slapping someone and Nate Robison got only ten when he started the whole brawl, Stern makes no sense. Fuck that fucking guy.
Gil was the one NBA player who always said what was on his mind, why would he change now? It is the way he deals with stress, he laughs it off. His Twitter account was the most entertaining I have ever seen, even if it only lasted for three days. You shouldn't take a man's livelihood away because of a joke.
There are a ton of NBA players who have done worse, and they saw little to no punishment, but Gilbert is unfit to play because he isn't PC? That makes no sense. Ruben Patterson is a fucking registered sex offender but he gets to play again. I already mentioned D-West. JR killed a guy. Todd Bertuzzi gets to play hockey after paralyzing a guy. Shit, is this country so reactive that we will throw Gil out of the league for putting himself in danger.
If the NBA even gave a timetable for the suspension I could see it, but just an indefinite suspension. That just makes it tough for unstable people like Gil and myself to deal with.
And the Wizards organization is the worst. They made a mistake signing Gil's huge contract, but now they are using this opportunity to try to cut their losses. Ernie Grunfeld handed Gil too much money and, in order to save his job, now is trying to save his own ass by cutting Gil loose after ratting him out to the league office. The organization then got rid of everything Gil, taking down pictures and editing him out of pregame videos. This is all based on the moral high ground that recently deceased Abe Pollin hated guns (why he changed the name from Bullets to the uber-gay Wizards). But the Wiz still sell Bullets merchandise and obviously weren't super anti-gun, as two players on the team felt comfortable taking them into the locker room.
The NBA has a gun culture. Tons of players have been robbed. Shit, Gil plays in the same city where Sean Taylor played, I think he might know the danger being a rich celebrity has. He isn't the first, nor will he be the last NBA player who brings a gun to the arena. I guarantee you that many of them carry, and Devin Harris' 75% statement is probably true. So will they make an example out of Gil because this story was sensationalized? I guess they are.
And until I have my Gilbert back I won't be watching any NBA games live. Or until I forget about this pledge the next time the Nuggets are on TNT.
Bonus Prediction:
When Gil gets back in the league, and I say when, not if, he is going to fucking kill the league. He has always had an edge and has punished teams for screwing him over, and maybe his huge contract took off that edge and made him feel bulletproof (pun intended), but no one wants to play an angry Agent Zero, I can tell you that.
(IF you find this blog post a bit rambly and unfocused, it was not that I was up too late while still hungover from a work trip, it was a nod towards Gil's wonderful and ramblin' blog on NBA.com, that the NBA hasn't pulled yet, shockingly. Or at least that is the excuse I am sticking with.)
Until Agent Zero returns I refuse to watch the NBA (live). Oh sure, I wasn't watching much anyway, due to the fact that I don't have Altitude out here and hate several of the marquee players and fans with a smoldering passion, and I am just one man, but what the NBA, aka Stern, did to Gil isn't right. And the Wizards trying to run him off is even worse.
It is well known that Gil is my favorite NBA player. I love him and I refuse to let a little gun possession sway my man-crush. I mean, I live in a state that voted the Terminator in as governor, I think it is clear this country is gun-obsessed. What is worse, starring in tons of movies that glorify violence or telling someone to shoot you in the knee? BUT IT WAS IN AN NBA ARENA.
If Delonte West isn't suspended for his gun-possession and reckless behavior, I don't understand why Gilbert is. The man made a stupid mistake. He should be suspended eventually, probably for about 15-20 games, for that stupidity, and he might have some jail time, but banning him mostly because of his jokes is childish.
Basically the NBA suspended Gil for laughing about the situation. That is how he handles everything. He never threatened anyone, despite Peter Vescey's godawful and incorrect story, so he used Twitter and his fingerpistols dance to lighten the mood and reinforce the fact that he isn't a "gun-toting thug," as he was painted by some in the media. Everyone in that huddle has a look of unbridled joy on their face, they know that Gil isn't really a threat.
It has been argued that Gil had to be suspended because he didn't express regret and was joking about it, but some people handle regret by making jokes. I am one of those people. I can laugh at failure. I hate failure, I hate when I make mistakes, but to get over I would rather laugh it away than cry or feel miserable. The laughter is a coping mechanism. Sorry if that offends people, but I would rather have an athlete be able to laugh at their mistake than have them play the PR game with contrived press conferences and or run away to hide like Tiger.
But image conscious David Stern doesn't like people to make jokes. Still over-correcting from the Brawl in the Palace, Stern is an old, white guy who thinks that white America hates basketball because it is played by young, black men. If someone is that closed-minded that they won't watch a sport because of the race of the players then you aren't winning them over, no matter what.
Quit trying to take the hip-hop and the edge out of the league, to appeal to white folks. I don't love to watch the NBA because of guys like Tim Duncan. Yes, he is a great basketball player, but Arenas connected with me as a fan. I would pay to see him play. He is not only very talented, but he has a sense of humor that the NBA loved, until it went to far once, and then they cut him off and have basically kicked him to the curb.
Just like when Melo got 15 games for slapping someone and Nate Robison got only ten when he started the whole brawl, Stern makes no sense. Fuck that fucking guy.
Gil was the one NBA player who always said what was on his mind, why would he change now? It is the way he deals with stress, he laughs it off. His Twitter account was the most entertaining I have ever seen, even if it only lasted for three days. You shouldn't take a man's livelihood away because of a joke.
There are a ton of NBA players who have done worse, and they saw little to no punishment, but Gilbert is unfit to play because he isn't PC? That makes no sense. Ruben Patterson is a fucking registered sex offender but he gets to play again. I already mentioned D-West. JR killed a guy. Todd Bertuzzi gets to play hockey after paralyzing a guy. Shit, is this country so reactive that we will throw Gil out of the league for putting himself in danger.
If the NBA even gave a timetable for the suspension I could see it, but just an indefinite suspension. That just makes it tough for unstable people like Gil and myself to deal with.
And the Wizards organization is the worst. They made a mistake signing Gil's huge contract, but now they are using this opportunity to try to cut their losses. Ernie Grunfeld handed Gil too much money and, in order to save his job, now is trying to save his own ass by cutting Gil loose after ratting him out to the league office. The organization then got rid of everything Gil, taking down pictures and editing him out of pregame videos. This is all based on the moral high ground that recently deceased Abe Pollin hated guns (why he changed the name from Bullets to the uber-gay Wizards). But the Wiz still sell Bullets merchandise and obviously weren't super anti-gun, as two players on the team felt comfortable taking them into the locker room.
The NBA has a gun culture. Tons of players have been robbed. Shit, Gil plays in the same city where Sean Taylor played, I think he might know the danger being a rich celebrity has. He isn't the first, nor will he be the last NBA player who brings a gun to the arena. I guarantee you that many of them carry, and Devin Harris' 75% statement is probably true. So will they make an example out of Gil because this story was sensationalized? I guess they are.
And until I have my Gilbert back I won't be watching any NBA games live. Or until I forget about this pledge the next time the Nuggets are on TNT.
Bonus Prediction:
When Gil gets back in the league, and I say when, not if, he is going to fucking kill the league. He has always had an edge and has punished teams for screwing him over, and maybe his huge contract took off that edge and made him feel bulletproof (pun intended), but no one wants to play an angry Agent Zero, I can tell you that.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Week 6
Sorry this is late, but because of some issues with DirectTV tivo (i.e. it sucks my balls) I was unable to give you my Jersey Shore Situation until now.
Yep. Shit is going down. Vinnie finally did something productive in this show by stealing the bosses girl, now we get to see what happens. And hopefully Ron-Ron beats some ass. And hopefully people say horrible things that I can quote and then mock. Armed with Admiral Nelson, Hornitos and a splash of Pepsi (El Generilisimo, I dub this concoction), to the
-The Vinnie
-"I usually don't feel bad taking someone else's girl, per se, because that is the girl's fault." Touche, Vin, touche.
-GTL. Rules to live by in your Guido handbook. That is Gym, Tanning, Laundry. There is so much work that goes into being a Guido, I don't think I could do it.
-Vinne is a creeper, just like all the other Guidos, but he is just silent. His efforts to pull Mike's sister were awesome, and according to the aftershow, the cast said that they thought Vinnie
[Sidenote: Am I the only one really confused by these Guidos making a really big deal about little shit like making out, holding hands, etc. IF you are at a club like the ones they go to, dancing all up on each other's shit is just socially acceptable, and many times it leads to making out, but it really doesn't mean jack shit. I'm not sure it really even counts as hooking up. The Sit getting all uppity about holding hands with Sam and then making out with Ronnie is ridiculous. You aren't in high school (though their mindsets may be), I think an appendage has to be inserted into an orifice to qualify as hooking up, but maybe that is just me. I know hook-ups aren't limited to sex, but I don't think making out on a dance floor equals hooking up either, right?]
-For a guy who didn't really do anything besides get Pink Eye from a farting old lady (at least according to Mikey) in the first couple of episodes, Vinnie apparently was at work below the surface. Again, the aftershow divulged that he was involved with several ladies, almost all of whom were connected to someone else in the house (Sit's sister, J-Woww's friend, Danny's girl and maybe Angelina's friend early on). Slick and admirable, at least to me, since I have discovered this is more my game than pulling random girls at bars.
-"I'm like the first strike, reconnaissance." -Situation
-Snookers: "If one thing leads to another, I'm not going to tell him to get off." I would hope you help him get off. That joke was too easy.
But then she gives the guy an out. You can never do that. If you aren't a prize catch yourself you can't give hope of something better. People will always choose Door #2.
-I love that Sammie gets so butthurt about her "Flintstone big toe." What a fucking whiny bitch. Her and Ronnie are fucking worthless. It is good her and the Sit never really got together, or else that would totally have ruined his role. Ronaldino is so whipped it hurts me. The best is when she calls her big toe a "personal issue." I have just begun skipping through their scenes. Fucking worthless.
-"Unbelievable, huh, Snooks. It is so hard to find a good man these days, that is why I date women." -Pauly D with a quote as nice as his beats.
-When it appears that Ronnie has broken up with Sam, I love that Vinnie is happy as fuck. No one like those two. It was very ballsy of Snooks to just straight up tell Ron and Sam that everyone hates them. Actually not Ballsy as it was just the liquor talking. My bad.
-Ronnie goes to "Creep" on some girls. It is good to know that Creeping is an acceptable term for picking up chicks. Glad to know Guido and Creep are both positive connotations these days.
-Mike ask Snook to kick out the fat one. "Will I know?" "Oh yeah, you'll know."
-The undercard: Snookers vs. Fat Bitches: Basically, Snookie needs to learn to fight or duck, according to Pauly. And Mike really needs to figure out how to quit bringing baggage back to the house. Has anyone had a worse reputation from reality TV than the blond grenade since Omarosa? A cockblock and a charging Rhino. She is probably the only person who doesn't love this show.
-"Your ride's here." Vinnie to the fat girls, as the trash truck pulls up.
-Snookie's attack on Mike, with what appears to be a giant inflatable monkey kills me, especially finishing the attack with a risky backside balls shot while he carries her over his shoulders.
-I need Vinnie's mom to visit me once a week.
-Sam and Ron are like gasoline and matches. Or Pauly D and a barbecue.
-The Main Event: Ronnie whooped that guys ass. Granted that guy was fucked up as shit, but he got fucking mashed. The only time Ron really got hit was right at the end as they were separating (or, as I like to call it, the Chubbs Special). I can't wait for the Jersey Shore Boxing/Wrestling/Ultimate Fighting Show five years down the road. Or maybe these Guids will move on to compete in the Real World/Road Rules shit, since I'm pretty sure Road Rules last aired in 1999.
-Ronnie decides to cool down by flipping picnic tables. Over/under one-year until Ronnie pulls a Charlie Sheen. I'll choose the under. He'll beat Sammie like Fred Flintstone used to Barney.
Next Week: In Guido Mecca, J-Woww beats Mike's ass. I can't wait.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
The Weekend Sack-Up: There's the Kyle Orton we all know and hate
I watched about five minutes of yesterday's game. If I wanted to watch a three-hour disaster where I knew the ending I would rather watch Titanic, because at least there are boobs in that. Denver missed the playoffs when they shit the bed against Washington and Oakland. Still, my futile effort was better than the one made by the Denver defense in getting reamed by the immortal Jamal Charles.
Oh, and Kyle Orton certainly dealt with the loss of Scheffler, Royal and Marshall by getting blacked out to the point that he thought Derrick Johnson was wearing blue and orange while channeling Cutty-Buddy.
All I know is the Broncos better vastly improve on both the offensive and defensive lines next season. You win games in the trenches and we got destroyed there like the French in WWII.
I also know that I am going to miss Brandon Marshall. He is a beast, but I see no way that he comes back. Hopefully we get some compensation for him. McDaniels needs to find us a QB.
Three years in a row we have blown the home finale with a playoff spot on the line. Fuck that shit.
I guess, based on the way the year started with McD pissing off everyone and alienating Cutler, this shouldn't have been a surprise, but after a 6-0 start this is still severely disappointing. At least I'm not a fan of a team that lost 9 straight to lose the season (oh wait. Thanks to CSU my football teams have combined for two wins in their last 17 games. WOOOOOO)
Oh, and if you expected pictures you can go fuck yourself. I'm pretty happy that I was able to make it out of bed today. If you hear of a slaughter of Chargers fans in the next couple of days, you should probably wipe this blog from your internet history, lest you be culpable somehow.
Nuggs: Chauncey and Melo out and the Nuggs at least pulled off one W. Get healthy, boys.
CSU Basketball: Beat the shit out of Yale. How Do You Like Them Apples? /Matt Damon movie. What, wrong school? All those Ivy League schools can go suck a dick anyway.
Also, if you are a CSU fan you need to check out Reaching the Peak, the CSU basketball reality TV show. It is on the MTN, but actually pretty well done. Timmy Miles cracks me up every time, especially his constant speculation about Jesse Carr's pelvis. (How is that for a teaser).
CSU Football: Joel Dreessen had his best NFL game ever for the Texans. Check out this shit:
Fort Morgan's Own
Too bad guys named Chris/Kris Brown combined to cost the Texans at least four games this year.
New Years and Club Shit: New Year's Eve at the club was actually very uneventful. The day before NYE was much more eventful. It was the night of the Holiday Bowl, so all sort of Nebraska and Arizona fans and players dropped by afterward. Ndakumognganga Suh was there as well. But the real highlight was my first semi-chokehold and kneedrop on some drunk asshole who tried to run away after getting into a fight and knocking over some shit.
The clapping wasn't necessary, but thank you.
New Years consisted of a really boring night watching amatures get way too hammered, but at the end of the night my bosses rented a party bus and a suite at a badass Sheridan that overlooked the bay. So while most of you assholes were passing out after getting cleared out from the bars, I was drinking free booze. All night and until the sun rose.
Then, as the sun was rising over the lovely Pacific Ocean, I took a cab to a bar that had opened at 6AM for 3$ U-Call-Its. I had a few Bloody Marys before finally heading home to pass out at 8:30AM. That is how New Year's is done.
Avalanche: Still rolling along at a pretty good pace. 18 games until the trade deadline, the Avs need to make a little push so they can add a couple of pieces at the deadline (I'm thinking a couple of veteran wingers who play good D while also being able to chip in a few goals.
Rockies: Miguel Olivo instead of Yorvitt. Not sure that is what I would call an upgrade. Hopefully Dreamy Iannetta hits above .220.
Tweets of the Week:
gilbertarenas: i guess everyone wants me to act like the rest of the nba twitters players...(i bought a shirt today from the mall)(practice was tough 2 day
-Yep, Gilbert began tweeting this week. I wonder why? Do they not let you tweet from jail?
Seriously, I'm sure it was just a joke gone awry, as he said. The man made a dumb decision, but he shouldn't be sent to jail, ala Chedder Plax. This shit will blow over, I hope. Because the man is Nick Cannon. Hil-Lar-E-Ous.
jimgaffigan: "I gotta feeling" that I'm gonna get really sick of that Black Eyed Peas song.
-I will stab Fergie if I ever see her, but she probably won't come back to SD after pissing her pants during Street Fest a few years ago.
Go Fuck Yourself: Every week I choose someone special to fuck off. This week, it is Fox:
Dear Fox,
You need to stop broadcasting college football. You are fucking awful. Just fucking pathetic. So go fuck yourselves.
You make me so angry while watching games that I yell at my father to put it on mute. Thom Brennamen and whatever other shitcunts that you have in the booth continue to call players the wrong name and only slurp the stars, because these games, only the biggest of the year, are probably the only games that they have watched all year. Plus, I get Jimmie fucking Johnson and other dickeared manginas telling me about the game, like that asshole has watched a college football game since he left Miami in 1988.
Plus, you have way to many fan and band shots. Instead of showing interesting stuff like replays or stats. Nope, I get 5000 shots of Potato-fucking clowns from Boise wearing TOTALLY RAD facepaint. And if you must show fans, show hot girls. Find a few, and just show them. I have been TCU, I know that there are only atractive girls everywhere. How your cameras kept zooming in on purple fatties I will never know. As for Boise, errr, well, put Ian Johnson's fiance at one of the 40 yard-lines and cut to her. I understand hot girls from Idaho are hard to find.
You finally found some hot TCU girls crying at the end, when it was far too late. I don't want to see crying hot girls, that is the time that I like the beautiful shots of the crying fatties and kids.
And please, bands are not to be shown up close. Show them from the fucking blimp, spelling out cool stuff on the field. Those fucking nerds are the dregs of humanity and have no business on my TV. If I was fortunate enough to have an HDTV I would have been forced to switch to the regular feed.
GO FUCK YOURSELVES
P.S. Troy Aikman and Joe Buck are so shitty that they influenced my hatred, without ever appearing on my TV screen.
This Week: I'm terrible at following the schedule I set, but you will get two Jersey Shore updates this week. Guido's honor. One from last week and one from Thursday's show. The Nuggets/NBA discussion will be moved back a week or so at least, it will just be a midseason report, not a 1/3 season.
Oh, and Kyle Orton certainly dealt with the loss of Scheffler, Royal and Marshall by getting blacked out to the point that he thought Derrick Johnson was wearing blue and orange while channeling Cutty-Buddy.
All I know is the Broncos better vastly improve on both the offensive and defensive lines next season. You win games in the trenches and we got destroyed there like the French in WWII.
I also know that I am going to miss Brandon Marshall. He is a beast, but I see no way that he comes back. Hopefully we get some compensation for him. McDaniels needs to find us a QB.
Three years in a row we have blown the home finale with a playoff spot on the line. Fuck that shit.
I guess, based on the way the year started with McD pissing off everyone and alienating Cutler, this shouldn't have been a surprise, but after a 6-0 start this is still severely disappointing. At least I'm not a fan of a team that lost 9 straight to lose the season (oh wait. Thanks to CSU my football teams have combined for two wins in their last 17 games. WOOOOOO)
Oh, and if you expected pictures you can go fuck yourself. I'm pretty happy that I was able to make it out of bed today. If you hear of a slaughter of Chargers fans in the next couple of days, you should probably wipe this blog from your internet history, lest you be culpable somehow.
Nuggs: Chauncey and Melo out and the Nuggs at least pulled off one W. Get healthy, boys.
CSU Basketball: Beat the shit out of Yale. How Do You Like Them Apples? /Matt Damon movie. What, wrong school? All those Ivy League schools can go suck a dick anyway.
Also, if you are a CSU fan you need to check out Reaching the Peak, the CSU basketball reality TV show. It is on the MTN, but actually pretty well done. Timmy Miles cracks me up every time, especially his constant speculation about Jesse Carr's pelvis. (How is that for a teaser).
CSU Football: Joel Dreessen had his best NFL game ever for the Texans. Check out this shit:
Fort Morgan's Own
Too bad guys named Chris/Kris Brown combined to cost the Texans at least four games this year.
New Years and Club Shit: New Year's Eve at the club was actually very uneventful. The day before NYE was much more eventful. It was the night of the Holiday Bowl, so all sort of Nebraska and Arizona fans and players dropped by afterward. Ndakumognganga Suh was there as well. But the real highlight was my first semi-chokehold and kneedrop on some drunk asshole who tried to run away after getting into a fight and knocking over some shit.
The clapping wasn't necessary, but thank you.
New Years consisted of a really boring night watching amatures get way too hammered, but at the end of the night my bosses rented a party bus and a suite at a badass Sheridan that overlooked the bay. So while most of you assholes were passing out after getting cleared out from the bars, I was drinking free booze. All night and until the sun rose.
Then, as the sun was rising over the lovely Pacific Ocean, I took a cab to a bar that had opened at 6AM for 3$ U-Call-Its. I had a few Bloody Marys before finally heading home to pass out at 8:30AM. That is how New Year's is done.
Avalanche: Still rolling along at a pretty good pace. 18 games until the trade deadline, the Avs need to make a little push so they can add a couple of pieces at the deadline (I'm thinking a couple of veteran wingers who play good D while also being able to chip in a few goals.
Rockies: Miguel Olivo instead of Yorvitt. Not sure that is what I would call an upgrade. Hopefully Dreamy Iannetta hits above .220.
Tweets of the Week:
gilbertarenas: i guess everyone wants me to act like the rest of the nba twitters players...(i bought a shirt today from the mall)(practice was tough 2 day
-Yep, Gilbert began tweeting this week. I wonder why? Do they not let you tweet from jail?
Seriously, I'm sure it was just a joke gone awry, as he said. The man made a dumb decision, but he shouldn't be sent to jail, ala Chedder Plax. This shit will blow over, I hope. Because the man is Nick Cannon. Hil-Lar-E-Ous.
jimgaffigan: "I gotta feeling" that I'm gonna get really sick of that Black Eyed Peas song.
-I will stab Fergie if I ever see her, but she probably won't come back to SD after pissing her pants during Street Fest a few years ago.
Go Fuck Yourself: Every week I choose someone special to fuck off. This week, it is Fox:
Dear Fox,
You need to stop broadcasting college football. You are fucking awful. Just fucking pathetic. So go fuck yourselves.
You make me so angry while watching games that I yell at my father to put it on mute. Thom Brennamen and whatever other shitcunts that you have in the booth continue to call players the wrong name and only slurp the stars, because these games, only the biggest of the year, are probably the only games that they have watched all year. Plus, I get Jimmie fucking Johnson and other dickeared manginas telling me about the game, like that asshole has watched a college football game since he left Miami in 1988.
Plus, you have way to many fan and band shots. Instead of showing interesting stuff like replays or stats. Nope, I get 5000 shots of Potato-fucking clowns from Boise wearing TOTALLY RAD facepaint. And if you must show fans, show hot girls. Find a few, and just show them. I have been TCU, I know that there are only atractive girls everywhere. How your cameras kept zooming in on purple fatties I will never know. As for Boise, errr, well, put Ian Johnson's fiance at one of the 40 yard-lines and cut to her. I understand hot girls from Idaho are hard to find.
You finally found some hot TCU girls crying at the end, when it was far too late. I don't want to see crying hot girls, that is the time that I like the beautiful shots of the crying fatties and kids.
And please, bands are not to be shown up close. Show them from the fucking blimp, spelling out cool stuff on the field. Those fucking nerds are the dregs of humanity and have no business on my TV. If I was fortunate enough to have an HDTV I would have been forced to switch to the regular feed.
GO FUCK YOURSELVES
P.S. Troy Aikman and Joe Buck are so shitty that they influenced my hatred, without ever appearing on my TV screen.
This Week: I'm terrible at following the schedule I set, but you will get two Jersey Shore updates this week. Guido's honor. One from last week and one from Thursday's show. The Nuggets/NBA discussion will be moved back a week or so at least, it will just be a midseason report, not a 1/3 season.
Monday, November 23, 2009
The Weekend Sack-Up: This keeps getting better and better...
(No pictures, I am too damn pissed to do that much work)
Am I trapped in a movie? A stupid, slackstick comedy, where I am in the Belly of the Whale stage (Sophomore Core ftw) and I ponder aloud "Could this get any worse?" only to have a piano fall and crush my car or some shit. Because it sure feels like it. It seems like yesterday CSU was killin' it, the Broncos were the tits, the Avs were cherry, the Rocks were epic and the Nuggs were mint (80s slang factor +1). Now, everything smells like taint and I don't want to look. The Nuggets only look good, but even they lost to the shitty LA team. What the fuck?
It is very nice that it is Thanksgiving and I will be with family all week (in lovely Sedona, Arizona) or else it might be wise for one of my readers to alert some mental health experts to check on me (Sedona is actually my aliby, as I will be hunting down both starting quarterbacks in today's game. SHHHH. I've got Marmalard in my sights, he is taunting a child whose balloon popped). Seriously, shit is falling apart. I don't like it. We will go from worst to somewhat marginal as I grasp for silver linings:
CSU: CSU is so bad we aren't even inventing new ways to lose, we are being lazy and making knockoffs of 2006/07. This weekend's game against New Mexico was a carbon copy of the 2007 loss to New Mexico. Is there hope against Wyoming? I guess, but this Rams team just refuses to win. There are some bright spots for next season, as several young players made some big plays, but if CSU can't find a quarterback by next season it won't matter. Steve Fairchild and this team have gone from the Penthouse to the outhouse in just 8 games, and he better figure some shit out this offseason or he may not make it to year 4. I have been disapointed to be a CSU fan often, it goes with the territory, but this loss makes me embarrased.
Usually I have laid the blame on the fact that CSU was out-manned, but in this game the coaching staff didn't help at all. The staff didn't take a timeout with about 45 seconds left as New Mexico was obviously trying to set up for a field goal, allowing them to run the clock down to 15 seconds. Why not take the timeouts? We ran out of time in that game with one timeout in our pocket. At least it would have made New Mexico run another play, and as we saw against Weber State, sometimes one play can make a huge difference. I advocated a change from Sonny because too often his staff fucked up games like this, and last season this staff was aggressive and found ways to win. This season the team has regressed to the exact same place as 2007. I now wonder if we would have been in a better place by just keeping Sonny and skipping all the drama. This sucks.
The worst was the fact that the Rams could have stolen a win twice, when New Mexico muffed the CSU punt, only to have the lone Lobo in the area steal the ball from about six Rams and when CSU gave up the easiest 4th-and-3 ever on the final drive. Besides Sisson, Oppeneer and sometimes Elijah Blu-Smith, it seems no Rams defenders have the ability to make a big play. Weak. Jon Mosure's fumble was also terribily costly.
Broncos: The only reason this isn't the worst is that this game was fucked up from the start. It was just one of those games where everything that could go wrong, did.
-The Broncos had to start a back-up QB, when our starter isn't even that good.
-That back-up fumbled on his first drop back, killing all our early momentum.
-I am convinced that Knowshon scored before that fumble. He hit the gaurd's knee with the ball, and the guard's knee was in the end zone/on the goal line. Why the NFL doesn't have camera's on both goallines? I have asked this before and I will until it happens. The league makes billions and can't figure this out. This play was so crucial, and yet I saw two angles of it, none which made it very clear.
-Prior to the Broncos lone points, on third down Eddie Royal was held in his route and Merriman dove at an injured Kyle Orton's legs. That should have been two penalties, instead none were called. The Chargers only had one penalty called on them all game (two were nullified by calls on the Broncos as well), while the Broncos had 9. An entire NFL game and only three violations? Dubious, if you ask me.
-The Broncos didn't seem to bring much pressure and I have no clue why. Are we that scared of Phillip River's deep lobs that we won't rush. It was the key to the game last time and we sat back and let him pick us apart.
-The onside kick was baller, minus the Broncos failing to jump on the football. McD realized that it was now or never for the Broncos to grab some momentum and he risked it all. It failed, but I liked the gamble. I would rather get stomped 32-3 and have pulled everything out of the bag than to lose like 20-3 by taking the conventional NFL Head Coach route of deficit moderation.
-I'm really glad I'm not working this week or else I might stab my boss.
In da club: It was a very busy week, but nothing matched last week in the wierd category. Craziest thing was when some girl rubbed/grabbed the butt of one of our Gogo dancers (who may be dating Owen Wilson, if rumors are to be trusted). I usually am cool with girl-on-girl action, but everyone knows you don't touch the dancers. Sadly I was unable to break my choke-hold virginity on a girl, but I did have to escort her out.
Thursday I went into work and was told to post up six feet from a pole with three award winning pole dancers taking turns for about an hour-and-a-half. It really is a tough job. In order not to stare at them I also placed myself so that I could see them in the reflection of a mirror, thus I looked like I was scanning the crowd while I just kept watching. Sometimes I am smart.
Avalanche: Taking a page out of the CSU playbook by blowing leads late in the game. Not good. I want a reason to be able to watch hockey in March and April (or at least complain to Direct TV that I don't have VS). Please get your shit figured out.
-Matty Duchene is starting to score on the reg (/Kenny Powers). This makes me so happy. The kid is fucking awesome and he will be a star sooner rather than later.
Tweet of the week: (follow MessiahThaDon) A tie this week between QBs traded for each other:
KingNeckbeard: Coach says i'm too drunk to start... What a flaming pile of horseshit! I only got this drunk so my ankle wouldn't hurt fuckface!
NotJayCutler : Watching Chris Simms throw is like watching Mozart paint.
Nuggets: The fucking Clippers? Without the Black Ginger. Fuck me. At least you righted your shit and beat those bitch ass Bulls.
-JR is blowing kisses to the crowd and that makes me happy.
-Birdman may be getting back to decent. I thought we were gonna have to start dolling out the coke to get him all excited again.
Rockies: Guess who is not on the 40-man roster? Yorvit. YEEEEESSSSSS. Sign that motherfucker next September, but until then keep his .200 average and spaghetti arm out of Coors.
Coming up this week: To counteract all this negativity, I will fill a post of many of the people, websites and videos that make me love sports. Ya know, it is Thanksgiving week. Then a Pregaming edition for Wyoming, which will involve me trying to recount my Border War blackout last year.
Am I trapped in a movie? A stupid, slackstick comedy, where I am in the Belly of the Whale stage (Sophomore Core ftw) and I ponder aloud "Could this get any worse?" only to have a piano fall and crush my car or some shit. Because it sure feels like it. It seems like yesterday CSU was killin' it, the Broncos were the tits, the Avs were cherry, the Rocks were epic and the Nuggs were mint (80s slang factor +1). Now, everything smells like taint and I don't want to look. The Nuggets only look good, but even they lost to the shitty LA team. What the fuck?
It is very nice that it is Thanksgiving and I will be with family all week (in lovely Sedona, Arizona) or else it might be wise for one of my readers to alert some mental health experts to check on me (Sedona is actually my aliby, as I will be hunting down both starting quarterbacks in today's game. SHHHH. I've got Marmalard in my sights, he is taunting a child whose balloon popped). Seriously, shit is falling apart. I don't like it. We will go from worst to somewhat marginal as I grasp for silver linings:
CSU: CSU is so bad we aren't even inventing new ways to lose, we are being lazy and making knockoffs of 2006/07. This weekend's game against New Mexico was a carbon copy of the 2007 loss to New Mexico. Is there hope against Wyoming? I guess, but this Rams team just refuses to win. There are some bright spots for next season, as several young players made some big plays, but if CSU can't find a quarterback by next season it won't matter. Steve Fairchild and this team have gone from the Penthouse to the outhouse in just 8 games, and he better figure some shit out this offseason or he may not make it to year 4. I have been disapointed to be a CSU fan often, it goes with the territory, but this loss makes me embarrased.
Usually I have laid the blame on the fact that CSU was out-manned, but in this game the coaching staff didn't help at all. The staff didn't take a timeout with about 45 seconds left as New Mexico was obviously trying to set up for a field goal, allowing them to run the clock down to 15 seconds. Why not take the timeouts? We ran out of time in that game with one timeout in our pocket. At least it would have made New Mexico run another play, and as we saw against Weber State, sometimes one play can make a huge difference. I advocated a change from Sonny because too often his staff fucked up games like this, and last season this staff was aggressive and found ways to win. This season the team has regressed to the exact same place as 2007. I now wonder if we would have been in a better place by just keeping Sonny and skipping all the drama. This sucks.
The worst was the fact that the Rams could have stolen a win twice, when New Mexico muffed the CSU punt, only to have the lone Lobo in the area steal the ball from about six Rams and when CSU gave up the easiest 4th-and-3 ever on the final drive. Besides Sisson, Oppeneer and sometimes Elijah Blu-Smith, it seems no Rams defenders have the ability to make a big play. Weak. Jon Mosure's fumble was also terribily costly.
Broncos: The only reason this isn't the worst is that this game was fucked up from the start. It was just one of those games where everything that could go wrong, did.
-The Broncos had to start a back-up QB, when our starter isn't even that good.
-That back-up fumbled on his first drop back, killing all our early momentum.
-I am convinced that Knowshon scored before that fumble. He hit the gaurd's knee with the ball, and the guard's knee was in the end zone/on the goal line. Why the NFL doesn't have camera's on both goallines? I have asked this before and I will until it happens. The league makes billions and can't figure this out. This play was so crucial, and yet I saw two angles of it, none which made it very clear.
-Prior to the Broncos lone points, on third down Eddie Royal was held in his route and Merriman dove at an injured Kyle Orton's legs. That should have been two penalties, instead none were called. The Chargers only had one penalty called on them all game (two were nullified by calls on the Broncos as well), while the Broncos had 9. An entire NFL game and only three violations? Dubious, if you ask me.
-The Broncos didn't seem to bring much pressure and I have no clue why. Are we that scared of Phillip River's deep lobs that we won't rush. It was the key to the game last time and we sat back and let him pick us apart.
-The onside kick was baller, minus the Broncos failing to jump on the football. McD realized that it was now or never for the Broncos to grab some momentum and he risked it all. It failed, but I liked the gamble. I would rather get stomped 32-3 and have pulled everything out of the bag than to lose like 20-3 by taking the conventional NFL Head Coach route of deficit moderation.
-I'm really glad I'm not working this week or else I might stab my boss.
In da club: It was a very busy week, but nothing matched last week in the wierd category. Craziest thing was when some girl rubbed/grabbed the butt of one of our Gogo dancers (who may be dating Owen Wilson, if rumors are to be trusted). I usually am cool with girl-on-girl action, but everyone knows you don't touch the dancers. Sadly I was unable to break my choke-hold virginity on a girl, but I did have to escort her out.
Thursday I went into work and was told to post up six feet from a pole with three award winning pole dancers taking turns for about an hour-and-a-half. It really is a tough job. In order not to stare at them I also placed myself so that I could see them in the reflection of a mirror, thus I looked like I was scanning the crowd while I just kept watching. Sometimes I am smart.
Avalanche: Taking a page out of the CSU playbook by blowing leads late in the game. Not good. I want a reason to be able to watch hockey in March and April (or at least complain to Direct TV that I don't have VS). Please get your shit figured out.
-Matty Duchene is starting to score on the reg (/Kenny Powers). This makes me so happy. The kid is fucking awesome and he will be a star sooner rather than later.
Tweet of the week: (follow MessiahThaDon) A tie this week between QBs traded for each other:
KingNeckbeard: Coach says i'm too drunk to start... What a flaming pile of horseshit! I only got this drunk so my ankle wouldn't hurt fuckface!
NotJayCutler : Watching Chris Simms throw is like watching Mozart paint.
Nuggets: The fucking Clippers? Without the Black Ginger. Fuck me. At least you righted your shit and beat those bitch ass Bulls.
-JR is blowing kisses to the crowd and that makes me happy.
-Birdman may be getting back to decent. I thought we were gonna have to start dolling out the coke to get him all excited again.
Rockies: Guess who is not on the 40-man roster? Yorvit. YEEEEESSSSSS. Sign that motherfucker next September, but until then keep his .200 average and spaghetti arm out of Coors.
Coming up this week: To counteract all this negativity, I will fill a post of many of the people, websites and videos that make me love sports. Ya know, it is Thanksgiving week. Then a Pregaming edition for Wyoming, which will involve me trying to recount my Border War blackout last year.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Sack and Edy discuss the NBA, Part II (finally) [Edy insults aplenty]
I welcome my readers to this preseason, first week semi early in the year NBA preview on Sackrilegious. Again, I welcome Mr. Trevor Edy to discuss the NBA (Remember this Nuggs Preview from about 2 months ago? Neither do I. Blame is on Edy, more on that later). I welcome him like you welcome Jehova's Witnesses into your house. Reminder: he speaks in Italics, because that is the way I imagine his French ancestors spoke. I speak in the noble font you know as normal.
This is a little all over the place, but is that really surprising in any way?
When life gives you hate, make Haterade.
When prompted to write about the NBA by a friend, recycle jokes from freshman year. Glad you're bringing the A-game.
We need to give Ty Lawson some love: He is quick. Both Edy and I forgot to mention him during our Nuggets preview, and that was inexcusable. Again, I blame AC, whose suckiness melted my brain. A back-up point guard who comes in and changes the pace of the game, but in a good way. Egads! This does work better than a turnover machine.
This is a little all over the place, but is that really surprising in any way?
When life gives you hate, make Haterade.
When prompted to write about the NBA by a friend, recycle jokes from freshman year. Glad you're bringing the A-game.
We need to give Ty Lawson some love: He is quick. Both Edy and I forgot to mention him during our Nuggets preview, and that was inexcusable. Again, I blame AC, whose suckiness melted my brain. A back-up point guard who comes in and changes the pace of the game, but in a good way. Egads! This does work better than a turnover machine.
Something we failed to address in the last post. Ty Lawson is going to have me saying “Is this real life????” (insert kid from dentist video) many times this season. He looks like a cross between Sherron Collins and Mateen Cleaves, but has game like Chris Paul, already. You know what this means, less minutes for AC-eeeeeeeeeee. AC can go take his green hummer and shove it up his ass… from the bench, of course.
Most hated player in the league: LeBron. I really seem to dislike him and the fact that everyone seems to love him. Ginobli is also up here, but the LeBron love gets to me. Guess what? That bitch hasn't won anything yet, but everyone keeps putting him up as the best player ever. He has barely done anything better than Melo and has achieved less than D-Wade. Plus, he is a fucking dick.
Not shaking hands after the loss to the Magic is a total bitch move. You lost to a better TEAM, give them some respect. Don't run off and refuse to talk about it. You want to be the highest paid athlete ever and you constantly appear in TV commercials hawking car insurance or some other dumb shit, annoying the piss out of me, but when things go bad you hide. It doesn't work that way Bron-Bron. You gotta take the good with the bad.
Such a bitch. A 6'9" 250-pound man, who, as far as I recall, has never been called for a charge, despite flying to the basket like Brian Dawkins after a receiver. Always bitching about the refs. It makes me sick. I want to be able to cheer for you, being such a freak-of-nature and arguably the most athletic person on the planet, but you are too conceited for me, which is really saying something.
Two words: Sasha Vujacic. Two more words: Douche Bag. If you don’t agree with me on this, well… fuck you. This guy might as well wear a giant pussy on his face. I can just see him doing an ‘Always’ pad commercial telling women to “have a happy period.” This is not out of the realm of possibility.
Quick game: Which of these pictures is actually Trevor Edy, and not some douchebag? Answer below.
Trevor, on Facebook, dubbed me the Sasha Vujacic of his friend's circle. That is the most fucked up thing anyone has ever said to me. Trevor could abort my baby from the womb of Betty Draper and I would not be as upset at him as I am over that slight.
He later recanted a bit, to say that "If my circle of friends was the Lakers, you would be Sasha." Oh, that is so much better. So then I called him the Luke Walton of my friend circle (in Laker terms), and also the Eric Byrnes overall in sports terms. Look at him: the abhorrent whiteness, the former long-flowing bleach blond locks, the fake hustle and, most of all, the shit-talking with absolutely nothing to back it up. If this blog takes some ugly swipes at Edy the rest of the way, remember that he called me Sasha Vagania-cic and you will understand my anger.
Plus, Edy was supposed to have this preview done weeks ago, but he is the biggest slacker since Kwame Brown. He even promised to work on it as a birthday present to me, and then didn't do shit. Cost me two weeks at least on this NBA preview because he "couldn't get his Bill Simmons on." Would the real Trevor Edy please separate stand up?
Answer: All of the above are Douchebags. You're on thin ice as resident NBA expert, former-pal.
All right, it is actually Edy in the middle, dressed as Aaron Carter for Halloween. On a related note, Mr. Edy, that is certainly a Man-Code violation. Your Man-Card has been suspended.
Some good came out of this exchange, however: We decided that our Laker friend, Cartman Molloy, would obviously be Shannon Brown. According to a former Cavs and CSU staffer, Brown was the dumbest person he ever met. He would go on road trips and pack nothing but his warm-ups, meaning he had to wear a robe or jersey for most of the trip.
Shannon Brown minus the really athleticism part. If the shoe fits. (Quote generated from Edy text messages).
Favorite non-Nugget: I have Gilbert Arenas. He is my boy. Everything that I would want to be as a player. Quick. Quirky. A hard worker. Deadly jumper. One of the few guys in the league who can be a top-flight scorer and also be among league leaders in assists. He is bawse (/Tommy Joiner).
Surprise team: Washington Wizards. Arenas is back. I watched some highlights, and that fucker is quick again. He isn't talking crazy shit either. The team has enough depth for anyone in the East, the young guys got time last year. Leadership from Antwan, Tuff Juice and Gil. Flip Saunders is a decent coach and will turn a 19 win team into at least the second round of the playoffs, pushing 50 wins. This is biased because I love the Bullets, but they are due. I think if they match up with the Cavs it is possible they shock them and force Bron out of Cleveland. The East is a crap shoot of overrated teams anyway.
*The Wiz have not really started out gangbusters, so this prediction looks really stupid. But Gil just brought back Agent Zero, and if you have ever watched a movie, you know the montage of winning is just around the corner. Right?
You know that one girl at the party that you know is going to be either (a) passed out on the couch at the end of the night, (b) end up being part of a “Birmingham Booty Call,”or (c) telling everyone “I’m so classy” as her boob flies out of her tube top. You know one of these three things will happen, you just don’t know when. Just like, you know Arenas is going to get hurt, it might not be tomorrow or next week, but it WILL happen. The team will fold without him, just like they do every year. I think Flip Saunders is a great coach, but he is in a tough position. They have solid players, a good mix of crafty veterans and rising young stars, even have a leading candidate for my NBA first-team all-ugly, Mike Miller… and, uhhh, Sam Cassell (a perennial addition into the all-ugly team) is an Assistant Coach. I’m done here.
He had knee surgery, it takes a couple years to come back from. It is the same injury as K-Mart, Amare and tons of other guys have had. Two years recovery, brother. Gilbert trained all offseason with Jordan's guy in Chicago. Barring someone rolling into his knee again, he will be fine. If we are going by your analogy, about girls at parties, he is the hot girl at the party who, for whatever stupid reason, ends up hooking up with a douchebag who treats her wrong. She loses confidence, gets out of the dating game for a while, but after some therapy and time to fix her life, she will come back into the game wiser and will make some guy's life (I imagine this is how Rihanna and I will end up together). That analogy was rough, but I still don't understand why I would want to talk on a cell phone that was up some chick's ass. Crazy Kappas.
However, I think Houston is going to be a major surprise out of the Southwest division. In a recent win at Utah, they had eight guys in double figures. They are really an all around team with a good coach (Rick Adelman). Shane Battier, a guy that this blog has come to admire, was a +36 in the +/- that game. Pretty incredible in a 113-96 win.
Houston is going to suck my balls. No playoffs. Sorry. T-Mac is their hope and it won't happen. They have bad ju-ju. If you think Gil is the girl about to lose her shit at the party, Houston is the sororstitute that have been drinking since noon, whose sole plan in life is to get pounded by someone cool. We all know how that ends: Mickeys and Blunts, your basement, Ronnie Aguilar and some poor little blond girl. Not a pretty sight, I must say: Houston will have a problem this year.
No doubt in this category. Have to love OKC. What’s not to love? Kevin Durant is the future of the league. Plus, that Hyperize commercial slays me every time it comes on.
I wanted you to write a preview ala Bill Simmons, not parrot him. But yeah, OKC really is the best choice. Fuck that Bawstahn fucktahd for stealing all the good talking points.
Most hated Nuggs opponent that we haven't heard much about (and that you think the team would hate the most): More who we suspect will become a thorn in the Nuggets side. Like Russell Westbrook or OJ Mayo, after his 40 point blow up earlier this year. Like how Scott Hairston hits a bomb against the Rockies every fucking game, but sucks against everyone else. JJ Berrea is kinda like that. I gotta go with Trevor Ariza. Everyone gives Kobe credit, but Ariza was a straight punk last season to the Nuggs, fucking our shit up. He played Melo as well as anyone one-on-one (or as close to it as anyone does, because don't no one guard Melo one-on-one)...
"I don't really think it's possible to have a 'Melo stopper," Anthony said. "No team in the NBA will just let me play one-on-one against them. They just won't do it."...and he managed to score enough points to piss me off. Now he is a Rocket. Awesome. With him and Battier the Rockets will piss Melo off enough that he might Kufi slap some more fools (ht: Rory).
Going out on a limb here and saying Luke “Pretty Boy” Walton. He’s already been going back and forth with our man, Renaldo Balkman, in the early stages of the preseason. I see plenty of jawing in the future for these two. Obviously both teams have some beef to settle after last year’s playoff series. This will again be ignited this year.
I hope to God that Balkman or someone smacks that Grateful Dead loving bitch in the face. If AC does it, he earns a reprieve from my hate. Do it A.C.
Will any NBA player challenge Ron-Ron Artest for Starbury Memorial Award and at what moment and how will Artest derail the Lakers? 1) Depending on what happens with this S-Jack situation, he could do some shit. Iverson could blow up Memphis (called it). T-Mac might injure himself in some creative way, like Houston the rapper/singer.
I think Artest takes a really bad T in close game, blowing a game that was about to be another classic Kobe-comeback. From then on the questions start and his play starts to slack. Either that or he becomes the first guy crazy enough to demand that Kobe get him the ball more, and in turn brawls with Kobe, finishing it by ripping the leg of a courtside table and impaling Kobe through the heart.
Why do I have Cleveland winning the championship this year?? Not Shaq, not LBJ.… Ladies and Gentlemen: Delonte West! He is a first-teamer on the NBA All-Neck Tattoo team. I was having a chat with one of my buddies and we were discussing the connection between stupid shit and neck tattoos. The correlation is uncanny. Guys in the L with neck tattoos: Starbury, Delonte, Kmart, Deshawn Stevenson, etc. (also see the “Uh, this is my one phone call, so don’t hang up” team) All guys who at anytime can be pulled over on his crotch rocket with a loaded shotgun (oops, that already happened) and you wouldn’t bat an eye. It makes too much sense. And that’s not even the most outrageous thing that Mr. West has done. Case and point. MR. WEST IS IN THE BUILDING! Anytime your young role player puts out a video like that, you have to know you’re going to be successful this season. …. We can build on this!
The only thing that would make that video better is if Kanye West inturupted it somehow. "Excuse, Delonte West, but Starbury had the greatest meltdown on a webcam ever." Wow, that is glorious.
As for Artest: I don’t see him being the defensive stopper he has been in the past. He just doesn’t fit in the Lakeshow system. Not really sure why they went and changed their chemistry to add a guy who has openly had a homophobic boy band love for their star player. “Mr. Mantrum ”will lose control and eventually cost LA an important game at some point.
Will Blake Griffin ever play a game? Yes, only to rupture his ACL during the jumpball.
Look for many top 10 plays from Mr. Griffin. Side note: ON PAPER, the Clippers are playoff contender. Baron, Eric Gordon, Al Thorton (whom I love), Kaman, Camby, the list goes on. This is like the dream video game team. Too bad for them, they don’t play the games on an 8.5 x 11.
That is paper. Mixing your metaphors there young Edy. You also forgot to mention that Dunleavy is the coach. Doomed.
Will Indiana cut Dauntay Jones before the end of the season? He is not white enough for that franchise.
After watching just one game in which he played. I now know how the rest of the league felt last year.
He is quite the dick. Maybe he can still do the Nuggs a favor and get Chris Paul suspended for another nutsack sucker punch.
Player in the NBA who plays most like yourself: Yao. I am really tall and have decent coordination for my size, but I should be tougher and I should be able to dominate more than I do. I also make dunking really difficult, when it shouldn't be at my height. Solid range to about 15 feet. Players a few inches shorter that are much quicker can own me. Fortunately, I am not a big pussy who is constantly hurt. Sadly, I am a full foot shorter.
Andre Miller, excluding the fact he has the personality of a fish, this one is dead on. He’d rather back down a smaller PG, than take a contested 15 footer. A guy who looks to get his teammates involved first. This may cause problems in Portland, however. Both Andre Miller and Brandon Roy need the ball to thrive… only one ball.
You would pick the whitest black man in the league. I think you play like A.C. You push the ball recklessly, have solid range in close but brick threes, but you hustle all over the place. IF I AM SASHA YOU ARE AC. SUCK ON THAT!
Song that best desribes your Nuggets outlook this season: Don't Wake Me Up- Ya Boy ft. Knock the Hometown Hero.
The only thing that would make that video better is if Kanye West inturupted it somehow. "Excuse, Delonte West, but Starbury had the greatest meltdown on a webcam ever." Wow, that is glorious.
As for Artest: I don’t see him being the defensive stopper he has been in the past. He just doesn’t fit in the Lakeshow system. Not really sure why they went and changed their chemistry to add a guy who has openly had a homophobic boy band love for their star player. “Mr. Mantrum ”will lose control and eventually cost LA an important game at some point.
Will Blake Griffin ever play a game? Yes, only to rupture his ACL during the jumpball.
Look for many top 10 plays from Mr. Griffin. Side note: ON PAPER, the Clippers are playoff contender. Baron, Eric Gordon, Al Thorton (whom I love), Kaman, Camby, the list goes on. This is like the dream video game team. Too bad for them, they don’t play the games on an 8.5 x 11.
That is paper. Mixing your metaphors there young Edy. You also forgot to mention that Dunleavy is the coach. Doomed.
Will Indiana cut Dauntay Jones before the end of the season? He is not white enough for that franchise.
After watching just one game in which he played. I now know how the rest of the league felt last year.
He is quite the dick. Maybe he can still do the Nuggs a favor and get Chris Paul suspended for another nutsack sucker punch.
Player in the NBA who plays most like yourself: Yao. I am really tall and have decent coordination for my size, but I should be tougher and I should be able to dominate more than I do. I also make dunking really difficult, when it shouldn't be at my height. Solid range to about 15 feet. Players a few inches shorter that are much quicker can own me. Fortunately, I am not a big pussy who is constantly hurt. Sadly, I am a full foot shorter.
Andre Miller, excluding the fact he has the personality of a fish, this one is dead on. He’d rather back down a smaller PG, than take a contested 15 footer. A guy who looks to get his teammates involved first. This may cause problems in Portland, however. Both Andre Miller and Brandon Roy need the ball to thrive… only one ball.
You would pick the whitest black man in the league. I think you play like A.C. You push the ball recklessly, have solid range in close but brick threes, but you hustle all over the place. IF I AM SASHA YOU ARE AC. SUCK ON THAT!
Song that best desribes your Nuggets outlook this season: Don't Wake Me Up- Ya Boy ft. Knock the Hometown Hero.
"I started off with them gangsta (people of color) that push and peddle, I Could have robbed some (suckus), could have shot some (Ninjas), but you did it first and look where it got you (sir), we set examples now, ball and watch these hampers pile full of checks, started in the West and world stamped it now, on top of the world, most the time on top of they girl, fuck the assumers, only idiots listen to rumors."
This sounds a lot like Melo, coming up from the hood and now he needs to realize that shit is expected of him. He can be the best in league, or at least he should be. Time to keep it going. Don't get involved in any of that dumb thug shit anymore.
"Sitting on top of the world, if my life's a dream, don't wake me up. I'm in magazines and I'm living it up. I'm on top of the world and I'm blowing up, don't wake me up."
The way the Nuggs played last year and started this season, I am pretty stoked. I don't want them to fall off, I want this to continue. If last season was our dream season, I don't want to see this season turn into a reality where we suck again, and aren't fun to watch.
Prognosticators picking us to fall off, fuck them. Only idiots listen to rumors, or Tim Legler."Tell them haters to pipe down."
Other players on the team need to realize that Melo and Chauncey can take them to the top, but they have to step up their level as well. Too much last year, as we choked against the Lakers, it was just Melo and Chauncey, taking on all five Lakers. Odom, Pau, Ariza and even fucktarded Shannon Brown made big plays. No one on the Nuggs stepped up. That needs to change.
"I'm on my grind, if you not on my level get left behind, take a look up and see where I'm at (Sitting on top of the world)"
“We Ready” By Archie… I think they are ready this year. They will constantly be the “Nobody believed in us except the guys in this locker room” team.
Keith Burns thinks this song is very 1999.
Song that best describes the state of the league: Three blind mice, because of the refs. Get it?
Anything by LMFAO and that LOL (Smiley Face) song by Trey Songz… ever since athletes have been exposed to twitter they all of a sudden feel obligated to tweet like a 12-year-old girl in a chat room who just received another “300 more hours free” AOL CD in the mail. The NBA: Where LMFAO! and LOL! happens.
LMFAO is the tits. Don't dog them. But yes, the smiley face song is perfect for the NBA. Every time that comes on in the club I want to strangle the fucking DJ. Edy wins this penultimate section.
Random Notes: Side note #879 – Our GM came out with this… http://espn.go.com/blog/
Our GM should stick to finding a big man so Nene can play the four.
Predictions: Trevor/Matt
Eastern Southwest: Miami/Orlando
Central: Cleveland/Cleveland
Atlantic: Boston/Boston
Western Southwest: Houston/San Antonio
Northwest: Denver/Denver
Pacific: Los Angeles Lakers/LA Lakers
Eastern Conference Champ: Cleveland/Boston
Western Conference Champ: LA Lakers/San Antonio
NBA Champs: Cleveland/San Antonio
Most Valuable Player: Lebron James/Lebron
Most Valuable Player: Lebron James/Lebron
Rookie of the Year: Brandon Jennings/DeJuan Blair
Defensive Player of the Year: Dwight Howard/Dwight Howard (even if Battier deserves it)
6th Man: Rasheed Wallace/Jason Terry
Most Improved Player: Emeka Okafor/Greg Oden (which big man will suck less)
Surprise Team: Houston/Washington
Surprise Player: Ramon Sessions/Anthony Randolph
Disappointing Team: Dallas/New Orleans
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Bonus: A Special Rant/Epic Fail story that prominently features SuperCuts
So yesterday I got a haircut. I don't like getting haircuts and really have a problem paying some lady $20 plus tip to run a clipper over my head for five minutes. It isn't because I'm cheap (yes, it probably is), but it is more the fact that I think that I could do it better myself and I really feel that every haircut looks like shit. I could pay for a good haircut, but giving some fruit $50 to style my hair sounds like about as much fun as ripping off a fingernail. Instead, I get the cheapest haircut from one of the national chains and trust that my hair follicals will regenerate at their usual warp-speed (suck on that those of you losing hair in your early 20s).
Unfortunately this haircut was so piss poor I couldn't even do that. I just asked to buzz the top with 5, the sides and back with a 3 while blending it a little. Instead, the lady insisted it would look better if I had the front longer to style. For some reason I hate being too upset about a cut with the ladies at the salon because I imagine that they go home at night to get beaten by their drunk husband, so I usually thank them and leave thinking I will like it better after I shower. I don't, but by then I have moved on.
I dealt with my shitty hair for about 24 hours, but after a run and workout got my hair all sweaty, I realized that my hairline was fucking lopsided. One side was about 1/2 an inch long in places, and very straggly, and the other side was about a 1/3 of an inch, all cropped short. My balding friends have said a receding hairline wasn't too bad because they could still hide it most of the time, but how the fuck do you hide a crooked hairline.
Well, I figured I'd bust out some scissors to even it out. I was doing good for a while, taking care to "measure twice and cut once," as my dad always instilled in me, but then my lack of patience got in the way. "I'll just use my new all-purpose beard trimmer, that should work." (It has four different heads and a number of attachments, including one perfect for Man-tenance.)
You can guess what happened next. Yep, everyone either knew, or was, the little kid who failed miserably to give themselves a haircut, and laughter at their expense taught us all not to do that. I should have learned this then, and that time in middle school when my sister convinced me I was growing a uni-brow and I shaved off half and eyebrow.
But some people don't learn, and while I tried to make sure I was over the toilet, so it could collect the hair and save me some cleaning time, I took out a big-ass chunk on the right side of my hairline. PIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSS.
I am due to begin working at a fairly upscale club in San Diego in about 48 hours. I could fix the crooked hairline with gel and hair wax, but not this. I really had two choices, admit failure completely and get another haircut, or try to level the front myself.
If anyone knows me (which you all do), I have a remarkable ability to put myself in dumb situations. I will almost assuredly spill food on myself at a meal. If I can get lost, I will. If I throw something, it will break something. I get myself into a ton of stupid situations, but doing so has allowed me to learn many skills necessary to alleviate my embarrassment. This served as another one of those, as I now have confirmed that I can cut my hair better than that bitch at SuperCuts.
Unfortunately this haircut was so piss poor I couldn't even do that. I just asked to buzz the top with 5, the sides and back with a 3 while blending it a little. Instead, the lady insisted it would look better if I had the front longer to style. For some reason I hate being too upset about a cut with the ladies at the salon because I imagine that they go home at night to get beaten by their drunk husband, so I usually thank them and leave thinking I will like it better after I shower. I don't, but by then I have moved on.
I dealt with my shitty hair for about 24 hours, but after a run and workout got my hair all sweaty, I realized that my hairline was fucking lopsided. One side was about 1/2 an inch long in places, and very straggly, and the other side was about a 1/3 of an inch, all cropped short. My balding friends have said a receding hairline wasn't too bad because they could still hide it most of the time, but how the fuck do you hide a crooked hairline.
Well, I figured I'd bust out some scissors to even it out. I was doing good for a while, taking care to "measure twice and cut once," as my dad always instilled in me, but then my lack of patience got in the way. "I'll just use my new all-purpose beard trimmer, that should work." (It has four different heads and a number of attachments, including one perfect for Man-tenance.)
You can guess what happened next. Yep, everyone either knew, or was, the little kid who failed miserably to give themselves a haircut, and laughter at their expense taught us all not to do that. I should have learned this then, and that time in middle school when my sister convinced me I was growing a uni-brow and I shaved off half and eyebrow.
But some people don't learn, and while I tried to make sure I was over the toilet, so it could collect the hair and save me some cleaning time, I took out a big-ass chunk on the right side of my hairline. PIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSS.
I am due to begin working at a fairly upscale club in San Diego in about 48 hours. I could fix the crooked hairline with gel and hair wax, but not this. I really had two choices, admit failure completely and get another haircut, or try to level the front myself.
If anyone knows me (which you all do), I have a remarkable ability to put myself in dumb situations. I will almost assuredly spill food on myself at a meal. If I can get lost, I will. If I throw something, it will break something. I get myself into a ton of stupid situations, but doing so has allowed me to learn many skills necessary to alleviate my embarrassment. This served as another one of those, as I now have confirmed that I can cut my hair better than that bitch at SuperCuts.
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