Melo Traded...Finally: I Not Even Mad Anymore

I want to have seething hatred for Melo. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I watch Nuggles games and see him clearly not giving a shit and I throw things. Plenty of times this season I have skipped on a Nuggos game to do anything else, rather than be put in the weird position of cheering for a player with two feet out the door. We knew Melo wanted to be a Knick and it clearly rankled Denver fans. We booed. We started fake twitter accounts to mock him (and his wife). Even though I laughed at it all and wanted to get my anger to Cutler levels, I can't say I really hate Melo, or even wish failure on him.

Even though the Melo-Denver relationship ended poorly, to say the least, we had some pretty good moments. Besides a brief moment in 94-95, once Melo joined the Nuggs out of 'Cuse, the Nuggets finally mattered in the NBA (at least during my life). We got new, powder blue uniforms and a legit NBA star. We made the playoffs every year. The most clutch late-game scorer in the NBA won us 13 games in the final 10 seconds, including the famous no-foul dagger vs. Dallas in 2009. We were two inbounds passes from playing Orlando for a championship.
There were plenty of lows, which have been documented all too well (Recap: Snitching, DUIs, brawls in the Garden, LaLa, etc.). Which is why I think a fresh start is better for both parties: Melo goes "home" to adoring fans, gets to thrive in D'Antoni's offense and join Amare & CP3 in the top-heavy East. The Nuggets get a ton of assets to rebuild in a Western Conference that will soon be wide open (Spurs, Mavs and Lakers are old. OKC is talented, but unproven. Everyone else is pretty much fucked or will soon be fucked) and some talented youngins that are NBA proven.
And the only way that we will ever end up playing Melo in anything meaningful is an NBA championship, which would actually be pretty fucking epic.

Even with this good will, Denver fans are not used to stars wanting out, not used to being the jilted lover, and many will hold a grudge (I'm anticipating a boo filled Christmas day match-up). Denver is a place everyone wants to be (look at all the goddamn Texans, Wisconsinites and Californicators) and we support our teams. Sometimes we may lose out on a prime star in free agency (A-Rod comes to mind) but usually Denver's star players enjoy the city and they leave a legend (Sakic, Roy, Elway-God) or they leave because our management fucked up (Mutumbo, Chris Drury, Big Cat).

Now, four times in three years, a legitimate star has been deleted from our town because apparently they wanted nothing to do with Denver (B-Marsh, Cuntler and Melo & Holliday). It hurt the most with Cutler, because we didn't see it coming. Marshall wasn't too surprising, we always knew he was crazy and Divacievers bounce around the league as a rule. Holliday wanted to get that cash, and we saw it more as greed for his departure, plus we got the Cargo in return.

Once it came to Melo, we all pretty much abandoned hope a couple months after The Decision, when Melo refused to renew with us. This lead to an awkward 8 months, where every true Nuggets fan knew Melo was gone and we had to put up with him. Instead of play nice, like we did with Holliday (and to a certain extent with Marshall), Nuggets fans decided to let him know that he was free to go, as Melo's actions clearly dictated his intentions even if he lied right to our faces.

But I do have to give him some props; he played hard almost every night (and really, took off games no more than he has his entire career), gave us a few good memories and at least feigned enough interest in staying/Jersey that the Knickerbockers had to go all in.

So good luck in the East Melo.

Meanwhile, I'll welcome the 4 new Nuggies with everything I know about each of them:
Danilo Gallinari: -Will be surprise celebrity guest on Season 5 of Jersey Shore.


Wilson Chandler: -Has two first names.

Timofey Mozgov: Is famous for trying to accesorize by placing Blake Griffin's balls on his face, a trend that I am sure will sweep the NBA in the coming seasons.
-Will hopefully be traded to Jersey (and into the loving Russion arms of Prokorov) for some draft picks.

Raymond Felton: -Is a quick point guard with a below average outside shot from UNC. Which, is kinda redundant due to the presence of Ty Lawson on the Nuggs.

2014 NBA Draft Pick: You are currently 15 or 16 years old, so good luck on that driving test.


Oh, you may have noticed that I haven't written at all about our other departing souls, because all I really have to say is, meh. Chauncey is classy, but he was holding Ty back, too expensive and old as fuck. AC can go die. All the Green Crosses in Denver will miss Balkman. I never saw Shelden Williams make a single shot for the Nuggs.

So yeah, I'm not gonna miss any of the Nuggets who just bounced, and the Nuggets future is bright, so let's hope they don't fuck it up, again.

And Melo and I will always have our drunken night two weeks ago at Chicago Louie's hot dog kart. I'll remember him every time I attend an ugly sweater Christmas Party:

A Sweet Sack of Nuggs, Vol. 2.0

The NBA season got off to a rousing start last night, with the 3-headed monster playing out like all of LeBron's best Cleveland teams looked. Him playing out of his mind and four other guys standing around unsure of their roles (kinda like what our Three-Headed Blog Squad predicted yesterday). Maybe this will change, and not every team will be as deep and defensively skilled as the Celts, but it showed that as much as things change in the NBA, they remain the same.

Which brings us to the loveable Nuggets of Denver, who are still a dysfunctional bunch of Thuggets (even in their magical run to conference finals two years ago who can forget K-Mart fighting fans/owners?). As the world of the NBA turns, we are sadly getting even more fucked up. 

So now, join myself and Mr. "Barrio Bell" Heath (in the blue font) as we go through dickburger that is the Nuggets roster and then offer our lovely predictions about the way this season will go. Or light yourself on fire and have a more enjoyable time. 

This was way more fun to write last season, due to the Nuggs looking like contenders so hoping for the reverse-jinx pleasethankyou!

In Numerical Order:
Gary Forbes: -Went off for 25 vs. Phoenix in the last preseason game.
-This may be the whitest name of any player in the NBA. I was wondering why the accountant was listed on the roster.

Oh, I get it. This is like that Episode of Chappelle’s show where they thrust some white-suburban type into a household full of “crazy-ass N-“ and Mr.Forbes here just happened to be selected for the part. Well they certainly sent him to the most dysfunctional NBA household, the next few months should be hell for this guy. Oh, he’s not actually white? I got nothing then.    

#1 Chauncey Billups: -I'm going to really enjoy watching him in play for Charlotte, where his veteran poise will be much needed.
-Not going to look forward to him trying to take over games and stealing Ty Lawson's PT.

-He can stay, if he basically moves to a role as a shooting guard.

-The single biggest reason for our 08 ascension and our 09 descension, CBill shot us out of too many games last year, its clear this year will be a baton-pass to Lawson. Sorry CBill, we tried.  

#3 Ty Lawson: -Really the only player I am excited for right now.
-Should be the break out player on this roster if he is given PT and doesn't have to fight for shots.

Clearly a year where Lawson is designated to step up, will be one of the few bright spots on an otherwise failing team. Excited to see him kill it but my expectations are suitably tempered.     

#4 K-Mart: -I have defended him in past years, and it looked like he turned a corner, but now I never want to see him wear a Nuggs uniform again. Your fucking contract has dragged around our neck for the last 7 years and now you have the audacity to demand an extension. If it weren't for your Hinderburg-esque contract we might have surrounded Melo with some big that could score rather than bigs who get Darrent Williams shot. I hope someone fucks you in Trina's lips on your neck.

-I don’t even know where the fuck to start, this is another nominee for the Chappelle household, voted most likely to charge the stands after getting heckled from the bench while wearing that college-professor brown blazer he stole from the Cherry Creek Goodwill. How does someone go from being responsible for back-to-back Finals appearances to "out-Grant Hilling" Grant Hill in the category named after GRANT FUCKING HILL??

#5 J.R. Smith: -You are fucking stupid. Grow the fuck up and understand how life and basketball work. Your talent is out of this world but so is your brain. You are playing your way into a role as AI's swingman teammate. Hope the Istanbullets have cap space left in three years.

So fed up with this team as a whole, I’m actually the LEAST pissed at JR compared to the rest of these fucks. Don’t get me wrong, I still got him ridin shotty in a future Denver Jail-Blazers esque arrest.

#6 Aaron Afflalo: -I almost forgot he was on the team. I got nothing bad to say. He should turn into a Bruce Bowen type player, but I'm sure it won't be with the Nuggets, as he is exactly the type of player we trade for pennies on the dollar only to watch them blow up elsewhere.

-Speaking of which, sure would be nice to have Marcus Camby right about now. 

 This is a horrible statement. Marcus Camby is a charter member of Sack's Hall of Hate, residing comfortably in the Jamie Carrol/[Name Redacted] Wing for players on my favorite team I despise (which will be a column coming soon. Also, just jotting down names like Diawara, Najera, Elson, etc. made me realize exactly why Carmelo Anthony hates playing basketball in Denver)

#7 Al Harrington: -"I'm Al Harrington and I get buckets" God, I'm excited to yell that. He hasn't been on the team long enough for me to hate him, but his shoot from the outside and no defense history is not really a combination that tends to win me over.

-Not a bad offseason pickup for the Nugs, should be interesting to watch fit in with what remains of the soon to be tattered Nugs offense. Could be a great addition, provided we keep him away from JR, Balkman, etc.

#11 Birdman: -Get healthy and stay out of the nose candy. You got lucky to get a second chance, don't fuck it up by being lazy. And stop getting hurt.

- At this point, the seasons so fucked I’m actually cheering for him to START doing coke again. The season’s shot, might as well make the implosion worthwhile. Plus, then we’d be able to violate his ass back to jail and recoup our 4 mil from his (no longer) feel-good story havin ass.   

#15 Carmelo Anthony: If you really want out, just man up and say it. This "he said-she said" behind the curtain bullshit is fucking weak. Look, your wife has your balls and you want to go back East. Put your cards on the table and tell the Knicks to pony up. Convince them that whatever they offer for you is worth it. If you are the star that you have talked yourself up to be, a legit championship caliber player, then you should be fine. You don't have to dick Denver over in the process like your butt-buddy Bron.

-I slapped Kat Stacks and I want my money.

-Theres not enough space in this article for how much I hate this man. Most angering is the Melo apologists that have surrounded this insane combination of talent and apathy. Perhaps what annoys me the most about this grinning piece of shit is the way we as fans give ourselves and cities over to these basketball specimens.

Just once I want these basketball equivalents of male models to realize the elephant graveyard of every other “can’t tell me nothing” basketball star of the past few decades who is now standing in the welfare line like ODB in 95. Granted I was never too heavy into Melo-cocksucking, but the fact remains that he was the most talented, proven star that we have ever had on our team. He was OUR answer to Lebron, he was OUR permanent stake in the macro NBA media circus. And I can’t say we really got a lot in return. It is my sincere hope that the 2011 collapse of the league as we know it yields heavy playoff-incentive based contracts and the death of a superstar like this. I hate you Melo, I wish Shawn Kemp AND ‘Toine Walkers fate on you.

#23 Shelden Williams: - Does this mean we get dibs on his and Candice Parker's offspring. Because that is going to be a large ugly human. Man or woman, I think it would be better than any Denver big man.
-I thought he was like 35, but he graduated from Duke in 2007 and is only 25.

-“Who is ‘The guy who fucks the MJ of bitch ball,’ Alex.” 

 A. Notice that they are holding her jersey, not his.

B. That is gonna be a talllll asss babbbby.

#25 Anthony Carter: -How is he still around? And why? What kind of cruel world do we live in where AC is still employed to play gaurd in the NBA. Edy could post him up and hit turnaround jumpers over him all day. He couldn't even start for CSU. I will wager that he has more turnovers than baskets this season.

I will continue my AC apologist duties circa 2007 and cling to him as the one Nugget I truly love. We’ll need him to run the retard relief squad after the Melo trade and following a CBill 2 month injury, cuz its going to happen.

#31 Nene: -Another supremely gifted athlete who underachieves for the Nuggets. Maybe he would have more success with a big that actually can score (like Harrington can), but instead I bet Nene will play passive and get bullied by Pau Gasol. Edy def wins this argument from last year.

Every year I watch this dude telegraph the two post moves he has and then get stripped in the paint, I expect no less this year. The uniballer 2,0  has looked and played like shit for the past 3 years, in fact the only year he didn’t look like a complete liability was when Kmart and Camby were both in the rotation. I think its time we arrange to have him offed in the back room of Fogo de Chao, thus netting us 11.3 mil in cap space savings.

#32 Ronaldo Balkman: Why is he even on the roster? Oh, right, someone needs to carry weed. 

-Maybe George Karl will remember he exists this year, even if RB is so baked he isn't sure he exists.

Can we just hair drug follicle test this asshole and peace him already. I’m sick of his elsie the cow looking face and his general demeanor. Hate aside, should we decide to go for the Jail-blazer Award for the year, his, pusher man services may just be needed.

#34 Melvin Ely: There is an NBA player named Melvin? What is this, 1954 when blacks weren't allowed in the lower bowls of the arena? Get the fuck out.

This name sounds so old it brings to mind male-sounding pen names utilized by female writers of the past. I’m holding out hope this is Candace Parker’s own version of a pen-name, reverse Juwanna man style.  

George Karl: I do not understand why he is coaching this team. It is clear that Melo and K-Mart are not just metaphorical team cancers, but that exposure to them actually causes cancer. Think I'm hyperbolizing? Jim Boeheim at 'Cuse got cancer after Melo, three people in Bob Huggins family got cancer from K-Mart (Huggy Bear doesn't get cancer because his innards are just Jack Daniels and steal bolts at this point), Nene got the big C from them as well. Shit, George, you better know these guys are gonna be traded, because you've already had too much cancer.

Just learned he wants a long-term extension from the Nuggets. My, what a glutton for punishment you are. What, the daily doses of HULK-Gamma ray quality radiation wasn’t enough for you that you want to subject your sanity to conversations of PRAC-tice with JR, Pusherman Balkman, and Melo’s general disinterest? Get out while you can Georgie K.  

Adrian Dantley: I only include the big man for the fact that he lives in the same building with my buddy @LMCSU2008, who lives in Dantley's old apartment in the building I think and still gets his mail. They interact often, and he is nice enough to put AD's best comments on Twitter. Follow him just for that, but he was also kind enough to give me his favorite AD quotes and a breakdown of our apparent Coach in Waiting:

(AD said) "I was lookin for you in Utah, but I couldn't tell one Mormon from another" (then he laughed awkwardly hard at his own joke) or when he was all pissed during the Lakers conf finals and he said they 'Were gonna stomp them n----s out.' Then we got killed. 

Bottom line is he talks a lot of shit then let's everyone walk all over him when he gets in the spotlight

 Which, if you have followed the Nuggets, is pretty much our entire team does. Especially Melo in the Garden.

Who should we trade Melo for? I think the Italian from NY, a couple draft picks and one of the young bigs, terrible as they are in exchange for Melo and K-Mart would be great. Really, even just draft picks and expiring contracts work. We just gotta get something.

Every day closer to the trade deadline a little more of our trade leverage evaporates. I think I’d be happy for a anything at this point. The Derrick Favors and some number ones package seems more effective to me, allowing the Nuggets to survey the talent it does, or does not, have in what will essentially become a season of exhibition games. Operation NY WOP trade just seems like a grab bag of mediocrity to me. I wish we would have done this deal late last year when the Knicks had a few more players we would have liked a shot at (like David Lee) and giving us a different look at the 2010 free agency market.

Who gets arrested first? Rory, for slapping LaLa at their shared birthday party.

Seriously, I'm gonna go for Lawson for a nightclub altercation.

Birdman coke binge resulting in driving the wrong way down I-25 doing 90. Yeah, our teams so bad I’m wishing relapse on feel good stories.   

Season Prediction: This is what I will write next April:

So another Nuggets season ended with a loss in the first round to (circle one) Los Angeles/Oklahoma City. What a frustrating year. Some huge wins over LA and that classic 2OT battle with the Heat. A lot of disappointing losses like that 168-124 loss to Golden State. But at least JR scored 64 in that one, too bad Stephan Curry went for 80 and the equipment manager scored 14 in mop up duty since Golden State only dressed 6 players for the game. After (fill in the following names in some order; Birdman, Nene, K-Mart, Al Harrington)   __________ tore his ACL, the arrest of ________ for sexually assaulting a clown, ____________ came down with planters vaginosis and ___________ was suspended for his fight with the one of the Maloof brothers over gambling debts/white girl (real one)/white girl (cocaine)  the season was shot (which isn't a pun, sadly, as somehow Marvin Ely actually got shot. No one has bothered to check if he is alive). At least Chauncey gave it a good effort. It was just tough to play a some of those games 4-on-6 when Melo would decide to audition for another team, by literally playing for them. And big ups to David Stern for not giving a shit about any of this, saying  "Fuck off, Denver. You know the finals are going to be Heat/Lakers, unless Kobe gets busy with a flight attendent or something, again. I couldn't give a shit about any team not touching a beach. You too OKC, conference finals are as far as you will ever get. I got my best refs on it."

Why should I even bother watching NBA basketball in Denver for the next 10 years, knowing that 4 teams or so will be the only competitive teams? Denver will never get closer to the NBA promised land than last year. Why should I even watch? Really, help me. No, those reading this out there, all four of you, tell me why I should support this team anymore...(silence and crickets...and then it was silent some more)...No one? Fine.
 

During my intensive NBA betting days of old I used to look for 3 teams at the absolute top and bottom of the league to champion or pick on against the spread. I looked for teams so hopelessly shattered after an early to midseason trade that they couldn’t possibly reset themselves to zero without the aid of an offseason’s worth of free agent acquisitions or trades. We, ladies and genteleman, will become one of those teams so gutted and full of broken pieces that we will get beat by the spread night in and night out on the road (sometimes even at home). 

Watching the media’s general coverage of the Nuggets is like those scenes in gangster movies leading up to a big whack; everyone seems a little too calm, smiling just a little too big, trying a little too hard to make everything appear nice and tranquil. That’s fucking us, we’re Joe Pesci’s character in Goodfellas, we’ve had some good runs at the title as a crew, made a little money, fucked some groupie bitches, and now we’re about to get the death mark as a squad for seasons to come. 

When we look back on this era of the Nuggets, it will be bigot-ly referred to as “The head-band era” full of supremely gifted teams and heavy dosages of rationalization from the front office and the fans. The sad fact of the matter being that we had no choice but to go along with this all flash, no discipline team, it was all we had. Will we call it growth? Probably not, but I hope we do call it a lesson learned.  

“It’s time for a house meeting, I-iiiiight.” Chappelle show.

 

NBA w/ Edy All-Star Bonanza

Well, this took Forever to put together mostly because Edy sucks at life and because when he finally got around to fulfilling his duties my computer decided I had downloaded too much porn, music and stupid pics of Marmalard to continue. RIP 2005 Dell. You served me well.

Anyway, we welcome back Edy and his shenagins to discuss the NBA's fiery half. Keep in mind; A) I have spent much of the last few months boycotting the NBA B) I'm trying to type this while on an iPhone, C) Edy will speak in italics or should, but Blogger is being quite the silly little faggot about this.

We finally are doing this:

Worst prediction from our preview: Well, I have to go with my Wizards/Gilbert combo. That was a gamble that didn't pay off (rimshot). I just gave it my best shot (guitar riff). I knew Gil used to be a shoot-first player and he was looking to get other players their shots (cymbal crash). It's a good thing they changed the team name to Wizards so that there were no Bullets in that locker room. /End of shitty Leno jokes.


I just love how Pucak’s one major go-out-on-a-limb prediction backfired (had to say it) right in his face. His guy isn’t even playing anymore. And the Wizards are a bottom feeder in a poor Eastern
Conference. Things I enjoy: Calling Pucak out when he is wrong on all accounts.

Uggggghhhhh. I already wrote about this, so I won't get into it too much, only to say that I will be breaking my NBA boycott soon. I now know how long Gil is suspended, and I guess the rest of the season is appropriate. I had a dream he signed with the Magic for next season, which would be pretty sweet.

The only good news for me on the improved player/team front is that Washington and Houston, Edy's pick, are both tied for 11th in their respective conferences. Just don't look at their records, please.

(Pucak uses a classic Edy tactic in an effort to compare the two, too bad their records say otherwise… 17-32 vs. 27-23…. Uhhh, no brainer)
Pucak struggling early after an 0-2 start.

Now, I know my surprise team, Houston, has not performed that well. They “let go” a guy who was making nearly 23 MILLION this year, in
T-Mac. Yes, this year, look it up. They have no true scorer, but are surrounded with a bunch of guys I would want on my team, ala Shane Battier. Needless to say they are only one game out of the West playoffs (Feb. 3).

Turns out I was wrong about Emaka Okafor (DOY), Ramon Sessions(Surprise Player) and Dallas being a disappointing team... oops.

I also almost had a terrible prediction about Greg Oden being the most improved player, especially after he blew up his knee. BUT after naked pictures of Greg and his third arm showed up on the interwebs and he apologized by saying "he had grown a lot" since. I think this qualifies as improvement.

Greg Oden: Where making white girls swoon happens (Literally, my girlfriend wouldn’t stop staring. I then gave her the “reality” of the situation and performed a short demonstration with my fist. She then did the “Melo grimace” and walked off.) Somehow this was swept under the rug with a short apology from Greg. Probably the most publicity he will get all season. I still don’t get the logic in standing in front of a mirror to take a picture of your anaconda in hopes to find it a home in an unsuspecting white girl’s pork sauna. Maybe it’s an athlete thing. I guess this is improvement.

Nene: Earlier this season, Edy went off on Twitter, saying: "Random thought of the night: Nuggets need to cut their loses with Nene and move on. Never became the player we thought.
-"Every year we think he will be allstar worthy, just never is."
-"Inconsistency kills him Not a defensive star to make it worth it."
-"Let's not forget that he's been in the L for 7 years, at some point we have to realize, this is who he is. #ComingToGrips"

While Nene hasn't been a stud, getting the 20-10 that Edy thinks he should get, he should have been an all-star this season.

If you don't think he has played well, how do you explain him and K-Mart being the two consistent performers for the Nuggs while Melo, JR and Chauncey sat out. He is pouring in 14 and grabbling over 8 rebounds per game, often times as the fourth or fifth option. If he played on a team that didn't have quite so many scorers he would be getting 20-10. He does everything the Nuggets ask; scores almost 60% of the time he touches the ball, plays tough interior defense on the opposing teams center (even leading the team in steals), grabs boards and doesn't get pissy when he gets less touches than the stars.

Shit, almost any team in the league would kill for him, and if we could get one more big man on this squad to help Nene switch to the 4 the Nuggs might be able to take LA.

Thanks for the alley-oop, Pucak. This past Monday, the Nuggets hosted the Kings, a team that they struggle to matchup with. On paper, Nene should have dominated the front court as he was going up against the likes of Spencer Hawes, Jason Thompson and Jon Brockman… Nene finished with a “stellar” 14 and 6 on 6-of-10 shooting as the Nuggets got outrebounded by 15. If it wasn’t for Kmart playing like an all-star this past month (finished with a 24 and 12), we would have lost a few.

You’re correct Pucak, Nene doesn’t bitch about not getting the ball, because he doesn’t care! Unnamed sources say Nene is going to retire after his contract is up in two years… We will see. The only
consistent thing about Nene this season has been his left-handed finger roll/dunk move. It’s a guaranteed two points, he’s just the only one in building not to realize it. Anytime you’re huge and
athletic while constantly having mismatches down low, but still have the opportunity to play like a bitch, you have to take it right?? This is annoying, and I’m starting to annoy myself. I’ll stop now.

JR Smith's struggles: He has not shot the ball well at all this year. Why? I'm thinking two things; 1) He spent some of the summer in the pokey and then was suspended, so he never got in rhythm. 2) He is now signed to Young Money Athletes which means he officially has to be on top of the game for a few months and then spend the rest of the time singing dipshit autotune crap.

I thoroughly enjoy JR’s YM connections. I wish I could say that about his defense and overall attitude toward the game.

Melo vs. Chauncey for Nuggs MVP: I am going with Chauncey. He has carried the team when Melo is out, but the team has bombed without Chauncey. He cares not about himself but for the team. Plus, he has come up with some huge performances, like dropping all those bombs on the bitch ass Lakers. (and there were about 10 more paragraphs here, but then my computer shit the bed.

Toss up right now. Although no other player on the roster will vie for team MVP, Kmart and Aaron Afflalo have been playing lights out as of late. Breaking news: Kmart has a brain and is using it. He realized that he needs to step up in Melo’s absence. And AA is on a whole ‘nother level. Making some huge shots down the stretch. We need to keep this guy.

Side note: The majority of the Nuggets’ last name roster resides in the first three letters of the alphabet. Afflalo, Allen, Andersen, Anthony, Balkman, Billups, Carter. Yeah I know, third quarters of NBA games bore me.

Melo's chances for MVP: He needs to have a few crazy games down the stretch and it wouldn't hurt if Bron-Bron got hurt. He isn't bionic, right? He just missed too much time. But I still feel he is first team All-NBA worthy.

Melo’s injuries will hurt him in the long run, but I think this will make him better in the playoffs. He lets things go to his head too easily (i.e. scoring title) and it affects his game. My prediction: He
finishes 5th.

Nuggets LVP: George Karl, hands down. You know it’s a bad thing when ANY inbounds play that results in a turnover at ANY level of basketball has people saying “They ran the George Karl. FUCK, they ran the Karl!” (hands immediately go to the head)… I really wonder what goes on in the timeout preceding an inbounds play. It’s almost likeGK just hands over coaching duties to high-as-fuck Balkman. We would be much better off running the “Helen Keller,” where everyone just
runs around with their eyes closed, setting picks and ‘feeling’ out the defense.

The Birdman. Injuries and non-contract year have killed him, but he isn't performing as well as we need. He needs to get his shit together.


I know Simmons loves him, but when do we start hating Durant? I mean, when he finally beat us once. He is going to get annoying real soon.

Except, not really… Not sure how you can hate Durant. Seems like a good guy, odds are that he has a smaller cock than Oden. Pure scorer and is getting progressively better from the field. These guys may be scary in the playoffs.

The Durant lovefest is over for me. He already gets more calls than Melo and is way less aggressive.

Favorite Underground Story of the Year: Sandiata Gaines or whatever. 

Does anyone else realize that none of the Nuggets have been in any legal trouble this year???? The NBA,….. It’s FAANNtastic.


Headlines I don’t want to see: “Nuggets may bring back Camby”….. Mark Warkenstein, you know better to bring back that frail piece of shit we
call “defense.” Pucak would do a better job on the defensive end, he’s white and extremely uncoordinated.

Only thing worse would be "Nuggets trade for Najera, Boykins." God I hate those assholes. I am upset we didn't get Brendan Haywood.


Newer guys we enjoy watching: Omri Casspi (Kings). Guy can hoop and light it up from downtown. Plus, we have unlimited Jewish jokes when he is on the court, in that case, everybody wins.

Except for Germans.

I am going to have to go with John Wall. Oh, wait, he's not in the league yet. My bust. I guess I'll go with Stephan Curry. Much better than I expected and in the perfect system.

Let's revise our predictions as well. (Original predictions in parenthesis)


Predictions: Trevor/Matt
Eastern Southwest: Atlanta (Miami)/Orlando
Central: Cleveland (Cleveland)/Cleveland
Atlantic: Boston (Boston)/Boston
Western Southwest: Dallas (Houston)/San Antonio
Northwest: Denver (Denver)/Denver
Pacific: LA Lakers (Los Angeles Lakers)/LA Lakers
Eastern Conference Champ: Cleveland (Cleveland)/Boston
Western Conference Champ: LA Lakers/Stern (LA Lakers)/San Antonio
NBA Champs: Cleveland (Cleveland)/San Antonio

Most Valuable Player: LBJ (Lebron James)/Lebron
Rookie of the Year: Tyreke Evans(Brandon Jennings)/Tyreke Evans
Defensive Player of the Year: Josh Smith (Dwight Howard)/Dwight Howard
(even if Battier deserves it)
6th Man: Jamal Crawford (Rasheed Wallace)/Jason Terry
Most Improved Player: Monta Ellis (Emeka Okafor)/Josh Smith (Greg Oden)(which big
man will suck less)
Surprise Team: Toronto (Houston)/Memphis
Surprise Player: Monta Ellis (Ramon Sessions)/Tyreke Evans
Disappointing Team: Washington(Dallas)/New Orleans


Your player predictions are on point. I will begrudgingly admit that. Fuck.

The Weekend Sack-Up: See, winning is better

Forgive me, it has been almost a week without me posting my hilarious pictures and rants (you didn't even notice. Well fuck you, buddy).

It was a big week around the Colorado sports scene, as pretty much everything went well. The only big loss was CSU basketball at UNC, but the Tar Heels are number one in that nation (What's that, Northern Colorado? I refuse to acknowledge such a crazy claim).

Broncos:
Two concerns: 1) Was Bumbles Orton spiking his Gatorade with Jack? Because he was fumblin' and bumblin' like a Keith Jackson wet dream.
2) If KC got some WR open on busted coverages, how open will Piere-Marc-Andre Fluery-Garcon be next week (so help me Joseph Smith's Norwegian Jesus if Austin "Lassie" Collie catches a TD).

Fortunately the Broncos were saved from some embarrassing scores by one man today:

-Everybody remembers that kid from Little Giants, who couldn't catch and got his hands stuck together with Stick 'Em. I never knew that kid was actually Bobby Wade. Certainly made more of himself than Devon Sawa or even IceBox (I wonder when Simmons will do a "What If" on her).

-Remember what started that whole J-Cunty debacle. It was trying to trade for Matt Cassel:

Hmmm, I'm kinda glad we didn't trade for THAT guy.

-Brodie Croyle is the exact opposite of a victory cigar.

Sometimes a picture really is worth a thousand words.

-Man, the Chiefs really decided to just hand the game to Denver in the third quarter, especially.

Then again, with the Broncos super special team play thus far against Native American teams, anything could have happened (see; Redskins, Washington).

-The guy in charge of the Chiefs, Todd Haley, is really a raging cunt. I am surprised he didn't murder a back-up today.

-So many jokes about this, but really all I can ask is why?

 

I wonder if Redface is as racist as Blackface?

And why?

Nasty N, it is your job to come up with the appropriate inappropriate jokes for these. It really is your purpose here on Earth.

Nuggets: Busted those bitch ass Spurs up. Didn't lose to the T-Wolves. Good week.
Below is a brilliant video brought to my attention by @tjedy:

What a fucking Princess.


Tweets of the week:
Lance Moorman: "Jacked some asshole who tried to reach in my pockets... I hope your broken nose feels good you ignorant fuck."
And people ask me why I'm on Twitter. This gives me hope one of the many SD hobos will accost me and some point and allow me to haul off and smack a bitch.


Club Trillion: Al Michaels on Jared Allen: "Sooner or later #69 will be in your face." Sometimes it's just too easy.

Honorable Mention: Black Prez: Vicks TD Pass got me kinda teary eyed... So happy...


Avs: An up and down week, but the two goal comeback in the last 50 seconds against Florida to save a point was huge. Hopefully Anderson isn't out too long. But my by Duchene keeps scoring. Matty Ice, baby.

CSU Rams: Besides the blemish against a better-than-they-should-be UNC team, the Rams defeated in-state "Rival" Denver. 5-3 is a pretty good start. Now it is time to fuck up CU and attempt to complete the sweep in every sport that I care about (fb, vb, m&wbb). Wear white if you are in Fort Collins Thursday. For purity of race. Wait, that isn't right. Just because we have one of the least diverse schools in the country doesn't mean we have to show off, right?


Rockies: There are rumors you assholes are gonna bring back Jamie Carroll. This cannot be true and I might renounce my fandom if he comes back. If he and (name redacted) share the 2B role I might just start stabbing random people on the street, or mail bombs around the country in a pattern that resembles a lazy pop out to right center field. YOU MADE ME DO THIS!

Other sports news: Teboner- If I was a worldly fellow like Tim Tebow, I would have seen some stuff that shows me what is really important in life. I used to be a bitch who cried about shit like sports, but then I dealt with real life losses I stopped. I'm sorry, but they should take away his old fucking Heisman for that routine. Adam Morrison-esque, it was.

The Saints- I am so proud of myself for picking Robert Meachem off the scrap heap in fantasy. Best maneuver ever. The early games at the bar where perfect, shit was going crazy all morning long.

The Vikings- Will lose in the playoffs when Brad Childress calls 50 passes for Brettard Favre and doesn't give Purple Jesus the ball.

TCU vs. Boise- They should just mutually agree to not even play. I have dubbed it the Glass Ceiling Bowl. Mike Donovan had this to say: "TCU/Boise St. What a crock. What a lose-lose for both teams. The JV National Championship or the Separate But Equal Bowl." He said it first, but it is my blog so I go first here. No journalistic integrity on this site, buddy.


Happy Hollidays: Oh, it is Christmas season now so I send you off with this lovely ditty.

The Weekend Sack-Up: Things that make you say HMMMMM?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Sports: I Give Thanks

As I pointed out in my splendidly narcissistic post about why I can't sleep, sports are my escape from the problems/issues in the real world that make me restless. Even though I spend much of the space in this blog trashing on teams/people and focusing on the suck (especially lately), I love sports. So, as a prelude to Thanksgiving, I will be filling this blog post with videos and websites about sports that I love.

If you are bored (especially at a job where they haven't blocked Youtube yet) this should keep you entertained for quite a while. Yep, this all makes me very happy. I don't even care that this took me hours, searching Youtube and watching all sorts of random shit.Happy thanksgiving, and please post any videos you love here or on my wall. Enjoy:

John Elway: John Elway leading the drive. I still own this video, and the 1986 "Mile High Champions" videotape, and I nearly wore both out watching them every Saturday and Sunday growing up. John Elway was my first true love and I always ask WWJED (What Would John Elway Do=Procrastination). I know Elway has been kind of dick in his personal life (and to Mr. Moorman, a story I may ask him to post on here sometime), but I don't care. Jesus had his share of problems, and he has done alright for himself.


 Brace for a blog explaining the Church of Elway (aka Elwayology).

Christianity has Jesus on a cross,  Elwayology has John leaping in between two Packers.



Gilbert Arenas: Best game-winning shot ever. Raising the arms before it even drops. I love me some Melo and JR, but that is just bad ass.


But that is not all that makes Gil great. There was the blog, which was just fantastic. Even while struggling through injury, he was entertaining. At the beginning of this season he was being surly and trying to avoid talking to the media, thinking it would help him focus. It didn't work, and it just wasn't Gilbert. Then this happened:

Agent Zero Pilot from Gilbert Arenas vs Agent Zero on Vimeo.

What other NBA player would do this? Not many, as they, or the people that run their lives, are too image conscious.

DeShawn Stevenson: "I watch gangster flicks and root for the bad guy, turn it off before it end because the bad guy die." -50 Cent. That is how I feel about my boy DeShawn. He is crazy. Insane in the membrane, but he captivates me.


I really fell in love after watching this video, with him and Gilbert betting thousands of dollars against each other in a post-practice 3-point shootout. Gil shot one-handed from college range, D-Steve regular from NBA range. NBA players from every team may do this, but it seems like the Wizards are the only ones who would have it filmed, thanks to Dan Steinberg at the DC Sports Bog and Bullets Forever. I need to make this blog as awesome as those.

Colorado State: When I feel really down about CSU sports I have a few videos I love to watch, especially this one.


And this one:

And I always enjoy Robert Herbert fucking bitches up. Oh what could have been if he didn't steal credit cards.


A little D.A.:


Eric Berry: All I want is Eric Berry to be a Bronco next year. Trade everyone for him, I don't care.





Hockey Fights: Red Wings-Avs, the best rivalry I have ever seen. If I ever meet Darren McCarty I am buying him a drink. Why? So that alcoholic motherfucker falls off the wagon. What a flamboyant cheap pussy. Oh, but what entertainment.

I love Roy kicking Vernon's ass.

This one is good too: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0alqGVE9ipg

Joe Sakic's lone fight. "How do you like them apples, Gilmore."


Oh, Phadouche:


Peter Forsberg: Man he was good.


For more Avalanche love, go to Mile High Hockey.

Best Commercial Ever?

Fernando Torres: Just watching this video made me go out and play a few games of FIFA.

The Weekend Sack-Up: This keeps getting better and better...

(No pictures, I am too damn pissed to do that much work)

Am I trapped in a movie? A stupid, slackstick comedy, where I am in the Belly of the Whale stage (Sophomore Core ftw) and I ponder aloud "Could this get any worse?" only to have a piano fall and crush my car or some shit. Because it sure feels like it. It seems like yesterday CSU was killin' it, the Broncos were the tits, the Avs were cherry, the Rocks were epic and the Nuggs were mint (80s slang factor +1). Now, everything smells like taint and I don't want to look. The Nuggets only look good, but even they lost to the shitty LA team. What the fuck?

It is very nice that it is Thanksgiving and I will be with family all week (in lovely Sedona, Arizona) or else it might be wise for one of my readers to alert some mental health experts to check on me (Sedona is actually my aliby, as I will be hunting down both starting quarterbacks in today's game. SHHHH. I've got Marmalard in my sights, he is taunting a child whose balloon popped).  Seriously, shit is falling apart. I don't like it. We will go from worst to somewhat marginal as I grasp for silver linings:

CSU: CSU is so bad we aren't even inventing new ways to lose, we are being lazy and making knockoffs of 2006/07. This weekend's game against New Mexico was a carbon copy of the 2007 loss to New Mexico. Is there hope against Wyoming? I guess, but this Rams team just refuses to win. There are some bright spots for next season, as several young players made some big plays, but if CSU can't find a quarterback by next season it won't matter. Steve Fairchild and this team have gone from the Penthouse to the outhouse in just 8 games, and he better figure some shit out this offseason or he may not make it to year 4. I have been disapointed to be a CSU fan often, it goes with the territory, but this loss makes me embarrased.

Usually I have laid the blame on the fact that CSU was out-manned, but in this game the coaching staff didn't help at all. The staff didn't take a timeout with about 45 seconds left as New Mexico was obviously trying to set up for a field goal, allowing them to run the clock down to 15 seconds. Why not take the timeouts? We ran out of time in that game with one timeout in our pocket. At least it would have made New Mexico run another play, and as we saw against Weber State, sometimes one play can make a huge difference. I advocated a change from Sonny because too often his staff fucked up games like this, and last season this staff was aggressive and found ways to win. This season the team has regressed to the exact same place as 2007. I now wonder if we would have been in a better place by just keeping Sonny and skipping all the drama. This sucks.

The worst was the fact that the Rams could have stolen a win twice, when New Mexico muffed the CSU punt, only to have the lone Lobo in the area steal the ball from about six Rams and when CSU gave up the easiest 4th-and-3 ever on the final drive. Besides Sisson, Oppeneer and sometimes Elijah Blu-Smith, it seems no Rams defenders have the ability to make a big play. Weak. Jon Mosure's fumble was also terribily costly.


Broncos: The only reason this isn't the worst is that this game was fucked up from the start. It was just one of those games where everything that could go wrong, did.

-The Broncos had to start a back-up QB, when our starter isn't even that good.

-That back-up fumbled on his first drop back, killing all our early momentum.

-I am convinced that Knowshon scored before that fumble. He hit the gaurd's knee with the ball, and the guard's knee was in the end zone/on the goal line. Why the NFL doesn't have camera's on both goallines? I have asked this before and I will until it happens. The league makes billions and can't figure this out. This play was so crucial, and yet I saw two angles of it, none which made it very clear.

-Prior to the Broncos lone points, on third down Eddie Royal was held in his route and Merriman dove at an injured Kyle Orton's legs. That should have been two penalties, instead none were called. The Chargers only had one penalty called on them all game (two were nullified by calls on the Broncos as well), while the Broncos had 9. An entire NFL game and only three violations? Dubious, if you ask me.

-The Broncos didn't seem to bring much pressure and I have no clue why. Are we that scared of Phillip River's deep lobs that we won't rush. It was the key to the game last time and we sat back and let him pick us apart.

-The onside kick was baller, minus the Broncos failing to jump on the football. McD realized that it was now or never for the Broncos to grab some momentum and he risked it all. It failed, but I liked the gamble. I would rather get stomped 32-3 and have pulled everything out of the bag than to lose like 20-3 by taking the conventional NFL Head Coach route of deficit moderation.

-I'm really glad I'm not working this week or else I might stab my boss.

In da club: It was a very busy week, but nothing matched last week in the wierd category. Craziest thing was when some girl rubbed/grabbed the butt of one of our Gogo dancers (who may be dating Owen Wilson, if rumors are to be trusted). I usually am cool with girl-on-girl action, but everyone knows you don't touch the dancers. Sadly I was unable to break my choke-hold virginity on a girl, but I did have to escort her out.

Thursday I went into work and was told to post up six feet from a pole with three award winning pole dancers taking turns for about an hour-and-a-half. It really is a tough job. In order not to stare at them I also placed myself so that I could see them in the reflection of a mirror, thus I looked like I was scanning the crowd while I just kept watching. Sometimes I am smart.

Avalanche: Taking a page out of the CSU playbook by blowing leads late in the game. Not good. I want a reason to be able to watch hockey in March and April (or at least complain to Direct TV that I don't have VS). Please get your shit figured out.

-Matty Duchene is starting to score on the reg (/Kenny Powers). This makes me so happy. The kid is fucking awesome and he will be a star sooner rather than later.

Tweet of the week: (follow MessiahThaDon)  A tie this week between QBs traded for each other:

KingNeckbeard: Coach says i'm too drunk to start... What a flaming pile of horseshit! I only got this drunk so my ankle wouldn't hurt fuckface!
NotJayCutler : Watching Chris Simms throw is like watching Mozart paint.


Nuggets: The fucking Clippers? Without the Black Ginger. Fuck me. At least you righted your shit and beat those bitch ass Bulls.

-JR is blowing kisses to the crowd and that makes me happy.

-Birdman may be getting back to decent. I thought we were gonna have to start dolling out the coke to get him all excited again.

Rockies: Guess who is not on the 40-man roster? Yorvit. YEEEEESSSSSS. Sign that motherfucker next September, but until then keep his .200 average and spaghetti arm out of Coors.

Coming up this week:  To counteract all this negativity, I will fill a post of many of the people, websites and videos that make me love sports. Ya know, it is Thanksgiving week. Then a Pregaming edition for Wyoming, which will involve me trying to recount my Border War blackout last year.

Sack and Edy discuss the NBA, Part II (finally) [Edy insults aplenty]

I welcome my readers to this preseason, first week semi early in the year NBA preview on Sackrilegious. Again, I welcome Mr. Trevor Edy to discuss the NBA (Remember this Nuggs Preview from about 2 months ago? Neither do I. Blame is on Edy, more on that later). I welcome him like you welcome Jehova's Witnesses into your house. Reminder: he speaks in Italics, because that is the way I imagine his French ancestors spoke. I speak in the noble font you know as normal.

This is a little all over the place, but is that really surprising in any way?  

When life gives you hate, make Haterade.

When prompted to write about the NBA by a friend, recycle jokes from freshman year. Glad you're bringing the A-game.


We need to give Ty Lawson some love: He is quick. Both Edy and I forgot to mention him during our Nuggets preview, and that was inexcusable. Again, I blame AC, whose suckiness melted my brain. A back-up point guard who comes in and changes the pace of the game, but in a good way. Egads! This does work better than a turnover machine.

Something we failed to address in the last post. Ty Lawson is going to have me saying “Is this real life????” (insert kid from dentist video) many times this season. He looks like a cross between Sherron Collins and Mateen Cleaves, but has game like Chris Paul, already. You know what this means, less minutes for AC-eeeeeeeeeee. AC can go take his green hummer and shove it up his ass… from the bench, of course.

Most hated player in the league: LeBron. I really seem to dislike him and the fact that everyone seems to love him. Ginobli is also up here, but the LeBron love gets to me. Guess what? That bitch hasn't won anything yet, but everyone keeps putting him up as the best player ever. He has barely done anything better than Melo and has achieved less than D-Wade. Plus, he is a fucking dick.

Not shaking hands after the loss to the Magic is a total bitch move. You lost to a better TEAM, give them some respect. Don't run off and refuse to talk about it. You want to be the highest paid athlete ever and you constantly appear in TV commercials hawking car insurance or some other dumb shit, annoying the piss out of me, but when things go bad you hide. It doesn't work that way Bron-Bron. You gotta take the good with the bad.

Crab-Dribble, what the fuck are you on? Delonte West even thinks that was stupid. 

Such a bitch. A 6'9" 250-pound man, who, as far as I recall, has never been called for a charge, despite flying to the basket like Brian Dawkins after a receiver. Always bitching about the refs. It makes me sick. I want to be able to cheer for you, being such a freak-of-nature and arguably the most athletic person on the planet, but you are too conceited for me, which is really saying something.  

Two words: Sasha Vujacic. Two more words: Douche Bag. If you don’t agree with me on this, well… fuck you. This guy might as well wear a giant pussy on his face. I can just see him doing an ‘Always’ pad commercial telling women to “have a happy period.” This is not out of the realm of possibility.  

Quick game: Which of these pictures is actually Trevor Edy, and not some douchebag? Answer below. 

Trevor, on Facebook, dubbed me the Sasha Vujacic of his friend's circle. That is the most fucked up thing anyone has ever said to me. Trevor could abort my baby from the womb of Betty Draper and I would not be as upset at him as I am over that slight.

He later recanted a bit, to say that "If my circle of friends was the Lakers, you would be Sasha." Oh, that is so much better. So then I called him the Luke Walton of my friend circle (in Laker terms), and also the Eric Byrnes overall in sports terms. Look at him: the abhorrent whiteness, the former long-flowing bleach blond locks, the fake hustle and, most of all, the shit-talking with absolutely nothing to back it up. If this blog takes some ugly swipes at Edy the rest of the way, remember that he called me Sasha Vagania-cic and you will understand my anger.

Plus, Edy was supposed to have this preview done weeks ago, but he is the biggest slacker since Kwame Brown. He even promised to work on it as a birthday present to me, and then didn't do shit. Cost me two weeks at least on this NBA preview because he "couldn't get his Bill Simmons on." Would the real Trevor Edy please separate stand up?  

Answer: All of the above are Douchebags. You're on thin ice as resident NBA expert, former-pal. 

All right, it is actually Edy in the middle, dressed as Aaron Carter for Halloween. On a related note, Mr. Edy, that is certainly a Man-Code violation. Your Man-Card has been suspended. 

Some good came out of this exchange, however: We decided that our Laker friend, Cartman Molloy, would obviously be Shannon Brown. According to a former Cavs and CSU staffer, Brown was the dumbest person he ever met. He would go on road trips and pack nothing but his warm-ups, meaning he had to wear a robe or jersey for most of the trip. 

Shannon Brown minus the really athleticism part. If the shoe fits. (Quote generated from Edy text messages). 

Favorite non-Nugget: I have Gilbert Arenas. He is my boy. Everything that I would want to be as a player. Quick. Quirky. A hard worker. Deadly jumper. One of the few guys in the league who can be a top-flight scorer and also be among league leaders in assists. He is bawse (/Tommy Joiner).  

Surprise team: Washington Wizards. Arenas is back. I watched some highlights, and that fucker is quick again. He isn't talking crazy shit either. The team has enough depth for anyone in the East, the young guys got time last year. Leadership from Antwan, Tuff Juice and Gil. Flip Saunders is a decent coach and will turn a 19 win team into at least the second round of the playoffs, pushing 50 wins. This is biased because I love the Bullets, but they are due. I think if they match up with the Cavs it is possible they shock them and force Bron out of Cleveland. The East is a crap shoot of overrated teams anyway.

*The Wiz have not really started out gangbusters, so this prediction looks really stupid. But Gil just brought back Agent Zero, and if you have ever watched a movie, you know the montage of winning is just around the corner. Right? 

You know that one girl at the party that you know is going to be either (a) passed out on the couch at the end of the night, (b) end up being part of a “Birmingham Booty Call,”or (c) telling everyone “I’m so classy” as her boob flies out of her tube top. You know one of these three things will happen, you just don’t know when. Just like, you know Arenas is going to get hurt, it might not be tomorrow or next week, but it WILL happen. The team will fold without him, just like they do every year. I think Flip Saunders is a great coach, but he is in a tough position. They have solid players, a good mix of crafty veterans and rising young stars, even have a leading candidate for my NBA first-team all-ugly, Mike Miller… and, uhhh, Sam Cassell (a perennial addition into the all-ugly team) is an Assistant Coach. I’m done here.   

He had knee surgery, it takes a couple years to come back from. It is the same injury as K-Mart, Amare and tons of other guys have had. Two years recovery, brother. Gilbert trained all offseason with Jordan's guy in Chicago. Barring someone rolling into his knee again, he will be fine. If we are going by your analogy, about girls at parties, he is the hot girl at the party who, for whatever stupid reason, ends up hooking up with a douchebag who treats her wrong. She loses confidence, gets out of the dating game for a while, but after some therapy and time to fix her life, she will come back into the game wiser and will make some guy's life (I imagine this is how Rihanna and I will end up together). That analogy was rough, but I still don't understand why I would want to talk on a cell phone that was up some chick's ass. Crazy Kappas. 

However, I think Houston is going to be a major surprise out of the Southwest division. In a recent win at Utah, they had eight guys in double figures. They are really an all around team with a good coach (Rick Adelman). Shane Battier, a guy that this blog has come to admire, was a +36 in the +/- that game. Pretty incredible in a 113-96 win.  

Houston is going to suck my balls. No playoffs. Sorry. T-Mac is their hope and it won't happen. They have bad ju-ju. If you think Gil is the girl about to lose her shit at the party, Houston is the sororstitute that have been drinking since noon, whose sole plan in life is to get pounded by someone cool. We all know how that ends: Mickeys and Blunts, your basement, Ronnie Aguilar and some poor little blond girl. Not a pretty sight, I must say: Houston will have a problem this year. 

No doubt in this category. Have to love OKC. What’s not to love? Kevin Durant is the future of the league. Plus, that Hyperize commercial slays me every time it comes on. 

I wanted you to write a preview ala Bill Simmons, not parrot him. But yeah, OKC really is the best choice. Fuck that Bawstahn fucktahd for stealing all the good talking points. 

Most hated Nuggs opponent that we haven't heard much about (and that you think the team would hate the most): More who we suspect will become a thorn in the Nuggets side. Like Russell Westbrook or OJ Mayo, after his 40 point blow up earlier this year. Like how Scott Hairston hits a bomb against the Rockies every fucking game, but sucks against everyone else. JJ Berrea is kinda like that. I gotta go with Trevor Ariza. Everyone gives Kobe credit, but Ariza was a straight punk last season to the Nuggs, fucking our shit up. He played Melo as well as anyone one-on-one (or as close to it as anyone does, because don't no one guard Melo one-on-one)...

"I don't really think it's possible to have a 'Melo stopper," Anthony said. "No team in the NBA will just let me play one-on-one against them. They just won't do it."

...and he managed to score enough points to piss me off. Now he is a Rocket. Awesome. With him and Battier the Rockets will piss Melo off enough that he might Kufi slap some more fools (ht: Rory). 

Going out on a limb here and saying Luke “Pretty Boy” Walton. He’s already been going back and forth with our man, Renaldo Balkman, in the early stages of the preseason. I see plenty of jawing in the future for these two. Obviously both teams have some beef to settle after last year’s playoff series. This will again be ignited this year. 

I hope to God that Balkman or someone smacks that Grateful Dead loving bitch in the face. If AC does it, he earns a reprieve from my hate. Do it A.C.

Will any NBA player challenge Ron-Ron Artest for Starbury Memorial Award and at what moment and how will Artest derail the Lakers? 1) Depending on what happens with this S-Jack situation, he could do some shit. Iverson could blow up Memphis (called it). T-Mac might injure himself in some creative way, like Houston the rapper/singer.

I think Artest takes a really bad T in close game, blowing a game that was about to be another classic Kobe-comeback. From then on the questions start and his play starts to slack. Either that or he becomes the first guy crazy enough to demand that Kobe get him the ball more, and in turn brawls with Kobe, finishing it by ripping the leg of a courtside table and impaling Kobe through the heart.

Why do I have Cleveland winning the championship this year?? Not Shaq, not LBJ.… Ladies and Gentlemen: Delonte West! He is a first-teamer on the NBA All-Neck Tattoo team. I was having a chat with one of my buddies and we were discussing the connection between stupid shit and neck tattoos. The correlation is uncanny. Guys in the L with neck tattoos: Starbury, Delonte, Kmart, Deshawn Stevenson, etc. (also see the “Uh, this is my one phone call, so don’t hang up” team) All guys who at anytime can be pulled over on his crotch rocket with a loaded shotgun (oops, that already happened) and you wouldn’t bat an eye.  It makes too much sense. And  that’s not even the most outrageous thing that Mr. West has done. Case and point. MR. WEST IS IN THE BUILDING! Anytime your young role player puts out a video like that, you have to know you’re going to be successful this season. …. We can build on this! 

The only thing that would make that video better is if Kanye West inturupted it somehow. "Excuse, Delonte West, but Starbury had the greatest meltdown on a webcam ever." Wow, that is glorious. 

As for Artest: I don’t see him being the defensive stopper he has been in the past. He just doesn’t fit in the Lakeshow system. Not really sure why they went and changed their chemistry to add a guy who has openly had a homophobic boy band love for their star player. “Mr. Mantrum ”will lose control and eventually cost LA an important game at some point. 

Will Blake Griffin ever play a game? Yes, only to rupture his ACL during the jumpball. 

Look for many top 10 plays from Mr. Griffin. Side note: ON PAPER, the Clippers are playoff contender. Baron, Eric Gordon, Al Thorton (whom I love), Kaman, Camby, the list goes on. This is like the dream video game team. Too bad for them, they don’t play the games on an 8.5 x 11. 

That is paper. Mixing your metaphors there young Edy. You also forgot to mention that Dunleavy is the coach. Doomed.  

Will Indiana cut Dauntay Jones before the end of the season? He is not white enough for that franchise. 

After watching just one game in which he played. I now know how the rest of the league felt last year. 

He is quite the dick. Maybe he can still do the Nuggs a favor and get Chris Paul suspended for another nutsack sucker punch.  

Player in the NBA who plays most like yourself:  Yao. I am really tall and have decent coordination for my size, but I should be tougher and I should be able to dominate more than I do. I also make dunking really difficult, when it shouldn't be at my height. Solid range to about 15 feet. Players a few inches shorter that are much quicker can own me. Fortunately, I am not a big pussy who is constantly hurt. Sadly, I am a full foot shorter. 

Andre Miller, excluding the fact he has the personality of a fish, this one is dead on. He’d rather back down a smaller PG, than take a contested 15 footer. A guy who looks to get his teammates involved first. This may cause problems in Portland, however. Both Andre Miller and Brandon Roy need the ball to thrive… only one ball.   

You would pick the whitest black man in the league. I think you play like A.C. You push the ball recklessly, have solid range in close but brick threes, but you hustle all over the place. IF I AM SASHA YOU ARE AC. SUCK ON THAT!   

Song that best desribes your Nuggets outlook this season: Don't Wake Me Up- Ya Boy ft. Knock the Hometown Hero. 

"I started off with them gangsta (people of color) that push and peddle, I Could have robbed some (suckus), could have shot some (Ninjas), but you did it first and look where it got you (sir), we set examples now, ball and watch these hampers pile full of checks, started in the West and world stamped it now, on top of the world, most the time on top of they girl, fuck the assumers, only idiots listen to rumors."

This sounds a lot like Melo, coming up from the hood and now he needs to realize that shit is expected of him. He can be the best in league, or at least he should be. Time to keep it going. Don't get involved in any of that dumb thug shit anymore.

"Sitting on top of the world, if my life's a dream, don't wake me up. I'm in magazines and I'm living it up. I'm on top of the world and I'm blowing up, don't wake me up."

The way the Nuggs played last year and started this season, I am pretty stoked. I don't want them to fall off, I want this to continue. If last season was our dream season, I don't want to see this season turn into a reality where we suck again, and aren't fun to watch.

"Tell them haters to pipe down."

Prognosticators picking us to fall off, fuck them. Only idiots listen to rumors, or Tim Legler.

"I'm on my grind, if you not on my level get left behind, take a look up and see where I'm at (Sitting on top of the world)" 

Other players on the team need to realize that Melo and Chauncey can take them to the top, but they have to step up their level as well. Too much last year, as we choked against the Lakers, it was just Melo and Chauncey, taking on all five Lakers. Odom, Pau, Ariza and even fucktarded Shannon Brown made big plays. No one on the Nuggs stepped up. That needs to change. 

“We Ready” By Archie… I think they are ready this year. They will constantly be the “Nobody believed in us except the guys in this locker room” team.  

Keith Burns thinks this song is very 1999.  

Song that best describes the state of the league: Three blind mice, because of the refs. Get it? 

Anything by LMFAO and that LOL (Smiley Face) song by Trey Songz… ever since athletes have been exposed to twitter they all of a sudden feel obligated to tweet like a 12-year-old girl in a chat room who just received another “300 more hours free” AOL CD in the mail. The NBA: Where LMFAO! and LOL! happens.   

LMFAO is the tits. Don't dog them. But yes, the smiley face song is perfect for the NBA. Every time that comes on in the club I want to strangle the fucking DJ. Edy wins this penultimate section. 

Random Notes: Side note #879 – Our GM came out with this… http://espn.go.com/blog/truehoop/post/_/id/10155/mark-warkentiens-play-in-tournament … This is why we love the Nuggets, among other things.  

Our GM should stick to finding a big man so Nene can play the four. 

Predictions: Trevor/Matt

Eastern Southwest: Miami/Orlando

Central: Cleveland/Cleveland

Atlantic: Boston/Boston

Western Southwest: Houston/San Antonio

Northwest: Denver/Denver

Pacific: Los Angeles Lakers/LA Lakers

Eastern Conference Champ: Cleveland/Boston

Western Conference Champ: LA Lakers/San Antonio

NBA Champs: Cleveland/San Antonio 

Most Valuable Player: Lebron James/Lebron

Rookie of the Year: Brandon Jennings/DeJuan Blair

Defensive Player of the Year: Dwight Howard/Dwight Howard (even if Battier deserves it)

6th Man: Rasheed Wallace/Jason Terry

Most Improved Player: Emeka Okafor/Greg Oden (which big man will suck less)

Surprise Team: Houston/Washington

Surprise Player: Ramon Sessions/Anthony Randolph

Disappointing Team: Dallas/New Orleans