A List of Things I Hate About CU

I started with the idea to do a list of things that I hated more than that university in Boulder that supposedly reps Colorado, but it was pretty short.

Like Cody Hawkins short.

It included started with cancer and gang rapes, but then I realized those things actually do have a lot to do with CU, so I gave up. But there are a whole lotta things I hate about CU, so let's explore them.




50 Reasons Why I Hate CU: (some of these numbers will correspond, some will be random. Why? Because my hatred flows out of me in this order and I refuse to censor it. I was going for 100, but that is a lot of hate).

1. Because it exists.

2. Because they think they are better than me. I hate anyone who acts like they are better than me. Nothing pisses me off more. And if there is one place that just oozes smug superiority, it is Boulder. Why do they think they are better than Colorado State? I don't really know.

3: "If you can't go to college, go to state:" Alert! We are both universities. This might make sense if you were Colorado College.

4: Hippies: I don't mind people who are real hippies, that live off by themselves in a commune and don't bother me. Fake-ass Boulder hippies that wear leather sandals, love Dave Matthews and only care about getting high piss me off to no end.

5. Fifth Downs: Shouldn't happen.


6: Folsom Field: Props for having it right on campus, but the giant parking lot at Hughes is a much better tailgating atmosphere, even though it is more difficult to reach. Boulder is too segmented.


7: Cody Hawkins: The fact that this tiny little chode beat us twice is depressing to no end, but I do owe him some props due to the fact he has been instrumental in his dad's inability to field a good football team.

8. Pearl Street: Ain't got shit on Old Town.

9. Katie Hnida: Speaking of jersey chasing sluts... Barney was right, she was fucking terrible.



10. Brad Jones: What a fucking idiot. No, seriously. If he really can't learn the name of Kory Sperry, a guy who scored about 10 TDs in his career vs. Jones and CU, he is mentally on par Forrest Gump. Or a genius as far as CU players go. (Midway down in this article you can read his tardlike comments. I don't reccomend it).

11. RTD: Gary Barnett's plan to Return CU to Dominance. Or, the bus CU players now have to take, due to the fact that there education was worthless.


12. Slick Rick: At least his sleazy reign was entertaining. Barnett's was just sleaze. Hawkins, just retarded.


13. Intramurals: Cody should go play them, brother!


14. James Cox: Because the ex-CU backup QB once challenged me to a fight over Facebook. Just because I created a fake Gary Barnett page and told my players to get more rapey.


15.Bison: Your mascot is a bison. Buffalo don't exist in America. But keep trying.



16: Mason Crosby: What a fucking dick this guy was. I mean, his game-winning kicks were one thing, but then he had the audacity to date, cheat on, and then eventually marry one of the prettiest, nicest girls that I have ever met. I hope he slips tomorrow on a banana peel and his ACL tears into a million pieces right now. Or gets hit by truck.


17. Lawrence Vickers: We once had a moment before a game. He gestured at me for making fun of Dusty Sprague. I called him a rapist. He stared me down. I challenged him to a fight. I'm very glad he turned me down.


18. Number of players on the 1987 roster were arrested. 65 were contacted by police. Speak it Sports Illustrated:

Since February 1986 at least two dozen Buffalo players have been arrested, for everything from trespassing to serial rape.

Classy. Proving that CU's pattern of dickhead players was not a new phenomena under Barnett, Nueheisel or Hawkins. In order to be good, the Buffs recruit thugs.

That, or the city of Boulder just hates football players (read; black people).


19. Ralphie: She is a bitch. I can't wait until the day she runs over a CU player. God I hope it's Hawkins Jr.

20: CSU total number of wins: CU fans always claim they are better historically than CSU, pointing toward their 20-59-2 record against CSU. Which is pretty dominant. But CU won 14 of those games before CSU even won a single game in the series (in 1912) and  then 12 straight from 1934-1947, a time when Harry Hughes refused to recruit and offer scholarships to players, beleiving in the purity of amateur sport. CU won 36 games against CU before 1947, while the Rams only won 10. Since, CU holds a 23-10 record over the Rams. Still pretty good, but it overlooks the fact that CU and CSU didn't play for 25 years after 1958, so CU missed playing some of CU's worst squads with some of the better CSU teams.



21. Rae Carruth


22. Volleyball: We own you guys at volleyball. 22-11. Should be more but you always try not to play us.


23. The 70-3 score vs. Texas in 2005. I visited your school that night to party. I kept telling a funny joke. It went:

Me: Wanna hear a funny joke?
CU Person: Okay.
Me: 70-3. Hahahahah.

Hugh Charles really didn't find that joke funny.


24. CU: It is University of Colorado. Way to copy retarded ass Kansas and Oklahoma.


25. Bitching out. 1958 is when you chicken out from the rivalry. We beat you 15-1. It took you 25 years to get over that loss and play us again.


26. The Big XII: You loved to brag about the Big XII so much, until Texas and Oklahoma continually beat your asses, then you bailed.


27. The Pac 10: Enjoy being USC's bitch, even while they are on probation.


28. Nebraska: Trying to make them a big rivalry is a joke. Now they are gone, which means...


29. Utah: You can try to force a rivalry with them. Enjoy. By the way, they will always hate BYU more than you.


30. Super Bowl: So it looks like the rivalry with CSU will become YOUR Super Bowl.


31. Wyoming: They really don't factor into my hatred of CU, but I actually hate them more. CU vs. CSU is a showdown. CSU vs. Wyoming is a fucking war.


32. Dusty Sprague: He is a straight bitch who got fucked up by one Robert Herbert. And he also married one of my old friends. Proving that girls that go to CU are just jersey chasing sluts.


33. Phantom Clips: Only thing worse on that play than the retarded ref, your retarded coaches who punted to the Rocket with a minute remaining.


34: Phantom PI: Called against Joey Rucks in 2006 on a 4th down pass that landed out of bounds allowed CU to win 31-28 in OT. Still makes me sick to my stomach.


35. Tear Gas: If you guys didn't suck so much in 1999, CSU fans wouldn't have been so rowdy and the Denver Po-Po might not have had their moment in the sun.


36. Rushing the Field: Every fucking time you win, in the last five years. It is only cool when we rush your field. Or you beat a top-10 team. But Texas Tech and Iowa State. You probably would have rushed had you beat Montana State. But you didn't.


37. Security Guards: Who tried to strip the football I smuggled into your stadium from my while I ran all over your field last year. Dicks.


38. Bill McCartney: Annoucing his retirement the day of Salaam's 2,000 yard milestone is one of the dickest moves of all-time by a coach. Lane Kiffin thinks that is egotistical.


39. Promise Keepers: The same guy who started the Promise Keepers had a daughter who got preggos by two of his players. Maybe fix your own own house before telling the world how to fix their's.


40. Dan Hawkins: We're back proclamation in 2006 really echoed Dubya's "Mission Accomplished" speach in Iraq.


41. Hostages: After the 2004 loss I stayed with friends in Boulder afterwards. They pretended I was a hostage and displayed me to their friends. If CSU won my friend was supposed to come to Fort Collins and repay the favor. He pussed out. So I desecrated his homemade bar with a giant "CSU 14-10" tag in sharpie.


42. Williams Village: The most ghetto dorm in America.


43. Scotty McKnight: Crazy old Scotty got kicked out of school for threatening to shit on and kill his teacher (or something similar). Bumblefuck Hawkins feels he is a great kid.


44. Marc Sanchez: Like I needed another reason to hate CU, but we had this assclown showing up last year. Shouldn't the fact that he is a friend of Scotty's rule him ineligible? It's all right though, because I'm sure "Scotty doesn't know, where the fuck he is, because Blu just knocked his ass out cold. He thought he caught a pass, now he's on his ass, and refs just said 'It's a fumble.' Scotty doesn't know..."

What kind of grown man calls himself Scotty anyway?

45. Ward Churchill: You ain't even Indian Native American, brother.

46. Chip: Your cartoon mascot is literally named after excrement. What a piece of shit.


47.  Jeremy Bloom: You should not have gone to CU, you should have come to your home. Most of us have watched you since birth, thanks to your dad's class. Sonny really fucked this up. Fuck you for rubbing it in our face.


48: Fum and his boys roll into town and beat you 29-25 in 1948. He comes up with a great song to help relish the victory. He also wore 48. Yup, he taught me to hate CU-Boulder.


49. Rape: I don't like it. Your team tends to enjoy it. This is a problem for me.

50. Again, just the fact that CU exists.

Bonus :The mythical national championship: CU fans love to talk about their ill-gotten NC in 1990 like it makes them worlds better than CSU, like it validates them as a college superpower. And yes, from about 1988-1994 CU was one of the best teams in the nation. Good for you. Other than that run, and a brief surge in 2001, you haven't been shit (and what happened to that 2001 team when it started the season ranked sixth? Oh yes, CSU and MR. BVP spiked them 19-14).

But that 1990 NC is arguably the weakest in college football history. I mean, look at the facts:

-Georgia Tech finished 11-0-1. CU finished 11-1-1. True CU played a harder schedule, but undefeated is undefeated. The AP called CU champs, the UPI called GT champs.
-They tied Tennessee 31-31, with Tennessee getting inside the CU 20 on the last play of the game.
-Lost to #25 Illinois.
-CU barely beat a 5-6 Stanford team, scoring with just seconds left on a very close call (Denny Green still doesn't believe he scored). Stanford later lost to mighty San Jose State.
-CU was a very questionable (some would say phantom) clip call from losing to Notre Dame as the Rocket was ten yards clear of everyone when a block in the back was called.
-CU should have lost to Missouri, again getting a generous spot from the refs on a touchdown on the last play of the game. It was pretty close. Oh, and CU had the fortune of that whole fifth-down thing right before.

When you bring this up to CU fans, they say "So, at least we were good enough to have an oppurtunity to get lucky and win a championship. When has CSU ever been that good?"

How about 2000, when we lost by 3 points on the road in 110+ heat at Arizona State and by 4 points in a blizzard at Air Force. If the refs gave us a couple favorable calls, you could just call us national champs.

So, to summarize, that is 50 reasons why I hate CU. I'm sure you have more to add, so feel free.

Before I'd see my son in Boulder, I'd see my son in hell.

How I Fell in Love with Colorado State University

If you know me at all, you know that I am one of the biggest CSU fans in the world (and my height has nothing to do with it). CSU clothes make up half my wardrobe. My car is adorned w/ a CSU sticker on the back windshield. I attended CSU. So did my mother, sister, uncle, first-cousin, tons of other family members, and best friends. I covered CSU athletics for the Collegian. I spent a semester as a Graduate Assistant for CSU Athletics. During that time I helped literally rewrite the CSU record books. I would put my knowledge of CSU sports up against all but 10 people in the world. I rarely go a day with checking Ramnation.com, CSURams.com and Gold & Green News. My obsession with CSU is probably unhealthy.

Yet that hasn't always been the case. I spent much of my life cheering for the now-hated Buffs. I dreamed of attending CU as a kid, playing football on Folsom Field. I cheered against the Rams at the first Rocky Mountain Shootout in Mile High. I cried when my family tuned in halfway through the 1999 CSU win (my dad's inability to read and a 28-0 scoreline just did not compute). Even into my senior year of high school I cheered for CU. Soon that all changed.

And, no, smartass CU alums, it was not because I was somehow rejected from CU and "forced" to attend state (BRAG ALERT: My ACT score was high enough it was literally off the chart both CU & CSU use for entry). It became crystal clear throughout my senior year of school that Colorado State University was the perfect place for me. I got the same exact education and paid far less money to attend. Also, I was able to avoid the vast majority of douchiness that persists in the People's Republic of Boulder.

I was never comfortable in my own skin while growing up in the Dale, but within hours of moving into the dorms at CSU I was already at home. I made friends that I will keep for life and truly blossomed into the awesome human being you see today. The one who is so awesome you losers read words that I write while sitting in my underoos while crying drunken tears.

I bonded with many of my friends on my second night at State when we stumbled upon several hundred CSU fans chanting "DIRTY HIPPIES, FUCK CU!" whilst trying to light a pine tree on fire. I showed them that to light a tree on fire it helps to have some kindling, so we gathered several beer boxes and got a little fire going. Nothing helps indoctrinate someone to a school like a little rioting (I'm not saying I'm proud of this moment, I'm just saying it was pretty awesome at the time).

Even after this I still wasn't sure if I could cheer against the CU football program. It was just too tied up in me. My earliest memories almost all include me, dressed in a CU jersey running around my house impersonating Eric Bienemy (aka Eric THE ENEMY, which I thought was his name), Michael Westbrook and even Rae Carruth /shudder (which, right there should be a lesson in why your children should never be allowed to cheer for CU). One of the most tragic moments of my childhood was the when my mom told me that I could never cut my hair into a high-top fade like my favorite CU players because I wasn't black and never would be (little did she know. Momma, look at me now!). It wasn't that I didn't think I could cheer for CSU, they really had been my second favorite team growing up, but I wasn't sure I could hate the Buffs.

Then...I actually attended a CU-CSU game as a student. I rode up to the game with my boy Sailor, who promptly bailed on me before gametime to sit in the CU student section, while I went by myself to a section that was split CSU and CU fans. I didn't know a soul and was relatively sober (last time I will EVER make that mistake) and within seconds I was being mocked by CU fans. Some older CSU fans immediately jumped in, took me into their group and handed me a flask of Jack. I took swigs as they taught me Fum's Song.

The moment that Johnny Walker (the irony of his name is really thick in this story) made a miraculous fourth-quarter TD catch to get CSU back in the game was the moment I truly surrendered myself to CSU. It was my baptism in Green and Gold, as myself and a random collection of strangers I had never met dissolved into a mass of humanity, collapsing to the bleachers in the most jubilant moment of my life to that point.

With just seconds left in the game, David Anderson made a catch at the goal line and CSU was literally inches from an amazing win (I, and DA, still believe he was in the end zone). CSU was gonna beat the Buffs, in Boulder, scoring the winning touchdown literally 15 yards from where I sat.

We all know what happened next. The beginning of the end for Sonny Lubick and the CSU Rams as a college football power.

It was a cruel way to begin my college career, and in the next four years I watched us piss away two more horrible games to CU, get blown out of the water by almost any quality opponent and had to cover one of the most awkward and bitter break-ups of all-time (CSU firing Sonny was akin to me firing my Grandfather). Still, I soldiered, backed by booze and a beleif that thing would turn around.

In my senior year, things did turn. In the last college football game I attended as a student I was able to rush the field in Wyoming as CSU captured the Bronze Boot and got back to bowl eligibility.

Then, just days before I was set to move to California, I delayed my departure so that I could go to one more Rocky Mountain Showdown.

We all know how that turned out.

Yup, I vaulted over a railing, landing on Folsum Field, not 15 yards from the cruelest moment of my CSU career, this time able to celebrate with several thousand of my closest friends, chanting "I'm Proud...To Be...A CSU RAM!" while stomping on our rivals logo.

I'd say that was a fitting ending to the story, but Fum just does a better job.

Take it away;

I'll sing you a song of college days And tell you where to go Aggie's where your knowledge is Boulder spends your dough.
CC for your sissy boys And Utah for your times DU for your ministers For drunkards, School of Mines.
Don't send my boy to Wyoming U A dying mother said Don't send him to old Brigham Young I'd rather see him dead.
But send him to our Aggies It's better than Cornell
Before I'd see him in Boulder I'd see my son in hell!

Tomorrow I bring the hate. That raw hate. That hatred that the Columbians rub on their gums.  That sushi hatred. Get it? All right!

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 2, Episode 5

Our story picks up with your humble heroes spread about Miami, apparently all at different clubs while Ron and Sam are teetering on the relationship edge. Or, exactly like the last 3 episodes...

-Apparently it is gayfest week in Miami, so J-Woww and Snicole decide they want to dance with some shirtless fags. Sadly, MVP isn't around, so they meet up with some random gay dudes to really have some fun.

(ASIDE: If you ask a guy what an awful night would entail they would probably say being stuck in a room with thousands of attractive single girls who dance with you, flirt with you, but have absolutely no interest in fucking you. If you flip the genders in that scenario, you have the "best night of the year" for girls. I do not understand bitches.)

{Even further ASIDE: Has anyone ever met a straight dude named Rudy? I mean the most famous Rudy right now is actually named Rudy Gay. And the movie Rudy is about some twink who sucks}

-Emilio actually gets mad about his girlfriend dancing with gay dudes. Jeeeeallllllloooouuuuussss, much? /gay voice

-MVP "spontaneously" ends up in a "Situation" where they have too many girls and too little dick. And one is supposedly a Grenade. Which one? I have no idea. I guess up close the boys could tell which of them were plastic and which one would "explode all over Ronnie's room." Really sad he wasn't there as well, as it would have been great to kill two birds with one grenade.

(Personal ASIDE: I have never had a problem with grenades because I have standards [or lack of game /self burn] and my friends love fatties)

Also, is it really a surprise to anyone that these guys finally get laid during Gay Fest?

-Some staged Angelina and Mikey drama leads to her being "excluded from dinner," but then they reconcile during a commercial break or something. Then no one ruins grace. So disapointing.

-"That's the word of the day: Sympathetic. That's a big word." -SNOOOKKKERRRS

-Sam finds the letter.

-Whole bunch of drama.

-"Wisely" is used in the letter, so Ron knows Snook-a-loop couldn't be involved. Because Ron isn't an idiot...besides that whole idea that he wouldn't be caught cheating while having a TV crew tape his every move.

-The Situation's cackling reaction to the situation is so awesome in this situation. It appears Sam and Ron are in quite the situation. Snooki would prefer we call it a pickle.

-"If it's on paper, it's true." I wrote that Mike was gay earlier. Now I'm printing it out anonymously. Gotta be true, I guess.

-"If they end up back together she looks like the dumbest bitch." She (Sam-man) is already pretty far ahead of the competition in that race.

Next Week: Sammy will hook up with a black dude. Ron will have a three-way with some freaky foreign bitches. Pauly will actually factor in the show. Vinny and Pauly D will actually do something entertaining.

Oh, wait. That is what should happen. Instead, Ron and Sam will fight. And the Situation will spit really contrived catchphrases. At least the J-Woww-Sammy rumble should take place, but if I know MTV (and I do), that will be at the DRAMATIC CONCLUSION of the episode.


In other news, FOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTBBBBBBAAAAALLLLLLL is almost here. Get ready for my CSU preview, Broncos preview, and for me to spit hatred at any team/person that dares try to defeat my favorite teams.

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 2, Episode 4

The thing I find most amazing about this show...that a whole episode can pass and not a thing changes, yet I still fucking love it.

Seriously, all the comments in this episode put it on notice as a possible classic. AND NO ONE EVEN PUNCHED ANYONE YET!!!!

We pick up with Rambo (Ronnie & Little Bitchie Sambo) fighting and the Boys at the club. As opposed to, I dunno, every other episode, which begins with the Boys at a club and Rambo fighting. Also, Snooki and J-Wizzow have returned from their dinner date, in which they have decided they should tell Sam about Ronald's' cheating ways, but they don't actually wish to tell her.

-Snook-a-look calls Gorilla Juicehead Emilio at like 4AM to catch up. Apparently he is a little cocked: "There's half-naked girls everywhere. Whatever. Bye. Peace. Fuck you."

What a charmer. Ronnie should take notes. (Foreshadowing: It appears he was.)

Snooks responds: "This is why the lesbian rate in America is going up." I did not know this was a fact. Welp, the more you know.

Then she calls the house "a big ball of fuckness." I think it's fuckness. Stupid MTV editing, but Imma use that word phrase. "Your face is a big ball of fuckness."

-Sam, evidently oblivious to Snooki's lifechanging events get-out-of-jail-free-for-fucking-other-dudes card, decides to make the situation all about herself. "Is Ron doing that to me?" If blank stares and shrugged shoulders are your only answer, the answer is yes.

-Emilio calls back. Really, he should be on the next season. His retardation makes drunken Ronnie look like a Harvard grad. Telling your girlfiend you fucked another chick twice then saying "LOL ROFLCOPTER I WUZ MAKING THA FUNNY" is on par with declaring Mission Accomplished in Iraq and actually having said war end 7 FUCKING YEARS LATER /current events jokes because we just pulled out of Iraq. You know who else should have pulled out? All of these people's parents.

Snicky response: "Go fuck yourself and die." Well done. Hey Sammy, write that down and use it for Ron.

-Emilio keeps up the entertainment by calling back, wondering if J-Wow's proclamation that she will fly to NJ and beat his ass is a "voicemail." This is Kenneth on 30 Rock level dumb, (Aside: 2nd quote of that clip might be the best ever. The alcohol/whitey one) except his person is allegedly real.

-Next time I break up I'm having J-Wow do it for me.* She just rips Emilio to shreds. On the BS Report they discuss how she could be a great pro wrestler, but I think she would be better served to start a phone message break-up service.

*This based on the assumption that I ever actually break-up with anyone instead of just avoiding them at all costs until they give up.**


**Unless, you know, they move home in shame in order to rectify whatever mistakes led them into my life.

-Ron: "I don't like tests, that is why I didn't go to college."

-After Samantha tells him to go fuck himself, Ronald McD: "I fuck myself every day I'm with you." BUUUUU-uuuu-UUUU-RRRR-NNNN.

Add this to their, "I'm not staying home like a bitch." "You are a bitch," exchange and Ron-Ron is just killing her.

-Angelina (who I may or may not have referred to as Angelica about 20 times in this blog, not a good sign for her Q-Rating), wears out her "trash bag outfit."

"I think Victoria should have kept that a secret." -Vincent, who is delivering the one-liners this year, but I need him to deliver more creeping. Where is the Situation's sister to spice shit up? And where the fuck is the Situation? Having a bigger sophomore slump than Eddie Royal (His only highlight is ruining dinner, which is much weaker than ruining grace) [Notice that I finally related this show to sports].

-Situation: "(Sammy) isn't that stupid..." to notice that everyone is awkward when they are discussing the biggest cheater in the house (AKA Ron). Actually, based on her behavior, she might just be that fucking stupid.

-J-Wow's tits should have their own intro to the show. Those babies are stars. Stars that wish to go separate ways like Stuart Scott's eyes.

-That isn't the first time someone has farted in Snooki's mouth, just guessing.

-"We'll write an anonymous letter. No one will put 2 and 2 together." Until they fucking watch the MOTHERFUCKING SHOW! This will be televised. You are aware of this. God damn, MTV, quit scripting stupid shit. These people are fucking morons, just let them do their own stupid shit.


I can't beleive there are still Internet Cafes (Why is spell check telling me there is no plural of Cafe? WTF. Sorry I don't know how to type goofy Surrender Monkey accents). Who goes to those anymore? Perverts and Europeans? Wait, same thing. IF you can't afford the Internet anymore you aren't smart enough to deserve to use it. That should be a rule.

-Vinny, atop the club: "I am Caesar!"  BEST. LINE. EVER. I am using that whenever I go out. This may even surpass "I can't feel my face." I just need a clever hand gesture.

-Somewhere in her Ron leaves in a cab while Sammy runs back. Blablabla this wasted about 10 of the total 30 minutes of action during this episode.

-Vin: "I don't want girls who who are studying for finals, I want girls who are studying for dick." Ah, Vin, you missed out on the obvious "But I do want girls that have plenty of brains like they studied at Cambridge." /Lil' Wayne joke.

-Holy shit, I tried to avoid writing about it as much as possible, but can Rambo just break up. Seriously, Sammy gives Ron more chances to come back than the Cleveland Browns gave John Elway. WHOOOOOO! (Cue: Pucak family in Greater Cleveland Area cutting me out of family tree).


-Then I kinda got drunk and stopped noting what happened. Then I accidentaly deleted the episode. Don't think much else happened. Something with Angelina trying to weasel out of the letter (ALERT: FORSHADOWING) and then I'm pretty sure they end up at a club while Rambo was fighting.

NEXT WEEK: The "anonymous" letter gets delivered, Rambo fight, Mike and Pauly try to remain relevant by bringing multiple groups of girls back to the house, proving yet again how terrible at "Smooshing" they are (said by someone who is pretty bad at it himself, but I don't have a fucking TV crew and MTV CC to help me out).

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 2, Episode 3

Guess what? I skipped blogging last week's episode. Because it was relatively weak (and I was well on my way to blacking out when I watched. And because I actually had friends and a couple nights off work so I gelled my hair up and did my own Shore thang). But mostly because it was a wizzeak episode.

But this week had some redeaming entertaining segments, so I locked in to watch.

All we missed last week was Ronnie/Sam domestic intranquility and the Guidos getting the world's gayest job. Gelatto. How much stereotypical could we get? Why not get them a job at a place where they are interesting to watch, like, I dunno, a club? Or no job at all, since that is exactly what these fucktans are trained for.

Oh, and Angelina was a bitch. Shhhhhoooooooockkkkkkkkerrrr /gay voice

-We pick up with a really steamed Pauly D screaming at a blacked-out Angelina. Foolishly they have woken the slumbering monstrosity that is the J-Woww. Somehow, disappointingly, everyone escaped alive.


-Angelina: "Can I like get a "Get out of jail free card?'" No, honey, blacking out doesn't give you immunity. I've tried that defense, but it doesn't hold up in court. Fucking uptight judges.

-Vincenzo, the Sicilian WOP: "If someone can cut a black person's hair then they can usually cut mine." You know why? Well, I'll just let Dennis Hopper explain: "Let me get this egg off my face."

-Vincenzenino: "She's got the Old Snook Look. Kinda makes me hot." Snookers: "You trying to smush right now?" Pauly D: (Bug eyes) "Ummmm, who knows?" First class theater right there.

-Vincente: "Jenny's tits definetly defy gravity. I think Albert Einstien should come back and rewrite this laws of physics around Jenny's tits."

Newton did more of the work with physics, dawg. Einstein Relativity. But neither can explain J-Woww's boobs staying afloat like that.

-Ronald does the "I Can't Feel My Face." is there a more appropriate dance for Ron to do in a club in M-I-YAYO?

Aside: God dammit, I was so on that wayyyy before everyone. Example 4,000 of me being way ahead of my time. Same with "No Homo." Ask Sailor about our blacked out Jeeping trip freshman year. Ahem, no homo.

Also, how can they not figure out what is going on with Ron. "Gee, derderder, Ron goes out to the clubs, drinks and become a different human. He chugs champagne, vodka and dances like a maniac. He is crazy happy. I don't get it?" Maybe some hardcore drugs mixed with massive overcompensation for being a bitch in season one?

-Best part of the club scene is when Pauly D just picks Ron up like a child and carries him out. I bet Ronnie is so small he doesn't even come up to my hanging nutsack.

-Vin: "I need companionship." Snooks: "Like a dog?" V: "Yes."  Seconds pass...
Snookie: "Wanna fuck?" Vinny: "Sure." Mr. Roooo-Roooo-Mantic.

Really sad they didn't smooooossshhh.

-Team MVP (named because, much like Kobe in the finals, these guys shoot about 6/24 in the clutch /Simmons joke) has a clever "plan" to ditch Angie- sprint away when she turns her head. Tricky.

-The whole grenade scene is retarded. Why go through all the work to bring the girls back just to run them off. At that point, just bust your N and then give 'em the heave-ho.

Why now get all picky? I have never seen these guys hook up with any girls that aren't grenades. I mean, really. I'm racking my brain and I can't really remember any hot girls. Them being charter members of the "Grenade Free Foundation" is like a mosque being build on ground zero Al-Queda being a charter member of the United Nations.

-On the BS Report Jack-O likened Ron-n-Sam to OJ and Nicole. Pretty apt comparison. So the real question is, which lucky guy gets to play the role of the waiter? Kato is still looking for a job.

Next Week: Rambo/Sambo drama hour continues. I shoot myself as MTV wastes another episode on those twats. MORE DRINKY-DRINKY, LESS TALKY-TALKY, allright?

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 2, Episode 1

Father, forgive me, for it has been six fucking months since I last recapped a Jersey Shore Episode. Where has the time gone? There are tiny, 180-day old Guidos who haven't been able to read my snarky comments about drunken assholes I wish to emulate. Speaking of which, I am way more excited for the cast of Jersey Shore to tear up South Beach instead of LeBron Pippen and the Dwayne Wade All-Stars.

Amazingly, for all the fame that these Guids had, their 15 minutes may well be on the way out. Can season 2 capture the magic, the mystique, the herpes that season 1 contained? Will Miami feature as many whorey, whores as the Jer-Z Shore? (I say yes) Will the drama overtake the fun? Will RON-Ron kill someone? TUNE THE FUCK IN AND FIND OUT, FAGGLES!

My reason to blog (and therefore live) has returned. Hoooooo-ray!*

*Especially true because the Rockies blow ass right now.

World Cup Finale: Oranges vs. Tapas

After a month of futbol the world's biggest event finally comes to a close with a matchup of two awesome nations competing to take home their first World Cup Final. Both countries have always boosted plenty of talented teams, but neither have ever owned the soccer world. Both have been Euro champs, but tomorrow one of these nations will experience the ecstasy that comes with winning a World Cup. You know I am cheering for Espana (even though they are doing my boy Torres dirty), so I'll spare you a long-winded breakdown, but simply you can't cheer for the freaky-high Dutch. Unless you want a bj. (Shit, I might just cheer for Holland now.)

Anyway, I just wanted to take a quick look back at the highs and lows of the World Cup, from my perspective:

Yay: To the fucking Unites States. We advanced, something we needed to do. But it was the way we advanced that made the most difference. We were the most exciting team in the tournament. Drawing with the Englanders was huge for shit-talking purposes, those limey Bitches and got shit on us now. The Slovenia tie was thrilling and the anger over the disallowed goal showed just how invested the US was in this tournament. And then, just when all seemed lost, Donovan scored the biggest goal in US soccer history. FTMFW.

This was the first tournament where it was safe to say that the US was the better team in every match. Even against Ghana, we dominated possesion and in chances, we just didn't finish enough and...

Nay: To Central Defenders. Gooch, Demerit and Bocanegra were the weak spot in the US lineup and it was their inability to mark opposing strikers that forced the US to play from behind almost the entire tournament. A lot has been made of the missed chances by our forwards, but at least they were creating opportunities. Our defense was rarely tested and failed miserably almost every time we were. It is hard to blame Gooch too much since he was coming off injury and frustrating to think what could have been if he was healthy.

Yay: New Blood. Thankfully the Superpowers of the sport bowed out early. We have new blood in the final and a reclamation of past glory for Uruguay. No Brazil, no France, no Italy. Thank god. The most exciting games of the tourney involved were won in order by the US, Ghana and Uruguay. And that was supposed to be the weak side of the knock-out draw.

Nay: To non-stop Vuvuzela jokes. Jesus, we get it. They sound like bees. Now shut the fuck up and report on soccer. I don't care, the buzzing of the Vuvu is unique to South Africa and not even that obtrusive. Maybe if you were actually at the stadium, but on TV it was really weak. And it pissed off Rick Rielly, and anything that pisses off that cocksack is good with me.

Yay: Hidden stars. Diego Forlan, Michael Bradley, Sniejder and Gyan were the breakout stars of the cup. You could even toss in David Villa, since he is outshined by Torres. They played their best ball on the biggest stage, while a collection of stars shrunk like Mark McGwire's balls in the 90s.

Nay: To the flameouts. Rooney, Ronaldo, Drogba, Kaka, Ribery, (sadly, Torres) etc. So many big names pulled no-shows in this tourney. Proving that basing my predictions soley off of FIFA ranking is sometimes inaccurate.

Yay: To me. I said I was gonna post a lot about this tournament and for the most part I followed through. For once in my life. And, the two teams I cheered for (US & Spain) both had great success.

Nay: To my German friends. I watched almost every match with them and man were they pissed when Germany lost. You ever see a pissed off German? They all suddenly start looking a lot like Hitler. And they get really pissed when you bring up other famous German defeats, like those in WWI and WWII.

Yay: To the fact that I got drunk in the morning at least 15 times in the last month. Almost a personal record.

Nay: To the fact that I have to wait a whole month for the Premier League (and Bundesliga) to begin. At least the next month should be rife with transfers (and Rockies walk-offs).

Yay: To hot Spanish/Dutch girls celebrating tomorrow. (Need a buddy to celebrate with?)

Yay: To hot Spanish/Dutch girls crying tomorrow. (Need a shoulder to cry on?)

Either way, tomorrow should be good.

World Cup Semifinals Preview: Spain vs. Germany

Cheer for Spain. You are not a Nazi fuckhole, right?

World Cup Semifinals Preview: Netherlands vs. Uruguay

The Orange vs. the Sky Blue. That will look beautiful on your tv. Not mine, because my TV is tiny, but on those high def thingymawhoos. The Guays advanced in the most dramatic fashion in their previous match as the Ghanarians chocked away the match. Not to be outdone, the freaky, deakey Dutch came back from a halftime deficit to wax the beautiful Brazilians. Winner gets slaughtered by the Spanish or Nazis.

Why to root for Neverland? Think the Saints celebration of the Super Bowl was booze filled and wild? Well the drug-fueled orgies in Amsterdam would blow that. And suck it. Dry.

-Also, it is very impressive that the Dutch have come so far in this tournament while wearing wooden cleats. No wonder Sneijder gets so much power on those shots, ya.

-They like cheese. I like cheese too. And I like waffles. And Belgium beer. Like Fat Tire and 1554

-Fuck, the Dutch are pretty schweet.

-Bonus, when you look up famous dutch people at least 5 of the actors on the Wiki list are porn stars. See, stereotypes are true, the Dutch like VANDERSEXXX!


Why not to root for the Netherworlders? They let Hitler kill all the jews, including hide and seek all-star Anne Frank. Poor form.

-Jordan Van Der Sloot.



-Windmills also fucking blow.


Why to root for Uruguay? They have about as many people in their country as Colorado does, 3.4 million.

-Diego Forlan's beautiful flowing locks.

-The fact that Luis Saurez made the save of the World Cup.


Why root against Uruguay? You hate Mexicans, and they remind you of Mexicans.

-They tend to play pretty conservative and rarely play in high-scoring contests.

-If I can't find it on a map, I'm not a fan.

-Just the name of the country alone seems to insult me. I am not a Gay!


Who is Sack rooting for? I support the Guays. Forlan!

How To Improve The World Cup

I was in Ohio for a memorial service/massive amounts of Miller Light/Bud Light consumption for the past week, so I'm sorry that I couldn't post my World Cup recaps/previews. Really, it was probably a blessing in disguise since whatever horrible things I would have written in the moments following US are better left out of print. Since we have a couple of days off from the Copa and no more Merica to support, allow me to suggest some ways soccer can improve the game specifically to help engage a US audience.

First off, the US can't use rules in our leagues that make mockeries of the rules used in the rest of the world. The MLS-style shootout should teach us that, along with the way every American fan mocks Canadian football (rouge, seriously, gtfo). Still, there are many ways that futbol can be improved to help me and every American wnjoy it more. Some are simple rule tweaks that would affect every level of play a bit, while others would just take place in the top-level competitions.

Punish Dives More Fiercely: If a ref feels a player took a dive, give him a yellow. If he misses the call and it is obvious from video there was a dive, retroactively give yellow cards and/or suspend players. Right now there is really no punishment for "embellishment" so players just fall down as soon as they get in the box. They will still do it, but the threat of punishment should start to deter this crap.

If you need a stretcher, you sit: For at least 10 minutes. If you can make it off in under 30 seconds you can enter at the next dead ball. If you actually can't walk the 30 meters to the side/end line then you are too injured to continue playing and you must be checked out. 10 minutes later you can sub in again. Ghanaians wouldn't be rolling around on the ground for minutes at a time if they knew they would be shorthanded, you can bet they would play through the pain. Punch of flopping pussies.

Replay: You get one challenge per game. Only in actual World Cup games. You win it, you get another, you lose, no more challenges, so use them wisely. You can challenge offside, ball over the line or a dive in the box, BUT any call must face overwhelming evidence to overturn. Especially on the dives. If there is any contact, it stands, but this should take care of the times no one touches a player and they flounder like bitches.

This won't cripple the flow of the game any more than the constant injuries, that I just eliminated. Play will continue until the next stoppage, whereupon the replay will take place. If the call is overturned the game will revert back. Basically do this like hockey.

No PKS, play until you die: Sorry, but ending a World Cup w/ PKs is just weak. Like ending a football game with a FG kicking competition (oh wait, that is basically what we do, maybe football isn't God's gift to sports). Just keep playing until someone wins after 30 minutes. Maybe allow one substitution after 120 minutes and every 30 after. Think of the epic games that could result.

Add two more refs: For World Cup games at least, add two more refs, even if there sole job is just to watch each of the goal lines. I would prefer they assist the ref in making all calls, as there is no way that one guy can watch all 22 players. Pretty fucking simple change that would help everyone.

More defined system of stoppage time: Take the clock away from the ref and have someone actually counting the seconds wasted by argumentation and injuries. I'm sorry, but adding on just a minute or two for all the Ghanaian timewasting was pretty weak. Stop rewarding bullshit behavior. If someone wastes time, put it back on.

Make an American Striker who can score: Fucking Jozy and Findley blew so many chances in this tournament it makes me sick.