Weekend Sack-Up: Bandwagoning

So, this weekend was pretty ridiculous. CSU was good, Denver was horrible again and Halloween was too much fun/pain. Alas, I survived with minor damage to my liver and major damage to my already crippled wallet (both metaphorically and in reality).

We will start with the good, CSU: We beat up on another bad team, and it is refreshing to find out that there are 2 teams much worse than us. If we can run the ball, we are a good team. If we can't, and we become one-dimensional, we are really bad. It doesn't hurt that our schedule has featured two of the top 6 teams in the nation.

It was great to see Leonard Mason let out the beast, hopefully he comes on like Triplesticks (Gartrell Johnson) did during the CSU stretch runs in 2008. We still have a shot at bowl elgibility, but the biggest test will come this weekend in San Diego (hey, I live there) as CSU attempts to give me a birthday W, something they failed miserably at last year.

Myself and around 30 of my closest Rammies will be commandeering a party bus and raging all day long for the 7pm game. I cannot wait for this, as we might be the drunkest collection of humans on the planet.

So tune in next weekend, or better yet, come join me in the flesh at Qualcomm and let's dooooooo thiiiisss.


Broncos: This season is over. Orton can't make key plays, bumbles around too much, our defense gets gashed by shitty teams and we made Troy Smith look like he was back at OSU tearing up Akron. Not cool.

I am officially on the Tebow bandwagon, because we might as well make this season interesting if we are going to suck donkey nuts.

Also, I am officially jumping on the Texans bandwagon (so beware, it will probably crash and burn, knowing my sports luck recently) but for the rest of the year they are my numero 1 team, for a number of reason:

-The fact that they are the 2nd largest employer of CSU graduates in the world (No. 1? John Deere. Don't beleive me? You shouldn't, I made that up because of the colors. I think No. 1 is probably CSU). Anderson, Dreessen, Briesel, Smith, Nading, Pemberton, plus Lil' Kubes all get paid NFL dollars to play/coach in the Lone Star State.

-My fantasy team consists of Arian Nation Foster, Matty Shaub, Andre Johnson and Neil Rackers. So basically, as Houston's offense goes, so goes my squad. Not the best of plans, but it is working better than Denver's plan.

-How awesome would it be to see them win a Super Bowl in Dallas' uber-stadium?

-They play almost like the old Broncos, with the zone blocking scheme and play-action passing attack. "Loves it." /gay robot voice

-I love Houston hip-hop. Gotta rep that Cham, that Bun, them Geto Boys, uhhhhh. "Chunk ya deuce UP"

Ohhhhh yeaahhhh. For the rest of the 2010-11 season I'll be jocking the Texans.

Avalanches: Chris Stewart thinks that Leonard Mason's Beast is weak. Chris Stewart isn't just beastin', he is in Beast Mode (No Marshawn Lynch). The man is 2nd in the NHL in points and goals, and if you look at him wrong, he isn't shy to throw you a whooping for thinking stupid childish thoughts.

The Avs are fun to watch, and if they can figure out what defense is, they are going to be really fun to watch.

Though I don't like Andy being injured, I do love Boods and hope he comes through for us. Never know when you'll need that No. 2 goaltender. Look at Chicago last year.

Nuggies: More fun to watch than I anticipated, but it is almost like getting some pussy from your girlfriend while you know she is thinking about this big black cock that she is anxious to jump onto. Yup, I just called Melo a whore and New York City man meat. I think it fits nicely.

Halloween (akak 
 Things I achieved while dressed as a dinosaur):

-Bit the head off of every attractive girl who walked by. Never once did this go wrong, shockingly.

-Bit the head of anyone who was annoying me, announced them dead and walked off.

-Whilst biting people with my Rex mouth, every time I still opened my mouth as if I was controlling the foam mouth. I am special.

-Tried to break-up an engagement by hooking up with the fiancée and was doing very well until cock-blocked by a German. I'll forgive you guys for the Holocaust, but this is unacceptable. See your asses in WWIII

-Post c-block, I proceeded to transfer from fun-loving Rex into Bitter Brontosaurs. My lovely sister tells me that as she was trying to say her goodbyes to give me a ride home, a person dressed as Tigger approached me. This was our exchange, while leaning over the VIP balcony:

Tigger: "Yo man, what are you? A dinosaur or a gator?"
Me: "I'm dressed as a guy who throws Tiggers off of balconies."
Sister: "Allright, time to go."

 -Thought I lost my keys when instead I made the conscious decision to leave them at a friends house so as not to lose them.

-Thought I lost my "wallet," which at this point of the night was a Ziplock with credit cards and $2, at some afterparty at 4:30am, only to find said baggy was down by my ankle, trapped by the magical elastic sweatpants cuffs.

-Spilled a girls drink at the afterparty and then told her to fuck off because if I wasn't allowed to drink at said afterparty neither was she. Who says chivalry is dead?

Welp, that concludes this week's installment of the Sack-Up. Join me later this week for SDSU pregaming analysis, post-pregaming wrap-up and wallowing in sadness without Jersey Shore /tear.

A List of Things I Hate About CU

I started with the idea to do a list of things that I hated more than that university in Boulder that supposedly reps Colorado, but it was pretty short.

Like Cody Hawkins short.

It included started with cancer and gang rapes, but then I realized those things actually do have a lot to do with CU, so I gave up. But there are a whole lotta things I hate about CU, so let's explore them.




50 Reasons Why I Hate CU: (some of these numbers will correspond, some will be random. Why? Because my hatred flows out of me in this order and I refuse to censor it. I was going for 100, but that is a lot of hate).

1. Because it exists.

2. Because they think they are better than me. I hate anyone who acts like they are better than me. Nothing pisses me off more. And if there is one place that just oozes smug superiority, it is Boulder. Why do they think they are better than Colorado State? I don't really know.

3: "If you can't go to college, go to state:" Alert! We are both universities. This might make sense if you were Colorado College.

4: Hippies: I don't mind people who are real hippies, that live off by themselves in a commune and don't bother me. Fake-ass Boulder hippies that wear leather sandals, love Dave Matthews and only care about getting high piss me off to no end.

5. Fifth Downs: Shouldn't happen.


6: Folsom Field: Props for having it right on campus, but the giant parking lot at Hughes is a much better tailgating atmosphere, even though it is more difficult to reach. Boulder is too segmented.


7: Cody Hawkins: The fact that this tiny little chode beat us twice is depressing to no end, but I do owe him some props due to the fact he has been instrumental in his dad's inability to field a good football team.

8. Pearl Street: Ain't got shit on Old Town.

9. Katie Hnida: Speaking of jersey chasing sluts... Barney was right, she was fucking terrible.



10. Brad Jones: What a fucking idiot. No, seriously. If he really can't learn the name of Kory Sperry, a guy who scored about 10 TDs in his career vs. Jones and CU, he is mentally on par Forrest Gump. Or a genius as far as CU players go. (Midway down in this article you can read his tardlike comments. I don't reccomend it).

11. RTD: Gary Barnett's plan to Return CU to Dominance. Or, the bus CU players now have to take, due to the fact that there education was worthless.


12. Slick Rick: At least his sleazy reign was entertaining. Barnett's was just sleaze. Hawkins, just retarded.


13. Intramurals: Cody should go play them, brother!


14. James Cox: Because the ex-CU backup QB once challenged me to a fight over Facebook. Just because I created a fake Gary Barnett page and told my players to get more rapey.


15.Bison: Your mascot is a bison. Buffalo don't exist in America. But keep trying.



16: Mason Crosby: What a fucking dick this guy was. I mean, his game-winning kicks were one thing, but then he had the audacity to date, cheat on, and then eventually marry one of the prettiest, nicest girls that I have ever met. I hope he slips tomorrow on a banana peel and his ACL tears into a million pieces right now. Or gets hit by truck.


17. Lawrence Vickers: We once had a moment before a game. He gestured at me for making fun of Dusty Sprague. I called him a rapist. He stared me down. I challenged him to a fight. I'm very glad he turned me down.


18. Number of players on the 1987 roster were arrested. 65 were contacted by police. Speak it Sports Illustrated:

Since February 1986 at least two dozen Buffalo players have been arrested, for everything from trespassing to serial rape.

Classy. Proving that CU's pattern of dickhead players was not a new phenomena under Barnett, Nueheisel or Hawkins. In order to be good, the Buffs recruit thugs.

That, or the city of Boulder just hates football players (read; black people).


19. Ralphie: She is a bitch. I can't wait until the day she runs over a CU player. God I hope it's Hawkins Jr.

20: CSU total number of wins: CU fans always claim they are better historically than CSU, pointing toward their 20-59-2 record against CSU. Which is pretty dominant. But CU won 14 of those games before CSU even won a single game in the series (in 1912) and  then 12 straight from 1934-1947, a time when Harry Hughes refused to recruit and offer scholarships to players, beleiving in the purity of amateur sport. CU won 36 games against CU before 1947, while the Rams only won 10. Since, CU holds a 23-10 record over the Rams. Still pretty good, but it overlooks the fact that CU and CSU didn't play for 25 years after 1958, so CU missed playing some of CU's worst squads with some of the better CSU teams.



21. Rae Carruth


22. Volleyball: We own you guys at volleyball. 22-11. Should be more but you always try not to play us.


23. The 70-3 score vs. Texas in 2005. I visited your school that night to party. I kept telling a funny joke. It went:

Me: Wanna hear a funny joke?
CU Person: Okay.
Me: 70-3. Hahahahah.

Hugh Charles really didn't find that joke funny.


24. CU: It is University of Colorado. Way to copy retarded ass Kansas and Oklahoma.


25. Bitching out. 1958 is when you chicken out from the rivalry. We beat you 15-1. It took you 25 years to get over that loss and play us again.


26. The Big XII: You loved to brag about the Big XII so much, until Texas and Oklahoma continually beat your asses, then you bailed.


27. The Pac 10: Enjoy being USC's bitch, even while they are on probation.


28. Nebraska: Trying to make them a big rivalry is a joke. Now they are gone, which means...


29. Utah: You can try to force a rivalry with them. Enjoy. By the way, they will always hate BYU more than you.


30. Super Bowl: So it looks like the rivalry with CSU will become YOUR Super Bowl.


31. Wyoming: They really don't factor into my hatred of CU, but I actually hate them more. CU vs. CSU is a showdown. CSU vs. Wyoming is a fucking war.


32. Dusty Sprague: He is a straight bitch who got fucked up by one Robert Herbert. And he also married one of my old friends. Proving that girls that go to CU are just jersey chasing sluts.


33. Phantom Clips: Only thing worse on that play than the retarded ref, your retarded coaches who punted to the Rocket with a minute remaining.


34: Phantom PI: Called against Joey Rucks in 2006 on a 4th down pass that landed out of bounds allowed CU to win 31-28 in OT. Still makes me sick to my stomach.


35. Tear Gas: If you guys didn't suck so much in 1999, CSU fans wouldn't have been so rowdy and the Denver Po-Po might not have had their moment in the sun.


36. Rushing the Field: Every fucking time you win, in the last five years. It is only cool when we rush your field. Or you beat a top-10 team. But Texas Tech and Iowa State. You probably would have rushed had you beat Montana State. But you didn't.


37. Security Guards: Who tried to strip the football I smuggled into your stadium from my while I ran all over your field last year. Dicks.


38. Bill McCartney: Annoucing his retirement the day of Salaam's 2,000 yard milestone is one of the dickest moves of all-time by a coach. Lane Kiffin thinks that is egotistical.


39. Promise Keepers: The same guy who started the Promise Keepers had a daughter who got preggos by two of his players. Maybe fix your own own house before telling the world how to fix their's.


40. Dan Hawkins: We're back proclamation in 2006 really echoed Dubya's "Mission Accomplished" speach in Iraq.


41. Hostages: After the 2004 loss I stayed with friends in Boulder afterwards. They pretended I was a hostage and displayed me to their friends. If CSU won my friend was supposed to come to Fort Collins and repay the favor. He pussed out. So I desecrated his homemade bar with a giant "CSU 14-10" tag in sharpie.


42. Williams Village: The most ghetto dorm in America.


43. Scotty McKnight: Crazy old Scotty got kicked out of school for threatening to shit on and kill his teacher (or something similar). Bumblefuck Hawkins feels he is a great kid.


44. Marc Sanchez: Like I needed another reason to hate CU, but we had this assclown showing up last year. Shouldn't the fact that he is a friend of Scotty's rule him ineligible? It's all right though, because I'm sure "Scotty doesn't know, where the fuck he is, because Blu just knocked his ass out cold. He thought he caught a pass, now he's on his ass, and refs just said 'It's a fumble.' Scotty doesn't know..."

What kind of grown man calls himself Scotty anyway?

45. Ward Churchill: You ain't even Indian Native American, brother.

46. Chip: Your cartoon mascot is literally named after excrement. What a piece of shit.


47.  Jeremy Bloom: You should not have gone to CU, you should have come to your home. Most of us have watched you since birth, thanks to your dad's class. Sonny really fucked this up. Fuck you for rubbing it in our face.


48: Fum and his boys roll into town and beat you 29-25 in 1948. He comes up with a great song to help relish the victory. He also wore 48. Yup, he taught me to hate CU-Boulder.


49. Rape: I don't like it. Your team tends to enjoy it. This is a problem for me.

50. Again, just the fact that CU exists.

Bonus :The mythical national championship: CU fans love to talk about their ill-gotten NC in 1990 like it makes them worlds better than CSU, like it validates them as a college superpower. And yes, from about 1988-1994 CU was one of the best teams in the nation. Good for you. Other than that run, and a brief surge in 2001, you haven't been shit (and what happened to that 2001 team when it started the season ranked sixth? Oh yes, CSU and MR. BVP spiked them 19-14).

But that 1990 NC is arguably the weakest in college football history. I mean, look at the facts:

-Georgia Tech finished 11-0-1. CU finished 11-1-1. True CU played a harder schedule, but undefeated is undefeated. The AP called CU champs, the UPI called GT champs.
-They tied Tennessee 31-31, with Tennessee getting inside the CU 20 on the last play of the game.
-Lost to #25 Illinois.
-CU barely beat a 5-6 Stanford team, scoring with just seconds left on a very close call (Denny Green still doesn't believe he scored). Stanford later lost to mighty San Jose State.
-CU was a very questionable (some would say phantom) clip call from losing to Notre Dame as the Rocket was ten yards clear of everyone when a block in the back was called.
-CU should have lost to Missouri, again getting a generous spot from the refs on a touchdown on the last play of the game. It was pretty close. Oh, and CU had the fortune of that whole fifth-down thing right before.

When you bring this up to CU fans, they say "So, at least we were good enough to have an oppurtunity to get lucky and win a championship. When has CSU ever been that good?"

How about 2000, when we lost by 3 points on the road in 110+ heat at Arizona State and by 4 points in a blizzard at Air Force. If the refs gave us a couple favorable calls, you could just call us national champs.

So, to summarize, that is 50 reasons why I hate CU. I'm sure you have more to add, so feel free.

Before I'd see my son in Boulder, I'd see my son in hell.