Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 4, Episode 4

We last left the Guido Guild in the midst of chaos...D-Na was pulling bitches from the Situation and right out of Vinny's bed, Mike was getting menage-a-blocked whilst getting into a row with Snookers and Ronni & Sammi were dancing the same exact tango as the last three seasons. Tonight, shit almost gets real before the cameras cut out and we have to wait a week to see Situation get crippled.

-"I am an individual." -Lesbi-twin, screaming at Mikey. We don't know this girl's name, but we do know she went down on two JS cast members, so we are now aware that her super-STD is individually named, at least.


-"Me and Deeena tag teamed a girl." Vinny, speaking on the most disappointing Royal Rumble EVAR!

-"My guy, Unit, was banging Ryder, and Snooki got all turned on and started sucking my dick." -Situation. That sentence is beautifully awful.

-Nice fucking hat J-Woww, glad you are making an impact on this show.

-Humetron Don notes that they will resolve all of this drama soon and declare they have never been as close as a family. A family from fucking Bumfucking Temps, Louisiana...that has been incestuously breeding for centuries.

-"At least the carpets are clean today." -Vinny (carpets get munched, but whatevs).

"Lez-be-honest." -Pauly. Then after a little more fun, D-Na, the guy's girl, dissolves into tears at how mean those boys are being... (commercial break) everything is sunshiney. If only Rambo were this efficient in their bickering.

-Snooki tells GeeAnnnee about Mike's assertions, and maturely he realizes Mikey is a lying douche. Not that I trust Snooks, but at least this understanding leads to a great exchange:

"Let's have babies!" -Snook.

"Are you out of your fucking mind?" Ge-An-Knee.

"Fuck yeah." -Snicks.

Good work.

P.S. These folks are sterilized right. We had to agree with that in order to export them, right?

-"Whatever you do, don't take advice from Sammi." -Vinny, BOOM!

-"Keep your nose out of my relationship." -Ron.

"Why don't you keep your relationship out of my nose." -What J-Dubs should have responded. But she doesn't because she is useless on this show.

-"I have my peri-oso." -Deena to the BOSSMAN, in an effort to cover her and Snooks drunkeness.

-"Bring your clothes and your dick." -Snooks advice to Gianni. This leads to her and J-Woww discussing cock molds, and then doing some dickswinging for their boyfriends, offering to compare which steroid sausage is shriveled more.

-If Plan B isn't the abortion pill, according to the Plan B advertisements, then what is this elusive abortion pill...because that would be PLAN A for me. (Get it? /FIFA Sundayed)

-"Vinny, I don't want to screw you." -Some girl, speaking the international language of love.

-"I'm coming home with you." -Random WOP, to Pauly, also speaking this international language called English.

-"That's my phone (pointing at phone)...That's what happens when you take steroids (pointing at Ronald)." -Pauly, referring to angry-at-Sammy-Ron-Ron (happiness lasted 12 minutes, I believe).

-"I don't put pussy on a pedestal. I put it on the couch and on the floor like it belongs." -Ronnaldino, who has build fucking pyramids to the pussy and then destroyed said pyramids like a highly skilled labor Godzilla.

-FIGGGHHH----ahhhh, shit. Mikey and Ron won't finish this until next Thursday Sunday due to ratings. Can't wait to see the Situation get Kanye'd.

Hook-Ups: Niete (think that is Florencian for none).

MVG: Snooki: Drunk, check. Drama, check. Entertaining, check. Drunk, check. Dreaming of dick, check. ON. HER. GAME.


Next Week: Situation beats up Ronnie's hands with his face. He then gets clumsy and hurts his neck in a fall, but it was totally his fault. Lil' Wayne performs. De-Na hooks up with Lady Gaga. Sammi turns out to actually be Adele. I may be confusing my promos at this point.