Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 4, Episode 4

We last left the Guido Guild in the midst of chaos...D-Na was pulling bitches from the Situation and right out of Vinny's bed, Mike was getting menage-a-blocked whilst getting into a row with Snookers and Ronni & Sammi were dancing the same exact tango as the last three seasons. Tonight, shit almost gets real before the cameras cut out and we have to wait a week to see Situation get crippled.

-"I am an individual." -Lesbi-twin, screaming at Mikey. We don't know this girl's name, but we do know she went down on two JS cast members, so we are now aware that her super-STD is individually named, at least.


-"Me and Deeena tag teamed a girl." Vinny, speaking on the most disappointing Royal Rumble EVAR!

-"My guy, Unit, was banging Ryder, and Snooki got all turned on and started sucking my dick." -Situation. That sentence is beautifully awful.

-Nice fucking hat J-Woww, glad you are making an impact on this show.

-Humetron Don notes that they will resolve all of this drama soon and declare they have never been as close as a family. A family from fucking Bumfucking Temps, Louisiana...that has been incestuously breeding for centuries.

-"At least the carpets are clean today." -Vinny (carpets get munched, but whatevs).

"Lez-be-honest." -Pauly. Then after a little more fun, D-Na, the guy's girl, dissolves into tears at how mean those boys are being... (commercial break) everything is sunshiney. If only Rambo were this efficient in their bickering.

-Snooki tells GeeAnnnee about Mike's assertions, and maturely he realizes Mikey is a lying douche. Not that I trust Snooks, but at least this understanding leads to a great exchange:

"Let's have babies!" -Snook.

"Are you out of your fucking mind?" Ge-An-Knee.

"Fuck yeah." -Snicks.

Good work.

P.S. These folks are sterilized right. We had to agree with that in order to export them, right?

-"Whatever you do, don't take advice from Sammi." -Vinny, BOOM!

-"Keep your nose out of my relationship." -Ron.

"Why don't you keep your relationship out of my nose." -What J-Dubs should have responded. But she doesn't because she is useless on this show.

-"I have my peri-oso." -Deena to the BOSSMAN, in an effort to cover her and Snooks drunkeness.

-"Bring your clothes and your dick." -Snooks advice to Gianni. This leads to her and J-Woww discussing cock molds, and then doing some dickswinging for their boyfriends, offering to compare which steroid sausage is shriveled more.

-If Plan B isn't the abortion pill, according to the Plan B advertisements, then what is this elusive abortion pill...because that would be PLAN A for me. (Get it? /FIFA Sundayed)

-"Vinny, I don't want to screw you." -Some girl, speaking the international language of love.

-"I'm coming home with you." -Random WOP, to Pauly, also speaking this international language called English.

-"That's my phone (pointing at phone)...That's what happens when you take steroids (pointing at Ronald)." -Pauly, referring to angry-at-Sammy-Ron-Ron (happiness lasted 12 minutes, I believe).

-"I don't put pussy on a pedestal. I put it on the couch and on the floor like it belongs." -Ronnaldino, who has build fucking pyramids to the pussy and then destroyed said pyramids like a highly skilled labor Godzilla.

-FIGGGHHH----ahhhh, shit. Mikey and Ron won't finish this until next Thursday Sunday due to ratings. Can't wait to see the Situation get Kanye'd.

Hook-Ups: Niete (think that is Florencian for none).

MVG: Snooki: Drunk, check. Drama, check. Entertaining, check. Drunk, check. Dreaming of dick, check. ON. HER. GAME.


Next Week: Situation beats up Ronnie's hands with his face. He then gets clumsy and hurts his neck in a fall, but it was totally his fault. Lil' Wayne performs. De-Na hooks up with Lady Gaga. Sammi turns out to actually be Adele. I may be confusing my promos at this point.

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 4, Episode 2

I got me a big ole plate of Pasti with Bolognese sauce, some Sangria (which according to our Guido Guild means wine in Italian) and I'm about 10 Bud Lights down. That is the right mindset for these Guinea fucks, who at last check were being drunk, disorderly and disgusting...so just the way we love them.

-Aside: If you have ever watched more than one full episode of Teen Mom, do me a favor and never talk to me again. And kill yourself. I caught the last 5 minutes of that show and barely avoided stabbing myself in the abdomen with a dull pen. Awful.

-"Maybe his Italian Sausage will be in my pussy." -D-Na, about Pawlie D, totally missing the whole point of how a metaphor works.

-Good insight on the Pauly/Deena quasi-relationship from "The Crack Whore Formerly Know As J-Woww."

-Nutella is the shit.

-"Everything's in another language." Deeno the Dinosaur, who also spent the whole time asking if everything was meat. Because that meatgazer would like someone with some meat to "Do the sex with her," as she calls it.

-"I'm so proud of myself for not falling last night." -D-Na again, promptly followed by Sammi being a Sweetheart and changing the subject. Mind you, she fell about 20 times.

Deena is ripping up the quotes in the show, mostly because MTV is playing up the "not at all contrived storyline" of Mike falling for Snooki. I've seen more believable story arcs on Franklin and Bash.

-Pizzeria Related: Ahhh look, they have a shitty job in a pizza place, says guy who works in a Pizza Place /self burn.

"Bitch, I made pizza in Florence." J-Woww, to her unborn, bastard, coke-addled grandkids.

"If Snooki can do it, we all can do it." -Ron.

"We won't screw it up." Pauly, akin to Hasselbeck, Matt: "We want the ball, and we're gonna score."

-"Is that him." -Deena, pointing to a cop thinking he was a dude that passed on her herpes box. Major props to Sammy for coming to the rescue /statements I never thought I'd write.

-"That was quick." "Whore." The group to Situation and his Americano. Snookers calling a fellow pot a whore.

-"It's hard...to be in a Jucuzzi with two guys." -Ron, with a soils Freudian slip.

-Ronnie palms off Sammi's advances like Frank the Tank on tranquilizers. Good boy.

Deena: I would give it to Mikey for getting it in, but his general pussiness just overwhelms. D-Na gave Pauly tongue, Mikey lip, fell down a bunch, was on the quotables game and brought the drama without taking it too far. Well played, cheerio.

Bedpost Notches: Sitch: 1.

Next Week: Mike loses out on a threesome because of Lesbian Deena, Ron and Sammi fight, Vinny's only purpose is to beg them not to fight. J-Woww does no coke, whatsoever. Nope. None at all.

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 3, Episode 4 Free Snooki

Awwww Shizzle. Coming off Monday's Super Awesome Snooki episode, Jersey Shore season 3 is hitting it's stride. And soon Sammi is gonna sock Ronald. Can't. Fucking. Wait.

Without further adieu, your Jersey Shore Study Guido:

-The gang starts off the episode by going to bail out the Snooki. Shockingly, she is actually at the jail and hadn't been transfered to an animal shelter.

-"I'm G now. Don't fuck with me." -Snooks.

She then calls her "psycho" dad to tell him that she has been arrested, and he seems pretty calm, like "You got arrested, for public drunkeness again?"

Then she decides to act like it isn't a big deal, which kinda pisses him the fuck off. So he threatens to come down there in his big truck and pick her up if she does it again. And then ground her, and "there will be no more hanging out with those troublemaking friends, missy, you hear me. One MORE TIME you get arrested for being a whore in public while slobberingly drunk and you are in trouble."

How the fuck old is she? Answer: 23, which is about 5 years too old for a parent to threaten this. Maybe her pops is realizing how terrible of a job he did raising this monkey-person and is trying to fix it. It's gone too far.

-Snooks and Jenny talk it out, and instead of realizing that tiny people shouldn't be allowed to drink all day (or drive cars for that matter) they blame all her problems on the fact that she is single. Because single people can't be happy, and people in relationships never drink to excess.

While talking about finding relationships that are meaningful, Snooks is wearing a hat that says, "Sometimes you feel like a slut..."

-"Vinny, Pauly, this is my perfect man. What's your name again?" -Deena, while introducing Ronnie2 to the boys.

It is scary how much he looks like the OG Ronnie, especially when he does the "I Can't Feel My Face" move (it is amazing how much everyone looks alike when they cover their face with their hand and wave it back and forth. For a second I thought he was Obama).

-The boys bring Ronnie2 (actual name, Dean, so we have Dean & Deena hooking up, okay) home and plan to sneak him into bed with Sammi, to see her reaction. As they get into the room, Ronnie is alerted to the fact that there is an impostor him, and just goes, "Is it Dean?"

Then they move on...What? How the fuck did he know him? Is Guido-side that small? Are they brothers? Cousins? THIS IS THE WHOLE REASON FOR INTERVIEWS AFTER THE FACT! What good are you, producers? (Unless, of course, this was all set up ahead of time and the producers couldn't risk letting us all know it is a facade)

ALERT: After watching the internet post-show, it is announced that Ronni met Dean at a bar previously and "chubby-Ron," as OG calls him, sorta hit on Ronnie and it is bandied about that he hooked up with Deana to get closer to Ron. Don't worry baby birds, I'll sort through all the shit that is MTV programming to find these nuggets of golden info.

-Ron also points out that Dean has a girlfriend named Sam, just like himself. Seconds later, Dean goes hotubbing and snuggles with D-Na and announces he "is as single as can be." When D-Na finds out the next manana that he is not, she really couldn't give a shit. Good girl.

-Vinny and Pauly have a tremendous riff about fake-Ronnie cheating on Sam, and if they should write an anonymous letter with big words and poor legalese. Please give them more airtime, they make the show.

Ronnie later tries to make the same letter joke in regards to J-Woww, but it is bitter and stupid, much like Ronnie this season.

-"I think Pinot is okay, because pregnant girls drink it." -Snooki, on whether she should stop drinking...the day after she already went out drinking.

-Though it was an obvious Flip Camera commercial inside the episode, Pauly voicing Snook's Puff and J-Woww's tits was pretty hilarious.

-"I might have to double-panty it tonight because it might get bad." -Snooks, on her new gorilla, Nick the Mick (they make it so damn easy with the names on this show). I assumed she was taking precaution because of the "Wet, wet that fuck up the sheets" aka Cooter Juice, but then she says that she poops whenever she gets excited...which comes full-circle to my surprise about the jail/shelter situation earlier.

-It appears Nick the Mick has a "La Familia" tramp-stamp. Whuck? He does throw it to Snooks, upping our hook-up total to maybe two for the show (D-Na's is up for further review at the moment, we'll have final judgment at the conclusion of the blog).

-"Roger that." Pauly, while Jenny is breaking up with Tom-Tawm and failing to mention her new beau. 

-J-Woww forgets her anniversary. J-Woww is a bitch that doesn't call and then chews out her boyfriend when they do talk. J-Woww goes on multiple dates with another dude. J-Woww breaks up with Taw-Me over the phone. Taw-Me responds by stealing some her shit and locking her dogs up safely in the house.

Rational human response: "I probably deserved that."

J-Woww response: "I didn't deserve any of this."

Props to fucking Tommy from Quinzee, going out with a fucking bang. I'm sure he's spend tons on that whore (and was her manager that she tried to stiff after getting stuffed by another dude), so might as well steal random shit like beds, watches, hard drives and money, especially when the bitch was dumb enough to break it off with you WHILE you were living at her house alone and had access to bank accounts.

Though I wish he would have skinned the dogs alive and hung their pelts on the door or something equally as vile to really fuck up the J-Wowzer.

-J-Woww claims Tawme was a really dick to her off camera, causing the break-up and her breakdown (according to the post-show), but I think she was the most upset with the realization that on said hard drive were the naked pics, pre-tit jobs.


Bed-Post Notches: Snooki- 1, which I'm sure will relive Vinny and Seabiscuit.

Upon futher review, I will give D-Na a notch, as I assume fake-Ronnie plowed a couple fingers in there. No golden ticket, but we'll give her a break.

MVG: A tight race, as Snooki was on her game as always and I really wanted to give it to RonalDean-O (get it?), but he only had like 3 minutes of airtime. In the end, through all the yelling, cheating, bitching, and even setting-up Snookers, J-Woww was the star of this episode. Totally clinched in the final minutes, during her confessional interview in which she had tear stains all the way down to her boobs, leading to Arab Money assume that tears were shredding her fake-baked skin.

(Props to Arab Money for the photo)

Next Week: Sammi punches Ronni. Sammi punches Ronni. OHHHH YAAAAA. And if things go according to plan, Arab Money and I will be getting epically shitfaced for this momentous occasion in downtown Denver. All those within a five-mile radius, I invite you to join in, as you are probably gonna die in the resulting carnage that we create anyway.  Might as well fist-pump first.

More details to follow as we hope to see this face again.