Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 4, Episode 1

Holy Fucking Shit...The G-U-I-D-Os be back up in this motherfucker. When we last left the Intoxicated Eight (Alliterations points) they were destroying Seaside and crying. Now, we are apparently trying to curtail immigration to the USA by sending these Shoretards out to Italy to make sure we cut down on the number of WOPs who try to enter to AMERICA through Ellis Island.

What could possibly go wrong with 8 shitty Americans trying to infiltrate a foreign city without understanding any customs or language? Not much. Seriously though, these people have a tentative grasp on English and manage to contract Herps on the daily, so I don't suspect it will be too hard for them to figure out how to date rape hook up with the local Azurri despite their lack of polish.

-"Europe...is that big country."  Oh Snooki, always in the fucking lead.

-Pauly has his international plug packed to make sure the blowout is intact. (Chicken Cluck) smart. (If you don't get this, watch Epic Meal Time and stop reading my blog).

-Deena thinks Gracias is Itai for thank you...ITALY NOT MEXICO! (This theme will be repeated all episode, if not season...Which proves these Guids are truly more beaner than WOP, and also underlying why I see so many Mexis acting like dirty Shorites.)

-De-Na lives in New Egypt. Snooki lives in Marlboro. Does Ronnie live in RoidsVillie? These names are bullshit.

-Snooki packs "I (Heart) Vinny" panties. /File under obvious foreshadowing.

-Holy shit Jenny is has turned into a giant boobed Skeletor. I mean, I understand you are now dating a "health nut" (read: steroid abuser) in Raw-Gah, but everything but your Tittays shrunk.

30 seconds on the clock /Tosh:

1. Apparently the coke and protein diet has been efficient.

2. She looks like the Italian Kate Moss.

3. I would call that style Guido-Sheik.

4. I think her boobs are eating her torso.

5. Hunger strike until Rambo re-unite.

6. She was sick of Pauly being the skin...(Buzzer)...Oh out of time.

-I am more excited for Single Ron-Ron than I am to see a single Tebow pass.

-"You don't have to be on top." -Sammi's mom, who apparently is at peace with her daughter being a dumb, white trash whore.

-"Lift up their arms, and see if they have hair." -Vinny's uncle Don Vito, on the age of consent in Italialand.

-Advertisement: Humey and I have decided this Panet of the Apes movie is gonna be awesome. I can't wait to see Monkeys Throwing Poop defeat humans with guns. MARCEL!

-Kind of a dick move by MTV to schedule the bitches into Milan, while the boys flew straight into Florence. But if it kept Ronaldo and Samantha from sharing a room, I'm all for it.

-"Is that where I get Pesos?" -Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh Snoooki.

-"Ronnie won't be able to walk through the alley, he's gotta turn sideways." -Pauly D.

-"Pugs not Drugs." Vinny's T-shirt time. Muffin approves (4 people get this joke).

-"And Sammy, the only thing I've noticed is that she's got bigger boobs." Sage Pauly. This piles on hilariously when Nicole (Snooki) decides that she should get fake boobs because hers wobble and fro, and asks Sammy if they should get them.

-I really feel that in about 20 years that Al-Queda's most prominent and vicious terror cell will be located in Florence, solely as a result of this show.

Dear Itai-Land, we apologizo. Sorry-o about-o those Guiodos-o. Don't-o hold that against-o us. We be so a sorry-o.

-I like that Ron wants to avoid hooking up with Samm, but walks around shirtless right in front of her.

-"Finally I'm useful for something...besides being a cum dumpster." -Snooki. I made up nothing in that statement.

-"Red Light!" -Random (insert racial Italian slur). "Oh, my bad." -Pauly.

-Humey bets that Pauly D sings 'No Pigeons" first, the knock off no scrubs song from 1999.

-DeeeeeeeNa burns her weave. Turrible.

-Still not in fucking Mexico. Or speaking Spanish, Baxter.

-"I'm a good time. I'm a blast in a bra." -Pauly, speaking as D-Na's tits. FORESHADOWING.

-"Taxi Son Aqui" -Pauly D, in broken WOP, yelling "Cabs are HHHEEEEEEAAAAHHHH"

-"I just wanna dance." Lady Ron-Ron.

-"Schnookie" -Ron. While commenting on the fact that Snitch and Snooks might be hooking up.

MVG: Italy. Or no one. Just a boring ass episode, hopefully pulling a straight Trueblood and lulling me to sleep before the crazy goes boom.

Hook-ups: None. Gaaaaaaay.

Next Week: Pauly smushes Deena. Situation dies...One can hope. Ronnie punch.

This Season: Shit gets real in the Italian Sausage shop.

Jersey Shore Drinking Game, Vol. 1

Greatest show ever? Nope. GREATEST SHOW EVARRRRRR!!!!!!! Caps lock and spelling failure are a necessity.

I hate myself for loving this show, but everything about it is TV gold. Moronic people who take pride in their own overcompensation. They know they are overdoing it, and they just don't care. I kept a journal in high school (fag) and I cringe at some of the ridiculous shit I thought was cool. I can't imagine how these people could see themselves on TV later and not feel ashamed to the point of suicide, but really I don't care. Because they are fucking hilarious.

So I will present my ideas for an awesome Jersey Shore drinking game, but I will need your suggestions, loyal readers, in order to see if this works.

1. You will need to pick one Guido/Guidette:
-This will keep you from dying. I tried to play this game for everyone and got fucking Drunk very quickly, and probably lost a friend in the process with my constant Tweets (more in the Sack-up, coming tomorrow-ish). It would be great if you could get seven people (one per cast mate). In fantasy football terms, I think the Situation=AP Purple Jesus (consensus #1) and Snookers=Chris Johnson (slow starter, but definite gamebreak-ability). You can have the draft first-come, first-serve or have the person deemed most Jersey Shore in your group pick first and then they get to chose who is the next most Jersey Shore for the second pick, and so on. Be sure to argue a lot about this, in order to get in the correct mind frame. If you have some cocaine, do that as well. I guarantee these boys and girls are yayed out.

Basically this is similar to our Nuggets drinking game from F3 freshman year, where we gave out drinks for positives (baskets, assists) and took drinks for negatives (turnovers/blocked shots). The best part about giving out drinks is that it leads to pettiness and rivalry between the people drinking, and isn't that shit the whole idea behind a reality TV show? Answer: No, watching Snookie get brained is why TV was invented in the first place. But pettiness and fights are number 2.

2. Give a drink: If one of these happens, you give the corresponding number of drinks:
-If they slaps someone. 1 drink.
-Throw a punch. 2 drinks.
-When the "Dwuck Phone" rings, whomever answers gives out 1 drink, unless the call is for them, then they take it.
-When your character refers to themselves by their nickname or alter ego. 1 drink. (The Situation skyrockets here).
-When your Guido sells a t-shirt. Drink 1.
-Every time your Guido begins fist-pumping to house music. Drink 1.
-If your character makes out with anyone. 1 drink per rating on a standard 1-10 scale. This can be a group decision, or just on you. Most of the people are drunk, worthless trash, so most will end up about 4 or 5 drinks per make out sesh.
-If your Guido is in the hot tub and makes out/hooks up with a girl, drink one for every kiss. Add drinks for the total number of undergarments removed and number of people involved.
Bonus: If your Guido bangs another cast member, whomever ends up on top starts a two (or more, I'm not ruling out a threesome) person waterfall.
-If your character cock-blocks someone else, give the blockee however many drinks their hook-up ranked on the 1-10 scale. (Too bad Angelina bailed, she would've been like the 2001 Ravens D).
-Anytime your Guido is shown doing their hair. 1 drink.
-Anytime your character makes a statement about doing steroids. 1 drink.

3. Take a drink: When one of these situations happens, take the corresponding number of drinks.
-When your Guido ruins grace. 1 drink.
-Your character gets slapped. 1 drink. Gets punched. 2 drinks. Gets knocked the fuck out, even if it not shown, finish your drank. You just got Snookied.
-Uses the word Guido/s. 1 drink.
-Uses any derivative word of Guido (i.e. Guidette, Guida, Guidistani, I can't even pretend to assume how they will bastardize this bastard word, but I'm sure they will etc.) 2 drinks.
-Gets arrested. 1 drink if handcuffed, plus one drink per charge.
-When your Guido is referred to by their nickname/alter ego by someone else. 1 drink. (Situation and J-Wwow). 2 drinks if it is a messed up/mocking version of the nickname (i.e. Snickers)
-For every minute late your Guido is to work. 1 drink. If they get fired, get a bottle of Smirnoff and finish that bitch.
-When your Guido takes a drink, match it. (i.e. one second drink=1 shot or beer. If they bust out a beer bong, chug a beer. You can correspond between beer and hard alcohol to match them if you wish, but you will end up a hot mess like Sooksters).
Bonus: If your Guido destroys something (grill, glass, or in Ron-Ron's case the world), you can take a bomb shot (Tuaca, Jeager, Car, etc.)
-Anytime your Guido is insulted as a slut, whore, player, etc. 1 drink.
-Whenever your character calls insinuates that someone else is a slut, whore, player, etc. Drink 1 for hypocrisy.

That is what I have so far. Let me know if it is doable. I am really pissed this show didn't come out while I was in college, imagine pregaming like this before the Sully's/Wash night /tear.


Note: If I feel semi-human and can fight off this illness I'm fighting, I might break down each Guidos stregnths and weeknesses plus specific rules next week, but I'll probably be lazy and not. Tune in, bitches.