Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 3, Episode 1

Two months without Guidos and I almost forgot who they were...except every single day when I woke up singing "Itttt's T-SHIIIRRRT TIIIIMMMMMEE!!!"

Yes, the Wopmonkeys have returned for season tres, back at the Syphillis Shores. Gone is that wretched whore Angelina and she is being replaced by one of Snooki's friends, who is allegedly crazier. It is like God is finally answering my prayers.

Usually I simply recap these episodes while playing my awesome drinking game and mock these fucktards for their fucktardedness, but this season I am gonna step it up a couple of notches on the bedpost in two ways; 1) By literally keeping a bedpost-notch hook-up tracker (Again, to me a hook-up only involves penetration into an orifice. Finger-Vag, Penis-Mouth, Elbow-Asshole, Foot-Gaping Belly Button Wound), and 2) By naming an MVG (Most Valuable Guido) every episode in order to make the end of season MVP Award (Name TBD) that much sweeter.

Enough with the particulars...ONTO THE MOTHERFUCKING SHORE (My dearest mother helped with me the first half of this episode, but she had tune out because the "Camerawork was so shaky it made her sick." Not the swearing, horrible people and general stupidity, the camerawork. Old people are funny):

-Snooki is officially more tan than any person not currently named Wesley Snipes.

-We meet Deena (Whose name really should be spelled like D-Nuh if she wants to fit in), who is apparently the living, breathing afterbirth of Snooki. Or maybe slightly-better-looking-in-certain-camera-angles-friend. Whatever the case, she is Snooki-Squared (couldn't figure out superscript, my bad).

She has also almost has the first quotable and catchphrase of the season, but I just don't feel guyshopping is quite up to par. Plus rookies can never win. Consider this hazing.

-J-Woww is gonna cheat on T-Awm-Me this season...I can read the SUBTLE foreshadowing.

-"We clean it, and we don't go in after the Situation uses it." Pauly, to his concerned Momma on the hot tub conditions. Her advice is not, "Hey use a rubber" or "Hey, you are like 35, still living in my house and trying to hook up with 18-year olds. Grow the fuck up." These parents are fucking awful.

-I hope to fuck Ronnie cheats on Sammi, whose name I have been spelling with a Y for a while now. Like I give a shit, but I feel I am understating her whoriness if I don't give it that Stripper-i.

-"Monkeys have to go to the jungle, I have to go to the shore." -Vinny, too fucking easy.

-Ooooohhhh Duck Phone, how I have missed you. And props to MTV for reusing the old set house. Because the profit margin on this show is really tight and you can't spare any expenses.

-Rammi (Ronni+Sammi for my slower readers...so all of you) of course choose to be superdouchey and self-involved by forcing some poor sucker to live with them. Turns out it is the Sit. and that is actually pretty awesome.

"I can't bring girls back and bang them in front of Sam." -Vinny. Yes you can, nothing would be funnier than to rub it in her and Roni's faces. Literally.

-J-Woww doesn't even respond to Sammi other than a "Uhhh." Point, Wowzers.

Rebuttal: "No bag, she's just whore." -Sammi. Game fucking ON!

-"I have Vinny in the house, maybe I don't need (my tiny green dildo)." -Snooks.

-Mike is in Sam's old bed. Du-Dun-Duh...foreshadowing? Can he pull the ultimate robbery?

-"These burgers are 80% lean, 20% fat. That's how I like my women." -Vinny, off to a strong start as always.

-"I'm a walking holiday." Dino.

"I don't get it, does she give out candy? I'm a dumb fucking whore." -Sammi (may have paraphrased that a bit).

"If Deena is a holiday, then she is Thanksgiving because she has got a lot to give and she's down for a lot of stuffing." -Mike. Great fucking editing on this whole sequence. Top notch.

-Snooki gets jealous of Vinny banging her friend Ryder and then getting all handsy with D-Na. Some advice for both of them;

Vinny: Don't shit were you sleep.

Snooks: Quit having friends that are fucking WHORES! /Arab Money voice (you'll get this when I post my New Years blog).

J-W's advice to Vin is also succinct and constructive: "Stick it in one of the jet holes."

-Cowboy hat is probably another term for Deanna's cooka (cucha, kooka?)."

Once that cowboy hat is found, the Situation does indeed also find her vagine...Then acts like he has never fucking seen one before in his life...Then passes on being the first (in the house) to pound that. I will wager my car that before 2020 it will come out that the Situation is gay.

-"If I see your fucking penis rise, I'm going to bed." -Jenni, to Mike.

-Mike uses the word "audacious." Which is pretty audacious of him. It would work better if he didn't struggle to say it like he just drank molasses.

-Sammi is a bitch. D-Nuh is drunk. This is humorous and doesn't even qualify as a Situation (TM). Then, you add the secret element, Eaux de Ronald, and what you have is a powderkeg with a fuse. Snooki, now rocking her "red, flaming hair" decides to play the role of lit match, to get this fiesta off on the right foot.

She calls Sammi a bitch, Deena already called her a cunt. Then there is something about squirellmonkeys.

"I might have fabricated a bit about Ron's mom calling Sam a bitch, but when I said it, Ron didn't say a word." -Snoookkerrrs.

-Credits ruining the fight...as fucking always. Dickbags.

Hook-Ups: None. Shit's weak!

MVG: D-Nice D-NA. A little weak on the quotables because they were pretty much drunken blather, but heavy on the whorey situations (get it?), stupidity, drama and mostly for not being Angina.

Next Up: Holy fucking shit this season looks 10x as fun as Miami...Grenade Whistles, The Wicked Bitch of the Shore going home swinging, Snookers diving into sand, arrests and the fact that I might actually get to watch these episodes with real life friends...well color me tan.

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Week 6

Sorry this is  late, but because of some issues with DirectTV tivo (i.e. it sucks my balls) I was unable to give you my Jersey Shore Situation until now.

Yep. Shit is going down. Vinnie finally did something productive in this show by stealing the bosses girl, now we get to see what happens. And hopefully Ron-Ron beats some ass. And hopefully people say horrible things that I can quote and then mock. Armed with Admiral Nelson, Hornitos and a splash of Pepsi (El Generilisimo, I dub this concoction), to the Tivo MTV website I go...

-The Vinnie situation girl-stealing business is worked out far too easily, so that Danny guy must really be a good guy to forgive. Watching the aftershow (what? I gotta do research for this), they say that Danny had been trying to get with that Tonya girl for like five or six years. Finally gets a date and then Vinnie fucking steals her. That teaches you to rent out your house to MTV.

-"I usually don't feel bad taking someone else's girl, per se, because that is the girl's fault." Touche, Vin, touche.

-GTL. Rules to live by in your Guido handbook. That is Gym, Tanning, Laundry. There is so much work that goes into being a Guido, I don't think I could do it.

-Vinne is a creeper, just like all the other Guidos, but he is just silent. His efforts to pull Mike's sister were awesome, and according to the aftershow, the cast said that they thought Vinnie hooked-up slept in the same bed as Mike's sister purely to piss of the Situation, since they never really got along.

[Sidenote: Am I the only one really confused by these Guidos making a really big deal about little shit like making out, holding hands, etc. IF you are at a club like the ones they go to, dancing all up on each other's shit is just socially acceptable, and many times it leads to making out, but it really doesn't mean jack shit. I'm not sure it really even counts as hooking up. The Sit getting all uppity about holding hands with Sam and then making out with Ronnie is ridiculous. You aren't in high school (though their mindsets may be), I think an appendage has to be inserted into an orifice to qualify as hooking up, but maybe that is just me. I know hook-ups aren't limited to sex, but I don't think making out on a dance floor equals hooking up either, right?]

-For a guy who didn't really do anything besides get Pink Eye from a farting old lady (at least according to Mikey) in the first couple of episodes, Vinnie apparently was at work below the surface. Again, the aftershow divulged that he was involved with several ladies, almost all of whom were connected to someone else in the house (Sit's sister, J-Woww's friend, Danny's girl and maybe Angelina's friend early on). Slick and admirable, at least to me, since I have discovered this is more my game than pulling random girls at bars.

-"I'm like the first strike, reconnaissance." -Situation

-Snookers: "If one thing leads to another, I'm not going to tell him to get off." I would hope you help him get off. That joke was too easy.

But then she gives the guy an out. You can never do that. If you aren't a prize catch yourself you can't give hope of something better. People will always choose Door #2.

-I love that Sammie gets so butthurt about her "Flintstone big toe." What a fucking whiny bitch. Her and Ronnie are fucking worthless. It is good her and the Sit never really got together, or else that would totally have ruined his role. Ronaldino is so whipped it hurts me. The best is when she calls her big toe a "personal issue." I have just begun skipping through their scenes. Fucking worthless.

-"Unbelievable, huh, Snooks. It is so hard to find a good man these days, that is why I date women." -Pauly D with a quote as nice as his beats.

-When it appears that Ronnie has broken up with Sam, I love that Vinnie is happy as fuck. No one like those two. It was very ballsy of Snooks to just straight up tell Ron and Sam that everyone hates them. Actually not Ballsy as it was just the liquor talking. My bad.

-Ronnie goes to "Creep" on some girls. It is good to know that Creeping is an acceptable term for picking up chicks. Glad to know Guido and Creep are both positive connotations these days.

-Mike ask Snook to kick out the fat one. "Will I know?" "Oh yeah, you'll know."

-The undercard: Snookers vs. Fat Bitches: Basically, Snookie needs to learn to fight or duck, according to Pauly. And Mike really needs to figure out how to quit bringing baggage back to the house. Has anyone had a worse reputation from reality TV than the blond grenade since Omarosa? A cockblock and a charging Rhino. She is probably the only person who doesn't love this show.

-"Your ride's here." Vinnie to the fat girls, as the trash truck pulls up.

-Snookie's attack on Mike, with what appears to be a giant inflatable monkey kills me, especially finishing the attack with a risky backside balls shot while he carries her over his shoulders.

-I need Vinnie's mom to visit me once a week.

-Sam and Ron are like gasoline and matches. Or Pauly D and a barbecue.

-The Main Event: Ronnie whooped that guys ass. Granted that guy was fucked up as shit, but he got fucking mashed. The only time Ron really got hit was right at the end as they were separating (or, as I like to call it, the Chubbs Special). I can't wait for the Jersey Shore Boxing/Wrestling/Ultimate Fighting Show five years down the road. Or maybe these Guids will move on to compete in the Real World/Road Rules shit, since I'm pretty sure Road Rules last aired in 1999.

-Ronnie decides to cool down by flipping picnic tables. Over/under one-year until Ronnie pulls a Charlie Sheen. I'll choose the under. He'll beat Sammie like Fred Flintstone used to Barney.

Next Week: In Guido Mecca, J-Woww beats Mike's ass. I can't wait.

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Week 5

When we last left Jersey Shore, Snookers had just taken a shot to the jaw. It was beautiful, until MTV cut it. Weak. It was nowhere as tough as the LaGarrett Blount Falcon Punch . Really, those are the two moments that will always stick in my memory when I think of 2009, Snookie and the Blount. Kind of shows what a bleh year 2009 was, that two white bitches getting socked are my defining memories.

Anyway, I know that I am late with this, but I was still so drunk/hungover when this episode first aired that I was incapable of drinking (and I also had to report to work on New Years), and I didn't want to rob you of my drunken opinions of the only greatest reality TV show there is (I wanted to say only, but I have started watching two others. Before you judge, realize one focuses on CSU and the other features some clown from CSU. Maybe more on the latter, later). So without further adieu, here are my snap reactions to episode 5:

-Honestly, how in the world did the Situation not beat some ass. Just one or two swings, even half-hearted and that guy is dining on pussy the rest of his life. He would be a hero for standing up for girls everywhere. Instead he froze like someone shot by Schwartzenager in that awful Batman movie (insert more current reference here). I also like how Ronnie acts like Mike is a bitch, but he didn't do shit either. None of them did. That is weak.

-Mike "El Situation" creeping still after Snooks got blasted was maybe the most hilarious moment of 2009. Just absolutely no class. That is like stealing a man's wallet after he gets jumped, lays bleeding to death, and not calling 911. And yet he still comes off better than some of the other cast-members at the close of this episode. This cast is more shallow than a kiddie pool.

-The cops make Snookie walk home. Jersey Shore Po-Po need to step up. You even make the Bonedale Police look lazy.

-Everyone decides they actually like Snookie after she gets KTFO. As if that is some sort of badge of honor.

-Even Ron-Ron's parents are shallow and all about themselves. Or, as Vinnie calls them, good people. (Wa-Wa-What?)

-Ron, to his mother: "Drink your Mimosa, smoke another cigarette and take it easy." Ron, your mother just wants to get her cancer tan on, don't make her get her cancer smoke on.

-Vinnie is like a fucking lost puppy so far in this show, just tagging along. For fuck's sake, do something. If anyone is playing my game and drafted Vin, you now know how Detroit Lions fans have felt about every draft since 1989 (Barry Sanders, fyi).

-J-Woww's advice to Snook. "Let's drink heavily." Based on that line alone, I want to marry her. She is a woman after my own heart. Every situation can be solved with shots and rapid chugging of beer.

-Snookers, on killing Lobsters: "I don't like to eat anything that is alive when you kill it." Good thing it is a well-known fact that cows are born dead, or else hamburgers would be off my personal menu as well.

-DJ Pauly D, on the strength of his hair gel. : "I'm not sure my hair is bulletproof, but I'm not about to test it." I am willing to bet there is a significant portion of Americans that are willing to test this for you. "I'll play the part of the barber and put a part up in your hair. Sit inside of my barber's chair, I'll let the four-fifths clippers clip a ni--a" Gratuitous rap lyric supplied by Ray Cash- Killa With the Flow (prod. by the Kickdrums

-Pauly D on some girls: "They aren't whores. We might have to see them once or twice." Vinnie piles on. "Some girls will come in and jump into the hot tub. Some girls you have to treat like human beings." I hate bitches that I have to treat as human beings. I want to fuck alien bitches. Mainly illegal alien bitches. You have to pay less that way. And you can beat them up without paying extra.


-FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT. Chick fight and Snookie didn't even get a fresh one in the kisser. J-Woww done Guido Windmilled some bitch. Then, she had to adjust her boobs, because they were pointing completely different directions. Like googly-eyed Jason Ibanez from my high school soccer team (or Stuart Scott, for you non-Carboners)

ASIDE: I see a whole shit load of boob jobs out here in Cali, and all I can say is, girls, go the whole ten yards. Don't half-ass a boob job like J-Woww. I appreciate all boobs, real or fake, but when they look like they are trying to separate like Jon and Kate (whoo, totally out of date reference) it kinda grinds my gears. Make sure you go under the muscles, the over-the-top treatment just doesn't work. Boobs should work together, they should not be trying to avoid each other like the polar sides of magnets.

-Ronald dispenses some great advice, on J-Woww's boyfriend Tom, who is a biggity-bitch: "I would send her a picture of my dick and some bubble gum." If I ever were able to have an ex-girlfriend, I would send her this. I should send this to a bunch like my one hook-up. Look out, (radio edit). This would actually be a nice present since Trophy Wife's mother said I had a nice looking penis once upon a time. Again, this would mean I would have to have a girlfriend, and that will probably never happen, until I am more whipped than Ron-Ron.

-Vinnie finally breaks out. Stealing the bosses bitch. What a way to finish. It only took him five episodes to finally shine. Is he a Chauncey Billups, a late-bloomer who became captain clutch, or is he a Kenny Anderson who teased us with potential and never amounted to shit? The jury is out.

Next Week: Is only two days away. The best part about procrastinating is that you shorten the waiting time. Right?

P.S. The Real World features some kid from CSU. I will update on him as well, but the AZN summarized him best after one episode, and when I can steal material, I do (Ignore her bad grammar):

"thanks to RW23 and Andrew, Colorado is represented as a nerdy, hilarious lying, sexually active but not really at all, racist, retarded, stuffed animal lovin, kind of creepy, kind of awesome state... HEY RAMMIE, way to rep your C-STATERS."

Why the fuck wasn't I on the Real World? Bullshit!

Jersey Shore Drinking Game, Vol. 1

Greatest show ever? Nope. GREATEST SHOW EVARRRRRR!!!!!!! Caps lock and spelling failure are a necessity.

I hate myself for loving this show, but everything about it is TV gold. Moronic people who take pride in their own overcompensation. They know they are overdoing it, and they just don't care. I kept a journal in high school (fag) and I cringe at some of the ridiculous shit I thought was cool. I can't imagine how these people could see themselves on TV later and not feel ashamed to the point of suicide, but really I don't care. Because they are fucking hilarious.

So I will present my ideas for an awesome Jersey Shore drinking game, but I will need your suggestions, loyal readers, in order to see if this works.

1. You will need to pick one Guido/Guidette:
-This will keep you from dying. I tried to play this game for everyone and got fucking Drunk very quickly, and probably lost a friend in the process with my constant Tweets (more in the Sack-up, coming tomorrow-ish). It would be great if you could get seven people (one per cast mate). In fantasy football terms, I think the Situation=AP Purple Jesus (consensus #1) and Snookers=Chris Johnson (slow starter, but definite gamebreak-ability). You can have the draft first-come, first-serve or have the person deemed most Jersey Shore in your group pick first and then they get to chose who is the next most Jersey Shore for the second pick, and so on. Be sure to argue a lot about this, in order to get in the correct mind frame. If you have some cocaine, do that as well. I guarantee these boys and girls are yayed out.

Basically this is similar to our Nuggets drinking game from F3 freshman year, where we gave out drinks for positives (baskets, assists) and took drinks for negatives (turnovers/blocked shots). The best part about giving out drinks is that it leads to pettiness and rivalry between the people drinking, and isn't that shit the whole idea behind a reality TV show? Answer: No, watching Snookie get brained is why TV was invented in the first place. But pettiness and fights are number 2.

2. Give a drink: If one of these happens, you give the corresponding number of drinks:
-If they slaps someone. 1 drink.
-Throw a punch. 2 drinks.
-When the "Dwuck Phone" rings, whomever answers gives out 1 drink, unless the call is for them, then they take it.
-When your character refers to themselves by their nickname or alter ego. 1 drink. (The Situation skyrockets here).
-When your Guido sells a t-shirt. Drink 1.
-Every time your Guido begins fist-pumping to house music. Drink 1.
-If your character makes out with anyone. 1 drink per rating on a standard 1-10 scale. This can be a group decision, or just on you. Most of the people are drunk, worthless trash, so most will end up about 4 or 5 drinks per make out sesh.
-If your Guido is in the hot tub and makes out/hooks up with a girl, drink one for every kiss. Add drinks for the total number of undergarments removed and number of people involved.
Bonus: If your Guido bangs another cast member, whomever ends up on top starts a two (or more, I'm not ruling out a threesome) person waterfall.
-If your character cock-blocks someone else, give the blockee however many drinks their hook-up ranked on the 1-10 scale. (Too bad Angelina bailed, she would've been like the 2001 Ravens D).
-Anytime your Guido is shown doing their hair. 1 drink.
-Anytime your character makes a statement about doing steroids. 1 drink.

3. Take a drink: When one of these situations happens, take the corresponding number of drinks.
-When your Guido ruins grace. 1 drink.
-Your character gets slapped. 1 drink. Gets punched. 2 drinks. Gets knocked the fuck out, even if it not shown, finish your drank. You just got Snookied.
-Uses the word Guido/s. 1 drink.
-Uses any derivative word of Guido (i.e. Guidette, Guida, Guidistani, I can't even pretend to assume how they will bastardize this bastard word, but I'm sure they will etc.) 2 drinks.
-Gets arrested. 1 drink if handcuffed, plus one drink per charge.
-When your Guido is referred to by their nickname/alter ego by someone else. 1 drink. (Situation and J-Wwow). 2 drinks if it is a messed up/mocking version of the nickname (i.e. Snickers)
-For every minute late your Guido is to work. 1 drink. If they get fired, get a bottle of Smirnoff and finish that bitch.
-When your Guido takes a drink, match it. (i.e. one second drink=1 shot or beer. If they bust out a beer bong, chug a beer. You can correspond between beer and hard alcohol to match them if you wish, but you will end up a hot mess like Sooksters).
Bonus: If your Guido destroys something (grill, glass, or in Ron-Ron's case the world), you can take a bomb shot (Tuaca, Jeager, Car, etc.)
-Anytime your Guido is insulted as a slut, whore, player, etc. 1 drink.
-Whenever your character calls insinuates that someone else is a slut, whore, player, etc. Drink 1 for hypocrisy.

That is what I have so far. Let me know if it is doable. I am really pissed this show didn't come out while I was in college, imagine pregaming like this before the Sully's/Wash night /tear.


Note: If I feel semi-human and can fight off this illness I'm fighting, I might break down each Guidos stregnths and weeknesses plus specific rules next week, but I'll probably be lazy and not. Tune in, bitches.