Yes, for Halloween this year the universe decided it would take a nice, steaming-hot, growling crap on my sports teams. Not content, it rubbed my face in this metaphorical mess by forcing me to take a seat on the sideline during the third best drunken holiday of the year (this was much better for me to think about than shitty football teams and I spend more time on it below). Yep, while everyone else in the nation was gallivanting around dressed as a slutty Holocaust survivor or a dead Mike Jackson (oddly similar, those two costumes) I was forced to wear Punisher-style face paint while breaking up fights and tossing drunks out the bar.
In addition, the Rams got out-passed by Air Force, Ed Reed made the Broncos his bitch and the Avalanche bubble appears to have burst. If it wasn't for Uber-Melo dropping 40-plus on fools nonchalantly, I would be bleeding from my wrists whilst I hung (because I cut my myself trying to climb onto the roof in order jump off onto some knives). Not really, I have Vegas to look forward to at the end of the week. No one kills themselves before they go to Vegas, they do that after.
Here are my quick recaps of the weekend:
CSU vs. Air Force: Our pass defense is awful. Your 7-on-7 flag football team would stand a good chance of putting up 35 points on the Rams right now. CSU gets no pressure, the linebackers might as well be dummies standing still six-yards behind the line and the cornerbacks are so small Darren Sproles could post them up. If they all manage to do their jobs, don't worry, our awesome fourth-string safety will miss the vital tackle to give up a first down. UHHHHHHHH.
-We are really close to making a lot of big plays, we just aren't finishing. We have probably had about 10 offensive plays in the last few games where all we needed was another block ,a better cut or a better thrown pass to score a TD, instead of just getting a big play. We were making those plays earlier this year and at the end of last year, but not anymore.
I counted at least four plays yesterday where lineman missed a block downfield that would have allowed a big play to turn into six points, but we just missed out. Sonny's teams never seemed close to making big plays in the last years, at least this Fairchild version seems close to breaking out. Just lacking a little confidence necessary to make it happen. This weekend, please? The defense just needs to really work for one or two turnovers, and the offense better try and score at least 36.
Broncos vs. Ravens: Dear Ben Hamilton,Those assholes dressed in purple are trying to sack that drunk guy with the football behind you. Try and stop them please.
Good talk,
Matt.
-We are gonna have to take more shots downfield against teams bringing the heat. A little too cautious. Ironic, considering the last two Broncos QBs were vilified for throwing too many picks, but AN interception isn't the worst thing ever as long as it doesn't become a habit, Kyle.
Actually, judging Orton based on the BAC-level maybe we shouldn't even let him try it once. Like meth.
-Ray-Ray has was involved in this vicious slaughter, but only claims to have been a mild participant while someone else (Ed Reed and Jarret Johnson) cut the bitch.
-Amber Alert: Small, white male. 14. Name: Brandon Stokely. Last seen: Approximately in the San Diego end zone.
-NO, Shon:
Best drinking holliday: Obviously things got a little emotional there, I need to move on. So, in order to take my mind off the weekend I will rate the best nights/days of the year for Kyle Orton and myself to get all sorts of shitty. Drinking holidays ftw:
1. Fourth of July
Originally: When America was born, or something.
Positives: Summer. It is warm and drinking can commence ASAP (in the morning, especially). Fireworks, fuck yeah. America, fuck yeah. Rest of Team America song, fuck yeah. Don't have to spend it with family. Don't have to travel to visit family. Bar-B-Que. Rafting. You only miss 1 of 162 baseball games. Rafting (or at least I do, poor people go to pools).
Negatives: You get all sweaty. Sometimes happens mid-week. Blowing off your hand. The Itis. Only sport is baseball and no one puts the TV outside. Everyone bitches out a 10pm.
Most memorable moment: Blacking our while rafting the Colorado through Glenwood Canyon. Splashing people who didn't want to get wet.
Quote: "Remember that one time we went rafting and didn't get wet? Not anymore," -Me, as I splashed some tourists with a bucket full of water. I love me some me.
2. St. Patrick's Day
Origin: Something about snakes and drinking until you want to join the IRA.
Positives: Carbombs. Guinness. Jameson. Green Beer. Rubens. March Madness. Spring Break. Bagpipes. Pub Crawls. Green clothes. Blacking out strongly encouraged.
Negatives: Pinching. Seems like it is always on a Wednesday. Irish people feel special and brave the sunlight. Celtics gear deemed appropriate for society.
Most memorable: Louis disappearing for a few hours in Breck. Shit was risky when he returned and that pizza was loaded with Mushrooms. What?
Quote: "I am seeing everything in 4-D," -not me.
3. Halloween
Originally: Something about Saints, then for little kids to get candy. Now, drunken hook-ups with people you will always refer to by their costume (Bumble bee gave you head?).
Positives: An excuse to dress as your repressed sexual urge. Slutty costumes that make no sense but you don't have to think about that, just enjoy that sexy nun. Racially/culturally insensitive costumes. Anonymous furry sex. Candy and alcohol. It now takes up the better part of a week.
Negatives: Anonymous furry sex. Date rape. It is pretty cold and you aren't usually wearing a lot of clothes. These fags at the door want candy or a trick, wtf? That big black guy who thinks your Carlton costume is more racist than funny. Getting drunk and going out might mean you miss college football, World Series, NFL, NBA and NHL games, multitasking while dressed as Oscar the Grouch isn't easy. MonsterMash. You need like four costumes now.
My memorable: A lap-dance while dressed as a New Orleans looter from Tinkerbell while Wilfred Brimley and Hunter S. Thompson looked on .
Quote: "Indiana Jones (Sailor) just yakked in a beer bottle, you gotta go."-Bouncer, Tony's.
4. Mardi Gras
Origin: Arbitrary fasting preceded by belligerence. Show me your tits!
Positives: Trading $1 worth of beads for tits. Gumbo. Hurricanes. Jambalaya. Debauchery.
Negatives: The next day, which is an F-ing Wednesday. The next 40 days if you are an idiot (Read: Catolick). Weird masks. Ugly, frumpy tits. Guys who think the reverse is true (Whipping out dicks is never cool). It is a Tuesday, why is the bar crowded?
Most memorable: Having the death virus and actually skipping a party for once. Somehow Stubbs, Razzle and Fily's Blunt combining to knock a keg into our wall.
Quote: "Rock, aka Cold as Fuck." -Me, introducing my awesome, semi-homemade Crawdad necklace.
5. Cinco de Mayo
Origin: The Mexicans won something, yay! It was over the French, too. No, not in soccer. Much easier, over the French Navy.
Positives: Tequilla. Margaritas. Chips and Salsa. More Mexican food. Worms. Mexian Independence Day (What? It is not. Why then? This is stupid. Tequilla?). Burros.
Negatives: Mexicans. Driving around in circles on "the strip." Montazuema's revenge. Even the girls have mustaches. You will have to go out with coworkers.
Most memorable: Killing Coronas at Sully's with Gimble and Gabe.
Quote: "Cinco de Drinko." -Douchebags.
6. New Years
Originally: Someone created an arbitrary calender that will end in 2012. Jehovah, no?
Positives: You best drink Champagne. Everyone is looking for a kiss. Fireworks you don't control. Resolutions ("Don't fuck fat chicks, ftw"). Fresh slate. Up in the club. Bowl games. Play with Christmas toys. If this doesn't work, we'll just re-do it whenever the Chinese New Year's comes around. Balls finally drop.
Negatives: You thought All Hallows Eve was cold? You will be hungover the next day and your grandmother will make a shit-ton of the wrong food. Resolutions (don't get date-raped). Blowing resolution within hours ("I said no fat chicks"). Capital One Car Bowl, fuck, I forgot the Orange Bowl is now on Wednesday. You will stumble upon Lou Holtshz.
Memorable: Vomiting on the RFTA.
Quote: "This year, no arrests." -Chubbs
Honorable Mention: Memorial Day (kick-off to summer), Labor Day (special to my heart because CSU-CU), Snow Days (hoping for Fire Day in CA), Brew Fest (in FOCO), Mountain Fair (hippies and tubing). My birthday, as stated by Miss Hartman, is clearly numero uno. Duh.
The holliday that needs to step up: Thanksgiving
Origin: Lots of people starved to death, let's make sure we eat, in one day, the amount those suckers ate in a year.
Positives: FOOOOD. TURKEY. Football. Seconds. Thirds. Pie. Wine. More football. Turducken. Madden.
Negatives: Family, way too much family. Too full to drink much beer. I have to watch the Lions, fuck. Macy's Parade my ass? Fourths?
Most memorable: Trying to kill 17 bottles of wine between about 13 people.
Quote: "You want the gizzard?" -My grandfather, every year, multiple times.
Step it up this year, America. Inject that Turkey with Jaeger. Do it.
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