The Weekend Sack-Up: A Charlie Brown Christmas

Yes, that above picture is pretty much what the Broncos have done to me in each of the last three years. Look at how professional it is.

I should have know better. I should just stop watching, like my parents have (they went whale watching, didn't see one, and still had a better day than me). I even told Boyle that they were going to make it close and then break my heart. Just like I called it last week. Yet they keep pulling me back. Next week I will wake up to watch the early games, convince myself the Broncos have a chance, only to get kicked in the gut at the last possible instant. I should try heroin, as it might be far easier to catch the dragon than be happy with the Broncos.

-Edy pointed out on his Tweeter page that the Broncos defensive celebration is pretty much "N-gga's gotta eat," and Darrell Reid's Twitter seconds that notion. This was the best moment of the game, as he celebrates the fumble he forced that allowed Denver back into the game. I take special pride in the fact that I Tweeted: "Fumble on the kickoff. I'm callin it" only to have it happen just seconds later. I really am Nostradamus.

(Alternate caption was something akin to "Look at my JFK Jr. impression", but I couldn't actually go there. See, I do have a bit of a moral compass. Plus it isn't really current. I'm glad there haven't been any plane crashes lately)

(I wish Twitter would pay me five bucks per mention)

-Yeah, and then this happened. The Savaged joke is due to the fact that the punter's name is Sav Rocca. What a great porn name.

-Excuses are for assholes, and I am an asshole, so:

1. For at least the second straight game, the Broncos opponent wasn't called for one holding penalty. Wicked awesome. And then, with the Broncos pinned deep and the season on the line, the refs threw two flags for holding on the Broncos. Justified, yes, but I am sure the Eagles held at least once.

2. Questionable penalties on Champ and Wesley Woodyard (even Fuckwad Simms Sr. said he didn't see a thing) kept alive an Eagles drive, that gave them their only TD in the second half.

3. There was that little rape that kinda pissed Stokes off

4. And then they tossed him for barely slapping a ref's pinkie.

5. Why did the clock stop after Orton's run with 1:50 left in the game? The Eagles declined the penalty and didn't take a time out. Should have been about 1:10 left when the Broncos punted. Not really a big deal, but the refs were fucking up all day long. Glad the Broncos got a marquee crew.

-This game should be another example of why going for it on fourth down is good. Denver has a 4-and-4ish on there own 13. DeSean Jackson is a great returner. Mitch Berger sucks my balls. Why don't the Broncos go for it? Even changing the field 40 yards in that situation barely takes the Eagles out of field goal range. Giving them the ball at the 45 or the 15 isn't much of a difference with 1:50 left.

It may actually have improved the Denver situation, as you basically have four outcomes after the 3rd down play:
1) What happened.
2) Denver punts and the Eagles take over at midfield. Denver stops them and the game goes to OT.
3) Denver goes for it, gets the first down and then is able to keep control of the clock/drive for a score.
4) Eagles get the ball, in field goal range. Eagles probably don't do anything much on offense, just run it three times and kick a field goal. Denver gets the ball back after the kickoff with about a minute left.

We know the offense has the upper hand in the NFL, so I would rather take my shot at picking up four yards rather than give Donovan McNabb the chance to pick up about 10 yards.

Random Celebrity Shit: So Wild Thing Vaughn Charlie Sheen was arrested in Aspen for beating up his wife, yet I had to see his an goddamn awful Hanes commercials non-stop during the game. Yet El Tigre can't be found. Uhhhh?

On one hand you have: A) a decent actor who is a woman-beater, drug-abuser, adulterer, child-porn loving asshole who made me feel sympathy for retarded Denise Richards by leaving her a voicemail threatening to kill her and calling her the N-bomb illogically, or: B) the best golfer in the world who happened to bang everything that moved and killed a fire hydrant.

Seems the obvious choice to sell me underpants is option A. I would never want to buy a razor because of that other asshole. AMERICA you need to figure your shit out.

Avalanche: While the Broncos consistently kick me in the taint, the Avs are as annoyingly bi-polar. They kick ass one night, then blow a two-goal lead in the last 10 minutes of regulation, then come back to kick ass again. Still, they are first in the division, which is pretty damn unexpected. Chris Stewart is killin' it. And he is black. So guess who my new favorite player is? Fooled ya. It is still Matty Duchene, but Stewie's awesomeness has been crucial for the Avs in the last 20 games.

Nuggets: Not really a big fan of what they have been up to. JR finally going off is nice, but the fact that Chauncey is banged up makes me worry. We need to get another big man as well. More to come soon when I discuss the first-1/3 of the NBA season with the Ice Cream Edy.

Go Fuck Yourself: I'm going to try to add this in every week.  I am going to tell someone to fuck off. This week, it is Stan Van Gundy:

Hey Stan,

Remember when you bitched about the NBA playing games on Christmas. You actually said:

"I actually feel sorry for people who have nothing to do on Christmas Day other than watch an NBA game."

Well, go fuck yourself. Most of us are sick of talking to our families and need something to fill the awkward gaps. Like when I don't know what to say to my soon-to-be step Grandma, you know what fills the gap? Screaming at Kobe.

So sad you didn't get to spend time with your family like you wanted to, but you probably should have thought of your family before you signed up to coach in a sport where you play 82 FUCKING regular season games a year. By the way, Stan, you make millions. You can afford to have Christmas like 30 times a year.

Like any NBA players want to have Christmas off anyway. They would be like Vince Vaughn and Reece Witherspoon in 4 Christmases. Which illegitimate family are they going to choose? Isiah Jr.'s baby momma or Isiah II? Like they want to see Taneshwa again so she can serve them more paternity papers? No way. They can't be in Harlem, San Diego and Houston in the same day. There are greater odds that an NBA player will be in the same town with his child IF they are sent on the road.

GO FUCK YOURSELF

P.S. You look like Ron Jeremy.


Colorado State: Covered in my previous pregaming post. Let's beat some Fresno ass like we are in New Mexico, ya dig?


Joel Dreessen balled out for the Oilers Texans today. Bawse.


Tweet of the Week: The Mike Donovan: "A horse finished second in the voting for AP female athlete of the year! A horse! Congrats Serena you beat a friggin horse."

In Da Club: Not too much going down. Some fool from the Nebraska coaching staff offered me tickets to the Holliday Bowl to sneak into the club. I have to work that night, so no dice for him. Apparently we always charge $50 a head when busy. That is mucho dinero.


New Year's Eve should be awful fun. Awful in that it will be redonkulessly busy with shit shows all over. Fun in that I expect someone to offer me hundreds of dollars to come in.

As well, my boss says that I should basically expect to get raped by drunken girls. Which, depending on the situation and looks of the girl, could range wildly on the enjoyment scale. Whether or not you care, I will share.


This Week: NBA update with Edy and hopefully some new Jersey Shore action.

Shout-out: To Kilometers, for his awesome birthday gift that I finally put into action. The African-American Heritage Game for Kids is now an awesome drinking game. Boyle and I put our heads together and drunkeness exploded. Bong couldn't handle the punishment and spent this morning imitating a dragon.

Pregaming Post-Analysis: UCLA

I was able to make a quick trip up to the City of Angels last week to watch CSU choke against UCLA. Which was a bummer. But I salvaged the trip by getting drunk and spreading my reputation as the Greatest Drunken Athlete of All-Time. Here are some quick highlights of trip and some ideas if you plan on ever pregaming there.

Before this trip all I knew about UCLA was from sports and Facebook stalking the one girl from the Dale who went there. Now, having spent less than 24 hours there while the school is out on Christmas break, I am pretty much an expert.

-There are a whole lot of Asians. Which was fitting, because the only CSU person still in LA was the Azn, and I was meeting up with her.

-Here is a revelation no one has ever had: LA traffic sucks. The 405 blows. I sat on it for quite a while. I would suggest avoiding it, if possible. Might be quicker to circumvent the world in the other direction.

-When it gets dark in LA, I get lost really easily. One time Kilometers and Mr. No-Longer-Invited drove around in circles trying to find Occidental. I did this again while trying to get back to UCLA while on a beer run.

-Obviously I am a God amongst mortals when it comes to drinking games, but even I was surprised at how impressive I was at Beruit after not playing it since very early September. In my first game I made five straight cups in rebuttal, and then all three in overtime. Probably my greatest individual beer pong comeback. Somewhere John Elway-God looked on from above and smiled. The fact that my performance came against some frat boys made me even happier.

-UCLA sucks this year at basketball, yet they still wanted to charge $40 a ticket. Go fuck your own nostrils. We ended up bribing a security guard to let four people in for $40 total. There were probably 30 CSU fans there, and 8,000 UCLA ones.

-I was also thoroughly unimpressed with Pauley Pavillion. Semi-Mobyish with a lot less goofy charm. A little more claustrophobic, except on one end where they have no stands behind the basket for like 30 feet. It was strange, and almost high schoolish. Every other facility at UCLA was fucking amazing. I wandered around for a while and the tennis courts almost made me want to wear some fagtastic Capri pants and mimic that little Spanish fruit Rafa Nadal.  ALMOST.

-CSU was in control of the game, but UCLA remembered who they were and asserted dominance while CSU panicked. It was too bad, as I could have one day told my grandkids about the time I watched CSU's basketball teams beat the great UCLA Bruins. I'll probably just lie and say I was starting center for the Rams.

-You can drink alcohol at UCLA football games, but I don't think so at basketball games. But UCLA also plays games at the Rose Bowl, not on campus.

-We pregamed at the Sigma Nu frat house. There were five people there total. It houses about 40 normally. Would be a fun house to party and pregame at for a big basketball game, as it has some big rooms and even a semi-basketball court in it's courtyard. I guess Andrew Bynum crashed a party there a couple years ago.

-I looked at a few composites of the classes, ranging from 1982ish-now, and while some years were missing, and I didn't look that closely, I noticed that until about 1995 the pictures were almost all white (some white people with hispanish names). To counteract, of the three people left while I visited, there was one whitey, one Polynesian and one Arabic person. To reinforce stereotypes, the whitey went to bed and the other two played videogames.




What did I learn: UCLA probably isn't the biggest party school, I'm still cool, I need an Iphone for directions and if possibliy racist frats can change, so can I. Or something.

Sports: I Give Thanks

As I pointed out in my splendidly narcissistic post about why I can't sleep, sports are my escape from the problems/issues in the real world that make me restless. Even though I spend much of the space in this blog trashing on teams/people and focusing on the suck (especially lately), I love sports. So, as a prelude to Thanksgiving, I will be filling this blog post with videos and websites about sports that I love.

If you are bored (especially at a job where they haven't blocked Youtube yet) this should keep you entertained for quite a while. Yep, this all makes me very happy. I don't even care that this took me hours, searching Youtube and watching all sorts of random shit.Happy thanksgiving, and please post any videos you love here or on my wall. Enjoy:

John Elway: John Elway leading the drive. I still own this video, and the 1986 "Mile High Champions" videotape, and I nearly wore both out watching them every Saturday and Sunday growing up. John Elway was my first true love and I always ask WWJED (What Would John Elway Do=Procrastination). I know Elway has been kind of dick in his personal life (and to Mr. Moorman, a story I may ask him to post on here sometime), but I don't care. Jesus had his share of problems, and he has done alright for himself.


 Brace for a blog explaining the Church of Elway (aka Elwayology).

Christianity has Jesus on a cross,  Elwayology has John leaping in between two Packers.



Gilbert Arenas: Best game-winning shot ever. Raising the arms before it even drops. I love me some Melo and JR, but that is just bad ass.


But that is not all that makes Gil great. There was the blog, which was just fantastic. Even while struggling through injury, he was entertaining. At the beginning of this season he was being surly and trying to avoid talking to the media, thinking it would help him focus. It didn't work, and it just wasn't Gilbert. Then this happened:

Agent Zero Pilot from Gilbert Arenas vs Agent Zero on Vimeo.

What other NBA player would do this? Not many, as they, or the people that run their lives, are too image conscious.

DeShawn Stevenson: "I watch gangster flicks and root for the bad guy, turn it off before it end because the bad guy die." -50 Cent. That is how I feel about my boy DeShawn. He is crazy. Insane in the membrane, but he captivates me.


I really fell in love after watching this video, with him and Gilbert betting thousands of dollars against each other in a post-practice 3-point shootout. Gil shot one-handed from college range, D-Steve regular from NBA range. NBA players from every team may do this, but it seems like the Wizards are the only ones who would have it filmed, thanks to Dan Steinberg at the DC Sports Bog and Bullets Forever. I need to make this blog as awesome as those.

Colorado State: When I feel really down about CSU sports I have a few videos I love to watch, especially this one.


And this one:

And I always enjoy Robert Herbert fucking bitches up. Oh what could have been if he didn't steal credit cards.


A little D.A.:


Eric Berry: All I want is Eric Berry to be a Bronco next year. Trade everyone for him, I don't care.





Hockey Fights: Red Wings-Avs, the best rivalry I have ever seen. If I ever meet Darren McCarty I am buying him a drink. Why? So that alcoholic motherfucker falls off the wagon. What a flamboyant cheap pussy. Oh, but what entertainment.

I love Roy kicking Vernon's ass.

This one is good too: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0alqGVE9ipg

Joe Sakic's lone fight. "How do you like them apples, Gilmore."


Oh, Phadouche:


Peter Forsberg: Man he was good.


For more Avalanche love, go to Mile High Hockey.

Best Commercial Ever?

Fernando Torres: Just watching this video made me go out and play a few games of FIFA.

The Weekend Sack-Up: Well, that fucking blew (Nuggs excluded). Let's talk drinking holidays

"Happy Halloween, buddy. Trick or treat? I have nothing sweet for your ass this year, so I guess trick it is? How about a..." (Backhanded slap in the balls) "...nice Sack-tap?"

Yes, for Halloween this year the universe decided it would take a nice, steaming-hot, growling crap on my sports teams. Not content, it rubbed my face in this metaphorical mess by forcing me to take a seat on the sideline during the third best drunken holiday of the year (this was much better for me to think about than shitty football teams and I spend more time on it below). Yep, while everyone else in the nation was gallivanting around dressed as a slutty Holocaust survivor or a dead Mike Jackson (oddly similar, those two costumes) I was forced to wear Punisher-style face paint while breaking up fights and tossing drunks out the bar.

In addition, the Rams got out-passed by Air Force, Ed Reed made the Broncos his bitch and the Avalanche bubble appears to have burst. If it wasn't for Uber-Melo dropping 40-plus on fools nonchalantly, I would be bleeding from my wrists whilst I hung (because I cut my myself trying to climb onto the roof in order jump off onto some knives). Not really, I have Vegas to look forward to at the end of the week. No one kills themselves before they go to Vegas, they do that after.

Here are my quick recaps of the weekend:
CSU vs. Air Force: Our pass defense is awful. Your 7-on-7 flag football team would stand a good chance of putting up 35 points on the Rams right now. CSU gets no pressure, the linebackers might as well be dummies standing still six-yards behind the line and the cornerbacks are so small Darren Sproles could post them up. If they all manage to do their jobs, don't worry, our awesome fourth-string safety will miss the vital tackle to give up a first down. UHHHHHHHH.

-We are really close to making a lot of big plays, we just aren't finishing. We have probably had about 10 offensive plays in the last few games where all we needed was another block ,a better cut or a better thrown pass to score a TD, instead of just getting a big play. We were making those plays earlier this year and at the end of last year, but not anymore.

I counted at least four plays yesterday where lineman missed a block downfield that would have allowed a big play to turn into six points, but we just missed out. Sonny's teams never seemed close to making big plays in the last years, at least this Fairchild version seems close to breaking out. Just lacking a little confidence necessary to make it happen. This weekend, please? The defense just needs to really work for one or two turnovers, and the offense better try and score at least 36.

Broncos vs. Ravens: Dear Ben Hamilton,
Those assholes dressed in purple are trying to sack that drunk guy with the football behind you. Try and stop them please.
Good talk,
Matt.


-We are gonna have to take more shots downfield against teams bringing the heat. A little too cautious. Ironic, considering the last two Broncos QBs were vilified for throwing too many picks, but AN interception isn't the worst thing ever as long as it doesn't become a habit, Kyle.

Actually, judging Orton based on the BAC-level maybe we shouldn't even let him try it once. Like meth.

-Ray-Ray has was involved in this vicious slaughter, but only claims to have been a mild participant while someone else (Ed Reed and Jarret Johnson) cut the bitch.

-Amber Alert: Small, white male. 14. Name: Brandon Stokely. Last seen: Approximately in the San Diego end zone.

-NO, Shon:

-Thanks for showing bull riding in the AM on CBS and Dean Martin infomercials in the PM on Fox. Instead I got to pillage the interweb for claymation-looking NFL action all day. It was awesome. If the NFL TV Contract was a person, chocking to death, I would perform an emergency tracheotomy with a Bic pen, only to slowly fill up the breathing hole with Skittles. TASTE THAT RAINBOW!


Best drinking holliday: Obviously things got a little emotional there, I need to move on. So, in order to take my mind off the weekend I will rate the best nights/days of the year for Kyle Orton and myself to get all sorts of shitty. Drinking holidays ftw:

1. Fourth of July
Originally: When America was born, or something.
Positives: Summer. It is warm and drinking can commence ASAP (in the morning, especially). Fireworks, fuck yeah. America, fuck yeah. Rest of Team America song, fuck yeah. Don't have to spend it with family. Don't have to travel to visit family. Bar-B-Que. Rafting. You only miss 1 of 162 baseball games. Rafting (or at least I do, poor people go to pools).
Negatives: You get all sweaty. Sometimes happens mid-week. Blowing off your hand. The Itis. Only sport is baseball and no one puts the TV outside. Everyone bitches out a 10pm.
Most memorable moment: Blacking our while rafting the Colorado through Glenwood Canyon. Splashing people who didn't want to get wet.
Quote: "Remember that one time we went rafting and didn't get wet? Not anymore," -Me, as I splashed some tourists with a bucket full of water. I love me some me.

2. St. Patrick's Day
Origin: Something about snakes and drinking until you want to join the IRA.
Positives: Carbombs. Guinness. Jameson. Green Beer. Rubens. March Madness. Spring Break. Bagpipes. Pub Crawls. Green clothes. Blacking out strongly encouraged.
Negatives: Pinching. Seems like it is always on a Wednesday. Irish people feel special and brave the sunlight. Celtics gear deemed appropriate for society.
Most memorable: Louis disappearing for a few hours in Breck. Shit was risky when he returned and that pizza was loaded with Mushrooms. What?
Quote: "I am seeing everything in 4-D," -not me.

3. Halloween
Originally: Something about Saints, then for little kids to get candy. Now, drunken hook-ups with people you will always refer to by their costume (Bumble bee gave you head?).
Positives: An excuse to dress as your repressed sexual urge. Slutty costumes that make no sense but you don't have to think about that, just enjoy that sexy nun. Racially/culturally insensitive costumes. Anonymous furry sex. Candy and alcohol. It now takes up the better part of a week.
Negatives: Anonymous furry sex. Date rape. It is pretty cold and you aren't usually wearing a lot of clothes. These fags at the door want candy or a trick, wtf? That big black guy who thinks your Carlton costume is more racist than funny. Getting drunk and going out might mean you miss college football, World Series, NFL, NBA and NHL games, multitasking while dressed as Oscar the Grouch isn't easy. MonsterMash. You need like four costumes now.
My memorable: A lap-dance while dressed as a New Orleans looter from Tinkerbell while Wilfred Brimley and Hunter S. Thompson looked on .
Quote: "Indiana Jones (Sailor) just yakked in a beer bottle, you gotta go."-Bouncer, Tony's.

4. Mardi Gras
Origin: Arbitrary fasting preceded by belligerence. Show me your tits!
Positives: Trading $1 worth of beads for tits. Gumbo. Hurricanes. Jambalaya. Debauchery.
Negatives: The next day, which is an F-ing Wednesday. The next 40 days if you are an idiot (Read: Catolick). Weird masks. Ugly, frumpy tits. Guys who think the reverse is true (Whipping out dicks is never cool). It is a Tuesday, why is the bar crowded?
Most memorable: Having the death virus and actually skipping a party for once. Somehow Stubbs, Razzle and Fily's Blunt combining to knock a keg into our wall.
Quote: "Rock, aka Cold as Fuck." -Me,  introducing my awesome, semi-homemade Crawdad necklace.

5. Cinco de Mayo
Origin: The Mexicans won something, yay! It was over the French, too. No, not in soccer. Much easier, over the French Navy.
Positives: Tequilla. Margaritas. Chips and Salsa. More Mexican food. Worms. Mexian Independence Day (What? It is not. Why then? This is stupid. Tequilla?). Burros.
Negatives: Mexicans. Driving around in circles on "the strip." Montazuema's revenge. Even the girls have mustaches. You will have to go out with coworkers.
Most memorable: Killing Coronas at Sully's with Gimble and Gabe.
Quote: "Cinco de Drinko." -Douchebags.


6. New Years
Originally: Someone created an arbitrary calender that will end in 2012. Jehovah, no?
Positives: You best drink Champagne. Everyone is looking for a kiss. Fireworks you don't control. Resolutions ("Don't fuck fat chicks, ftw"). Fresh slate. Up in the club. Bowl games. Play with Christmas toys. If this doesn't work, we'll just re-do it whenever the Chinese New Year's comes around. Balls finally drop.
Negatives: You thought All Hallows Eve was cold? You will be hungover the next day and your grandmother will make a shit-ton of the wrong food. Resolutions (don't get date-raped). Blowing resolution within hours ("I said no fat chicks"). Capital One Car Bowl, fuck, I forgot the Orange Bowl is now on Wednesday. You will stumble upon Lou Holtshz.
Memorable: Vomiting on the RFTA.
Quote: "This year, no arrests." -Chubbs

Honorable Mention: Memorial Day (kick-off to summer), Labor Day (special to my heart because CSU-CU), Snow Days (hoping for Fire Day in CA), Brew Fest (in FOCO), Mountain Fair (hippies and tubing). My birthday, as stated by Miss Hartman, is clearly numero uno. Duh.


The holliday that needs to step up: Thanksgiving
Origin: Lots of people starved to death, let's make sure we eat, in one day, the amount those suckers ate in a year.
Positives: FOOOOD. TURKEY. Football. Seconds. Thirds. Pie. Wine. More football. Turducken. Madden.
Negatives: Family, way too much family. Too full to drink much beer. I have to watch the Lions, fuck. Macy's Parade my ass? Fourths?
Most memorable: Trying to kill 17 bottles of wine between about 13 people.
Quote: "You want the gizzard?" -My grandfather, every year, multiple times.


Step it up this year, America. Inject that Turkey with Jaeger. Do it.