I welcome my readers to this preseason, first week semi early in the year NBA preview on Sackrilegious. Again, I welcome Mr. Trevor Edy to discuss the NBA (Remember this Nuggs Preview from about 2 months ago? Neither do I. Blame is on Edy, more on that later). I welcome him like you welcome Jehova's Witnesses into your house. Reminder: he speaks in Italics, because that is the way I imagine his French ancestors spoke. I speak in the noble font you know as normal.
This is a little all over the place, but is that really surprising in any way?
When life gives you hate, make Haterade.
When prompted to write about the NBA by a friend, recycle jokes from freshman year. Glad you're bringing the A-game.
We need to give Ty Lawson some love: He is quick. Both Edy and I forgot to mention him during our Nuggets preview, and that was inexcusable. Again, I blame AC, whose suckiness melted my brain. A back-up point guard who comes in and changes the pace of the game, but in a good way. Egads! This does work better than a turnover machine.
This is a little all over the place, but is that really surprising in any way?
When life gives you hate, make Haterade.
When prompted to write about the NBA by a friend, recycle jokes from freshman year. Glad you're bringing the A-game.
We need to give Ty Lawson some love: He is quick. Both Edy and I forgot to mention him during our Nuggets preview, and that was inexcusable. Again, I blame AC, whose suckiness melted my brain. A back-up point guard who comes in and changes the pace of the game, but in a good way. Egads! This does work better than a turnover machine.
Something we failed to address in the last post. Ty Lawson is going to have me saying “Is this real life????” (insert kid from dentist video) many times this season. He looks like a cross between Sherron Collins and Mateen Cleaves, but has game like Chris Paul, already. You know what this means, less minutes for AC-eeeeeeeeeee. AC can go take his green hummer and shove it up his ass… from the bench, of course.
Most hated player in the league: LeBron. I really seem to dislike him and the fact that everyone seems to love him. Ginobli is also up here, but the LeBron love gets to me. Guess what? That bitch hasn't won anything yet, but everyone keeps putting him up as the best player ever. He has barely done anything better than Melo and has achieved less than D-Wade. Plus, he is a fucking dick.
Not shaking hands after the loss to the Magic is a total bitch move. You lost to a better TEAM, give them some respect. Don't run off and refuse to talk about it. You want to be the highest paid athlete ever and you constantly appear in TV commercials hawking car insurance or some other dumb shit, annoying the piss out of me, but when things go bad you hide. It doesn't work that way Bron-Bron. You gotta take the good with the bad.
Such a bitch. A 6'9" 250-pound man, who, as far as I recall, has never been called for a charge, despite flying to the basket like Brian Dawkins after a receiver. Always bitching about the refs. It makes me sick. I want to be able to cheer for you, being such a freak-of-nature and arguably the most athletic person on the planet, but you are too conceited for me, which is really saying something.
Two words: Sasha Vujacic. Two more words: Douche Bag. If you don’t agree with me on this, well… fuck you. This guy might as well wear a giant pussy on his face. I can just see him doing an ‘Always’ pad commercial telling women to “have a happy period.” This is not out of the realm of possibility.
Quick game: Which of these pictures is actually Trevor Edy, and not some douchebag? Answer below.
Trevor, on Facebook, dubbed me the Sasha Vujacic of his friend's circle. That is the most fucked up thing anyone has ever said to me. Trevor could abort my baby from the womb of Betty Draper and I would not be as upset at him as I am over that slight.
He later recanted a bit, to say that "If my circle of friends was the Lakers, you would be Sasha." Oh, that is so much better. So then I called him the Luke Walton of my friend circle (in Laker terms), and also the Eric Byrnes overall in sports terms. Look at him: the abhorrent whiteness, the former long-flowing bleach blond locks, the fake hustle and, most of all, the shit-talking with absolutely nothing to back it up. If this blog takes some ugly swipes at Edy the rest of the way, remember that he called me Sasha Vagania-cic and you will understand my anger.
Plus, Edy was supposed to have this preview done weeks ago, but he is the biggest slacker since Kwame Brown. He even promised to work on it as a birthday present to me, and then didn't do shit. Cost me two weeks at least on this NBA preview because he "couldn't get his Bill Simmons on." Would the real Trevor Edy please separate stand up?
Answer: All of the above are Douchebags. You're on thin ice as resident NBA expert, former-pal.
All right, it is actually Edy in the middle, dressed as Aaron Carter for Halloween. On a related note, Mr. Edy, that is certainly a Man-Code violation. Your Man-Card has been suspended.
Some good came out of this exchange, however: We decided that our Laker friend, Cartman Molloy, would obviously be Shannon Brown. According to a former Cavs and CSU staffer, Brown was the dumbest person he ever met. He would go on road trips and pack nothing but his warm-ups, meaning he had to wear a robe or jersey for most of the trip.
Shannon Brown minus the really athleticism part. If the shoe fits. (Quote generated from Edy text messages).
Favorite non-Nugget: I have Gilbert Arenas. He is my boy. Everything that I would want to be as a player. Quick. Quirky. A hard worker. Deadly jumper. One of the few guys in the league who can be a top-flight scorer and also be among league leaders in assists. He is bawse (/Tommy Joiner).
Surprise team: Washington Wizards. Arenas is back. I watched some highlights, and that fucker is quick again. He isn't talking crazy shit either. The team has enough depth for anyone in the East, the young guys got time last year. Leadership from Antwan, Tuff Juice and Gil. Flip Saunders is a decent coach and will turn a 19 win team into at least the second round of the playoffs, pushing 50 wins. This is biased because I love the Bullets, but they are due. I think if they match up with the Cavs it is possible they shock them and force Bron out of Cleveland. The East is a crap shoot of overrated teams anyway.
*The Wiz have not really started out gangbusters, so this prediction looks really stupid. But Gil just brought back Agent Zero, and if you have ever watched a movie, you know the montage of winning is just around the corner. Right?
You know that one girl at the party that you know is going to be either (a) passed out on the couch at the end of the night, (b) end up being part of a “Birmingham Booty Call,”or (c) telling everyone “I’m so classy” as her boob flies out of her tube top. You know one of these three things will happen, you just don’t know when. Just like, you know Arenas is going to get hurt, it might not be tomorrow or next week, but it WILL happen. The team will fold without him, just like they do every year. I think Flip Saunders is a great coach, but he is in a tough position. They have solid players, a good mix of crafty veterans and rising young stars, even have a leading candidate for my NBA first-team all-ugly, Mike Miller… and, uhhh, Sam Cassell (a perennial addition into the all-ugly team) is an Assistant Coach. I’m done here.
He had knee surgery, it takes a couple years to come back from. It is the same injury as K-Mart, Amare and tons of other guys have had. Two years recovery, brother. Gilbert trained all offseason with Jordan's guy in Chicago. Barring someone rolling into his knee again, he will be fine. If we are going by your analogy, about girls at parties, he is the hot girl at the party who, for whatever stupid reason, ends up hooking up with a douchebag who treats her wrong. She loses confidence, gets out of the dating game for a while, but after some therapy and time to fix her life, she will come back into the game wiser and will make some guy's life (I imagine this is how Rihanna and I will end up together). That analogy was rough, but I still don't understand why I would want to talk on a cell phone that was up some chick's ass. Crazy Kappas.
However, I think Houston is going to be a major surprise out of the Southwest division. In a recent win at Utah, they had eight guys in double figures. They are really an all around team with a good coach (Rick Adelman). Shane Battier, a guy that this blog has come to admire, was a +36 in the +/- that game. Pretty incredible in a 113-96 win.
Houston is going to suck my balls. No playoffs. Sorry. T-Mac is their hope and it won't happen. They have bad ju-ju. If you think Gil is the girl about to lose her shit at the party, Houston is the sororstitute that have been drinking since noon, whose sole plan in life is to get pounded by someone cool. We all know how that ends: Mickeys and Blunts, your basement, Ronnie Aguilar and some poor little blond girl. Not a pretty sight, I must say: Houston will have a problem this year.
No doubt in this category. Have to love OKC. What’s not to love? Kevin Durant is the future of the league. Plus, that Hyperize commercial slays me every time it comes on.
I wanted you to write a preview ala Bill Simmons, not parrot him. But yeah, OKC really is the best choice. Fuck that Bawstahn fucktahd for stealing all the good talking points.
Most hated Nuggs opponent that we haven't heard much about (and that you think the team would hate the most): More who we suspect will become a thorn in the Nuggets side. Like Russell Westbrook or OJ Mayo, after his 40 point blow up earlier this year. Like how Scott Hairston hits a bomb against the Rockies every fucking game, but sucks against everyone else. JJ Berrea is kinda like that. I gotta go with Trevor Ariza. Everyone gives Kobe credit, but Ariza was a straight punk last season to the Nuggs, fucking our shit up. He played Melo as well as anyone one-on-one (or as close to it as anyone does, because don't no one guard Melo one-on-one)...
"I don't really think it's possible to have a 'Melo stopper," Anthony said. "No team in the NBA will just let me play one-on-one against them. They just won't do it."...and he managed to score enough points to piss me off. Now he is a Rocket. Awesome. With him and Battier the Rockets will piss Melo off enough that he might Kufi slap some more fools (ht: Rory).
Going out on a limb here and saying Luke “Pretty Boy” Walton. He’s already been going back and forth with our man, Renaldo Balkman, in the early stages of the preseason. I see plenty of jawing in the future for these two. Obviously both teams have some beef to settle after last year’s playoff series. This will again be ignited this year.
I hope to God that Balkman or someone smacks that Grateful Dead loving bitch in the face. If AC does it, he earns a reprieve from my hate. Do it A.C.
Will any NBA player challenge Ron-Ron Artest for Starbury Memorial Award and at what moment and how will Artest derail the Lakers? 1) Depending on what happens with this S-Jack situation, he could do some shit. Iverson could blow up Memphis (called it). T-Mac might injure himself in some creative way, like Houston the rapper/singer.
I think Artest takes a really bad T in close game, blowing a game that was about to be another classic Kobe-comeback. From then on the questions start and his play starts to slack. Either that or he becomes the first guy crazy enough to demand that Kobe get him the ball more, and in turn brawls with Kobe, finishing it by ripping the leg of a courtside table and impaling Kobe through the heart.
Why do I have Cleveland winning the championship this year?? Not Shaq, not LBJ.… Ladies and Gentlemen: Delonte West! He is a first-teamer on the NBA All-Neck Tattoo team. I was having a chat with one of my buddies and we were discussing the connection between stupid shit and neck tattoos. The correlation is uncanny. Guys in the L with neck tattoos: Starbury, Delonte, Kmart, Deshawn Stevenson, etc. (also see the “Uh, this is my one phone call, so don’t hang up” team) All guys who at anytime can be pulled over on his crotch rocket with a loaded shotgun (oops, that already happened) and you wouldn’t bat an eye. It makes too much sense. And that’s not even the most outrageous thing that Mr. West has done. Case and point. MR. WEST IS IN THE BUILDING! Anytime your young role player puts out a video like that, you have to know you’re going to be successful this season. …. We can build on this!
The only thing that would make that video better is if Kanye West inturupted it somehow. "Excuse, Delonte West, but Starbury had the greatest meltdown on a webcam ever." Wow, that is glorious.
As for Artest: I don’t see him being the defensive stopper he has been in the past. He just doesn’t fit in the Lakeshow system. Not really sure why they went and changed their chemistry to add a guy who has openly had a homophobic boy band love for their star player. “Mr. Mantrum ”will lose control and eventually cost LA an important game at some point.
Will Blake Griffin ever play a game? Yes, only to rupture his ACL during the jumpball.
Look for many top 10 plays from Mr. Griffin. Side note: ON PAPER, the Clippers are playoff contender. Baron, Eric Gordon, Al Thorton (whom I love), Kaman, Camby, the list goes on. This is like the dream video game team. Too bad for them, they don’t play the games on an 8.5 x 11.
That is paper. Mixing your metaphors there young Edy. You also forgot to mention that Dunleavy is the coach. Doomed.
Will Indiana cut Dauntay Jones before the end of the season? He is not white enough for that franchise.
After watching just one game in which he played. I now know how the rest of the league felt last year.
He is quite the dick. Maybe he can still do the Nuggs a favor and get Chris Paul suspended for another nutsack sucker punch.
Player in the NBA who plays most like yourself: Yao. I am really tall and have decent coordination for my size, but I should be tougher and I should be able to dominate more than I do. I also make dunking really difficult, when it shouldn't be at my height. Solid range to about 15 feet. Players a few inches shorter that are much quicker can own me. Fortunately, I am not a big pussy who is constantly hurt. Sadly, I am a full foot shorter.
Andre Miller, excluding the fact he has the personality of a fish, this one is dead on. He’d rather back down a smaller PG, than take a contested 15 footer. A guy who looks to get his teammates involved first. This may cause problems in Portland, however. Both Andre Miller and Brandon Roy need the ball to thrive… only one ball.
You would pick the whitest black man in the league. I think you play like A.C. You push the ball recklessly, have solid range in close but brick threes, but you hustle all over the place. IF I AM SASHA YOU ARE AC. SUCK ON THAT!
Song that best desribes your Nuggets outlook this season: Don't Wake Me Up- Ya Boy ft. Knock the Hometown Hero.
The only thing that would make that video better is if Kanye West inturupted it somehow. "Excuse, Delonte West, but Starbury had the greatest meltdown on a webcam ever." Wow, that is glorious.
As for Artest: I don’t see him being the defensive stopper he has been in the past. He just doesn’t fit in the Lakeshow system. Not really sure why they went and changed their chemistry to add a guy who has openly had a homophobic boy band love for their star player. “Mr. Mantrum ”will lose control and eventually cost LA an important game at some point.
Will Blake Griffin ever play a game? Yes, only to rupture his ACL during the jumpball.
Look for many top 10 plays from Mr. Griffin. Side note: ON PAPER, the Clippers are playoff contender. Baron, Eric Gordon, Al Thorton (whom I love), Kaman, Camby, the list goes on. This is like the dream video game team. Too bad for them, they don’t play the games on an 8.5 x 11.
That is paper. Mixing your metaphors there young Edy. You also forgot to mention that Dunleavy is the coach. Doomed.
Will Indiana cut Dauntay Jones before the end of the season? He is not white enough for that franchise.
After watching just one game in which he played. I now know how the rest of the league felt last year.
He is quite the dick. Maybe he can still do the Nuggs a favor and get Chris Paul suspended for another nutsack sucker punch.
Player in the NBA who plays most like yourself: Yao. I am really tall and have decent coordination for my size, but I should be tougher and I should be able to dominate more than I do. I also make dunking really difficult, when it shouldn't be at my height. Solid range to about 15 feet. Players a few inches shorter that are much quicker can own me. Fortunately, I am not a big pussy who is constantly hurt. Sadly, I am a full foot shorter.
Andre Miller, excluding the fact he has the personality of a fish, this one is dead on. He’d rather back down a smaller PG, than take a contested 15 footer. A guy who looks to get his teammates involved first. This may cause problems in Portland, however. Both Andre Miller and Brandon Roy need the ball to thrive… only one ball.
You would pick the whitest black man in the league. I think you play like A.C. You push the ball recklessly, have solid range in close but brick threes, but you hustle all over the place. IF I AM SASHA YOU ARE AC. SUCK ON THAT!
Song that best desribes your Nuggets outlook this season: Don't Wake Me Up- Ya Boy ft. Knock the Hometown Hero.
"I started off with them gangsta (people of color) that push and peddle, I Could have robbed some (suckus), could have shot some (Ninjas), but you did it first and look where it got you (sir), we set examples now, ball and watch these hampers pile full of checks, started in the West and world stamped it now, on top of the world, most the time on top of they girl, fuck the assumers, only idiots listen to rumors."
This sounds a lot like Melo, coming up from the hood and now he needs to realize that shit is expected of him. He can be the best in league, or at least he should be. Time to keep it going. Don't get involved in any of that dumb thug shit anymore.
"Sitting on top of the world, if my life's a dream, don't wake me up. I'm in magazines and I'm living it up. I'm on top of the world and I'm blowing up, don't wake me up."
The way the Nuggs played last year and started this season, I am pretty stoked. I don't want them to fall off, I want this to continue. If last season was our dream season, I don't want to see this season turn into a reality where we suck again, and aren't fun to watch.
Prognosticators picking us to fall off, fuck them. Only idiots listen to rumors, or Tim Legler."Tell them haters to pipe down."
Other players on the team need to realize that Melo and Chauncey can take them to the top, but they have to step up their level as well. Too much last year, as we choked against the Lakers, it was just Melo and Chauncey, taking on all five Lakers. Odom, Pau, Ariza and even fucktarded Shannon Brown made big plays. No one on the Nuggs stepped up. That needs to change.
"I'm on my grind, if you not on my level get left behind, take a look up and see where I'm at (Sitting on top of the world)"
“We Ready” By Archie… I think they are ready this year. They will constantly be the “Nobody believed in us except the guys in this locker room” team.
Keith Burns thinks this song is very 1999.
Song that best describes the state of the league: Three blind mice, because of the refs. Get it?
Anything by LMFAO and that LOL (Smiley Face) song by Trey Songz… ever since athletes have been exposed to twitter they all of a sudden feel obligated to tweet like a 12-year-old girl in a chat room who just received another “300 more hours free” AOL CD in the mail. The NBA: Where LMFAO! and LOL! happens.
LMFAO is the tits. Don't dog them. But yes, the smiley face song is perfect for the NBA. Every time that comes on in the club I want to strangle the fucking DJ. Edy wins this penultimate section.
Random Notes: Side note #879 – Our GM came out with this… http://espn.go.com/blog/
Our GM should stick to finding a big man so Nene can play the four.
Predictions: Trevor/Matt
Eastern Southwest: Miami/Orlando
Central: Cleveland/Cleveland
Atlantic: Boston/Boston
Western Southwest: Houston/San Antonio
Northwest: Denver/Denver
Pacific: Los Angeles Lakers/LA Lakers
Eastern Conference Champ: Cleveland/Boston
Western Conference Champ: LA Lakers/San Antonio
NBA Champs: Cleveland/San Antonio
Most Valuable Player: Lebron James/Lebron
Most Valuable Player: Lebron James/Lebron
Rookie of the Year: Brandon Jennings/DeJuan Blair
Defensive Player of the Year: Dwight Howard/Dwight Howard (even if Battier deserves it)
6th Man: Rasheed Wallace/Jason Terry
Most Improved Player: Emeka Okafor/Greg Oden (which big man will suck less)
Surprise Team: Houston/Washington
Surprise Player: Ramon Sessions/Anthony Randolph
Disappointing Team: Dallas/New Orleans
Once again: nicely done guys.. Even though Edy's bad acid-trip prediction of Houston winning the SW is severely misguided
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