The best part of it all? This happened literally seconds after watching the Chargers win in some truely cuntastic fashion. Cinci had just managed to tie up the Chargers and was 15 seconds from going to OT. All they had to do was keep the Chargers in bounds, as SD has no timeouts left. They weren't going to try a 67-yard field goal. Instead the bumblefuck DBs for the Bengals shit themselves and gave up a 15-yard out pattern and Nate Kaeding kicked a fucking bomb to win the game.
When that kick went through I knew the Broncos were going to find a way to lose. It was in the cards. I think I have some theories why:
-God hates me and wants to punish me. Probably for the fact that I habitually masturbate and am generally a bad person. And for making fun of Brittany Murphy (Seriously, her greatest role was as the 3rd lead in Clueless. Gimme a break. Aston Kutcher ditching January Jones for her and then moving on to Demi Moore has got to be the world's biggest Punk'd episode. I think Brittany was going to spill the beans so Aston had to have her killed. Or she was just going to out him for being gay).
-Someone teach the Broncos coaches the Heimlich maneuver. Damn.
-The Broncos defense is all about eating. They mime eating after big plays on defense, Darrell Reid's Twitter talks about not eating lunch or breakfast and going to the game hungry, etc. Well, guess what? JaMarcus' fat ass is always hungry. He is just a big, hungry Bammer. JaMarcus can out eat everybody. He is like that Kobiyashi guy. Mow, Mow, Mow. Always eating. Which is why, as soon as Charlie Frye got KTFO (Cue Chris Tucker: Knocked the FUCK out!) it made perfect sense for the Big Fat QB to come eat everything, especially my dreams.
-The refs sucked donkey balls. D-Reid and the Broncos defensive linemen couldn't eat, especially on that last drive, because they were getting mouth-raped by Raiders lineman. And B-Marsh was held at least two times in the end zone by Raiders cornerbacks, yet got no calls. But Broncos DBs were flagged twice on the last drive to keep it alive. Andre Goodman, what the fuck were you thinking? That pass interference on 3rd-and-29 was really helpful.
Rewatching the last drive, Robert Ayers has a clear shot to go after JaMarcus on the fourth-and-10, but after he beats two guys he gets tackled from behind. No one likes to blame the refs, but sometimes you have to point it out. But the refs didn't run all over the Broncos. The Broncos tackling made the Raiders' backs look like they were Chris Troxel (wonder what happened to that kid) and McLovin trying to stop Adrian Peterson in Red Rover (That is a confusing sentence, but I STICK BY IT.)
-Maybe the Refs had lasers in their eyes.
-Knowshown doesn't know how to score at the goalline. Before the Broncos last field goal, all he had to do on the second down run was outrun the Raiders to the Pylon, but he tried to cut up the field too soon. He can't run over people in the pros and he isn't an everydown back. Please try Peyton Hillis or Lamont Jordon instead. Fuck, those option aren't that great either.
-We lost to this Buzzcock. We don't deserve playoffs.
In the club: Work has been really boring. Only one semi-interesting thing: My boss had to kick out a one-armed man who was punching someone, and all he could think about was how he was going to handcuff him if he had to. A lofty question.
I also got another free night of drinking with my entire work crew. This time I waited until I left the club to black out. Then my boss, trying to show off his impressive Judo skills or something, Karate Kid-style swept my leg, sending me ass over teakettle into a bench. So even if I wasn't blacked out before, I added a concussion and head wound to the equation. Slept like a fucking baby though.
So if this is a little disoriented, it isn't because I was drunk this time, it is just that I now understand how it is to think like Troy Aikman.
CSU Football: On the rise. We just signed a 4-star QB in Pete Thomas. That is ballin' as shit. And he is from ballin' as shit San Diego and going to enroll at CSU for the Spring. I think I should
CU Football: Trending down. CU's ex-QB James Cox may be the newest employee at my club. Any and all comments about the difference of value between CSU and CU degrees can now be throw out the fucking window. A former football player at a "supposedly" better school should have better connections than I, right? Or maybe our schools are basically even, minus the fact that WE BEAT YOUR ASSES AT EVERYTHING THIS YEAR.
CSU Basketball: Trending up. We kicked the Buffs ass and then snuck by some Big Sky teams. 8-3 is already almost better than last season. They go for win #9 tomorrow at UCLA and I will be in attendance. I might just rush the court if we win, even though UCLA sucks. I'll just pretend we beat Bill Walton, Lew Alcindor and John Wooden.
Fact: CSU actually beat UCLA in 1961, a year UCLA went to the final four and was coached by Wooden. Fact: This shocked the shit out of me.
Fact: Jesse Carr is back, which means classic quotes like this one: (/Dwight Schrute)
"It's not like we're playing pud teams, either. We're getting in good games, and everyone's giving us their best shot."
Only someone from Ainsworth, NE would use the phrase "pud teams." Or someone from Carbondale.
Plus they have a sweet reality TV show. Sadly it is one year late to fully capture the greatness that I would have been. My journalism skills would really have shown up. Plus they had some CSU Media basketball game. That would have been my moment to shine. Miles would have asked me to walk on. This blog would be fucking bigger than Club Trillion. Why was I not born one-year later? Why did I graduate in such rapid fashion? I want to go back to college.Or onto an MTV show.
Tweets of the Week:
Tjedy: When faced with a tough decision, ask yourself WWTSD: What Would 'The Situation' Do?
Messiahthadon: @tjedy I think the answer to every question is to take your shirt off
The_Real_Pat: @Messiahthadon and coincidentally, that's how @tjedy solves every problem.
-Again, if you don't have Twitter you are doing it wrong.
Not Jay Cutler: Looks like I should cross Brittany Murphy off my "Famous chicks to bang" list.
Nuggets: Trending down. Get your shit together. 1/3 of the season update with Edy will come soon. Or at his pace, we might be lucky to get it done by the fucking all-star game.
Avs: Semi-upwardslopish. As long as they aren't against the fighting Ovies, the Avs are doing pretty well.
Happy Holidays: I didn't get any of you bastards anything. That is a lie. Someday, when I am rich and famous, you will be the people that get to say "I like Sack when he started out, but that Douchezilla really sold out." So I am giving you the most precious gifts of all: Haughtiness and spite. If those were entities, this blog would be gushing like a fucking gyser.
Merry Birdmas, have a super Shawn Greenuka, a lovely Kwanza Kilpatrick, whatever. Give some gifts and whatnot.
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