Fuck Me, yaknow?

Father forgive me, for I have not played Blogger in a month. This is a tragedy. And during this month, if you haven't noticed, the Colorado sports scene has gone to shit. Coincidence? Fuck the fuck no! God is punishing me for my idle hands and bringing the pain down more fierce than a PUNK*D K-Mart.

(Aside: Good to know JR Smiff is employing a driver that is so retarded he thinks it is a good idea to fuck with K-Mart. I bet this fuckwit drives down I-25 the wrong way at times just to spice things up? Maybe drag races cops? Shhhhhiiiiitttt, maybe JR should get that liscence back.)

I mean, look at the evidence. Since the lil' computer that could died after five years, shit has gone down. I can't talk or keep up on the world o' Sports at all anymore, and everything is now a big pile of FAIL:

A. T-Edy made so much fun of George Karl being lazy and not yelling that he gave him throat cancer. Good effing job. Now George Karl will never be able to yell again, not even as a ghost. So even if George dies and we have his spirit on the sidelines willing us on (ala The Sixth Man) he still won't be able to tell anyone what to do. He will be Gasper the motherfucking Coach, trying to mime in his secrets from beyond.

B. K-Mart is hurt. And not just his feelings. His knee. Fanfuckingtastic. Fortunetly I don't get Altitude, so I only get updates on my Iphizzle telling me how shitty the Nuggs are playing. Losing to the Knicks, goddamnfailtastical. 

C. The Avsalanche are pulling a Bronco.
Dear Calgary,
For Easter we would like to take this nice playoff spot that we spent six months scrambling to get and we'll just wrap it up and place it in your lap.
Sincerely,
The Avs.

P.S. We also just shit all over ourselves and the bed. No clean-up necessary.

Yes, the Avs have overachieved, but I wanted playoff hockey. VS is even back on InDirect TV (Rick Rielly-esque that was) and I might have been able to witness this crazy game of puck-wacking. Now, I will just have to bandwagon onto the Capitals, who will eventually crush my soul.

D. BRADY FUCKING QUINN!!! It wasn't bad enough to have to cheer for that Doucher Jay Cutler before, but now I'm supposed to get excited when this cockhole goes under center. How can I cheer for him? This is like cheering for the racist teams in "Remember the Titans" (or for Nasty, the reverse). The only people happy about this are girls, because he is dreamy. Great, so now we have Tony Homo Jr. competing with Jack Daniels Orton to see who can throw the ball to NOT-BRANDON MARSHALL. Ohhhhhh, I can't wait for that to happen.

-Two positives: 1) We got rid of Christy Simms. 2) Our QBs have yet to rape anyone this offseason.

E. NCAA Basketball: A great season ended with a wimper as we couldn't upset SDSU and then lost to Moorehead State (Kim Khardashian's alma mater, /sad trombone). And the 2nd greatest reality TV show of the year, "Reaching the Peak" is now over. AND MY GD Direct TV knock-off TIVO didn't record the final two episodes. When I might have been on TV because I was at the MWC Tourney (Vegas diary upcoming, don't fret).

And with four teams in the NCAA the MWC failed spectaculary. I was happy to see UNM lose, because the are the worst people in the world, but c'mon, someone needed to make the Sweet Sixteen. Now that there are going to be 96-teams we'll be lucky to get any teams to advance to the New-32? Yeah, great NCAA, now we have to come up with new names. How about the 64-Cash Whores.

F. Huson Street: The Rock of the Rock's pen is out for a while, which means the season will be a little rocky early with Franklin "Rocky" Morales rocking the closers role. You know what helps start a season out on the right foot? Blowing saves early. Based on my luck lately, I am fully prepared.

G. The Roomate went back to Colorado: I mean, he got a better job and now I get to move to the beach two months earlier than expected, but shit, it is never a good sign when a friend moves away. Who else can I play the Black History Drinking Game with?

H. USA Hockey: We lost to Canada. In an athletic competition. I'm still so pissed.


So my only hope is that returning to Blogzejikistan and airing these beefs I will have appeased the Elway-God and his faithful compainion JoeFoppa Sakberg with enough sacrifice, snark and whining to get them to right the ship (Goals: Eric Berry to Bronconation, Avs to playoffs, Nuggs finding D, Rocks not regressing to Hurdle-suck levels).

I promise to figure out ways to pump some blog onto your faces, even if you don't want it. Might as well just take Bobby Knight's advice on rape: just relax and enjoy it.