Wednesday, September 7, 2011

A Whole Lotta Sacks: A Broncos Preview


First off, I would like to thank whatever spiritual leader has yet again allowed football to come back, while ignoring famine in Africa (and all that other bad shit I would know about if I watched the news). Excellent work up there. It is much more important for guys like Donald Driver to win Super Bowls than it is for a couple million Haitians Japanese a couple folks in Myrtle Beach to have houses. Thanks for ending that painful lockout, as now I have something to do on Sunday rather than go to church. Which is why I'm pretty certain that Western religion has this whole "rest on a Sunday" thing wrong. We should rest on Mondays for GOD, in addition to acting like sloths on Sunday for FOOTBALL.

Allrighty that I have that covered, it is time to break down the boys from Sports Authority Field at Mile High Stadium located off Colfax Avenue sponsored by Children's Hospital (If I ever say Sports Authority Field in a non-sarcastic tone, someone slap me).

Quarterbacks: Kyle Orton is our starter. This is met with joy by people who love lukewarm mashed potatoes and a bland steak from Applebees. "Yeah, derp, we won't be terrible derp!" seems to be the rallying cry of many, who would rather the Broncos go 8-8 with Orton, in his contract year, and then roll the dice with Tebow next year (I refuse to believe anyone will ever let Brady Quinn ever start another NFL game). I don't like 8-8, and there is no reason to shoot for that record, even if it might win the AFC West.

We might as well start the Tebow-Jesus, find out if he has anything redeemable and enter the Andrew Luck (shit Kellen Moore, Robert Griffin III, Case Keenum, etc. all sound better than more years of Orton) lottery if he shits the bed. And even if he performs decently and the team still sucks (high probability) we at least gave him a little trade value. Instead, we are paying Orton, Teebs and Quinn around $15 million this season and we will be in basically the same situation next season. Joy.

Running Backs: I don't get the closed book on Knowshon. Maybe he isn't an every down, pounding NFL runner, but how many teams actually have a back like that anymore? (answer, not New England, Green Bay, New Orleans, Indianapolis. You know, just 4 of the best NFL teams in the last five years). He can catch the ball, is shifty, has speed and now with Willis, doesn't have to be a short-yardage back.

Aside: {Now, was he worth a 1st round pick, over pretty much the NEXT 30 GUYS DRAFTED? Nope. Other than the shit sandwich of Robert Ayers, Darcel McBath & Alphonso Smith, I would take almost everyone down to pick 53. Let's just pause and note how fucking bad Josh McDaniels was at picking players...and solemnly swear that we will dick punch him if ever in the same room}

I predict over 1,000 yards rushing for Knowshon, but less than six touchdowns. Willis, he's gonna get about 8 tds on 200 yards.

Spencer Larson will continue to run into everything in front of him with the crown of his helmet because the NFL doesn't give a shit about defenders health (or anyone's health for that matter), just limiting helmet-to-helmet highlight hits so CNN can't replay it 40 times and damage their image.

Wide Receivers: First off, fuck John Fox for keeping only four active recievers (one of whom is Matt Willis) instead of DA. That is fucking stupid /Says guy not at all being a homer.

But the receiving corp should be pretty good this season. We know B-Lloyd and Eddie are studs. Deck is looking like a break out player and even wearing Eddy Mac's number (which oddly hasn't been worn by anyone but white guys since he retired). If Demaryious returns from his injury this and brings anything to the table, we could have one of the best corps in the league. BUT WE NEED MORE DA.

Tight Ends: Fells is dece-piece. Thomas intriguing. Virgil Green can block, I guess. I dunno, if they aren't fat, lazy AND retarded, they can't be any worse than Daniel Graham and Richard Quinn. "McFuckingDaniels" (shakes fist at sky, slumps to knees).

Lineman: Ryan Clady is solid. The rest is a work in progress. Orlando Franklin really looks special, and I don't mean that in a good way. I mean, someone who looks like this...

And does this...

...should not be successful in anything in life. But he is a fucking giant, so there is hope.

These guys better be great, because we all know, whenever there is any pressure, Bumbles McOrton will find a way to run directly at it and then fumble.

Defensive line: This is where there could be some fun. Doom and Gloom is a shitty nickname for what could be such a dynamic force. I predict double-digit sack totals from both (get it? A WHOLE LOTTA SACKS!), but unfortunately, teams will still run right up our asses like a colonoscopy (that last line will be an actual Lil' Wayne line on the Carter 5).  Man, I wish we had a defensive tackle or two. Also, Robert Ayers still technically starts at end and we only get Von down here part-time.

Linebackers: Because Von will be trying to tackle ball carriers and cover tight ends sometimes, which should be fun and in no way makes sense to me. Oh well, I'm not an expert, (unless it is on beer pong, women's soccer and how a rice surplus in Djibouti affects oil prices in Quatar {2 truths, 1 lie}).

Also, DJ Williams is back to miss crucial tackles and make excellent DUIs. Somebody named Joe Mays is our MLB and I hope he is a relative of Willy Mays, or Willy Mays Hayes, but he probably will suck.

Secondary: We have Champ, still, which is nice, plus Andre Goodman. They combined have 23 years experience in the NFL. That is a shit load, and unless they are hitting the HGH hard, not the greatest plan for a league that is always getting faster. But better than Parrish Cox, who was raped so much in coverage last season he apparently thought it was legal.

At safety we have another really old man in B-Dawk, who will prolly try to murder me in my sleep for saying something bad about him, but I'm pretty sure my slow ass could juke him out of his shoes at this point. I kid, as he still makes a few big plays and will lay some wood if you don't see him coming. Joining him is rookie Rahim Moore, who has a great name for the safety spot, if nothing else.

Special Teams: Promise to be special. Drunk Matty P (the irony is not lost on me) is a kindred spirit of mine and boots the ball. The punter is a punter. Royal con queso is a great returner of punts and Cassius Vaughn will look at a lot of balls soaring out of end zones on kickoffs.

Coaching: John Fox is a solid coach who gets a lot out of his defense and just enough out of his offense. I think he will be successful in Denver, but this isn't gonna be one of those rapid turnarounds. This team is too thin up the middle on defense. He is respected around the league, and that is something necessary for Denver after the joke that was McDaniels.

GM: ELWAY-GOD smites all who question him.

OAKLAND: Home. Monday night. Debut for Fox. Elway in stadium. W
CINCINNATI: Road. Rookie QB. Shitty team. W
@Tennessee: Too much hype. Pissed off CJ2K. Healthy Hasselbeck. L
@Green Bay: Champs. L
SAN DIEGO: I hate it, but they own us. L
@Miami: We suck in Florida. L
DETROIT: Stafford injured by Von, Doom. W
@Oakland: Several stabbings in crowd. W
@KC: Shitty schedule. L
NY JETS: Thursday night. Good defense. Close L
@San Diego: L
@Minnesota: Dome. L
CHICAGO: Cutler fucking dies. W
NEW ENGLAND: We own them. Makes no sense. W
@Buffalo: We ridin' high. W
KC: Going out on a heater. W

Final Thoughts: Yup. That's it. 8-8. A nice even record that might lay a foundation for an improvement in 2012, or it sticks us in football purgatory. Orton will be a free agent and is not a Super Bowl caliber QB. We won't have a high draft pick. We won't know what Tebow is capable of. We will be in limbo.

Oh well, at least it should be interesting.

Addendum: (I'm hedging my prediction by saying, if the Broncos start 3-0 and then somehow steal that San Diego game, they will make the playoffs. And I pray to Elway that this happens)

Addendum #2: (If Orton gets hurt and we start Teebus, we go 6-10)

Friday, August 26, 2011

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 4, Episode 4

We last left the Guido Guild in the midst of chaos...D-Na was pulling bitches from the Situation and right out of Vinny's bed, Mike was getting menage-a-blocked whilst getting into a row with Snookers and Ronni & Sammi were dancing the same exact tango as the last three seasons. Tonight, shit almost gets real before the cameras cut out and we have to wait a week to see Situation get crippled.

-"I am an individual." -Lesbi-twin, screaming at Mikey. We don't know this girl's name, but we do know she went down on two JS cast members, so we are now aware that her super-STD is individually named, at least.

-"Me and Deeena tag teamed a girl." Vinny, speaking on the most disappointing Royal Rumble EVAR!

-"My guy, Unit, was banging Ryder, and Snooki got all turned on and started sucking my dick." -Situation. That sentence is beautifully awful.

-Nice fucking hat J-Woww, glad you are making an impact on this show.

-Humetron Don notes that they will resolve all of this drama soon and declare they have never been as close as a family. A family from fucking Bumfucking Temps, Louisiana...that has been incestuously breeding for centuries.

-"At least the carpets are clean today." -Vinny (carpets get munched, but whatevs).

"Lez-be-honest." -Pauly. Then after a little more fun, D-Na, the guy's girl, dissolves into tears at how mean those boys are being... (commercial break) everything is sunshiney. If only Rambo were this efficient in their bickering.

-Snooki tells GeeAnnnee about Mike's assertions, and maturely he realizes Mikey is a lying douche. Not that I trust Snooks, but at least this understanding leads to a great exchange:

"Let's have babies!" -Snook.

"Are you out of your fucking mind?" Ge-An-Knee.

"Fuck yeah." -Snicks.

Good work.

P.S. These folks are sterilized right. We had to agree with that in order to export them, right?

-"Whatever you do, don't take advice from Sammi." -Vinny, BOOM!

-"Keep your nose out of my relationship." -Ron.

"Why don't you keep your relationship out of my nose." -What J-Dubs should have responded. But she doesn't because she is useless on this show.

-"I have my peri-oso." -Deena to the BOSSMAN, in an effort to cover her and Snooks drunkeness.

-"Bring your clothes and your dick." -Snooks advice to Gianni. This leads to her and J-Woww discussing cock molds, and then doing some dickswinging for their boyfriends, offering to compare which steroid sausage is shriveled more.

-If Plan B isn't the abortion pill, according to the Plan B advertisements, then what is this elusive abortion pill...because that would be PLAN A for me. (Get it? /FIFA Sundayed)

-"Vinny, I don't want to screw you." -Some girl, speaking the international language of love.

-"I'm coming home with you." -Random WOP, to Pauly, also speaking this international language called English.

-"That's my phone (pointing at phone)...That's what happens when you take steroids (pointing at Ronald)." -Pauly, referring to angry-at-Sammy-Ron-Ron (happiness lasted 12 minutes, I believe).

-"I don't put pussy on a pedestal. I put it on the couch and on the floor like it belongs." -Ronnaldino, who has build fucking pyramids to the pussy and then destroyed said pyramids like a highly skilled labor Godzilla.

-FIGGGHHH----ahhhh, shit. Mikey and Ron won't finish this until next Thursday Sunday due to ratings. Can't wait to see the Situation get Kanye'd.

Hook-Ups: Niete (think that is Florencian for none).

MVG: Snooki: Drunk, check. Drama, check. Entertaining, check. Drunk, check. Dreaming of dick, check. ON. HER. GAME.

Next Week: Situation beats up Ronnie's hands with his face. He then gets clumsy and hurts his neck in a fall, but it was totally his fault. Lil' Wayne performs. De-Na hooks up with Lady Gaga. Sammi turns out to actually be Adele. I may be confusing my promos at this point.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 4, Episode 3

When we last left our Italain-ish pals Ron was distancing himself from Samantha and Mike was creeping on Snooki, which was super creepy. As well, I'm pretty sure that J-Woww wasn't doing coke at that exact moment, but the moment before and after, yeah, she was. Tonight, I expect some fights and supposedly some Lesbionic adventures. All aboard the USS Herpes!

-"Just go," Mike, to the only blonde whore in Florence. What a gentleman.

-"Snooki and I are a lot alike right now...we are both dedicated to going to the gym. And we're both dedicated to drinking and having a good time." -Ronald.

-Snooki misses Rambo "fighting, kissing and making up." Because those three attributes make up a healthy relationship...or, because with those two being retarded her relationship looks semi-solid.

-Snooki basically gets raped at the gym. Shockingly, she loves it. fast did that Sheen shit get old?

-"Allright dad, I'll call you back after Mike tries to get his booty call in." -Snooki.

-"1st of all, I'm not doing sex." -D-Na.
"Then quit wasting his time." -Vinny or Pauly.

P.S. How does DeeeeeNa find the one guy in Italy without an Italian name. Ellis? What is this a subliminal shot at Ellis Island and turn-of-the-century Immigration Law?

-"Hello, this is Vinny. I'm madly, deeply in love with you." Pauly D posing as Vin.

"Can I speak to Mike." Unattractive twin.

"After all I just said? This relationship isn't gonna work. (Click)." Pauly.

Followed by Ronnie hanging up repeatedly.

Then, Ron invites the twins over, which is actually the funniest, intentional thing he has ever done on this show. And he is SUPER proud of it. Like a toddler who just dooked in the toilet for the first time.

-"She wants to know where she can put her toothbrush." -Pauly, in regards to the Twin appeareance.

-"Obviosuly, I love you." -Ron to Sammi. That;s why I promised to fly another girl out here just to fuck with you.

-"Conservative black V-neck...That means Ron is back with Sam." -Pauly and Vin.

"When you contemplate suicide because of someone else's relationship, that is a bad sign." -Pauly.

-"When they are together, they both wear black, like a funeral." -Pauly, on Rambo.

-Mike just actually called someone else selfish. The guy who tries to pull robberies all the time and literally plans his statements based on how often he will be on camera almost broke the third wall with this statement.

-Mike thinks he has a threesome. Deena intrudes and gets "lesbionic." They return home. Mike just leaves his whore to chat with tSnooki. Deena gets the "virgin" twin into her bed. She leaves because Pauly and Vin are poking fun at her. Ronnie rats out the Sitch to Sam and Jenn. Deena confronts the guys and leaves Lesbi-twin alone. J-Woww tells Snooki that Mike said they hooked up. Virg-i-twin jumps into Vinny's bed. Mike and Snooki have a blowout. Deena returns and steals the virgin from Vinny. Mike confronts a drunk Ronnie about snitching. Deena "pusses out" (get it) and Vinny actually gets some residual stank.

(Best 5 minutes of Jersey Shore ever, prolly).

Everyone is somehow still functioning perfectly at 6:30 in the morning despite the massive amounts of booze...

-Leading to Humetron stating, "I wonder how much coke they must do to still be awake and functioning right now?"

Hook-Ups: Vinny: 1, but the assist certainly goes to Deee-Na, who picks up a half point.

MVG: It was almost Ron for showing maturity with Sam then showing none with the Situation situation, but then I remembered you get no points for maturity. The real winner, VINNY, for being the only one to get some stank, and for combining with Pauly to mock everyone in the house.

Next week: Situation vs. Ron, hopefully (aka Tyson vs. McNeely). Deena might finally get dick. Pauly and Vinny are funny. J-Woww goes into cardiac arrest.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 4, Episode 2

I got me a big ole plate of Pasti with Bolognese sauce, some Sangria (which according to our Guido Guild means wine in Italian) and I'm about 10 Bud Lights down. That is the right mindset for these Guinea fucks, who at last check were being drunk, disorderly and just the way we love them.

-Aside: If you have ever watched more than one full episode of Teen Mom, do me a favor and never talk to me again. And kill yourself. I caught the last 5 minutes of that show and barely avoided stabbing myself in the abdomen with a dull pen. Awful.

-"Maybe his Italian Sausage will be in my pussy." -D-Na, about Pawlie D, totally missing the whole point of how a metaphor works.

-Good insight on the Pauly/Deena quasi-relationship from "The Crack Whore Formerly Know As J-Woww."

-Nutella is the shit.

-"Everything's in another language." Deeno the Dinosaur, who also spent the whole time asking if everything was meat. Because that meatgazer would like someone with some meat to "Do the sex with her," as she calls it.

-"I'm so proud of myself for not falling last night." -D-Na again, promptly followed by Sammi being a Sweetheart and changing the subject. Mind you, she fell about 20 times.

Deena is ripping up the quotes in the show, mostly because MTV is playing up the "not at all contrived storyline" of Mike falling for Snooki. I've seen more believable story arcs on Franklin and Bash.

-Pizzeria Related: Ahhh look, they have a shitty job in a pizza place, says guy who works in a Pizza Place /self burn.

"Bitch, I made pizza in Florence." J-Woww, to her unborn, bastard, coke-addled grandkids.

"If Snooki can do it, we all can do it." -Ron.

"We won't screw it up." Pauly, akin to Hasselbeck, Matt: "We want the ball, and we're gonna score."

-"Is that him." -Deena, pointing to a cop thinking he was a dude that passed on her herpes box. Major props to Sammy for coming to the rescue /statements I never thought I'd write.

-"That was quick." "Whore." The group to Situation and his Americano. Snookers calling a fellow pot a whore.

-"It's be in a Jucuzzi with two guys." -Ron, with a soils Freudian slip.

-Ronnie palms off Sammi's advances like Frank the Tank on tranquilizers. Good boy.

Deena: I would give it to Mikey for getting it in, but his general pussiness just overwhelms. D-Na gave Pauly tongue, Mikey lip, fell down a bunch, was on the quotables game and brought the drama without taking it too far. Well played, cheerio.

Bedpost Notches: Sitch: 1.

Next Week: Mike loses out on a threesome because of Lesbian Deena, Ron and Sammi fight, Vinny's only purpose is to beg them not to fight. J-Woww does no coke, whatsoever. Nope. None at all.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 4, Episode 1

Holy Fucking Shit...The G-U-I-D-Os be back up in this motherfucker. When we last left the Intoxicated Eight (Alliterations points) they were destroying Seaside and crying. Now, we are apparently trying to curtail immigration to the USA by sending these Shoretards out to Italy to make sure we cut down on the number of WOPs who try to enter to AMERICA through Ellis Island.

What could possibly go wrong with 8 shitty Americans trying to infiltrate a foreign city without understanding any customs or language? Not much. Seriously though, these people have a tentative grasp on English and manage to contract Herps on the daily, so I don't suspect it will be too hard for them to figure out how to date rape hook up with the local Azurri despite their lack of polish.

-" that big country."  Oh Snooki, always in the fucking lead.

-Pauly has his international plug packed to make sure the blowout is intact. (Chicken Cluck) smart. (If you don't get this, watch Epic Meal Time and stop reading my blog).

-Deena thinks Gracias is Itai for thank you...ITALY NOT MEXICO! (This theme will be repeated all episode, if not season...Which proves these Guids are truly more beaner than WOP, and also underlying why I see so many Mexis acting like dirty Shorites.)

-De-Na lives in New Egypt. Snooki lives in Marlboro. Does Ronnie live in RoidsVillie? These names are bullshit.

-Snooki packs "I (Heart) Vinny" panties. /File under obvious foreshadowing.

-Holy shit Jenny is has turned into a giant boobed Skeletor. I mean, I understand you are now dating a "health nut" (read: steroid abuser) in Raw-Gah, but everything but your Tittays shrunk.

30 seconds on the clock /Tosh:

1. Apparently the coke and protein diet has been efficient.

2. She looks like the Italian Kate Moss.

3. I would call that style Guido-Sheik.

4. I think her boobs are eating her torso.

5. Hunger strike until Rambo re-unite.

6. She was sick of Pauly being the skin...(Buzzer)...Oh out of time.

-I am more excited for Single Ron-Ron than I am to see a single Tebow pass.

-"You don't have to be on top." -Sammi's mom, who apparently is at peace with her daughter being a dumb, white trash whore.

-"Lift up their arms, and see if they have hair." -Vinny's uncle Don Vito, on the age of consent in Italialand.

-Advertisement: Humey and I have decided this Panet of the Apes movie is gonna be awesome. I can't wait to see Monkeys Throwing Poop defeat humans with guns. MARCEL!

-Kind of a dick move by MTV to schedule the bitches into Milan, while the boys flew straight into Florence. But if it kept Ronaldo and Samantha from sharing a room, I'm all for it.

-"Is that where I get Pesos?" -Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh Snoooki.

-"Ronnie won't be able to walk through the alley, he's gotta turn sideways." -Pauly D.

-"Pugs not Drugs." Vinny's T-shirt time. Muffin approves (4 people get this joke).

-"And Sammy, the only thing I've noticed is that she's got bigger boobs." Sage Pauly. This piles on hilariously when Nicole (Snooki) decides that she should get fake boobs because hers wobble and fro, and asks Sammy if they should get them.

-I really feel that in about 20 years that Al-Queda's most prominent and vicious terror cell will be located in Florence, solely as a result of this show.

Dear Itai-Land, we apologizo. Sorry-o about-o those Guiodos-o. Don't-o hold that against-o us. We be so a sorry-o.

-I like that Ron wants to avoid hooking up with Samm, but walks around shirtless right in front of her.

-"Finally I'm useful for something...besides being a cum dumpster." -Snooki. I made up nothing in that statement.

-"Red Light!" -Random (insert racial Italian slur). "Oh, my bad." -Pauly.

-Humey bets that Pauly D sings 'No Pigeons" first, the knock off no scrubs song from 1999.

-DeeeeeeeNa burns her weave. Turrible.

-Still not in fucking Mexico. Or speaking Spanish, Baxter.

-"I'm a good time. I'm a blast in a bra." -Pauly, speaking as D-Na's tits. FORESHADOWING.

-"Taxi Son Aqui" -Pauly D, in broken WOP, yelling "Cabs are HHHEEEEEEAAAAHHHH"

-"I just wanna dance." Lady Ron-Ron.

-"Schnookie" -Ron. While commenting on the fact that Snitch and Snooks might be hooking up.

MVG: Italy. Or no one. Just a boring ass episode, hopefully pulling a straight Trueblood and lulling me to sleep before the crazy goes boom.

Hook-ups: None. Gaaaaaaay.

Next Week: Pauly smushes Deena. Situation dies...One can hope. Ronnie punch.

This Season: Shit gets real in the Italian Sausage shop.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Things That Might Have Happened At A Bonedale Bachelor Party

So the old, old, old roommates (that I lived with in SD) are getting married in about a week, so this past weekend was a lovely excuse for everyone to gather to celebrate the death of Hacksaw's singledom.

In true 'Dale fashion, we proceeded to drank a ton and then drank some more.  The following are a few things that probably happened, though legally it is possible none of this happened at all (and it is in no way all encompassing, it only reflects what I may have witnessed and remember):

-While killing a couple of six-packs of exotic beer (read; bitch beer) on the way over the passes, the Bachelor may have commanded, "Hey, Raz me," and extended his arm for a bottle of Bacardi Raz. Beggars can't be choosers when you are halfway over Vail Pass.

-You may be shepherded around all weekend in a 15-passenger concrete van that goes "Clink-clink-clink-clunk-clunk" at every turn from the bottles and cans on the floor.

-The first present the Bachelor might receive will be a handle of Evan Williams Black Label. The second; a shiny new hatchet so sharp it could cut one of the groomsman's fingers. There is probably no way this could end poorly.

-The Best Man might try to start at least two different fights, just before closing time, including one at a bar that is 95% Latino (the 5% gringo: Us).

-The Bachelor and a groomsman could've participated in some "good, ole-fashioned vandalism" with the shiny, new hatchet. It is possible that the "Great Sprinkler Bandit" of 2003-06 made a dramatic reappearance.

-Everyone would probably stop drinking at around 3:30AM. The Best Man almost certainly was playing in a golf tournament at 6AM, with the Bachelor as his caddy. They would've had to wake up at 5:30 to make it, and probably would drink whiskey the whole time.

-As difficult as it is to believe, a very legit golf course might comp us our rounds and lett us go out as two five-some. While golfing, it is possible we; played bumper carts, hit drives at each other, nearly did a 180-degree spin into a ravine, had to push a cart for most of back-nine after it ran out of juice, played the final 2 holes as a eleven-some with 7 cart looking like a live version of Mario Kart, etc.

-After a disagreement over etiquette (which we clearly lacked), it is possible that the Best Man declared the bachelor party over and decided to leave. In retaliation, Nasty Nate may have had the quote of the weekend if he had said, "Where are you gonna go? You can't drive anyway," in reference to the Best Man's recent alleged DUI.

-One of the groomsman's kitchen floor might have been buttered. The culprit might have might have left the stick of butter in view ruining the end result. It was almost assuredly me.

-The floor at the party compound was thought to be buttered as well.

-The best decision after all this golfing and beer would probably be a Beer Olympics with some grilled meat before a trip to local bar.  In the middle of these Olympics, a bottle of Fireball whiskey might, at the direction of the Bachelor, be downed by the party in less that 5 minutes.

-The chauffeur enlisted to drive the 15-passenger van en route to the bar may have been a 50-year old neighbor of the best man who was talked into this task at about 12:00 AM.

-A quick pit stop for some party necessities might take longer than expected, leading the Bachelor and a few others to abandon the van and set out on foot. All but one of this Foot Troop would be recovered.

-The Bachelor and a couple friends will probably pass out in the van instead of making it to the bar. Multiple people will be found passed out in the van when it returns from the bar to the party compound.

-The Best Man's brother, who lives at the party compound, might be one of those who is discovered in the van sleeping. After being awoken, he will not walk the 100 feet home to his bedroom, but instead will inexplicably sprint away and sleep on Dave the Chauffeur's couch, a fact we did not find out until the next morning, setting off a minor manhunt.

-When the man of the house awakes at 3:30AM to depart for the Triple Bypass bike ride to find the party still going, he might be informed that his son is missing. It is doubtful he will bat an eye.

-At various points of the night, at least six people might realize that they are sans-phone and embark on a frenzied search. Yours truly will probably find his phone outside after six hours in the rain, but thanks to the Otter Box and a bag of rice, it will continue to work. One phone will likely stay missing.

-The sun did rise, and it seems likely that at least 4 of the group were still awake.

That is about it. A lot of things that might have happened. There are probably some I have forgotten, some omitted and some I wasn't privy to, but this might help jog those hazy memories.

And there is one thing I can confirm...every in attendance woke up Sunday morning with a blinding hangover.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

NBA Sack-Up 2010-11 with the Dream Team

So Edy, Stringer Bell and I wrote this preview back in October, full of stupid predictions, miscellaneous predictions and some blind-squirrel-finding-a-nut predictions. It was fun, and so, I decided get together a dream team to recap the season in true Sackrilegious style, so I rounded up my crew of ball watchers to help. In white font, is your's truly, in red is The_Real_Pat, in blue is DJ Stringer Bell and in black bold is the new roomate aka Humetron. Edy couldn't make it because he usually just copy and pastes everything Pat says, so he really isn't needed anymore.

Enjoy, ye hooligans.

1: How awesome is DeShawn Stevenson? I expect at least 5000 words each from everyone on this topic. At least 1,000 of which must describe what you imagine his next tattoo/piercing combo will be:

Humetron: Not saying I didn't know who he was before these finals, but it was more how unnoticed he went in my eyes before June. He was more of just a side show to me during his Wiz years to me because I didn't follow them outside of Gilbert. I sorta love him now though.  It may just be ALL your (Sack's) obsession rubbing off on me but he is a funny dude.

The-Real_Pat: To measure DeShawn's "awesomeness", I think we need to define DeShawn and work backwards.  DeShawn Stevenson:  Uber tatted meathead, could start a fight with anybody at anytime (himself included), has one main specialty (defense) with a secondary specialty (the tre ball) and has beef with one of the league's "stars".  Tats, meathead, fight potential, one main trick, one backup trick, beef with star...on the awesomeness scale, I give DeShawn Stevenson 7 out of 10 Dennis Rodman's.
DeShawn's next tattoo will be LEBR on one ass cheek, and an N on the other...

Sack: I have already written this love letter to him, but since then he has continued rolling it on; skipping the Mavs' South Beach party because he was a family man and his wifey was preggos, getting arrested for public drunkeness (profiling), called out LeBron some more at the victory parade and explained that he got the $5 bills surrounding his Lincoln tattoo so he didn't have to explain who it was anymore. He is the gift that keeps on giving.

He is a free agent next year (NUGGETS, NUGGETS, NUGGETS), but wants to stay in Dallas. Since two of his teammates now have Larry O'Brien Trophy tattoos, I don't expect DeShawn to follow suit. I am willing to wager he goes big on the next one, stamping Tre Goggles permanently on his face.

2. Let's all mock Edy openly for calling Dallas most disappointing team? Then mock everyone for other terrible prediction (like Gilbert comeback player and Heinrich best white player. My bad).

Edy with a bad claim?  Unheard of. 

DJ Stringer Bell: We had some fucking retarded picks here, with Hinrich in the chocolate city of black holes (John Wall and Arenas) coming in as a runner-up to me and Edy jerking ourselves off to the Thunder. True they had a watershed year, but not nearly the championship contenders we talked ourselves into. Throw in the Perkins trade and we had damn near given OKC the title by the end of March when the fact of the matter was that Durant hadn’t properly barked down Westbrook into a subservient position yet (still waiting for this) and the team was still fine tuning their BIG game.
3. Then give me props for calling Dallas a darkhorse contender.

-When did Edy say that?!?!?! #dumb I am their biggest hater and it is partly because they are good and contend with the nugs on a normal basis (Ed Note: Hume and I played a drinking game based on Dirk's performance in these playoffs. If he made a shot, Hume drank, if he missed, I drank. This usually really got going in the fourth quarter, so Hume drank a looot).

You picked a team with two for sure Hall of Famers, a Puerto Rican Point God, a statistical juggernaut with a very outdated movie reference nickname (Matrix), the best right handed 6th man in the L, a guy who I'm gonna hand a title to in a few minutes, and a guy who registers a 7 on the Dennis Rodman Scale of Awesomeness...what exactly do you want props for? 

-No one picked Dallas to do shit this year, but I felt they were primed. It's easy to look now and say Dallas was good, but everyone was calling them washed up early this year (not that I predicted them to win a title, but still).

-How can anyone claim ref conspiracy when the guy who bitches the most just won a championship?
There’s a shitload of bitching and twitter timeline quoting I could do, but there just weren’t enough close games involving the preferred markets to really make a case for Stern as Geppetto. New York was disjointed, newly formed and saddled with the Nuggets shit offloads of AC, Billups and Melo. Boston was a victim of their own murdering of the Ubuntu mantra (see the 2011 The Association season). And the Lakers succumbed to the Law of more, NBA miles and had nothing left to accomplish, save Barnes. None of these teams held up for shit in the playoffs and none of them even knew how to keep a game close when the 4th quarter came within its final 6 minutes.
The argument could be made that Lebron and the Heatles (I fucking hate that name… and the Beatles.) were a preferred champion but even they were newly formed, without playing reps, and unable to get it close enough to let the angel of Stern work his magic.
My feeling on the matter is Stern looked at these playoffs the same way we all did; All of the final 4 teams were good for the NBA and the Mavericks just had too many great storylines not to let the playoffs play out or even to embrace them. The game thrives off of polarizing, astronomically dynamic characters and both the Mav’s and the Heat had them in spades. Furthermore, the final 4 teams were each darlings in their right and any of them as champions would have been great for the league. Add in what a Dirk win did for Overseas interest in the NBA and a Mav’s win doesn’t quite seem so FU Stern (cue Stern Jew smile)
What championship did Melo win?  (Waits for applause to die down)  Stop, thank you, you're too kind. 
And nobody claims an outright ref conspiracy.  And conspiracy is the wrong word.  It's more like a nefarious consortium.  It's a large group of people who all work in conjunction to promote the interests of the league.  At the end of the day, just like anything else, it all comes down to dolla dolla bills yall.  The NBA is a business.  And any business is going to try to maximize revenue.  When the most popular teams win exciting games in long dramatic series', the NBA makes more money.  FACT.  So to say it's rigged and a big conspiracy is say the powers that be stay completely hands off is naive.

=-Stars will always get calls.   

-Most entertaining team of the season?
Here's how this one should be answered:  When you saw on the left side of SportsCenter that Team X's highlights were coming up, who would you refuse to miss more often than not?
Clips/Heat tie.

I started off claiming a homer tie on this one between the Nuggets and the Mavs, but the truth is it was always the Mav’s. I remember watching regular season games where they held on against the Lakers and Blazers and it was evident just how much all the years together this Mavs team had, had done for their clutch performance. The team was killing it all year by making the extra pass and knowing exactly where each team member was going to be on the court. They win this award from the standpoint that they were a team in the strictest of definition of the word. They excelled all year by breaking the will of an opposing team with 3’s that shouldn’t keep going in and extended possessions where they just keep moving the ball away from defenses. Nothing will fucking kill a team more than a shot that shouldn’t keep going in or an offense that moves the ball despite ur best efforts. The Mavericks had both. Put simply, they weren’t playing Rucker ball and it showed.
You guys really missed this one, because it was clearly OKC. The Heat were more dramatic, Dallas better, but the rise of the Thunda, the Perk trade to make them legitimate contenders and then the epic Diva collapse of Russ Westbrook was fascinating theatre. Every queater of every game had this tension that it could collapse at any point, and it did. It was a psychological thriller.
-Most entertaining player this season (besides DeShawn, clearly)?
If anyone says anyone else but Blake Griffin they should be shot in the head.

BlakeTube Griffin 
Runner Up:  Derek Rose
Dead Last:  Tim Duncan's methodical ass

On the court no one was as entertaining as Blake Griffin, the dude singlehandedly re-programmed Sportscenter on a nightly basis, giving us at least 2 dunk highlights a night IN ADDITION to his top 10 contributions. Night in and night out we were treated to glimpses into otherwise shitty and irrelevant games between the Clippers and the Suns. Griffin was so amazing he made the Clippers relevant. Re-read that last sentence again. Here, I’ll help you. HE MADE THE CLIPPERS RELEVANT. No one has been able to do this in forever. The last time we even moderately cared about this team ET was running point and Chris Kaman was making a case as the last Neanderthal on the planet in what could be called the greatest freak show on earth (They still easily handled the Nuggets in the first round).
Worst yet, none of the NBA fanatical could come up with a good nickname for him. His half-white, half-black, red headed, freckled ass made this task damn near impossible. It was like trying to figure out  a cool name to call Opie if his hair grew short and wiry and routinely jumped over Aunt Bea and Dipshit Deputy Barney Fife on the regular. (My contributions in the matter: El Mulatto Magnifico and the Soaring Griffin).   
And when the season came to an end, we were still watching the Clippers who weren’t even within an 8th seed implosion of making the playoffs. Hell, that underperforming, Iverson-esque cocksucker Baron Davis even got traded because of him. If you get someone’s lazy ass traded away from you just because management is afraid he’ll somehow find a way to make you lax and unwilling to hustle, you’re usually doing some awe-inspiring shit.  
Too bad ole Blake wasn't relevant in the playoffs. But yes, Mozgov-ing fools gets you this top spot.

-Will Dwight Howard play in Orlando next season? Chris Paul in New Orleans?
Watch for Dwight to take his talents to South Beach if not the Lakers like Shaq before him. I give it decent odds that he ends up a member of the Heat for less money.  CP3 stays because of a little word called leverage and his own refusal to be a jobber to anyone.
If they go to LA and NY like the rumor mill (You must be an Insider to finish this thought
  • Includes a 1 YEAR subscription to ESPN The Magazine - Over 50% off the regular monthly price!
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I think Dwight is 50/50 on staying vs. fleeing to LA. It is the only place that really makes sense for him.
-That little girl Chris Paul is already out of New Orleans.  He is going to prance around New York with that doucher melo.  I think Dwight is going to stay for some reason, unless the Magic upgrade though he is out.   

-How long before Chris Bosh is booted from Miami?

When that shemale from Baylor is allowed to play in the NBA, he should start sweating.

-If they don't win next year or start slow, Like a Bosh is scapegoat numero uno, off to Siberia aka Milwakee for Andrew Bogut.

-Who was the craziest player in the league (aka Starbury award)?
Gilbert Arenas is deeply offended that you think this is up for debate.  He's tweeting about your nappy ass shirt as we speak.

-Damn right it's Gilbert. I am going to claim this is what I meant by Comeback Player of the Year. Welcome back crazy Gil...keep on tweeting bout sharks, shoes and skanks til the Magic figuratively or literally have you whacked to get out of that contract.

I really fucking wanted to put Barnes here but he didn’t really do shit. He was pretty quiet (as Barrio Barnes standards go) and only once took it to another level when he threw an assistant coach to the ground. Worst yet, there really was no clear winner in this category. Stephen Jackson, Brandon Jennings, Delonte West, KMart and Barnes were all a little too quiet on and off the court.  
Update: DeShawn Stevenson: tell me how my drunk Dirk taste.

P.S. Now we see why Gil and DeShawn were such awesome teammates.

We are all in agreement Kevin Love was best white American? Griffin ROY? Harden best beard?
False!  I hand this title, as mentioned above in #3, to Brian "The Custodian" Cardinal.  Any argument about the Best White American should be centered around White American skill sets.  Kevin Love rebounds and scores.  Those are bro skill sets, so Kevin Love is like the 85th best bro.  BWA should be given based on hard fouls, killer screens (on or off ball), textbook box-outs, bounce passes, ball fakes, charge takes, defensive rotations, and bench enthusiasm.  Brian Cardinal is the Kobe Bryant of White Americans (complete with jewelry).

No arguments on ROY.
BDiddy's beard takes silver to Harden's face-fro.  (Coined bitches.  O/U weeks til Edy uses that phrase around Val and her friends?  I say however many weeks it takes for Val to have more than 2 of her friends around.)

Pat wasn't around for the beginning of the year and apparently didn't do research, but B. Diddy was retired from contention. Brian Cardinal had one, maybe two good games all season. Kevin Love set records. Real basketball records, not white player records.

I’ll take my victory laps around the park on the majority of these. Kevin Love dominated in this years’ Strom Thurmond/ Derrick Vinyard  category, giving us white boys some hope and Harden brought new infamy to the Moussai beard with his bearded gap-toothed post 3 screams.  
-O/U of players who get NBA trophy tatoos next season?
I feel like this HAS to be set at 0.5.  And I'll take the under.

zero, douche bag terry


I am saying 20.5: Every sixth man/energy guy/irrational confidence guy for a contender is gonna get one. I mean, we've already had one fucking bench guy get one that didn't do shit. They are gonna be popping up errrawhere. I assume Birdman is getting one as we spreak.

-Most intriguing plotline this offseason?
Toss up:  It's either
A.  Bulls roster changes.  They really felt like they were one or two guys away from being a championship squad.  If they can add a guy who can create his own shot and a veteran who can get buckets in tough situations, I think they immediately become a championship favorite.  Or
B.  Lockout.  Or
C.  The Shaq Sex Tape. 

Will a bunch of free-spending hoodrats with little finance knowledge and miniscule amounts of leverage and huge costs of living be able to stand up against a coalition of owners that is losing an alleged 300 million a year.  
Most hated sportswriter/commentator: Jeff Van Gundy. No onegets under my skin like his nerdy, ill-placed, matter of fact quips. He was so annoying throughout the year I actually wished hiring upon him just so that I wouldn’t have to hear his fucking dipshit poindexter ass on my TV. I‘ve got room for one pencil-necked sports intellectual and John Clayton is it with his Stewie looking ass.  

Lockout, duh.

Yeah, dumb question by me. Lockout is clearly the big story, Dwight number 2.

-Will the Heat ever win a title?
They need to upgrade at C, PF, PG, 6, 7, and 8th man, coach, PR, and towel boy.  Even if they didn't upgrade any of those things, if King Dipshit could get his head right, they could win the next 4.  Will they?  Who knows.  That guy's sucha Freudian wet dream that these next few season's could go a billion different ways.

-yep, that team can only get better. I mean jowhatver anthony and juan howard as post players??!?! some big lanky freak will sign with the heat.

Yes, pending a solid PF/C  acquisition in the offseason .

They were argueably two shots away from it this year. I will bet my house on it next year (fact: I don't own a house, so thanks Tejouis for the collateral).

-Most hated player (I expect Russ Westbrook to get some love here)
Ask me about this a year ago and I put Kobe here. Ask me today and its Westbrook. No one consistently just pissed me off quite like his Antz/ Jurassic ass (Co-writer credits to Edy and Manchester there). I found myself likening his and Durants demeanor to the Good Son of the family that finds out he sucks at sports. He just kept having that whiny, I deserve to win and all these people are just hating against me look to him. A year ago I would have never said that especially after how much heart we saw him show against the Lakers, but this year he bought into the hype and really started believing he was better than everyone else (including Durant). Kobe had this same sort of bratty transformation, call it an NBA rite of passage but fuck this little-big headed prick for real.

As long as Sasha Vuji-bitch is in the league...

too many to count but right now it has to be serge i pound my chest ibaka. God he is annoying as all hell with his numerous facial expressions, fist pumps, and o yes that DK chest pound. 

-How's my Dirk taste, BRON. Even though he has almost been ridden to death, fuck that motherfucker.

Anything else you find important/want to include.
"I'd like to thank the Man Upstairs for my thoughts and input here today.  Without his inspiration, I wouldn't be here.  All glory to Him."--Trev, if he lived in my basement.

-F the Mavs...focker outttttttt

Bonus: A DJ Stringer Bell Lookalikes Section: 
Derrick Rose/OddJob,

Tom Thibodeau/ Devil from Constantine

Russell Westbrook and Gon from Tekken and Gook Cartoons

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

The EPL and ESPN Effect: The Joys of Being a Casual Fan

I am fanatical in support of my teams, a fact that comes across plainly in almost every post I write on this site (and fanatical about Jersey Shore, which is also clear). I take losses personally and find it difficult to remember that my emotional well-being shouldn't hinge on a ball game. It is exhausting, and one of the reasons I have trouble writing blogs when my teams suck (Case in point: Rockies, and why this blog has been silent lately).

 I can't quit on my boy, even if he quit on my boys.

Which is why I have been so invested in soccer lately. I really have no vested connection to any team other than the US National team.

In fact, when it comes to soccer, especially in the English Premier League, I am the type of sports fan that I hate. I support a name team (Liverpool) almost solely because of my love for one player (Fernando Torres), who is no longer on the team (he left for Chelsea in a shocking last-minute, midseason transfer to rival Chelsea). Torres' move came during one of the most depressing stretches in Liverpool's history. Hypothetically, if his name was Fernando, I dunno, Cutler, and he left the Broncos under similar circumstances, I would use his jersey to clean my toilet and literally dream of punching him in his sulky face.

Instead, I still proudly wear my Liverpool Torres jersey kit, cheer for his success, while at the same time proclaiming myself a Liverpool fan. It really is mind-bottling, but there are a few reasons why:

-It is a task to follow the Premier League here in America: The games start at weird times, highlights are rarely shown, articles are never published and bars usually are confused when you ask to watch a soccer game on Fox Soccer Channel, even when you tell them the exact channel number ("You mean Fox Sports, yeah we got that.").

-Most importantly, the games often aren't on ESPN: Though the Worldwide Leader has stepped up it's soccer coverage dramatically, it is still usually a game a week. So, mercifully, the overblown coverage that has permeated every other sport ESPN covers ("LeBron is the greatest," "No, he's the worst." "We've discussed this every day for the last year and yet in no way is anyone sick of this...OMG BRETT FARVE PENIS!") has yet to come to the EPL.

What does that mean? It means I am allowed to follow the league, it's teams and stars without storylines being forced upon me. I'm sure the English press does this, but thankfully I only watch Sky Sports for the hot anchors with tart British accents (it's like porn except their talking about balls...footballs) and live blissfully unaware of that chatter.

So even if Wayne Rooney is being a hooligan, I can still like him for his play and not develop an irrational hatred of him because he leads every fucking Sportscenter ever. I can dislike Rooney simply for playing for Manchester United and being a twat with hair plugs, not because Stephen A. Smith and Collin Cowherd argued his worth. 

I have no connection to Liverpool, other than the fact that I loved scoring goals with Fernando in FIFA videogames so much that I jumped on the bandwagon. I've never been to a game, and didn't know until recently that Liverpool is not in London. But it doesn't feel right to abandon them now, as I have claimed to be a Liverpool fan for about 4 years, so it is too late to change.

Still, I love the fact that I'm not so Liverpool ingrained that I can't cheer for other teams, and mostly that I haven't found a reason to dislike almost every other team in the EPL. In the NFL, I can really only cheer for the Texans because they are CSU South. Basketball, I used to have a real soft spot for the Wizards, but they went boom so I just cheer for DeShawn (and hopefully a Gilbert reincarnation). In the MLB, can hardly even watch a World Series game if it is sans Rockies.

In the Premier League, I can use a pecking order to find enjoyment in almost every game. It goes:
1. Liverpool.
2. Team playing Mancherster United.
3. Fernando, which in turn means Chelsea.
4. Clint Dempsey & Fulham.
5. Tim Howard & Everton, which is ironic because they are Chelsea's biggest rival.
6. Stu Holden & Bolton.
7. Any other team with an American.
8. Against Manchester City, because Tevez is the ugliest human ever and Edy plays with them in FIFA constantly.

It really simplifies the league, and gives me a rooting interest in almost every game, allowing me to watch more and better follow the league as a whole. That means that I can enjoy the season even if Liverpool is shit and if Torres is shit (both happened this year).

Plus, the EPL Review Show does this ludicrous thing, where they show every goal and key moment from every match of the weekend, almost as if the teams are all important. It's an hour-long segment, and each game gets about 5 minutes of highlights. The Man U-Chelsea match doesn't get 2 minutes of highlights, 5 minutes of interviews and 17 minutes of discussion with the same highlights rehashed and debated, leaving just 30 seconds for a Bolton-West Ham match. Nope every game gets a solid highlights package, a quick quote from the manager, and little to no analysis.

It's almost like the EPL thinks I can watch and interpret for myself, and that every game matters (which it does, because of relegation, but that's a subject for another time). Ruddy brilliant.

When I get to think for myself I can actually enjoy the full product better. Being a casual fan definitely has it's advantages, but I think it will have to end as soon as I travel to Englandland, get all scoused up and see a game in Merceyside with the Kop (100% chance I fucked up everything in that sentence, and that I will be killed by Liverpool hooligans at this match for being a giant twat that knows nothing of the team's traditions). Then I will become a true Red fan and begin zealously hating everyone else in the Prem like I'm some sort of soccer Nazi.

Because fandom is like sex; even though the casual stuff is fun, it is ultimately hollow.  Eventually we enter committed relationships where we reach levels of passion and joy we never felt possible...

Followed shortly by all encompassing agony, anger and disappointment.

Or maybe that's just my abusive relationship with Broncos/Avs/Nuggets/Rockies/Rams.

Bonus: Just as life takes away, it gives: Luis Suarez is the new Liverpool goalscoring God:

Monday, June 13, 2011

DeShawn Stevenson>LeBron James

The title of this post is incorrect, if we are talking about basketball skill. LeBron James is much better than DeShawn in every facet of the game. LBJ is one of the greatest players (exactly how great his is I'll let the retards on ESPN blather about) in the history of basketball. But that doesn't matter.

What matters is, at the close of this season, DeShawn Stevenson has one NBA championship ring, and LeBron has none. And this fact is one of the many reasons why sports are awesome.

One of the craziest players in the NBA (so therefore, one of the craziest people on the planet) joined a whole bunch of "guys who couldn't win" and took down the big, bad bully. This isn't a Disnified movie, this is real life, and it is much more entertaining. It has heroes, villians, foreshadowing and plot twists. Yes, the big story is about Dirk's rise, the Big 3's fall, but often times the most interesting characters are those is the supporting role, and DeShawn's improbable victory over LeBron was the most compelling to me (of course I'm fucking crazy).

We forget, now that everyone in America has spent the last year shitting on LeBron (truthfully, the Mavs were better supported than any team in the history of sports, more so than even the Miracle on Ice US hockey team that was playing the Goddamn Commies) that he wasn't always hated, as back in 2008 Bron was the savior of Ohio and we were all WITNESSES.

Only a select group of people had any beef with LeBron; the fine folks of Washington D.C., whose Wizards were defeated by LeBron two previous times in the playoff series that included controversial circumstances (an uncalled travel on Bron and LBJ shit-talking Gilbert before free throws), and destined to be eliminated by the Brons for the third straight season. They needed a voice for their frustration, and they found one, in DeShawn.

Mr. Stevenson had the audacity to say that he didn't like LeBron and found him "Overrated," you know, because he still hadn't won shit. This opinion, at the time, caused much controversy and ridicule for DeShawn. The popular opinion was "Who the fuck is this idiot talking shit to LeBron, question the patron Saint of Basketball?"

And on paper, that is how this "rivalry" appeared, King James vs. The Bust. DeShawn and LeBron had both followed similar paths to the NBA, as high school phenoms plunged straight to the league. Then, their paths diverged: DeShawn was drafted by Utah, forced to toil under the curmudgeon Jerry Sloan, dealt with a number of legal issues and injuries, never reaching his potential to be a star. But a surprsing thing happened, instead of flaming out like almost every other troubled phenom, DeShawn evolved, becoming a strong defender and long-range specialist.

So it is natural that he might feel some bitterness towards Bron due to his success and hype, especially after some crushing defeats.

Instead of letting the storm from DeShawn's comments blow over, LeBron's hubris got the best of him, as he alluded to DeShawn as Soulja Boy and himself as Jay-Z. This sparked off a series of silly media battles, that resulted in Soulja Boy attending a game during the 2008 series and then Jay-Z recording a diss specifically aimed at DeShawn.

High comedy and entertainment ensued. The Wizards lost and Bron got what appeared to be the last laugh, as sadly, it appeared that the rivalry would die an early death. The Wizards imploded due to Gilbert Arenas' gimpy knee and gunplay, shipping Caron Butler, Brended Haywood to the Mavs, tossing an injured DeShawn in more for contract reasons. Then LeBron eviscerated Cleveland with the decision, and the odds of another D-Steve/Bron playoff battle seemed impossible.

While we breathlessly followed every movement of LeBron's scripted life and if he could fit in with the other superstars, only passing interest was paid to the real Dos Eqius man of the NBA; DeShawn.

Somehow, the man that has multiple facial tattoos (including the Pirates logo backwards so that it looks correct in the mirror), that has an Abe Lincoln tattoo on his neck that is pierced, that has a neck piercing that also goes through the neck of Lincoln (naturally), that celebrated every 3-pointer with an homage to doing massive amounts of cocaine, that nicknamed himself the Locksmith, Poppa Smurf and Mr. 50, that once bet Gilbert Arenas $20,000 on a shooting contest, that once etc. etc. etc...


Somehow, that man had little trouble earning the respect of his teammates in Dallas and fitting into a winning team. Meanwhile, the greatest weapon in basketball history never quite figured how to coexist with a couple of other great players.

When the two met in the finals, both tried to downplay the rivalry, but it came out again, after Stevenson outscored Bron-Bron in game 4 and then said LBJ "checked out."

In the Finals it was obvious King James failed to live up to his potential. DeShawn was a clutch, with his multiple personalities merging perfectly. "The Locksmith" getting in people's grill, contesting shots and generally creating mischief; and "Mr. 50" hitting over 50% of his shots from 3-point range (13-23) and gesturing wildly.

On a team full of nice guys (Dirk, Jason Kidd, Jason Terry), DeShawn was the wild card, bringing the toughness (along with Tyson Chandler, Brenden Haywood and ironically Brian Cardinal) that was missing from the 2006 Mavericks squad.

While he may not be the conventional good guy, this picture makes it pretty clear where he ranks in the Mavericks organization.

*I can only assume Cubes is yelling "The Nuggets fucking blow," since those were the word he used while grabbing Arab Money's and my shoulders in a similar fashion.

**DeShawn and I are basically bros now, since I hang with Cuban and he does too, right?

Monday, May 2, 2011

Month of April Sack-Up: Draft, #Rapril, Nuggs & More

So, it appears I didn't do a lot of blogging in March and April, but shit, I was busy trying to find a job and I felt that blogging may not have been the best tactic. Also, I was getting drunk a lot. These things are unrelated, I'm sure.

Still, a lot has happened in the last month that I care to discuss, so hop on you hosehounds, we're going to catch up rapidly:

Since you last heard from me...Obama sonned Trump (and got his Call of Duty on on some other fool who then went deep sea diving), Eddie Royal got married and it was a big deal, Godzilla attacked Japan and God decided it was past time for Bama & Auburn fans to give up the souls they sold for back-to-back championships.  Other than that, pretty slow. 

NFL Draft: With all the crazy lockout nonsense going on, this kinda snuck up on everyone. And the damn Panthers decided to draft Vince Young  Cam Newton, because when you have a shot at a quarterback that is stupid, immature, a convict has questionable accuracy and a sketchy entourage, you just have to take them and throw about $40 mill at them. Somewhere JaMarcus Russell is laughing (but only because he be on that lean and them flashing blue lights is TRIPPPAY).

Anyway, no one cares about the Panthers anyway, we are here for the Broncos talk. And dammit if John Elway-God didn't throw a fucking home run in this draft. Von Miller was so happy he could of shit. That's the passion I like in my pass rushers. And his Twatter handle is @millerlite40. That is awesome. (Speaking of 40 oz. in my lap freezing my balls, I did 40 hands in Von's honor on Saturday and finished in 25 minutes. That is pretty fast considering it was like 2 in the afternoon after about 5 beers. Sadly, according to my Scotish friend Scotland, the record is 7 minutes. BY A GIRL).

Photo of Virgil GreenRahim Moore also got pretty choked up while on stage, and I think he has a great name for a saftey. You just got Rahim-ed up. Boom!

Would you look at that, Joshy McD, we actually drafted some defenders, what a novel fucking concept.  And on top of that, guys that were actually productive in college and went to succesful schools (and if you pop off about Nevada not being successful, go chinch with Osama). PS, that is 6th Round pick Virgil Green, who is super high in that picture and also a black man named Virgil.

Plus, Elway-God and Tebus Christ are bonding, so soon we will have a super quarterback.

You know, if the NFL ever comes around again.

#RAPRIL: A very fun month of Rockies baseball, and this team could still get a whole lot better. We are comfortably in first, and so far; Cargo can't hit, Ubaldo can't pitch, 3rd base is still a hole (and not the good kind), Street is living on the edge and we've almost been no-hit like seven times. And still, we be cool.

Hopefully things straighten out in Ray and we just keep on cruising. Usually the Rockies tend to heat up as the weather does, so fucking Colorado needs to get it's shit together and pump out some more 80 degree days so I can take off my shirt and drink beer and yell at Juan Pierre in center field (inside joke for all 10 people at the Rocks-Diamondbacks game with me).

Next year, totally making purple shirts with #RAPRIL on them. Put your money down now, I'm totally good for it.

Nuggtober Ends Early: I went on a pretty epic Twitter rant about the officiating in this series and will discuss it in more detail with the Dream Team in fucking July or whenever the NBA playoffs finally end, but the Nuggets got so shafted I just can't even invest in the NBA playoffs anymore. The double-standard and wildly inconsistent calls kill me. And I know a lot about those things, as I currently ref two nights a week. I'm pretty bad, but I think I could take Dick Bevetta in a ref off.

Since I won't be watching basketball, I'll be fighting my lovely new roomate Rocky and his master Eric for control of our super huge new TV (not actually ours in any way, all his) so I can watch...

HOCKEY: Which even though the Avs were awful, is much more exciting because it is almost always settled on the ice and overtime happens pretty much every night.

"Oh these NBA playoffs are awesome, so competitive and so much talent." -Every douchebag ever.

It only took about 40 games before the first overtime, you know how many overtime Stanley Cup games have been played this year? I'm not sure, but there has been at least one every night, so I can assume it's somewhere close to a fuck-ton.

Plus, skates, sticks and missing teeth look way cooler than tatoos and Kobe. Cheer for BRO-Vechkin and the Bruins, and not the Red Wangs.

Premier League: Hockey games too competitive for you? Well soccer won't be any better. Shit is getting real. My boy Torres is finally score again (not a typo, I think you have to do it more than once to say "scoring"). Barca and Real Madrid will play 4 times in 17 days (and even trophies commit suicide when Barca doesn't win). Liverpool is finding it's form once again and making a late Champions qualification bid. Clint Dempsey is the best EVAR at Fulham. Chelsea is poised to catch Manchester U in the last couple weeks. Drama-drama errawhere.

Charlie Sheen and #Manday: Nothing to do with sports, but this is how I spent my epic weekend. Full report soon.

Bacon cups and such,