Yes, the Wopmonkeys have returned for season tres, back at the Syphillis Shores. Gone is that wretched whore Angelina and she is being replaced by one of Snooki's friends, who is allegedly crazier. It is like God is finally answering my prayers.
Usually I simply recap these episodes while playing my awesome drinking game and mock these fucktards for their fucktardedness, but this season I am gonna step it up a couple of notches on the bedpost in two ways; 1) By literally keeping a bedpost-notch hook-up tracker (Again, to me a hook-up only involves penetration into an orifice. Finger-Vag, Penis-Mouth, Elbow-Asshole, Foot-Gaping Belly Button Wound), and 2) By naming an MVG (Most Valuable Guido) every episode in order to make the end of season MVP Award (Name TBD) that much sweeter.
Enough with the particulars...ONTO THE MOTHERFUCKING SHORE (My dearest mother helped with me the first half of this episode, but she had tune out because the "Camerawork was so shaky it made her sick." Not the swearing, horrible people and general stupidity, the camerawork. Old people are funny):
-Snooki is officially more tan than any person not currently named Wesley Snipes.
-We meet Deena (Whose name really should be spelled like D-Nuh if she wants to fit in), who is apparently the living, breathing afterbirth of Snooki. Or maybe slightly-better-looking-in-certain-camera-angles-friend. Whatever the case, she is Snooki-Squared (couldn't figure out superscript, my bad).
She has also almost has the first quotable and catchphrase of the season, but I just don't feel guyshopping is quite up to par. Plus rookies can never win. Consider this hazing.
-J-Woww is gonna cheat on T-Awm-Me this season...I can read the SUBTLE foreshadowing.
-"We clean it, and we don't go in after the Situation uses it." Pauly, to his concerned Momma on the hot tub conditions. Her advice is not, "Hey use a rubber" or "Hey, you are like 35, still living in my house and trying to hook up with 18-year olds. Grow the fuck up." These parents are fucking awful.
-I hope to fuck Ronnie cheats on Sammi, whose name I have been spelling with a Y for a while now. Like I give a shit, but I feel I am understating her whoriness if I don't give it that Stripper-i.
-"Monkeys have to go to the jungle, I have to go to the shore." -Vinny, too fucking easy.
-Ooooohhhh Duck Phone, how I have missed you. And props to MTV for reusing the old
-Rammi (Ronni+Sammi for my slower readers...so all of you) of course choose to be superdouchey and self-involved by forcing some poor sucker to live with them. Turns out it is the Sit. and that is actually pretty awesome.
"I can't bring girls back and bang them in front of Sam." -Vinny. Yes you can, nothing would be funnier than to rub it in her and Roni's faces. Literally.
-J-Woww doesn't even respond to Sammi other than a "Uhhh." Point, Wowzers.
Rebuttal: "No bag, she's just whore." -Sammi. Game fucking ON!
-"I have Vinny in the house, maybe I don't need (my tiny green dildo)." -Snooks.
-Mike is in Sam's old bed. Du-Dun-Duh...foreshadowing? Can he pull the ultimate robbery?
-"These burgers are 80% lean, 20% fat. That's how I like my women." -Vinny, off to a strong start as always.
-"I'm a walking holiday." Dino.
"I don't get it, does she give out candy? I'm a dumb fucking whore." -Sammi (may have paraphrased that a bit).
"If Deena is a holiday, then she is Thanksgiving because she has got a lot to give and she's down for a lot of stuffing." -Mike. Great fucking editing on this whole sequence. Top notch.
-Snooki gets jealous of Vinny banging her friend Ryder and then getting all handsy with D-Na. Some advice for both of them;
Vinny: Don't shit were you sleep.
Snooks: Quit having friends that are fucking WHORES! /Arab Money voice (you'll get this when I post my New Years blog).
J-W's advice to Vin is also succinct and constructive: "Stick it in one of the jet holes."
-Cowboy hat is probably another term for Deanna's cooka (cucha, kooka?)."
Once that cowboy hat is found, the Situation does indeed also find her vagine...Then acts like he has never fucking seen one before in his life...Then passes on being the first (in the house) to pound that. I will wager my car that before 2020 it will come out that the Situation is gay.
-"If I see your fucking penis rise, I'm going to bed." -Jenni, to Mike.
-Mike uses the word "audacious." Which is pretty audacious of him. It would work better if he didn't struggle to say it like he just drank molasses.
-Sammi is a bitch. D-Nuh is drunk. This is humorous and doesn't even qualify as a Situation (TM). Then, you add the secret element, Eaux de Ronald, and what you have is a powderkeg with a fuse. Snooki, now rocking her "red, flaming hair" decides to play the role of lit match, to get this fiesta off on the right foot.
She calls Sammi a bitch, Deena already called her a cunt. Then there is something about squirellmonkeys.
"I might have fabricated a bit about Ron's mom calling Sam a bitch, but when I said it, Ron didn't say a word." -Snoookkerrrs.
-Credits ruining the fight...as fucking always. Dickbags.
Hook-Ups: None. Shit's weak!
MVG: D-Nice D-NA. A little weak on the quotables because they were pretty much drunken blather, but heavy on the whorey situations (get it?), stupidity, drama and mostly for not being Angina.
Next Up: Holy fucking shit this season looks 10x as fun as Miami...Grenade Whistles, The Wicked Bitch of the Shore going home swinging, Snookers diving into sand, arrests and the fact that I might actually get to watch these episodes with real life friends...well color me tan.
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