Wednesday, September 7, 2011

A Whole Lotta Sacks: A Broncos Preview


First off, I would like to thank whatever spiritual leader has yet again allowed football to come back, while ignoring famine in Africa (and all that other bad shit I would know about if I watched the news). Excellent work up there. It is much more important for guys like Donald Driver to win Super Bowls than it is for a couple million Haitians Japanese a couple folks in Myrtle Beach to have houses. Thanks for ending that painful lockout, as now I have something to do on Sunday rather than go to church. Which is why I'm pretty certain that Western religion has this whole "rest on a Sunday" thing wrong. We should rest on Mondays for GOD, in addition to acting like sloths on Sunday for FOOTBALL.

Allrighty that I have that covered, it is time to break down the boys from Sports Authority Field at Mile High Stadium located off Colfax Avenue sponsored by Children's Hospital (If I ever say Sports Authority Field in a non-sarcastic tone, someone slap me).

Quarterbacks: Kyle Orton is our starter. This is met with joy by people who love lukewarm mashed potatoes and a bland steak from Applebees. "Yeah, derp, we won't be terrible derp!" seems to be the rallying cry of many, who would rather the Broncos go 8-8 with Orton, in his contract year, and then roll the dice with Tebow next year (I refuse to believe anyone will ever let Brady Quinn ever start another NFL game). I don't like 8-8, and there is no reason to shoot for that record, even if it might win the AFC West.

We might as well start the Tebow-Jesus, find out if he has anything redeemable and enter the Andrew Luck (shit Kellen Moore, Robert Griffin III, Case Keenum, etc. all sound better than more years of Orton) lottery if he shits the bed. And even if he performs decently and the team still sucks (high probability) we at least gave him a little trade value. Instead, we are paying Orton, Teebs and Quinn around $15 million this season and we will be in basically the same situation next season. Joy.

Running Backs: I don't get the closed book on Knowshon. Maybe he isn't an every down, pounding NFL runner, but how many teams actually have a back like that anymore? (answer, not New England, Green Bay, New Orleans, Indianapolis. You know, just 4 of the best NFL teams in the last five years). He can catch the ball, is shifty, has speed and now with Willis, doesn't have to be a short-yardage back.

Aside: {Now, was he worth a 1st round pick, over pretty much the NEXT 30 GUYS DRAFTED? Nope. Other than the shit sandwich of Robert Ayers, Darcel McBath & Alphonso Smith, I would take almost everyone down to pick 53. Let's just pause and note how fucking bad Josh McDaniels was at picking players...and solemnly swear that we will dick punch him if ever in the same room}

I predict over 1,000 yards rushing for Knowshon, but less than six touchdowns. Willis, he's gonna get about 8 tds on 200 yards.

Spencer Larson will continue to run into everything in front of him with the crown of his helmet because the NFL doesn't give a shit about defenders health (or anyone's health for that matter), just limiting helmet-to-helmet highlight hits so CNN can't replay it 40 times and damage their image.

Wide Receivers: First off, fuck John Fox for keeping only four active recievers (one of whom is Matt Willis) instead of DA. That is fucking stupid /Says guy not at all being a homer.

But the receiving corp should be pretty good this season. We know B-Lloyd and Eddie are studs. Deck is looking like a break out player and even wearing Eddy Mac's number (which oddly hasn't been worn by anyone but white guys since he retired). If Demaryious returns from his injury this and brings anything to the table, we could have one of the best corps in the league. BUT WE NEED MORE DA.

Tight Ends: Fells is dece-piece. Thomas intriguing. Virgil Green can block, I guess. I dunno, if they aren't fat, lazy AND retarded, they can't be any worse than Daniel Graham and Richard Quinn. "McFuckingDaniels" (shakes fist at sky, slumps to knees).

Lineman: Ryan Clady is solid. The rest is a work in progress. Orlando Franklin really looks special, and I don't mean that in a good way. I mean, someone who looks like this...

And does this...

...should not be successful in anything in life. But he is a fucking giant, so there is hope.

These guys better be great, because we all know, whenever there is any pressure, Bumbles McOrton will find a way to run directly at it and then fumble.

Defensive line: This is where there could be some fun. Doom and Gloom is a shitty nickname for what could be such a dynamic force. I predict double-digit sack totals from both (get it? A WHOLE LOTTA SACKS!), but unfortunately, teams will still run right up our asses like a colonoscopy (that last line will be an actual Lil' Wayne line on the Carter 5).  Man, I wish we had a defensive tackle or two. Also, Robert Ayers still technically starts at end and we only get Von down here part-time.

Linebackers: Because Von will be trying to tackle ball carriers and cover tight ends sometimes, which should be fun and in no way makes sense to me. Oh well, I'm not an expert, (unless it is on beer pong, women's soccer and how a rice surplus in Djibouti affects oil prices in Quatar {2 truths, 1 lie}).

Also, DJ Williams is back to miss crucial tackles and make excellent DUIs. Somebody named Joe Mays is our MLB and I hope he is a relative of Willy Mays, or Willy Mays Hayes, but he probably will suck.

Secondary: We have Champ, still, which is nice, plus Andre Goodman. They combined have 23 years experience in the NFL. That is a shit load, and unless they are hitting the HGH hard, not the greatest plan for a league that is always getting faster. But better than Parrish Cox, who was raped so much in coverage last season he apparently thought it was legal.

At safety we have another really old man in B-Dawk, who will prolly try to murder me in my sleep for saying something bad about him, but I'm pretty sure my slow ass could juke him out of his shoes at this point. I kid, as he still makes a few big plays and will lay some wood if you don't see him coming. Joining him is rookie Rahim Moore, who has a great name for the safety spot, if nothing else.

Special Teams: Promise to be special. Drunk Matty P (the irony is not lost on me) is a kindred spirit of mine and boots the ball. The punter is a punter. Royal con queso is a great returner of punts and Cassius Vaughn will look at a lot of balls soaring out of end zones on kickoffs.

Coaching: John Fox is a solid coach who gets a lot out of his defense and just enough out of his offense. I think he will be successful in Denver, but this isn't gonna be one of those rapid turnarounds. This team is too thin up the middle on defense. He is respected around the league, and that is something necessary for Denver after the joke that was McDaniels.

GM: ELWAY-GOD smites all who question him.

OAKLAND: Home. Monday night. Debut for Fox. Elway in stadium. W
CINCINNATI: Road. Rookie QB. Shitty team. W
@Tennessee: Too much hype. Pissed off CJ2K. Healthy Hasselbeck. L
@Green Bay: Champs. L
SAN DIEGO: I hate it, but they own us. L
@Miami: We suck in Florida. L
DETROIT: Stafford injured by Von, Doom. W
@Oakland: Several stabbings in crowd. W
@KC: Shitty schedule. L
NY JETS: Thursday night. Good defense. Close L
@San Diego: L
@Minnesota: Dome. L
CHICAGO: Cutler fucking dies. W
NEW ENGLAND: We own them. Makes no sense. W
@Buffalo: We ridin' high. W
KC: Going out on a heater. W

Final Thoughts: Yup. That's it. 8-8. A nice even record that might lay a foundation for an improvement in 2012, or it sticks us in football purgatory. Orton will be a free agent and is not a Super Bowl caliber QB. We won't have a high draft pick. We won't know what Tebow is capable of. We will be in limbo.

Oh well, at least it should be interesting.

Addendum: (I'm hedging my prediction by saying, if the Broncos start 3-0 and then somehow steal that San Diego game, they will make the playoffs. And I pray to Elway that this happens)

Addendum #2: (If Orton gets hurt and we start Teebus, we go 6-10)

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