Oh man, I am fucking stoked for this weekend. I'm going, going, back, back to college, college. Yes, after almost two years I will finally be back in good old Fort Collins for a football weekend. I have had an erection this whole week.
It is like the stars have aligned, CSU finally has a little bit of momentum and they happen to be playing the highest-ranked team ever to come to Hughes Stadium. And it just happens to be my favorite non-CSU college in America, Texas Christian (I waxed poetically about them last season).
DADDY WANTS TO RIP DOWN SOME GOALPOSTS!
Even if I don't, and CSU gets slaughtered, I will get to drink with my friends and family on a beautiful Colorado day, and then later, drink with my friends on a beautiful Colorado night. See, Colorado is pretty awesome right now, in this time called "fall." Our here in San Diego, it is still hot as not-balls (because saying "hot as balls" makes no sense, as balls are the coolest part of the body) summer and like 90 fucking degrees. Which would be awesome when it snowing in Colorado, but not near as awesome when it is awesome in Colorado. /random weather tangent
If anyone wants to partake in some beverage drinking I will be the tall fellow in lots of green shotgunning PBRs in the parking lot. With me will be my certainly-embarrassed parents. Last time they accompanied me to my buddy Dusty yakked in front of them. Whose turn is it this time? (Not mine, not mine, not mine /prayer)
The other time they visited for a football game it was delayed 3 hours due to lightning. So, whatever happens Saturday should be interesting.
Two years ago CSU should have beat TCU, but Crisco Greer and Sperry dropped sure touchdowns. This year, we better hope every TCU player gets dysentery. I'm not ruling it out though.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Monday, September 27, 2010
Weekend Sack-Up: Tang Power Baby
CSU won a motherfucking game. Yes we did, yes we did. DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES? YES!
We busted out the magic orange jerseys and sucker punched those jerk-offs from Moscow in dramatic fashion. Finally, since I started this blog one year ago, I am able to write about a CSU football victory. THINK ABOUT THAT!
This one had all the makings of another trademarked CSU cuntpunch loss (i.e. Idaho 2009, New Mexico 2006, 2007 & 2009, Wyoming 2009, Air Force 2006, etc.). We couldn't play defense, committed numerous penalties, missed extra points and it wasn't televised, so everything was relayed to me via text message/iPhone apps (which is the absolute worst way to receive bad news, as I have a tendency to blame my expensive ass phone for this news and turn it into projectile fired blindly into the sky).
But CSU came through. Petey Thomas stepped up like a gotdamn boss, Ray-Ray Carter showed us that Crenshaw steez that made him a big-time recruit and Ben DeLine made up for his previous error and TOTALLY REDEEMED HIMSELF. (P.S. I spent Saturday night live-tweeting Dumb & Dumber. Check it out on Twitter. Just start the movie at the redemption/scooter scene and check out the #livetweetingdumbndumber hastag. Maybe my finest work ever).
I am just so excited that the Rams won't be carrying a 13-game losing streak into the TCU game next week, which I will be attending. I was really worried it would be a shitty gameday atmosphere (though I'm sure CSU will roll out the red carpet for me, #I'mkindabigdeal), but we shouldn't have a tough time getting asses in the seats next week. CSU students and fans seemed to be out in force Saturday, and with the highest-ranked team to ever play at Hughes and the Mighty Sack plus his parents in attendence, wow, shit is gonna be WILD.
BRONCOS:
We lost. Peyton Manning is really good. Even when outplayed by Kyle Orton (which kinda boggles the mind).
Still, five trips to the red zone and no touchdowns, that'll cost you every time.
I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really hate Austin Collie. At some point I'll put together my all-Hater team, but I know Marmalard is QB and Collie has the slot WR spot locked up.
Still, there are some definite bright spots for the Bronchachos so hopefully we figure it out.
(AND why, if we has a Tebow-Jesus, is he not our goalline fullquarterback mcJumppasser? What the fuck good is Virgin Air?)
Rockies:
You guys fought hard, but you were snakebit this week and then outpitched by the Giants. Tulo and Cargo can't do it all every single game. It was a fun season, but a little more consistency in June and July would've helped out a whole lot right now.
Let's find a veteran inning-eating starter, a couple solid relievers and a first baseman who can hit. Then we shall dominate.
And if somebody could teach Dexter Fowler to hit, that would be great.
Advanced Scouting:
I went to this weekend's SDSU game. That shit is soooooooo weak compared to a CSU game. And I don't think we even are in the top-40 as far as football game atmosphere goes.
I'll break this down further for the pre-SDSU/CSU game, but the only good thing about SDSU games is the girls.
I also learned that the Asstechs (tehee) are pretty good, but Utah State is maybe the worst team I have ever watched. Keep in mind, I watched CSU get dick-kicked by Nevada two weeks ago. How USU could go from losing by seven AT Oklahoma to a 40-point ass beating by State is astounding. I guess it shows just how wild the swings can be in college football. So much is based on emotion and matchups that don't translate or transfer from game-to-game.
U-Bald-O?: I got a marine recruit buzzcut on Saturday as well. Once it became clear that the Rockies and Tulo were done, I decided my mullet dream was over as well. I literally had about 100 people watch me get a haircut and I found out that I have a lumpy head. I'm just glad that my hair will grow back.
Melo: Good riddance. Enjoy New Joisey and trading away any chance of basketball success to help your fat, no-talent baby momma get another shitty VH1 show.
Oh, as well, I will wager that I watch moreBullets (oops, David Stern says we should just forget that whole gun thingy-ma-who) Washington games this season because I actually can cheer for a couple guys on that team. The only Nuggo I really like this year is Al Harrington, because he gets BUCKETS!
(This is a lie, I like Bird and Lawson as well, and I tolerate Chauncey. Everyone else, you are on notice. Remember, my season preview is coming up. I'll put you bitches on blast!)
I leave you with some lovely musica courtesy of @blackprez
"Black and purple, but we rock the orange too, with the navy blue, and the powder too, gold on the side, you know how we do, and I rep my school, C-S-U"
-Sack
We busted out the magic orange jerseys and sucker punched those jerk-offs from Moscow in dramatic fashion. Finally, since I started this blog one year ago, I am able to write about a CSU football victory. THINK ABOUT THAT!
This one had all the makings of another trademarked CSU cuntpunch loss (i.e. Idaho 2009, New Mexico 2006, 2007 & 2009, Wyoming 2009, Air Force 2006, etc.). We couldn't play defense, committed numerous penalties, missed extra points and it wasn't televised, so everything was relayed to me via text message/iPhone apps (which is the absolute worst way to receive bad news, as I have a tendency to blame my expensive ass phone for this news and turn it into projectile fired blindly into the sky).
But CSU came through. Petey Thomas stepped up like a gotdamn boss, Ray-Ray Carter showed us that Crenshaw steez that made him a big-time recruit and Ben DeLine made up for his previous error and TOTALLY REDEEMED HIMSELF. (P.S. I spent Saturday night live-tweeting Dumb & Dumber. Check it out on Twitter. Just start the movie at the redemption/scooter scene and check out the #livetweetingdumbndumber hastag. Maybe my finest work ever).
I am just so excited that the Rams won't be carrying a 13-game losing streak into the TCU game next week, which I will be attending. I was really worried it would be a shitty gameday atmosphere (though I'm sure CSU will roll out the red carpet for me, #I'mkindabigdeal), but we shouldn't have a tough time getting asses in the seats next week. CSU students and fans seemed to be out in force Saturday, and with the highest-ranked team to ever play at Hughes and the Mighty Sack plus his parents in attendence, wow, shit is gonna be WILD.
BRONCOS:
We lost. Peyton Manning is really good. Even when outplayed by Kyle Orton (which kinda boggles the mind).
Still, five trips to the red zone and no touchdowns, that'll cost you every time.
I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really hate Austin Collie. At some point I'll put together my all-Hater team, but I know Marmalard is QB and Collie has the slot WR spot locked up.
Still, there are some definite bright spots for the Bronchachos so hopefully we figure it out.
(AND why, if we has a Tebow-Jesus, is he not our goalline fullquarterback mcJumppasser? What the fuck good is Virgin Air?)
Rockies:
You guys fought hard, but you were snakebit this week and then outpitched by the Giants. Tulo and Cargo can't do it all every single game. It was a fun season, but a little more consistency in June and July would've helped out a whole lot right now.
Let's find a veteran inning-eating starter, a couple solid relievers and a first baseman who can hit. Then we shall dominate.
And if somebody could teach Dexter Fowler to hit, that would be great.
Advanced Scouting:
I went to this weekend's SDSU game. That shit is soooooooo weak compared to a CSU game. And I don't think we even are in the top-40 as far as football game atmosphere goes.
I'll break this down further for the pre-SDSU/CSU game, but the only good thing about SDSU games is the girls.
I also learned that the Asstechs (tehee) are pretty good, but Utah State is maybe the worst team I have ever watched. Keep in mind, I watched CSU get dick-kicked by Nevada two weeks ago. How USU could go from losing by seven AT Oklahoma to a 40-point ass beating by State is astounding. I guess it shows just how wild the swings can be in college football. So much is based on emotion and matchups that don't translate or transfer from game-to-game.
U-Bald-O?: I got a marine recruit buzzcut on Saturday as well. Once it became clear that the Rockies and Tulo were done, I decided my mullet dream was over as well. I literally had about 100 people watch me get a haircut and I found out that I have a lumpy head. I'm just glad that my hair will grow back.
"Keep a fresh bald head like I just left Chemo"
Melo: Good riddance. Enjoy New Joisey and trading away any chance of basketball success to help your fat, no-talent baby momma get another shitty VH1 show.
Oh, as well, I will wager that I watch more
(This is a lie, I like Bird and Lawson as well, and I tolerate Chauncey. Everyone else, you are on notice. Remember, my season preview is coming up. I'll put you bitches on blast!)
I leave you with some lovely musica courtesy of @blackprez
"Black and purple, but we rock the orange too, with the navy blue, and the powder too, gold on the side, you know how we do, and I rep my school, C-S-U"
-Sack
Friday, September 24, 2010
Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 2, Episode 9
But you never know, this could be the week Brandon Marshall drops by to slap bitches (I'm really hoping for this as a dramatic season finale).
Our last vague memories of the Guidskis was of a very sad and forlorn Vinny. He was stood up by the girl of his dreams, who he was sure he would be his soulmate and he was totally gonna introduce to his mommy and they would live happily ever after in their house made of pasta with his 87 creepy uncles that just want him to bang strange trim. So sad.
-Ronnie comes with his best romantic overtures, trying to re-gift the flowers that Vinny bought for his Dreamlover to Sammy. Shockingly, Sam is not thrilled that her flowers are covered with "(Ron's) children, Mike children and Snooki juice."
No wonder Chivalry is dead, bitches turning their noses up at sperm Roses.
-"I'm the woman, so I pick and choose when we have sex." -Angelina. Ben Rothlisberger strongly disagrees with this opinion.
Angie also apparently would rather be labeled a whore and say she smushed two guys in two nights (or, as Kappas call it, Thursday) rather than be called a prude. Logical.
-"I don't want to turn her into a stalker, which I have a tendency to do." -Pauly D. No, Pauly, you have a tendency to hook up with lonely, damaged women, some of whom have a tendency to act like themselves (aka crazy stalker biatches).
-The first thing douchey T-Aw-Me from Bawstawn does is snoop through J-Woww's phone book. Trust issues?
Don't worry, the couple quickly has a rational discussion about trust and the dangers of prying into other's personal space and decides that they will be more open in the future so these kind of outbursts are a thing of the past.
Haha, no that would be disgusting. Tawwmmy just sticks a booger in J-Woww's mouth (Rothlisberger would have stuck something else in there). [Two Rapelisberger jokes already, I'm on a roll]
-Cucha? Cooka? Cooocha? Whatever word that Snooks is using for her vagina is pretty awesome. Plus the fact the she once almost broke her vagina bone on Vinny's dick is classic (I know she says bicycle as she hit a house, but both of those are clearly euphemisms for Vinny's dick).
-"IIIIIITTTTTT'SSSSs TTTT-SHIRRRRTTTT TIIIIMMMME!" (Repeat x100)... "CAB"S HERE!"
-"You're so hot." -Mike. "Thanks, I'm a model." -Random not-model.
If you have to say it, you aren't. I am tall, I don't tell people I'm tall. Just saying.
-"You ever had that feeling, where you are having the worst time and want to kill everyone?" -Random tool/douche/taint/Cuban.
"Yeah, right now." -Snookers.
-Blacked out Snooks creepy crawls into J-Woww and Tommy's smash-session like a grommet. She really is pretty amazing. Just TV fucking gold.
BTW, every time a couple of people fight in this show, they later hook-up (Ron+Sam, Vin+Angie, J-Woww+Tom. I sense a trend.)
-Does Jackass really need to be in 3D? It's like that testicle attached to a rocket is gonna explode right in my face. Can't wait.
(In reality, I will support this solely because I know that Bam, Johnny and Steve's coke funds have got to be pretty low right now, and they were pretty vital to my teenage developement. How else would I have survived in the dale without shopping cart crashes and throwing pool balls at my friend's balls).
-Pauly D should create more "excitement" in the Ron and Sam relationship. I would suggest writing a note about what Ron did and hiding it in Sam's bed.
-"I know that every month (Girls) have a situation." -Mike, unwittingly calling himself a bloody menstrual cramp. Can't really describe him in more flattering terms.
-Mike puts the bloody "Situation" in Angie's bed. She finds it, laughs it off. Upset he is still unable to truly piss her off, Mike decides to call her out in front of her new friend about being a whore. Apparently this crossed the line, now Angelina is pissed.
Next week: Mike and Angelina bang. Also, Snooki and Angelina fight. I am willing to assume they then bang.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Weekend Sack-Up: LA=Doyers, Puzies & Dead Hookers
I went to LA this weekend to watch the Rocks play the Doyers. I anticipated a great game, as Ubaldo was pitching and I would be meeting up with several friends to watch the game. I also figured I might have some fun following the game and the next day. The trip didn't disappoint:
-Usually I try to time my trips up to LA in the wee early morning hours (like 2-4 AM). Sadly, on this occasion I had to leave at 2PM. Not terrible, but I determined that taking road sodas would be a bad idea (no Braylon Edwards).
-I met up with my boy Jon at his work. He lets me know that he bought 15 tickets for the game that night and we have a place to stay down in Hollywood to party following the game.
He is one of the few people that I will concede is a bigger asshole than I, which is really saying something. If I am the second (or possibly third during this trip) biggest asshole of a group we are in for a delightfully frightful time.
-It takes us about an hour and a half to go from Jon's work to our pregaming spot, including a way too long pitstop for beer at the world's slowest grocery store. Fortunetly I am able to begin drinking cold, watery Coors Light. Gotta taste the Rockies before seeing the Rocks.
-We arrive at our pregaming location and slowly but surely all 20-ish people stream into a the 2-bedroom apartment. It becomes pretty clear everyone who was promised a place to stay will not be able to fit. (Foreshadowing). I don't care, because I am about 5 beers deep and set for blackout-ville.
-The hosts have alphabet letters on their fridge (and a CU magnet, so fuck them) so we spell out "Doyers & Puzies." These are the goals for the night
-At about 6:45 we begin driving to Dodger Stadium. It is 4.5 miles away and my GPS says it should take about 7 minutes to arrive. Gametime is at 7. All right.
Except this is LA, so it takes about an hour to go the 4.5 miles. What a lovely city, who doesn't want to live here? (And why can't they put in some sort of mass transit? Why does everyone just concede that traffic has to be horrible?)
-During the entire time driving everyone in the car (except the Azn, the only girl, ironically) has to take a piss. As soon as the car parked, LA saw it's first significant moisture in months. A lack of bladder control became another trend for this trip.
-The Rocks are up 2-1, as Tulo yakked another one. I am pissed that I missed this, but generally confused why Ubaldo has given up a run. As I wait to get my two beers, the Doyers score again. This is not going according to plan.
-We get to our seats and are literally the only Rockies fans in our section. We are also, by far, the most vocal group of fans in the stadium. One would think this is a recipe for disaster, but fortunately LA fans are so downtrodden they really don't give a shit.
-At some point I trade my (pink) sunglasses and blue Rocks hat to R Kelly, one of the girls in the group, for her fedora. I think this is the oldest flirting trick in the book.
Everytime I pass someone the rest of the night I tip my hat. Gotta keep it classy.
-As the Rockies lead 7-4 in the 7th & 8th inning, the Doyer fans start chanting "Rockies suck." Which leads us to respond "19 games back." It is actually only like 10 games, but a little hyperbole is necessary to reach these douchers.
-The Rocks hold on after Huston Street makes is interesting, letting me walk out of Doyer Stadium with pride (and no stab wounds). My record at Rockies games for the season at .500.
-Our plan is to hit up Hollywood, but our ex-hosts decide that they no longer want to host anyone. Which kind of blows.
I don't really blame them, as I wouldn't want to host about 15 drunkards. But to freeze us out at 12:30 is kinda fucked up.
It is now like 12:30, so half the group heads back to the beaches where they live, but there won't be any time to party. About 7 of us stay behind, determined to do the Hollywood thing.
-In an effort to make room for one of our group to park his jeep, Jon, The Naked Black Man and I literally pick up a Carolla and move it. Then we might have accidentally ripped off the bumper a little. LOOK AT THAT STRENGTH! (That is why cars shouldn't be made of plastic, Toyota.)
-We take a cab straight to Hollywood and Vine, deciding to go to the first place that doesn't have a line. We settle on a place called Dublin Square. It is feaux-Irish and has relatively cheap drinks, so everyone is happy. We do our best to get as much drinking done in the next hour as possible.
-It is suddenly 1:30 and we have lost the seventh member of our group, who apparently likes to ghost himself home without telling anyone. I'm not too concerned, because the ratio just to 3 girls and 3 guys after starting the night at like 14-6.
-As we are kicked out of the bar, someone grabs me and yells "What the fuck?" or something inherently similar. Turns out, it is The Actor, my ex-hallmate and prominent X-Games enthusiast. Yup, out of 13 million people who reside in LA (and not counting the millions of illegals/weekend visitors), I run into him.
We catch up real quick, while getting hassled by bouncers (bouncers are so gay) to leave. In case anyone is interested, he is doing fast-food commercials and appears to have the beginnings of an entourage (one of them told me "That happens a lot, you get used to it," when The Actor stopped to talk to a girl. Good to know. None of my friends ever talk to girls).
-We catch a cab, force it to make a detour to a liquor store for a bottle of vodka, before taking us to the closest hotel. We end up at the Dunne's Inn or something, a place that I am sure is where hookers go to die. The giant, full-length mirror by the bed really gives the place some atmosphere.
-We take pulls of vodka into the wee hours of the morning until everything becomes blurry and no one really recalls what happened. I am awakened at some random time by R Kelly, the girl next to me, alerting me that she just got peed on. I am dry, but the Naked Black Man is soaked. Apparently this is a reoccurring problem for him.
There is only one option in this case, as her and I now have to sleep on the floor of the Dead-Hooker Hotel.
-We wake up the next morning to Naked Black Man wrapped in just a towel, after showering off and planning on taking his clothes to a laundromat. He is also asking if anyone can loan him some clothes.
We begin pulling shots, but after one I have to retire. The footlong Subway and burrito that I ate at 2:30AM are not settling too well. We have a long talk about sex, love and why most girls can't have orgasms from dick alone, all while the naked black man struts around in a towel, or less, for far too long.
At one point one of the girls catches a long glimpse of his man-region and determines that she "...just saw the whole thing- it looks like Africa."
-At about noon the front desk calls to demand that we leave. Jon asks the attendant "About how many hookers come here?"
The response, "Too many."
-We finally catch a cab, with a very confused and dickish driver. He refuses to turn on the AC, refuses to speak any English and to even understand where we are going. It doesn't help that Jon is in a pissed off mood and mocking him at every turn, while Naked Black Man is in the front seat making awkward conversation.
Eventually though, the driver loosens up and begins yelling that Naked Black Man is asian, because he has slanty eyes and glasses. Or something. They actually begin polling random people on the street. Like a racist version of cash cab.
-We finally get back to our ex-hosts place (one of the girls we were with was the sister of a host, making everything especially awkward, since he had booted her and friends the previous night). As the girls pack up there stuff, Jon and I stay out the ex-hosts way.
Naked Black Man, not so much. Wearing just a pair of athletic shorts that left nothing to the imagination, he plops down on the couch next to them and tries to strike up a conversation.
On the uncomfortable scale, I have to think that waking up for a late brunch and some football on a Saturday, only to be joined randomly by a naked black man has to be up there.
-The only thing that could really up the awkwardness? Jon picking up a copy of "The Vagina Monologues" and reciting poetry about his "angry vagina."
-We finally escaped, I got back to my car and drove home to San Diego. A 24 hour trip to LA that seemed to take weeks.
I capped the weekend with another taxi cab ride that featured a story of bean-burrito salad-tossing (Never ask taxi drivers for their craziest story, it is always super disturbing) and free tickets to see the "Last Comic Standing Tour."
Yeah, it was pretty damn eventful weekend.
Also; CSU finally scored a touchdown, the Broncos looked pretty good and the Rocks blew a golden chance.
-Usually I try to time my trips up to LA in the wee early morning hours (like 2-4 AM). Sadly, on this occasion I had to leave at 2PM. Not terrible, but I determined that taking road sodas would be a bad idea (no Braylon Edwards).
-I met up with my boy Jon at his work. He lets me know that he bought 15 tickets for the game that night and we have a place to stay down in Hollywood to party following the game.
He is one of the few people that I will concede is a bigger asshole than I, which is really saying something. If I am the second (or possibly third during this trip) biggest asshole of a group we are in for a delightfully frightful time.
-It takes us about an hour and a half to go from Jon's work to our pregaming spot, including a way too long pitstop for beer at the world's slowest grocery store. Fortunetly I am able to begin drinking cold, watery Coors Light. Gotta taste the Rockies before seeing the Rocks.
-We arrive at our pregaming location and slowly but surely all 20-ish people stream into a the 2-bedroom apartment. It becomes pretty clear everyone who was promised a place to stay will not be able to fit. (Foreshadowing). I don't care, because I am about 5 beers deep and set for blackout-ville.
-The hosts have alphabet letters on their fridge (and a CU magnet, so fuck them) so we spell out "Doyers & Puzies." These are the goals for the night
-At about 6:45 we begin driving to Dodger Stadium. It is 4.5 miles away and my GPS says it should take about 7 minutes to arrive. Gametime is at 7. All right.
Except this is LA, so it takes about an hour to go the 4.5 miles. What a lovely city, who doesn't want to live here? (And why can't they put in some sort of mass transit? Why does everyone just concede that traffic has to be horrible?)
-During the entire time driving everyone in the car (except the Azn, the only girl, ironically) has to take a piss. As soon as the car parked, LA saw it's first significant moisture in months. A lack of bladder control became another trend for this trip.
-The Rocks are up 2-1, as Tulo yakked another one. I am pissed that I missed this, but generally confused why Ubaldo has given up a run. As I wait to get my two beers, the Doyers score again. This is not going according to plan.
-We get to our seats and are literally the only Rockies fans in our section. We are also, by far, the most vocal group of fans in the stadium. One would think this is a recipe for disaster, but fortunately LA fans are so downtrodden they really don't give a shit.
-At some point I trade my (pink) sunglasses and blue Rocks hat to R Kelly, one of the girls in the group, for her fedora. I think this is the oldest flirting trick in the book.
Everytime I pass someone the rest of the night I tip my hat. Gotta keep it classy.
-As the Rockies lead 7-4 in the 7th & 8th inning, the Doyer fans start chanting "Rockies suck." Which leads us to respond "19 games back." It is actually only like 10 games, but a little hyperbole is necessary to reach these douchers.
-The Rocks hold on after Huston Street makes is interesting, letting me walk out of Doyer Stadium with pride (and no stab wounds). My record at Rockies games for the season at .500.
-Our plan is to hit up Hollywood, but our ex-hosts decide that they no longer want to host anyone. Which kind of blows.
I don't really blame them, as I wouldn't want to host about 15 drunkards. But to freeze us out at 12:30 is kinda fucked up.
It is now like 12:30, so half the group heads back to the beaches where they live, but there won't be any time to party. About 7 of us stay behind, determined to do the Hollywood thing.
-In an effort to make room for one of our group to park his jeep, Jon, The Naked Black Man and I literally pick up a Carolla and move it. Then we might have accidentally ripped off the bumper a little. LOOK AT THAT STRENGTH! (That is why cars shouldn't be made of plastic, Toyota.)
-We take a cab straight to Hollywood and Vine, deciding to go to the first place that doesn't have a line. We settle on a place called Dublin Square. It is feaux-Irish and has relatively cheap drinks, so everyone is happy. We do our best to get as much drinking done in the next hour as possible.
-It is suddenly 1:30 and we have lost the seventh member of our group, who apparently likes to ghost himself home without telling anyone. I'm not too concerned, because the ratio just to 3 girls and 3 guys after starting the night at like 14-6.
-As we are kicked out of the bar, someone grabs me and yells "What the fuck?" or something inherently similar. Turns out, it is The Actor, my ex-hallmate and prominent X-Games enthusiast. Yup, out of 13 million people who reside in LA (and not counting the millions of illegals/weekend visitors), I run into him.
We catch up real quick, while getting hassled by bouncers (bouncers are so gay) to leave. In case anyone is interested, he is doing fast-food commercials and appears to have the beginnings of an entourage (one of them told me "That happens a lot, you get used to it," when The Actor stopped to talk to a girl. Good to know. None of my friends ever talk to girls).
-We catch a cab, force it to make a detour to a liquor store for a bottle of vodka, before taking us to the closest hotel. We end up at the Dunne's Inn or something, a place that I am sure is where hookers go to die. The giant, full-length mirror by the bed really gives the place some atmosphere.
-We take pulls of vodka into the wee hours of the morning until everything becomes blurry and no one really recalls what happened. I am awakened at some random time by R Kelly, the girl next to me, alerting me that she just got peed on. I am dry, but the Naked Black Man is soaked. Apparently this is a reoccurring problem for him.
There is only one option in this case, as her and I now have to sleep on the floor of the Dead-Hooker Hotel.
-We wake up the next morning to Naked Black Man wrapped in just a towel, after showering off and planning on taking his clothes to a laundromat. He is also asking if anyone can loan him some clothes.
We begin pulling shots, but after one I have to retire. The footlong Subway and burrito that I ate at 2:30AM are not settling too well. We have a long talk about sex, love and why most girls can't have orgasms from dick alone, all while the naked black man struts around in a towel, or less, for far too long.
At one point one of the girls catches a long glimpse of his man-region and determines that she "...just saw the whole thing- it looks like Africa."
-At about noon the front desk calls to demand that we leave. Jon asks the attendant "About how many hookers come here?"
The response, "Too many."
-We finally catch a cab, with a very confused and dickish driver. He refuses to turn on the AC, refuses to speak any English and to even understand where we are going. It doesn't help that Jon is in a pissed off mood and mocking him at every turn, while Naked Black Man is in the front seat making awkward conversation.
Eventually though, the driver loosens up and begins yelling that Naked Black Man is asian, because he has slanty eyes and glasses. Or something. They actually begin polling random people on the street. Like a racist version of cash cab.
-We finally get back to our ex-hosts place (one of the girls we were with was the sister of a host, making everything especially awkward, since he had booted her and friends the previous night). As the girls pack up there stuff, Jon and I stay out the ex-hosts way.
Naked Black Man, not so much. Wearing just a pair of athletic shorts that left nothing to the imagination, he plops down on the couch next to them and tries to strike up a conversation.
On the uncomfortable scale, I have to think that waking up for a late brunch and some football on a Saturday, only to be joined randomly by a naked black man has to be up there.
-The only thing that could really up the awkwardness? Jon picking up a copy of "The Vagina Monologues" and reciting poetry about his "angry vagina."
-We finally escaped, I got back to my car and drove home to San Diego. A 24 hour trip to LA that seemed to take weeks.
I capped the weekend with another taxi cab ride that featured a story of bean-burrito salad-tossing (Never ask taxi drivers for their craziest story, it is always super disturbing) and free tickets to see the "Last Comic Standing Tour."
Yeah, it was pretty damn eventful weekend.
Also; CSU finally scored a touchdown, the Broncos looked pretty good and the Rocks blew a golden chance.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Pregaming Analysis: Los Doyers
I am aware that I usually do these pregaming analysis-es for the team that CSU is playing, but I really can't muster half a shit about Miami of Ohio. I mean, if this was Miami of Flo-Rida I would have a billion jokes, but all I know about Miami-Oh-Miami is that the sorostitutes there have poopy, pukey parties and that Rapey McRapelisberger attended (and a few of my cousins, unrelated to both previous points, I hope).
Onto the Broncos, who gives a fuckstain about Seattle. We used to be their rival, but all they ever did was get beat by John Elway. Now they are coached by Pete Carroll and sadly unable to participate in the postseason because of Reggie Bush (or something).
But this weekend I am more focused on baseball, as tomorrow I will be taking my happy ass up to LA to watch my Rockies beat up on the bitch ass Dodgers.
I really dislike Dodgers fans, mostly because they are also Lakers fans (they are also mostly Mexicans, unrelated to my hatred, but they are probablyRaiders just win, baby). The last time I attended a game somehow Ubaldo lost 2-0. Then some Dodger fan told me to "Enjoy my drive back to Colorado." That would be a long commute, all the way back to CO, but probably quicker than taking the 405 from Long Beach to Westwood /LA traffic humor.
You know what really sucks about the Dodgers? They don't allow tailgating. Last time there Samolemole almost got an Public Intox ticket. Fortunately, his arguement "I'm from Colorado, we drink in parking lots," worked, but to play it safe I will just probably pull an Always Sunny and drink wine in a Coke can or beer in a water bottle.
To summarize, the Rocks are TULO Git 2 Quit.
Rocktober is on the horizon.
Onto the Broncos, who gives a fuckstain about Seattle. We used to be their rival, but all they ever did was get beat by John Elway. Now they are coached by Pete Carroll and sadly unable to participate in the postseason because of Reggie Bush (or something).
But this weekend I am more focused on baseball, as tomorrow I will be taking my happy ass up to LA to watch my Rockies beat up on the bitch ass Dodgers.
I really dislike Dodgers fans, mostly because they are also Lakers fans (they are also mostly Mexicans, unrelated to my hatred, but they are probablyRaiders just win, baby). The last time I attended a game somehow Ubaldo lost 2-0. Then some Dodger fan told me to "Enjoy my drive back to Colorado." That would be a long commute, all the way back to CO, but probably quicker than taking the 405 from Long Beach to Westwood /LA traffic humor.
You know what really sucks about the Dodgers? They don't allow tailgating. Last time there Samolemole almost got an Public Intox ticket. Fortunately, his arguement "I'm from Colorado, we drink in parking lots," worked, but to play it safe I will just probably pull an Always Sunny and drink wine in a Coke can or beer in a water bottle.
To summarize, the Rocks are TULO Git 2 Quit.
Rocktober is on the horizon.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 2, Episode 7 & 8 (Double Wrap that Shiz)
Oh, wait. That is what should happen. Instead, Ron and Sam will fight. And the Situation will spit really contrived catchphrases. At least the J-Woww-Sammy rumble should take place, but if I know MTV (and I do), that will be at the DRAMATIC CONCLUSION of the episode.Also, there was football to watch. Since CSU has given up on football, I am back to blogging about the Shore. PLUS, there were TWO fucking episodes this week and I had no idea. Look how out of the loop I was (and fortunate for my DVR).
We pick up this week with Ron and Sam back together, Sammy pissed at the girls for writing the note telling her Ron was cheating on her and Vinny pissed at Angelina for being born. Let the good times roll after the jump.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Weekend Sack-Up: Big Ball of Fuckness AND GOLDENTHONGROIDS
Thank God for the Rocks. If it wasn't for them I'd have hung myself six times this weekend. Because everything else was SHIT. SHIT SHIT SHIT.
CSU: I was so excited for college football all summer long, reading every article and stoked to see the Rams get after it. I planned it so that I have most Saturdays off, in a concerted effort to watch the Rams (and of course, other CFB games), I am traveling to Colorado for the TCU game and will help organize a tailgate for the SDSU game. So pumped on CSU football.
Until this fucking shit. I'm not sure I will even tune in to any future CSU games, even if I am drunk in the parking lot 100 yards away. I think Cherry Creek would kick our ass right now.
I know we are young. I know we lack size and talent on the lines and experience at key skill positions. Still, I would expect some fight, some creativity, some passion. Something.
Instead, we got nothing.
I'm hoping that things will change. That we are limiting our playbook in an attempt to ease the transition for these youngsters. That as the season progresses our playbook will increase, our confidence will surge and this collection of people on the field will begin to look like a team. And maybe, just maybe, that team can play with a passion and fight that will make me proud to be a CSU Ram, but it is hard to see right now.
While we didn't look as anemic in 2008, remember we started that year with a 20 point loss to CU, barely beat a middle-of-the-pack Big Sky team in Sac St., before stealing games against Houston and UNLV. And that was with a senior laden team that was clearly more talented. That team progressed, and I feel that this team has nowhere to go but up. I have got to beleive that the Belly of the Whale is a 45-point blow out to Nevada.
I am fully expecting to see a different CSU team vs. Miami (shitty version) on Saturday, even if the game isn't televised. We might even score a touchdown.
Or, at the very least I hope the University leaders are betting our endowment against the Rams, as there probably isn't a safer investment in the world.
(Also, glad I'm not working for CSU Media Relations right now, this would be a tough sell).
Broncos: I predicted the Broncos would lose 52-5, just following suit of our other Colorado football teams. So I should take a 7-point loss in stride.
We always lose in Florida, and really the Broncos were just one or two inches from tying this game on Bradon Lloyd's catch in the 4th.
Much like the end of last season, however, the Broncos couldn't run and couldn't get big stops on defense. That worries me.
No pictures this week, because I didn't even get to watch the game.
P.S. How could Tim Tebow lose his first NFL game? Does not compute.
Rockies: This is just amazing. In the last week every day has been a thrill-ride, watching the Rockies roll and watching the Padres choke. And I'm not giving them the Heimlich, I'm just watching their fans (all 15 of them) die in front of me. Great fun.
How many more ways can this team win? This season we have had a 9-run comeback, 8-run comeback, 5-0 comeback capped by a steal of home and it appears that Giambino got his gold thong back (or his August roids cycle is finally paying off). Even when Tulo and Cargo go cold, someone else plays the hero roll. I'm not sure I would bat an eye if Jeff Francis hits a walk-off tomorrow, shit is just that surreal.
So much fun to watch. And really, all I have right now.
Thanks for keeping me alive, Rockies.
Bonus: Since this was kinda lacking in my usual snark and/or humor, here are 5 new songs that everyone should enjoy. Also, how they loosely relate to sports or something.
-Wiz Khalifa: Black and Yellow. A nod to the colors that represent Pittsburgh. Pretty damn cool. Pittsburgh still blows, but I love the fact that the color scheme permeates all sports.
-Pimp C: Since The 90s. "While you still trying to get it, since the 90s I been rich, pussy (ginger)." Like Pimp C, CSU football was badass in the 90s and is now dead. RIP. We need to act like the Rockies and become Zombies that come back from the dead and refuse to lose.
-Lil' Wayne and Drake: Right Above It. "You know you at the top when heaven's right above it." Pretty much where the Rockies are right now.
-Cee-Lo- Fuck You. I dedicate this to BYU and Utah, for leaving the MWC for more money.
-Shawty Lo: Atlanta, GA (ft. the Dream, Luda & Gucci Mane)- I just really like this song.
CSU: I was so excited for college football all summer long, reading every article and stoked to see the Rams get after it. I planned it so that I have most Saturdays off, in a concerted effort to watch the Rams (and of course, other CFB games), I am traveling to Colorado for the TCU game and will help organize a tailgate for the SDSU game. So pumped on CSU football.
Until this fucking shit. I'm not sure I will even tune in to any future CSU games, even if I am drunk in the parking lot 100 yards away. I think Cherry Creek would kick our ass right now.
I know we are young. I know we lack size and talent on the lines and experience at key skill positions. Still, I would expect some fight, some creativity, some passion. Something.
Instead, we got nothing.
I'm hoping that things will change. That we are limiting our playbook in an attempt to ease the transition for these youngsters. That as the season progresses our playbook will increase, our confidence will surge and this collection of people on the field will begin to look like a team. And maybe, just maybe, that team can play with a passion and fight that will make me proud to be a CSU Ram, but it is hard to see right now.
While we didn't look as anemic in 2008, remember we started that year with a 20 point loss to CU, barely beat a middle-of-the-pack Big Sky team in Sac St., before stealing games against Houston and UNLV. And that was with a senior laden team that was clearly more talented. That team progressed, and I feel that this team has nowhere to go but up. I have got to beleive that the Belly of the Whale is a 45-point blow out to Nevada.
I am fully expecting to see a different CSU team vs. Miami (shitty version) on Saturday, even if the game isn't televised. We might even score a touchdown.
Or, at the very least I hope the University leaders are betting our endowment against the Rams, as there probably isn't a safer investment in the world.
(Also, glad I'm not working for CSU Media Relations right now, this would be a tough sell).
Broncos: I predicted the Broncos would lose 52-5, just following suit of our other Colorado football teams. So I should take a 7-point loss in stride.
We always lose in Florida, and really the Broncos were just one or two inches from tying this game on Bradon Lloyd's catch in the 4th.
Much like the end of last season, however, the Broncos couldn't run and couldn't get big stops on defense. That worries me.
No pictures this week, because I didn't even get to watch the game.
P.S. How could Tim Tebow lose his first NFL game? Does not compute.
Rockies: This is just amazing. In the last week every day has been a thrill-ride, watching the Rockies roll and watching the Padres choke. And I'm not giving them the Heimlich, I'm just watching their fans (all 15 of them) die in front of me. Great fun.
How many more ways can this team win? This season we have had a 9-run comeback, 8-run comeback, 5-0 comeback capped by a steal of home and it appears that Giambino got his gold thong back (or his August roids cycle is finally paying off). Even when Tulo and Cargo go cold, someone else plays the hero roll. I'm not sure I would bat an eye if Jeff Francis hits a walk-off tomorrow, shit is just that surreal.
So much fun to watch. And really, all I have right now.
Thanks for keeping me alive, Rockies.
Bonus: Since this was kinda lacking in my usual snark and/or humor, here are 5 new songs that everyone should enjoy. Also, how they loosely relate to sports or something.
-Wiz Khalifa: Black and Yellow. A nod to the colors that represent Pittsburgh. Pretty damn cool. Pittsburgh still blows, but I love the fact that the color scheme permeates all sports.
-Pimp C: Since The 90s. "While you still trying to get it, since the 90s I been rich, pussy (ginger)." Like Pimp C, CSU football was badass in the 90s and is now dead. RIP. We need to act like the Rockies and become Zombies that come back from the dead and refuse to lose.
-Lil' Wayne and Drake: Right Above It. "You know you at the top when heaven's right above it." Pretty much where the Rockies are right now.
-Cee-Lo- Fuck You. I dedicate this to BYU and Utah, for leaving the MWC for more money.
-Shawty Lo: Atlanta, GA (ft. the Dream, Luda & Gucci Mane)- I just really like this song.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Broncos Preview & I May Have Overreacted to the CU Loss
It has been a rough week. After losing that abortion of a game I kinda blacked out (due to the alcohol and the anger) and woke up in Colorado 17 hours later holding an empty gas can and empty box of matches.
For this, I would like to apologize to the municipality of Boulder. Things got a little out of hand and boy are your mountains dry. Maybe you hippie/yuppie fucks should stop building houses in the middle of the forest (or, just blame Global Warming. Which I totally believe in, but this fire wasn't caused by global warming, it was caused by urban sprawl). Anyway, sorry bout the 135+ houses, BUT YOU MADE ME DO THIS!!
Yeah, CSU sucked some world class dick last weekend. The only bright side is we were really young in really important positions. Also, CU maybe isn't as terrible as we thought (Hopefully this is true). Now we take on the Pistol packing fudgepack from Reno 9-1-1.
They feature uber-quarterback Colin Kapernick and a very good offense. Our defense is meh. Their defense kinda blows, our offense is an insult to anemic. If I were a betting man I'd take Nevada and the points. I'm not, I'm a fan, so I'll be getting drunk at Kristy's MVP Sports Bar with my 12 CSU friends and seeing if the bartenders yell at us for tailgating in the parking lot (During the CSU game we had about 60 Ram fans show up, but I'm willing to wager the turnout is a bit more tame this week). I don't think we will win, and if we score a touchdown I'll buy everyone a shot (I think I'm safe).
Onto the Broncos:
I could do an in-depth preview like my Nuggies preview of last year, but the NFL is so overdone that there isn't anything I can really add. Still, I owe you a quick preview, so here goes:
-Tebow x 1000.
-Doom hurt OH NOES SEASON IS OVER!!!!
-Orton not blacked out, able to differentiate jerseys this season. Last season he could only see Brandon Marshall due to B-Marsh's magnificent, glowing pimp hand.
-You can just call Eric Decker "Eddy McCaffery." (Unless he plays like Kircus).
-Brian Dawkins, still insane, still good. One more year till he is Lynchian.
-Knowshon "The Situation" Moreno is hurt. Still. Or is it always?
-All our RBs are dead.
-Tebow x10000000000000
-Rex Ryan's swearing is loveable. Josh McDaniel's swearing is dickish. The difference, Sexy Rexy wins. Get it, Josh.
-Champ Bailey is still really, really good.
-People are picking the Chiefs and Raiders over us. Seriously, it has come to this. Kiss my motherfucking ass, people. Read that sentence. Then digest. We may be injured, but really, the Raiders. You are aware they are the Raiders, right?
-Jabar Gaffney is gonna be fantasy gold.
-I will attend the Nov. game against the Chargers here in San Diego. I will wear my trademarked "Omar Little Shank-Proof Yellow Page Vest."
-Denver will make the playoffs. We will lose in the Wild Card round to the goddamn Colts.
Fuck Marmalard,
Sack
For this, I would like to apologize to the municipality of Boulder. Things got a little out of hand and boy are your mountains dry. Maybe you hippie/yuppie fucks should stop building houses in the middle of the forest (or, just blame Global Warming. Which I totally believe in, but this fire wasn't caused by global warming, it was caused by urban sprawl). Anyway, sorry bout the 135+ houses, BUT YOU MADE ME DO THIS!!
Yeah, CSU sucked some world class dick last weekend. The only bright side is we were really young in really important positions. Also, CU maybe isn't as terrible as we thought (Hopefully this is true). Now we take on the Pistol packing fudgepack from Reno 9-1-1.
They feature uber-quarterback Colin Kapernick and a very good offense. Our defense is meh. Their defense kinda blows, our offense is an insult to anemic. If I were a betting man I'd take Nevada and the points. I'm not, I'm a fan, so I'll be getting drunk at Kristy's MVP Sports Bar with my 12 CSU friends and seeing if the bartenders yell at us for tailgating in the parking lot (During the CSU game we had about 60 Ram fans show up, but I'm willing to wager the turnout is a bit more tame this week). I don't think we will win, and if we score a touchdown I'll buy everyone a shot (I think I'm safe).
Onto the Broncos:
I could do an in-depth preview like my Nuggies preview of last year, but the NFL is so overdone that there isn't anything I can really add. Still, I owe you a quick preview, so here goes:
-Tebow x 1000.
-Doom hurt OH NOES SEASON IS OVER!!!!
-Orton not blacked out, able to differentiate jerseys this season. Last season he could only see Brandon Marshall due to B-Marsh's magnificent, glowing pimp hand.
-You can just call Eric Decker "Eddy McCaffery." (Unless he plays like Kircus).
Not Ed McCaffery...yet.
-Knowshon "The Situation" Moreno is hurt. Still. Or is it always?
-All our RBs are dead.
-Tebow x10000000000000
-Rex Ryan's swearing is loveable. Josh McDaniel's swearing is dickish. The difference, Sexy Rexy wins. Get it, Josh.
-Champ Bailey is still really, really good.
-People are picking the Chiefs and Raiders over us. Seriously, it has come to this. Kiss my motherfucking ass, people. Read that sentence. Then digest. We may be injured, but really, the Raiders. You are aware they are the Raiders, right?
-Jabar Gaffney is gonna be fantasy gold.
-I will attend the Nov. game against the Chargers here in San Diego. I will wear my trademarked "Omar Little Shank-Proof Yellow Page Vest."
-Denver will make the playoffs. We will lose in the Wild Card round to the goddamn Colts.
Fuck Marmalard,
Sack
Friday, September 3, 2010
A List of Things I Hate About CU
I started with the idea to do a list of things that I hated more than that university in Boulder that supposedly reps Colorado, but it was pretty short.
Like Cody Hawkins short.
It included started with cancer and gang rapes, but then I realized those things actually do have a lot to do with CU, so I gave up. But there are a whole lotta things I hate about CU, so let's explore them.
50 Reasons Why I Hate CU: (some of these numbers will correspond, some will be random. Why? Because my hatred flows out of me in this order and I refuse to censor it. I was going for 100, but that is a lot of hate).
1. Because it exists.
2. Because they think they are better than me. I hate anyone who acts like they are better than me. Nothing pisses me off more. And if there is one place that just oozes smug superiority, it is Boulder. Why do they think they are better than Colorado State? I don't really know.
3: "If you can't go to college, go to state:" Alert! We are both universities. This might make sense if you were Colorado College.
4: Hippies: I don't mind people who are real hippies, that live off by themselves in a commune and don't bother me. Fake-ass Boulder hippies that wear leather sandals, love Dave Matthews and only care about getting high piss me off to no end.
5. Fifth Downs: Shouldn't happen.
6: Folsom Field: Props for having it right on campus, but the giant parking lot at Hughes is a much better tailgating atmosphere, even though it is more difficult to reach. Boulder is too segmented.
7: Cody Hawkins: The fact that this tiny little chode beat us twice is depressing to no end, but I do owe him some props due to the fact he has been instrumental in his dad's inability to field a good football team.
8. Pearl Street: Ain't got shit on Old Town.
9. Katie Hnida: Speaking of jersey chasing sluts... Barney was right, she was fucking terrible.
10. Brad Jones: What a fucking idiot. No, seriously. If he really can't learn the name of Kory Sperry, a guy who scored about 10 TDs in his career vs. Jones and CU, he is mentally on par Forrest Gump. Or a genius as far as CU players go. (Midway down in this article you can read his tardlike comments. I don't reccomend it).
11. RTD: Gary Barnett's plan to Return CU to Dominance. Or, the bus CU players now have to take, due to the fact that there education was worthless.
12. Slick Rick: At least his sleazy reign was entertaining. Barnett's was just sleaze. Hawkins, just retarded.
13. Intramurals: Cody should go play them, brother!
14. James Cox: Because the ex-CU backup QB once challenged me to a fight over Facebook. Just because I created a fake Gary Barnett page and told my players to get more rapey.
15.Bison: Your mascot is a bison. Buffalo don't exist in America. But keep trying.
16: Mason Crosby: What a fucking dick this guy was. I mean, his game-winning kicks were one thing, but then he had the audacity to date, cheat on, and then eventually marry one of the prettiest, nicest girls that I have ever met. I hope he slips tomorrow on a banana peel and his ACL tears into a million pieces right now. Or gets hit by truck.
17. Lawrence Vickers: We once had a moment before a game. He gestured at me for making fun of Dusty Sprague. I called him a rapist. He stared me down. I challenged him to a fight. I'm very glad he turned me down.
18. Number of players on the 1987 roster were arrested. 65 were contacted by police. Speak it Sports Illustrated:
That, or the city of Boulder just hates football players (read; black people).
19. Ralphie: She is a bitch. I can't wait until the day she runs over a CU player. God I hope it's Hawkins Jr.
20: CSU total number of wins: CU fans always claim they are better historically than CSU, pointing toward their 20-59-2 record against CSU. Which is pretty dominant. But CU won 14 of those games before CSU even won a single game in the series (in 1912) and then 12 straight from 1934-1947, a time when Harry Hughes refused to recruit and offer scholarships to players, beleiving in the purity of amateur sport. CU won 36 games against CU before 1947, while the Rams only won 10. Since, CU holds a 23-10 record over the Rams. Still pretty good, but it overlooks the fact that CU and CSU didn't play for 25 years after 1958, so CU missed playing some of CU's worst squads with some of the better CSU teams.
21. Rae Carruth
22. Volleyball: We own you guys at volleyball. 22-11. Should be more but you always try not to play us.
23. The 70-3 score vs. Texas in 2005. I visited your school that night to party. I kept telling a funny joke. It went:
Hugh Charles really didn't find that joke funny.
24. CU: It is University of Colorado. Way to copy retarded ass Kansas and Oklahoma.
25. Bitching out. 1958 is when you chicken out from the rivalry. We beat you 15-1. It took you 25 years to get over that loss and play us again.
26. The Big XII: You loved to brag about the Big XII so much, until Texas and Oklahoma continually beat your asses, then you bailed.
27. The Pac 10: Enjoy being USC's bitch, even while they are on probation.
28. Nebraska: Trying to make them a big rivalry is a joke. Now they are gone, which means...
29. Utah: You can try to force a rivalry with them. Enjoy. By the way, they will always hate BYU more than you.
30. Super Bowl: So it looks like the rivalry with CSU will become YOUR Super Bowl.
31. Wyoming: They really don't factor into my hatred of CU, but I actually hate them more. CU vs. CSU is a showdown. CSU vs. Wyoming is a fucking war.
32. Dusty Sprague: He is a straight bitch who got fucked up by one Robert Herbert. And he also married one of my old friends. Proving that girls that go to CU are just jersey chasing sluts.
33. Phantom Clips: Only thing worse on that play than the retarded ref, your retarded coaches who punted to the Rocket with a minute remaining.
34: Phantom PI: Called against Joey Rucks in 2006 on a 4th down pass that landed out of bounds allowed CU to win 31-28 in OT. Still makes me sick to my stomach.
35. Tear Gas: If you guys didn't suck so much in 1999, CSU fans wouldn't have been so rowdy and the Denver Po-Po might not have had their moment in the sun.
36. Rushing the Field: Every fucking time you win, in the last five years. It is only cool when we rush your field. Or you beat a top-10 team. But Texas Tech and Iowa State. You probably would have rushed had you beat Montana State. But you didn't.
37. Security Guards: Who tried to strip the football I smuggled into your stadium from my while I ran all over your field last year. Dicks.
38. Bill McCartney: Annoucing his retirement the day of Salaam's 2,000 yard milestone is one of the dickest moves of all-time by a coach. Lane Kiffin thinks that is egotistical.
39. Promise Keepers: The same guy who started the Promise Keepers had a daughter who got preggos by two of his players. Maybe fix your own own house before telling the world how to fix their's.
40. Dan Hawkins: We're back proclamation in 2006 really echoed Dubya's "Mission Accomplished" speach in Iraq.
41. Hostages: After the 2004 loss I stayed with friends in Boulder afterwards. They pretended I was a hostage and displayed me to their friends. If CSU won my friend was supposed to come to Fort Collins and repay the favor. He pussed out. So I desecrated his homemade bar with a giant "CSU 14-10" tag in sharpie.
42. Williams Village: The most ghetto dorm in America.
43. Scotty McKnight: Crazy old Scotty got kicked out of school for threatening to shit on and kill his teacher (or something similar). Bumblefuck Hawkins feels he is a great kid.
44. Marc Sanchez: Like I needed another reason to hate CU, but we had this assclown showing up last year. Shouldn't the fact that he is a friend of Scotty's rule him ineligible? It's all right though, because I'm sure "Scotty doesn't know, where the fuck he is, because Blu just knocked his ass out cold. He thought he caught a pass, now he's on his ass, and refs just said 'It's a fumble.' Scotty doesn't know..."
What kind of grown man calls himself Scotty anyway?
45. Ward Churchill: You ain't evenIndian Native American, brother.
46. Chip: Your cartoon mascot is literally named after excrement. What a piece of shit.
47. Jeremy Bloom: You should not have gone to CU, you should have come to your home. Most of us have watched you since birth, thanks to your dad's class. Sonny really fucked this up. Fuck you for rubbing it in our face.
48: Fum and his boys roll into town and beat you 29-25 in 1948. He comes up with a great song to help relish the victory. He also wore 48. Yup, he taught me to hate CU-Boulder.
49. Rape: I don't like it. Your team tends to enjoy it. This is a problem for me.
50. Again, just the fact that CU exists.
Bonus :The mythical national championship: CU fans love to talk about their ill-gotten NC in 1990 like it makes them worlds better than CSU, like it validates them as a college superpower. And yes, from about 1988-1994 CU was one of the best teams in the nation. Good for you. Other than that run, and a brief surge in 2001, you haven't been shit (and what happened to that 2001 team when it started the season ranked sixth? Oh yes, CSU and MR. BVP spiked them 19-14).
But that 1990 NC is arguably the weakest in college football history. I mean, look at the facts:
-Georgia Tech finished 11-0-1. CU finished 11-1-1. True CU played a harder schedule, but undefeated is undefeated. The AP called CU champs, the UPI called GT champs.
-They tied Tennessee 31-31, with Tennessee getting inside the CU 20 on the last play of the game.
-Lost to #25 Illinois.
-CU barely beat a 5-6 Stanford team, scoring with just seconds left on a very close call (Denny Green still doesn't believe he scored). Stanford later lost to mighty San Jose State.
-CU was a very questionable (some would say phantom) clip call from losing to Notre Dame as the Rocket was ten yards clear of everyone when a block in the back was called.
-CU should have lost to Missouri, again getting a generous spot from the refs on a touchdown on the last play of the game. It was pretty close. Oh, and CU had the fortune of that whole fifth-down thing right before.
When you bring this up to CU fans, they say "So, at least we were good enough to have an oppurtunity to get lucky and win a championship. When has CSU ever been that good?"
How about 2000, when we lost by 3 points on the road in 110+ heat at Arizona State and by 4 points in a blizzard at Air Force. If the refs gave us a couple favorable calls, you could just call us national champs.
So, to summarize, that is 50 reasons why I hate CU. I'm sure you have more to add, so feel free.
Before I'd see my son in Boulder, I'd see my son in hell.
Like Cody Hawkins short.
It included started with cancer and gang rapes, but then I realized those things actually do have a lot to do with CU, so I gave up. But there are a whole lotta things I hate about CU, so let's explore them.
50 Reasons Why I Hate CU: (some of these numbers will correspond, some will be random. Why? Because my hatred flows out of me in this order and I refuse to censor it. I was going for 100, but that is a lot of hate).
1. Because it exists.
2. Because they think they are better than me. I hate anyone who acts like they are better than me. Nothing pisses me off more. And if there is one place that just oozes smug superiority, it is Boulder. Why do they think they are better than Colorado State? I don't really know.
3: "If you can't go to college, go to state:" Alert! We are both universities. This might make sense if you were Colorado College.
4: Hippies: I don't mind people who are real hippies, that live off by themselves in a commune and don't bother me. Fake-ass Boulder hippies that wear leather sandals, love Dave Matthews and only care about getting high piss me off to no end.
5. Fifth Downs: Shouldn't happen.
6: Folsom Field: Props for having it right on campus, but the giant parking lot at Hughes is a much better tailgating atmosphere, even though it is more difficult to reach. Boulder is too segmented.
7: Cody Hawkins: The fact that this tiny little chode beat us twice is depressing to no end, but I do owe him some props due to the fact he has been instrumental in his dad's inability to field a good football team.
8. Pearl Street: Ain't got shit on Old Town.
9. Katie Hnida: Speaking of jersey chasing sluts... Barney was right, she was fucking terrible.
10. Brad Jones: What a fucking idiot. No, seriously. If he really can't learn the name of Kory Sperry, a guy who scored about 10 TDs in his career vs. Jones and CU, he is mentally on par Forrest Gump. Or a genius as far as CU players go. (Midway down in this article you can read his tardlike comments. I don't reccomend it).
11. RTD: Gary Barnett's plan to Return CU to Dominance. Or, the bus CU players now have to take, due to the fact that there education was worthless.
12. Slick Rick: At least his sleazy reign was entertaining. Barnett's was just sleaze. Hawkins, just retarded.
13. Intramurals: Cody should go play them, brother!
14. James Cox: Because the ex-CU backup QB once challenged me to a fight over Facebook. Just because I created a fake Gary Barnett page and told my players to get more rapey.
15.Bison: Your mascot is a bison. Buffalo don't exist in America. But keep trying.
16: Mason Crosby: What a fucking dick this guy was. I mean, his game-winning kicks were one thing, but then he had the audacity to date, cheat on, and then eventually marry one of the prettiest, nicest girls that I have ever met. I hope he slips tomorrow on a banana peel and his ACL tears into a million pieces right now. Or gets hit by truck.
17. Lawrence Vickers: We once had a moment before a game. He gestured at me for making fun of Dusty Sprague. I called him a rapist. He stared me down. I challenged him to a fight. I'm very glad he turned me down.
18. Number of players on the 1987 roster were arrested. 65 were contacted by police. Speak it Sports Illustrated:
Since February 1986 at least two dozen Buffalo players have been arrested, for everything from trespassing to serial rape.Classy. Proving that CU's pattern of dickhead players was not a new phenomena under Barnett, Nueheisel or Hawkins. In order to be good, the Buffs recruit thugs.
That, or the city of Boulder just hates football players (read; black people).
19. Ralphie: She is a bitch. I can't wait until the day she runs over a CU player. God I hope it's Hawkins Jr.
20: CSU total number of wins: CU fans always claim they are better historically than CSU, pointing toward their 20-59-2 record against CSU. Which is pretty dominant. But CU won 14 of those games before CSU even won a single game in the series (in 1912) and then 12 straight from 1934-1947, a time when Harry Hughes refused to recruit and offer scholarships to players, beleiving in the purity of amateur sport. CU won 36 games against CU before 1947, while the Rams only won 10. Since, CU holds a 23-10 record over the Rams. Still pretty good, but it overlooks the fact that CU and CSU didn't play for 25 years after 1958, so CU missed playing some of CU's worst squads with some of the better CSU teams.
21. Rae Carruth
22. Volleyball: We own you guys at volleyball. 22-11. Should be more but you always try not to play us.
23. The 70-3 score vs. Texas in 2005. I visited your school that night to party. I kept telling a funny joke. It went:
Me: Wanna hear a funny joke?
CU Person: Okay.
Me: 70-3. Hahahahah.
Hugh Charles really didn't find that joke funny.
24. CU: It is University of Colorado. Way to copy retarded ass Kansas and Oklahoma.
25. Bitching out. 1958 is when you chicken out from the rivalry. We beat you 15-1. It took you 25 years to get over that loss and play us again.
26. The Big XII: You loved to brag about the Big XII so much, until Texas and Oklahoma continually beat your asses, then you bailed.
27. The Pac 10: Enjoy being USC's bitch, even while they are on probation.
28. Nebraska: Trying to make them a big rivalry is a joke. Now they are gone, which means...
29. Utah: You can try to force a rivalry with them. Enjoy. By the way, they will always hate BYU more than you.
30. Super Bowl: So it looks like the rivalry with CSU will become YOUR Super Bowl.
31. Wyoming: They really don't factor into my hatred of CU, but I actually hate them more. CU vs. CSU is a showdown. CSU vs. Wyoming is a fucking war.
32. Dusty Sprague: He is a straight bitch who got fucked up by one Robert Herbert. And he also married one of my old friends. Proving that girls that go to CU are just jersey chasing sluts.
33. Phantom Clips: Only thing worse on that play than the retarded ref, your retarded coaches who punted to the Rocket with a minute remaining.
34: Phantom PI: Called against Joey Rucks in 2006 on a 4th down pass that landed out of bounds allowed CU to win 31-28 in OT. Still makes me sick to my stomach.
35. Tear Gas: If you guys didn't suck so much in 1999, CSU fans wouldn't have been so rowdy and the Denver Po-Po might not have had their moment in the sun.
36. Rushing the Field: Every fucking time you win, in the last five years. It is only cool when we rush your field. Or you beat a top-10 team. But Texas Tech and Iowa State. You probably would have rushed had you beat Montana State. But you didn't.
37. Security Guards: Who tried to strip the football I smuggled into your stadium from my while I ran all over your field last year. Dicks.
38. Bill McCartney: Annoucing his retirement the day of Salaam's 2,000 yard milestone is one of the dickest moves of all-time by a coach. Lane Kiffin thinks that is egotistical.
39. Promise Keepers: The same guy who started the Promise Keepers had a daughter who got preggos by two of his players. Maybe fix your own own house before telling the world how to fix their's.
40. Dan Hawkins: We're back proclamation in 2006 really echoed Dubya's "Mission Accomplished" speach in Iraq.
41. Hostages: After the 2004 loss I stayed with friends in Boulder afterwards. They pretended I was a hostage and displayed me to their friends. If CSU won my friend was supposed to come to Fort Collins and repay the favor. He pussed out. So I desecrated his homemade bar with a giant "CSU 14-10" tag in sharpie.
42. Williams Village: The most ghetto dorm in America.
43. Scotty McKnight: Crazy old Scotty got kicked out of school for threatening to shit on and kill his teacher (or something similar). Bumblefuck Hawkins feels he is a great kid.
44. Marc Sanchez: Like I needed another reason to hate CU, but we had this assclown showing up last year. Shouldn't the fact that he is a friend of Scotty's rule him ineligible? It's all right though, because I'm sure "Scotty doesn't know, where the fuck he is, because Blu just knocked his ass out cold. He thought he caught a pass, now he's on his ass, and refs just said 'It's a fumble.' Scotty doesn't know..."
What kind of grown man calls himself Scotty anyway?
45. Ward Churchill: You ain't even
46. Chip: Your cartoon mascot is literally named after excrement. What a piece of shit.
47. Jeremy Bloom: You should not have gone to CU, you should have come to your home. Most of us have watched you since birth, thanks to your dad's class. Sonny really fucked this up. Fuck you for rubbing it in our face.
48: Fum and his boys roll into town and beat you 29-25 in 1948. He comes up with a great song to help relish the victory. He also wore 48. Yup, he taught me to hate CU-Boulder.
49. Rape: I don't like it. Your team tends to enjoy it. This is a problem for me.
50. Again, just the fact that CU exists.
Bonus :The mythical national championship: CU fans love to talk about their ill-gotten NC in 1990 like it makes them worlds better than CSU, like it validates them as a college superpower. And yes, from about 1988-1994 CU was one of the best teams in the nation. Good for you. Other than that run, and a brief surge in 2001, you haven't been shit (and what happened to that 2001 team when it started the season ranked sixth? Oh yes, CSU and MR. BVP spiked them 19-14).
But that 1990 NC is arguably the weakest in college football history. I mean, look at the facts:
-Georgia Tech finished 11-0-1. CU finished 11-1-1. True CU played a harder schedule, but undefeated is undefeated. The AP called CU champs, the UPI called GT champs.
-They tied Tennessee 31-31, with Tennessee getting inside the CU 20 on the last play of the game.
-Lost to #25 Illinois.
-CU barely beat a 5-6 Stanford team, scoring with just seconds left on a very close call (Denny Green still doesn't believe he scored). Stanford later lost to mighty San Jose State.
-CU was a very questionable (some would say phantom) clip call from losing to Notre Dame as the Rocket was ten yards clear of everyone when a block in the back was called.
-CU should have lost to Missouri, again getting a generous spot from the refs on a touchdown on the last play of the game. It was pretty close. Oh, and CU had the fortune of that whole fifth-down thing right before.
When you bring this up to CU fans, they say "So, at least we were good enough to have an oppurtunity to get lucky and win a championship. When has CSU ever been that good?"
How about 2000, when we lost by 3 points on the road in 110+ heat at Arizona State and by 4 points in a blizzard at Air Force. If the refs gave us a couple favorable calls, you could just call us national champs.
So, to summarize, that is 50 reasons why I hate CU. I'm sure you have more to add, so feel free.
Before I'd see my son in Boulder, I'd see my son in hell.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
How I Fell in Love with Colorado State University
If you know me at all, you know that I am one of the biggest CSU fans in the world (and my height has nothing to do with it). CSU clothes make up half my wardrobe. My car is adorned w/ a CSU sticker on the back windshield. I attended CSU. So did my mother, sister, uncle, first-cousin, tons of other family members, and best friends. I covered CSU athletics for the Collegian. I spent a semester as a Graduate Assistant for CSU Athletics. During that time I helped literally rewrite the CSU record books. I would put my knowledge of CSU sports up against all but 10 people in the world. I rarely go a day with checking Ramnation.com, CSURams.com and Gold & Green News. My obsession with CSU is probably unhealthy.
Yet that hasn't always been the case. I spent much of my life cheering for the now-hated Buffs. I dreamed of attending CU as a kid, playing football on Folsom Field. I cheered against the Rams at the first Rocky Mountain Shootout in Mile High. I cried when my family tuned in halfway through the 1999 CSU win (my dad's inability to read and a 28-0 scoreline just did not compute). Even into my senior year of high school I cheered for CU. Soon that all changed.
And, no, smartass CU alums, it was not because I was somehow rejected from CU and "forced" to attend state (BRAG ALERT: My ACT score was high enough it was literally off the chart both CU & CSU use for entry). It became crystal clear throughout my senior year of school that Colorado State University was the perfect place for me. I got the same exact education and paid far less money to attend. Also, I was able to avoid the vast majority of douchiness that persists in the People's Republic of Boulder.
I was never comfortable in my own skin while growing up in the Dale, but within hours of moving into the dorms at CSU I was already at home. I made friends that I will keep for life and truly blossomed into the awesome human being you see today. The one who is so awesome you losers read words that I write while sitting in my underoos while crying drunken tears.
I bonded with many of my friends on my second night at State when we stumbled upon several hundred CSU fans chanting "DIRTY HIPPIES, FUCK CU!" whilst trying to light a pine tree on fire. I showed them that to light a tree on fire it helps to have some kindling, so we gathered several beer boxes and got a little fire going. Nothing helps indoctrinate someone to a school like a little rioting (I'm not saying I'm proud of this moment, I'm just saying it was pretty awesome at the time).
Even after this I still wasn't sure if I could cheer against the CU football program. It was just too tied up in me. My earliest memories almost all include me, dressed in a CU jersey running around my house impersonating Eric Bienemy (aka Eric THE ENEMY, which I thought was his name), Michael Westbrook and even Rae Carruth /shudder (which, right there should be a lesson in why your children should never be allowed to cheer for CU). One of the most tragic moments of my childhood was the when my mom told me that I could never cut my hair into a high-top fade like my favorite CU players because I wasn't black and never would be (little did she know. Momma, look at me now!). It wasn't that I didn't think I could cheer for CSU, they really had been my second favorite team growing up, but I wasn't sure I could hate the Buffs.
Then...I actually attended a CU-CSU game as a student. I rode up to the game with my boy Sailor, who promptly bailed on me before gametime to sit in the CU student section, while I went by myself to a section that was split CSU and CU fans. I didn't know a soul and was relatively sober (last time I will EVER make that mistake) and within seconds I was being mocked by CU fans. Some older CSU fans immediately jumped in, took me into their group and handed me a flask of Jack. I took swigs as they taught me Fum's Song.
The moment that Johnny Walker (the irony of his name is really thick in this story) made a miraculous fourth-quarter TD catch to get CSU back in the game was the moment I truly surrendered myself to CSU. It was my baptism in Green and Gold, as myself and a random collection of strangers I had never met dissolved into a mass of humanity, collapsing to the bleachers in the most jubilant moment of my life to that point.
With just seconds left in the game, David Anderson made a catch at the goal line and CSU was literally inches from an amazing win (I, and DA, still believe he was in the end zone). CSU was gonna beat the Buffs, in Boulder, scoring the winning touchdown literally 15 yards from where I sat.
We all know what happened next. The beginning of the end for Sonny Lubick and the CSU Rams as a college football power.
It was a cruel way to begin my college career, and in the next four years I watched us piss away two more horrible games to CU, get blown out of the water by almost any quality opponent and had to cover one of the most awkward and bitter break-ups of all-time (CSU firing Sonny was akin to me firing my Grandfather). Still, I soldiered, backed by booze and a beleif that thing would turn around.
In my senior year, things did turn. In the last college football game I attended as a student I was able to rush the field in Wyoming as CSU captured the Bronze Boot and got back to bowl eligibility.
Then, just days before I was set to move to California, I delayed my departure so that I could go to one more Rocky Mountain Showdown.
We all know how that turned out.
Yup, I vaulted over a railing, landing on Folsum Field, not 15 yards from the cruelest moment of my CSU career, this time able to celebrate with several thousand of my closest friends, chanting "I'm Proud...To Be...A CSU RAM!" while stomping on our rivals logo.
I'd say that was a fitting ending to the story, but Fum just does a better job.
Take it away;
Tomorrow I bring the hate. That raw hate. That hatred that the Columbians rub on their gums. That sushi hatred. Get it? All right!
Yet that hasn't always been the case. I spent much of my life cheering for the now-hated Buffs. I dreamed of attending CU as a kid, playing football on Folsom Field. I cheered against the Rams at the first Rocky Mountain Shootout in Mile High. I cried when my family tuned in halfway through the 1999 CSU win (my dad's inability to read and a 28-0 scoreline just did not compute). Even into my senior year of high school I cheered for CU. Soon that all changed.
And, no, smartass CU alums, it was not because I was somehow rejected from CU and "forced" to attend state (BRAG ALERT: My ACT score was high enough it was literally off the chart both CU & CSU use for entry). It became crystal clear throughout my senior year of school that Colorado State University was the perfect place for me. I got the same exact education and paid far less money to attend. Also, I was able to avoid the vast majority of douchiness that persists in the People's Republic of Boulder.
I was never comfortable in my own skin while growing up in the Dale, but within hours of moving into the dorms at CSU I was already at home. I made friends that I will keep for life and truly blossomed into the awesome human being you see today. The one who is so awesome you losers read words that I write while sitting in my underoos while crying drunken tears.
I bonded with many of my friends on my second night at State when we stumbled upon several hundred CSU fans chanting "DIRTY HIPPIES, FUCK CU!" whilst trying to light a pine tree on fire. I showed them that to light a tree on fire it helps to have some kindling, so we gathered several beer boxes and got a little fire going. Nothing helps indoctrinate someone to a school like a little rioting (I'm not saying I'm proud of this moment, I'm just saying it was pretty awesome at the time).
Even after this I still wasn't sure if I could cheer against the CU football program. It was just too tied up in me. My earliest memories almost all include me, dressed in a CU jersey running around my house impersonating Eric Bienemy (aka Eric THE ENEMY, which I thought was his name), Michael Westbrook and even Rae Carruth /shudder (which, right there should be a lesson in why your children should never be allowed to cheer for CU). One of the most tragic moments of my childhood was the when my mom told me that I could never cut my hair into a high-top fade like my favorite CU players because I wasn't black and never would be (little did she know. Momma, look at me now!). It wasn't that I didn't think I could cheer for CSU, they really had been my second favorite team growing up, but I wasn't sure I could hate the Buffs.
Then...I actually attended a CU-CSU game as a student. I rode up to the game with my boy Sailor, who promptly bailed on me before gametime to sit in the CU student section, while I went by myself to a section that was split CSU and CU fans. I didn't know a soul and was relatively sober (last time I will EVER make that mistake) and within seconds I was being mocked by CU fans. Some older CSU fans immediately jumped in, took me into their group and handed me a flask of Jack. I took swigs as they taught me Fum's Song.
The moment that Johnny Walker (the irony of his name is really thick in this story) made a miraculous fourth-quarter TD catch to get CSU back in the game was the moment I truly surrendered myself to CSU. It was my baptism in Green and Gold, as myself and a random collection of strangers I had never met dissolved into a mass of humanity, collapsing to the bleachers in the most jubilant moment of my life to that point.
With just seconds left in the game, David Anderson made a catch at the goal line and CSU was literally inches from an amazing win (I, and DA, still believe he was in the end zone). CSU was gonna beat the Buffs, in Boulder, scoring the winning touchdown literally 15 yards from where I sat.
We all know what happened next. The beginning of the end for Sonny Lubick and the CSU Rams as a college football power.
It was a cruel way to begin my college career, and in the next four years I watched us piss away two more horrible games to CU, get blown out of the water by almost any quality opponent and had to cover one of the most awkward and bitter break-ups of all-time (CSU firing Sonny was akin to me firing my Grandfather). Still, I soldiered, backed by booze and a beleif that thing would turn around.
In my senior year, things did turn. In the last college football game I attended as a student I was able to rush the field in Wyoming as CSU captured the Bronze Boot and got back to bowl eligibility.
Then, just days before I was set to move to California, I delayed my departure so that I could go to one more Rocky Mountain Showdown.
We all know how that turned out.
Yup, I vaulted over a railing, landing on Folsum Field, not 15 yards from the cruelest moment of my CSU career, this time able to celebrate with several thousand of my closest friends, chanting "I'm Proud...To Be...A CSU RAM!" while stomping on our rivals logo.
I'd say that was a fitting ending to the story, but Fum just does a better job.
Take it away;
I'll sing you a song of college days And tell you where to go Aggie's where your knowledge is Boulder spends your dough.
CC for your sissy boys And Utah for your times DU for your ministers For drunkards, School of Mines.
Don't send my boy to Wyoming U A dying mother said Don't send him to old Brigham Young I'd rather see him dead.
But send him to our Aggies It's better than Cornell
Before I'd see him in Boulder I'd see my son in hell!
Tomorrow I bring the hate. That raw hate. That hatred that the Columbians rub on their gums. That sushi hatred. Get it? All right!
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