Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 4, Episode 4

We last left the Guido Guild in the midst of chaos...D-Na was pulling bitches from the Situation and right out of Vinny's bed, Mike was getting menage-a-blocked whilst getting into a row with Snookers and Ronni & Sammi were dancing the same exact tango as the last three seasons. Tonight, shit almost gets real before the cameras cut out and we have to wait a week to see Situation get crippled.

-"I am an individual." -Lesbi-twin, screaming at Mikey. We don't know this girl's name, but we do know she went down on two JS cast members, so we are now aware that her super-STD is individually named, at least.


-"Me and Deeena tag teamed a girl." Vinny, speaking on the most disappointing Royal Rumble EVAR!

-"My guy, Unit, was banging Ryder, and Snooki got all turned on and started sucking my dick." -Situation. That sentence is beautifully awful.

-Nice fucking hat J-Woww, glad you are making an impact on this show.

-Humetron Don notes that they will resolve all of this drama soon and declare they have never been as close as a family. A family from fucking Bumfucking Temps, Louisiana...that has been incestuously breeding for centuries.

-"At least the carpets are clean today." -Vinny (carpets get munched, but whatevs).

"Lez-be-honest." -Pauly. Then after a little more fun, D-Na, the guy's girl, dissolves into tears at how mean those boys are being... (commercial break) everything is sunshiney. If only Rambo were this efficient in their bickering.

-Snooki tells GeeAnnnee about Mike's assertions, and maturely he realizes Mikey is a lying douche. Not that I trust Snooks, but at least this understanding leads to a great exchange:

"Let's have babies!" -Snook.

"Are you out of your fucking mind?" Ge-An-Knee.

"Fuck yeah." -Snicks.

Good work.

P.S. These folks are sterilized right. We had to agree with that in order to export them, right?

-"Whatever you do, don't take advice from Sammi." -Vinny, BOOM!

-"Keep your nose out of my relationship." -Ron.

"Why don't you keep your relationship out of my nose." -What J-Dubs should have responded. But she doesn't because she is useless on this show.

-"I have my peri-oso." -Deena to the BOSSMAN, in an effort to cover her and Snooks drunkeness.

-"Bring your clothes and your dick." -Snooks advice to Gianni. This leads to her and J-Woww discussing cock molds, and then doing some dickswinging for their boyfriends, offering to compare which steroid sausage is shriveled more.

-If Plan B isn't the abortion pill, according to the Plan B advertisements, then what is this elusive abortion pill...because that would be PLAN A for me. (Get it? /FIFA Sundayed)

-"Vinny, I don't want to screw you." -Some girl, speaking the international language of love.

-"I'm coming home with you." -Random WOP, to Pauly, also speaking this international language called English.

-"That's my phone (pointing at phone)...That's what happens when you take steroids (pointing at Ronald)." -Pauly, referring to angry-at-Sammy-Ron-Ron (happiness lasted 12 minutes, I believe).

-"I don't put pussy on a pedestal. I put it on the couch and on the floor like it belongs." -Ronnaldino, who has build fucking pyramids to the pussy and then destroyed said pyramids like a highly skilled labor Godzilla.

-FIGGGHHH----ahhhh, shit. Mikey and Ron won't finish this until next Thursday Sunday due to ratings. Can't wait to see the Situation get Kanye'd.

Hook-Ups: Niete (think that is Florencian for none).

MVG: Snooki: Drunk, check. Drama, check. Entertaining, check. Drunk, check. Dreaming of dick, check. ON. HER. GAME.


Next Week: Situation beats up Ronnie's hands with his face. He then gets clumsy and hurts his neck in a fall, but it was totally his fault. Lil' Wayne performs. De-Na hooks up with Lady Gaga. Sammi turns out to actually be Adele. I may be confusing my promos at this point.

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 4, Episode 3

When we last left our Italain-ish pals Ron was distancing himself from Samantha and Mike was creeping on Snooki, which was super creepy. As well, I'm pretty sure that J-Woww wasn't doing coke at that exact moment, but the moment before and after, yeah, she was. Tonight, I expect some fights and supposedly some Lesbionic adventures. All aboard the USS Herpes!

-"Just go," Mike, to the only blonde whore in Florence. What a gentleman.

-"Snooki and I are a lot alike right now...we are both dedicated to going to the gym. And we're both dedicated to drinking and having a good time." -Ronald.

-Snooki misses Rambo "fighting, kissing and making up." Because those three attributes make up a healthy relationship...or, because with those two being retarded her relationship looks semi-solid.

-Snooki basically gets raped at the gym. Shockingly, she loves it.

-#Twinning...how fast did that Sheen shit get old?

-"Allright dad, I'll call you back after Mike tries to get his booty call in." -Snooki.

-"1st of all, I'm not doing sex." -D-Na.
"Then quit wasting his time." -Vinny or Pauly.

P.S. How does DeeeeeNa find the one guy in Italy without an Italian name. Ellis? What is this a subliminal shot at Ellis Island and turn-of-the-century Immigration Law?

-"Hello, this is Vinny. I'm madly, deeply in love with you." Pauly D posing as Vin.

"Can I speak to Mike." Unattractive twin.

"After all I just said? This relationship isn't gonna work. (Click)." Pauly.

Followed by Ronnie hanging up repeatedly.

Then, Ron invites the twins over, which is actually the funniest, intentional thing he has ever done on this show. And he is SUPER proud of it. Like a toddler who just dooked in the toilet for the first time.

-"She wants to know where she can put her toothbrush." -Pauly, in regards to the Twin appeareance.

-"Obviosuly, I love you." -Ron to Sammi. That;s why I promised to fly another girl out here just to fuck with you.

-"Conservative black V-neck...That means Ron is back with Sam." -Pauly and Vin.

"When you contemplate suicide because of someone else's relationship, that is a bad sign." -Pauly.

-"When they are together, they both wear black, like a funeral." -Pauly, on Rambo.

-Mike just actually called someone else selfish. The guy who tries to pull robberies all the time and literally plans his statements based on how often he will be on camera almost broke the third wall with this statement.

-Mike thinks he has a threesome. Deena intrudes and gets "lesbionic." They return home. Mike just leaves his whore to chat with tSnooki. Deena gets the "virgin" twin into her bed. She leaves because Pauly and Vin are poking fun at her. Ronnie rats out the Sitch to Sam and Jenn. Deena confronts the guys and leaves Lesbi-twin alone. J-Woww tells Snooki that Mike said they hooked up. Virg-i-twin jumps into Vinny's bed. Mike and Snooki have a blowout. Deena returns and steals the virgin from Vinny. Mike confronts a drunk Ronnie about snitching. Deena "pusses out" (get it) and Vinny actually gets some residual stank.

(Best 5 minutes of Jersey Shore ever, prolly).

Everyone is somehow still functioning perfectly at 6:30 in the morning despite the massive amounts of booze...

-Leading to Humetron stating, "I wonder how much coke they must do to still be awake and functioning right now?"



Hook-Ups: Vinny: 1, but the assist certainly goes to Deee-Na, who picks up a half point.

MVG: It was almost Ron for showing maturity with Sam then showing none with the Situation situation, but then I remembered you get no points for maturity. The real winner, VINNY, for being the only one to get some stank, and for combining with Pauly to mock everyone in the house.

Next week: Situation vs. Ron, hopefully (aka Tyson vs. McNeely). Deena might finally get dick. Pauly and Vinny are funny. J-Woww goes into cardiac arrest.

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 4, Episode 2

I got me a big ole plate of Pasti with Bolognese sauce, some Sangria (which according to our Guido Guild means wine in Italian) and I'm about 10 Bud Lights down. That is the right mindset for these Guinea fucks, who at last check were being drunk, disorderly and disgusting...so just the way we love them.

-Aside: If you have ever watched more than one full episode of Teen Mom, do me a favor and never talk to me again. And kill yourself. I caught the last 5 minutes of that show and barely avoided stabbing myself in the abdomen with a dull pen. Awful.

-"Maybe his Italian Sausage will be in my pussy." -D-Na, about Pawlie D, totally missing the whole point of how a metaphor works.

-Good insight on the Pauly/Deena quasi-relationship from "The Crack Whore Formerly Know As J-Woww."

-Nutella is the shit.

-"Everything's in another language." Deeno the Dinosaur, who also spent the whole time asking if everything was meat. Because that meatgazer would like someone with some meat to "Do the sex with her," as she calls it.

-"I'm so proud of myself for not falling last night." -D-Na again, promptly followed by Sammi being a Sweetheart and changing the subject. Mind you, she fell about 20 times.

Deena is ripping up the quotes in the show, mostly because MTV is playing up the "not at all contrived storyline" of Mike falling for Snooki. I've seen more believable story arcs on Franklin and Bash.

-Pizzeria Related: Ahhh look, they have a shitty job in a pizza place, says guy who works in a Pizza Place /self burn.

"Bitch, I made pizza in Florence." J-Woww, to her unborn, bastard, coke-addled grandkids.

"If Snooki can do it, we all can do it." -Ron.

"We won't screw it up." Pauly, akin to Hasselbeck, Matt: "We want the ball, and we're gonna score."

-"Is that him." -Deena, pointing to a cop thinking he was a dude that passed on her herpes box. Major props to Sammy for coming to the rescue /statements I never thought I'd write.

-"That was quick." "Whore." The group to Situation and his Americano. Snookers calling a fellow pot a whore.

-"It's hard...to be in a Jucuzzi with two guys." -Ron, with a soils Freudian slip.

-Ronnie palms off Sammi's advances like Frank the Tank on tranquilizers. Good boy.

Deena: I would give it to Mikey for getting it in, but his general pussiness just overwhelms. D-Na gave Pauly tongue, Mikey lip, fell down a bunch, was on the quotables game and brought the drama without taking it too far. Well played, cheerio.

Bedpost Notches: Sitch: 1.

Next Week: Mike loses out on a threesome because of Lesbian Deena, Ron and Sammi fight, Vinny's only purpose is to beg them not to fight. J-Woww does no coke, whatsoever. Nope. None at all.

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 4, Episode 1

Holy Fucking Shit...The G-U-I-D-Os be back up in this motherfucker. When we last left the Intoxicated Eight (Alliterations points) they were destroying Seaside and crying. Now, we are apparently trying to curtail immigration to the USA by sending these Shoretards out to Italy to make sure we cut down on the number of WOPs who try to enter to AMERICA through Ellis Island.

What could possibly go wrong with 8 shitty Americans trying to infiltrate a foreign city without understanding any customs or language? Not much. Seriously though, these people have a tentative grasp on English and manage to contract Herps on the daily, so I don't suspect it will be too hard for them to figure out how to date rape hook up with the local Azurri despite their lack of polish.

-"Europe...is that big country."  Oh Snooki, always in the fucking lead.

-Pauly has his international plug packed to make sure the blowout is intact. (Chicken Cluck) smart. (If you don't get this, watch Epic Meal Time and stop reading my blog).

-Deena thinks Gracias is Itai for thank you...ITALY NOT MEXICO! (This theme will be repeated all episode, if not season...Which proves these Guids are truly more beaner than WOP, and also underlying why I see so many Mexis acting like dirty Shorites.)

-De-Na lives in New Egypt. Snooki lives in Marlboro. Does Ronnie live in RoidsVillie? These names are bullshit.

-Snooki packs "I (Heart) Vinny" panties. /File under obvious foreshadowing.

-Holy shit Jenny is has turned into a giant boobed Skeletor. I mean, I understand you are now dating a "health nut" (read: steroid abuser) in Raw-Gah, but everything but your Tittays shrunk.

30 seconds on the clock /Tosh:

1. Apparently the coke and protein diet has been efficient.

2. She looks like the Italian Kate Moss.

3. I would call that style Guido-Sheik.

4. I think her boobs are eating her torso.

5. Hunger strike until Rambo re-unite.

6. She was sick of Pauly being the skin...(Buzzer)...Oh out of time.

-I am more excited for Single Ron-Ron than I am to see a single Tebow pass.

-"You don't have to be on top." -Sammi's mom, who apparently is at peace with her daughter being a dumb, white trash whore.

-"Lift up their arms, and see if they have hair." -Vinny's uncle Don Vito, on the age of consent in Italialand.

-Advertisement: Humey and I have decided this Panet of the Apes movie is gonna be awesome. I can't wait to see Monkeys Throwing Poop defeat humans with guns. MARCEL!

-Kind of a dick move by MTV to schedule the bitches into Milan, while the boys flew straight into Florence. But if it kept Ronaldo and Samantha from sharing a room, I'm all for it.

-"Is that where I get Pesos?" -Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh Snoooki.

-"Ronnie won't be able to walk through the alley, he's gotta turn sideways." -Pauly D.

-"Pugs not Drugs." Vinny's T-shirt time. Muffin approves (4 people get this joke).

-"And Sammy, the only thing I've noticed is that she's got bigger boobs." Sage Pauly. This piles on hilariously when Nicole (Snooki) decides that she should get fake boobs because hers wobble and fro, and asks Sammy if they should get them.

-I really feel that in about 20 years that Al-Queda's most prominent and vicious terror cell will be located in Florence, solely as a result of this show.

Dear Itai-Land, we apologizo. Sorry-o about-o those Guiodos-o. Don't-o hold that against-o us. We be so a sorry-o.

-I like that Ron wants to avoid hooking up with Samm, but walks around shirtless right in front of her.

-"Finally I'm useful for something...besides being a cum dumpster." -Snooki. I made up nothing in that statement.

-"Red Light!" -Random (insert racial Italian slur). "Oh, my bad." -Pauly.

-Humey bets that Pauly D sings 'No Pigeons" first, the knock off no scrubs song from 1999.

-DeeeeeeeNa burns her weave. Turrible.

-Still not in fucking Mexico. Or speaking Spanish, Baxter.

-"I'm a good time. I'm a blast in a bra." -Pauly, speaking as D-Na's tits. FORESHADOWING.

-"Taxi Son Aqui" -Pauly D, in broken WOP, yelling "Cabs are HHHEEEEEEAAAAHHHH"

-"I just wanna dance." Lady Ron-Ron.

-"Schnookie" -Ron. While commenting on the fact that Snitch and Snooks might be hooking up.

MVG: Italy. Or no one. Just a boring ass episode, hopefully pulling a straight Trueblood and lulling me to sleep before the crazy goes boom.

Hook-ups: None. Gaaaaaaay.

Next Week: Pauly smushes Deena. Situation dies...One can hope. Ronnie punch.

This Season: Shit gets real in the Italian Sausage shop.