Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 4, Episode 2

I got me a big ole plate of Pasti with Bolognese sauce, some Sangria (which according to our Guido Guild means wine in Italian) and I'm about 10 Bud Lights down. That is the right mindset for these Guinea fucks, who at last check were being drunk, disorderly and disgusting...so just the way we love them.

-Aside: If you have ever watched more than one full episode of Teen Mom, do me a favor and never talk to me again. And kill yourself. I caught the last 5 minutes of that show and barely avoided stabbing myself in the abdomen with a dull pen. Awful.

-"Maybe his Italian Sausage will be in my pussy." -D-Na, about Pawlie D, totally missing the whole point of how a metaphor works.

-Good insight on the Pauly/Deena quasi-relationship from "The Crack Whore Formerly Know As J-Woww."

-Nutella is the shit.

-"Everything's in another language." Deeno the Dinosaur, who also spent the whole time asking if everything was meat. Because that meatgazer would like someone with some meat to "Do the sex with her," as she calls it.

-"I'm so proud of myself for not falling last night." -D-Na again, promptly followed by Sammi being a Sweetheart and changing the subject. Mind you, she fell about 20 times.

Deena is ripping up the quotes in the show, mostly because MTV is playing up the "not at all contrived storyline" of Mike falling for Snooki. I've seen more believable story arcs on Franklin and Bash.

-Pizzeria Related: Ahhh look, they have a shitty job in a pizza place, says guy who works in a Pizza Place /self burn.

"Bitch, I made pizza in Florence." J-Woww, to her unborn, bastard, coke-addled grandkids.

"If Snooki can do it, we all can do it." -Ron.

"We won't screw it up." Pauly, akin to Hasselbeck, Matt: "We want the ball, and we're gonna score."

-"Is that him." -Deena, pointing to a cop thinking he was a dude that passed on her herpes box. Major props to Sammy for coming to the rescue /statements I never thought I'd write.

-"That was quick." "Whore." The group to Situation and his Americano. Snookers calling a fellow pot a whore.

-"It's hard...to be in a Jucuzzi with two guys." -Ron, with a soils Freudian slip.

-Ronnie palms off Sammi's advances like Frank the Tank on tranquilizers. Good boy.

Deena: I would give it to Mikey for getting it in, but his general pussiness just overwhelms. D-Na gave Pauly tongue, Mikey lip, fell down a bunch, was on the quotables game and brought the drama without taking it too far. Well played, cheerio.

Bedpost Notches: Sitch: 1.

Next Week: Mike loses out on a threesome because of Lesbian Deena, Ron and Sammi fight, Vinny's only purpose is to beg them not to fight. J-Woww does no coke, whatsoever. Nope. None at all.

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 3, Episode 5 Drunk Punch Love

Preamble: Tonight's recap is sponsored by 4Loko, because I drank it while watching the show last night and the hangover has just ended, finally allowing me to behave like a human.


We pick up tonight's episode with the news that these Shoretards are gonna be hanging out in Italy next season, which is intriguing. This means that either the show is going to be glorious with the whole fish-outta-water thing and one of the Guidos getting whacked (off) by some Sicilian mobster, or it has jumped the shark and will now be super-duper terrible. Fingers crossed, but I really don't see how Vinny and Pauly D trying to hit on girls in broken I-tie won't be entertaining. Plus, I'm still kinda pissed at Italy for WWII, so sending these fuckos over there should punish them sufficiently.

Aight, let's get this shit crizzackin and talk about licking buttholes:

-"I'm not even that spiteful." -J-Woww, talking about the fact that Tawme stole her naked pics (and other random crap). Good self awareness.


-"Nicole left me strict instructions not to sleep with any more of her friends...I'm not sure what to do." -Vinny, confused that Snooks doesn't want him banging her trashy friends. Because she knows what diseases those whores are carrying.


-If only changing doorknobs was as easy as slobbing on knobs (like corn on the cob), Snook and J-Woww would get it done in no time. Jenny then mentions how hard she has worked to get her house...Apparently she put in a lot of extra shifts at the Gelateria and the T-Shirt Shop? Never worked a day in her life, methinks.



-Dogs in the house will only end horribly, but I do enjoy Pauly's nicknames for them; Snooki and Ryder.


-"Have you met my friend, Bjork?" -Vinny, to a frilly J-Woww.


-All of those cousins, uncles, etc. did a pretty piss poor job protecting the girl Vinny took home. He gets her home, then they show up and cockblock the Vinster. Cynical me says this is all for some TV time and planned in advance.

"It's like the Capulets and the whatevers." -Vin, ahh, Italy is gonna love the knowledge these dirtbags will spread.



-Ronnie drops bombs on Sammi: "Pack your shit and get the fuck out."


"Cry all you want, your tears don't mean shit to me."


These mix well with his first laughter of the entire season.


-Vuvuzela Grenade Whistles are funny.

-"We told her the truth so that she would leave and then you could be yourself." -Jenny, the most manipulative bitch in the world.

To an openly weeping Ronald. Steroids, beer and heartbreak apparently don't mix. Cry like a bitch, might get socked like a bitch /foreshadowing.

-"Sam, do you have any condoms." -Situation, to a crying Sammi. "Ask Ronnie, he probably has a few." What a team player she is.

-Sammi spots Ron being friends with J-Woww, and gets steamed. "Unleash the CRACKEN!" screams Arab Money, about 5 Lokos deep in preparation for the evil one to leave the show.

Then, WHAMMY:

Which is really a nice birthday present for Ryder, who is being serenaded by the rest of the group while passed out in a corner. Great editing, even if this actually didn't all happen at the same time /cynicism.

-"This is God telling me to leave." -Sammi. Humble.

-"You're acting like Angelina." -Vinny, with a harsh burn.

-"I need that (dog) so I can get it in." -Jenny, grabbing one of the yappers so she can bang Roger who she totally wasn't cheating on Tom with.

Meanwhile, the Situation apparently never goes back to the girl he brought home, lending more proof to the speculation that he is either gay or dealing with some sort of serious STD that he would rather not divulge on TV.

-"You just need to have more fun." -Sammi's mom. I think punching people in the face is good fun. More of that, Samantha.

-"Keep it classy? You serious? You can forget about that first part." -Roger, already much more likable than Tawme.

-"Nicole has an idea to get a stripper pole...and this house needs a fucking stripper pole." -Vinny.

Ron, proving he is more than just a pretty face called the need for a stripper pole on day one. Good work, m'boy.

"It's not that sturdy, so no fat girls can go on it." -Vinny.

-I told you that Deana and Dean hooked up, as I certainly consider tonguing a butthole hooking up. That is some solid barbershop gossip. Great masturbation material (I don't really feel that way, just really wanted to work that clip in somehow).

"He said that he wanted you to suck his dick, but that you wanted to lick...(gestures to ass) his butthole." -Pauly.

Bizarro Ronnie continues to impress, and Deana's denials of her alleged Salad Tossing fetish were a little Bill Clinton-esque, as in not believable.

-AND SAMMI ends up staying, and is apparently still dating Ron. Did she just take the pants and is he the battered wife now? How the fuck did that happen?

(Slams more 4 Loko)

(Blacks out)


Hook-Ups: Jenny gets it innnnnn. That is all.

Most Valuable Guido: Sammi. You throw a punch, you win this award. Now actually go the fuck home.


Next week: Stripper pole failure is really all I can recall, as I drank away all memory last night. Sorry. Ronnie bleeds from his asshole. I bet Deena is to blame.