Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 3, Episode 7 plus Melo, Mark Cuban, J.R. and more

Usually I start this with a disclaimer about how I was lazy, drunk and didn't blog in time. But today, my excuse is much better (and really not needed). Yes, I was drunk and a tad bit late with the blog, but the reason why is pretty epic.

You see, due to reasons beyond my control (roommate grabbing remote control) I missed out on the first couple airings of Jersey Shore and decided to then get drunk with Arab Money and The Wedding DJ. We drank plenty of PBR at Maloney's, then planned on going back to Arab Money's to mock the Shorites. But, as soon as we exited the bar, we noticed someone more inebriated than either of us, one J.R. Smith, struggling to order some grub from the mobile hot dog stand. Arab Money and I laughed, then proceed to watch some random hopper video JR and announce it is going on World Star Hip Hop. Woooo.

The fun doesn't end there. Who should appear next from the Oak Tavern (or Spill?) but Mr. Knickerbocker, Carmelo Anthony, rocking a very trendy kinitted sweater hoodie (sarcasm) and also dying for some sustinance. He isn't near as drunk as JR, but is drunk enough he states that he can't take pictures anymore. He does ask if Arab Money's hot dog is good to go. Other members of Melo's entourage, including former CSU baller Tyler Smith, are hanging around, so AM and I chill out to scope the scene. Oh hey, guess who else is in the mix? None other than Dexter Fowler, super fucked up, and his fat-titted girly friend.

But the starstruck moment turns to surreal in the next instant, when some random 40-year old drunk comes up in between Arab Money and I, grabs our shoulders, and yells out, "The Nuggets fucking blow." I turn to tell this douchebag off, but I realize that he is none other than Mark fucking Cuban (who also states he is too drunk for pictures).

So yeah, I might be late on the Jersey Shore recap, but I think that is a sufficient reason why. Haters.

On to the Shore, which was a pretty epic episode:

-To start off, Mike is giving some relationship advice, which Arab Money notes is a very bad sign for the welfare of everyone.

-Ron and Sam fight. As if Ron is 5, Pauly tries to distract him by taking him on the Tilt-A-Whirl and some roller coasters. Somehow, this doesn't work.

-"Ronni kinda has a tempah" -Pauly D, who then shadow boxes in the background while prepping for Ronni/Sammi round 347.

-"I played it wrong," Mike bitches out to Ronni. "I'll buy you some cotton candy a little later." Good call, Sitch. No need to get your ass whooped for a girl that straight shunned you 2 seasons ago.

-"A whole bag full of condoms." -Roger, when asked what he brings into the house prior to his two week vacay from the Shore and J-Dubs. Quickly he is becoming an upper echelon character.

-"How could you sit there and lie to my face, after what you did?" -Sam

"Which time?" -Ronni, just smashing that lob back into her face.

-"He's gonna do something totally shady." -Sam
"Yuuuuppp." -Snooki

-"I love the dick." -Sam
"Me too." -Snook.

-"They're are talking all about relationships and my sneakers are dirty." -Pauly.

"They're gonna bang soon." -Vinny.

-"Sammy is like a spidermonkey sitting on the bed with a pitbull lock." -Vinny, giving Mike Vick a shoutout.

-"I'm just gonna go out and be a slut." -Sammi, good call, because being a slut always brings your boyfriend running back.

-"Come back to my closet and help me get dressed." -Sam.

"You mean your patio?" -Arab Money, after Ron throws all Sammi's shit out the door.

"You want to act like a dog, you can sleep outside like a dog." -Ron.

-"It's kind of like an analogy for Vinny's penis not fitting into my pin hole." -Snooki, comparing her and D-Na's inability to angle a bed through a door to Vinny's schlong.

-Ironically, all of the Guidos magically end up at the same bar. Just a coincidence, not producer interference at all.

-"I want to fucking ring your neck right now." -Ronni. If only the OJ-Nicole Simpson murder was a reality show, I bet it would have played out just like this. But, it probably wouldn't be allowed as evidence (confused, watch the June 17, 1994 30 for 30 and realize how having good lawyers can save your ass).

-Hehehehe. Mid-rant, Sammi drops a nice burp. Solid push.

-"Nobody touch the fucking smoosh-room." -J-Woww, oblivious to the potential murder going down and desperate to hook Roger.

"The more the merrier." -Roger, after Jenny busts out the S&M outfit and Snooki/Deena offer to join.

-"Ronni keeps talking about girl/guy code. Then he throws her bed outside. What about general human code?" -Situation, who is becoming something of a semi-retarded muse.

-"She's doing something to do with packing...and something that ryhems with.... ...weaving?"-Vinny to Ron, after Sam explicitly asks him not to divulge her plans.

-"I'm going to let you go. As much as it pains you." -Ron, with one of the most egotistical statements of all-time. And hypocritical, as the big bad roid-rager cries all night when Sammi says goodbye.

-CAAAABS AHHH HEEEEEEAAAHHH" -Pauly, announcing the departure of Sammi about 6 seasons too late.


MVG: Sammi: For coming to the most rational decision of the entire show. Yes, leaving the Ronster about six domestic assaults late, but she finally got it done.  Plus, she attempted to bag random dudes before her exit just to piss him off. Props. Ronni could have won this award due to his excellent whore-demolition skills, but his weeping bumped him out of this slot.

Mostly though, Sammi should never be welcomed back to this show, so I'll let her go out with Guid.

Bed-post notches: None...GAYYYY

Next Week: You need highlights besides no more Sammi and possible Cocaine Ronaldino? Because I sure don't.

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 3, Episode 5 Drunk Punch Love

Preamble: Tonight's recap is sponsored by 4Loko, because I drank it while watching the show last night and the hangover has just ended, finally allowing me to behave like a human.


We pick up tonight's episode with the news that these Shoretards are gonna be hanging out in Italy next season, which is intriguing. This means that either the show is going to be glorious with the whole fish-outta-water thing and one of the Guidos getting whacked (off) by some Sicilian mobster, or it has jumped the shark and will now be super-duper terrible. Fingers crossed, but I really don't see how Vinny and Pauly D trying to hit on girls in broken I-tie won't be entertaining. Plus, I'm still kinda pissed at Italy for WWII, so sending these fuckos over there should punish them sufficiently.

Aight, let's get this shit crizzackin and talk about licking buttholes:

-"I'm not even that spiteful." -J-Woww, talking about the fact that Tawme stole her naked pics (and other random crap). Good self awareness.


-"Nicole left me strict instructions not to sleep with any more of her friends...I'm not sure what to do." -Vinny, confused that Snooks doesn't want him banging her trashy friends. Because she knows what diseases those whores are carrying.


-If only changing doorknobs was as easy as slobbing on knobs (like corn on the cob), Snook and J-Woww would get it done in no time. Jenny then mentions how hard she has worked to get her house...Apparently she put in a lot of extra shifts at the Gelateria and the T-Shirt Shop? Never worked a day in her life, methinks.



-Dogs in the house will only end horribly, but I do enjoy Pauly's nicknames for them; Snooki and Ryder.


-"Have you met my friend, Bjork?" -Vinny, to a frilly J-Woww.


-All of those cousins, uncles, etc. did a pretty piss poor job protecting the girl Vinny took home. He gets her home, then they show up and cockblock the Vinster. Cynical me says this is all for some TV time and planned in advance.

"It's like the Capulets and the whatevers." -Vin, ahh, Italy is gonna love the knowledge these dirtbags will spread.



-Ronnie drops bombs on Sammi: "Pack your shit and get the fuck out."


"Cry all you want, your tears don't mean shit to me."


These mix well with his first laughter of the entire season.


-Vuvuzela Grenade Whistles are funny.

-"We told her the truth so that she would leave and then you could be yourself." -Jenny, the most manipulative bitch in the world.

To an openly weeping Ronald. Steroids, beer and heartbreak apparently don't mix. Cry like a bitch, might get socked like a bitch /foreshadowing.

-"Sam, do you have any condoms." -Situation, to a crying Sammi. "Ask Ronnie, he probably has a few." What a team player she is.

-Sammi spots Ron being friends with J-Woww, and gets steamed. "Unleash the CRACKEN!" screams Arab Money, about 5 Lokos deep in preparation for the evil one to leave the show.

Then, WHAMMY:

Which is really a nice birthday present for Ryder, who is being serenaded by the rest of the group while passed out in a corner. Great editing, even if this actually didn't all happen at the same time /cynicism.

-"This is God telling me to leave." -Sammi. Humble.

-"You're acting like Angelina." -Vinny, with a harsh burn.

-"I need that (dog) so I can get it in." -Jenny, grabbing one of the yappers so she can bang Roger who she totally wasn't cheating on Tom with.

Meanwhile, the Situation apparently never goes back to the girl he brought home, lending more proof to the speculation that he is either gay or dealing with some sort of serious STD that he would rather not divulge on TV.

-"You just need to have more fun." -Sammi's mom. I think punching people in the face is good fun. More of that, Samantha.

-"Keep it classy? You serious? You can forget about that first part." -Roger, already much more likable than Tawme.

-"Nicole has an idea to get a stripper pole...and this house needs a fucking stripper pole." -Vinny.

Ron, proving he is more than just a pretty face called the need for a stripper pole on day one. Good work, m'boy.

"It's not that sturdy, so no fat girls can go on it." -Vinny.

-I told you that Deana and Dean hooked up, as I certainly consider tonguing a butthole hooking up. That is some solid barbershop gossip. Great masturbation material (I don't really feel that way, just really wanted to work that clip in somehow).

"He said that he wanted you to suck his dick, but that you wanted to lick...(gestures to ass) his butthole." -Pauly.

Bizarro Ronnie continues to impress, and Deana's denials of her alleged Salad Tossing fetish were a little Bill Clinton-esque, as in not believable.

-AND SAMMI ends up staying, and is apparently still dating Ron. Did she just take the pants and is he the battered wife now? How the fuck did that happen?

(Slams more 4 Loko)

(Blacks out)


Hook-Ups: Jenny gets it innnnnn. That is all.

Most Valuable Guido: Sammi. You throw a punch, you win this award. Now actually go the fuck home.


Next week: Stripper pole failure is really all I can recall, as I drank away all memory last night. Sorry. Ronnie bleeds from his asshole. I bet Deena is to blame.