Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 3, Episode 5 Drunk Punch Love

Preamble: Tonight's recap is sponsored by 4Loko, because I drank it while watching the show last night and the hangover has just ended, finally allowing me to behave like a human.


We pick up tonight's episode with the news that these Shoretards are gonna be hanging out in Italy next season, which is intriguing. This means that either the show is going to be glorious with the whole fish-outta-water thing and one of the Guidos getting whacked (off) by some Sicilian mobster, or it has jumped the shark and will now be super-duper terrible. Fingers crossed, but I really don't see how Vinny and Pauly D trying to hit on girls in broken I-tie won't be entertaining. Plus, I'm still kinda pissed at Italy for WWII, so sending these fuckos over there should punish them sufficiently.

Aight, let's get this shit crizzackin and talk about licking buttholes:

-"I'm not even that spiteful." -J-Woww, talking about the fact that Tawme stole her naked pics (and other random crap). Good self awareness.


-"Nicole left me strict instructions not to sleep with any more of her friends...I'm not sure what to do." -Vinny, confused that Snooks doesn't want him banging her trashy friends. Because she knows what diseases those whores are carrying.


-If only changing doorknobs was as easy as slobbing on knobs (like corn on the cob), Snook and J-Woww would get it done in no time. Jenny then mentions how hard she has worked to get her house...Apparently she put in a lot of extra shifts at the Gelateria and the T-Shirt Shop? Never worked a day in her life, methinks.



-Dogs in the house will only end horribly, but I do enjoy Pauly's nicknames for them; Snooki and Ryder.


-"Have you met my friend, Bjork?" -Vinny, to a frilly J-Woww.


-All of those cousins, uncles, etc. did a pretty piss poor job protecting the girl Vinny took home. He gets her home, then they show up and cockblock the Vinster. Cynical me says this is all for some TV time and planned in advance.

"It's like the Capulets and the whatevers." -Vin, ahh, Italy is gonna love the knowledge these dirtbags will spread.



-Ronnie drops bombs on Sammi: "Pack your shit and get the fuck out."


"Cry all you want, your tears don't mean shit to me."


These mix well with his first laughter of the entire season.


-Vuvuzela Grenade Whistles are funny.

-"We told her the truth so that she would leave and then you could be yourself." -Jenny, the most manipulative bitch in the world.

To an openly weeping Ronald. Steroids, beer and heartbreak apparently don't mix. Cry like a bitch, might get socked like a bitch /foreshadowing.

-"Sam, do you have any condoms." -Situation, to a crying Sammi. "Ask Ronnie, he probably has a few." What a team player she is.

-Sammi spots Ron being friends with J-Woww, and gets steamed. "Unleash the CRACKEN!" screams Arab Money, about 5 Lokos deep in preparation for the evil one to leave the show.

Then, WHAMMY:

Which is really a nice birthday present for Ryder, who is being serenaded by the rest of the group while passed out in a corner. Great editing, even if this actually didn't all happen at the same time /cynicism.

-"This is God telling me to leave." -Sammi. Humble.

-"You're acting like Angelina." -Vinny, with a harsh burn.

-"I need that (dog) so I can get it in." -Jenny, grabbing one of the yappers so she can bang Roger who she totally wasn't cheating on Tom with.

Meanwhile, the Situation apparently never goes back to the girl he brought home, lending more proof to the speculation that he is either gay or dealing with some sort of serious STD that he would rather not divulge on TV.

-"You just need to have more fun." -Sammi's mom. I think punching people in the face is good fun. More of that, Samantha.

-"Keep it classy? You serious? You can forget about that first part." -Roger, already much more likable than Tawme.

-"Nicole has an idea to get a stripper pole...and this house needs a fucking stripper pole." -Vinny.

Ron, proving he is more than just a pretty face called the need for a stripper pole on day one. Good work, m'boy.

"It's not that sturdy, so no fat girls can go on it." -Vinny.

-I told you that Deana and Dean hooked up, as I certainly consider tonguing a butthole hooking up. That is some solid barbershop gossip. Great masturbation material (I don't really feel that way, just really wanted to work that clip in somehow).

"He said that he wanted you to suck his dick, but that you wanted to lick...(gestures to ass) his butthole." -Pauly.

Bizarro Ronnie continues to impress, and Deana's denials of her alleged Salad Tossing fetish were a little Bill Clinton-esque, as in not believable.

-AND SAMMI ends up staying, and is apparently still dating Ron. Did she just take the pants and is he the battered wife now? How the fuck did that happen?

(Slams more 4 Loko)

(Blacks out)


Hook-Ups: Jenny gets it innnnnn. That is all.

Most Valuable Guido: Sammi. You throw a punch, you win this award. Now actually go the fuck home.


Next week: Stripper pole failure is really all I can recall, as I drank away all memory last night. Sorry. Ronnie bleeds from his asshole. I bet Deena is to blame.

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 3, Episode 4 Free Snooki

Awwww Shizzle. Coming off Monday's Super Awesome Snooki episode, Jersey Shore season 3 is hitting it's stride. And soon Sammi is gonna sock Ronald. Can't. Fucking. Wait.

Without further adieu, your Jersey Shore Study Guido:

-The gang starts off the episode by going to bail out the Snooki. Shockingly, she is actually at the jail and hadn't been transfered to an animal shelter.

-"I'm G now. Don't fuck with me." -Snooks.

She then calls her "psycho" dad to tell him that she has been arrested, and he seems pretty calm, like "You got arrested, for public drunkeness again?"

Then she decides to act like it isn't a big deal, which kinda pisses him the fuck off. So he threatens to come down there in his big truck and pick her up if she does it again. And then ground her, and "there will be no more hanging out with those troublemaking friends, missy, you hear me. One MORE TIME you get arrested for being a whore in public while slobberingly drunk and you are in trouble."

How the fuck old is she? Answer: 23, which is about 5 years too old for a parent to threaten this. Maybe her pops is realizing how terrible of a job he did raising this monkey-person and is trying to fix it. It's gone too far.

-Snooks and Jenny talk it out, and instead of realizing that tiny people shouldn't be allowed to drink all day (or drive cars for that matter) they blame all her problems on the fact that she is single. Because single people can't be happy, and people in relationships never drink to excess.

While talking about finding relationships that are meaningful, Snooks is wearing a hat that says, "Sometimes you feel like a slut..."

-"Vinny, Pauly, this is my perfect man. What's your name again?" -Deena, while introducing Ronnie2 to the boys.

It is scary how much he looks like the OG Ronnie, especially when he does the "I Can't Feel My Face" move (it is amazing how much everyone looks alike when they cover their face with their hand and wave it back and forth. For a second I thought he was Obama).

-The boys bring Ronnie2 (actual name, Dean, so we have Dean & Deena hooking up, okay) home and plan to sneak him into bed with Sammi, to see her reaction. As they get into the room, Ronnie is alerted to the fact that there is an impostor him, and just goes, "Is it Dean?"

Then they move on...What? How the fuck did he know him? Is Guido-side that small? Are they brothers? Cousins? THIS IS THE WHOLE REASON FOR INTERVIEWS AFTER THE FACT! What good are you, producers? (Unless, of course, this was all set up ahead of time and the producers couldn't risk letting us all know it is a facade)

ALERT: After watching the internet post-show, it is announced that Ronni met Dean at a bar previously and "chubby-Ron," as OG calls him, sorta hit on Ronnie and it is bandied about that he hooked up with Deana to get closer to Ron. Don't worry baby birds, I'll sort through all the shit that is MTV programming to find these nuggets of golden info.

-Ron also points out that Dean has a girlfriend named Sam, just like himself. Seconds later, Dean goes hotubbing and snuggles with D-Na and announces he "is as single as can be." When D-Na finds out the next manana that he is not, she really couldn't give a shit. Good girl.

-Vinny and Pauly have a tremendous riff about fake-Ronnie cheating on Sam, and if they should write an anonymous letter with big words and poor legalese. Please give them more airtime, they make the show.

Ronnie later tries to make the same letter joke in regards to J-Woww, but it is bitter and stupid, much like Ronnie this season.

-"I think Pinot is okay, because pregnant girls drink it." -Snooki, on whether she should stop drinking...the day after she already went out drinking.

-Though it was an obvious Flip Camera commercial inside the episode, Pauly voicing Snook's Puff and J-Woww's tits was pretty hilarious.

-"I might have to double-panty it tonight because it might get bad." -Snooks, on her new gorilla, Nick the Mick (they make it so damn easy with the names on this show). I assumed she was taking precaution because of the "Wet, wet that fuck up the sheets" aka Cooter Juice, but then she says that she poops whenever she gets excited...which comes full-circle to my surprise about the jail/shelter situation earlier.

-It appears Nick the Mick has a "La Familia" tramp-stamp. Whuck? He does throw it to Snooks, upping our hook-up total to maybe two for the show (D-Na's is up for further review at the moment, we'll have final judgment at the conclusion of the blog).

-"Roger that." Pauly, while Jenny is breaking up with Tom-Tawm and failing to mention her new beau. 

-J-Woww forgets her anniversary. J-Woww is a bitch that doesn't call and then chews out her boyfriend when they do talk. J-Woww goes on multiple dates with another dude. J-Woww breaks up with Taw-Me over the phone. Taw-Me responds by stealing some her shit and locking her dogs up safely in the house.

Rational human response: "I probably deserved that."

J-Woww response: "I didn't deserve any of this."

Props to fucking Tommy from Quinzee, going out with a fucking bang. I'm sure he's spend tons on that whore (and was her manager that she tried to stiff after getting stuffed by another dude), so might as well steal random shit like beds, watches, hard drives and money, especially when the bitch was dumb enough to break it off with you WHILE you were living at her house alone and had access to bank accounts.

Though I wish he would have skinned the dogs alive and hung their pelts on the door or something equally as vile to really fuck up the J-Wowzer.

-J-Woww claims Tawme was a really dick to her off camera, causing the break-up and her breakdown (according to the post-show), but I think she was the most upset with the realization that on said hard drive were the naked pics, pre-tit jobs.


Bed-Post Notches: Snooki- 1, which I'm sure will relive Vinny and Seabiscuit.

Upon futher review, I will give D-Na a notch, as I assume fake-Ronnie plowed a couple fingers in there. No golden ticket, but we'll give her a break.

MVG: A tight race, as Snooki was on her game as always and I really wanted to give it to RonalDean-O (get it?), but he only had like 3 minutes of airtime. In the end, through all the yelling, cheating, bitching, and even setting-up Snookers, J-Woww was the star of this episode. Totally clinched in the final minutes, during her confessional interview in which she had tear stains all the way down to her boobs, leading to Arab Money assume that tears were shredding her fake-baked skin.

(Props to Arab Money for the photo)

Next Week: Sammi punches Ronni. Sammi punches Ronni. OHHHH YAAAAA. And if things go according to plan, Arab Money and I will be getting epically shitfaced for this momentous occasion in downtown Denver. All those within a five-mile radius, I invite you to join in, as you are probably gonna die in the resulting carnage that we create anyway.  Might as well fist-pump first.

More details to follow as we hope to see this face again.