Jersey Shore Hook-UPS: Season 3, Episodes 10-Reunion Super Deluxe Edition

So, it would appear that I took a little time off from the whole blog thing. Or I died. Fortunetly it is only the former. So I'm back, back from a Vegas vacation, the NCAA Tournament, time spent job hunting (and the crippling depression resulting from failure in said endeavor), from banging randos and losing my phone, yes back from all of that to jump headlong into like 4 Shore episodes and then get cracking on some actual sports crap.

This recap will tread a little lighter on the quotes and focus more on general snarkiness at "pivotal moments."

Episode 10: Cheese
Synopsis: Ronnie comes out like a Stage 5 clinger, following dumbass Sammy around like a lost puppy. "We're done," she says over and over, but Ronnie doesn't understand what this means, much in the same way professional athletes and toddlers don't understand what no means. It means no.


-The plumbers finally come (Snooki thinks the fat one is hot) and are surprised that they don't have maggots (but can maggots get maggots?) and are surprised to find that someone (aka Vincenzo) flushed a wifebeater down the drain. Why would someone do that? Who the fuck knows?

The meatballs give Mike a cheese bed, which causes him to not bang some girl due to her stank box, but he does let her give him head. We then get a nice PSA message to let everyone know that you can get STD's from oral sex, which Mikey apparently didn't know. You know how football players are donating their mashed up brains to science so we can learn more about the extreme damage that concussions cause? Well, I really hope Sitch donates his penis, so we can learn to fight the superHerps that are growing on his member.

Quote of the Night: "Wanna see my dwuck-phwone?" -Pauly D, to some whore.

Hook-Ups: Vinny- 2 (which pisses off Snooki), PaulyD- 1, Mike- 1.

Most Valuable Guido: Situation, because THE MORE YOU KNOW!

Episode 11: Gym, Tan, Find Out Who Sam is Texting (clever fucking title):
Highlights: The Situation let's dogs shit all over the place, which is the biggest cry for attention at all time. Not a funny prank.

-Vinny takes Pauly home to meet la familia. Those guys are really taking their bromance to a new level. Sam pumps the breaks on Ron-Ron.

-Vinny turns himself black, which is really is true race. On the way back Roger does "the dip," pissing off J-Woww. Ronnie immediately comes up with excuses for Rod-Gah, and Sammy does the perfect victim routine by agreeing.

-There is a water balloon fight. It is actually entertaining.

-Could someone please edit these episodes without Ronnie and Sammi in them? I would pay like $10/episode.

-I love that they spread the rumor all around the group before telling Sammi or Ron. It's like they learned nothing from Miami. Oh wait, I'm sure they didn't.

Quote of the Night: "If this relationship continues, I'll kill myself." -Pauly D, stating the nation's thoughts exactly.

Hook-Ups: Snooki- 1, Pauly D: 1 (kinda off camera).

Most Valuable Guido: The fucking dogs, God what a shitty episode.

Episode 12: A House Divided
Synopsis: Pauly holds Vin's hand while he gets his ears pierced. Really this is getting out of control.

-Jenny confirms that guys who ride Harleys or drive big cars have small penises.

-The stalker shows up to get more abuse from Pauly. I hope she shows up in Italy.

-Ron and Sam smush. Sun rises. Bird fly. They will fight later. They are the Pittsburgh Pirates of relationships.

-Vinny gets gangster. Shits all over some grenades, Snookers and then Sammi. Kinda acting like a doucher, but dumb shit happens when you're drunk and cockblocked.

Quote(s) of the Night: "Can you give her a ride now?" -Pauly "Can you give her a ride later?" -Vinny. Wowwww, that is cold blooded.

"All right, come on Snooki." -Gangster Vincenzo.

Hook-Ups: Off-Camera hook-ups for Vinny & Pauly, apparently.

Most Valuable Guido: Vinny. The kid was out of fucking control.

Episode 13: At the End of the Day
Synopsis: J-Woww's dad needs his own reality show. What makes that guy tick? How did he end up with a daughter like J-Dubs? Is he a famous musician? Artist? Pedophile?

-Deena busts out a whole lotta blockage of Vin's cock. He gets really bitchy. I really can't place much blame on Deena here. She gotta protect both her friends, but again, she should really stop having whorey friends if them being whores causes problems.

And Vinny really crossed the line with the Angelina dig.

-Say what you want about Mikey's rabble-rousing and underhandedness, but that kid is always the shoulder that Ronnie ends up crying onto, always the guy that is there for the hard times. Sure, he probably caused it, but he'll help get you out of it. Probably not because he likes you, but at least he'll be on camera.

-Ronnie again repeats his mantra of not falling in love at the Shore, but maybe he should stop looking at the same dumb whore for love?

Quote of the Night: "That rug is a symbol for Ron and Sam's relationship." -Mikey, pointing to the shit and piss covered centerpiece of the lovely Shore house.

Hook-Ups: I don't think anyone got a new one in.

Most Valuable Guido: Jenny's father.

Reunion: 
Synopsis: Vinny and Pauly are indeed getting married. Who says you can't find true love on a reality TV show?

-We discover that clearly Mike loves to have sex with himself and he struggles to work a bra. He also doesn't know how condoms work. And he made $5 million last year. I made about $15,000. Life is unfair.

-It is a Snitchuation Nation. I'm surprised he hasn't jumped on the chance to start a TMZ style gossip site.

-Deena totally liks assholes.

-"You still get a little emotional about this." -Stupid Joliesa the host, to Ron and Sam. Gee, you fucking think?

"You should make out." Pauly.

-Wait, MTV is just randomly throwing a Spanish Tylenol commercial at me? As if I wasn't embarrassed enough to watch this show.

Most Hook-Ups: Vinny with 7*. Congrats, but do to MTV's shitty editing we missed several

Guido of the Year: Vinny. From most bedpost notches, to fucking with Snookers, to his escalating bromance, to his non-stop sarcastic humor, Vinny was just on point this season. He just barely edges out Pauly, and basically they will share the award, like they share everything.

Honorable Mention: The Situation, just for his Trump Roast bomb.

LVG: Ron, for crying like a bitch in a record 15 straight episodes.

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 3, Episode 5 Drunk Punch Love

Preamble: Tonight's recap is sponsored by 4Loko, because I drank it while watching the show last night and the hangover has just ended, finally allowing me to behave like a human.


We pick up tonight's episode with the news that these Shoretards are gonna be hanging out in Italy next season, which is intriguing. This means that either the show is going to be glorious with the whole fish-outta-water thing and one of the Guidos getting whacked (off) by some Sicilian mobster, or it has jumped the shark and will now be super-duper terrible. Fingers crossed, but I really don't see how Vinny and Pauly D trying to hit on girls in broken I-tie won't be entertaining. Plus, I'm still kinda pissed at Italy for WWII, so sending these fuckos over there should punish them sufficiently.

Aight, let's get this shit crizzackin and talk about licking buttholes:

-"I'm not even that spiteful." -J-Woww, talking about the fact that Tawme stole her naked pics (and other random crap). Good self awareness.


-"Nicole left me strict instructions not to sleep with any more of her friends...I'm not sure what to do." -Vinny, confused that Snooks doesn't want him banging her trashy friends. Because she knows what diseases those whores are carrying.


-If only changing doorknobs was as easy as slobbing on knobs (like corn on the cob), Snook and J-Woww would get it done in no time. Jenny then mentions how hard she has worked to get her house...Apparently she put in a lot of extra shifts at the Gelateria and the T-Shirt Shop? Never worked a day in her life, methinks.



-Dogs in the house will only end horribly, but I do enjoy Pauly's nicknames for them; Snooki and Ryder.


-"Have you met my friend, Bjork?" -Vinny, to a frilly J-Woww.


-All of those cousins, uncles, etc. did a pretty piss poor job protecting the girl Vinny took home. He gets her home, then they show up and cockblock the Vinster. Cynical me says this is all for some TV time and planned in advance.

"It's like the Capulets and the whatevers." -Vin, ahh, Italy is gonna love the knowledge these dirtbags will spread.



-Ronnie drops bombs on Sammi: "Pack your shit and get the fuck out."


"Cry all you want, your tears don't mean shit to me."


These mix well with his first laughter of the entire season.


-Vuvuzela Grenade Whistles are funny.

-"We told her the truth so that she would leave and then you could be yourself." -Jenny, the most manipulative bitch in the world.

To an openly weeping Ronald. Steroids, beer and heartbreak apparently don't mix. Cry like a bitch, might get socked like a bitch /foreshadowing.

-"Sam, do you have any condoms." -Situation, to a crying Sammi. "Ask Ronnie, he probably has a few." What a team player she is.

-Sammi spots Ron being friends with J-Woww, and gets steamed. "Unleash the CRACKEN!" screams Arab Money, about 5 Lokos deep in preparation for the evil one to leave the show.

Then, WHAMMY:

Which is really a nice birthday present for Ryder, who is being serenaded by the rest of the group while passed out in a corner. Great editing, even if this actually didn't all happen at the same time /cynicism.

-"This is God telling me to leave." -Sammi. Humble.

-"You're acting like Angelina." -Vinny, with a harsh burn.

-"I need that (dog) so I can get it in." -Jenny, grabbing one of the yappers so she can bang Roger who she totally wasn't cheating on Tom with.

Meanwhile, the Situation apparently never goes back to the girl he brought home, lending more proof to the speculation that he is either gay or dealing with some sort of serious STD that he would rather not divulge on TV.

-"You just need to have more fun." -Sammi's mom. I think punching people in the face is good fun. More of that, Samantha.

-"Keep it classy? You serious? You can forget about that first part." -Roger, already much more likable than Tawme.

-"Nicole has an idea to get a stripper pole...and this house needs a fucking stripper pole." -Vinny.

Ron, proving he is more than just a pretty face called the need for a stripper pole on day one. Good work, m'boy.

"It's not that sturdy, so no fat girls can go on it." -Vinny.

-I told you that Deana and Dean hooked up, as I certainly consider tonguing a butthole hooking up. That is some solid barbershop gossip. Great masturbation material (I don't really feel that way, just really wanted to work that clip in somehow).

"He said that he wanted you to suck his dick, but that you wanted to lick...(gestures to ass) his butthole." -Pauly.

Bizarro Ronnie continues to impress, and Deana's denials of her alleged Salad Tossing fetish were a little Bill Clinton-esque, as in not believable.

-AND SAMMI ends up staying, and is apparently still dating Ron. Did she just take the pants and is he the battered wife now? How the fuck did that happen?

(Slams more 4 Loko)

(Blacks out)


Hook-Ups: Jenny gets it innnnnn. That is all.

Most Valuable Guido: Sammi. You throw a punch, you win this award. Now actually go the fuck home.


Next week: Stripper pole failure is really all I can recall, as I drank away all memory last night. Sorry. Ronnie bleeds from his asshole. I bet Deena is to blame.