You Can Go Back to College: TCU PostPregaming

This weekend I went back in time. No, not with Doc Brown and Marty, but back to college.

Time travel to college is always possible, especially in a town like Fort Collins (especially since we traveled forward in time on many occasions while blacked out, the Fort is obviously located in some odd Space/Time Continuum).  Even if the names and locations of the bars change while the students at the bar keep looking younger, the beautiful thing about CSU and it's surroundings is that all the energy from those youngins partying will make you feel like you have a freshly minted 21+ ID and no aversion to vodka.

As soon as I rolled into the Fort on Friday afternoon I felt an optimism and freshness that has been out of my life for too long. It had been almost two years since I was in Fort Collins for a football game weekend and I had forgotten just how fun those days were.

In less than 48 hours I hit up almost every place that was important to me during my years at State. I started off Friday with some El Burrito, then a brew tour at New Belgium ("The beer is free?" my mother asked, shocked) and then a quick visit to campus.

Now, San Diego has beautiful weather year round, but there is nothing like a sunny, clear Colorado day in the fall or spring. It is literally perfect weather and you enjoy it because it is unexpected and you don't know how long it will last. You can actually use it as an excuse to leave work early or take an extended lunch.

I dropped by the ole campus to check in with past employers, to alert them that I was returning to Colorado. I love CSU, and I would really love it a whole lot more if my education and contacts there actually helped land me a job. My old bosses were nice enough to ask me to join them for a beer at Potts, another check mark on the FoCo experience.

I also really needed to drop a deuce, so I hit up my favorite stall on campus (Clark C) and read the best student newspaper in the world (Step your game up, Ramtalkers). Check.

Friday night was Round 1 of Old Town; Sports Exchange (formerly Hamiltons & Connor O'Neils?), Bondi (Zydecos),  and Steakout (Steakout). Even though the decorations and names had changed at the first two bars I still ran into a lot of familiar faces.

I crashed at my buddy Kilometer's house and he was kind enough to wake me up in the wee hours of the morning with a bloody mary. Such hospitality. From that moment on (8:00-ish) I had a drink in my hand for almost 12 hours, with a short break before another trip to Old Town. God I miss college football Saturdays.

Places were I drank in the next 12 hours:
-At Kilos house
-In his roommates Charlie's truck on the way to The Entrepreneur's house.
-In the back of The Entrepreneur's 20-foot flatbed truck while making sure the gas can didn't tip over.
-At our tailgate spot, featuring giant speakers and a dance party on said flatbed truck (and several lovely shotguns, including one with my favorite Newcastle fan and former Sullivan's bouncer, which checks off that place on my list without me having to go there).
-In the Ram Wagon, a converted Winnebago that  had been abandoned for a year before some CSU fans rescued it, hotwired it and brought it to the game. Inside the wagon we founda plethora of random tailgating crap, including BB guns in case we had to battle the cops, or something.
-At the Ramstrong Tailgate along with my parents and Sonny Lubick.
-In line to get into the stadium, along with my favorite painted Ram fans, some pictured here:

-And of course, several beers in the stands, which was really awesome of my parents to buy for me (My parents fed me and bought me beer all weekend, like I was a very spoiled, alcoholic 12-year old. It was really a dream come true).

We now interrupt this blog about drinking in college with some...

Actual Game Analysis: The game sucked. We didn't even score. Didn't even come close. The D played hard, but just died after halftime. I only wanted one score to rush the field and I couldn't even get that.

Now, back to the fun. After dicking around in the early evening (videogames and Icings, bro), it was finally T-SHIRT TIME!!! and the highlight of my trip: The ride from Kilo's house to Old Town.

The bed of the The Entrepreneur's commercial truck is also equipped with giant speakers and subwoofers, so he, Kilos and I all rode in the back down college slamming Coors Lights while jamming out to Tio Cruz (Dynamite), B.O.B. (Magic), and Cee-Lo (Fuck You). I had as much fun in those 10 minutes as I have had doing almost anything out here in San Diego. A valuable lesson: good friends are better than good weather.

I got my handfuls of nuts from Lucky Joes and then moved onto the Sports Ex again, joined by Sailor, Nutty Nate, the Morman and DJ Stringer Bell. It was an enjoyable night full of whores, near-fights and a random encounter with my buddy Johnny from my Vegas trip last year. Told you I was a big deal.

Though I was planning on returning to Colorado in December-ish, this weekend was the final nail that confirmed to me that I have to move back. I am a Coloradoan, I am a Ram and the Box State is my home.

I mean, I can't just go back to college once a year. That place needs me.

Broncos: I watched an entire Broncos game for the first time this season and I really like what I saw. Orty Balls is playing as dirty as his beard, the defense flies around making big plays and our coverage units still suck. Welp, 2-of-3 ain't bad.

Better than being the Bears (hahahahahahahahha Cuntler I hope you die you Cunt) but salvation shall lie in the hands of Caleb Hanie (Memo to NFL teams: If you are set to play the Bears and Hanie is starting, sign Carson Bird. Caleb Hanie loves him like retards love glue.)

Bonus shoutout to Joel Dreessen, who led the Texans in recieving yards and cashed in a TD on Sunday. Pretty baller for a guy who played ball at Fort Morgan High (where much of the Rothe family is from /name drop).

Rockies: You guys closed out the season like the Broncos. That is not good.

At least you didn't lead us on until the last day and destroy us like the Padres enjoy doing to their 79 fans. I'm less concerned about the end of season swoon than the mediocrity you guys exhibited from April-August. Let's add a couple pitchers and get guys who don't strike out every third at bat (Tulo excluded. Cargo, work on it a little).

Avs: Hockey starts tomorrow. Just in fucking time, as I'm really sick of baseball right now (Ohhh, no-hitter. Fuck you Halliday and all you Philly Phucks). Get on the Avswagon now folks. Matty Ice, Mr. Anderson and all of the young guns will be a power for years, get on while there is still room (and there is plenty now since Colorado forgot about hockey following the strike).

Nuggets: Don't give a shit right now. But did you see John Wall? Kid is fucking ill. If Washington goes back to Bullets I might actually switch allegiances. You just watch.


Upcoming: Jersey Shore Hook-Ups tomorrow, Nuggs/NBA Preview w/ Edy (if his lazy ass feels like it), maybe an Avs preview (prolly not), CSU/SDSU weekend crazyness and the Sack family attending a Chargers/Broncos game. Should be a damn interesting last couple months in San Diego.

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 2, Episode 10

Sorry for this hook-up being a little late but I was traveling last week and unable to get my Jerze on.

We last saw our favorite drunken-semigods as Mike and Angelina were arguing about cleaning or something. Then she hauled off and tried to punch him. Stupid move, Angie, his head is way too big to be damaged by a punch.

-God this episode is boring early. Mike yelling at Angie, her yelling at Mike, me not giving a shit. Just go the fuck home, Angie.

-"Bringing random guys home, girls don't do that. Guys do that." -Pauly D. If there weren't worthless whores like Angelina how would guys like Pauly get laid? It's the chicken and the egg theory of Jersey Shore.

-Apparently you become a true member of the house when you try to punch Mike, at least according to J-Woww. Then Mike calls himself the leader of the house and compares himself to a third-world dictator. I really can't wait until that season of Jersey Shore, in Situationstan.

-T-SHIIIIRRRRTTTT TIIIIMMMMEEEE. Who wants to go in on me in a certified "T-Shirt Time" remix? Which rapper does it first? I bet Joe Budden makes a reference soon, some bum ass Southern rapper is the first to make a full song.

-New Samantha is a "model" from "Canada." Okay. She also calls some other whore "a nobody" at the club. Pot, meet kettle. Whores, meet slut.

-"She showed the Situation what she was all aboot." -Vinny. Too easy.

-When exactly should Angelina have asked to use Mike's bed, while he was having awkward, loud sex with Canadian Bacon? I think that would have been more rude.

P.S. Can we make sure to get this Jose fellow at the after show? I want to see him get fucking crushed as they show him video of Angie banging Vinny. I imagine he will have the same look on his face as Yankees fans watching the Red Sox win in 2007.

-"OHHHH YAAAHHHH! WAKE UP, YAHHH!!" I want a Pauly D alarm clock.

-Two of the notes on Snooks list are "Person like me" and "Someone who doesn't cheat." That is the definition of mutually exclusive.

-Only Angelina can turn a dinner invite into an arguement. "For myself, I'm gonna figure out what I want to do, then I'm going to do that." It was a yes or no question.

-That was a cute cyber-bullying ad. Guess what? If you try to kill yourself because of what someone writes about you on-line, you were going to do it anyway. The internet just speeds up the process, so we all win.

-"My v-neck is so fresh that it skipped t-shirt time. It defied the rules of t-shirt time." -Vinny.

-Angelina decides to leave at like 4:30 am, but thankfully decides to confront everyone before she bails. Snooki decides that if she can't find a juicehead, she will just steal one of Angie's old flames. Gasoline, meet fire.

-To preview the fight, we turn to Ronaldo.

"Standing in one corner, 4'9" with a 2-inch poof, Snooki. In the other corner, weighing in at 322 lbs, the Staten Island Dump."

-"It's like beating up a baby." -Ron, on how easy it is for Angelina to smack around Snookster. Ronny is on fire, saying maybe the two funniest things he has uttered in over 200 hours of TV time in the final minute of this episode.

-What a good smackdown. Snooki gets in some good shots, Angie dominates with a few solid takedowns. Then they go round two. Sadly Snooks doesn't actually go through with the effort to throw the vase of shells at Angelina, but I gotta give her props for creativity.

In the end, Angie gets the W. At least Snooki didn't get knocked the fuck out this time.

Aside: Why can they show this whole fight, but they bitched out of showing the Snooker film? It makes no sense. Kinda like how Tosh.0 had to swear retard one time, but CBS can show people getting shot non-stop. America is fucking stupid.

Next week: We recycle old plotlines with Sit. stealing Vinny's girl. Hopefully Vinny fucking shanks him. Snooki opens up about the list. That fucking list, again.

Only a couple 'sodes left and so many questions to answer. Will Ronnie kill anyone? Will Sammy ever realize how badly she was played? Will anyone double-team anyone? Will we ever see a black person on this show? Will Snooki find a giant, tiny-dicked man who enjoys bedazzled t-shirts? Will Vince's career be ruined by drug use? (Ooops wrong show).

Pregaming Analysis: CSU vs. TCU

Oh man, I am fucking stoked for this weekend. I'm going, going, back, back to college, college. Yes, after almost two years I will finally be back in good old Fort Collins for a football weekend. I have had an erection this whole week.

It is like the stars have aligned, CSU finally has a little bit of momentum and they happen to be playing the highest-ranked team ever to come to Hughes Stadium. And it just happens to be my favorite non-CSU college in America, Texas Christian (I waxed poetically about them last season).

DADDY WANTS TO RIP DOWN SOME GOALPOSTS!

Even if I don't, and CSU gets slaughtered, I will get to drink with my friends and family on a beautiful Colorado day, and then later, drink with my friends on a beautiful Colorado night. See, Colorado is pretty awesome right now, in this time called "fall." Our here in San Diego, it is still hot as not-balls (because saying "hot as balls" makes no sense, as balls are the coolest part of the body) summer and like 90 fucking degrees. Which would be awesome when it snowing in Colorado, but not near as awesome when it is awesome in Colorado. /random weather tangent


If anyone wants to partake in some beverage drinking I will be the tall fellow in lots of green shotgunning PBRs in the parking lot. With me will be my certainly-embarrassed parents. Last time they accompanied me to my buddy Dusty yakked in front of them. Whose turn is it this time? (Not mine, not mine, not mine /prayer)

The other time they visited for a football game it was delayed 3 hours due to lightning. So, whatever happens Saturday should be interesting.

Two years ago CSU should have beat TCU, but Crisco Greer and Sperry dropped sure touchdowns. This year, we better hope every TCU player gets dysentery. I'm not ruling it out though.

Weekend Sack-Up: Tang Power Baby

CSU won a motherfucking game. Yes we did, yes we did. DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES? YES!

We busted out the magic orange jerseys and sucker punched those jerk-offs from Moscow in dramatic fashion. Finally, since I started this blog one year ago, I am able to write about a CSU football victory. THINK ABOUT  THAT!

This one had all the makings of another trademarked CSU cuntpunch loss (i.e. Idaho 2009, New Mexico 2006, 2007 & 2009, Wyoming 2009, Air Force 2006, etc.). We couldn't play defense, committed numerous penalties, missed extra points and it wasn't televised, so everything was relayed to me via text message/iPhone apps (which is the absolute worst way to receive bad news, as I have a tendency to blame my expensive ass phone for this news and turn it into projectile fired blindly into the sky).

But CSU came through. Petey Thomas stepped up like a gotdamn boss, Ray-Ray Carter showed us that Crenshaw steez that made him a big-time recruit and Ben DeLine made up for his previous error and TOTALLY REDEEMED HIMSELF. (P.S. I spent Saturday night live-tweeting Dumb & Dumber. Check it out on Twitter. Just start the movie at the redemption/scooter scene and check out the #livetweetingdumbndumber hastag. Maybe my finest work ever).

I am just so excited that the Rams won't be carrying a 13-game losing streak into the TCU game next week, which I will be attending. I was really worried it would be a shitty gameday atmosphere (though I'm sure CSU will roll out the red carpet for me, #I'mkindabigdeal), but we shouldn't have a tough time getting asses in the seats next week. CSU students and fans seemed to be out in force Saturday, and with the highest-ranked team to ever play at Hughes and the Mighty Sack plus his parents in attendence, wow, shit is gonna be WILD.

BRONCOS:
We lost. Peyton Manning is really good. Even when outplayed by Kyle Orton (which kinda boggles the mind).

Still, five trips to the red zone and no touchdowns, that'll cost you every time.

I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really hate Austin Collie. At some point I'll put together my all-Hater team, but I know Marmalard is QB and Collie has the slot WR spot locked up.

Still, there are some definite bright spots for the Bronchachos so hopefully we figure it out.

(AND why, if we has a Tebow-Jesus, is he not our goalline fullquarterback mcJumppasser? What the fuck good is Virgin Air?)

Rockies:
You guys fought hard, but you were snakebit this week and then outpitched by the Giants. Tulo and Cargo can't do it all every single game. It was a fun season, but a little more consistency in June and July would've helped out a whole lot right now.


Let's find a veteran inning-eating starter, a couple solid relievers and a first baseman who can hit. Then we shall dominate.

And if somebody could teach Dexter Fowler to hit, that would be great.

Advanced Scouting:
I went to this weekend's SDSU game. That shit is soooooooo weak compared to a CSU game. And I don't think we even are in the top-40 as far as football game atmosphere goes.


I'll break this down further for the pre-SDSU/CSU game, but the only good thing about SDSU games is the girls.

I also learned that the Asstechs (tehee) are pretty good, but Utah State is maybe the worst team I have ever watched. Keep in mind, I watched CSU get dick-kicked by Nevada two weeks ago. How USU could go from losing by seven AT Oklahoma to a 40-point ass beating by State is astounding. I guess it shows just how wild the swings can be in college football. So much is based on emotion and matchups that don't translate or transfer from game-to-game.

U-Bald-O?: I got a marine recruit buzzcut on Saturday as well. Once it became clear that the Rockies and Tulo were done, I decided my mullet dream was over as well. I literally had about 100 people watch me get a haircut and I found out that I have a lumpy head. I'm just glad that my hair will grow back.

"Keep a fresh bald head like I just left Chemo"

Melo: Good riddance. Enjoy New Joisey and trading away any chance of basketball success to help your fat, no-talent baby momma get another shitty VH1 show.

Oh, as well, I will wager that I watch more Bullets (oops, David Stern says we should just forget that whole gun thingy-ma-who) Washington games this season because I actually can cheer for a couple guys on that team. The only Nuggo I really like this year is Al Harrington, because he gets BUCKETS! 

(This is a lie, I like Bird and Lawson as well, and I tolerate Chauncey. Everyone else, you are on notice. Remember, my season preview is coming up. I'll put you bitches on blast!)

I leave you with some lovely musica courtesy of @blackprez






"Black and purple, but we rock the orange too, with the navy blue, and the powder too, gold on the side, you know how we do, and I rep my school, C-S-U"
-Sack

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 2, Episode 9

Following the double-penetration of Jersey Shore a couple weeks ago and the looming Snooki-Angelina battle ("Somebody hold me earrings"), I expect this to be a rather uneventful week in the Miami household.

But you never know, this could be the week Brandon Marshall drops by to slap bitches (I'm really hoping for this as a dramatic season finale).

Our last vague memories of the Guidskis was of a very sad and forlorn Vinny. He was stood up by the girl of his dreams, who he was sure he would be his soulmate and he was totally gonna introduce to his mommy and they would live happily ever after in their house made of pasta with his 87 creepy uncles that just want him to bang strange trim. So sad.

-Ronnie comes with his best romantic overtures, trying to re-gift the flowers that Vinny bought for his Dreamlover to Sammy. Shockingly, Sam is not thrilled that her flowers are covered with "(Ron's) children, Mike children and Snooki juice."

No wonder Chivalry is dead, bitches turning their noses up at sperm Roses.

-"I'm the woman, so I pick and choose when we have sex." -Angelina. Ben Rothlisberger strongly disagrees with this opinion.

Angie also apparently would rather be labeled a whore and say she smushed two guys in two nights (or, as Kappas call it, Thursday) rather than be called a prude. Logical.

-"I don't want to turn her into a stalker, which I have a tendency to do." -Pauly D. No, Pauly, you have a tendency to hook up with lonely, damaged women, some of whom have a tendency to act like themselves (aka crazy stalker biatches).

-The first thing douchey T-Aw-Me from Bawstawn does is snoop through J-Woww's phone book. Trust issues?

Don't worry, the couple quickly has a rational discussion about trust and the dangers of prying into other's personal space and decides that they will be more open in the future so these kind of outbursts are a thing of the past.

Haha, no that would be disgusting. Tawwmmy just sticks a booger in J-Woww's mouth (Rothlisberger would have stuck something else in there). [Two Rapelisberger jokes already, I'm on a roll]

-Cucha? Cooka? Cooocha? Whatever word that Snooks is using for her vagina is pretty awesome. Plus the fact the she once almost broke her vagina bone on Vinny's dick is classic (I know she says bicycle as she hit a house, but both of those are clearly euphemisms for Vinny's dick).

-"IIIIIITTTTTT'SSSSs TTTT-SHIRRRRTTTT TIIIIMMMME!"  (Repeat x100)... "CAB"S HERE!"

-"You're so hot." -Mike. "Thanks, I'm a model." -Random not-model.
If you have to say it, you aren't. I am tall, I don't tell people I'm tall. Just saying.

-"You ever had that feeling, where you are having the worst time and want to kill everyone?" -Random tool/douche/taint/Cuban.
"Yeah, right now." -Snookers.

-Blacked out Snooks creepy crawls into J-Woww and Tommy's smash-session like a grommet. She really is pretty amazing. Just TV fucking gold.

BTW, every time a couple of people fight in this show, they later hook-up (Ron+Sam, Vin+Angie, J-Woww+Tom. I sense a trend.)

-Does Jackass really need to be in 3D? It's like that testicle attached to a rocket is gonna explode right in my face. Can't wait.

(In reality, I will support this solely because I know that Bam, Johnny and Steve's coke funds have got to be pretty low right now, and they were pretty vital to my teenage developement. How else would I have survived in the dale without shopping cart crashes and throwing pool balls at my friend's balls).

-Pauly D should create more "excitement" in the Ron and Sam relationship. I would suggest writing a note about what Ron did and hiding it in Sam's bed.

-"I know that every month (Girls) have a situation." -Mike, unwittingly calling himself a bloody menstrual cramp. Can't really describe him in more flattering terms.

-Mike puts the bloody "Situation" in Angie's bed. She finds it, laughs it off. Upset he is still unable to truly piss her off, Mike decides to call her out in front of her new friend about being a whore. Apparently this crossed the line, now Angelina is pissed.

Next week: Mike and Angelina bang. Also, Snooki and Angelina fight. I am willing to assume they then bang.

Weekend Sack-Up: LA=Doyers, Puzies & Dead Hookers

I went to LA this weekend to watch the Rocks play the Doyers. I anticipated a great game, as Ubaldo was pitching and I would be meeting up with several friends to watch the game. I also figured I might have some fun following the game and the next day. The trip didn't disappoint:

-Usually I try to time my trips up to LA in the wee early morning hours (like 2-4 AM). Sadly, on this occasion I had to leave at 2PM. Not terrible, but I determined that taking road sodas would be a bad idea (no Braylon Edwards).

-I met up with my boy Jon at his work. He lets me know that he bought 15 tickets for the game that night and we have a place to stay down in Hollywood to party following the game.

He is one of the few people that I will concede is a bigger asshole than I, which is really saying something. If I am the second (or possibly third during this trip) biggest asshole of a group we are in for a delightfully frightful time.

-It takes us about an hour and a half to go from Jon's work to our pregaming spot, including a way too long pitstop for beer at the world's slowest grocery store. Fortunetly I am able to begin drinking cold, watery Coors Light. Gotta taste the Rockies before seeing the Rocks.

-We arrive at our pregaming location and slowly but surely all 20-ish people stream into a the 2-bedroom apartment. It becomes pretty clear everyone who was promised a place to stay will not be able to fit. (Foreshadowing). I don't care, because I am about 5 beers deep and set for blackout-ville.

-The hosts have alphabet letters on their fridge (and a CU magnet, so fuck them) so we spell out "Doyers & Puzies." These are the goals for the night

-At about 6:45 we begin driving to Dodger Stadium. It is 4.5 miles away and my GPS says it should take about 7 minutes to arrive. Gametime is at 7. All right.

Except this is LA, so it takes about an hour to go the 4.5 miles. What a lovely city, who doesn't want to live here? (And why can't they put in some sort of mass transit? Why does everyone just concede that traffic has to be horrible?)

-During the entire time driving everyone in the car (except the Azn, the only girl, ironically) has to take a piss. As soon as the car parked, LA saw it's first significant moisture in months. A lack of bladder control became another trend for this trip.

-The Rocks are up 2-1, as Tulo yakked another one. I am pissed that I missed this, but generally confused why Ubaldo has given up a run. As I wait to get my two beers, the Doyers score again. This is not going according to plan.

-We get to our seats and are literally the only Rockies fans in our section. We are also, by far, the most vocal group of fans in the stadium. One would think this is a recipe for disaster, but fortunately LA fans are so downtrodden they really don't give a shit.

-At some point I trade my (pink) sunglasses and blue Rocks hat to R Kelly, one of the girls in the group, for her fedora. I think this is the oldest flirting trick in the book.

Everytime I pass someone the rest of the night I tip my hat. Gotta keep it classy.

-As the Rockies lead 7-4 in the 7th & 8th inning, the Doyer fans start chanting "Rockies suck." Which leads us to respond "19 games back." It is actually only like 10 games, but a little hyperbole is necessary to reach these douchers.

-The Rocks hold on after Huston Street makes is interesting, letting me walk out of Doyer Stadium with pride (and no stab wounds). My record at Rockies games for the season at .500.

-Our plan is to hit up Hollywood, but our ex-hosts decide that they no longer want to host anyone. Which kind of blows.

I don't really blame them, as I wouldn't want to host about 15 drunkards. But to freeze us out at 12:30 is kinda fucked up.

It is now like 12:30, so half the group heads back to the beaches where they live, but there won't be any time to party. About 7 of us stay behind, determined to do the Hollywood thing.

-In an effort to make room for one of our group to park his jeep, Jon, The Naked Black Man and I literally pick up a Carolla and move it. Then we might have accidentally ripped off the bumper a little. LOOK AT THAT STRENGTH! (That is why cars shouldn't be made of plastic, Toyota.)

-We take a cab straight to Hollywood and Vine, deciding to go to the first place that doesn't have a line. We settle on a place called Dublin Square. It is feaux-Irish and has relatively cheap drinks, so everyone is happy. We do our best to get as much drinking done in the next hour as possible.

-It is suddenly 1:30 and we have lost the seventh member of our group, who apparently likes to ghost himself home without telling anyone. I'm not too concerned, because the ratio just to 3 girls and 3 guys after starting the night at like 14-6.

-As we are kicked out of the bar, someone grabs me and yells "What the fuck?" or something inherently similar. Turns out, it is The Actor, my ex-hallmate and prominent X-Games enthusiast. Yup, out of 13 million people who reside in LA (and not counting the millions of illegals/weekend visitors), I run into him.

We catch up real quick, while getting hassled by bouncers (bouncers are so gay) to leave. In case anyone is interested, he is doing fast-food commercials and appears to have the beginnings of an entourage (one of them told me "That happens a lot, you get used to it," when The Actor stopped to talk to a girl. Good to know. None of my friends ever talk to girls).

-We catch a cab, force it to make a detour to a liquor store for a bottle of vodka, before taking us to the closest hotel. We end up at the Dunne's Inn or something, a place that I am sure is where hookers go to die. The giant, full-length mirror by the bed really gives the place some atmosphere.

-We take pulls of vodka into the wee hours of the morning until everything becomes blurry and no one really recalls what happened. I am awakened at some random time by R Kelly, the girl next to me, alerting me that she just got peed on. I am dry, but the Naked Black Man is soaked. Apparently this is a reoccurring problem for him.

There is only one option in this case, as her and I now have to sleep on the floor of the Dead-Hooker Hotel.

-We wake up the next morning to Naked Black Man wrapped in just a towel, after showering off and planning on taking his clothes to a laundromat. He is also asking if anyone can loan him some clothes.

We begin pulling shots, but after one I have to retire. The footlong Subway and burrito that I ate at 2:30AM are not settling too well. We have a long talk about sex, love and why most girls can't have orgasms from dick alone, all while the naked black man struts around in a towel, or less, for far too long.

At one point one of the girls catches a long glimpse of his man-region and determines that she "...just saw the whole thing- it looks like Africa."

-At about noon the front desk calls to demand that we leave. Jon asks the attendant "About how many hookers come here?"

The response, "Too many."

-We finally catch a cab, with a very confused and dickish driver. He refuses to turn on the AC, refuses to speak any English and to even understand where we are going. It doesn't help that Jon is in a pissed off mood and mocking him at every turn, while Naked Black Man is in the front seat making awkward conversation.

Eventually though, the driver loosens up and begins yelling that Naked Black Man is asian, because he has slanty eyes and glasses. Or something. They actually begin polling random people on the street. Like a racist version of cash cab.

-We finally get back to our ex-hosts place (one of the girls we were with was the sister of a host, making everything especially awkward, since he had booted her and friends the previous night). As the girls pack up there stuff, Jon and I stay out the ex-hosts way.

Naked Black Man, not so much. Wearing just a pair of athletic shorts that left nothing to the imagination, he plops down on the couch next to them and tries to strike up a conversation.

On the uncomfortable scale, I have to think that waking up for a late brunch and some football on a Saturday, only to be joined randomly by a naked black man has to be up there.

-The only thing that could really up the awkwardness? Jon picking up a copy of "The Vagina Monologues" and reciting poetry about his "angry vagina."

-We finally escaped, I got back to my car and drove home to San Diego. A 24 hour trip to LA that seemed to take weeks.

I capped the weekend with another taxi cab ride that featured a story of bean-burrito salad-tossing (Never ask taxi drivers for their craziest story, it is always super disturbing) and free tickets to see the "Last Comic Standing Tour."

Yeah, it was pretty damn eventful weekend.

Also; CSU finally scored a touchdown, the Broncos looked pretty good and the Rocks blew a golden chance.

Pregaming Analysis: Los Doyers

I am aware that I usually do these pregaming analysis-es for the team that CSU is playing, but I really can't muster half a shit about Miami of Ohio. I mean, if this was Miami of Flo-Rida I would have a billion jokes, but all I know about Miami-Oh-Miami is that the sorostitutes there have poopy, pukey parties and that Rapey McRapelisberger attended (and a few of my cousins, unrelated to both previous points, I hope).

Onto the Broncos, who gives a fuckstain about Seattle. We used to be their rival, but all they ever did was get beat by John Elway. Now they are coached by Pete Carroll and sadly unable to participate in the postseason because of Reggie Bush (or something).

But this weekend I am more focused on baseball, as tomorrow I will be taking my happy ass up to LA to watch my Rockies beat up on the bitch ass Dodgers.

I really dislike Dodgers fans, mostly because they are also Lakers fans (they are also mostly Mexicans, unrelated to my hatred, but they are probablyRaiders just win, baby). The last time I attended a game somehow Ubaldo lost 2-0. Then some Dodger fan told me to "Enjoy my drive back to Colorado." That would be a long commute, all the way back to CO, but probably quicker than taking the 405 from Long Beach to Westwood /LA traffic humor.

You know what really sucks about the Dodgers? They don't allow tailgating. Last time there Samolemole almost got an Public Intox ticket. Fortunately, his arguement "I'm from Colorado, we drink in parking lots," worked, but to play it safe I will just probably pull an Always Sunny and drink wine in a Coke can or beer in a water bottle.



To summarize, the Rocks are TULO Git 2 Quit.

Rocktober is on the horizon.

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 2, Episode 7 & 8 (Double Wrap that Shiz)

I took a week off from my bloguamole of Jersey Shore, because I knew that episode six would be fucking boring. Seriously, this was the final paragraph of my last Shore post.

Oh, wait. That is what should happen. Instead, Ron and Sam will fight. And the Situation will spit really contrived catchphrases. At least the J-Woww-Sammy rumble should take place, but if I know MTV (and I do), that will be at the DRAMATIC CONCLUSION of the episode.

Also, there was football to watch. Since CSU has given up on football, I am back to blogging about the Shore. PLUS, there were TWO fucking episodes this week and I had no idea. Look how out of the loop I was (and fortunate for my DVR).

We pick up this week with Ron and Sam back together, Sammy pissed at the girls for writing the note telling her Ron was cheating on her and Vinny pissed at Angelina for being born. Let the good times roll after the jump.

Weekend Sack-Up: Big Ball of Fuckness AND GOLDENTHONGROIDS

Thank God for the Rocks. If it wasn't for them I'd have hung myself six times this weekend. Because everything else was SHIT. SHIT SHIT SHIT.

CSU: I was so excited for college football all summer long, reading every article and stoked to see the Rams get after it. I planned it so that I have most Saturdays off, in a concerted effort to watch the Rams (and of course, other CFB games), I am traveling to Colorado for the TCU game and will help organize a tailgate for the SDSU game. So pumped on CSU football.

Until this fucking shit. I'm not sure I will even tune in to any future CSU games, even if I am drunk in the parking lot 100 yards away. I think Cherry Creek would kick our ass right now.

I know we are young. I know we lack size and talent on the lines and experience at key skill positions. Still, I would expect some fight, some creativity, some passion. Something.

Instead, we got nothing.

I'm hoping that things will change. That we are limiting our playbook in an attempt to ease the transition for these youngsters. That as the season progresses our playbook will increase, our confidence will surge and this collection of people on the field will begin to look like a team. And maybe, just maybe, that team can play with a passion and fight that will make me proud to be a CSU Ram, but it is hard to see right now.

While we didn't look as anemic in 2008, remember we started that year with a 20 point loss to CU, barely beat a middle-of-the-pack Big Sky team in Sac St., before stealing games against Houston and UNLV. And that was with a senior laden team that was clearly more talented. That team progressed, and I feel that this team has nowhere to go but up. I have got to beleive that the Belly of the Whale is a 45-point blow out to Nevada.

I am fully expecting to see a different CSU team vs. Miami (shitty version) on Saturday, even if the game isn't televised. We might even score a touchdown.

Or, at the very least I hope the University leaders are betting our endowment against the Rams, as there probably isn't a safer investment in the world.

(Also, glad I'm not working for CSU Media Relations right now, this would be a tough sell).


Broncos: I predicted the Broncos would lose 52-5, just following suit of our other Colorado football teams. So I should take a 7-point loss in stride.

We always lose in Florida, and really the Broncos were just one or two inches from tying this game on Bradon Lloyd's catch in the 4th.

Much like the end of last season, however, the Broncos couldn't run and couldn't get big stops on defense. That worries me.

No pictures this week, because I didn't even get to watch the game.

P.S. How could Tim Tebow lose his first NFL game? Does not compute.


Rockies: This is just amazing. In the last week every day has been a thrill-ride, watching the Rockies roll and watching the Padres choke. And I'm not giving them the Heimlich, I'm just watching their fans (all 15 of them) die in front of me. Great fun.

How many more ways can this team win? This season we have had a 9-run comeback, 8-run comeback, 5-0 comeback capped by a steal of home and it appears that Giambino got his gold thong back (or his August roids cycle is finally paying off). Even when Tulo and Cargo go cold, someone else plays the hero roll. I'm not sure I would bat an eye if Jeff Francis hits a walk-off tomorrow, shit is just that surreal.

So much fun to watch. And really, all I have right now.

Thanks for keeping me alive, Rockies.

Bonus: Since this was kinda lacking in my usual snark and/or humor, here are 5 new songs that everyone should enjoy. Also, how they loosely relate to sports or something.

-Wiz Khalifa: Black and Yellow. A nod to the colors that represent Pittsburgh. Pretty damn cool. Pittsburgh still blows, but I love the fact that the color scheme permeates all sports.

-Pimp C: Since The 90s. "While you still trying to get it, since the 90s I been rich, pussy (ginger)." Like Pimp C, CSU football was badass in the 90s and is now dead. RIP. We need to act like the Rockies and become Zombies that come back from the dead and refuse to lose.

-Lil' Wayne and Drake: Right Above It. "You know you at the top when heaven's right above it." Pretty much where the Rockies are right now.

-Cee-Lo- Fuck You. I dedicate this to BYU and Utah, for leaving the MWC for more money.

-Shawty Lo: Atlanta, GA (ft. the Dream, Luda & Gucci Mane)- I just really like this song.

Broncos Preview & I May Have Overreacted to the CU Loss

It has been a rough week. After losing that abortion of a game I kinda blacked out (due to the alcohol and the anger) and woke up in Colorado 17 hours later holding an empty gas can and empty box of matches.

For this, I would like to apologize to the municipality of Boulder. Things got a little out of hand and boy are your mountains dry. Maybe you hippie/yuppie fucks should stop building houses in the middle of the forest (or, just blame Global Warming. Which I totally believe in, but this fire wasn't caused by global warming, it was caused by urban sprawl). Anyway, sorry bout the 135+ houses, BUT YOU MADE ME DO THIS!!

Yeah, CSU sucked some world class dick last weekend. The only bright side is we were really young in really important positions. Also, CU maybe isn't as terrible as we thought (Hopefully this is true). Now we take on the Pistol packing fudgepack from Reno 9-1-1.

They feature uber-quarterback Colin Kapernick and a very good offense. Our defense is meh. Their defense kinda blows, our offense is an insult to anemic. If I were a betting man I'd take Nevada and the points. I'm not, I'm a fan, so I'll be getting drunk at Kristy's MVP Sports Bar with my 12 CSU friends and seeing if the bartenders yell at us for tailgating in the parking lot (During the CSU game we had about 60 Ram fans show up, but I'm willing to wager the turnout is a bit more tame this week). I don't think we will win, and if we score a touchdown I'll buy everyone a shot (I think I'm safe).

Onto the Broncos:

I could do an in-depth preview like my Nuggies preview of last year, but the NFL is so overdone that there isn't anything I can really add. Still, I owe you a quick preview, so here goes:

-Tebow x 1000.
-Doom hurt OH NOES SEASON IS OVER!!!!
-Orton not blacked out, able to differentiate jerseys this season. Last season he could only see Brandon Marshall due to B-Marsh's magnificent, glowing pimp hand.

-You can just call Eric Decker "Eddy McCaffery." (Unless he plays like Kircus).

Not Ed McCaffery...yet.

-Brian Dawkins, still insane, still good. One more year till he is Lynchian.
-Knowshon "The Situation" Moreno is hurt. Still. Or is it always?
-All our RBs are dead.
-Tebow x10000000000000
-Rex Ryan's swearing is loveable. Josh McDaniel's swearing is dickish. The difference, Sexy Rexy wins. Get it, Josh.
-Champ Bailey is still really, really good.
-People are picking the Chiefs and Raiders over us. Seriously, it has come to this. Kiss my motherfucking ass, people. Read that sentence. Then digest. We may be injured, but really, the Raiders. You are aware they are the Raiders, right?
-Jabar Gaffney is gonna be fantasy gold.
-I will attend the Nov. game against the Chargers here in San Diego. I will wear my trademarked "Omar Little Shank-Proof Yellow Page Vest."
-Denver will make the playoffs. We will lose in the Wild Card round to the goddamn Colts.

Fuck Marmalard,

Sack