THIS WEEK'S PREGAMING ANALYSIS WILL BE LIVE. BECAUSE I'LL BE THERE, BATCHES.
I will try to take pictures and remember a few things. Odds are not good that I will do any memorizing. Lots of drinking, heckling and shotgunning with D-Stutz. Why did I give him a gay nickname? I'm that FUCKING STOKED. WOOOOO!
Since I mailed this in worse than Simmons during his NBA book tour, I will offer you something stupid that I wrote for a class about Vegas. And I promise to be a more productive blogger (oxymoron?) next week. This is really what I learned in college, when you are unprepared, just reuse and disguise a previous assignment. Glad the journalism degree is paying off. But when you have a football team that starts out great and then shits the bed in the second half, you are less inspired to write about them, ya dig?
The Poor Man’s Guide to Beating Vegas
The first time I went to Vegas, my head was filled with images from MTV and Entertainment Television of grandeur, easy money, and especially easy girls. I had heard all the war stories from older co-workers, but I quickly found something out in my one night stop; I didn’t have enough money to party at the Palms, and the money I did have evaporated astonishingly quickly.
That lesson didn’t stop me from planning another trip to Vegas, and this time I swore I would teach the city a lesson. It would be tough, because despite Vegas’ claims that there are no rules, there is one vital law that governs the city; that the house always wins. Still, I had a few crafty tricks up my sleeve to make sure I won, or at least felt like it.
The key was to set out an amount I would be safe to lose ($500) and get lost in the cradle of debauchery. I decided I would milk my money for all it was worth, and play it as safe as possible in the casinos, all the while trying to see if I could set a Guinness Record for inebriation. If I came out with my liver functioning at 50% of normal and any cash, well I just hit the damn jackpot.
Lodging: Go cheap, you just sleep there
Instead of planning ahead and getting a good deal early, I waited and decided to make the reservations just a week before. Fortunately, we had the amazing fortune of hitting Vegas the same weekend as a NASCAR race, so clearly the town was packed. As a result, my traveling crew and I were stuck with no choice, going with the cheapest hotel near the strip, the Wild West Gambling Hall, which I feel was the leisure suit of hotels; probably awesome in the 70s, now just disgusting and downright weird. All their signage was for $3.99 buffets and penny slots (classy). Our room was about $100 a night for king size bed, which we split 3 ways (hint #1: Air Mattresses kick ass, especially if you have a smaller, less alcohol-tolerant friend to “volunteer” to sleep there).
There are some dangers to the Wild West, namely the surroundings. To survive, just park your car as close to the bicycle-riding security shack, and hope the door to your room locks, because I have heard getting stabbed sucks.
Since the Wild West is across I-15 from the strip, you have about a 10 minute walk across a fairly dark overpass before you hit the well lit Excalibur. Stay in packs and grab a 40oz. bottle or road sign to swing at muggers. You should be fine though.
Also, don’t try to buy drugs from anyone, especially anyone who shouts at you from below the overpass.
Food: Get in, get out
The Wild West’s sole redeeming factor was that it happened to sit just 100 feet from God’s own fast-food restaurant, Inn-N-Out Burger. And even this wasn’t the best news. Your stomach is upset enough while on a three-day bender, but piling at least two juicy burgers and some fries away daily is like mixing milk with lemon juice (Hint #2: Start taking pills that clog your system before you even leave for Vegas. You’ll thank me on day three when one of your friends comes down with something that makes Montezuma’s Revenge look like peachy). If the $7 price tag on a In-N-Out meal is too pricey, hit up the $3.48 burger, fries, and a 32 oz beer anytime inside the Wild West.
Transportation:
Your feet. Don’t bother driving, as traffic is terrible. Plus, you’ll probably be drinking. Taxi rides only work if you have a large group, and you don’t want to let Vegas get any of your hard earned money just because you are lazy.
Entertainment and Exercise: Keystone and Strippers
The first rule that I discovered in Vegas was that any foray towards the strip must begin with a stop at your local 7-11, for a trusty 30 rack of Key Light ($12.99) or 12 pack of Key Ice ($5.99). There is no better way to start off the morning, or late afternoon, or whenever with a beer, because this is Vegas after all, and it doesn’t close (hint 3: There is no such thing as an open-container law in Vegas. Unless you the driver of the car. Since there is no point driving, grab a beer and start drinking. Repeat as necessary).
Fancy casino pit bosses, and the other clowns who try to tell you what to do, frown upon your beer in their casinos, as they want to feed you overpriced drinks or make you fork over money at their tables in exchange for free drinks. Remind them it is Vegas, and there are no goddamn rules. Additionally, tell them you were taking your case up to your room, but you were so distracted by the blinking lights that you forgot exactly what is going on. Both parties will know this is a lie, as there is no way you could afford a room at New York , New York
A free and very necessary part of any trip to Vegas isn’t complete without an all-day excursion down the strip. Just grab your case of beer and start walking (hint #9: Bring a camera to record your fuzzy memories). There are thousands of interesting people to talk to, and most will be in love with the fact that you have beer. And once you get a little tipsy, everything becomes entertaining. Instead of being bothered by the little guys slapping stripper advertisements into your palm as you pass, embrace them. Play games with the nudie cards, like last one to get 50 has to shotgun a beer, or a bastardized form of war (the less strategically placed stars, the better the card). Then, try to give the cards back to the next round of guys. Trust me; this can entertain you for hours.
Once that bores you, choose a random accent and create a new persona for yourself. I prefer to be Jeffery Jones, a transplanted Texan who just finished up a distinguished basketball career at Texas A&M. Why do I do this? Because there are a lot of Texans in Vegas, and they will buy you drinks. (Hint #10: For more free drinks, go to Toby Keith’s ‘I Love This Bar.’ Tell them that ‘you love this bar.’ Get a free drink. Repeat until they cut you off).
Gambling:
When you get in the mood to gamble, avoid every game that looks fun and moves quickly, unless you are really smart, rich, or dumb (likely the latter). Also, get the hell out of the really fancy casino, and head to one of the casinos you thought were cool when you were 12, i.e. Treasure Island, Circus Circus, or anywhere with $10 or less blackjack (hint #5: If you see a middle aged, portly dealer named George at Treasure Island, run the fuck away. The man may seem harmless, but he is pure evil. The same goes for any dealer who refuses to use a simple American version of their name. They are trained assassins who will destroy your wallet).
Drink Red Bull/vodka’s often, and don’t be afraid to cause a scene getting the waitress’ attention. Don’t worry, they are free (hint #6: lead the waitress on with promise of tips of more than a $1 chip when you win, so when you lose you won’t feel bad for being stingy). Try to form alliances with everyone else at the table, and split two face cards, double down when asked, and don’t be afraid to get advice from the old guy to your right (because old people are smart, and likely sober). Tip the dealer when you go on a hot streak, curse their mother’s aunt when you lose (hint #7: try to do this just loud enough to make the old guy laugh, but soft enough the dealer can’t hear you). If you get a crew of people on a trip from Oklahoma
You should probably also read a book about blackjack or something before you visit, but instead I just pretend it is a game of Fuck the Dealer, where everyone wins because you get drunk, but this game has a bonus where you might win money (hint #8: never sit at a table and lose more than $50. If you hit a bad streak, get up and leave that table, and probably that casino)
Nightclubs:
Pure, Studio 54, whatever. All the same and all overpriced. Avoid them unless you want to spend a lot of money on drinks to get girls to dance with you. If this is what you came to Vegas for, it is well known there are easier and more efficient avenues for you to take to be satisfied (not that I recommend these avenues, especially on a fixed budget).
Outcome: Rock Bottom
In the wee hours of my final night, I was actually up an estimated $37 for the night after five furious hours at Treasure Island (and therefore up a lot due to the Red Bull/Vodkas), when it all came crashing down. George the dealer tsumnamied my chips with a few crushing five-card 21s, and a desperate grasp at learning roulette exacerbated the situation. The next morning after checkout, still a little tipsy, my wallet was quickly emptied as I tried to force some last minute winnings. In just a span of hours I went from having a phenomenal trip, into a terrible trip. Though I promised myself that I wouldn’t care if I lost or spent all of my money, I was upset. Victory had slipped through my fingers at the buzzer. I wanted a quick shot at redemption but I never got a chance to dip past my limit, as my friends forcibly removed me from my perch at the table (hint #11: Hide your credit card. In fact, don’t even bring it or have a friend cut in half before leaving).
I guess it was impossible to beat the house, no matter what you tried. You can just tie.
But a week later, when doing laundry at home, an unexpected surprise fell out of a pair of dirty jeans. A crumpled 20 dollar bill, and a few assorted singles. I was ecstatic. I rifled through all my clothes from the trip, and few more turned up. And some spare change. Grand total: $27.83.
The Scoreboard: Vegas: $472.17 Me: $27.83
Adjusted Winnings vs. Prediction of $500 loss: $527.83
Moral: I totally won.
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