I get a lot of jokes made/questions asked about my nocturnal patterns (Leonard has dubbed me a vampire). People don't really get why I will stay up past the sunrise doing nonsense instead of dropping off to sleep like a normal person. Obviously my hours bouncing throw me off, but even before I always stayed up way too late, even if I had a dreaded morning class or work in the AM.
Partly it is my biological clock, but mostly it is the fact that I can't shut my brain down at night to fall asleep. Insomnia is kind of a bitch, but to put it in perspective here is a list of things I remember consciously thinking about two nights (mornings?) ago before I could fall asleep (this is just a partial list). Keep in mind I was dead sober for this, so imagine what thoughts run through my head when on any mind-expanding drug, and you can see why I avoid them:
-I start by thinking about Mad Men, which I just watched, and if I would be a cheating asshole like Don Draper, especially if I had that much random ass thrown at me.
-I start panicking about how I am wasting my life by working as a bouncer and staying up so late. I wonder if I would ever find a job I truly enjoy that actually pays. One that isn't NFL wide receiver, which I appear to have missed.
-I start thinking about my plans for the next day, what I have to do, what I want to get done. I get frustrated that every minute without falling asleep means another minute wasted the next day, but I know I can't rush the process.
-I realize I am only 24 and I have six years until I am 30 and really have to make something of myself. I look at how much I have changed in the last six years and realize I have a lot of growth ahead. I laugh at how stupid and awkward I used to be, especially since I am still awkward and stupid.
-I hear my roommate get up for work and I wonder if I could physically do labor at this time in the morning, day after day.
-I think about religion, and what my beliefs were. I thought so long about this I was able to basically come up with a new mission statement: "With all the horrible things carried out in the name of organized religion I find it impossible to follow one and I feel that any sort of rational God would see the enlightenment of a person choosing to live by their own personal moral compass rather than any religion created and moderated by anyone else."
-I begin thinking about death, and what it means and what will happen. I have been asking this question as long as I can remember, fearing the unknown. I literally have to force myself to think about something else or I become enveloped in fear.
-I start thinking about why the Broncos are playing like shit. I get angry at Chrissy Simms (Sports is my escape).
-I decide that I will mock the Chargers fans at work this week, as I can't go into this weekend's game lying down.
-I try to focus on nothing. I clear my mind completely. I see dark holes that come and swallow me up. I cannot physically move, when I try, but I am still somehow awake, aware that I am awake and not sleeping. My eyes twitch involuntarily and my body seems disconnected, yet I still am not asleep.
-A dog barks and I blink, shocking myself back into actual thoughts and anger that I am awake. I wonder if I will ever get to sleep. I imagine the possibility of never sleeping again and I roll over, readjusting my pillows.
-I wonder what is real and if I am maybe always asleep. I realize this is just stupid.
-I try to think about how upset I feel in the morning, as soon as my alarm goes, and I try to recapture that sleepy feeling that makes me hit the snooze button 6 times.
-A few minutes later, I believe, I actually fall asleep. I don't remember what I was thinking about then.
The moral of the story is that no one should wonder anymore why I spend so much time jotting down thoughts on my blog or doing stupid shit til all hours of the morning. I have to clear my mind and really feel dead tired to fall asleep in less than 30 minutes. Any thought unexplored that pops up or that I feel is important I have to sort out, or else it will drive me mad all night. Especially any guilt, fear or nervousness. I could drink until I pass out or take some sleeping medication but I refuse to do so on a consistent basis.
Entering my mind is kind of scary, right?
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