Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Things That Might Have Happened At A Bonedale Bachelor Party

So the old, old, old roommates (that I lived with in SD) are getting married in about a week, so this past weekend was a lovely excuse for everyone to gather to celebrate the death of Hacksaw's singledom.

In true 'Dale fashion, we proceeded to drank a ton and then drank some more.  The following are a few things that probably happened, though legally it is possible none of this happened at all (and it is in no way all encompassing, it only reflects what I may have witnessed and remember):

-While killing a couple of six-packs of exotic beer (read; bitch beer) on the way over the passes, the Bachelor may have commanded, "Hey, Raz me," and extended his arm for a bottle of Bacardi Raz. Beggars can't be choosers when you are halfway over Vail Pass.

-You may be shepherded around all weekend in a 15-passenger concrete van that goes "Clink-clink-clink-clunk-clunk" at every turn from the bottles and cans on the floor.

-The first present the Bachelor might receive will be a handle of Evan Williams Black Label. The second; a shiny new hatchet so sharp it could cut one of the groomsman's fingers. There is probably no way this could end poorly.

-The Best Man might try to start at least two different fights, just before closing time, including one at a bar that is 95% Latino (the 5% gringo: Us).

-The Bachelor and a groomsman could've participated in some "good, ole-fashioned vandalism" with the shiny, new hatchet. It is possible that the "Great Sprinkler Bandit" of 2003-06 made a dramatic reappearance.

-Everyone would probably stop drinking at around 3:30AM. The Best Man almost certainly was playing in a golf tournament at 6AM, with the Bachelor as his caddy. They would've had to wake up at 5:30 to make it, and probably would drink whiskey the whole time.

-As difficult as it is to believe, a very legit golf course might comp us our rounds and lett us go out as two five-some. While golfing, it is possible we; played bumper carts, hit drives at each other, nearly did a 180-degree spin into a ravine, had to push a cart for most of back-nine after it ran out of juice, played the final 2 holes as a eleven-some with 7 cart looking like a live version of Mario Kart, etc.

-After a disagreement over etiquette (which we clearly lacked), it is possible that the Best Man declared the bachelor party over and decided to leave. In retaliation, Nasty Nate may have had the quote of the weekend if he had said, "Where are you gonna go? You can't drive anyway," in reference to the Best Man's recent alleged DUI.

-One of the groomsman's kitchen floor might have been buttered. The culprit might have might have left the stick of butter in view ruining the end result. It was almost assuredly me.

-The floor at the party compound was thought to be buttered as well.

-The best decision after all this golfing and beer would probably be a Beer Olympics with some grilled meat before a trip to local bar.  In the middle of these Olympics, a bottle of Fireball whiskey might, at the direction of the Bachelor, be downed by the party in less that 5 minutes.

-The chauffeur enlisted to drive the 15-passenger van en route to the bar may have been a 50-year old neighbor of the best man who was talked into this task at about 12:00 AM.

-A quick pit stop for some party necessities might take longer than expected, leading the Bachelor and a few others to abandon the van and set out on foot. All but one of this Foot Troop would be recovered.

-The Bachelor and a couple friends will probably pass out in the van instead of making it to the bar. Multiple people will be found passed out in the van when it returns from the bar to the party compound.

-The Best Man's brother, who lives at the party compound, might be one of those who is discovered in the van sleeping. After being awoken, he will not walk the 100 feet home to his bedroom, but instead will inexplicably sprint away and sleep on Dave the Chauffeur's couch, a fact we did not find out until the next morning, setting off a minor manhunt.

-When the man of the house awakes at 3:30AM to depart for the Triple Bypass bike ride to find the party still going, he might be informed that his son is missing. It is doubtful he will bat an eye.

-At various points of the night, at least six people might realize that they are sans-phone and embark on a frenzied search. Yours truly will probably find his phone outside after six hours in the rain, but thanks to the Otter Box and a bag of rice, it will continue to work. One phone will likely stay missing.

-The sun did rise, and it seems likely that at least 4 of the group were still awake.

That is about it. A lot of things that might have happened. There are probably some I have forgotten, some omitted and some I wasn't privy to, but this might help jog those hazy memories.

And there is one thing I can confirm...every in attendance woke up Sunday morning with a blinding hangover.

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