NBA Sack-Up 2010-11 with the Dream Team

So Edy, Stringer Bell and I wrote this preview back in October, full of stupid predictions, miscellaneous predictions and some blind-squirrel-finding-a-nut predictions. It was fun, and so, I decided get together a dream team to recap the season in true Sackrilegious style, so I rounded up my crew of ball watchers to help. In white font, is your's truly, in red is The_Real_Pat, in blue is DJ Stringer Bell and in black bold is the new roomate aka Humetron. Edy couldn't make it because he usually just copy and pastes everything Pat says, so he really isn't needed anymore.

Enjoy, ye hooligans.

1: How awesome is DeShawn Stevenson? I expect at least 5000 words each from everyone on this topic. At least 1,000 of which must describe what you imagine his next tattoo/piercing combo will be:

Humetron: Not saying I didn't know who he was before these finals, but it was more how unnoticed he went in my eyes before June. He was more of just a side show to me during his Wiz years to me because I didn't follow them outside of Gilbert. I sorta love him now though.  It may just be ALL your (Sack's) obsession rubbing off on me but he is a funny dude.

The-Real_Pat: To measure DeShawn's "awesomeness", I think we need to define DeShawn and work backwards.  DeShawn Stevenson:  Uber tatted meathead, could start a fight with anybody at anytime (himself included), has one main specialty (defense) with a secondary specialty (the tre ball) and has beef with one of the league's "stars".  Tats, meathead, fight potential, one main trick, one backup trick, beef with star...on the awesomeness scale, I give DeShawn Stevenson 7 out of 10 Dennis Rodman's.
 

DeShawn's next tattoo will be LEBR on one ass cheek, and an N on the other...

Sack: I have already written this love letter to him, but since then he has continued rolling it on; skipping the Mavs' South Beach party because he was a family man and his wifey was preggos, getting arrested for public drunkeness (profiling), called out LeBron some more at the victory parade and explained that he got the $5 bills surrounding his Lincoln tattoo so he didn't have to explain who it was anymore. He is the gift that keeps on giving.

He is a free agent next year (NUGGETS, NUGGETS, NUGGETS), but wants to stay in Dallas. Since two of his teammates now have Larry O'Brien Trophy tattoos, I don't expect DeShawn to follow suit. I am willing to wager he goes big on the next one, stamping Tre Goggles permanently on his face.

2. Let's all mock Edy openly for calling Dallas most disappointing team? Then mock everyone for other terrible prediction (like Gilbert comeback player and Heinrich best white player. My bad).

Edy with a bad claim?  Unheard of. 

DJ Stringer Bell: We had some fucking retarded picks here, with Hinrich in the chocolate city of black holes (John Wall and Arenas) coming in as a runner-up to me and Edy jerking ourselves off to the Thunder. True they had a watershed year, but not nearly the championship contenders we talked ourselves into. Throw in the Perkins trade and we had damn near given OKC the title by the end of March when the fact of the matter was that Durant hadn’t properly barked down Westbrook into a subservient position yet (still waiting for this) and the team was still fine tuning their BIG game.

3. Then give me props for calling Dallas a darkhorse contender.

-When did Edy say that?!?!?! #dumb I am their biggest hater and it is partly because they are good and contend with the nugs on a normal basis (Ed Note: Hume and I played a drinking game based on Dirk's performance in these playoffs. If he made a shot, Hume drank, if he missed, I drank. This usually really got going in the fourth quarter, so Hume drank a looot).

You picked a team with two for sure Hall of Famers, a Puerto Rican Point God, a statistical juggernaut with a very outdated movie reference nickname (Matrix), the best right handed 6th man in the L, a guy who I'm gonna hand a title to in a few minutes, and a guy who registers a 7 on the Dennis Rodman Scale of Awesomeness...what exactly do you want props for? 

-No one picked Dallas to do shit this year, but I felt they were primed. It's easy to look now and say Dallas was good, but everyone was calling them washed up early this year (not that I predicted them to win a title, but still).

-How can anyone claim ref conspiracy when the guy who bitches the most just won a championship?

There’s a shitload of bitching and twitter timeline quoting I could do, but there just weren’t enough close games involving the preferred markets to really make a case for Stern as Geppetto. New York was disjointed, newly formed and saddled with the Nuggets shit offloads of AC, Billups and Melo. Boston was a victim of their own murdering of the Ubuntu mantra (see the 2011 The Association season). And the Lakers succumbed to the Law of more, NBA miles and had nothing left to accomplish, save Barnes. None of these teams held up for shit in the playoffs and none of them even knew how to keep a game close when the 4^th quarter came within its final 6 minutes.
The argument could be made that Lebron and the Heatles (I fucking hate that name… and the Beatles.) were a preferred champion but even they were newly formed, without playing reps, and unable to get it close enough to let the angel of Stern work his magic.

My feeling on the matter is Stern looked at these playoffs the same way we all did; All of the final 4 teams were good for the NBA and the Mavericks just had too many great storylines not to let the playoffs play out or even to embrace them. The game thrives off of polarizing, astronomically dynamic characters and both the Mav’s and the Heat had them in spades. Furthermore, the final 4 teams were each darlings in their right and any of them as champions would have been great for the league. Add in what a Dirk win did for Overseas interest in the NBA and a Mav’s win doesn’t quite seem so FU Stern (cue Stern Jew smile)

What championship did Melo win?  (Waits for applause to die down)  Stop, thank you, you're too kind. 
And nobody claims an outright ref conspiracy.  And conspiracy is the wrong word.  It's more like a nefarious consortium.  It's a large group of people who all work in conjunction to promote the interests of the league.  At the end of the day, just like anything else, it all comes down to dolla dolla bills yall.  The NBA is a business.  And any business is going to try to maximize revenue.  When the most popular teams win exciting games in long dramatic series', the NBA makes more money.  FACT.  So to say it's rigged and a big conspiracy is overkill...to say the powers that be stay completely hands off is naive.

=-Stars will always get calls.   

-Most entertaining team of the season?

Here's how this one should be answered:  When you saw on the left side of SportsCenter that Team X's highlights were coming up, who would you refuse to miss more often than not?
Clips/Heat tie.

I started off claiming a homer tie on this one between the Nuggets and the Mavs, but the truth is it was always the Mav’s. I remember watching regular season games where they held on against the Lakers and Blazers and it was evident just how much all the years together this Mavs team had, had done for their clutch performance. The team was killing it all year by making the extra pass and knowing exactly where each team member was going to be on the court. They win this award from the standpoint that they were a team in the strictest of definition of the word. They excelled all year by breaking the will of an opposing team with 3’s that shouldn’t keep going in and extended possessions where they just keep moving the ball away from defenses. Nothing will fucking kill a team more than a shot that shouldn’t keep going in or an offense that moves the ball despite ur best efforts. The Mavericks had both. Put simply, they weren’t playing Rucker ball and it showed.

You guys really missed this one, because it was clearly OKC. The Heat were more dramatic, Dallas better, but the rise of the Thunda, the Perk trade to make them legitimate contenders and then the epic Diva collapse of Russ Westbrook was fascinating theatre. Every queater of every game had this tension that it could collapse at any point, and it did. It was a psychological thriller.

-Most entertaining player this season (besides DeShawn, clearly)?

If anyone says anyone else but Blake Griffin they should be shot in the head.

BlakeTube Griffin 
Runner Up:  Derek Rose
Dead Last:  Tim Duncan's methodical ass

On the court no one was as entertaining as Blake Griffin, the dude singlehandedly re-programmed Sportscenter on a nightly basis, giving us at least 2 dunk highlights a night IN ADDITION to his top 10 contributions. Night in and night out we were treated to glimpses into otherwise shitty and irrelevant games between the Clippers and the Suns. Griffin was so amazing he made the Clippers relevant. Re-read that last sentence again. Here, I’ll help you. HE MADE THE CLIPPERS RELEVANT. No one has been able to do this in forever. The last time we even moderately cared about this team ET was running point and Chris Kaman was making a case as the last Neanderthal on the planet in what could be called the greatest freak show on earth (They still easily handled the Nuggets in the first round).
Worst yet, none of the NBA fanatical could come up with a good nickname for him. His half-white, half-black, red headed, freckled ass made this task damn near impossible. It was like trying to figure out  a cool name to call Opie if his hair grew short and wiry and routinely jumped over Aunt Bea and Dipshit Deputy Barney Fife on the regular. (My contributions in the matter: El Mulatto Magnifico and the Soaring Griffin).   
And when the season came to an end, we were still watching the Clippers who weren’t even within an 8^th seed implosion of making the playoffs. Hell, that underperforming, Iverson-esque cocksucker Baron Davis even got traded because of him. If you get someone’s lazy ass traded away from you just because management is afraid he’ll somehow find a way to make you lax and unwilling to hustle, you’re usually doing some awe-inspiring shit.  

Too bad ole Blake wasn't relevant in the playoffs. But yes, Mozgov-ing fools gets you this top spot.

-Will Dwight Howard play in Orlando next season? Chris Paul in New Orleans?

Watch for Dwight to take his talents to South Beach if not the Lakers like Shaq before him. I give it decent odds that he ends up a member of the Heat for less money.  CP3 stays because of a little word called leverage and his own refusal to be a jobber to anyone.

If they go to LA and NY like the rumor mill (You must be an Insider to finish this thought

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I think Dwight is 50/50 on staying vs. fleeing to LA. It is the only place that really makes sense for him.

-That little girl Chris Paul is already out of New Orleans.  He is going to prance around New York with that doucher melo.  I think Dwight is going to stay for some reason, unless the Magic upgrade though he is out.   

-How long before Chris Bosh is booted from Miami?

When that shemale from Baylor is allowed to play in the NBA, he should start sweating.

-If they don't win next year or start slow, Like a Bosh is scapegoat numero uno, off to Siberia aka Milwakee for Andrew Bogut.

-Who was the craziest player in the league (aka Starbury award)?

Gilbert Arenas is deeply offended that you think this is up for debate.  He's tweeting about your nappy ass shirt as we speak.

-Damn right it's Gilbert. I am going to claim this is what I meant by Comeback Player of the Year. Welcome back crazy Gil...keep on tweeting bout sharks, shoes and skanks til the Magic figuratively or literally have you whacked to get out of that contract.

I really fucking wanted to put Barnes here but he didn’t really do shit. He was pretty quiet (as Barrio Barnes standards go) and only once took it to another level when he threw an assistant coach to the ground. Worst yet, there really was no clear winner in this category. Stephen Jackson, Brandon Jennings, Delonte West, KMart and Barnes were all a little too quiet on and off the court.  

Update: DeShawn Stevenson: tell me how my drunk Dirk taste.

P.S. Now we see why Gil and DeShawn were such awesome teammates.

We are all in agreement Kevin Love was best white American? Griffin ROY? Harden best beard?

False!  I hand this title, as mentioned above in #3, to Brian "The Custodian" Cardinal.  Any argument about the Best White American should be centered around White American skill sets.  Kevin Love rebounds and scores.  Those are bro skill sets, so Kevin Love is like the 85th best bro.  BWA should be given based on hard fouls, killer screens (on or off ball), textbook box-outs, bounce passes, ball fakes, charge takes, defensive rotations, and bench enthusiasm.  Brian Cardinal is the Kobe Bryant of White Americans (complete with jewelry).

No arguments on ROY.
BDiddy's beard takes silver to Harden's face-fro.  (Coined bitches.  O/U weeks til Edy uses that phrase around Val and her friends?  I say however many weeks it takes for Val to have more than 2 of her friends around.)

Pat wasn't around for the beginning of the year and apparently didn't do research, but B. Diddy was retired from contention. Brian Cardinal had one, maybe two good games all season. Kevin Love set records. Real basketball records, not white player records.

I’ll take my victory laps around the park on the majority of these. Kevin Love dominated in this years’ Strom Thurmond/ Derrick Vinyard  category, giving us white boys some hope and Harden brought new infamy to the Moussai beard with his bearded gap-toothed post 3 screams.  

-O/U of players who get NBA trophy tatoos next season?

I feel like this HAS to be set at 0.5.  And I'll take the under.

zero, douche bag terry

2

I am saying 20.5: Every sixth man/energy guy/irrational confidence guy for a contender is gonna get one. I mean, we've already had one fucking bench guy get one that didn't do shit. They are gonna be popping up errrawhere. I assume Birdman is getting one as we spreak.

-Most intriguing plotline this offseason?

Toss up:  It's either
A.  Bulls roster changes.  They really felt like they were one or two guys away from being a championship squad.  If they can add a guy who can create his own shot and a veteran who can get buckets in tough situations, I think they immediately become a championship favorite.  Or
B.  Lockout.  Or
C.  The Shaq Sex Tape. 

Will a bunch of free-spending hoodrats with little finance knowledge and miniscule amounts of leverage and huge costs of living be able to stand up against a coalition of owners that is losing an alleged 300 million a year.  

Most hated sportswriter/commentator: Jeff Van Gundy. No onegets under my skin like his nerdy, ill-placed, matter of fact quips. He was so annoying throughout the year I actually wished hiring upon him just so that I wouldn’t have to hear his fucking dipshit poindexter ass on my TV. I‘ve got room for one pencil-necked sports intellectual and John Clayton is it with his Stewie looking ass.  

Lockout, duh.

Yeah, dumb question by me. Lockout is clearly the big story, Dwight number 2.

-Will the Heat ever win a title?

They need to upgrade at C, PF, PG, 6, 7, and 8th man, coach, PR, and towel boy.  Even if they didn't upgrade any of those things, if King Dipshit could get his head right, they could win the next 4.  Will they?  Who knows.  That guy's sucha Freudian wet dream that these next few season's could go a billion different ways.

-yep, that team can only get better. I mean jowhatver anthony and juan howard as post players??!?! some big lanky freak will sign with the heat.

Yes, pending a solid PF/C  acquisition in the offseason .

They were argueably two shots away from it this year. I will bet my house on it next year (fact: I don't own a house, so thanks Tejouis for the collateral).

-Most hated player (I expect Russ Westbrook to get some love here)

Ask me about this a year ago and I put Kobe here. Ask me today and its Westbrook. No one consistently just pissed me off quite like his Antz/ Jurassic ass (Co-writer credits to Edy and Manchester there). I found myself likening his and Durants demeanor to the Good Son of the family that finds out he sucks at sports. He just kept having that whiny, I deserve to win and all these people are just hating against me look to him. A year ago I would have never said that especially after how much heart we saw him show against the Lakers, but this year he bought into the hype and really started believing he was better than everyone else (including Durant). Kobe had this same sort of bratty transformation, call it an NBA rite of passage but fuck this little-big headed prick for real.

As long as Sasha Vuji-bitch is in the league...

too many to count but right now it has to be serge i pound my chest ibaka. God he is annoying as all hell with his numerous facial expressions, fist pumps, and o yes that DK chest pound. 

-How's my Dirk taste, BRON. Even though he has almost been ridden to death, fuck that motherfucker.

Anything else you find important/want to include.

"I'd like to thank the Man Upstairs for my thoughts and input here today.  Without his inspiration, I wouldn't be here.  All glory to Him."--Trev, if he lived in my basement.

-F the Mavs...focker outttttttt

Bonus: A DJ Stringer Bell Lookalikes Section: 
Derrick Rose/OddJob,

http://cdn2.windows7news.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/oddjob.jpg
http://cache2.allpostersimages.com/p/LRG/35/3592/GPU2F00Z/posters/derrick-rose-1-pick-2008-nba-draft.jpg
http://www.guesswhosback.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/06/26a1a.jpeg

Tom Thibodeau/ Devil from Constantine
http://www.dvdbeaver.com/film2/DVDReviews42/constantine%20blu-ray/large/large%20constantine%20blu-ray11.jpg
https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDKXk0j9Hp0VCUk04bRdNzkcoqFgUBCV9zFuKtd_xCyIeJ95Hal3HKbl3JJeTg6h6Go0_6hA6y4EmMnaaFAgYIDaYVnBsGaSBeWnldbJr3jyCdUbdeXPcjsUnGZ8Pc_w6kFQbCIBZSHLM/s1600/Tom+Thibodeau+NBA+Coach.jpg

Russell Westbrook and Gon from Tekken and Gook Cartoons
http://i11.ebayimg.com/07/i/000/99/dc/423a_2.JPG

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYnQTyuyL75WkjjOvvEMI4oebT7LpdSN8_qxLORPBXAfBHaTcNSwMjgJMuC7Ss7U66FxD4YvZb2RYyFW_v9gvYn036WOPTkOXfKAiUz5dEHZwSraeZoUAGpIHpF79NzNCR1OF74DerzbM/s1600/russell_westbrook_01.jpg

The Weekend Sack-Up: See, winning is better

Forgive me, it has been almost a week without me posting my hilarious pictures and rants (you didn't even notice. Well fuck you, buddy).

It was a big week around the Colorado sports scene, as pretty much everything went well. The only big loss was CSU basketball at UNC, but the Tar Heels are number one in that nation (What's that, Northern Colorado? I refuse to acknowledge such a crazy claim).

Broncos:
Two concerns: 1) Was Bumbles Orton spiking his Gatorade with Jack? Because he was fumblin' and bumblin' like a Keith Jackson wet dream.
2) If KC got some WR open on busted coverages, how open will Piere-Marc-Andre Fluery-Garcon be next week (so help me Joseph Smith's Norwegian Jesus if Austin "Lassie" Collie catches a TD).

Fortunately the Broncos were saved from some embarrassing scores by one man today:

-Everybody remembers that kid from Little Giants, who couldn't catch and got his hands stuck together with Stick 'Em. I never knew that kid was actually Bobby Wade. Certainly made more of himself than Devon Sawa or even IceBox (I wonder when Simmons will do a "What If" on her).

-Remember what started that whole J-Cunty debacle. It was trying to trade for Matt Cassel:

Hmmm, I'm kinda glad we didn't trade for THAT guy.

-Brodie Croyle is the exact opposite of a victory cigar.

Sometimes a picture really is worth a thousand words.

-Man, the Chiefs really decided to just hand the game to Denver in the third quarter, especially.

Then again, with the Broncos super special team play thus far against Native American teams, anything could have happened (see; Redskins, Washington).

-The guy in charge of the Chiefs, Todd Haley, is really a raging cunt. I am surprised he didn't murder a back-up today.

-So many jokes about this, but really all I can ask is why?

 

I wonder if Redface is as racist as Blackface?

And why?

Nasty N, it is your job to come up with the appropriate inappropriate jokes for these. It really is your purpose here on Earth.

Nuggets: Busted those bitch ass Spurs up. Didn't lose to the T-Wolves. Good week.
Below is a brilliant video brought to my attention by @tjedy:

What a fucking Princess.


Tweets of the week:
Lance Moorman: "Jacked some asshole who tried to reach in my pockets... I hope your broken nose feels good you ignorant fuck."
And people ask me why I'm on Twitter. This gives me hope one of the many SD hobos will accost me and some point and allow me to haul off and smack a bitch.


Club Trillion: Al Michaels on Jared Allen: "Sooner or later #69 will be in your face." Sometimes it's just too easy.

Honorable Mention: Black Prez: Vicks TD Pass got me kinda teary eyed... So happy...


Avs: An up and down week, but the two goal comeback in the last 50 seconds against Florida to save a point was huge. Hopefully Anderson isn't out too long. But my by Duchene keeps scoring. Matty Ice, baby.

CSU Rams: Besides the blemish against a better-than-they-should-be UNC team, the Rams defeated in-state "Rival" Denver. 5-3 is a pretty good start. Now it is time to fuck up CU and attempt to complete the sweep in every sport that I care about (fb, vb, m&wbb). Wear white if you are in Fort Collins Thursday. For purity of race. Wait, that isn't right. Just because we have one of the least diverse schools in the country doesn't mean we have to show off, right?


Rockies: There are rumors you assholes are gonna bring back Jamie Carroll. This cannot be true and I might renounce my fandom if he comes back. If he and (name redacted) share the 2B role I might just start stabbing random people on the street, or mail bombs around the country in a pattern that resembles a lazy pop out to right center field. YOU MADE ME DO THIS!

Other sports news: Teboner- If I was a worldly fellow like Tim Tebow, I would have seen some stuff that shows me what is really important in life. I used to be a bitch who cried about shit like sports, but then I dealt with real life losses I stopped. I'm sorry, but they should take away his old fucking Heisman for that routine. Adam Morrison-esque, it was.

The Saints- I am so proud of myself for picking Robert Meachem off the scrap heap in fantasy. Best maneuver ever. The early games at the bar where perfect, shit was going crazy all morning long.

The Vikings- Will lose in the playoffs when Brad Childress calls 50 passes for Brettard Favre and doesn't give Purple Jesus the ball.

TCU vs. Boise- They should just mutually agree to not even play. I have dubbed it the Glass Ceiling Bowl. Mike Donovan had this to say: "TCU/Boise St. What a crock. What a lose-lose for both teams. The JV National Championship or the Separate But Equal Bowl." He said it first, but it is my blog so I go first here. No journalistic integrity on this site, buddy.


Happy Hollidays: Oh, it is Christmas season now so I send you off with this lovely ditty.

The Weekend Sack-Up: Things that make you say HMMMMM?

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Sports: I Give Thanks

As I pointed out in my splendidly narcissistic post about why I can't sleep, sports are my escape from the problems/issues in the real world that make me restless. Even though I spend much of the space in this blog trashing on teams/people and focusing on the suck (especially lately), I love sports. So, as a prelude to Thanksgiving, I will be filling this blog post with videos and websites about sports that I love.

If you are bored (especially at a job where they haven't blocked Youtube yet) this should keep you entertained for quite a while. Yep, this all makes me very happy. I don't even care that this took me hours, searching Youtube and watching all sorts of random shit.Happy thanksgiving, and please post any videos you love here or on my wall. Enjoy:

John Elway: John Elway leading the drive. I still own this video, and the 1986 "Mile High Champions" videotape, and I nearly wore both out watching them every Saturday and Sunday growing up. John Elway was my first true love and I always ask WWJED (What Would John Elway Do=Procrastination). I know Elway has been kind of dick in his personal life (and to Mr. Moorman, a story I may ask him to post on here sometime), but I don't care. Jesus had his share of problems, and he has done alright for himself.


 Brace for a blog explaining the Church of Elway (aka Elwayology).

Christianity has Jesus on a cross,  Elwayology has John leaping in between two Packers.



Gilbert Arenas: Best game-winning shot ever. Raising the arms before it even drops. I love me some Melo and JR, but that is just bad ass.


But that is not all that makes Gil great. There was the blog, which was just fantastic. Even while struggling through injury, he was entertaining. At the beginning of this season he was being surly and trying to avoid talking to the media, thinking it would help him focus. It didn't work, and it just wasn't Gilbert. Then this happened:

Agent Zero Pilot from Gilbert Arenas vs Agent Zero on Vimeo.

What other NBA player would do this? Not many, as they, or the people that run their lives, are too image conscious.

DeShawn Stevenson: "I watch gangster flicks and root for the bad guy, turn it off before it end because the bad guy die." -50 Cent. That is how I feel about my boy DeShawn. He is crazy. Insane in the membrane, but he captivates me.


I really fell in love after watching this video, with him and Gilbert betting thousands of dollars against each other in a post-practice 3-point shootout. Gil shot one-handed from college range, D-Steve regular from NBA range. NBA players from every team may do this, but it seems like the Wizards are the only ones who would have it filmed, thanks to Dan Steinberg at the DC Sports Bog and Bullets Forever. I need to make this blog as awesome as those.

Colorado State: When I feel really down about CSU sports I have a few videos I love to watch, especially this one.


And this one:

And I always enjoy Robert Herbert fucking bitches up. Oh what could have been if he didn't steal credit cards.


A little D.A.:


Eric Berry: All I want is Eric Berry to be a Bronco next year. Trade everyone for him, I don't care.





Hockey Fights: Red Wings-Avs, the best rivalry I have ever seen. If I ever meet Darren McCarty I am buying him a drink. Why? So that alcoholic motherfucker falls off the wagon. What a flamboyant cheap pussy. Oh, but what entertainment.

I love Roy kicking Vernon's ass.

This one is good too: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0alqGVE9ipg

Joe Sakic's lone fight. "How do you like them apples, Gilmore."


Oh, Phadouche:


Peter Forsberg: Man he was good.


For more Avalanche love, go to Mile High Hockey.

Best Commercial Ever?

Fernando Torres: Just watching this video made me go out and play a few games of FIFA.

Sack and Edy discuss the NBA, Part II (finally) [Edy insults aplenty]

I welcome my readers to this preseason, first week semi early in the year NBA preview on Sackrilegious. Again, I welcome Mr. Trevor Edy to discuss the NBA (Remember this Nuggs Preview from about 2 months ago? Neither do I. Blame is on Edy, more on that later). I welcome him like you welcome Jehova's Witnesses into your house. Reminder: he speaks in Italics, because that is the way I imagine his French ancestors spoke. I speak in the noble font you know as normal.

This is a little all over the place, but is that really surprising in any way?  

When life gives you hate, make Haterade.

When prompted to write about the NBA by a friend, recycle jokes from freshman year. Glad you're bringing the A-game.


We need to give Ty Lawson some love: He is quick. Both Edy and I forgot to mention him during our Nuggets preview, and that was inexcusable. Again, I blame AC, whose suckiness melted my brain. A back-up point guard who comes in and changes the pace of the game, but in a good way. Egads! This does work better than a turnover machine.

Something we failed to address in the last post. Ty Lawson is going to have me saying “Is this real life????” (insert kid from dentist video) many times this season. He looks like a cross between Sherron Collins and Mateen Cleaves, but has game like Chris Paul, already. You know what this means, less minutes for AC-eeeeeeeeeee. AC can go take his green hummer and shove it up his ass… from the bench, of course.

Most hated player in the league: LeBron. I really seem to dislike him and the fact that everyone seems to love him. Ginobli is also up here, but the LeBron love gets to me. Guess what? That bitch hasn't won anything yet, but everyone keeps putting him up as the best player ever. He has barely done anything better than Melo and has achieved less than D-Wade. Plus, he is a fucking dick.

Not shaking hands after the loss to the Magic is a total bitch move. You lost to a better TEAM, give them some respect. Don't run off and refuse to talk about it. You want to be the highest paid athlete ever and you constantly appear in TV commercials hawking car insurance or some other dumb shit, annoying the piss out of me, but when things go bad you hide. It doesn't work that way Bron-Bron. You gotta take the good with the bad.

Crab-Dribble, what the fuck are you on? Delonte West even thinks that was stupid. 

Such a bitch. A 6'9" 250-pound man, who, as far as I recall, has never been called for a charge, despite flying to the basket like Brian Dawkins after a receiver. Always bitching about the refs. It makes me sick. I want to be able to cheer for you, being such a freak-of-nature and arguably the most athletic person on the planet, but you are too conceited for me, which is really saying something.  

Two words: Sasha Vujacic. Two more words: Douche Bag. If you don’t agree with me on this, well… fuck you. This guy might as well wear a giant pussy on his face. I can just see him doing an ‘Always’ pad commercial telling women to “have a happy period.” This is not out of the realm of possibility.  

Quick game: Which of these pictures is actually Trevor Edy, and not some douchebag? Answer below. 

Trevor, on Facebook, dubbed me the Sasha Vujacic of his friend's circle. That is the most fucked up thing anyone has ever said to me. Trevor could abort my baby from the womb of Betty Draper and I would not be as upset at him as I am over that slight.

He later recanted a bit, to say that "If my circle of friends was the Lakers, you would be Sasha." Oh, that is so much better. So then I called him the Luke Walton of my friend circle (in Laker terms), and also the Eric Byrnes overall in sports terms. Look at him: the abhorrent whiteness, the former long-flowing bleach blond locks, the fake hustle and, most of all, the shit-talking with absolutely nothing to back it up. If this blog takes some ugly swipes at Edy the rest of the way, remember that he called me Sasha Vagania-cic and you will understand my anger.

Plus, Edy was supposed to have this preview done weeks ago, but he is the biggest slacker since Kwame Brown. He even promised to work on it as a birthday present to me, and then didn't do shit. Cost me two weeks at least on this NBA preview because he "couldn't get his Bill Simmons on." Would the real Trevor Edy please separate stand up?  

Answer: All of the above are Douchebags. You're on thin ice as resident NBA expert, former-pal. 

All right, it is actually Edy in the middle, dressed as Aaron Carter for Halloween. On a related note, Mr. Edy, that is certainly a Man-Code violation. Your Man-Card has been suspended. 

Some good came out of this exchange, however: We decided that our Laker friend, Cartman Molloy, would obviously be Shannon Brown. According to a former Cavs and CSU staffer, Brown was the dumbest person he ever met. He would go on road trips and pack nothing but his warm-ups, meaning he had to wear a robe or jersey for most of the trip. 

Shannon Brown minus the really athleticism part. If the shoe fits. (Quote generated from Edy text messages). 

Favorite non-Nugget: I have Gilbert Arenas. He is my boy. Everything that I would want to be as a player. Quick. Quirky. A hard worker. Deadly jumper. One of the few guys in the league who can be a top-flight scorer and also be among league leaders in assists. He is bawse (/Tommy Joiner).  

Surprise team: Washington Wizards. Arenas is back. I watched some highlights, and that fucker is quick again. He isn't talking crazy shit either. The team has enough depth for anyone in the East, the young guys got time last year. Leadership from Antwan, Tuff Juice and Gil. Flip Saunders is a decent coach and will turn a 19 win team into at least the second round of the playoffs, pushing 50 wins. This is biased because I love the Bullets, but they are due. I think if they match up with the Cavs it is possible they shock them and force Bron out of Cleveland. The East is a crap shoot of overrated teams anyway.

*The Wiz have not really started out gangbusters, so this prediction looks really stupid. But Gil just brought back Agent Zero, and if you have ever watched a movie, you know the montage of winning is just around the corner. Right? 

You know that one girl at the party that you know is going to be either (a) passed out on the couch at the end of the night, (b) end up being part of a “Birmingham Booty Call,”or (c) telling everyone “I’m so classy” as her boob flies out of her tube top. You know one of these three things will happen, you just don’t know when. Just like, you know Arenas is going to get hurt, it might not be tomorrow or next week, but it WILL happen. The team will fold without him, just like they do every year. I think Flip Saunders is a great coach, but he is in a tough position. They have solid players, a good mix of crafty veterans and rising young stars, even have a leading candidate for my NBA first-team all-ugly, Mike Miller… and, uhhh, Sam Cassell (a perennial addition into the all-ugly team) is an Assistant Coach. I’m done here.   

He had knee surgery, it takes a couple years to come back from. It is the same injury as K-Mart, Amare and tons of other guys have had. Two years recovery, brother. Gilbert trained all offseason with Jordan's guy in Chicago. Barring someone rolling into his knee again, he will be fine. If we are going by your analogy, about girls at parties, he is the hot girl at the party who, for whatever stupid reason, ends up hooking up with a douchebag who treats her wrong. She loses confidence, gets out of the dating game for a while, but after some therapy and time to fix her life, she will come back into the game wiser and will make some guy's life (I imagine this is how Rihanna and I will end up together). That analogy was rough, but I still don't understand why I would want to talk on a cell phone that was up some chick's ass. Crazy Kappas. 

However, I think Houston is going to be a major surprise out of the Southwest division. In a recent win at Utah, they had eight guys in double figures. They are really an all around team with a good coach (Rick Adelman). Shane Battier, a guy that this blog has come to admire, was a +36 in the +/- that game. Pretty incredible in a 113-96 win.  

Houston is going to suck my balls. No playoffs. Sorry. T-Mac is their hope and it won't happen. They have bad ju-ju. If you think Gil is the girl about to lose her shit at the party, Houston is the sororstitute that have been drinking since noon, whose sole plan in life is to get pounded by someone cool. We all know how that ends: Mickeys and Blunts, your basement, Ronnie Aguilar and some poor little blond girl. Not a pretty sight, I must say: Houston will have a problem this year. 

No doubt in this category. Have to love OKC. What’s not to love? Kevin Durant is the future of the league. Plus, that Hyperize commercial slays me every time it comes on. 

I wanted you to write a preview ala Bill Simmons, not parrot him. But yeah, OKC really is the best choice. Fuck that Bawstahn fucktahd for stealing all the good talking points. 

Most hated Nuggs opponent that we haven't heard much about (and that you think the team would hate the most): More who we suspect will become a thorn in the Nuggets side. Like Russell Westbrook or OJ Mayo, after his 40 point blow up earlier this year. Like how Scott Hairston hits a bomb against the Rockies every fucking game, but sucks against everyone else. JJ Berrea is kinda like that. I gotta go with Trevor Ariza. Everyone gives Kobe credit, but Ariza was a straight punk last season to the Nuggs, fucking our shit up. He played Melo as well as anyone one-on-one (or as close to it as anyone does, because don't no one guard Melo one-on-one)...

"I don't really think it's possible to have a 'Melo stopper," Anthony said. "No team in the NBA will just let me play one-on-one against them. They just won't do it."

...and he managed to score enough points to piss me off. Now he is a Rocket. Awesome. With him and Battier the Rockets will piss Melo off enough that he might Kufi slap some more fools (ht: Rory). 

Going out on a limb here and saying Luke “Pretty Boy” Walton. He’s already been going back and forth with our man, Renaldo Balkman, in the early stages of the preseason. I see plenty of jawing in the future for these two. Obviously both teams have some beef to settle after last year’s playoff series. This will again be ignited this year. 

I hope to God that Balkman or someone smacks that Grateful Dead loving bitch in the face. If AC does it, he earns a reprieve from my hate. Do it A.C.

Will any NBA player challenge Ron-Ron Artest for Starbury Memorial Award and at what moment and how will Artest derail the Lakers? 1) Depending on what happens with this S-Jack situation, he could do some shit. Iverson could blow up Memphis (called it). T-Mac might injure himself in some creative way, like Houston the rapper/singer.

I think Artest takes a really bad T in close game, blowing a game that was about to be another classic Kobe-comeback. From then on the questions start and his play starts to slack. Either that or he becomes the first guy crazy enough to demand that Kobe get him the ball more, and in turn brawls with Kobe, finishing it by ripping the leg of a courtside table and impaling Kobe through the heart.

Why do I have Cleveland winning the championship this year?? Not Shaq, not LBJ.… Ladies and Gentlemen: Delonte West! He is a first-teamer on the NBA All-Neck Tattoo team. I was having a chat with one of my buddies and we were discussing the connection between stupid shit and neck tattoos. The correlation is uncanny. Guys in the L with neck tattoos: Starbury, Delonte, Kmart, Deshawn Stevenson, etc. (also see the “Uh, this is my one phone call, so don’t hang up” team) All guys who at anytime can be pulled over on his crotch rocket with a loaded shotgun (oops, that already happened) and you wouldn’t bat an eye.  It makes too much sense. And  that’s not even the most outrageous thing that Mr. West has done. Case and point. MR. WEST IS IN THE BUILDING! Anytime your young role player puts out a video like that, you have to know you’re going to be successful this season. …. We can build on this! 

The only thing that would make that video better is if Kanye West inturupted it somehow. "Excuse, Delonte West, but Starbury had the greatest meltdown on a webcam ever." Wow, that is glorious. 

As for Artest: I don’t see him being the defensive stopper he has been in the past. He just doesn’t fit in the Lakeshow system. Not really sure why they went and changed their chemistry to add a guy who has openly had a homophobic boy band love for their star player. “Mr. Mantrum ”will lose control and eventually cost LA an important game at some point. 

Will Blake Griffin ever play a game? Yes, only to rupture his ACL during the jumpball. 

Look for many top 10 plays from Mr. Griffin. Side note: ON PAPER, the Clippers are playoff contender. Baron, Eric Gordon, Al Thorton (whom I love), Kaman, Camby, the list goes on. This is like the dream video game team. Too bad for them, they don’t play the games on an 8.5 x 11. 

That is paper. Mixing your metaphors there young Edy. You also forgot to mention that Dunleavy is the coach. Doomed.  

Will Indiana cut Dauntay Jones before the end of the season? He is not white enough for that franchise. 

After watching just one game in which he played. I now know how the rest of the league felt last year. 

He is quite the dick. Maybe he can still do the Nuggs a favor and get Chris Paul suspended for another nutsack sucker punch.  

Player in the NBA who plays most like yourself:  Yao. I am really tall and have decent coordination for my size, but I should be tougher and I should be able to dominate more than I do. I also make dunking really difficult, when it shouldn't be at my height. Solid range to about 15 feet. Players a few inches shorter that are much quicker can own me. Fortunately, I am not a big pussy who is constantly hurt. Sadly, I am a full foot shorter. 

Andre Miller, excluding the fact he has the personality of a fish, this one is dead on. He’d rather back down a smaller PG, than take a contested 15 footer. A guy who looks to get his teammates involved first. This may cause problems in Portland, however. Both Andre Miller and Brandon Roy need the ball to thrive… only one ball.   

You would pick the whitest black man in the league. I think you play like A.C. You push the ball recklessly, have solid range in close but brick threes, but you hustle all over the place. IF I AM SASHA YOU ARE AC. SUCK ON THAT!   

Song that best desribes your Nuggets outlook this season: Don't Wake Me Up- Ya Boy ft. Knock the Hometown Hero. 

"I started off with them gangsta (people of color) that push and peddle, I Could have robbed some (suckus), could have shot some (Ninjas), but you did it first and look where it got you (sir), we set examples now, ball and watch these hampers pile full of checks, started in the West and world stamped it now, on top of the world, most the time on top of they girl, fuck the assumers, only idiots listen to rumors."

This sounds a lot like Melo, coming up from the hood and now he needs to realize that shit is expected of him. He can be the best in league, or at least he should be. Time to keep it going. Don't get involved in any of that dumb thug shit anymore.

"Sitting on top of the world, if my life's a dream, don't wake me up. I'm in magazines and I'm living it up. I'm on top of the world and I'm blowing up, don't wake me up."

The way the Nuggs played last year and started this season, I am pretty stoked. I don't want them to fall off, I want this to continue. If last season was our dream season, I don't want to see this season turn into a reality where we suck again, and aren't fun to watch.

"Tell them haters to pipe down."

Prognosticators picking us to fall off, fuck them. Only idiots listen to rumors, or Tim Legler.

"I'm on my grind, if you not on my level get left behind, take a look up and see where I'm at (Sitting on top of the world)" 

Other players on the team need to realize that Melo and Chauncey can take them to the top, but they have to step up their level as well. Too much last year, as we choked against the Lakers, it was just Melo and Chauncey, taking on all five Lakers. Odom, Pau, Ariza and even fucktarded Shannon Brown made big plays. No one on the Nuggs stepped up. That needs to change. 

“We Ready” By Archie… I think they are ready this year. They will constantly be the “Nobody believed in us except the guys in this locker room” team.  

Keith Burns thinks this song is very 1999.  

Song that best describes the state of the league: Three blind mice, because of the refs. Get it? 

Anything by LMFAO and that LOL (Smiley Face) song by Trey Songz… ever since athletes have been exposed to twitter they all of a sudden feel obligated to tweet like a 12-year-old girl in a chat room who just received another “300 more hours free” AOL CD in the mail. The NBA: Where LMFAO! and LOL! happens.   

LMFAO is the tits. Don't dog them. But yes, the smiley face song is perfect for the NBA. Every time that comes on in the club I want to strangle the fucking DJ. Edy wins this penultimate section. 

Random Notes: Side note #879 – Our GM came out with this… http://espn.go.com/blog/truehoop/post/_/id/10155/mark-warkentiens-play-in-tournament … This is why we love the Nuggets, among other things.  

Our GM should stick to finding a big man so Nene can play the four. 

Predictions: Trevor/Matt

Eastern Southwest: Miami/Orlando

Central: Cleveland/Cleveland

Atlantic: Boston/Boston

Western Southwest: Houston/San Antonio

Northwest: Denver/Denver

Pacific: Los Angeles Lakers/LA Lakers

Eastern Conference Champ: Cleveland/Boston

Western Conference Champ: LA Lakers/San Antonio

NBA Champs: Cleveland/San Antonio 

Most Valuable Player: Lebron James/Lebron

Rookie of the Year: Brandon Jennings/DeJuan Blair

Defensive Player of the Year: Dwight Howard/Dwight Howard (even if Battier deserves it)

6th Man: Rasheed Wallace/Jason Terry

Most Improved Player: Emeka Okafor/Greg Oden (which big man will suck less)

Surprise Team: Houston/Washington

Surprise Player: Ramon Sessions/Anthony Randolph

Disappointing Team: Dallas/New Orleans

A sweet sack of Nuggs

A two part Nuggets and NBA preview with resident NBA expert Trevor Edy: In part one, we look at the Denver Nuggets roster and break it down. In part two, due later today, we discuss the entire NBA and make predictions. Sounds like fun, eh?

The last season for Denver was all sorts of Drake- that is was the best they ever had (song kinda blows, by the way). What did the Nuggets do to improve, to have any chance to actually win a title? Not a whole heck of a lot, according to most. Everyone is assuming a perfect storm came up last season for the Nuggs to even get to the Lakers (damn LA teams) as San Antonio sucked and the Nuggs "only" needed to beat the Hornets and Mavs. People seem to forget that this Nuggets team, unlike most of their competitors who restocked, still has room to get better. Other than Chauncey and maybe K-Mart, none of them are on the downside of their career's. In fact, Nene and JR Smith should take huge strides, while Melo can still improve. Unlike SA, Timmay Duncan and Vaginobli are clearly getting up there, Houston, who lost Yao, the Nuggs didn't need to add any big time players.

Join Trevor and I we look at the Nuggs roster and offer some thoughts on the big shots, and who needs to step up: (Edy's additions come in italics, ya dig?)

Carmelo Anthony: What can I say about Melo, he is a fucking stud. He wasn't even on his game for most of last year's postseason and he still killed fools. If he attacks the basket even more, as he was near the end last year, especially when he is struggling, he will win us a championship before all is said and done. He seems to have matured, but he doesn't have to be a leader as much with Chauncey. Just keep lighting up that La, Lalala, and being the smooth, powerful 20 points/game all-star.

(Summer of 2009 was a coming out part for Melo... in the media. He went on late night talk shows and had an "inspiring interview" on ESPN's E:60. Even had a building name after him at 'Cuse.

Kimmel: Syracuse, where you played, is naming a whole building after you....
Melo: Well they should be after I gave all that money to them! (laughter ensues)

That's the Carmelo Anthony we know and love. Actually, he seemed pretty sincere this summer about coming back with a vengeance and being more mature. I think  the Melo of the playoffs last year is the player we will see for the whole year. He has finally come into his own and pending future run-ins with local law enforcement, should be an All-Star in February.)

Chauncey B-b-b-b-Billups: Not much to say. Other than I still, sometimes, have trouble cheering for a Buff. Green and Gold runs deep. Pictures speak louder, and this one needs no LOL-caption. Bawse.

 

(The guy has some big lips, but is a hell of a leader. Mentioned on Twitter that this year's training camp may be his last... uh ohh... Good thing we have AC... (crickets))

J.R. Smith: We won't have him for the first seven games of the season, but who can't wait for JR Swish. Hopefully he has grown up some more; a few less redonk three attempts and more attacking the hoop, a little better defense. Still, he can win a game by himself and he has started to figure out his roll with the team. He improved a ton last season, let's hope the rise continues. Hopefully Chauncey smacked some sense into him as well.

Funny, that old picture has the Huggets former lawncare maintanance guy in the background. Damn glad he moved on to New Jersey.

(Is 2009 going to be the year that NBA lovers drop the phrase "You have to take the good and the bad with this guy (Smith)"?... probably not.. But that's what we love about this guy. He's ghetto and he can ball. He will win us no less than five games on his own. So just be a good friend and take the car keys away from him, because we know he can't drive drunk for shit.)

Speaking of Nuggets that I hate, I would like to move on to the current Nugget player that will make me scream in anger the most. Obviously that player is Anthony Carter. He joins the elite group of players who suck major knob, until I show up to a Nuggs game and they go off. Others in this group include Najera, Vashon Leonard and Francisco Elson, who probably owes me 15% of his Spurs contract since I witnessed in person every quality game in his career.

If George Karl puts AC on Kobe during any key stretches this season, I will stab the closest living thing in my vicinity, which will be one of my roommates' dogs. Get that GK, you will make me Michael Vick some fucking animals if you resort to some dumb shit.

(The only place I want to see AC is in a suit on the sidelines, but yet, don't even bother about coming out of the locker room. His "What the hell was that" turnovers continually increase the blood pressure of fans. No AC we cannot build on this. Let's all hope AC gets many DNP- CD's this season. AC is like that birth control pill "Yaz," leaving you thinking, "So what is it that you do here??" George Karl, please don't make me consult my doctor with any serious side effects. See below.)

Nugget I will hate this season, besides A.C.: Aaron Afflalo. I can't loath anyone as much as I do AC (the Jamie Carrol of the Nuggs, small and he sucks), but I don't see anyone who possesses [2b Rockies]-level suckitude. The only person I can compare is Afflalo, due to his supposed defensive skill and ability to do one thing well on offense (hit threes, [douchebag] did hit 24 home runs), but if he goes on an extended cold streak, I can definitely see conniptions in my future. As of now he gets the benefit of being a 40% shooter from long range last season, far above Dahntay Jones, who should have received an electric shock every time he took a shot longer than four feet from the hoop.

(I have high hopes for both Afflalo and Joey Graham. Afflalo went to a big basketball school and knows how to play on the big stage. He's a guy who is long "a la Dahntay Jones" and can shoot "not Jones." I'm going out on a limb here and saying Kmart may start to return to the piece of jumbled mess under the basketball as I scream at my television set "90 million for you?????? You're fucking with me right now!" Although, I hope this is not the case.)

Most hated Nugget: Kenyon Martin. It is shocking, that on a team that features JR (a guy who killed someone in a car crash and overacts everything), Melo (DUI, Stop Snitchin,' sucker-slap at the Garden), Anthony Carter (DUI), and Birdman (Andre Agassi-dust and Coke, I assume), it is K-Mart that is easily our most hated player. Other than some speeding tickets, I don't really think he has ever been arrested, but he is everything racists NBA-haters point to as wrong with basketball: Big, athletic, black man with limited offensive skill, a huge contract, went to school at Cincy, moronic tattoos, constantly injured, always yelling and acting thuggish, etc.

On the other side, Martin seems to me like a genuinely nice person with a very competitive edge (what do I know, I think Brandon Marshall is a great guy as long he catches TDs). Someone who overcame a childhood stuttering problem, injury problems in college and with the Nuggs to become a major factor in Denver's success last year. Yes, he was part of the problem a couple years ago, but he stepped up in the preseason last year to challenge the team and himself to play tougher defense while supporting George Karl. As much as everyone points to Chauncey as changing this Nuggets team, K-Mart kick started it while Billups was still in Detroit.

And don't nobody wanna fuck with a Bad Ass Yellow Boy.

Bonus youtube: This nastiness. He doesn't do it as much as he used to, but when he goes off, not many people can do it better.


(I still think people will hate on Birdman or "The Birdman" as the national media likes to call him. Everyone hates the mohawk wearing, former using, mustang driving, tatoo'd up white guy. This is common knowledge. Speaking of white guys..... I have nothing to say here since we only have one, after the departure of LK. This may be a positive and negative at the same time. I am having trouble explaining this phenomenon right now considering our only white guy is two years removed from his last TWEEKEND. On that note, Over/Under on how many times the announcers remind us that Andersen served a two year suspension for a drug use... 97.5.. I'll take the over. ) 

Player who most needs to step up: Nene. The one-named wonder will be key to the Nuggets matching last season's success, and any hopes of stealing the Stern Trophy from the Lakers rides on his back. He must dominate down low and he can't let Pau or Andrew Bynum outplay him. That shit is weak. Too much disappearing in the clutch, either with poor play or foul trouble.

Take a page out of Melo's book and lose the dreads as well. The Fro is good to go.

(Bottom line here: Nene needs to pull the tampon out his vag and start playing like we thought he could. Is last year's Nene going to the player of the future? Or will he average 20 and 10 this year carrying the team to their second consecutive Northwest Division crown?? If that is the case, the latter, "He was who we thought he was!!" He needs more touches, which will come as Melo finds out what he needs the TEAM to do. He needs to stop acting like a jackass rookie on defense. Look Nene, you're a foreigner, the refs don't like you, so start playing smarter. Don't let a few mishaps on the defensive end dictate what your game looks like for the remaining 35 minutes. Nene, you are the X-factor. How quickly we forget that he's been in the league for SEVEN years. Goal of the year: make more FG's and grab more rebounds than English words known.. this shouldn't be hard.)

Player I want the Nuggets to add: Deshawn Stevenson. A man who would be locked in the loony bin in normal life, but who now has amassed enough wealth from basketball that he should be considered a national security liability. And, God, how awesome he would each look on the Nuggets roster. He fulfills all the requirements: tons of tatoos, can shoot the three (and semi-autos) accurately, plays tough man-to-man defense and wouldn't take a lot to bring in. 

D-Steve, aka the Locksmith, is not starting for the Wizards, and could probably be had for the Nuggs mid-level exception (I don't know for sure and don't feel like looking this up, Trevor?). Imagine if K-Mart    had the second-most ridiculous above-the-shoulders tatoo on the team (See above pic). The Nuggs add toughness and I have even more reason to rock the "I Can't Feel My Face" move.

Also on my wish list: Stephen Jackson, Shane Battier (number one, really, but there is no way he comes or fits in with this team), Luc Mbah a Moute.

(Denver GM Mark Warkentien has openly said he is not afraid to "bring out the driver" with the mid-level exception, meaning ANYTHING is on the board. But only if things aren't going the way they had thought in a few months. I personally think a guy like Shane Battier would be a great player, but his chemistry with this 'eccentric' team would create issues. Possibly a guy like Al Harrington, Andres Nocioni and even a Josh Howard, who would fit in for OBVIOUS reasons. I.e. someone who could play the 3 behind Melo. I have always wanted David Lee, but he doesn't fit the Denver bill for some reason.)

(Prediction: 48-34, Northwest crown. Portland can go lick a dick, for reasons to come in Part 2. Balkman will be the first one to be in legal trouble: Taking a stab at... Tranny hooker, in an alley, with a strap-on. I win. )

I predict that the first Nugg arrested during the 2008-09 season will be Johan Petro, just to remind everyone that he indeed is on this team. He will try to get into a club by saying he is a Nuggets player, get denied, pitch a fit, and get thrown in the pokey. Even after the roster in shown, the cops won't let him out, as Stan Kronkie will choose to let him rot rather than have to pay him his salary. Times are tough, yaknow.

We shall close with a picture of someone who needs no introduction:

Part two will actually have to come tomorrow. Daddy needs food and to make money. You can't rush this genius.