A Whole Lotta Sacks: A Broncos Preview

VS.      

 

First off, I would like to thank whatever spiritual leader has yet again allowed football to come back, while ignoring famine in Africa (and all that other bad shit I would know about if I watched the news). Excellent work up there. It is much more important for guys like Donald Driver to win Super Bowls than it is for a couple million Haitians Japanese a couple folks in Myrtle Beach to have houses. Thanks for ending that painful lockout, as now I have something to do on Sunday rather than go to church. Which is why I'm pretty certain that Western religion has this whole "rest on a Sunday" thing wrong. We should rest on Mondays for GOD, in addition to acting like sloths on Sunday for FOOTBALL.

Allrighty then...now that I have that covered, it is time to break down the boys from Sports Authority Field at Mile High Stadium located off Colfax Avenue sponsored by Children's Hospital (If I ever say Sports Authority Field in a non-sarcastic tone, someone slap me).


Quarterbacks: Kyle Orton is our starter. This is met with joy by people who love lukewarm mashed potatoes and a bland steak from Applebees. "Yeah, derp, we won't be terrible derp!" seems to be the rallying cry of many, who would rather the Broncos go 8-8 with Orton, in his contract year, and then roll the dice with Tebow next year (I refuse to believe anyone will ever let Brady Quinn ever start another NFL game). I don't like 8-8, and there is no reason to shoot for that record, even if it might win the AFC West.

We might as well start the Tebow-Jesus, find out if he has anything redeemable and enter the Andrew Luck (shit Kellen Moore, Robert Griffin III, Case Keenum, etc. all sound better than more years of Orton) lottery if he shits the bed. And even if he performs decently and the team still sucks (high probability) we at least gave him a little trade value. Instead, we are paying Orton, Teebs and Quinn around $15 million this season and we will be in basically the same situation next season. Joy.


Running Backs: I don't get the closed book on Knowshon. Maybe he isn't an every down, pounding NFL runner, but how many teams actually have a back like that anymore? (answer, not New England, Green Bay, New Orleans, Indianapolis. You know, just 4 of the best NFL teams in the last five years). He can catch the ball, is shifty, has speed and now with Willis, doesn't have to be a short-yardage back.

Aside: {Now, was he worth a 1st round pick, over pretty much the NEXT 30 GUYS DRAFTED? Nope. Other than the shit sandwich of Robert Ayers, Darcel McBath & Alphonso Smith, I would take almost everyone down to pick 53. Let's just pause and note how fucking bad Josh McDaniels was at picking players...and solemnly swear that we will dick punch him if ever in the same room}

I predict over 1,000 yards rushing for Knowshon, but less than six touchdowns. Willis, he's gonna get about 8 tds on 200 yards.

Spencer Larson will continue to run into everything in front of him with the crown of his helmet because the NFL doesn't give a shit about defenders health (or anyone's health for that matter), just limiting helmet-to-helmet highlight hits so CNN can't replay it 40 times and damage their image.

Wide Receivers: First off, fuck John Fox for keeping only four active recievers (one of whom is Matt Willis) instead of DA. That is fucking stupid /Says guy not at all being a homer.

But the receiving corp should be pretty good this season. We know B-Lloyd and Eddie are studs. Deck is looking like a break out player and even wearing Eddy Mac's number (which oddly hasn't been worn by anyone but white guys since he retired). If Demaryious returns from his injury this and brings anything to the table, we could have one of the best corps in the league. BUT WE NEED MORE DA.

Tight Ends: Fells is dece-piece. Thomas intriguing. Virgil Green can block, I guess. I dunno, if they aren't fat, lazy, they can't be any worse than Daniel Graham and Richard Quinn. "McFuckingDaniels" (shakes fist at sky, slumps to knees).

Lineman: Ryan Clady is solid. The rest is a work in progress.

...should not be successful in anything in life. But he is a fucking giant, so there is hope.

These guys better be great, because we all know, whenever there is any pressure, Bumbles McOrton will find a way to run directly at it and then fumble.


Defensive line: This is where there could be some fun. Doom and Gloom is a shitty nickname for what could be such a dynamic force. I predict double-digit sack totals from both (get it? A WHOLE LOTTA SACKS!), but unfortunately, teams will still run right up our asses like a colonoscopy (that last line will be an actual Lil' Wayne line on the Carter 5).  Man, I wish we had a defensive tackle or two. Also, Robert Ayers still technically starts at end and we only get Von down here part-time.

Linebackers: Because Von will be trying to tackle ball carriers and cover tight ends sometimes, which should be fun and in no way makes sense to me. Oh well, I'm not an expert, (unless it is on beer pong, women's soccer and how a rice surplus in Djibouti affects oil prices in Quatar {2 truths, 1 lie}).

Also, DJ Williams is back to miss crucial tackles and make excellent DUIs. Somebody named Joe Mays is our MLB and I hope he is a relative of Willy Mays, or Willy Mays Hayes, but he probably will suck.

Secondary: We have Champ, still, which is nice, plus Andre Goodman. They combined have 23 years experience in the NFL. That is a shit load, and unless they are hitting the HGH hard, not the greatest plan for a league that is always getting faster. 

At safety we have another really old man in B-Dawk, who will prolly try to murder me in my sleep for saying something bad about him, but I'm pretty sure my slow ass could juke him out of his shoes at this point. I kid, as he still makes a few big plays and will lay some wood if you don't see him coming. Joining him is rookie Rahim Moore, who has a great name for the safety spot, if nothing else.


Special Teams: Promise to be special. Drunk Matty P (the irony is not lost on me) is a kindred spirit of mine and boots the ball. The punter is a punter. Royal con queso is a great returner of punts and Cassius Vaughn will look at a lot of balls soaring out of end zones on kickoffs.

Coaching: John Fox is a solid coach who gets a lot out of his defense and just enough out of his offense. I think he will be successful in Denver, but this isn't gonna be one of those rapid turnarounds. This team is too thin up the middle on defense. He is respected around the league, and that is something necessary for Denver after the joke that was McDaniels.

GM: ELWAY-GOD smites all who question him.

Schedule: 
OAKLAND: Home. Monday night. Debut for Fox. Elway in stadium. W
CINCINNATI: Road. Rookie QB. Shitty team. W
@Tennessee: Too much hype. Pissed off CJ2K. Healthy Hasselbeck. L
@Green Bay: Champs. L
SAN DIEGO: I hate it, but they own us. L
BYE
@Miami: We suck in Florida. L
DETROIT: Stafford injured by Von, Doom. W
@Oakland: Several stabbings in crowd. W
@KC: Shitty schedule. L
NY JETS: Thursday night. Good defense. Close L
@San Diego: L
@Minnesota: Dome. L
CHICAGO: Cutler fucking dies. W
NEW ENGLAND: We own them. Makes no sense. W
@Buffalo: We ridin' high. W
KC: Going out on a heater. W

Final Thoughts: Yup. That's it. 8-8. A nice even record that might lay a foundation for an improvement in 2012, or it sticks us in football purgatory. Orton will be a free agent and is not a Super Bowl caliber QB. We won't have a high draft pick. We won't know what Tebow is capable of. We will be in limbo.

Oh well, at least it should be interesting.

Addendum: (I'm hedging my prediction by saying, if the Broncos start 3-0 and then somehow steal that San Diego game, they will make the playoffs. And I pray to Elway that this happens)


Addendum #2: (If Orton gets hurt and we start Teebus, we go 6-10)

A Little About Sports

So, it has come to my attention that I am writing an awful lot about a certain television show and not about the original purpose of this show. Which is totally true, but if sports were as interesting and enjoyable as Jersey Shore, I would be posting daily. Instead, the Avs, Nuggs, Broncos suck, football is over and I am not from Purple Row so I can't pretend to be ecstatic about pitchers and catchers reporting.

Still, there are some interesting sports stories going on, so I guess I'll try to find the good in a depressing time. Tomorrow, I give you fun things to enjoy until the NCAA Tourney and baseball crank up:


Da' Rams: Clearly, the best thing going in sports right now is the Colorado State Rams men's basketball team.  Turrible for years, including Tim Miles' first season, when the Rams won 0 league games in the regular season (and guess who was beat writer for the Collegian that season? This guy! You know how fun it is to interview a team and write stories during a stretch where a team wins 2-26 games? Pretty much the worst thing ever).

Now, the Rams are actually selling out Moby Arena and should be in the NCAA Tournament with a 4-2 run down the stretch in MWC play. It won't be easy, but god damit it is going to happen.

And I'll be in Vegas again for the MWC tournament, and hopefully the seeding committee will be kind and let us play in Denver if we get that far, because I'll be working there as well.

The Black Super Bowl: The NBA All-Star fesitivities should be fun, almost solely because of Blake Griffin. What is he gonna do in the dunk contest? Who is he gonna yak on in the game? Why can't anyone think of a nickname for him (I think we should just call him Holy Shit, because that is what you say after every dunk)?


AAA: Aaron Afflalo's recent play has given me hope that this Nuggets team can be fun to cheer for next season, especially sans-Melo. Now, if only the bitch-made Knicks would just cave and make this trade, Denver would be a young team with roster flexibility, instead of this stagnant, stupid concotion that we currently trot out. I would appreciate an exciting team, as my future job in ticket sales with Los Nuggos would be a lot easier if they weren't terrible (knock on wood).

Plus, I find it pretty interesting that post-game winner, all of AAA's teammates were out celebrating (with me and Mark Cuban /name drop) but he was nowhere to be seen. Either he was home being responsible, or I can't recognize him (let's hope it is the former).

Denver: I have probably had as many great times in a month in this city as I had in three months in San Deigo. Which is due in part to a couple factors; 1. I have a lot more friends here. 2. I am currently unemployed and therefore never encumbered by this work thing. 3. When the local team is successful I can celebrate with the locals here, unlike SD where I hated everything about their pathetic sports franchises.

Plus, Spring is clearly on it's way. Yes, we'll have the occasional cold and snow, but the tide is changing and the -20 degree days are behind us. Can't wait for baseball, Wash Park day-drinking and outdoor basketball. Fucking eh, summer.

Squash:  It is fucking fun and I'm a natural. I will challenge any of you. Please, because I think the median age of Squashers is 72.

Tim Tebow: I know he's not gonna play next season due to the labor bullshit, but everytime I mention his name I get like 1000 hits, so Tebow Tebow Tebow.

Seriously though, the Broncos should be getting a stud defensive player or two in the draft, which might make us watchable next year, if next year exists.

Welp, that is all for the good stories in sports. 2011 getting off on the same foot as 2010. Steller.

Again, tomorrow I play critic and give you my picks on music, lit, TV and more.

A Sweet Sack of Nuggs, Vol. 2.0

The NBA season got off to a rousing start last night, with the 3-headed monster playing out like all of LeBron's best Cleveland teams looked. Him playing out of his mind and four other guys standing around unsure of their roles (kinda like what our Three-Headed Blog Squad predicted yesterday). Maybe this will change, and not every team will be as deep and defensively skilled as the Celts, but it showed that as much as things change in the NBA, they remain the same.

Which brings us to the loveable Nuggets of Denver, who are still a dysfunctional bunch of Thuggets (even in their magical run to conference finals two years ago who can forget K-Mart fighting fans/owners?). As the world of the NBA turns, we are sadly getting even more fucked up. 

So now, join myself and Mr. "Barrio Bell" Heath (in the blue font) as we go through dickburger that is the Nuggets roster and then offer our lovely predictions about the way this season will go. Or light yourself on fire and have a more enjoyable time. 

This was way more fun to write last season, due to the Nuggs looking like contenders so hoping for the reverse-jinx pleasethankyou!

In Numerical Order:
Gary Forbes: -Went off for 25 vs. Phoenix in the last preseason game.
-This may be the whitest name of any player in the NBA. I was wondering why the accountant was listed on the roster.

Oh, I get it. This is like that Episode of Chappelle’s show where they thrust some white-suburban type into a household full of “crazy-ass N-“ and Mr.Forbes here just happened to be selected for the part. Well they certainly sent him to the most dysfunctional NBA household, the next few months should be hell for this guy. Oh, he’s not actually white? I got nothing then.    

#1 Chauncey Billups: -I'm going to really enjoy watching him in play for Charlotte, where his veteran poise will be much needed.
-Not going to look forward to him trying to take over games and stealing Ty Lawson's PT.

-He can stay, if he basically moves to a role as a shooting guard.

-The single biggest reason for our 08 ascension and our 09 descension, CBill shot us out of too many games last year, its clear this year will be a baton-pass to Lawson. Sorry CBill, we tried.  

#3 Ty Lawson: -Really the only player I am excited for right now.
-Should be the break out player on this roster if he is given PT and doesn't have to fight for shots.

Clearly a year where Lawson is designated to step up, will be one of the few bright spots on an otherwise failing team. Excited to see him kill it but my expectations are suitably tempered.     

#4 K-Mart: -I have defended him in past years, and it looked like he turned a corner, but now I never want to see him wear a Nuggs uniform again. Your fucking contract has dragged around our neck for the last 7 years and now you have the audacity to demand an extension. If it weren't for your Hinderburg-esque contract we might have surrounded Melo with some big that could score rather than bigs who get Darrent Williams shot. I hope someone fucks you in Trina's lips on your neck.

-I don’t even know where the fuck to start, this is another nominee for the Chappelle household, voted most likely to charge the stands after getting heckled from the bench while wearing that college-professor brown blazer he stole from the Cherry Creek Goodwill. How does someone go from being responsible for back-to-back Finals appearances to "out-Grant Hilling" Grant Hill in the category named after GRANT FUCKING HILL??

#5 J.R. Smith: -You are fucking stupid. Grow the fuck up and understand how life and basketball work. Your talent is out of this world but so is your brain. You are playing your way into a role as AI's swingman teammate. Hope the Istanbullets have cap space left in three years.

So fed up with this team as a whole, I’m actually the LEAST pissed at JR compared to the rest of these fucks. Don’t get me wrong, I still got him ridin shotty in a future Denver Jail-Blazers esque arrest.

#6 Aaron Afflalo: -I almost forgot he was on the team. I got nothing bad to say. He should turn into a Bruce Bowen type player, but I'm sure it won't be with the Nuggets, as he is exactly the type of player we trade for pennies on the dollar only to watch them blow up elsewhere.

-Speaking of which, sure would be nice to have Marcus Camby right about now. 

 This is a horrible statement. Marcus Camby is a charter member of Sack's Hall of Hate, residing comfortably in the Jamie Carrol/[Name Redacted] Wing for players on my favorite team I despise (which will be a column coming soon. Also, just jotting down names like Diawara, Najera, Elson, etc. made me realize exactly why Carmelo Anthony hates playing basketball in Denver)

#7 Al Harrington: -"I'm Al Harrington and I get buckets" God, I'm excited to yell that. He hasn't been on the team long enough for me to hate him, but his shoot from the outside and no defense history is not really a combination that tends to win me over.

-Not a bad offseason pickup for the Nugs, should be interesting to watch fit in with what remains of the soon to be tattered Nugs offense. Could be a great addition, provided we keep him away from JR, Balkman, etc.

#11 Birdman: -Get healthy and stay out of the nose candy. You got lucky to get a second chance, don't fuck it up by being lazy. And stop getting hurt.

- At this point, the seasons so fucked I’m actually cheering for him to START doing coke again. The season’s shot, might as well make the implosion worthwhile. Plus, then we’d be able to violate his ass back to jail and recoup our 4 mil from his (no longer) feel-good story havin ass.   

#15 Carmelo Anthony: If you really want out, just man up and say it. This "he said-she said" behind the curtain bullshit is fucking weak. Look, your wife has your balls and you want to go back East. Put your cards on the table and tell the Knicks to pony up. Convince them that whatever they offer for you is worth it. If you are the star that you have talked yourself up to be, a legit championship caliber player, then you should be fine. You don't have to dick Denver over in the process like your butt-buddy Bron.

-I slapped Kat Stacks and I want my money.

-Theres not enough space in this article for how much I hate this man. Most angering is the Melo apologists that have surrounded this insane combination of talent and apathy. Perhaps what annoys me the most about this grinning piece of shit is the way we as fans give ourselves and cities over to these basketball specimens.

Just once I want these basketball equivalents of male models to realize the elephant graveyard of every other “can’t tell me nothing” basketball star of the past few decades who is now standing in the welfare line like ODB in 95. Granted I was never too heavy into Melo-cocksucking, but the fact remains that he was the most talented, proven star that we have ever had on our team. He was OUR answer to Lebron, he was OUR permanent stake in the macro NBA media circus. And I can’t say we really got a lot in return. It is my sincere hope that the 2011 collapse of the league as we know it yields heavy playoff-incentive based contracts and the death of a superstar like this. I hate you Melo, I wish Shawn Kemp AND ‘Toine Walkers fate on you.

#23 Shelden Williams: - Does this mean we get dibs on his and Candice Parker's offspring. Because that is going to be a large ugly human. Man or woman, I think it would be better than any Denver big man.
-I thought he was like 35, but he graduated from Duke in 2007 and is only 25.

-“Who is ‘The guy who fucks the MJ of bitch ball,’ Alex.” 

 A. Notice that they are holding her jersey, not his.

B. That is gonna be a talllll asss babbbby.

#25 Anthony Carter: -How is he still around? And why? What kind of cruel world do we live in where AC is still employed to play gaurd in the NBA. Edy could post him up and hit turnaround jumpers over him all day. He couldn't even start for CSU. I will wager that he has more turnovers than baskets this season.

I will continue my AC apologist duties circa 2007 and cling to him as the one Nugget I truly love. We’ll need him to run the retard relief squad after the Melo trade and following a CBill 2 month injury, cuz its going to happen.

#31 Nene: -Another supremely gifted athlete who underachieves for the Nuggets. Maybe he would have more success with a big that actually can score (like Harrington can), but instead I bet Nene will play passive and get bullied by Pau Gasol. Edy def wins this argument from last year.

Every year I watch this dude telegraph the two post moves he has and then get stripped in the paint, I expect no less this year. The uniballer 2,0  has looked and played like shit for the past 3 years, in fact the only year he didn’t look like a complete liability was when Kmart and Camby were both in the rotation. I think its time we arrange to have him offed in the back room of Fogo de Chao, thus netting us 11.3 mil in cap space savings.

#32 Ronaldo Balkman: Why is he even on the roster? Oh, right, someone needs to carry weed. 

-Maybe George Karl will remember he exists this year, even if RB is so baked he isn't sure he exists.

Can we just hair drug follicle test this asshole and peace him already. I’m sick of his elsie the cow looking face and his general demeanor. Hate aside, should we decide to go for the Jail-blazer Award for the year, his, pusher man services may just be needed.

#34 Melvin Ely: There is an NBA player named Melvin? What is this, 1954 when blacks weren't allowed in the lower bowls of the arena? Get the fuck out.

This name sounds so old it brings to mind male-sounding pen names utilized by female writers of the past. I’m holding out hope this is Candace Parker’s own version of a pen-name, reverse Juwanna man style.  

George Karl: I do not understand why he is coaching this team. It is clear that Melo and K-Mart are not just metaphorical team cancers, but that exposure to them actually causes cancer. Think I'm hyperbolizing? Jim Boeheim at 'Cuse got cancer after Melo, three people in Bob Huggins family got cancer from K-Mart (Huggy Bear doesn't get cancer because his innards are just Jack Daniels and steal bolts at this point), Nene got the big C from them as well. Shit, George, you better know these guys are gonna be traded, because you've already had too much cancer.

Just learned he wants a long-term extension from the Nuggets. My, what a glutton for punishment you are. What, the daily doses of HULK-Gamma ray quality radiation wasn’t enough for you that you want to subject your sanity to conversations of PRAC-tice with JR, Pusherman Balkman, and Melo’s general disinterest? Get out while you can Georgie K.  

Adrian Dantley: I only include the big man for the fact that he lives in the same building with my buddy @LMCSU2008, who lives in Dantley's old apartment in the building I think and still gets his mail. They interact often, and he is nice enough to put AD's best comments on Twitter. Follow him just for that, but he was also kind enough to give me his favorite AD quotes and a breakdown of our apparent Coach in Waiting:

(AD said) "I was lookin for you in Utah, but I couldn't tell one Mormon from another" (then he laughed awkwardly hard at his own joke) or when he was all pissed during the Lakers conf finals and he said they 'Were gonna stomp them n----s out.' Then we got killed. 

Bottom line is he talks a lot of shit then let's everyone walk all over him when he gets in the spotlight

 Which, if you have followed the Nuggets, is pretty much our entire team does. Especially Melo in the Garden.

Who should we trade Melo for? I think the Italian from NY, a couple draft picks and one of the young bigs, terrible as they are in exchange for Melo and K-Mart would be great. Really, even just draft picks and expiring contracts work. We just gotta get something.

Every day closer to the trade deadline a little more of our trade leverage evaporates. I think I’d be happy for a anything at this point. The Derrick Favors and some number ones package seems more effective to me, allowing the Nuggets to survey the talent it does, or does not, have in what will essentially become a season of exhibition games. Operation NY WOP trade just seems like a grab bag of mediocrity to me. I wish we would have done this deal late last year when the Knicks had a few more players we would have liked a shot at (like David Lee) and giving us a different look at the 2010 free agency market.

Who gets arrested first? Rory, for slapping LaLa at their shared birthday party.

Seriously, I'm gonna go for Lawson for a nightclub altercation.

Birdman coke binge resulting in driving the wrong way down I-25 doing 90. Yeah, our teams so bad I’m wishing relapse on feel good stories.   

Season Prediction: This is what I will write next April:

So another Nuggets season ended with a loss in the first round to (circle one) Los Angeles/Oklahoma City. What a frustrating year. Some huge wins over LA and that classic 2OT battle with the Heat. A lot of disappointing losses like that 168-124 loss to Golden State. But at least JR scored 64 in that one, too bad Stephan Curry went for 80 and the equipment manager scored 14 in mop up duty since Golden State only dressed 6 players for the game. After (fill in the following names in some order; Birdman, Nene, K-Mart, Al Harrington)   __________ tore his ACL, the arrest of ________ for sexually assaulting a clown, ____________ came down with planters vaginosis and ___________ was suspended for his fight with the one of the Maloof brothers over gambling debts/white girl (real one)/white girl (cocaine)  the season was shot (which isn't a pun, sadly, as somehow Marvin Ely actually got shot. No one has bothered to check if he is alive). At least Chauncey gave it a good effort. It was just tough to play a some of those games 4-on-6 when Melo would decide to audition for another team, by literally playing for them. And big ups to David Stern for not giving a shit about any of this, saying  "Fuck off, Denver. You know the finals are going to be Heat/Lakers, unless Kobe gets busy with a flight attendent or something, again. I couldn't give a shit about any team not touching a beach. You too OKC, conference finals are as far as you will ever get. I got my best refs on it."

Why should I even bother watching NBA basketball in Denver for the next 10 years, knowing that 4 teams or so will be the only competitive teams? Denver will never get closer to the NBA promised land than last year. Why should I even watch? Really, help me. No, those reading this out there, all four of you, tell me why I should support this team anymore...(silence and crickets...and then it was silent some more)...No one? Fine.
 

During my intensive NBA betting days of old I used to look for 3 teams at the absolute top and bottom of the league to champion or pick on against the spread. I looked for teams so hopelessly shattered after an early to midseason trade that they couldn’t possibly reset themselves to zero without the aid of an offseason’s worth of free agent acquisitions or trades. We, ladies and genteleman, will become one of those teams so gutted and full of broken pieces that we will get beat by the spread night in and night out on the road (sometimes even at home). 

Watching the media’s general coverage of the Nuggets is like those scenes in gangster movies leading up to a big whack; everyone seems a little too calm, smiling just a little too big, trying a little too hard to make everything appear nice and tranquil. That’s fucking us, we’re Joe Pesci’s character in Goodfellas, we’ve had some good runs at the title as a crew, made a little money, fucked some groupie bitches, and now we’re about to get the death mark as a squad for seasons to come. 

When we look back on this era of the Nuggets, it will be bigot-ly referred to as “The head-band era” full of supremely gifted teams and heavy dosages of rationalization from the front office and the fans. The sad fact of the matter being that we had no choice but to go along with this all flash, no discipline team, it was all we had. Will we call it growth? Probably not, but I hope we do call it a lesson learned.  

“It’s time for a house meeting, I-iiiiight.” Chappelle show.

 

Sack, Edy & Dj Stringer Bell Discuss the NBA: Get Your Ice Cold Hatorade

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Everything I Know About Los Avalanches

I don't get to watch many Avs games, due to the fact that I do not live within the footprint of Altitude and I am far too poor to order Center Ice. Still, that doesn't mean I don't keep up on my boys in Burgandy and Blue ugly ass uniforms.

I avidly read Mile High Hockey and watch highlights, read Dater's bitter blogs and discuss games with my Fasha. And I am so excited to get back to CO this winter so I can watch this young, exciting team in the flesh (and on TV).

So without further aduex, I will now break down everything I know about the Avalanche, by going through the roster. Hint: I don't know a ton about most of these guys, so I might just make shit up.

Coach, Joe Sacco: His name sounds like Joe Sakic, which makes him really good. He should have won Coach of the Year last season, taking a turrible team that failed miserably under Tony Granato and turning them into a playoff team. I expect much of the same improvement this season (talking point sponsored by Coletastrophie).

He has hooked up with over 300 women in the Denver area who only slept with him because they thought he introduced himself as Joe Sakic.

#4 John-Michael Liles: Johnny is very popular, be it with the ladies that love him or other teams that seem to be interested in him. In fact, one of the few people not in love with him was coach Sacco, who benched JML several times last season. It was assumed his future might reside elsewhere this year, but he is off to a fantastic start this season, picking up a point in almost every game. He is the Avs best offensive threat amongst our defensemen, so losing him would be tough. If he could get a little better at not giving up shorthanded goals I think he will have a lovely season.

On a personal note, Liles has always been my favorite Av since a charity hockey game in Aspen in 2004 during the lockout. I was stationed behind the "Avs"bench for the game and all Johnny Hot Pockets did was make jokes about being hungover and yakking up Jaeger and Vodka. That is the easiest way into my heart.

#6 Jonas Halos: I think he is from Norway. He plays defense. His favorite food is Narwal.

#9 Matt Duchene: Otherwise known as Sakic 2.0. Okay, maybe that is a bit much to heap on the youngster, but for the Avs to be competitive for Stanley Cups in the next 10 years, he will have to be the engine that runs this team. He grew up an Avs fan and he should kill it.

Oh, and last season he just happened to put the Avs in the playoffs last year, as if it was preordained.



He is also just 19 years old.

#10 Kyle Cumiskey: For a long time I though he might be the son of Valerie Kamensky, but no. Still, he is maybe the fastest defensemen in the league. Also one of the smaller D-men. Would love to see the roadrunner score a few more goals and not get shoved around all season.

#11 Philippe Dupius: He plays forward and might be related to the Dupuis that plays for Pittsburgh. Or maybe not. Kinda looks like Zoolander. He once killed a man for spelling his first name with only one P.

#12 Kevin Porter: If he scores more goals than me this season I will consider it a success.

#18 Brandon Yip: Scored the game-winner against Detroit earlier this season. Elicited plenty of clever puns based on his last name (Yip-ee Kaye-Ya Motherfucker is my preferred one). He is of Chinese and Irish heritage, so that makes me want to nickname him "Drunken Master."

#19 Joe Sakic: Because he will always be on my Avs.

#21 Peter Forseberg: Again, not really, but he says he might be coming back again, so let's just keep a spot open.

#22 Scott Hannan: He is very hard to like. He kinda looks like a Hobbit. He was much better at hockey when he was allowed to rape players like Peter Forseberg in the pre-lockout years. Much like an offensive lineman, when he plays well you don't notice him, when he sucks it makes your eyes bleed.

He once shot a hockey puck at a goalie only to have it deflect into the stands killing his own mother. That previous sentence isn't true, but it makes it easier to understand his reluctance to shoot if you make yourself believe it.

#23 Milan Hedjuk: Old Mr. Reliable, he will score about 20 goals and put up over 50 points. With an iffy back and older legs, he won't near his early 2000s 50-goal plateau, but his lovely hands make this old Czech a threat to score on any loose puck. A great veteran to have on this young team. Plus he once got ticketed on Highway 82 outside Carbondale for driving 102mph, which is funny because I never got a speeding ticket and I sped down that road every day of my life.

Nasty Nate says he is due for a big year.

#25 Chris Stewart: He is big, fast, strong, good and nasty. That is the perfect combo for a power forward. He broke out last season and I don't think he is going to slow down. Like Yipper he is also one of the rare NHL players that isn't lily-white, which makes me love him 50% more. He is also just 22 years old.

#26 Paul Statsny: He would be a star if he had a little more sizzle, but Statsny is so silky vanilla that you can often miss out on the fact that he is the best player on the ice. His dad and uncles escaped from Communism to play for the Nordiques, making him another perfect fit to play for the Avs. He has been a stud for about 4 years and is only 24. God this team is young and awesome.

His acting in terrible Altitude commercials makes Keanu Reeves look emotive.

#27 Kyle Quincey: He is big and sometimes plays that way. Other times he plays big and pussy. This inconsistency is troubling. He needs to be solid this season if the Avs plan to take another step.

#28 David Koci: He is good at getting knocked out. David Anderson will outscore him this season. He is the reason people hate hockey.

#31 Peter Budaj: He is like that overweight girl that tantalizes you, that you think could always be super hot if she just got a little more confidence and lost a little weight. That at times almost looks good enough to date, but is much better off as a slumpbuster on nights no one is really paying attention. He is great to have as a back-up for the 10 games a year where Anderson doesn't want/need to play, but he will never be a starting NHL goalie.

#34 Daniel Winnik: A big grinder that we stole from the bankrupt Phoenixes. A good PK guy and a perfect 3rd/4th liner. Put in a couple big goals this year.

#37 Ryan O'Rielly: A second-round pick last year, no one expected him to make the team, but he became one of the Avs top defensive forwards last year. He is also 19. That means he was born in 1991. That is stupid young.

FUN FACT: There are only 13 players on the Avs roster older than me. HOLY SHIT I'M GONNA DIE SOON!

#39 TJ Galliardi: Young, tough, scrappy and exactly the kind of player that you have to have on a good team. Isn't excellent at any one thing, but is good at everything. He is awesome.

#41 Craig Anderson: He is everything to this team. With the number of pucks we let in on net and the open style we play, he needs to keep on playing great hockey or else we are fucked. Might be the best free agent pick-up ever to come to Colorado in any sport.

In one of his rare games on the bench last season he still faced 20 shots even though Budaj was in net. Teams just love shooting at him.

#44 Ryan Wilson: Kind of came from nowhere last year to become one of the biggest hitters in the NHL. Got some concussion problems, so hopefully he can recover because the Avs need his physical presence. He is fucking awesome to watch. And only 22.

# 52 Adam Foote: The old man keeps on keeping on. I don't know how, considering I am faster on skates and I can't even skate backwards, but he knows the angles and has that old man strength that can't be beat. So great having him around to teach our youngins how to play.

He actually doesn't have nose cartilage anymore, it is just Play-Dough and wire stuck up in there.

#54 David Jones: Another big, fast forward. He was having his breakout season last year until injury. If he stays healthy and produces it will be aweome. Plus we can make Davey Jones' Locker jokes. Harf harf.

#55 Cody McCleod: The Highlander is the perfect tough guy who still possesses a modicum of skill. He will fight often, hit people hard and stick up for teammates. One of those crazy, toothless cunts every team needs. Any goals he picks up are a bonus, but he will add about 10.

He east raw octopus every day to remain pissed off at Detroiters.

#88 Peter Mueller: I really don't know if he exists. I never saw him play for the Avs last season, but it seemed that he was involved in every goal for the 3 weeks or so he spent on the roster before gentlemanly Rob Blake concussed him with a dirty shot. He has a soft head, and got another one in the Avs first preseason game.

He is especially great on the power play and his point play is something that the Avs need desperately. When he returns and the Avs will fit him with one of Gazoo's helmets.

 

Prediction: Just writing about all these guys made me realize just how awesome this team is, and how awesome they will be. They are so young and talented. I feel that they should win the Northwest this year and win at least one playoff series. I know the Avs have struggled since the lockout and fan support has tailed off as well, but I think these Avs are capable of capturing Denver's attention again. They certainly have mine.

Top Songs of 2009

I'm not participating in any of this end-of-the-decade-list shit, but I will throw you my top songs of 2009, because, face it, you are all overly impressed by how awesome my taste in music is. I basically went through my top rated on Itunes and took the ten rap songs that I felt would make me remember 2009, specifically and then I added the five total songs of other genres that I downloaded. Join me after the jump if you care, and I know you do (Spoiler: Shockingly, no Rihanna) :

Sack and Edy discuss the NBA, Part II (finally) [Edy insults aplenty]

I welcome my readers to this preseason, first week semi early in the year NBA preview on Sackrilegious. Again, I welcome Mr. Trevor Edy to discuss the NBA (Remember this Nuggs Preview from about 2 months ago? Neither do I. Blame is on Edy, more on that later). I welcome him like you welcome Jehova's Witnesses into your house. Reminder: he speaks in Italics, because that is the way I imagine his French ancestors spoke. I speak in the noble font you know as normal.

This is a little all over the place, but is that really surprising in any way?  

When life gives you hate, make Haterade.

When prompted to write about the NBA by a friend, recycle jokes from freshman year. Glad you're bringing the A-game.


We need to give Ty Lawson some love: He is quick. Both Edy and I forgot to mention him during our Nuggets preview, and that was inexcusable. Again, I blame AC, whose suckiness melted my brain. A back-up point guard who comes in and changes the pace of the game, but in a good way. Egads! This does work better than a turnover machine.

Something we failed to address in the last post. Ty Lawson is going to have me saying “Is this real life????” (insert kid from dentist video) many times this season. He looks like a cross between Sherron Collins and Mateen Cleaves, but has game like Chris Paul, already. You know what this means, less minutes for AC-eeeeeeeeeee. AC can go take his green hummer and shove it up his ass… from the bench, of course.

Most hated player in the league: LeBron. I really seem to dislike him and the fact that everyone seems to love him. Ginobli is also up here, but the LeBron love gets to me. Guess what? That bitch hasn't won anything yet, but everyone keeps putting him up as the best player ever. He has barely done anything better than Melo and has achieved less than D-Wade. Plus, he is a fucking dick.

Not shaking hands after the loss to the Magic is a total bitch move. You lost to a better TEAM, give them some respect. Don't run off and refuse to talk about it. You want to be the highest paid athlete ever and you constantly appear in TV commercials hawking car insurance or some other dumb shit, annoying the piss out of me, but when things go bad you hide. It doesn't work that way Bron-Bron. You gotta take the good with the bad.

Crab-Dribble, what the fuck are you on? Delonte West even thinks that was stupid. 

Such a bitch. A 6'9" 250-pound man, who, as far as I recall, has never been called for a charge, despite flying to the basket like Brian Dawkins after a receiver. Always bitching about the refs. It makes me sick. I want to be able to cheer for you, being such a freak-of-nature and arguably the most athletic person on the planet, but you are too conceited for me, which is really saying something.  

Two words: Sasha Vujacic. Two more words: Douche Bag. If you don’t agree with me on this, well… fuck you. This guy might as well wear a giant pussy on his face. I can just see him doing an ‘Always’ pad commercial telling women to “have a happy period.” This is not out of the realm of possibility.  

Quick game: Which of these pictures is actually Trevor Edy, and not some douchebag? Answer below. 

Trevor, on Facebook, dubbed me the Sasha Vujacic of his friend's circle. That is the most fucked up thing anyone has ever said to me. Trevor could abort my baby from the womb of Betty Draper and I would not be as upset at him as I am over that slight.

He later recanted a bit, to say that "If my circle of friends was the Lakers, you would be Sasha." Oh, that is so much better. So then I called him the Luke Walton of my friend circle (in Laker terms), and also the Eric Byrnes overall in sports terms. Look at him: the abhorrent whiteness, the former long-flowing bleach blond locks, the fake hustle and, most of all, the shit-talking with absolutely nothing to back it up. If this blog takes some ugly swipes at Edy the rest of the way, remember that he called me Sasha Vagania-cic and you will understand my anger.

Plus, Edy was supposed to have this preview done weeks ago, but he is the biggest slacker since Kwame Brown. He even promised to work on it as a birthday present to me, and then didn't do shit. Cost me two weeks at least on this NBA preview because he "couldn't get his Bill Simmons on." Would the real Trevor Edy please separate stand up?  

Answer: All of the above are Douchebags. You're on thin ice as resident NBA expert, former-pal. 

All right, it is actually Edy in the middle, dressed as Aaron Carter for Halloween. On a related note, Mr. Edy, that is certainly a Man-Code violation. Your Man-Card has been suspended. 

Some good came out of this exchange, however: We decided that our Laker friend, Cartman Molloy, would obviously be Shannon Brown. According to a former Cavs and CSU staffer, Brown was the dumbest person he ever met. He would go on road trips and pack nothing but his warm-ups, meaning he had to wear a robe or jersey for most of the trip. 

Shannon Brown minus the really athleticism part. If the shoe fits. (Quote generated from Edy text messages). 

Favorite non-Nugget: I have Gilbert Arenas. He is my boy. Everything that I would want to be as a player. Quick. Quirky. A hard worker. Deadly jumper. One of the few guys in the league who can be a top-flight scorer and also be among league leaders in assists. He is bawse (/Tommy Joiner).  

Surprise team: Washington Wizards. Arenas is back. I watched some highlights, and that fucker is quick again. He isn't talking crazy shit either. The team has enough depth for anyone in the East, the young guys got time last year. Leadership from Antwan, Tuff Juice and Gil. Flip Saunders is a decent coach and will turn a 19 win team into at least the second round of the playoffs, pushing 50 wins. This is biased because I love the Bullets, but they are due. I think if they match up with the Cavs it is possible they shock them and force Bron out of Cleveland. The East is a crap shoot of overrated teams anyway.

*The Wiz have not really started out gangbusters, so this prediction looks really stupid. But Gil just brought back Agent Zero, and if you have ever watched a movie, you know the montage of winning is just around the corner. Right? 

You know that one girl at the party that you know is going to be either (a) passed out on the couch at the end of the night, (b) end up being part of a “Birmingham Booty Call,”or (c) telling everyone “I’m so classy” as her boob flies out of her tube top. You know one of these three things will happen, you just don’t know when. Just like, you know Arenas is going to get hurt, it might not be tomorrow or next week, but it WILL happen. The team will fold without him, just like they do every year. I think Flip Saunders is a great coach, but he is in a tough position. They have solid players, a good mix of crafty veterans and rising young stars, even have a leading candidate for my NBA first-team all-ugly, Mike Miller… and, uhhh, Sam Cassell (a perennial addition into the all-ugly team) is an Assistant Coach. I’m done here.   

He had knee surgery, it takes a couple years to come back from. It is the same injury as K-Mart, Amare and tons of other guys have had. Two years recovery, brother. Gilbert trained all offseason with Jordan's guy in Chicago. Barring someone rolling into his knee again, he will be fine. If we are going by your analogy, about girls at parties, he is the hot girl at the party who, for whatever stupid reason, ends up hooking up with a douchebag who treats her wrong. She loses confidence, gets out of the dating game for a while, but after some therapy and time to fix her life, she will come back into the game wiser and will make some guy's life (I imagine this is how Rihanna and I will end up together). That analogy was rough, but I still don't understand why I would want to talk on a cell phone that was up some chick's ass. Crazy Kappas. 

However, I think Houston is going to be a major surprise out of the Southwest division. In a recent win at Utah, they had eight guys in double figures. They are really an all around team with a good coach (Rick Adelman). Shane Battier, a guy that this blog has come to admire, was a +36 in the +/- that game. Pretty incredible in a 113-96 win.  

Houston is going to suck my balls. No playoffs. Sorry. T-Mac is their hope and it won't happen. They have bad ju-ju. If you think Gil is the girl about to lose her shit at the party, Houston is the sororstitute that have been drinking since noon, whose sole plan in life is to get pounded by someone cool. We all know how that ends: Mickeys and Blunts, your basement, Ronnie Aguilar and some poor little blond girl. Not a pretty sight, I must say: Houston will have a problem this year. 

No doubt in this category. Have to love OKC. What’s not to love? Kevin Durant is the future of the league. Plus, that Hyperize commercial slays me every time it comes on. 

I wanted you to write a preview ala Bill Simmons, not parrot him. But yeah, OKC really is the best choice. Fuck that Bawstahn fucktahd for stealing all the good talking points. 

Most hated Nuggs opponent that we haven't heard much about (and that you think the team would hate the most): More who we suspect will become a thorn in the Nuggets side. Like Russell Westbrook or OJ Mayo, after his 40 point blow up earlier this year. Like how Scott Hairston hits a bomb against the Rockies every fucking game, but sucks against everyone else. JJ Berrea is kinda like that. I gotta go with Trevor Ariza. Everyone gives Kobe credit, but Ariza was a straight punk last season to the Nuggs, fucking our shit up. He played Melo as well as anyone one-on-one (or as close to it as anyone does, because don't no one guard Melo one-on-one)...

"I don't really think it's possible to have a 'Melo stopper," Anthony said. "No team in the NBA will just let me play one-on-one against them. They just won't do it."

...and he managed to score enough points to piss me off. Now he is a Rocket. Awesome. With him and Battier the Rockets will piss Melo off enough that he might Kufi slap some more fools (ht: Rory). 

Going out on a limb here and saying Luke “Pretty Boy” Walton. He’s already been going back and forth with our man, Renaldo Balkman, in the early stages of the preseason. I see plenty of jawing in the future for these two. Obviously both teams have some beef to settle after last year’s playoff series. This will again be ignited this year. 

I hope to God that Balkman or someone smacks that Grateful Dead loving bitch in the face. If AC does it, he earns a reprieve from my hate. Do it A.C.

Will any NBA player challenge Ron-Ron Artest for Starbury Memorial Award and at what moment and how will Artest derail the Lakers? 1) Depending on what happens with this S-Jack situation, he could do some shit. Iverson could blow up Memphis (called it). T-Mac might injure himself in some creative way, like Houston the rapper/singer.

I think Artest takes a really bad T in close game, blowing a game that was about to be another classic Kobe-comeback. From then on the questions start and his play starts to slack. Either that or he becomes the first guy crazy enough to demand that Kobe get him the ball more, and in turn brawls with Kobe, finishing it by ripping the leg of a courtside table and impaling Kobe through the heart.

Why do I have Cleveland winning the championship this year?? Not Shaq, not LBJ.… Ladies and Gentlemen: Delonte West! He is a first-teamer on the NBA All-Neck Tattoo team. I was having a chat with one of my buddies and we were discussing the connection between stupid shit and neck tattoos. The correlation is uncanny. Guys in the L with neck tattoos: Starbury, Delonte, Kmart, Deshawn Stevenson, etc. (also see the “Uh, this is my one phone call, so don’t hang up” team) All guys who at anytime can be pulled over on his crotch rocket with a loaded shotgun (oops, that already happened) and you wouldn’t bat an eye.  It makes too much sense. And  that’s not even the most outrageous thing that Mr. West has done. Case and point. MR. WEST IS IN THE BUILDING! Anytime your young role player puts out a video like that, you have to know you’re going to be successful this season. …. We can build on this! 

The only thing that would make that video better is if Kanye West inturupted it somehow. "Excuse, Delonte West, but Starbury had the greatest meltdown on a webcam ever." Wow, that is glorious. 

As for Artest: I don’t see him being the defensive stopper he has been in the past. He just doesn’t fit in the Lakeshow system. Not really sure why they went and changed their chemistry to add a guy who has openly had a homophobic boy band love for their star player. “Mr. Mantrum ”will lose control and eventually cost LA an important game at some point. 

Will Blake Griffin ever play a game? Yes, only to rupture his ACL during the jumpball. 

Look for many top 10 plays from Mr. Griffin. Side note: ON PAPER, the Clippers are playoff contender. Baron, Eric Gordon, Al Thorton (whom I love), Kaman, Camby, the list goes on. This is like the dream video game team. Too bad for them, they don’t play the games on an 8.5 x 11. 

That is paper. Mixing your metaphors there young Edy. You also forgot to mention that Dunleavy is the coach. Doomed.  

Will Indiana cut Dauntay Jones before the end of the season? He is not white enough for that franchise. 

After watching just one game in which he played. I now know how the rest of the league felt last year. 

He is quite the dick. Maybe he can still do the Nuggs a favor and get Chris Paul suspended for another nutsack sucker punch.  

Player in the NBA who plays most like yourself:  Yao. I am really tall and have decent coordination for my size, but I should be tougher and I should be able to dominate more than I do. I also make dunking really difficult, when it shouldn't be at my height. Solid range to about 15 feet. Players a few inches shorter that are much quicker can own me. Fortunately, I am not a big pussy who is constantly hurt. Sadly, I am a full foot shorter. 

Andre Miller, excluding the fact he has the personality of a fish, this one is dead on. He’d rather back down a smaller PG, than take a contested 15 footer. A guy who looks to get his teammates involved first. This may cause problems in Portland, however. Both Andre Miller and Brandon Roy need the ball to thrive… only one ball.   

You would pick the whitest black man in the league. I think you play like A.C. You push the ball recklessly, have solid range in close but brick threes, but you hustle all over the place. IF I AM SASHA YOU ARE AC. SUCK ON THAT!   

Song that best desribes your Nuggets outlook this season: Don't Wake Me Up- Ya Boy ft. Knock the Hometown Hero. 

"I started off with them gangsta (people of color) that push and peddle, I Could have robbed some (suckus), could have shot some (Ninjas), but you did it first and look where it got you (sir), we set examples now, ball and watch these hampers pile full of checks, started in the West and world stamped it now, on top of the world, most the time on top of they girl, fuck the assumers, only idiots listen to rumors."

This sounds a lot like Melo, coming up from the hood and now he needs to realize that shit is expected of him. He can be the best in league, or at least he should be. Time to keep it going. Don't get involved in any of that dumb thug shit anymore.

"Sitting on top of the world, if my life's a dream, don't wake me up. I'm in magazines and I'm living it up. I'm on top of the world and I'm blowing up, don't wake me up."

The way the Nuggs played last year and started this season, I am pretty stoked. I don't want them to fall off, I want this to continue. If last season was our dream season, I don't want to see this season turn into a reality where we suck again, and aren't fun to watch.

"Tell them haters to pipe down."

Prognosticators picking us to fall off, fuck them. Only idiots listen to rumors, or Tim Legler.

"I'm on my grind, if you not on my level get left behind, take a look up and see where I'm at (Sitting on top of the world)" 

Other players on the team need to realize that Melo and Chauncey can take them to the top, but they have to step up their level as well. Too much last year, as we choked against the Lakers, it was just Melo and Chauncey, taking on all five Lakers. Odom, Pau, Ariza and even fucktarded Shannon Brown made big plays. No one on the Nuggs stepped up. That needs to change. 

“We Ready” By Archie… I think they are ready this year. They will constantly be the “Nobody believed in us except the guys in this locker room” team.  

Keith Burns thinks this song is very 1999.  

Song that best describes the state of the league: Three blind mice, because of the refs. Get it? 

Anything by LMFAO and that LOL (Smiley Face) song by Trey Songz… ever since athletes have been exposed to twitter they all of a sudden feel obligated to tweet like a 12-year-old girl in a chat room who just received another “300 more hours free” AOL CD in the mail. The NBA: Where LMFAO! and LOL! happens.   

LMFAO is the tits. Don't dog them. But yes, the smiley face song is perfect for the NBA. Every time that comes on in the club I want to strangle the fucking DJ. Edy wins this penultimate section. 

Random Notes: Side note #879 – Our GM came out with this… http://espn.go.com/blog/truehoop/post/_/id/10155/mark-warkentiens-play-in-tournament … This is why we love the Nuggets, among other things.  

Our GM should stick to finding a big man so Nene can play the four. 

Predictions: Trevor/Matt

Eastern Southwest: Miami/Orlando

Central: Cleveland/Cleveland

Atlantic: Boston/Boston

Western Southwest: Houston/San Antonio

Northwest: Denver/Denver

Pacific: Los Angeles Lakers/LA Lakers

Eastern Conference Champ: Cleveland/Boston

Western Conference Champ: LA Lakers/San Antonio

NBA Champs: Cleveland/San Antonio 

Most Valuable Player: Lebron James/Lebron

Rookie of the Year: Brandon Jennings/DeJuan Blair

Defensive Player of the Year: Dwight Howard/Dwight Howard (even if Battier deserves it)

6th Man: Rasheed Wallace/Jason Terry

Most Improved Player: Emeka Okafor/Greg Oden (which big man will suck less)

Surprise Team: Houston/Washington

Surprise Player: Ramon Sessions/Anthony Randolph

Disappointing Team: Dallas/New Orleans