Awwww Shizzle. Coming off Monday's Super Awesome Snooki episode, Jersey Shore season 3 is hitting it's stride. And soon Sammi is gonna sock Ronald. Can't. Fucking. Wait.
Without further adieu, your Jersey Shore Study Guido:
-The gang starts off the episode by going to bail out the Snooki. Shockingly, she is actually at the jail and hadn't been transfered to an animal shelter.
-"I'm G now. Don't fuck with me." -Snooks.
She then calls her "psycho" dad to tell him that she has been arrested, and he seems pretty calm, like "You got arrested, for public drunkeness again?"
Then she decides to act like it isn't a big deal, which kinda pisses him the fuck off. So he threatens to come down there in his big truck and pick her up if she does it again. And then ground her, and "there will be no more hanging out with those troublemaking friends, missy, you hear me. One MORE TIME you get arrested for being a whore in public while slobberingly drunk and you are in trouble."
How the fuck old is she? Answer: 23, which is about 5 years too old for a parent to threaten this. Maybe her pops is realizing how terrible of a job he did raising this monkey-person and is trying to fix it. It's gone too far.
-Snooks and Jenny talk it out, and instead of realizing that tiny people shouldn't be allowed to drink all day (or drive cars for that matter) they blame all her problems on the fact that she is single. Because single people can't be happy, and people in relationships never drink to excess.
While talking about finding relationships that are meaningful, Snooks is wearing a hat that says, "Sometimes you feel like a slut..."
-"Vinny, Pauly, this is my perfect man. What's your name again?" -Deena, while introducing Ronnie2 to the boys.
It is scary how much he looks like the OG Ronnie, especially when he does the "I Can't Feel My Face" move (it is amazing how much everyone looks alike when they cover their face with their hand and wave it back and forth. For a second I thought he was Obama).
-The boys bring Ronnie2 (actual name, Dean, so we have Dean & Deena hooking up, okay) home and plan to sneak him into bed with Sammi, to see her reaction. As they get into the room, Ronnie is alerted to the fact that there is an impostor him, and just goes, "Is it Dean?"
Then they move on...What? How the fuck did he know him? Is Guido-side that small? Are they brothers? Cousins? THIS IS THE WHOLE REASON FOR INTERVIEWS AFTER THE FACT! What good are you, producers? (Unless, of course, this was all set up ahead of time and the producers couldn't risk letting us all know it is a facade)
ALERT: After watching the internet post-show, it is announced that Ronni met Dean at a bar previously and "chubby-Ron," as OG calls him, sorta hit on Ronnie and it is bandied about that he hooked up with Deana to get closer to Ron. Don't worry baby birds, I'll sort through all the shit that is MTV programming to find these nuggets of golden info.
-Ron also points out that Dean has a girlfriend named Sam, just like himself. Seconds later, Dean goes hotubbing and snuggles with D-Na and announces he "is as single as can be." When D-Na finds out the next manana that he is not, she really couldn't give a shit. Good girl.
-Vinny and Pauly have a tremendous riff about fake-Ronnie cheating on Sam, and if they should write an anonymous letter with big words and poor legalese. Please give them more airtime, they make the show.
Ronnie later tries to make the same letter joke in regards to J-Woww, but it is bitter and stupid, much like Ronnie this season.
-"I think Pinot is okay, because pregnant girls drink it." -Snooki, on whether she should stop drinking...the day after she already went out drinking.
-Though it was an obvious Flip Camera commercial inside the episode, Pauly voicing Snook's Puff and J-Woww's tits was pretty hilarious.
-"I might have to double-panty it tonight because it might get bad." -Snooks, on her new gorilla, Nick the Mick (they make it so damn easy with the names on this show). I assumed she was taking precaution because of the "Wet, wet that fuck up the sheets" aka Cooter Juice, but then she says that she poops whenever she gets excited...which comes full-circle to my surprise about the jail/shelter situation earlier.
-It appears Nick the Mick has a "La Familia" tramp-stamp. Whuck? He does throw it to Snooks, upping our hook-up total to maybe two for the show (D-Na's is up for further review at the moment, we'll have final judgment at the conclusion of the blog).
-"Roger that." Pauly, while Jenny is breaking up with Tom-Tawm and failing to mention her new beau.
-J-Woww forgets her anniversary. J-Woww is a bitch that doesn't call and then chews out her boyfriend when they do talk. J-Woww goes on multiple dates with another dude. J-Woww breaks up with Taw-Me over the phone. Taw-Me responds by stealing some her shit and locking her dogs up safely in the house.
Rational human response: "I probably deserved that."
J-Woww response: "I didn't deserve any of this."
Props to fucking Tommy from Quinzee, going out with a fucking bang. I'm sure he's spend tons on that whore (and was her manager that she tried to stiff after getting stuffed by another dude), so might as well steal random shit like beds, watches, hard drives and money, especially when the bitch was dumb enough to break it off with you WHILE you were living at her house alone and had access to bank accounts.
Though I wish he would have skinned the dogs alive and hung their pelts on the door or something equally as vile to really fuck up the J-Wowzer.
-J-Woww claims Tawme was a really dick to her off camera, causing the break-up and her breakdown (according to the post-show), but I think she was the most upset with the realization that on said hard drive were the naked pics, pre-tit jobs.
Bed-Post Notches: Snooki- 1, which I'm sure will relive Vinny and Seabiscuit.
Upon futher review, I will give D-Na a notch, as I assume fake-Ronnie plowed a couple fingers in there. No golden ticket, but we'll give her a break.
MVG: A tight race, as Snooki was on her game as always and I really wanted to give it to RonalDean-O (get it?), but he only had like 3 minutes of airtime. In the end, through all the yelling, cheating, bitching, and even setting-up Snookers, J-Woww was the star of this episode. Totally clinched in the final minutes, during her confessional interview in which she had tear stains all the way down to her boobs, leading to Arab Money assume that tears were shredding her fake-baked skin.
(Props to Arab Money for the photo)
Next Week: Sammi punches Ronni. Sammi punches Ronni. OHHHH YAAAAA. And if things go according to plan, Arab Money and I will be getting epically shitfaced for this momentous occasion in downtown Denver. All those within a five-mile radius, I invite you to join in, as you are probably gonna die in the resulting carnage that we create anyway. Might as well fist-pump first.
More details to follow as we hope to see this face again.
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