Jersey Shore Hook-UPS: Season 3, Episodes 10-Reunion Super Deluxe Edition

So, it would appear that I took a little time off from the whole blog thing. Or I died. Fortunetly it is only the former. So I'm back, back from a Vegas vacation, the NCAA Tournament, time spent job hunting (and the crippling depression resulting from failure in said endeavor), from banging randos and losing my phone, yes back from all of that to jump headlong into like 4 Shore episodes and then get cracking on some actual sports crap.

This recap will tread a little lighter on the quotes and focus more on general snarkiness at "pivotal moments."

Episode 10: Cheese
Synopsis: Ronnie comes out like a Stage 5 clinger, following dumbass Sammy around like a lost puppy. "We're done," she says over and over, but Ronnie doesn't understand what this means, much in the same way professional athletes and toddlers don't understand what no means. It means no.


-The plumbers finally come (Snooki thinks the fat one is hot) and are surprised that they don't have maggots (but can maggots get maggots?) and are surprised to find that someone (aka Vincenzo) flushed a wifebeater down the drain. Why would someone do that? Who the fuck knows?

The meatballs give Mike a cheese bed, which causes him to not bang some girl due to her stank box, but he does let her give him head. We then get a nice PSA message to let everyone know that you can get STD's from oral sex, which Mikey apparently didn't know. You know how football players are donating their mashed up brains to science so we can learn more about the extreme damage that concussions cause? Well, I really hope Sitch donates his penis, so we can learn to fight the superHerps that are growing on his member.

Quote of the Night: "Wanna see my dwuck-phwone?" -Pauly D, to some whore.

Hook-Ups: Vinny- 2 (which pisses off Snooki), PaulyD- 1, Mike- 1.

Most Valuable Guido: Situation, because THE MORE YOU KNOW!

Episode 11: Gym, Tan, Find Out Who Sam is Texting (clever fucking title):
Highlights: The Situation let's dogs shit all over the place, which is the biggest cry for attention at all time. Not a funny prank.

-Vinny takes Pauly home to meet la familia. Those guys are really taking their bromance to a new level. Sam pumps the breaks on Ron-Ron.

-Vinny turns himself black, which is really is true race. On the way back Roger does "the dip," pissing off J-Woww. Ronnie immediately comes up with excuses for Rod-Gah, and Sammy does the perfect victim routine by agreeing.

-There is a water balloon fight. It is actually entertaining.

-Could someone please edit these episodes without Ronnie and Sammi in them? I would pay like $10/episode.

-I love that they spread the rumor all around the group before telling Sammi or Ron. It's like they learned nothing from Miami. Oh wait, I'm sure they didn't.

Quote of the Night: "If this relationship continues, I'll kill myself." -Pauly D, stating the nation's thoughts exactly.

Hook-Ups: Snooki- 1, Pauly D: 1 (kinda off camera).

Most Valuable Guido: The fucking dogs, God what a shitty episode.

Episode 12: A House Divided
Synopsis: Pauly holds Vin's hand while he gets his ears pierced. Really this is getting out of control.

-Jenny confirms that guys who ride Harleys or drive big cars have small penises.

-The stalker shows up to get more abuse from Pauly. I hope she shows up in Italy.

-Ron and Sam smush. Sun rises. Bird fly. They will fight later. They are the Pittsburgh Pirates of relationships.

-Vinny gets gangster. Shits all over some grenades, Snookers and then Sammi. Kinda acting like a doucher, but dumb shit happens when you're drunk and cockblocked.

Quote(s) of the Night: "Can you give her a ride now?" -Pauly "Can you give her a ride later?" -Vinny. Wowwww, that is cold blooded.

"All right, come on Snooki." -Gangster Vincenzo.

Hook-Ups: Off-Camera hook-ups for Vinny & Pauly, apparently.

Most Valuable Guido: Vinny. The kid was out of fucking control.

Episode 13: At the End of the Day
Synopsis: J-Woww's dad needs his own reality show. What makes that guy tick? How did he end up with a daughter like J-Dubs? Is he a famous musician? Artist? Pedophile?

-Deena busts out a whole lotta blockage of Vin's cock. He gets really bitchy. I really can't place much blame on Deena here. She gotta protect both her friends, but again, she should really stop having whorey friends if them being whores causes problems.

And Vinny really crossed the line with the Angelina dig.

-Say what you want about Mikey's rabble-rousing and underhandedness, but that kid is always the shoulder that Ronnie ends up crying onto, always the guy that is there for the hard times. Sure, he probably caused it, but he'll help get you out of it. Probably not because he likes you, but at least he'll be on camera.

-Ronnie again repeats his mantra of not falling in love at the Shore, but maybe he should stop looking at the same dumb whore for love?

Quote of the Night: "That rug is a symbol for Ron and Sam's relationship." -Mikey, pointing to the shit and piss covered centerpiece of the lovely Shore house.

Hook-Ups: I don't think anyone got a new one in.

Most Valuable Guido: Jenny's father.

Reunion: 
Synopsis: Vinny and Pauly are indeed getting married. Who says you can't find true love on a reality TV show?

-We discover that clearly Mike loves to have sex with himself and he struggles to work a bra. He also doesn't know how condoms work. And he made $5 million last year. I made about $15,000. Life is unfair.

-It is a Snitchuation Nation. I'm surprised he hasn't jumped on the chance to start a TMZ style gossip site.

-Deena totally liks assholes.

-"You still get a little emotional about this." -Stupid Joliesa the host, to Ron and Sam. Gee, you fucking think?

"You should make out." Pauly.

-Wait, MTV is just randomly throwing a Spanish Tylenol commercial at me? As if I wasn't embarrassed enough to watch this show.

Most Hook-Ups: Vinny with 7*. Congrats, but do to MTV's shitty editing we missed several

Guido of the Year: Vinny. From most bedpost notches, to fucking with Snookers, to his escalating bromance, to his non-stop sarcastic humor, Vinny was just on point this season. He just barely edges out Pauly, and basically they will share the award, like they share everything.

Honorable Mention: The Situation, just for his Trump Roast bomb.

LVG: Ron, for crying like a bitch in a record 15 straight episodes.

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 3, Episode 4 Free Snooki

Awwww Shizzle. Coming off Monday's Super Awesome Snooki episode, Jersey Shore season 3 is hitting it's stride. And soon Sammi is gonna sock Ronald. Can't. Fucking. Wait.

Without further adieu, your Jersey Shore Study Guido:

-The gang starts off the episode by going to bail out the Snooki. Shockingly, she is actually at the jail and hadn't been transfered to an animal shelter.

-"I'm G now. Don't fuck with me." -Snooks.

She then calls her "psycho" dad to tell him that she has been arrested, and he seems pretty calm, like "You got arrested, for public drunkeness again?"

Then she decides to act like it isn't a big deal, which kinda pisses him the fuck off. So he threatens to come down there in his big truck and pick her up if she does it again. And then ground her, and "there will be no more hanging out with those troublemaking friends, missy, you hear me. One MORE TIME you get arrested for being a whore in public while slobberingly drunk and you are in trouble."

How the fuck old is she? Answer: 23, which is about 5 years too old for a parent to threaten this. Maybe her pops is realizing how terrible of a job he did raising this monkey-person and is trying to fix it. It's gone too far.

-Snooks and Jenny talk it out, and instead of realizing that tiny people shouldn't be allowed to drink all day (or drive cars for that matter) they blame all her problems on the fact that she is single. Because single people can't be happy, and people in relationships never drink to excess.

While talking about finding relationships that are meaningful, Snooks is wearing a hat that says, "Sometimes you feel like a slut..."

-"Vinny, Pauly, this is my perfect man. What's your name again?" -Deena, while introducing Ronnie2 to the boys.

It is scary how much he looks like the OG Ronnie, especially when he does the "I Can't Feel My Face" move (it is amazing how much everyone looks alike when they cover their face with their hand and wave it back and forth. For a second I thought he was Obama).

-The boys bring Ronnie2 (actual name, Dean, so we have Dean & Deena hooking up, okay) home and plan to sneak him into bed with Sammi, to see her reaction. As they get into the room, Ronnie is alerted to the fact that there is an impostor him, and just goes, "Is it Dean?"

Then they move on...What? How the fuck did he know him? Is Guido-side that small? Are they brothers? Cousins? THIS IS THE WHOLE REASON FOR INTERVIEWS AFTER THE FACT! What good are you, producers? (Unless, of course, this was all set up ahead of time and the producers couldn't risk letting us all know it is a facade)

ALERT: After watching the internet post-show, it is announced that Ronni met Dean at a bar previously and "chubby-Ron," as OG calls him, sorta hit on Ronnie and it is bandied about that he hooked up with Deana to get closer to Ron. Don't worry baby birds, I'll sort through all the shit that is MTV programming to find these nuggets of golden info.

-Ron also points out that Dean has a girlfriend named Sam, just like himself. Seconds later, Dean goes hotubbing and snuggles with D-Na and announces he "is as single as can be." When D-Na finds out the next manana that he is not, she really couldn't give a shit. Good girl.

-Vinny and Pauly have a tremendous riff about fake-Ronnie cheating on Sam, and if they should write an anonymous letter with big words and poor legalese. Please give them more airtime, they make the show.

Ronnie later tries to make the same letter joke in regards to J-Woww, but it is bitter and stupid, much like Ronnie this season.

-"I think Pinot is okay, because pregnant girls drink it." -Snooki, on whether she should stop drinking...the day after she already went out drinking.

-Though it was an obvious Flip Camera commercial inside the episode, Pauly voicing Snook's Puff and J-Woww's tits was pretty hilarious.

-"I might have to double-panty it tonight because it might get bad." -Snooks, on her new gorilla, Nick the Mick (they make it so damn easy with the names on this show). I assumed she was taking precaution because of the "Wet, wet that fuck up the sheets" aka Cooter Juice, but then she says that she poops whenever she gets excited...which comes full-circle to my surprise about the jail/shelter situation earlier.

-It appears Nick the Mick has a "La Familia" tramp-stamp. Whuck? He does throw it to Snooks, upping our hook-up total to maybe two for the show (D-Na's is up for further review at the moment, we'll have final judgment at the conclusion of the blog).

-"Roger that." Pauly, while Jenny is breaking up with Tom-Tawm and failing to mention her new beau. 

-J-Woww forgets her anniversary. J-Woww is a bitch that doesn't call and then chews out her boyfriend when they do talk. J-Woww goes on multiple dates with another dude. J-Woww breaks up with Taw-Me over the phone. Taw-Me responds by stealing some her shit and locking her dogs up safely in the house.

Rational human response: "I probably deserved that."

J-Woww response: "I didn't deserve any of this."

Props to fucking Tommy from Quinzee, going out with a fucking bang. I'm sure he's spend tons on that whore (and was her manager that she tried to stiff after getting stuffed by another dude), so might as well steal random shit like beds, watches, hard drives and money, especially when the bitch was dumb enough to break it off with you WHILE you were living at her house alone and had access to bank accounts.

Though I wish he would have skinned the dogs alive and hung their pelts on the door or something equally as vile to really fuck up the J-Wowzer.

-J-Woww claims Tawme was a really dick to her off camera, causing the break-up and her breakdown (according to the post-show), but I think she was the most upset with the realization that on said hard drive were the naked pics, pre-tit jobs.


Bed-Post Notches: Snooki- 1, which I'm sure will relive Vinny and Seabiscuit.

Upon futher review, I will give D-Na a notch, as I assume fake-Ronnie plowed a couple fingers in there. No golden ticket, but we'll give her a break.

MVG: A tight race, as Snooki was on her game as always and I really wanted to give it to RonalDean-O (get it?), but he only had like 3 minutes of airtime. In the end, through all the yelling, cheating, bitching, and even setting-up Snookers, J-Woww was the star of this episode. Totally clinched in the final minutes, during her confessional interview in which she had tear stains all the way down to her boobs, leading to Arab Money assume that tears were shredding her fake-baked skin.

(Props to Arab Money for the photo)

Next Week: Sammi punches Ronni. Sammi punches Ronni. OHHHH YAAAAA. And if things go according to plan, Arab Money and I will be getting epically shitfaced for this momentous occasion in downtown Denver. All those within a five-mile radius, I invite you to join in, as you are probably gonna die in the resulting carnage that we create anyway.  Might as well fist-pump first.

More details to follow as we hope to see this face again.

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Season 3, Episode 3 (*or S 2, Ep 16)

First, we will start off with some housekeeping; MTV has decided that this is currently still Season 2 of Jersey Shore, which is more retarded than this Skins show looks. I refuse to fully adapt, because this is clearly the third season and in no way should be compared in any way to the weakness that was Miami. Plus, you can't change a cast midseason, it just makes no damn sense.

Allright, that nonsense aside, we can begin to delve into this epic episode, which was everything that the last episode wasn't. I really think this was the original second episode, but MTV really wanted to honor MLK with a super episode (certainly not a business decision to stretch out the season), so they rushed to fill last Thursday with some bullshit. And honor MLK they did, even discussing black people a little. He must be so proud:

-Sam and Ron open the show bitching at each other because Sammi's twisted ass logic that somehow Ronnie has cheated on her again, despite the fact they haven't been separate for more than 6 seconds all season.

Yet, in the midst of this madness, Sammi suddenly has a breakthrough, realizing that she has to make herself happy, forgive the other girls and move on from the past. Holy fucking shit where the fuck did that come from? She almost seemed human.

-"I think I'm gonna eat this potato," Snooki, whilst taking a giant bite of a raw (can potatos be raw?). "Say you are stuck in a cornfield, it's not that bad." Because cornfields are full of potatoes, and places you often get stuck.

-"Tonight I want to touch dick, so why not Vinny's?" -Snooki, who is on the hunt for Seabiscuit, Vinny's cock. That is a solid nickname, no d'Artagnan or Kane Savage as some buddies of mine have dubbed their's. The whole riding theme makes sense, but Seabiscuit was undersized if I remember correctly.

-"Every guy has a dream of being with two girls at once, but not necessarily with Snooki and Deena." -Sitch, whose dream goes poof when Snooki goes chasing after the illusive Seabiscuit again.

Left alone with Deena, Situation asks, " Did you shower?" and then use the Kitchen Ditchem routine to escape. Crafty.

On the post-show, D-Na says she wasn't trying to "Do sex." Ignoring the awkward grammar, Kenny of Challenge fame rebuttles "That's a load of shit." I love Kenny.

-Meanwhile, on the other side of town, Snooki gets booted by Vinny for the second time, so she goes to complain to Jennay, who tells Snook that Vinny won't because he cares for her (and because her vodka breath makes him impotent).

Counterpoint, Snooki: "Well, stop caring and fuck me, man."

It is quickly becoming apparent that Snooki is actually turning into her South Park portrayal. I anticipate soon she will dry hump a child on the show and literally snarl, "Snooki want Smush-Smush."

-During a commercial break I broached the topic of which cast member would end up on Celebrity Rehab first to Arab Money, who was my co-pilot for this episode. He quickly countered that they will all be on Celebrity Rehab: Jersey Shore, as after their 15 minutes of fame end MTV will just wait a couple months, bump them onto VH1 and continue to rake in the cash.

-MLK Content of Character Moment: Snook and Pauly D go GT, and prior to the tanning Snooki declares that Pauly is clearly black because he is darker than her. Desperate to catch up, Snooki puts on too much lotion, which causes her ass to itch and burn. To ease the discomfort, she then sits in a mini-fridge bare assed, and must have just ate whole wheel of cheese, because she threatens to Baxter in the fridge.

-"You didn't do anything lately." -Mikey, in support of Ronald, who is clearly confused as to why Sammi is mad at him. Besides that she is a crazy bitch and you played her like a fool last season.

Plus, as Arab Money pointed out, if you are getting relationship advice from the Situation, you are fucked.

-"I need a mind condom because I am getting (dramatic pause) MIND FUCKED!" -Ronaldo. This isn't a stupid comment, because it is well known that the proper term for a prophylactic is a pussy condom, because you wear it when you are getting pussy fucked. There is no such thing as a butt condom, because Scientologists have proven that you don't need a condom for buttfucking. /copied verbatum from Snooki's upcoming book It's Just Like The Show, But You're Reading It
  
-Ron was like "What'd I do?"
Sammi was like, "What'd you do?"
This repeated for a while.
Then Ron was like, "Bitch, I'm done with this."
And Sammi was like:

And the announcer was like, "Whoa, bitter beer face."
And Arab Money was like, "Maybe Sammy will commit suicide this season!"
And I was all like: "OHHH YAAAAA!"

-Sammi apologizes to Snookers at work in a very emotional scene, all the while Pauly D is looking at his watch waiting for "All this girl talk" to end. I like Girl Talk, personally.

-Finally, the boners head out to the club, where they all promptly run into old flames (which is not at all scripted). And all of these old flames look 50% more attractive than last season, making me think they took their appearance fees straight to plastic surgeons.

Mikey's girl literally starts out wearing a halo, but once she is hanging out with him she switches to devil horns. Too subtle?

Jenny runs into an old flame, who then gets cockblocked by the fat bitch friend of Mikey's girl. How her fugly ass got into the club is beside me, bouncers certainly not doing their job.

Pauly sees his Jew stalker, who throws a drink at his head and then punches a camera after being kicked out of the club. I like 'em feisty.

-Snooki and J-Woww "sneak up" to the closed, VIP section along with the camera crew to party by themselves. Jenny decides she has to tinkle, but she is unable to walk down stairs to the open toilets where the filthy commoners dwell, so she goes behind the bar and pisses down the drain on the floor.

"I watered it down, it doesn't smell anymore."

-Vinny gets it in, Pauly's girl bitches out so he goes sleepy and Mike decides he needs food before sex. Ronnie can't understand the concept of defrosting turkey burgers, so he hucks about 30 of them on the grill at once.

-"Ronnie has two laughs, a quiet one like a schoolgirl, and one like a dolphin on steroids." -Vinny, as he and Ron have moment, made possible by Vinny's chica leaving posthaste after getting banged out.

-"I'm going to pee." -Schnookers.
"No you aren't, you are going to funnel a beer."-Danny, the suddenly more Guido store owner.
"This isn't law school, it's a t-shirt shop." -Snooks, who showed up to work wearing a poncho and dress from the night before.

-Instead of getting coffee, an unattended Snooki takes shots, sneaks beers, attempts to spice up the sex lives of old folks, and finally decides to headbutt the beach. Despite the "best attempts" of Deena and J-Woww to save her, her lack of walking ability and NWA-esque contempt for cops equals jail and likely a very special intervention next episode.

Smush-Smush.


Bed Post Notches: Vinny gets one, bringing his total to 2.
Mike gets on the board.
Pauly, get your shit together.

MVG: Snooki just dominated this episode, in perhaps the finest reality show performance of all-time. The drinking, the dick-seeking, the fridge-shitting and the sublime sand-diving show such a diverse skill set that she brought back memories of a young Bruce Jenner winning the decathlon in 1976 Olympics. And based on the children on his TV show, for all we know she could be one of his bastard kids. Circle of life.

Next Week Thursday: We find out that there are two Ronnie's, which somehow Ron will use to explain away his behavior in Miami. Speaking of which, I thought General Hospital and Days of Our Lives had a trademark on the whole long, lost twin storyline. Get more creative MTV.