Chargers Hatin' Vol. 2: Better get to know the Supercockbags

Oh boy, we got a teaser yesterday of my hatred for the San Diego Superchargers, as that goddamn awful song calls them. Yes, I alluded to the players, but today I get to really go after them. So buckle up and watch your ass for Merriman, because he's going to be looking for someone to rape after reading this (because he fucking loves Twitter, and I am throwing this up on Twitter. Tweet war, holler).

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"Billy Mays here!!!! Hey, are you tired of only getting Matt's awesome opinions once or twice a day here on this blog, and afraid you might miss out on his Facebook updates because some stupid bitch is clogging your wall with "Which Sex and the City Character AM I, LOL?" quizzes (Answer: You would be the fat one that the girls on the show ditch and therefore isn't on the show at all, because NO ONE WANTS TO HANG OUT WITH YOU. Why am I even your Facebook friend again? That is it, defriended...Sorry, /rant)? 

Well then, come on down to Twitter and follow Messiahthadon so he can send his opinions to you all day, straight to your phone if you like. 

Check out this satisfied customer: 

Hi, I'm Trevor. @Messiahthadon is the best. Such a Hilarious Hernandez, that guy. Even more offensive than the WAC. If I didn't follow him, I'd have to swagger jack @the_real_pat, and no one wants to do that. I mean, Pat swagger jacks Steve Nash. Pretty gay, right? P.S. ThaDon earns more than I do.

Wow, thanks Trevor. Yet another satisfied customer. Again that is Messiahthadon. And if you aren't on Twitter, get with the program. How else would you follow the progress of #balloonboy all day, by watching CNN? This isn't 1994, get with the program."

I thought it was bad when Ice Cube made a Raiders song, but the Chargers topped that with, are you ready? Actually you are not. Before I say who sings this Chargers song, you need to make sure you have a spotter nearby, kinda like with auto-erotic asphyxiation.

All right. It is Tila Tequialla. Haha, that was a joke.

This isn't a joke; it is POD. What, was fucking Creed busy? The only thing worse would be those fags from The Fray making a Broncos song. (OH MY GOD! quickly checks Youtube to make sure this isn't true. Nope, not yet. Really glad those emos hate team sports because they got stick-raped by the football team at whatever shitty suburb school they attended, which Wiki says was a mix of Ralston Valley or Faith Chrisitian, so yes, they got raped. Also, I don't recommend searching for 'Denver Broncos songs,' nothing good can come from it).

All right, now with that aside I can jump into savaging Chargers players like they were tiny Azn/Mexican reality TV stars (Merriman x2, check):


Phillip Rivers
Aliases: Marmalard, Lazerface, Floats McGoats, Pip, Sir Douchington XVII, Falcon Heene (because he floats the ball like a parachute, see?), etc.

Picture:

Bio: Rivers claims to be a religious, married, down-to-eath, gee-shuck-by-golly good-ole-boy from Alabama, very similar to BrettFarve, but just like BrettFarve, he is really a giant twat. He claims he doesn't swear and makes a big deal of this, supports abstinence (what a flaming dick), but when you watch him you know he is possibly the worst human being on the field, even if he is opposing Mike Vick WHILE Mr. BadNewsKennelz is electrocuting dogs. He taunts everyone from fans to ball boys, acting an ass all the time.

Which might be cool, if he didn't have the most girlish throwing motion of all-time. I bet he is just so sick of people laughing at his fairy pop-flies that he just blacks out during the game and assumes everyone in the stadium is laughing at him, like he just got depantsed during Powder Puff volleyball in front of the whole school.

The horrible thing really is that he is a decent quarterback, whose strength is throwing longs floats to his talented receivers and tight ends, but no one outside San Diego will ever like him because he is a raging twatwaffle.

Bonus: If I practice my Laserface (see above, minus the makeup) enough before Halloween and this comes in the mail, I will have the easiest Halloween costume evar!!! I'll just throw on the shirt, get a douchy Chargers hat (probably steal it from a hobo), and grab a football. Whammo. Then I yell, "You betta' ask Somebodayyyy!" and "What, HUH, COCKWALLET" or "Fuck that fucking pussy LDT." It is sure to be a big hit.

LaDanian Tomlinson

Aliases: LaToeInjury, Princess, LDT, NOT LT because that is Lawrence Taylor, got it Chargerfucks?

Picture: Some random dude sitting on a park bench, just dressed in a Powder Blue t-shirt.

Bio: Once a fantastic story of the underdog who became supreme, LdT was lightly recruited, went to TCU, tore shit up, came to San Diego in the Mike Vick trade, tore more shit up, and then turned in to the world's fattest fucking pussy about two years ago. I get it, you bust up a toe and you aren't going to be as good, but man, he just acts like he doesn't care any more. Basically his career sums up the Chargers history. A dynamic offensive force that bursts onto the scene and tantalizes with potential for championships, but ultimately fizzles out when the going gets tough. Shit, at least Natrone Means got to play in a Super Bowl.

Additionally, Chargers fans and ESPN douches love to call him LT, but everyone on Earth knows there is one true LT and that is Lawrence Taylor, quarterback-raper extraordinaire. He played games while yayed out of his got-damn mind after banging hookers all night long, he wasn't about to let some turf-toe or a low ankle sprain keep him down. But San Diego fans are too damn lazy to come up with something better.

Shawne Merriman

Aliases: Rapey McRoidy, Tequilla Sunrise, Lights-Out

Picture:

Bio: Merriman has the nickname "Lights out" because that is the state he likes chicks when he bangs them. He then shows off his awesome sexing technique after a sack, feigning a choke, a few seconds of rapid thrusting and a donkey punch. Ain't he cute.

He has been suspended for steroid abuse, just like his fellow Charger, defensive lineman Luis Castillo (I'm guessing his first name is Luis, hell if I know). He also has serious issues with women. He and Brandon Marshall could be buddies, 'cept I know B-Marsh ain't dumb enough to be seen with Tila Tequilla. Who the fuck does that? Probably someone like Shawne, who is obviously overcompensating for being named Shawne.

And for his tiny penis.

Plus, just like LdT, he is a damn swagger-jacker of the OG LT. Wears number 56 and rushes from the blind side. I'm also sure LT beat up some hookers first. Now jump on that Cocaine Train, Shawne, unless you are a pussy.

Also, Mr. Merriman and several of the Chargers like to frequent some local bars in San Diego. Guess which one on Thursdays? Guess which blogger probably won't be talking about his blog too much on Thursdays when he works there as a bouncer? Yep, me. But with my knack for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, we could have a real EPICFAIL story on here. Or on TMZ.

Vincent Jackson and Chris Chambers

Alias: The Booze Brothers

Picture: This guy, except he is DRIVING A FUCKING CAR

Bio: You ever wonder when Rivers throws his fucking moonballs why the defense doesn't pick off every single one, it is because these two drunken jackasses (each popped at least once for a DUI) don't actually run routes so much as they just stagger around until a pass falls to them or they pass out behind the wheel, I assume. Sadly, for the defense, they are big, fast and impossible to cover because they have super-drunken abilities to sprint forever, but not in a straight line. Add in the fact that the Chargers have an awesome offense line and a usually solid running game, and the defensive back covering them won't have much safety help.

Fun fact: Vincent Jackson went to UNC. The one in Greeley, not Chapel Hill. I don't really blame him for being wasted 24/7. I try to be when I am in Greeley. In fact, often I take a shit ton of Vicadin when I am there and pretend I am in a painting that is a Salvador Dali and Norman Rockwell fusion. Plus, Greeley cops are too busy plotting to kill each other like they are in a bad soap opera, so who is going to give you a DUI?

Darren Sproles:

*No I didn't forget to write about Tiny Darren, but it is so small you can't see it. HAHAHAHA.

Fuck, he just scored on another kick return.

Antwan Cason

Bio: My roommate Jake went to the University of Arizona with Cason, and says he is actually a good dude who did a lot of community service work and shit. But Jake is a fucking dick, so I assume Cason is as well. Transitive property, or something.

Gartrell Johnson and Kory Sperry

Picture: Any excuse to post this 

Bio: Guess how excited I was when I found out that two CSU Rams would be in San Diego along with me? Plus I live just blocks from Qualcomm. OMG, I was just sure we would be BFF. Shit, on my first day I even saw two Chargers at Chipotle (I was sure. They were giant black men wearing Chargers gear and sandals with socks, something only athletes do). I was rocking a CSU shirt, and they were totally staring me down. And then, just days later, the fucking Chargers cut Gartrell, and he signed with the Giants. Sperry was cut a couple weeks before and signed with Miami. Guess what Chargers, I had two reasons to like you guys, and you just fucked that up. This is like finding out that Hitler was a BoSox fan, just more reason to hope he burns in Hell.

Jacob Hester

Bio: Hey buddy. There is only room for one white, scrappy, white, adorable, overachieving, (did I mention white) fullback/tailback in the AFC West, and that guy is Peyton Hillis, not you. Go to Canada or the UFL, dick.

Nate Kaeding

Bio: I mentioned this yesterday, but WD Sherle swears this guy is the biggest stoner he has ever met. And WD fucking lived with a kid named Filly's Blunt. Plus Kaeding went to Iowa, so fuck him in his Hawkeye.

Junior Seau

I know he doesn't play for the team anymore, but fuck him in his fucking peehole. No one was John Elway's whipping boy more (except Lance), and I loved watching him as his Super Bowl dreams died in Arizona against the Giants. Get over it old man, if you couldn't win on an undefeated team you won't win ever.

Plus, you keep trying to play with the Pats, but your restaurant just down the road from me features a bigass Charger's logo and helmet on the sign. Pick a fucking team.

Norv Turner

Yeah, he is the coach and a total halfwit, but I think Chargers fans hate him more than I do. Without him this Chargers team is talented enough to win a Super Bowl. With him, they will never do shit. I really feel he is Wade Phillips' bastard brother, or something.

Tomorrow I start work as a bouncer, so there could be stories about that. Otherwise, I am trying to get a Nuggs/Avs preview (albeit a little late for the latter) up soon. Then CSU recap on Sunday/late Sat. Then my tailgating plans for the SD/Denver game. Or I might just get really rip-roaring drunk and do nothing much all weekend. We'll see...

Charger Hatin' Vol. 1: The Fans

 

#thingsthatarestupid

This week the Denver Broncos take on a team that has a very special place in my life, the San Diego Chargers. Yes, that special place is the back of the toilet where I aim when I am pissing. Every time I let loose a stream of yellow fury, I imagine Pip Rivers face yelling at me. It helps me relax, because sometimes I get a little tight, especially in public (Why are you being so difficult, Pedro? You are making me look like a weirdo who just likes to hang out in front of urinals).

Since my Denver Donkos will be invading Qualcomm on Monday night, this shall officially be Charger Bashing week. First up, we start with the worst of the worst, Chargers fans...

I could really give a fuck about Al-Queda or Osama, but if we could eradicate Chargers' fans I would be ecstatic. I mean, imagine how clear the 8 to the Beaches would be (sheds a wistful tear).Yes, Raider fans are much more visible and flagrant with their douchetastic outfits, but I also rarely have to deal with them.

Shockingly, the trouble with moving to San Diego is that there are an awful lot of San Diegans here, and most of them are Charger fans. This is weird for two reasons, because: A) San Diego is very much a transplant city B) I didn't think that migrant workers liked American football (on the subject of Futbol, suck it Costa Rica. Huson Street now off the hook for worst Fail of the Week).

The funniest thing about San Diego fans is their low expectations. At the Ralph's where I shop, they have this big ass Coke display where they have spelled out 'Chargers AFC WEST CHAMPS' in Diet Coke boxes. Creative? Yes. Hilarious? To me, oh hells yes.

Chargers fan: "WAHOOO! WE WENT 8-8 AND ONLY MADE THE PLAYOFFS BECAUSE THE OTHER TEAM FELL THE FUCK APART. Celebrate good times. Only seven other teams accomplished this last year. We beat out three other teams, two of whom were the Chiefs and the Raiders. Suck it, Denver.

Wow, honey. They are selling the Chargers AFC West Championship t-shirts for $16 here. What, I know that is two hours of my salary at Church's Chicken. Okay, fine, Ralph's is a little too exorbitant for us anyway. I bet they'll have some at the Food4Less for like $13. Oh man, can't wait to wear this thing when I see my probation officer on Monday."

On a plane to San Diego last summer a Chargers boo'd my Broncos shirt as I went to take a piss, and started talking shit about winning the AFC West. I took my piss, visualized Rivers, and planned on ignoring him, but I heard him talking shit to his friends the whole time while.  So, on my way back to my seat I just asked, "How many Super Bowls have you guys won?" and kept walking. He had no retort and sputtered something stupid, but if he did say anything I was going to drop, "And you know Holliday touched home." Glad it didn't come to that.

San Diegoans also apparently know the unspoken rule in world that black people don't wear the jerseys of white guys (unless they are badass throwbacks), but I have seen way too many black people rocking Marmalard jerseys in this town. I guess they would rather wear the jersey of a grade-A cockwallet than one of a giant pussy.

Seriously, Todd McFarlane made his LaToeinjury "Action Figure" into a lacktion figure. 

Even when the Broncos had Cutler and I loved his right arm, I was aware that he was douche. But Chargers' fans talk about Rivers like he is the Patron Saint of Quarterbacks. Get off his fucking dick, he isn't even as good as Stan Humphries after his 12th concussion.

I guess, other than Rivers or Tomlinson, the choices are pretty limited for SD fans. I don't understand how Chargers fans cheer for these guys. They feature a bigger collection of dicks than are present for a Kaci Starr gangbang scene (Google pornstars from Carbondale, CO if you are confused, no pic linking on this one). I mean, do you want a jersey that says you support a woman beater (Merriman), a couple of drunk driving receivers (Vincent Jackson and Chris Chambers), a super-high and erratic kicker (ask WD Scherle for more info on Keadding), etc. And there is no possible way that a Sproles jersey will fit a human over the age of six. Speaking of which... 

Here are 5 Things that are bigger than Darren Sproles:
1) My last duece. And it was pretty small, by my standards.
2) The baby from the E-Trade commericals
3) The average IQ of the Kardashian family
4) My chances of ever getting married (self burn, what?)
5) The world's tiniest violin

Aside: All of that talk of the horrible jersey choices SD fans have made me realize that I really want a B-Marsh jersey, because he encompasses everything into one fantastic Meast (Man-Beast) package.
 
In conclusion, there is only one Chargers fan that I don't mind looking at...

...but, like all the other Chargers fans, as soon as her mouth opens I will want to punch her square in the face and kick her as she falls.