Chargers Hatin' Vol. 2: Better get to know the Supercockbags

Oh boy, we got a teaser yesterday of my hatred for the San Diego Superchargers, as that goddamn awful song calls them. Yes, I alluded to the players, but today I get to really go after them. So buckle up and watch your ass for Merriman, because he's going to be looking for someone to rape after reading this (because he fucking loves Twitter, and I am throwing this up on Twitter. Tweet war, holler).

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"Billy Mays here!!!! Hey, are you tired of only getting Matt's awesome opinions once or twice a day here on this blog, and afraid you might miss out on his Facebook updates because some stupid bitch is clogging your wall with "Which Sex and the City Character AM I, LOL?" quizzes (Answer: You would be the fat one that the girls on the show ditch and therefore isn't on the show at all, because NO ONE WANTS TO HANG OUT WITH YOU. Why am I even your Facebook friend again? That is it, defriended...Sorry, /rant)? 

Well then, come on down to Twitter and follow Messiahthadon so he can send his opinions to you all day, straight to your phone if you like. 

Check out this satisfied customer: 

Hi, I'm Trevor. @Messiahthadon is the best. Such a Hilarious Hernandez, that guy. Even more offensive than the WAC. If I didn't follow him, I'd have to swagger jack @the_real_pat, and no one wants to do that. I mean, Pat swagger jacks Steve Nash. Pretty gay, right? P.S. ThaDon earns more than I do.

Wow, thanks Trevor. Yet another satisfied customer. Again that is Messiahthadon. And if you aren't on Twitter, get with the program. How else would you follow the progress of #balloonboy all day, by watching CNN? This isn't 1994, get with the program."

I thought it was bad when Ice Cube made a Raiders song, but the Chargers topped that with, are you ready? Actually you are not. Before I say who sings this Chargers song, you need to make sure you have a spotter nearby, kinda like with auto-erotic asphyxiation.

All right. It is Tila Tequialla. Haha, that was a joke.

This isn't a joke; it is POD. What, was fucking Creed busy? The only thing worse would be those fags from The Fray making a Broncos song. (OH MY GOD! quickly checks Youtube to make sure this isn't true. Nope, not yet. Really glad those emos hate team sports because they got stick-raped by the football team at whatever shitty suburb school they attended, which Wiki says was a mix of Ralston Valley or Faith Chrisitian, so yes, they got raped. Also, I don't recommend searching for 'Denver Broncos songs,' nothing good can come from it).

All right, now with that aside I can jump into savaging Chargers players like they were tiny Azn/Mexican reality TV stars (Merriman x2, check):


Phillip Rivers
Aliases: Marmalard, Lazerface, Floats McGoats, Pip, Sir Douchington XVII, Falcon Heene (because he floats the ball like a parachute, see?), etc.

Picture:

Bio: Rivers claims to be a religious, married, down-to-eath, gee-shuck-by-golly good-ole-boy from Alabama, very similar to BrettFarve, but just like BrettFarve, he is really a giant twat. He claims he doesn't swear and makes a big deal of this, supports abstinence (what a flaming dick), but when you watch him you know he is possibly the worst human being on the field, even if he is opposing Mike Vick WHILE Mr. BadNewsKennelz is electrocuting dogs. He taunts everyone from fans to ball boys, acting an ass all the time.

Which might be cool, if he didn't have the most girlish throwing motion of all-time. I bet he is just so sick of people laughing at his fairy pop-flies that he just blacks out during the game and assumes everyone in the stadium is laughing at him, like he just got depantsed during Powder Puff volleyball in front of the whole school.

The horrible thing really is that he is a decent quarterback, whose strength is throwing longs floats to his talented receivers and tight ends, but no one outside San Diego will ever like him because he is a raging twatwaffle.

Bonus: If I practice my Laserface (see above, minus the makeup) enough before Halloween and this comes in the mail, I will have the easiest Halloween costume evar!!! I'll just throw on the shirt, get a douchy Chargers hat (probably steal it from a hobo), and grab a football. Whammo. Then I yell, "You betta' ask Somebodayyyy!" and "What, HUH, COCKWALLET" or "Fuck that fucking pussy LDT." It is sure to be a big hit.

LaDanian Tomlinson

Aliases: LaToeInjury, Princess, LDT, NOT LT because that is Lawrence Taylor, got it Chargerfucks?

Picture: Some random dude sitting on a park bench, just dressed in a Powder Blue t-shirt.

Bio: Once a fantastic story of the underdog who became supreme, LdT was lightly recruited, went to TCU, tore shit up, came to San Diego in the Mike Vick trade, tore more shit up, and then turned in to the world's fattest fucking pussy about two years ago. I get it, you bust up a toe and you aren't going to be as good, but man, he just acts like he doesn't care any more. Basically his career sums up the Chargers history. A dynamic offensive force that bursts onto the scene and tantalizes with potential for championships, but ultimately fizzles out when the going gets tough. Shit, at least Natrone Means got to play in a Super Bowl.

Additionally, Chargers fans and ESPN douches love to call him LT, but everyone on Earth knows there is one true LT and that is Lawrence Taylor, quarterback-raper extraordinaire. He played games while yayed out of his got-damn mind after banging hookers all night long, he wasn't about to let some turf-toe or a low ankle sprain keep him down. But San Diego fans are too damn lazy to come up with something better.

Shawne Merriman

Aliases: Rapey McRoidy, Tequilla Sunrise, Lights-Out

Picture:

Bio: Merriman has the nickname "Lights out" because that is the state he likes chicks when he bangs them. He then shows off his awesome sexing technique after a sack, feigning a choke, a few seconds of rapid thrusting and a donkey punch. Ain't he cute.

He has been suspended for steroid abuse, just like his fellow Charger, defensive lineman Luis Castillo (I'm guessing his first name is Luis, hell if I know). He also has serious issues with women. He and Brandon Marshall could be buddies, 'cept I know B-Marsh ain't dumb enough to be seen with Tila Tequilla. Who the fuck does that? Probably someone like Shawne, who is obviously overcompensating for being named Shawne.

And for his tiny penis.

Plus, just like LdT, he is a damn swagger-jacker of the OG LT. Wears number 56 and rushes from the blind side. I'm also sure LT beat up some hookers first. Now jump on that Cocaine Train, Shawne, unless you are a pussy.

Also, Mr. Merriman and several of the Chargers like to frequent some local bars in San Diego. Guess which one on Thursdays? Guess which blogger probably won't be talking about his blog too much on Thursdays when he works there as a bouncer? Yep, me. But with my knack for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, we could have a real EPICFAIL story on here. Or on TMZ.

Vincent Jackson and Chris Chambers

Alias: The Booze Brothers

Picture: This guy, except he is DRIVING A FUCKING CAR

Bio: You ever wonder when Rivers throws his fucking moonballs why the defense doesn't pick off every single one, it is because these two drunken jackasses (each popped at least once for a DUI) don't actually run routes so much as they just stagger around until a pass falls to them or they pass out behind the wheel, I assume. Sadly, for the defense, they are big, fast and impossible to cover because they have super-drunken abilities to sprint forever, but not in a straight line. Add in the fact that the Chargers have an awesome offense line and a usually solid running game, and the defensive back covering them won't have much safety help.

Fun fact: Vincent Jackson went to UNC. The one in Greeley, not Chapel Hill. I don't really blame him for being wasted 24/7. I try to be when I am in Greeley. In fact, often I take a shit ton of Vicadin when I am there and pretend I am in a painting that is a Salvador Dali and Norman Rockwell fusion. Plus, Greeley cops are too busy plotting to kill each other like they are in a bad soap opera, so who is going to give you a DUI?

Darren Sproles:

*No I didn't forget to write about Tiny Darren, but it is so small you can't see it. HAHAHAHA.

Fuck, he just scored on another kick return.

Antwan Cason

Bio: My roommate Jake went to the University of Arizona with Cason, and says he is actually a good dude who did a lot of community service work and shit. But Jake is a fucking dick, so I assume Cason is as well. Transitive property, or something.

Gartrell Johnson and Kory Sperry

Picture: Any excuse to post this 

Bio: Guess how excited I was when I found out that two CSU Rams would be in San Diego along with me? Plus I live just blocks from Qualcomm. OMG, I was just sure we would be BFF. Shit, on my first day I even saw two Chargers at Chipotle (I was sure. They were giant black men wearing Chargers gear and sandals with socks, something only athletes do). I was rocking a CSU shirt, and they were totally staring me down. And then, just days later, the fucking Chargers cut Gartrell, and he signed with the Giants. Sperry was cut a couple weeks before and signed with Miami. Guess what Chargers, I had two reasons to like you guys, and you just fucked that up. This is like finding out that Hitler was a BoSox fan, just more reason to hope he burns in Hell.

Jacob Hester

Bio: Hey buddy. There is only room for one white, scrappy, white, adorable, overachieving, (did I mention white) fullback/tailback in the AFC West, and that guy is Peyton Hillis, not you. Go to Canada or the UFL, dick.

Nate Kaeding

Bio: I mentioned this yesterday, but WD Sherle swears this guy is the biggest stoner he has ever met. And WD fucking lived with a kid named Filly's Blunt. Plus Kaeding went to Iowa, so fuck him in his Hawkeye.

Junior Seau

I know he doesn't play for the team anymore, but fuck him in his fucking peehole. No one was John Elway's whipping boy more (except Lance), and I loved watching him as his Super Bowl dreams died in Arizona against the Giants. Get over it old man, if you couldn't win on an undefeated team you won't win ever.

Plus, you keep trying to play with the Pats, but your restaurant just down the road from me features a bigass Charger's logo and helmet on the sign. Pick a fucking team.

Norv Turner

Yeah, he is the coach and a total halfwit, but I think Chargers fans hate him more than I do. Without him this Chargers team is talented enough to win a Super Bowl. With him, they will never do shit. I really feel he is Wade Phillips' bastard brother, or something.

Tomorrow I start work as a bouncer, so there could be stories about that. Otherwise, I am trying to get a Nuggs/Avs preview (albeit a little late for the latter) up soon. Then CSU recap on Sunday/late Sat. Then my tailgating plans for the SD/Denver game. Or I might just get really rip-roaring drunk and do nothing much all weekend. We'll see...

The Rockies have so many positives (and a negative loses his name). This one has music...

This post goes well with Wale-Bittersweet playing in the background:

When I was in third grade, after helping my dad win his illicit city-wide football pool (because I have always been a gotdamn sports genius*) he came home with the winnings, set to share that gwap with me. Then, in a Father Knows Best moment gone horribly wrong, he took away all but the two dollar entrance fee, attempting to learn me good about the dangers of gambling with other people's money, or some shit. I started bawling, juked out of my jock like I was trying to tackle Barry Sanders.

That is about the most equitable feeling I can compare to tonight's Rocks loss. Everything was shitty for the Rocks for about 6 innings, and even Tulo's double was soon followed by his blunder. Then, Giambino and Torreablba (seriously, what is with this guy in RockOctober. His walk-up song is "Somos de Calle" by Daddy Yankee, which translated must mean Only Hits After Sept. 1) coming through huge. Followed by Huson Street blowing only his third save of the season, while Fuck-up Lidge somehow strikes out my mancrush. I think Simmons would call this a stomach-punch game. It sucked.

(ASIDE: I should have known, the last time Jon Miles scored Rockies tickets we got swept before he could go. This time he goes and buys tickets to multiple games and brings his bad luck to Coors. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, STOP BUYING FUCKING TICKETS. First Edy with CSU, and now you with my Rox. Quit conspiring against me.)

But, there is a silver-lining and hope for the future for these Rocks, just like the end of my "gambling" story. See, after my tears came out, my mother called my dad a jerk and an asshole, which made me laugh (not out loud) and him feel terrible. Guess who not only got to keep his share of the money, but was also rewarded with my dad's share of the $48 bucks as well. Holler.

Yes, loyal readers, all seven of you, there are many more positives about these Rockies than there are negatives heading into next season. I could go into the negatives, but no one really wants a 40,000-word story describing the black hole-like suckitude of Clint Barmes, which was my alternate idea for this post. (Amaizingly, that story would only feature ten unique words repeated ad nauseam; Cocksucker, Barmes, douchebag, wildabeast-rape, PIIIIISSSSSS, zero, for, fourteen, error, shitfuck).

Addendum: Henceforth I shall not name [the player that batted eighth for the Rockies today]. If he must be referenced, it will be in brackets. [Name redacted]'s pop-ups to deep second and samurai-pose strike outs have driven me to the breaking point.

Positives:
The Obvious:
Tulo and Helton will be back to lead us, along with a competent manager. Cook will be solid again.


Cargo: I wonder if right now Billy Beane would even consider trading Matt Holliday straight-up for Carlos Gonzalez if he could revisit it. Mr. Lazorbeams just tore it up, at 23-years old, facing plus left-handed pitching in almost every at bat. A true five-tool player, he could be an all-star for the next decade if he continues to play like he did in the second half of this season.

And since I earlier suggested a song, well Gonzo should use Chester French's "I'm So Tall" as his walk-up song next season. "I'm so tall that Lazor beams are shooting out of my face." Yes, yes they are.

Ubaldo:
He is only 25. He only throws the hardest of anyone in the majors. He only breaks off stuff so filthy it should be condemned.

The U-Ball still makes a few mistakes a game, and has yet to put together one of those truly dominating performances, but he will, and hopefully that comes next year. He is already the best pitcher ever for the Rockies (a list that is neither long, nor distinguished) and I cannot wait to see him shove fastball up people's asses next season (no homo). I suggest "Beauty Queen" by Leather Dynamite, (unless you are at work) because, well, he doesn't seem that tough when you first look at him, all gangly and slow, but then wow, that just comes out of nowhere and shocks you.

DEX and EY2:
Also 23, Mr Fowler is the second young outfielder that should be entrenched in the "really, really big" outfield at Coors for the next decade, at the least. While not as powerful as Lazors Gonzalez, he is faster and still learning to hit from the left side of the plate, taking it up just four years ago after he was drafted. As we saw tonight (when he posterized Chase Utley) the boy has skillz.

EY2 is even fucking faster than Dex. Also a switch hitter, with a bit of pop (like his pops), he can fly. Just think if he had pulled that ball into the hole just a bit tonight, he would have easily beaten the throw. Imagine a Rockies lineup with him leading off, Dexter in the two-hole and Carlos third. Then a little bit of Tulo cleaning-up and little bit of Helton coming next. There is a melody to that like a Lou Bega song (Mambo #5). I think I just sported wood. (Yes, EY2 to second base, replacing [name redacted]. Just thinking of him caused me to stab myself in the abdomen with my nail file. FUCK.]

Bonus: Each already have awesome walk-up songs that are fitting, "Run This Town" ('cause he fast) and "Stuntin Like My Daddy" ('cause of his daddy. VROOM on that Yahama).

Roster Flexibility:
The ability to trade Hairy Atkins, B(r)ad Hawpe, [name redacted], Spilly, Torre or someone for some more pitching. We also have a deep farm system that could be used, but certainly one or more of those listed could be moved. Marquis is as good as gone, Atkins will give way to Stewie, (and I still think should have in the postseason even though Garret played all right) and I think that Seth Smith would put up similar numbers to Hawpe with a full season.

Let's trade Hawpe and Atkins for relief pitching and/or prospects. Also, let's offer [Suckmaster 2B], Dinger and the damn home run song to Azerbaijan for some pubic hair and call it even.

Here is my mock-up of my dream lineup next year:
1. EY2 2b
2. Dex CF
3. Carlos RF
4. Tulo SS
5. Helton 1B
6. Stewart 3B
7. Iannetta C
8. Smith LF
Bench:
[Player that I hate more than Jamie Carrol, and man do I hate Jamie Carrol]
Right-handed veteran who can play 1B, 3B, or a corner OF position. Someone cheap but with pop; Troy Glaus, Craig Counsell, Gabe Kappler, Fernando Tatis, etc.

If he is willing, resign Giambi
Spilly
Torre

A Deep Pitching Staff: 
1. U-Ball
2. A healthy Jeff Francis
3. Cookie
4. De la Rosa
5. Hammel/Franklin Morales/Chacin

Relievers:
Closer: Street. He only blew three all year. Probably wasn't healthy and/or sharp after his injury late in the year, but you can't give up on him just because he was rocky. And yes, Rory, I do "Hate Him Now"
8th: Bettancourt. Dude is nails. Captain Clutch needs to be resigned
7th: Matt Daley and whichever of our #5 candidates loses out.
Also: Keep Joe Beimel if we can, sign another lefty specialist and get another solid veteran (LaTroya Hawkins?)

Yep, that shit is tight. We have power pitchers from the right side and from the left. Promising youngsters and proven veterans. Depth to carry us through the inevitable injury.

It was a damn good run this year. The ending for every team except one is bitter, but there were a ton of sweet moments this season. Yes, next season, I run to you, with open arms

*The asterik above is due to the fact that I found it funny, that while writing about my genious status, I misspelled three words, at least.