Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Week 5

When we last left Jersey Shore, Snookers had just taken a shot to the jaw. It was beautiful, until MTV cut it. Weak. It was nowhere as tough as the LaGarrett Blount Falcon Punch . Really, those are the two moments that will always stick in my memory when I think of 2009, Snookie and the Blount. Kind of shows what a bleh year 2009 was, that two white bitches getting socked are my defining memories.

Anyway, I know that I am late with this, but I was still so drunk/hungover when this episode first aired that I was incapable of drinking (and I also had to report to work on New Years), and I didn't want to rob you of my drunken opinions of the only greatest reality TV show there is (I wanted to say only, but I have started watching two others. Before you judge, realize one focuses on CSU and the other features some clown from CSU. Maybe more on the latter, later). So without further adieu, here are my snap reactions to episode 5:

-Honestly, how in the world did the Situation not beat some ass. Just one or two swings, even half-hearted and that guy is dining on pussy the rest of his life. He would be a hero for standing up for girls everywhere. Instead he froze like someone shot by Schwartzenager in that awful Batman movie (insert more current reference here). I also like how Ronnie acts like Mike is a bitch, but he didn't do shit either. None of them did. That is weak.

-Mike "El Situation" creeping still after Snooks got blasted was maybe the most hilarious moment of 2009. Just absolutely no class. That is like stealing a man's wallet after he gets jumped, lays bleeding to death, and not calling 911. And yet he still comes off better than some of the other cast-members at the close of this episode. This cast is more shallow than a kiddie pool.

-The cops make Snookie walk home. Jersey Shore Po-Po need to step up. You even make the Bonedale Police look lazy.

-Everyone decides they actually like Snookie after she gets KTFO. As if that is some sort of badge of honor.

-Even Ron-Ron's parents are shallow and all about themselves. Or, as Vinnie calls them, good people. (Wa-Wa-What?)

-Ron, to his mother: "Drink your Mimosa, smoke another cigarette and take it easy." Ron, your mother just wants to get her cancer tan on, don't make her get her cancer smoke on.

-Vinnie is like a fucking lost puppy so far in this show, just tagging along. For fuck's sake, do something. If anyone is playing my game and drafted Vin, you now know how Detroit Lions fans have felt about every draft since 1989 (Barry Sanders, fyi).

-J-Woww's advice to Snook. "Let's drink heavily." Based on that line alone, I want to marry her. She is a woman after my own heart. Every situation can be solved with shots and rapid chugging of beer.

-Snookers, on killing Lobsters: "I don't like to eat anything that is alive when you kill it." Good thing it is a well-known fact that cows are born dead, or else hamburgers would be off my personal menu as well.

-DJ Pauly D, on the strength of his hair gel. : "I'm not sure my hair is bulletproof, but I'm not about to test it." I am willing to bet there is a significant portion of Americans that are willing to test this for you. "I'll play the part of the barber and put a part up in your hair. Sit inside of my barber's chair, I'll let the four-fifths clippers clip a ni--a" Gratuitous rap lyric supplied by Ray Cash- Killa With the Flow (prod. by the Kickdrums

-Pauly D on some girls: "They aren't whores. We might have to see them once or twice." Vinnie piles on. "Some girls will come in and jump into the hot tub. Some girls you have to treat like human beings." I hate bitches that I have to treat as human beings. I want to fuck alien bitches. Mainly illegal alien bitches. You have to pay less that way. And you can beat them up without paying extra.


-FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT. Chick fight and Snookie didn't even get a fresh one in the kisser. J-Woww done Guido Windmilled some bitch. Then, she had to adjust her boobs, because they were pointing completely different directions. Like googly-eyed Jason Ibanez from my high school soccer team (or Stuart Scott, for you non-Carboners)

ASIDE: I see a whole shit load of boob jobs out here in Cali, and all I can say is, girls, go the whole ten yards. Don't half-ass a boob job like J-Woww. I appreciate all boobs, real or fake, but when they look like they are trying to separate like Jon and Kate (whoo, totally out of date reference) it kinda grinds my gears. Make sure you go under the muscles, the over-the-top treatment just doesn't work. Boobs should work together, they should not be trying to avoid each other like the polar sides of magnets.

-Ronald dispenses some great advice, on J-Woww's boyfriend Tom, who is a biggity-bitch: "I would send her a picture of my dick and some bubble gum." If I ever were able to have an ex-girlfriend, I would send her this. I should send this to a bunch like my one hook-up. Look out, (radio edit). This would actually be a nice present since Trophy Wife's mother said I had a nice looking penis once upon a time. Again, this would mean I would have to have a girlfriend, and that will probably never happen, until I am more whipped than Ron-Ron.

-Vinnie finally breaks out. Stealing the bosses bitch. What a way to finish. It only took him five episodes to finally shine. Is he a Chauncey Billups, a late-bloomer who became captain clutch, or is he a Kenny Anderson who teased us with potential and never amounted to shit? The jury is out.

Next Week: Is only two days away. The best part about procrastinating is that you shorten the waiting time. Right?

P.S. The Real World features some kid from CSU. I will update on him as well, but the AZN summarized him best after one episode, and when I can steal material, I do (Ignore her bad grammar):

"thanks to RW23 and Andrew, Colorado is represented as a nerdy, hilarious lying, sexually active but not really at all, racist, retarded, stuffed animal lovin, kind of creepy, kind of awesome state... HEY RAMMIE, way to rep your C-STATERS."

Why the fuck wasn't I on the Real World? Bullshit!

Top Songs of 2009

I'm not participating in any of this end-of-the-decade-list shit, but I will throw you my top songs of 2009, because, face it, you are all overly impressed by how awesome my taste in music is. I basically went through my top rated on Itunes and took the ten rap songs that I felt would make me remember 2009, specifically and then I added the five total songs of other genres that I downloaded. Join me after the jump if you care, and I know you do (Spoiler: Shockingly, no Rihanna) :

Charger Hatin' Vol. 1: The Fans

 

#thingsthatarestupid

This week the Denver Broncos take on a team that has a very special place in my life, the San Diego Chargers. Yes, that special place is the back of the toilet where I aim when I am pissing. Every time I let loose a stream of yellow fury, I imagine Pip Rivers face yelling at me. It helps me relax, because sometimes I get a little tight, especially in public (Why are you being so difficult, Pedro? You are making me look like a weirdo who just likes to hang out in front of urinals).

Since my Denver Donkos will be invading Qualcomm on Monday night, this shall officially be Charger Bashing week. First up, we start with the worst of the worst, Chargers fans...

I could really give a fuck about Al-Queda or Osama, but if we could eradicate Chargers' fans I would be ecstatic. I mean, imagine how clear the 8 to the Beaches would be (sheds a wistful tear).Yes, Raider fans are much more visible and flagrant with their douchetastic outfits, but I also rarely have to deal with them.

Shockingly, the trouble with moving to San Diego is that there are an awful lot of San Diegans here, and most of them are Charger fans. This is weird for two reasons, because: A) San Diego is very much a transplant city B) I didn't think that migrant workers liked American football (on the subject of Futbol, suck it Costa Rica. Huson Street now off the hook for worst Fail of the Week).

The funniest thing about San Diego fans is their low expectations. At the Ralph's where I shop, they have this big ass Coke display where they have spelled out 'Chargers AFC WEST CHAMPS' in Diet Coke boxes. Creative? Yes. Hilarious? To me, oh hells yes.

Chargers fan: "WAHOOO! WE WENT 8-8 AND ONLY MADE THE PLAYOFFS BECAUSE THE OTHER TEAM FELL THE FUCK APART. Celebrate good times. Only seven other teams accomplished this last year. We beat out three other teams, two of whom were the Chiefs and the Raiders. Suck it, Denver.

Wow, honey. They are selling the Chargers AFC West Championship t-shirts for $16 here. What, I know that is two hours of my salary at Church's Chicken. Okay, fine, Ralph's is a little too exorbitant for us anyway. I bet they'll have some at the Food4Less for like $13. Oh man, can't wait to wear this thing when I see my probation officer on Monday."

On a plane to San Diego last summer a Chargers boo'd my Broncos shirt as I went to take a piss, and started talking shit about winning the AFC West. I took my piss, visualized Rivers, and planned on ignoring him, but I heard him talking shit to his friends the whole time while.  So, on my way back to my seat I just asked, "How many Super Bowls have you guys won?" and kept walking. He had no retort and sputtered something stupid, but if he did say anything I was going to drop, "And you know Holliday touched home." Glad it didn't come to that.

San Diegoans also apparently know the unspoken rule in world that black people don't wear the jerseys of white guys (unless they are badass throwbacks), but I have seen way too many black people rocking Marmalard jerseys in this town. I guess they would rather wear the jersey of a grade-A cockwallet than one of a giant pussy.

Seriously, Todd McFarlane made his LaToeinjury "Action Figure" into a lacktion figure. 

Even when the Broncos had Cutler and I loved his right arm, I was aware that he was douche. But Chargers' fans talk about Rivers like he is the Patron Saint of Quarterbacks. Get off his fucking dick, he isn't even as good as Stan Humphries after his 12th concussion.

I guess, other than Rivers or Tomlinson, the choices are pretty limited for SD fans. I don't understand how Chargers fans cheer for these guys. They feature a bigger collection of dicks than are present for a Kaci Starr gangbang scene (Google pornstars from Carbondale, CO if you are confused, no pic linking on this one). I mean, do you want a jersey that says you support a woman beater (Merriman), a couple of drunk driving receivers (Vincent Jackson and Chris Chambers), a super-high and erratic kicker (ask WD Scherle for more info on Keadding), etc. And there is no possible way that a Sproles jersey will fit a human over the age of six. Speaking of which... 

Here are 5 Things that are bigger than Darren Sproles:
1) My last duece. And it was pretty small, by my standards.
2) The baby from the E-Trade commericals
3) The average IQ of the Kardashian family
4) My chances of ever getting married (self burn, what?)
5) The world's tiniest violin

Aside: All of that talk of the horrible jersey choices SD fans have made me realize that I really want a B-Marsh jersey, because he encompasses everything into one fantastic Meast (Man-Beast) package.
 
In conclusion, there is only one Chargers fan that I don't mind looking at...

...but, like all the other Chargers fans, as soon as her mouth opens I will want to punch her square in the face and kick her as she falls.

Pregaming Analysis: Ex-Christian University

*I ramble a bit on this one, I promise future installments in this series will be better and more humorous.

I probably won't have any real pre-game analysis of any upcoming CSU game since I usually don't even get to watch them live anymore and would just rehash what is said in the newspaper, so I will stick with what I know.And while I won't bring you pregame analysis, I will bring you Pregaming Analysis. I stumbled upon this topic while discussing my hatred of Utah's archaic liquor laws in an earlier preview, and I like where that went.

I will share my experiences tailgating before CSU games and give my impressions on the rival fans that we will be facing this week. There will be, of course, a few more Failgate stories than stories of great success.


Let me make one thing clear, I love Colorado State as much as anybody (short of Gary Ozzello and a select few other die-hards), but sometimes I still regret not trying to transfer to TCU. That is how awesome the 12 hours I spent on the TCU campus were.

I have wanted to go to TCU since 2005, when I (and distinguished Collegian writers Trevor Edy and Nick Piburn) made the 13-plus hour trip to TCU for the 2005 game, which actually could have been for the MWC championship. Due to some trouble with the law (something about an MIP and a traffic cone theft charge in the euphoria of the Utah goal-line stand game) I was unable to drive. Fortunately, Edy and Piburn were allowed to borrow a rental car (Chevy Impala, what?) and comped hotel rooms. Sadly, awesome Collegian planning forced us to stay in Bricktown (aka Boom! Oklahoma City /Xzibit) the night before the game, something I still regret to this day, even though their Hooters was excellent. The next morning we traveled the rest of the way to Fort Worth, and due to their Collegian jobs, my friends had to go to the press box, leaving me to Failgate alone.

What did I learn? That if you get a chance to go to TCU, fucking go, doggy. Why?

Because Texas girls are hot and plentiful: I plan on one day marrying a girl from Texas. I love everything about them. They are nice, smile a lot, have that southern charm and drawl, know how to cook, are hot, etc. And of any place I have ever visited, TCU has the hottest, and most, girls. 

The school is about 9,000 students, and about 60% are girls. Hot, Texas born and bred (read: rich) girls. Girls that traveled around in packs at the game and seemingly ambushed me from every direction. I'm not knocking CSU girls, we make them fine, but that was the first time that I ever felt like I was the target. At CSU the bars and parties are usually more guys than girls, especially more guys than attractive girls. At TCU, the girls outnumbered the guys everywhere I looked. Put one guy with two girls, and you can almost guarantee that the girls will get catty fighting for the attention. Put about ten girls to three guys and you have fucking Shark Week.

I got to feel like Sharkbait (Fantasy Factory y'all) as these roving packs of ten sorority girls trolled around handing out pink ribbons (for breast cancer). They would give me the ribbon, we would chat about breasts, the game, the school, and I would tell them that my sister was in their sister sorority (even if she wasn't). Then, when they moved on, I would take off the ribbon, put it in my pocket (probably a dick move), and wait for the next group to come along. In an hour's time of doing this I collected about 12 ribbons and didn't see one group twice.

The people other than the hot girls are also usually pretty entertaining:
At this point in my life when I took this trip, all I knew about Texans were that they invaded Colorado in the winter to ski in blue jeans, thought they were pretty special, liked to drink, were fairly racist and couldn't drive worth shit. Now, four years, two visits, two Texan roommates and a slew of Texan friends later, I have learned a bunch about the state, and I realize that I was pretty much on the money initially. Here are the five things I know for certain about Texans, in addition to the hot women.

1) Texans are very friendly: So friendly, in fact, that drivers will sometimes pull onto the shoulder to let you pass. This is awesome. I now live in Cali, and people pass you on the shoulders while flipping you off with both hands. People at TCU would just come up to meet while I was tailgating alone, decked out in CSU gear, and be genuinely excited to have a conversation. TCU fans wished me and my team luck. It was a little bit disorienting, as they are almost overly nice.

2)Texans love beer: and are pretty liberal about the rules. It is one of the few things Texans are liberal about, other than the 'lectric chair and gun control. But it is awesome to find a place where you can drink your beer in the parking lot without wristband Nazi's stalking you or cops forcing you to poor out your Captain Morgan (all right, it was actually Admiral Nelson, you know I'm cheap).

And they probably won't have a DUI checkpoint leaving the game, because I don't believe they have DUI's in Texas. A certain former roommate of mine told me about wrecking his truck while hammered, and the cop figured that the crash had "taught him his lesson," so he charged him with Obstruction of a Highway. He learned his lesson all right, so well that he later picked up a DUI in Colorado, when upon leaving one of our party's, he hit our house, hit three cars (two in our driveway, one in our neighbors) and almost ran me over while I tried stop him from driving...too the fucking liquor store to buy more Keystone Ice (He, thankfully, has fully learned his lesson this time).

So maybe they are a little too lax on this in Texas, but you know, everything is bigger there, even the legal limit.

3) Texans talk a big religious game... but they don't really back it up. Some may see this as negative, but I like it. Texans say they are God-fearing, and I think generally want to believe it, but they can't don't really read the bible (too busy learning the state cactus or how to take a horseshoe dip of Cope).

Instead they are really more immoral than almost any other group of people, yet not on the surface. It is not like you are visiting Las Vegas or Vice City, some place where a lack of convictions are flaunted to the point it is almost disgusting. Texans have this nice and clean surface, and they work to keep it that way, but with just a little coaxing they abandon all pretense.

It is Texas Christian University, but as I was told repeatedly by people after a couple of drinks, "We no longer have any religious ties." Awesome, but I still bet your father feels a little safer sending his little girl to a school with Christ in the name, even if it is common knowledge that he peaced out years ago.

4) Texans are not shy: They are who you thought they are, as Denny Green would say. Again, this is one of those positives that can quickly switch negative, but it sure makes conversations easier. Ask a question, and just wait for the opinions to roll out. Everyone is a little country, not concerned with being rude, and almost certainly...

5) Texans are racist: This is not a secret, but it still shocks me just how unabashed Texans are about it. It is just inherent. Words (specifically the N-word) that are off-limits will be tossed around like candy, and you will be the weird one for noticing. Whenever I ask my Texas friends about this most deny that they are actually racist, and take great pride in making it clear that they have black or Mexican friends. It is just that this is the way they grew up talking and they won't change now (Texans are also very stubborn).

Failgate: About three hours before gametime, after I spilled a beer on my lap when I was attempting to pour it into a 7-11 cup, thinking that I had to hide my drinking from the law.  I was in enough legal trouble at the time from stealing a traffic cone after the Utah goal-line stand (another Failgate altogether), yet somehow I thought that sitting behind the wheel of a car and drinking equated a low profile.It made sense at the time. After letting my pants to dry off with the car's fans pointed directly at my crotch (a wonderful sensation) while I drank three beers, I decided to say fuck it and go mingle. It was a fairly warm day, and no one noticed. Or everyone was too late to point it out.

A year later, a certain journalist (who may have been at this TCU game) claims to have had a similar Failgate, but all those who witnessed it said that he actually pissed himself Miles Davis-style. There are pictures on Facebook of everyone pointing at his soiled pants. Glad no one was with me to make it any more embarrassing.


I swear to you that all future Failgate stories will be better and much more embarrassing for me.

Here is my quick, actual game analysis:
I don't think CSU has a realistic shot. I do think that they will cover the 20-ish point spread, and I hope that they finally put together a full game and pull off the third biggest win in program history (No. 1: Arizona in 1994, No. 2: CU in 2002). But I just don't see it happening.

We will need Mason over 150 yards, Mosure with at least one big (40+ yards) play, Greer to use Stick-em instead of Crisco, Stucker to not throw to the purple guys and a hell of a defensive effort. And a great deal of luck.

Still, good luck Rams.