Colorado sports by a fan. A healthy dose of CSU Rams, Rockies, Broncos, Avs, and Nuggets talk, and the most important Jersey Shore recaps in the nation, among other things. I'm killing shit, buckle up and strap in. OHHHH YAAAAAA
Showing posts with label Gratutious Youtubing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Gratutious Youtubing. Show all posts
Forgive me, it has been almost a week without me posting my hilarious pictures and rants (you didn't even notice. Well fuck you, buddy).
It was a big week around the Colorado sports scene, as pretty much everything went well. The only big loss was CSU basketball at UNC, but the Tar Heels are number one in that nation (What's that, Northern Colorado? I refuse to acknowledge such a crazy claim).
Broncos:
Two concerns: 1) Was Bumbles Orton spiking his Gatorade with Jack? Because he was fumblin' and bumblin' like a Keith Jackson wet dream.
2) If KC got some WR open on busted coverages, how open will Piere-Marc-Andre Fluery-Garcon be next week (so help me Joseph Smith's Norwegian Jesus if Austin "Lassie" Collie catches a TD).
Fortunately the Broncos were saved from some embarrassing scores by one man today:
-Everybody remembers that kid from Little Giants, who couldn't catch and got his hands stuck together with Stick 'Em. I never knew that kid was actually Bobby Wade. Certainly made more of himself than Devon Sawa or even IceBox (I wonder when Simmons will do a "What If" on her).
-Remember what started that whole J-Cunty debacle. It was trying to trade for Matt Cassel:
Hmmm, I'm kinda glad we didn't trade for THAT guy.
-Brodie Croyle is the exact opposite of a victory cigar.
Sometimes a picture really is worth a thousand words.
-Man, the Chiefs really decided to just hand the game to Denver in the third quarter, especially.
Then again, with the Broncos super special team play thus far against Native American teams, anything could have happened (see; Redskins, Washington).
-The guy in charge of the Chiefs, Todd Haley, is really a raging cunt. I am surprised he didn't murder a back-up today.
-So many jokes about this, but really all I can ask is why?
I wonder if Redface is as racist as Blackface?
And why?
Nasty N, it is your job to come up with the appropriate inappropriate jokes for these. It really is your purpose here on Earth.
Nuggets: Busted those bitch ass Spurs up. Didn't lose to the T-Wolves. Good week.
Below is a brilliant video brought to my attention by @tjedy:
What a fucking Princess.
Tweets of the week: Lance Moorman: "Jacked some asshole who tried to reach in my pockets... I hope your broken nose feels good you ignorant fuck."
And people ask me why I'm on Twitter. This gives me hope one of the many SD hobos will accost me and some point and allow me to haul off and smack a bitch.
Club Trillion: Al Michaels on Jared Allen: "Sooner or later #69 will be in your face." Sometimes it's just too easy.
Honorable Mention: Black Prez: Vicks TD Pass got me kinda teary eyed... So happy...
Avs: An up and down week, but the two goal comeback in the last 50 seconds against Florida to save a point was huge. Hopefully Anderson isn't out too long. But my by Duchene keeps scoring. Matty Ice, baby.
CSU Rams: Besides the blemish against a better-than-they-should-be UNC team, the Rams defeated in-state "Rival" Denver. 5-3 is a pretty good start. Now it is time to fuck up CU and attempt to complete the sweep in every sport that I care about (fb, vb, m&wbb). Wear white if you are in Fort Collins Thursday. For purity of race. Wait, that isn't right. Just because we have one of the least diverse schools in the country doesn't mean we have to show off, right?
Rockies: There are rumors you assholes are gonna bring back Jamie Carroll. This cannot be true and I might renounce my fandom if he comes back. If he and (name redacted) share the 2B role I might just start stabbing random people on the street, or mail bombs around the country in a pattern that resembles a lazy pop out to right center field. YOU MADE ME DO THIS!
Other sports news: Teboner- If I was a worldly fellow like Tim Tebow, I would have seen some stuff that shows me what is really important in life. I used to be a bitch who cried about shit like sports, but then I dealt with real life losses I stopped. I'm sorry, but they should take away his old fucking Heisman for that routine. Adam Morrison-esque, it was.
The Saints- I am so proud of myself for picking Robert Meachem off the scrap heap in fantasy. Best maneuver ever. The early games at the bar where perfect, shit was going crazy all morning long.
The Vikings- Will lose in the playoffs when Brad Childress calls 50 passes for Brettard Favre and doesn't give Purple Jesus the ball.
TCU vs. Boise- They should just mutually agree to not even play. I have dubbed it the Glass Ceiling Bowl. Mike Donovan had this to say: "TCU/Boise St. What a crock. What a lose-lose for both teams. The JV National Championship or the Separate But Equal Bowl." He said it first, but it is my blog so I go first here. No journalistic integrity on this site, buddy.
Happy Hollidays: Oh, it is Christmas season now so I send you off with this lovely ditty.
As I pointed out in my splendidly narcissistic post about why I can't sleep, sports are my escape from the problems/issues in the real world that make me restless. Even though I spend much of the space in this blog trashing on teams/people and focusing on the suck (especially lately), I love sports. So, as a prelude to Thanksgiving, I will be filling this blog post with videos and websites about sports that I love.
If you are bored (especially at a job where they haven't blocked Youtube yet) this should keep you entertained for quite a while. Yep, this all makes me very happy. I don't even care that this took me hours, searching Youtube and watching all sorts of random shit.Happy thanksgiving, and please post any videos you love here or on my wall. Enjoy:
John Elway: John Elway leading the drive. I still own this video, and the 1986 "Mile High Champions" videotape, and I nearly wore both out watching them every Saturday and Sunday growing up. John Elway was my first true love and I always ask WWJED (What Would John Elway Do=Procrastination). I know Elway has been kind of dick in his personal life (and to Mr. Moorman, a story I may ask him to post on here sometime), but I don't care. Jesus had his share of problems, and he has done alright for himself.
Brace for a blog explaining the Church of Elway (aka Elwayology).
Christianity has Jesus on a cross, Elwayology has John leaping in between two Packers.
Gilbert Arenas: Best game-winning shot ever. Raising the arms before it even drops. I love me some Melo and JR, but that is just bad ass.
But that is not all that makes Gil great. There was the blog, which was just fantastic. Even while struggling through injury, he was entertaining. At the beginning of this season he was being surly and trying to avoid talking to the media, thinking it would help him focus. It didn't work, and it just wasn't Gilbert. Then this happened:
What other NBA player would do this? Not many, as they, or the people that run their lives, are too image conscious.
DeShawn Stevenson: "I watch gangster flicks and root for the bad guy, turn it off before it end because the bad guy die." -50 Cent. That is how I feel about my boy DeShawn. He is crazy. Insane in the membrane, but he captivates me.
I really fell in love after watching this video, with him and Gilbert betting thousands of dollars against each other in a post-practice 3-point shootout. Gil shot one-handed from college range, D-Steve regular from NBA range. NBA players from every team may do this, but it seems like the Wizards are the only ones who would have it filmed, thanks to Dan Steinberg at the DC Sports Bog and Bullets Forever. I need to make this blog as awesome as those.
Colorado State: When I feel really down about CSU sports I have a few videos I love to watch, especially this one.
And this one:
And I always enjoy Robert Herbert fucking bitches up. Oh what could have been if he didn't steal credit cards.
A little D.A.:
Eric Berry: All I want is Eric Berry to be a Bronco next year. Trade everyone for him, I don't care.
Hockey Fights: Red Wings-Avs, the best rivalry I have ever seen. If I ever meet Darren McCarty I am buying him a drink. Why? So that alcoholic motherfucker falls off the wagon. What a flamboyant cheap pussy. Oh, but what entertainment.
Christy Simms sucks my balls: Good lord, son, that was the worst interception ever. Even worse than Jake Plummer's left-handed shot put. That was Plummer's non-throwing hand, but you are actually left-handed. Fuck you and your absolutely awful announcer of a dad.
It looked like you fucking punted that ball, not kicked it. It would have been awesome if you were playing 500 in the schoolyard and called "Surprise Package," but unfortunatley it was a real life NFL game. If you even got that within a zip code of B-Marsh he would He-Man woman-beat anyone around to negate an interception.
We fired Mike Shannahan and then signed a back-up QB with an ankle tat of Shannahan's son. Maybe this was some sort of revenge? No one could throw such a shitty pass on accident. If you play against the Chargers I hope Merriman rapes you so hard that lose a kidney and liver. You don't have a spleen, pussy, but I didn't know you were also the tin man and the scarecrow. No heart, no brain. 100% FUCKKNUCKLE. Now we are tied with Los Chargeros and I might have to choke a bitch.
The Rest of the Broncos: You just lost to Washington. The Redskins, not the Capitals. Get your shit together. 6-0 doesn't mean shit if you don't win four more games the rest of the way. You are now tied atop the division with San Diego. You haven't won a game in a fucking month.
Champ looks like fucking Dre Bly lately, letting Hines Ward jump arr over roo and then whiffing on a huge tackle on third down during the comeback drive.
B-Dawk also got run over by Betts on the goalline. I understand you were on the field for the whole second half because retard Simms couldn't find his ass with Google Maps, but you still gotta make that play. You are Mr. Defense, all that whoofing and crazy talking to the football shit, you have to tackle guys at the goal line. Send a message. Instead, we saw you get run over like some roadkill.
McD. You got outcoached by Jim Zorn, and the assortment of random guys in charge of the Redskins since Danny Snyder took away Zornies offensive playcalling keys. That is not good. The Orton-injury is pretty big, because he was Ballin,' but why wouldn't we stick to the run when it became apparent Lefty Simms was channeling another erratic lefty, Phil Mickelson.
The defensive line folded like a cheap table late yet again. It is apparent this team is only built to play in the lead and can't handle a second half deficit. Not good. We got pretty lucky to start of 6-0 and now it evening out. It can all be remedied with a victory next weekend though. Beat some Charger ass and I will be happy again.
Special teams. I hate you. Mitch Fucking Berger sucks. And he is from CU. So he doubly sucks. Cut him now, please. An about 30 Broncos were expecting a fake punt, but not one of them could cover Mike Sellers. How fucking retarded are you guys?
Random Celeb Note: I still love Rihanna and have been rocking all her new songs, but I'm afraid she might be a bit resistant to rough sex nowadays, for some reason? That could be an issue for me and really doom our relationship. I thinkJanuary Jones Betty Draper will have to be my new go to celeb wife. Bangable? You bet. A tad bit crazy? For sure. I would be faithful to you, Miss Draper.
CSU football didn't lose: We also didn't play. But the important thing is we didn't lose. I also notice, that dating back to my last blog I had two years ago, CSU hasn't won many games for me. These assholes better beat New Mexico. Beat them like Mike "Tom Cable, Jr." Locksley beats his assistants. End this stupid losing streak and then ruin Wyoming's chance at a bowl. This season may be disapointing, but it can end on a high note. Make this happen. Don't go out like bitches.
Kory Sperry scored a TD this weekend for the Dolphins. He is one big, MEASTLY looking motherfucker. Good for him. Plus he has tattoos.
Greg Camarillo really kinda horned in on Sperry's trademarked chest-pounding after a TD.
The Avs are also returning to Earth: Another Colorado team with a fantastic start and then they begin to fade as the season progresses. Heard this story before? I have. It is like one of those weekends when they play Cast Away all weekend, non-stop. I just sit there watching it, hoping the whole time that Tom Hanks comes home to a hotter wife than Helen Cunt and doesn't lose Wilson. Never happens, but two hours later I find myself watching again.
It is a long season and the Avs have a lot of guys coming back, so hopefully they get back on the grind. Matt Duchene will break out soon, along with Son of Statsny, so they could carry the Avs for a bit.
The Avs also got new jerseys, and boy are they, uh, nice. Santa, no need to stuff one of these down my fake chimney this year. Plus it will be kind of toxic in there, as I plan on burning my Jay Cuntler jizz rag jersey this year.
Speaking of Cunty, ole Boy:
Just missed that jersey number, didn't ya?
The more picks you toss, the higher the Broncos draft pick will be.
AJ and Big Teej will now go light themselves on fire.
At least the Nuggets offer hope: Beating some Laker ass. #DatswhatI'mtalking bout. I would like a Ty Lawson poster as well DJ Mbenga, but I wouldn't want to be in it. Fix your face.
How is your publicist gonna spin that, DoucheJina Mbenga (Pretty sure that's what DJ stands for. And yes, according to Simmons Mbenga does have a publicist).
On a 1-Awesome scale, the Nuggs are as awesome as this Halloween costume. Den Dollock ain't got shit on this baby.
Stories from the club: Two good ones from this week. 1) After the night ended, these two semi-ghetto white trash feaux-gangsters who had been asked to stop flashing "gang" signs earlier, started shit with a group that was mostly girls. I don't know why it started, but it was going on after the club closed, out on the sidewalk, so we had to break it up. One of the tough guys, wearing a hat that repped East County (like repping Rifle or Pueblo, something no one should be proud of) started screaming at these girls that they were ugly and he wouldn't fuck any of them. He was bragging that he was being picked up in a town car, while they were waiting for a taxi. Big time for sure, but as he walked to the towncar screaming, he looked back to laugh and ran head first into a steetpole, loud enough for me to hear the audible "Dong" about 15 feet away. Still didn't shut him up, but it did give everyone a good laugh.
2) After the club closed Sat. some girl came up asking to go to the bathroom. I guess she wasn't hot enough or was a bitch (or maybe he was actually doing his job), but my boy Hank told her she couldn't come in. In anger, protest and just general need, she then decided to pull up her skirt and squat, right in front of the club exit. Her friend held up a shall or jacket to give her a little cover, but probably at least 20 people saw her piss like a gusher all outside the club (No R. Kelly). The only reason everyone on the block wasn't watching her was due to the fact that another girl had gotten a DUI for driving the wrong way down the one way street. Man do I love drunk people.
"Thank god the Twitter is around to help journalists compare Jay Cutler to Jeff George in real time."
On a related note, the great Drew Magary tells me why I love Twitter: Because black people think it is cool. I should have guessed that. A little know fact is that Chad Ochocinco represents 15% (UnoCinco percento) of both Hispanics and blacks.
Random CSU thoughts from Vegas, On why the good turnout, for a game so far from home with shitty teams: CSU fans will show up in mass to two games, against CU and in Las Vegas. Why? Because both of those games offer an awesome chance to party before and after. Hughes, while a blast to tailgate with the right people, doesn't offer that same expirience. When the football team loses a home game it tends to dampen, if not ruin completely, the enthusiam for the postgame party. After the CU/CSU game in Denver and the games in Vegas everyone still wants to get drunk anyway. CSU, and the city of Fort Collins, needs to create some sort of avenue to attract fans to the game. Drink specials at bars or resuraunts with a ticket stub, even a student stub. Concerts (even shitty ones like Common). Closing down the streets in Old Town for a night ala Brew Fest. Get better at football (hopefully on the way, but tough to see). Bring back College Daze (unless I somehow get elected President, never gonna happen).
Or simply, schedule a few more marquee opponents and play them in Denver. Who cares if we catch some ass whoopings? The fans will turn out for a big name opponent and we can start to turn Denver into a CSU town. The more they see CSU in Denver, the more likely grads will want to get a chance to return to Fort Collins. Market the games as a chance to reconnect with all your friends. Set up a system to make dorm hallway, frat, ASAP, or whatever group want to reconnect. Oh wait, there is this thing called Facebook that makes that pretty easy. Well, then start aggressively promoting such ideas. People want to stay connected if they feel they are missing out. So have events, have some interns take pictures and throw them up online. Better than creating Ram Town to attract transplant Foco residents who will be busy taking their runts to soccer practice anyway. Those type of people will attach themselves to the program when the team is good. They are called bandwagon fans, and all the marketing in the world won't work. You have to win to have them, and we certainly aren't doing enough of that.
This post goes well with Wale-Bittersweet playing in the background:
When I was in third grade, after helping my dad win his illicit city-wide football pool (because I have always been a gotdamn sports genius*) he came home with the winnings, set to share that gwap with me. Then, in a Father Knows Best moment gone horribly wrong, he took away all but the two dollar entrance fee, attempting to learn me good about the dangers of gambling with other people's money, or some shit. I started bawling, juked out of my jock like I was trying to tackle Barry Sanders.
That is about the most equitable feeling I can compare to tonight's Rocks loss. Everything was shitty for the Rocks for about 6 innings, and even Tulo's double was soon followed by his blunder. Then, Giambino and Torreablba (seriously, what is with this guy in RockOctober. His walk-up song is "Somos de Calle" by Daddy Yankee, which translated must mean Only Hits After Sept. 1) coming through huge. Followed by Huson Street blowing only his third save of the season, while Fuck-up Lidge somehow strikes out my mancrush. I think Simmons would call this a stomach-punch game. It sucked.
(ASIDE: I should have known, the last time Jon Miles scored Rockies tickets we got swept before he could go. This time he goes and buys tickets to multiple games and brings his bad luck to Coors. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, STOP BUYING FUCKING TICKETS. First Edy with CSU, and now you with my Rox. Quit conspiring against me.)
But, there is a silver-lining and hope for the future for these Rocks, just like the end of my "gambling" story. See, after my tears came out, my mother called my dad a jerk and an asshole, which made me laugh (not out loud) and him feel terrible. Guess who not only got to keep his share of the money, but was also rewarded with my dad's share of the $48 bucks as well. Holler.
Yes, loyal readers, all seven of you, there are many more positives about these Rockies than there are negatives heading into next season. I could go into the negatives, but no one really wants a 40,000-word story describing the black hole-like suckitude of Clint Barmes, which was my alternate idea for this post. (Amaizingly, that story would only feature ten unique words repeated ad nauseam; Cocksucker, Barmes, douchebag, wildabeast-rape, PIIIIISSSSSS, zero, for, fourteen, error, shitfuck).
Addendum: Henceforth I shall not name [the player that batted eighth for the Rockies today]. If he must be referenced, it will be in brackets. [Name redacted]'s pop-ups to deep second and samurai-pose strike outs have driven me to the breaking point.
Positives: The Obvious:
Tulo and Helton will be back to lead us, along with a competent manager. Cook will be solid again.
Cargo: I wonder if right now Billy Beane would even consider trading Matt Holliday straight-up for Carlos Gonzalez if he could revisit it. Mr. Lazorbeams just tore it up, at 23-years old, facing plus left-handed pitching in almost every at bat. A true five-tool player, he could be an all-star for the next decade if he continues to play like he did in the second half of this season.
And since I earlier suggested a song, well Gonzo should use Chester French's "I'm So Tall" as his walk-up song next season. "I'm so tall that Lazor beams are shooting out of my face." Yes, yes they are.
Ubaldo:
He is only 25. He only throws the hardest of anyone in the majors. He only breaks off stuff so filthy it should be condemned.
The U-Ball still makes a few mistakes a game, and has yet to put together one of those truly dominating performances, but he will, and hopefully that comes next year. He is already the best pitcher ever for the Rockies (a list that is neither long, nor distinguished) and I cannot wait to see him shove fastball up people's asses next season (no homo). I suggest "Beauty Queen" by Leather Dynamite, (unless you are at work) because, well, he doesn't seem that tough when you first look at him, all gangly and slow, but then wow, that just comes out of nowhere and shocks you.
DEX and EY2:
Also 23, Mr Fowler is the second young outfielder that should be entrenched in the "really, really big" outfield at Coors for the next decade, at the least. While not as powerful as Lazors Gonzalez, he is faster and still learning to hit from the left side of the plate, taking it up just four years ago after he was drafted. As we saw tonight (when he posterized Chase Utley) the boy has skillz.
EY2 is even fucking faster than Dex. Also a switch hitter, with a bit of pop (like his pops), he can fly. Just think if he had pulled that ball into the hole just a bit tonight, he would have easily beaten the throw. Imagine a Rockies lineup with him leading off, Dexter in the two-hole and Carlos third. Then a little bit of Tulo cleaning-up and little bit of Helton coming next. There is a melody to that like a Lou Bega song (Mambo #5). I think I just sported wood. (Yes, EY2 to second base, replacing [name redacted]. Just thinking of him caused me to stab myself in the abdomen with my nail file. FUCK.]
Bonus: Each already have awesome walk-up songs that are fitting, "Run This Town" ('cause he fast) and "Stuntin Like My Daddy" ('cause of his daddy. VROOM on that Yahama).
Roster Flexibility:
The ability to trade Hairy Atkins, B(r)ad Hawpe, [name redacted], Spilly, Torre or someone for some more pitching. We also have a deep farm system that could be used, but certainly one or more of those listed could be moved. Marquis is as good as gone, Atkins will give way to Stewie, (and I still think should have in the postseason even though Garret played all right) and I think that Seth Smith would put up similar numbers to Hawpe with a full season.
Let's trade Hawpe and Atkins for relief pitching and/or prospects. Also, let's offer [Suckmaster 2B], Dinger and the damn home run song to Azerbaijan for some pubic hair and call it even. Here is my mock-up of my dream lineup next year:
1. EY2 2b
2. Dex CF
3. Carlos RF
4. Tulo SS
5. Helton 1B
6. Stewart 3B
7. Iannetta C
8. Smith LF
Bench:
[Player that I hate more than Jamie Carrol, and man do I hate Jamie Carrol]
Right-handed veteran who can play 1B, 3B, or a corner OF position. Someone cheap but with pop; Troy Glaus, Craig Counsell, Gabe Kappler, Fernando Tatis, etc.
If he is willing, resign Giambi
Spilly
Torre
A Deep Pitching Staff:
1. U-Ball
2. A healthy Jeff Francis
3. Cookie
4. De la Rosa
5. Hammel/Franklin Morales/Chacin
Relievers:
Closer: Street. He only blew three all year. Probably wasn't healthy and/or sharp after his injury late in the year, but you can't give up on him just because he was rocky. And yes, Rory, I do "Hate Him Now"
8th: Bettancourt. Dude is nails. Captain Clutch needs to be resigned
7th: Matt Daley and whichever of our #5 candidates loses out.
Also: Keep Joe Beimel if we can, sign another lefty specialist and get another solid veteran (LaTroya Hawkins?)
Yep, that shit is tight. We have power pitchers from the right side and from the left. Promising youngsters and proven veterans. Depth to carry us through the inevitable injury.
It was a damn good run this year. The ending for every team except one is bitter, but there were a ton of sweet moments this season. Yes, next season, I run to you, with open arms
*The asterik above is due to the fact that I found it funny, that while writing about my genious status, I misspelled three words, at least.
