FREE GILBERT: Boycotting the NBA

Agent Zero is always carrying

(IF you find this blog post a bit rambly and unfocused, it was not that I was up too late while still hungover from a work trip, it was a nod towards Gil's wonderful and ramblin' blog on NBA.com, that the NBA hasn't pulled yet, shockingly. Or at least that is the excuse I am sticking with.)

Until Agent Zero returns I refuse to watch the NBA (live). Oh sure, I wasn't watching much anyway, due to the fact that I don't have Altitude out here and hate several of the marquee players and fans with a smoldering passion, and I am just one man, but what the NBA, aka Stern, did to Gil isn't right. And the Wizards trying to run him off is even worse.

It is well known that Gil is my favorite NBA player. I love him and I refuse to let a little gun possession sway my man-crush. I mean, I live in a state that voted the Terminator in as governor, I think it is clear this country is gun-obsessed. What is worse, starring in tons of movies that glorify violence or telling someone to shoot you in the knee? BUT IT WAS IN AN NBA ARENA.

If Delonte West isn't suspended for his gun-possession and reckless behavior, I don't understand why Gilbert is. The man made a stupid mistake. He should be suspended eventually, probably for about 15-20 games, for that stupidity, and he might have some jail time, but banning him mostly because of his jokes is childish.

Basically the NBA suspended Gil for laughing about the situation. That is how he handles everything. He never threatened anyone, despite Peter Vescey's godawful and incorrect story, so he used Twitter and his fingerpistols dance to lighten the mood and reinforce the fact that he isn't a "gun-toting thug," as he was painted by some in the media. Everyone in that huddle has a look of unbridled joy on their face, they know that Gil isn't really a threat.

It has been argued that Gil had to be suspended because he didn't express regret and was joking about it, but some people handle regret by making jokes. I am one of those people. I can laugh at failure. I hate failure, I hate when I make mistakes, but to get over I would rather laugh it away than cry or feel miserable. The laughter is a coping mechanism. Sorry if that offends people, but I would rather have an athlete be able to laugh at their mistake than have them play the PR game with contrived press conferences and or run away to hide like Tiger.

But image conscious David Stern doesn't like people to make jokes. Still over-correcting from the Brawl in the Palace, Stern is an old, white guy who thinks that white America hates basketball because it is played by young, black men. If someone is that closed-minded that they won't watch a sport because of the race of the players then you aren't winning them over, no matter what.

Quit trying to take the hip-hop and the edge out of the league, to appeal to white folks. I don't love to watch the NBA because of guys like Tim Duncan. Yes, he is a great basketball player, but Arenas connected with me as a fan. I would pay to see him play. He is not only very talented, but he has a sense of humor that the NBA loved, until it went to far once, and then they cut him off and have basically kicked him to the curb.

Just like when Melo got 15 games for slapping someone and Nate Robison got only ten when he started the whole brawl, Stern makes no sense. Fuck that fucking guy.

Gil was the one NBA player who always said what was on his mind, why would he change now? It is the way he deals with stress, he laughs it off. His Twitter account was the most entertaining I have ever seen, even if it only lasted for three days. You shouldn't take a man's livelihood away because of a joke.

There are a ton of NBA players who have done worse, and they saw little to no punishment, but Gilbert is unfit to play because he isn't PC? That makes no sense. Ruben Patterson is a fucking registered sex offender but he gets to play again. I already mentioned D-West. JR killed a guy. Todd Bertuzzi gets to play hockey after paralyzing a guy. Shit, is this country so reactive that we will throw Gil out of the league for putting himself in danger. 

If the NBA even gave a timetable for the suspension I could see it, but just an indefinite suspension. That just makes it tough for unstable people like Gil and myself to deal with.

And the Wizards organization is the worst. They made a mistake signing Gil's huge contract, but now they are using this opportunity to try to cut their losses. Ernie Grunfeld handed Gil too much money and, in order to save his job, now is trying to save his own ass by cutting Gil loose after ratting him out to the league office. The organization then got rid of everything Gil, taking down pictures and editing him out of pregame videos. This is all based on the moral high ground that recently deceased Abe Pollin hated guns (why he changed the name from Bullets to the uber-gay Wizards). But the Wiz still sell Bullets merchandise and obviously weren't super anti-gun, as two players on the team felt comfortable taking them into the locker room.

The NBA has a gun culture. Tons of players have been robbed. Shit, Gil plays in the same city where Sean Taylor played, I think he might know the danger being a rich celebrity has. He isn't the first, nor will he be the last NBA player who brings a gun to the arena. I guarantee you that many of them carry, and Devin Harris' 75% statement is probably true. So will they make an example out of Gil because this story was sensationalized? I guess they are.

And until I have my Gilbert back I won't be watching any NBA games live. Or until I forget about this pledge the next time the Nuggets are on TNT.


Bonus Prediction:
When Gil gets back in the league, and I say when, not if, he is going to fucking kill the league. He has always had an edge and has punished teams for screwing him over, and maybe his huge contract took off that edge and made him feel bulletproof (pun intended), but no one wants to play an angry Agent Zero, I can tell you that.

Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Week 5

When we last left Jersey Shore, Snookers had just taken a shot to the jaw. It was beautiful, until MTV cut it. Weak. It was nowhere as tough as the LaGarrett Blount Falcon Punch . Really, those are the two moments that will always stick in my memory when I think of 2009, Snookie and the Blount. Kind of shows what a bleh year 2009 was, that two white bitches getting socked are my defining memories.

Anyway, I know that I am late with this, but I was still so drunk/hungover when this episode first aired that I was incapable of drinking (and I also had to report to work on New Years), and I didn't want to rob you of my drunken opinions of the only greatest reality TV show there is (I wanted to say only, but I have started watching two others. Before you judge, realize one focuses on CSU and the other features some clown from CSU. Maybe more on the latter, later). So without further adieu, here are my snap reactions to episode 5:

-Honestly, how in the world did the Situation not beat some ass. Just one or two swings, even half-hearted and that guy is dining on pussy the rest of his life. He would be a hero for standing up for girls everywhere. Instead he froze like someone shot by Schwartzenager in that awful Batman movie (insert more current reference here). I also like how Ronnie acts like Mike is a bitch, but he didn't do shit either. None of them did. That is weak.

-Mike "El Situation" creeping still after Snooks got blasted was maybe the most hilarious moment of 2009. Just absolutely no class. That is like stealing a man's wallet after he gets jumped, lays bleeding to death, and not calling 911. And yet he still comes off better than some of the other cast-members at the close of this episode. This cast is more shallow than a kiddie pool.

-The cops make Snookie walk home. Jersey Shore Po-Po need to step up. You even make the Bonedale Police look lazy.

-Everyone decides they actually like Snookie after she gets KTFO. As if that is some sort of badge of honor.

-Even Ron-Ron's parents are shallow and all about themselves. Or, as Vinnie calls them, good people. (Wa-Wa-What?)

-Ron, to his mother: "Drink your Mimosa, smoke another cigarette and take it easy." Ron, your mother just wants to get her cancer tan on, don't make her get her cancer smoke on.

-Vinnie is like a fucking lost puppy so far in this show, just tagging along. For fuck's sake, do something. If anyone is playing my game and drafted Vin, you now know how Detroit Lions fans have felt about every draft since 1989 (Barry Sanders, fyi).

-J-Woww's advice to Snook. "Let's drink heavily." Based on that line alone, I want to marry her. She is a woman after my own heart. Every situation can be solved with shots and rapid chugging of beer.

-Snookers, on killing Lobsters: "I don't like to eat anything that is alive when you kill it." Good thing it is a well-known fact that cows are born dead, or else hamburgers would be off my personal menu as well.

-DJ Pauly D, on the strength of his hair gel. : "I'm not sure my hair is bulletproof, but I'm not about to test it." I am willing to bet there is a significant portion of Americans that are willing to test this for you. "I'll play the part of the barber and put a part up in your hair. Sit inside of my barber's chair, I'll let the four-fifths clippers clip a ni--a" Gratuitous rap lyric supplied by Ray Cash- Killa With the Flow (prod. by the Kickdrums

-Pauly D on some girls: "They aren't whores. We might have to see them once or twice." Vinnie piles on. "Some girls will come in and jump into the hot tub. Some girls you have to treat like human beings." I hate bitches that I have to treat as human beings. I want to fuck alien bitches. Mainly illegal alien bitches. You have to pay less that way. And you can beat them up without paying extra.


-FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT. Chick fight and Snookie didn't even get a fresh one in the kisser. J-Woww done Guido Windmilled some bitch. Then, she had to adjust her boobs, because they were pointing completely different directions. Like googly-eyed Jason Ibanez from my high school soccer team (or Stuart Scott, for you non-Carboners)

ASIDE: I see a whole shit load of boob jobs out here in Cali, and all I can say is, girls, go the whole ten yards. Don't half-ass a boob job like J-Woww. I appreciate all boobs, real or fake, but when they look like they are trying to separate like Jon and Kate (whoo, totally out of date reference) it kinda grinds my gears. Make sure you go under the muscles, the over-the-top treatment just doesn't work. Boobs should work together, they should not be trying to avoid each other like the polar sides of magnets.

-Ronald dispenses some great advice, on J-Woww's boyfriend Tom, who is a biggity-bitch: "I would send her a picture of my dick and some bubble gum." If I ever were able to have an ex-girlfriend, I would send her this. I should send this to a bunch like my one hook-up. Look out, (radio edit). This would actually be a nice present since Trophy Wife's mother said I had a nice looking penis once upon a time. Again, this would mean I would have to have a girlfriend, and that will probably never happen, until I am more whipped than Ron-Ron.

-Vinnie finally breaks out. Stealing the bosses bitch. What a way to finish. It only took him five episodes to finally shine. Is he a Chauncey Billups, a late-bloomer who became captain clutch, or is he a Kenny Anderson who teased us with potential and never amounted to shit? The jury is out.

Next Week: Is only two days away. The best part about procrastinating is that you shorten the waiting time. Right?

P.S. The Real World features some kid from CSU. I will update on him as well, but the AZN summarized him best after one episode, and when I can steal material, I do (Ignore her bad grammar):

"thanks to RW23 and Andrew, Colorado is represented as a nerdy, hilarious lying, sexually active but not really at all, racist, retarded, stuffed animal lovin, kind of creepy, kind of awesome state... HEY RAMMIE, way to rep your C-STATERS."

Why the fuck wasn't I on the Real World? Bullshit!

The Rockies have so many positives (and a negative loses his name). This one has music...

This post goes well with Wale-Bittersweet playing in the background:

When I was in third grade, after helping my dad win his illicit city-wide football pool (because I have always been a gotdamn sports genius*) he came home with the winnings, set to share that gwap with me. Then, in a Father Knows Best moment gone horribly wrong, he took away all but the two dollar entrance fee, attempting to learn me good about the dangers of gambling with other people's money, or some shit. I started bawling, juked out of my jock like I was trying to tackle Barry Sanders.

That is about the most equitable feeling I can compare to tonight's Rocks loss. Everything was shitty for the Rocks for about 6 innings, and even Tulo's double was soon followed by his blunder. Then, Giambino and Torreablba (seriously, what is with this guy in RockOctober. His walk-up song is "Somos de Calle" by Daddy Yankee, which translated must mean Only Hits After Sept. 1) coming through huge. Followed by Huson Street blowing only his third save of the season, while Fuck-up Lidge somehow strikes out my mancrush. I think Simmons would call this a stomach-punch game. It sucked.

(ASIDE: I should have known, the last time Jon Miles scored Rockies tickets we got swept before he could go. This time he goes and buys tickets to multiple games and brings his bad luck to Coors. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, STOP BUYING FUCKING TICKETS. First Edy with CSU, and now you with my Rox. Quit conspiring against me.)

But, there is a silver-lining and hope for the future for these Rocks, just like the end of my "gambling" story. See, after my tears came out, my mother called my dad a jerk and an asshole, which made me laugh (not out loud) and him feel terrible. Guess who not only got to keep his share of the money, but was also rewarded with my dad's share of the $48 bucks as well. Holler.

Yes, loyal readers, all seven of you, there are many more positives about these Rockies than there are negatives heading into next season. I could go into the negatives, but no one really wants a 40,000-word story describing the black hole-like suckitude of Clint Barmes, which was my alternate idea for this post. (Amaizingly, that story would only feature ten unique words repeated ad nauseam; Cocksucker, Barmes, douchebag, wildabeast-rape, PIIIIISSSSSS, zero, for, fourteen, error, shitfuck).

Addendum: Henceforth I shall not name [the player that batted eighth for the Rockies today]. If he must be referenced, it will be in brackets. [Name redacted]'s pop-ups to deep second and samurai-pose strike outs have driven me to the breaking point.

Positives:
The Obvious:
Tulo and Helton will be back to lead us, along with a competent manager. Cook will be solid again.


Cargo: I wonder if right now Billy Beane would even consider trading Matt Holliday straight-up for Carlos Gonzalez if he could revisit it. Mr. Lazorbeams just tore it up, at 23-years old, facing plus left-handed pitching in almost every at bat. A true five-tool player, he could be an all-star for the next decade if he continues to play like he did in the second half of this season.

And since I earlier suggested a song, well Gonzo should use Chester French's "I'm So Tall" as his walk-up song next season. "I'm so tall that Lazor beams are shooting out of my face." Yes, yes they are.

Ubaldo:
He is only 25. He only throws the hardest of anyone in the majors. He only breaks off stuff so filthy it should be condemned.

The U-Ball still makes a few mistakes a game, and has yet to put together one of those truly dominating performances, but he will, and hopefully that comes next year. He is already the best pitcher ever for the Rockies (a list that is neither long, nor distinguished) and I cannot wait to see him shove fastball up people's asses next season (no homo). I suggest "Beauty Queen" by Leather Dynamite, (unless you are at work) because, well, he doesn't seem that tough when you first look at him, all gangly and slow, but then wow, that just comes out of nowhere and shocks you.

DEX and EY2:
Also 23, Mr Fowler is the second young outfielder that should be entrenched in the "really, really big" outfield at Coors for the next decade, at the least. While not as powerful as Lazors Gonzalez, he is faster and still learning to hit from the left side of the plate, taking it up just four years ago after he was drafted. As we saw tonight (when he posterized Chase Utley) the boy has skillz.

EY2 is even fucking faster than Dex. Also a switch hitter, with a bit of pop (like his pops), he can fly. Just think if he had pulled that ball into the hole just a bit tonight, he would have easily beaten the throw. Imagine a Rockies lineup with him leading off, Dexter in the two-hole and Carlos third. Then a little bit of Tulo cleaning-up and little bit of Helton coming next. There is a melody to that like a Lou Bega song (Mambo #5). I think I just sported wood. (Yes, EY2 to second base, replacing [name redacted]. Just thinking of him caused me to stab myself in the abdomen with my nail file. FUCK.]

Bonus: Each already have awesome walk-up songs that are fitting, "Run This Town" ('cause he fast) and "Stuntin Like My Daddy" ('cause of his daddy. VROOM on that Yahama).

Roster Flexibility:
The ability to trade Hairy Atkins, B(r)ad Hawpe, [name redacted], Spilly, Torre or someone for some more pitching. We also have a deep farm system that could be used, but certainly one or more of those listed could be moved. Marquis is as good as gone, Atkins will give way to Stewie, (and I still think should have in the postseason even though Garret played all right) and I think that Seth Smith would put up similar numbers to Hawpe with a full season.

Let's trade Hawpe and Atkins for relief pitching and/or prospects. Also, let's offer [Suckmaster 2B], Dinger and the damn home run song to Azerbaijan for some pubic hair and call it even.

Here is my mock-up of my dream lineup next year:
1. EY2 2b
2. Dex CF
3. Carlos RF
4. Tulo SS
5. Helton 1B
6. Stewart 3B
7. Iannetta C
8. Smith LF
Bench:
[Player that I hate more than Jamie Carrol, and man do I hate Jamie Carrol]
Right-handed veteran who can play 1B, 3B, or a corner OF position. Someone cheap but with pop; Troy Glaus, Craig Counsell, Gabe Kappler, Fernando Tatis, etc.

If he is willing, resign Giambi
Spilly
Torre

A Deep Pitching Staff: 
1. U-Ball
2. A healthy Jeff Francis
3. Cookie
4. De la Rosa
5. Hammel/Franklin Morales/Chacin

Relievers:
Closer: Street. He only blew three all year. Probably wasn't healthy and/or sharp after his injury late in the year, but you can't give up on him just because he was rocky. And yes, Rory, I do "Hate Him Now"
8th: Bettancourt. Dude is nails. Captain Clutch needs to be resigned
7th: Matt Daley and whichever of our #5 candidates loses out.
Also: Keep Joe Beimel if we can, sign another lefty specialist and get another solid veteran (LaTroya Hawkins?)

Yep, that shit is tight. We have power pitchers from the right side and from the left. Promising youngsters and proven veterans. Depth to carry us through the inevitable injury.

It was a damn good run this year. The ending for every team except one is bitter, but there were a ton of sweet moments this season. Yes, next season, I run to you, with open arms

*The asterik above is due to the fact that I found it funny, that while writing about my genious status, I misspelled three words, at least.