I apologize sincerely for the lack of blogs lately, but the combination of 60 hour work weeks and no computer has seriously hamstrung your boy. But, thanks to my sister's roommates boyfriend-ish guy, my computer is alive, and soon I'll have me a pretty little Macbook as well, so I will have no excuse (save my epic laziness).
Still, it isn't like much has happened in the last few weeks. Yes, I still owe a Nuggs and Avs season recap, but we are in no rush for those, as both leagues are still in the midst of the playoffs. The Rockies are pretty much treading water lately, Tim Tebow has his own ESPN page so what really can I add and even Liverpool crapped out on me in the EPL. Lakers vs. Celtics is so gay (and 2000 & Late /gay Black Eyed Fergie), LeBron watch is almost as annoying as Favre watch and if I have to watch another Red Sox/Yankees game on ESPN I will cut out my own eyes.
So really there isn't any point even paying attention to sports right now? Enjoy the sunshine in San Diego and work hard to get ahead in life, that is the plan.
Hahashaha. Fuck that. Sacky Sack will always find some reasons to watch sports, so here is your summer viewing guide:
#1 The World Cup: I missed most of the Premier League season with no FSC (and I had no FIFA to help me cope), but it was pretty fucking weak. Torres was all hurted, Chelsea beat everyone senseless, every team is going fucking bankrupt or some shit. But none of that matters now, as every person in the world will have enough soccer (err, futbol) to entertain them for an entire month. Every day from June 11-on is equivalent to the Super Bowl for at least four countries. That is so badass.
I get a boner every time I think about it. The best part? That the games start at like 7AM Cali time each day, perfect for my schedule. Guess who is gonna do lots of morning drinking? This motherfucker, that's who.
I'll try to get out my own World Cup Preview soon, rife with stereotypes and incorrect assesments of teams based soley on my like/dislike of players in FIFA (For Example: Fuck the Godamn Czech Republic because of that helmet wearing cunt Petr Cech).
#2 Ubaldo Jimenez: Like me, you may not have witnessed his no-no. Unlike me, you probably didn't happen to see him lose his only game (OH NOS I am bringing Edy/Kilometers level jinxers on my teams now. Too much Cali). But every time the U-Ball grabs the ball-o-twine greatness might explode from his hand. So at least once a week the Rocks are must see TV. Tune in, bitches.
#3 NBA Free Agency: Yes, I bitched about the Bron-Bron overkill, but what happens this summer is gonna be insane. And it will affect the Nuggs, even if they aren't directly involved. I mean, say LBJ ends up on the Clippers or Mavericks, suddenly WTF do the Nuggies do? Other than try to induce Texas into declaring war on the US and getting the Mavs axed from the league? We can't get past the Jazz flutes, how are we gonna get past Kobe, LBJ as well? Shit.
Even better what if, what if LBJ signs with the Wizards. Even sans Gil, Lebron plus Wall, McGee and Blatche is a frightening team. Most athletic team in history potential. Not saying, just saying.
#4 Always Sunny In Philly: Replays on Comedy Central. FTW bitches. I have watched way too much Scrubs on that channel, they needed something else. This will work great.
#5 MLB Quick Pitch: Remember when they showed highlights on Baseball Tonight or Sportscenter? No. Well watch the MLB Network's nightly show and enjoy pretty much every run from every game. If you aren't lucky enough to have FSN and the Rockies Double Play, this is the best you can get. Tivo'd nightly, for sure.
#6 Stanley Cup Finals: I hate Philly fans and teams. I'm not a big fan of Chi-Town teams and their constantly whining fanbases. Still, this should be a great match-up. If not just for the team colors. Black and Red vs. Black and Orange. White ice. This is what HDTV was made for. Too bad I don't have one. Guess I'll have to hit the bar for this.
#7 NBA Finals: I'll watch, but unless the Suns advance, I'm rooting for an Earthquake to swallow LA and Boston simultaneously. Yep, I'm willing to risk my life in a floating California afterworld in exchange for these two teams dying.
#8 Tebow: Will he circumcise his fellow rookies? Will he throw a ball out of Dove Valley all the way to Colorado Springs? Will he continue to throw like a gay? Find out on 9News at 10.
#9 Me: I'll bounce into Colorado (Front Range) June 5-11, Ohio June 24-28 (or something), hopefully The Dale for Mountain Fair (late July for those fags unaware), Vegas or Powell (or both) around August 20, probably Denver for CSU-Cunty U in Sept and maybe a trip to NY in the fall. I love me some me, and if I continue to work 60 hours a week like this I might as well spend my cash money millions on myself. Also, some of you queers should come visit the beach whilst I live here. How often do you get a free place on the beach?
Good times and fruit salad,
-Sack
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
JESUS PLAYS FOR BRONCOS NOW: Or how I stopped hating and learned to love the Tebow-Jesus
Tim Tebow banged this chick, but in a way only
someone so Christian can do. She did not abort the baby,
instead Tim Tebow's seed aborted her. Thus she never existed
to tempt the man-God that is Tim Tebow.
Still sans computer, I have been away for a few weeks. But fortunately not much has happened in the sports world since then.
OH, except everything. But reacting to Tebow is most important.
And apparently based on what I wrote below, I have picked back up the Peyote habit. Enjoy:
I remember having a facebook discussion with my boy Kevan (who penned this lovely Super Bowl preview) last fall about the possibility of the Broncos selecting Tim Tebow, as I kind of laughed it off as a worst-case scenario. But as the draft approached I just kept feeling it in my soul that McDaniels was going to pick Tebow, probably the college football player I have hated more than any other college football player* since Chris Simms (also, of course, a Bronco last year). [This excludes players at that shithole in Boulder, I hate them all so much more. Especially Scotty McKnight. May the dementia from this hit set in ASAP]
Tebow is the apex of the ESPN-overhype machine, just rammed down your throat constantly as a "great leader" and "such an amazing person." Which is cool, but I don't need to be reminded of this every six seconds. So every time Tebow's name was mentioned I grew to hate him just a little more, just like BrettFarverer. And since he was mentioned a approx. twenty-gagillion times, my level of anti-Tebow hatred was so thick it was being used as food in several third-world countries (like Oklahoma).
In the days before the draft I was so angry that I declared my intentions to file fan free agency papers if/when the Broncos took Tebow. And I followed through on this promise. For about a day I was no longer a Broncos fan. I was seriously questioning if I even wanted to be a fan of an NFL team, or if I just wanted to cheer for ex-CSU guys and just start following the NFL as a fan of the game, not a particular team. The Broncos, and pro football, over the course of the last decade had left me that jaded.
But now, a week later, I am a Tebow fan. How, you ask? Well let me tell you:
I turned to meditation to lead me to the light. I ate only Orange Crush and sniffed blue Kool-Aid for seven days whilst reading all of the Denver Broncos Scriptures, and in my delirious haze I was blessed with a vision.
At first it was terrible, as I was surrounded with NFL-demons vying for my football soul, trying to snatch my two blessed Lombardi trophies away. Marmalard de Float, Cutler of Douche, the soulless Al Davis and the most evil Schottenhiemer, and more, were tearing at me. Then, Elway-God, atop his magical horse, the Sharpest of Shannon, descended from the Gates of Mile High vanquishing Cleveland Browns and Oakland Raiders alike with lightning bolts flung from his right hand. He slew defenders of every NFL team out to get me.
Only one foe remained, an opponent that was almost an exact copy of Elway-God, but warped like a fun house mirror reflection. It was wearing blue and orange. It was striking in it's prototypical NFL quarterback look. But instead of Super Bowl trophies like the Elway-God, it held two NCAA Trophies, was left handed and wore #15. Yes, Tebow stood in to face Elway-God.
It appeared the two would have to fight to the death, for only one could hold my devotion whilst the other must perish. One human can only worship one being. They clashed, but suddenly from within the Tebow shouts rang out proclaiming him "the greatest leader since Ghengis Kahn" and "the best person to walk the Earth." An army of prognosticators and football experts came charging out of him, attacking the Elway-God. It seemed that there was no hope, but at the last moment the Elway-God reached deep into his bag of tricks, scrambled from the pocket and unleashed a 70-yard throw across the field to a wide-open Marc Jackson, saving the day.
He then turned to the Tebow and said, "You will never have the arm to do such a thing. Your release takes far too long."
And with that the Tebow's supporters suddenly turned on him, attacking his every flaw. "Never be an NFL QB." "Drafted too soon." "Another McMistake." "Dan LeFavor is better." They screamed and mocked. They tore him to bits, until the giant Tebow beast was devastated beyond recognition.
Humbled, I approached Elway-God with the withered corpse of the Tebow, and apologized for my wavering belief in the one divine Elway.
He turned to me, gave me his big-toothed smile, and said, "It is never to late to mount a comeback."
And with that, he placed his hand on Tebow, sending a surge of light and life into his body.
The Elway-God then spoke: "The Tebow has been cast down, beaten. He has had his own people torment him. But now he will become the chosen quarterback to lead fourth-quarter comebacks. For his entire career will be a comeback.
"I know dub thee, Tebow-Jesus. He shall lead your Broncos and chop the tip of your dick off."
And that, my friends, is how I came to be a fan of the Tebow-Jesus.
(It was either that, or I watched a a replay of the draft and decided that Tebow was so genuinely happy to play for us that I couldn't be mad anymore. Whichever story you prefer...)
Monday, April 5, 2010
I Like To Call It Lost Wages: 2010
The last time I went to Vegas it was for less than 48 hours, but man was it great. A raging weekend with plenty of cameos from my current and long-lost friends. This trip was a little different: I was going for a whole week (help me God) and I was allegedly there as a volenteer for the Mountain West Conference.
Spending a whole week in Sin City and trying to impress potential employers meant that I should probably work hard and take it easy at night, saving up my energy for a huge party the final night in town. But, c'mon, you know me better than that. I firmly beleive that only Allen Iverson can perform better the day after a bender than I, so of course I burned the candle on both ends. Here are some of the highlights and observations I picked up from a jam packed weekend.
-Has anyone ever had a Southwest flight take off on time? Because I haven't. The streak continued as I sat on the runway for over an hour waiting for my flight to take off. And I wasn't even drunk for it. I will never fly sober again. FUUUUUCCCKKKK
-Monday is the set-up day for the tournament but there really wasn't much to be done, so I spent my day playing with the four and eight year-old children of some fellow volenteers. It started as a game of catch with a volleyball and quickly devolved into a game of throw the ball at Sack's face. For the rest of the week I then had to watch out for the little child, Toni, trying to hit me whenever she saw me. Due to her roughly 3 ft size, this often resulted in her taking swings at my crotch. FUNNY EVERY TIME.
-When I checked into my hotel room I was asked if a Mrs. Edy Trey-vor would be staying with me. Edy did bail on the trip because he got a real person job, and I know his gf has his balls, but I don't know about the sex change?
-Everyone hates New Mexico fans, even other New Mexico fans. Those people are horrible. And ugly. Plus, the "Everyone's a Lobo, woof, woof, woof" cheer is more retarded than anything ever.
-I did tournament notes the first couple days which was all women's games and they set a ton of records. For missed shots and rebounds. Yep, women's basketball, it's FAAANNNNN-Tastic!
-For the second year in a row TCU takes home the award for hottest dance team. Man are they smoking. My TCU crush has been explored on this blog in the past, but man do I love TCU. And there dance coach, probably the hottest woman I have ever talked to. She asked me to find out when her team performed and I'm pretty sure that meant she wanted to bang me at center court. It was awesome. (I wrote a very detailed account of how this would have gone down, but you have to pay $3.99/day to subscribe to that page of the blog)
-There were 12 Canadian kids from some school in Ottowa who volunteered as well, and man were they entertaining. In the fact that I spent the entire week mocking their accents, asking them questions about being set adrift and explaining how fucking awesome America was compared to their bitch asses. They kept bringing up some Hawk-E sport that they apparently beat us at, but I had no idea what they were talking about.
The biggest difference I noticed between US and THEM was that we love Chipotle and they love donuts, Seriously, those fucking Canucks looked at Chipotle like it was a turd wrapped in foil. Fuck them, don’tchaknow?
Also, I asked them what are some well-known Canadian beers besides Molson and LaBatt's, and one of them tried to claim Coors. Fuck off, buddy.
-One of the nights we went to O'Sheas to play some beer pong, and I was fucking awful. I still won, but my skillz is deteriorating way too quickly now that I am old and gay. This trip convinced me I need to re-enroll in college because real life sucks.
The highlight of O'Sheas was this video game I started playing with some random people, that was basically memory match with porn pictures. "She is wearing a g-string in the first picture and a garter in the second." Winner! We made it through 20 rounds before I was pulled away to play more pong.
-There is nothing better in the world than being able to travel around with an open container everywhere. Whenever I wasn't "working" I had a beer in hand. Why can't the rest of America just give up on rules like Vegas?
-I was the CSU locker room steward during their near upset against SDSU, which means I had the fun job of making sure my boy Andy Ogide stayed in the locker room after getting kicked out and I got to commiserate with Coach Miles after another excruciating loss.
Other behind the scenes notes: Scotty Reynolds of Air Force thought he was going to be fired...Jimmer Fredette and Johnathan Tavernari do not like each other...New Mexico’s players are even bigger dicks than the fans, as Darrington (awesome name) Hobson kicked a trash can that hit his assistant SID and then proceed to tell HER to "Fuck off" as he ran from the locker room so he could avoid being interviewed. What a bitch ass son.
-I was able to check out the newest and trendiest club in Vegas, Haze. One of the volunteers, this girl from Minnesota, got us in and then managed to do what girls do in order to get us some free drinks.
The club was pretty cool with an entire wall of lights, but for such a big club it had a tiny ass dance floor. I also ran into several TCU players fresh off their elimination, including my Slavic brothers Zvonco Buljan and Edvinas Ruzgas. See, I told you TCU kicks ass.
While at the club I got cockblocked by some random white rappers because the girl I was dancing with thought they sucked.
Fortunetly I regrouped and managed to meet some lovely (read; big titted, loose morals) girls from West Virginia to spend the remainder of the evening with. I'm pretty sure they clung to me because I initially hit on them while with some random black dude that Minnesota had met, and we all know how racist people from West Virginia are. So this was one of those rare instances where racism favored the white guy. Who woulda thunk it?
The other girl that was feeling me the whole rip, well she was from Monument. Fitting, since all I do is creep on friends of my friends, that girls I meet in Vegas would have a connection to Edy.
-I was also the San Diego State locker room steward, and since they won the whole tournament I was able to spend a lot of quality time with their SIDs. I at least was offered an internship out of the deal. See, a reward for my hard work.
-On the final night Minnesota, myself, Monument and another volunteer from West Virginia (not connected with the WV girls, we'll call him Tom) went to Tao. There was supposed to be some free drink deal, but of course it was only for girls, so Tom and I mainlined $15 Vodkas for a bit and wandered. Though I went to Tao during my last stop in Vegas, I really remembered nothing of it. It is a giant fucking place with multiple stories, all of which I apparently missed the first time.
-We bounced from Tao shortly after our new British friends got in trouble for taking pictures of girls waiting in the line for the bathroom on the balcony above us (so directly upskirt, cheerio). We met up with all our Canadian friends at some random bar on the strip that featured the most intense DJ in history. He was basically the Travis Barker of the turntables, overdoing everything.
-Tom and I spent much of the evening giving people Manwhiches. It was very effective at scaring away creeper guys who wouldn't leave the girls we were with alone.
-At one point a girl got worried that her parents, that were flying to meet her in Vegas, hadn't called to check in. I googled "Las Vegas Plane Crash Die" on my phone and proudly showed her no results. I'm so sensitive.
-After we returned to the hotel and went to the hot tub, I decided that more beer was needed. I planned a quick trip up the hotel room, but as soon as I hit the lobby I misjudged my wetness and I packed shit, possibly suffering a concussion. Undeterred I continued on my pursuit of necessary alcohol and ran up to one of the Canadian's room to grab some beer. Up there, I spotted a bottle of wine and attempted to open it. With no opener I started grabbling random objects to try to jam the cork down to open. In the process I dropped one of the tall boy Coors Lights onto my toe, cutting it without my knowledge. I bled all over the bathroom for a while before I noticed. Sadly I never got the wine bottle open.
-For the second consecutive night we ended the night in the hottub watching the sunrise. Fortunately I was able to go home and sleep, but Tom had to rush to catch his 8 am flight back.
-I spent the next day wandering Vegas in a hungover/drunk stupor waiting for my evening flight, and when I finally got to the airport I found out that my flight delayed until at least 11pm. I managed to talk my way onto an earlier flight, which was sweet, until the pilot told us that our current plane had been delayed because a baggage cart had run into it and they needed to double-check everything. COMFORTING.
In addition there was some drunk ass lady who spent the entire flight home vomiting. At some point the smell was so bad that I kind of hoped the plane would crash. It didn't.
Man do I love Vegas, even if I will be trying to pay off this trip for about three months.
Spending a whole week in Sin City and trying to impress potential employers meant that I should probably work hard and take it easy at night, saving up my energy for a huge party the final night in town. But, c'mon, you know me better than that. I firmly beleive that only Allen Iverson can perform better the day after a bender than I, so of course I burned the candle on both ends. Here are some of the highlights and observations I picked up from a jam packed weekend.
-Has anyone ever had a Southwest flight take off on time? Because I haven't. The streak continued as I sat on the runway for over an hour waiting for my flight to take off. And I wasn't even drunk for it. I will never fly sober again. FUUUUUCCCKKKK
-Monday is the set-up day for the tournament but there really wasn't much to be done, so I spent my day playing with the four and eight year-old children of some fellow volenteers. It started as a game of catch with a volleyball and quickly devolved into a game of throw the ball at Sack's face. For the rest of the week I then had to watch out for the little child, Toni, trying to hit me whenever she saw me. Due to her roughly 3 ft size, this often resulted in her taking swings at my crotch. FUNNY EVERY TIME.
-When I checked into my hotel room I was asked if a Mrs. Edy Trey-vor would be staying with me. Edy did bail on the trip because he got a real person job, and I know his gf has his balls, but I don't know about the sex change?
-Everyone hates New Mexico fans, even other New Mexico fans. Those people are horrible. And ugly. Plus, the "Everyone's a Lobo, woof, woof, woof" cheer is more retarded than anything ever.
-I did tournament notes the first couple days which was all women's games and they set a ton of records. For missed shots and rebounds. Yep, women's basketball, it's FAAANNNNN-Tastic!
-For the second year in a row TCU takes home the award for hottest dance team. Man are they smoking. My TCU crush has been explored on this blog in the past, but man do I love TCU. And there dance coach, probably the hottest woman I have ever talked to. She asked me to find out when her team performed and I'm pretty sure that meant she wanted to bang me at center court. It was awesome. (I wrote a very detailed account of how this would have gone down, but you have to pay $3.99/day to subscribe to that page of the blog)
-There were 12 Canadian kids from some school in Ottowa who volunteered as well, and man were they entertaining. In the fact that I spent the entire week mocking their accents, asking them questions about being set adrift and explaining how fucking awesome America was compared to their bitch asses. They kept bringing up some Hawk-E sport that they apparently beat us at, but I had no idea what they were talking about.
The biggest difference I noticed between US and THEM was that we love Chipotle and they love donuts, Seriously, those fucking Canucks looked at Chipotle like it was a turd wrapped in foil. Fuck them, don’tchaknow?
Also, I asked them what are some well-known Canadian beers besides Molson and LaBatt's, and one of them tried to claim Coors. Fuck off, buddy.
-One of the nights we went to O'Sheas to play some beer pong, and I was fucking awful. I still won, but my skillz is deteriorating way too quickly now that I am old and gay. This trip convinced me I need to re-enroll in college because real life sucks.
The highlight of O'Sheas was this video game I started playing with some random people, that was basically memory match with porn pictures. "She is wearing a g-string in the first picture and a garter in the second." Winner! We made it through 20 rounds before I was pulled away to play more pong.
-There is nothing better in the world than being able to travel around with an open container everywhere. Whenever I wasn't "working" I had a beer in hand. Why can't the rest of America just give up on rules like Vegas?
-I was the CSU locker room steward during their near upset against SDSU, which means I had the fun job of making sure my boy Andy Ogide stayed in the locker room after getting kicked out and I got to commiserate with Coach Miles after another excruciating loss.
Other behind the scenes notes: Scotty Reynolds of Air Force thought he was going to be fired...Jimmer Fredette and Johnathan Tavernari do not like each other...New Mexico’s players are even bigger dicks than the fans, as Darrington (awesome name) Hobson kicked a trash can that hit his assistant SID and then proceed to tell HER to "Fuck off" as he ran from the locker room so he could avoid being interviewed. What a bitch ass son.
-I was able to check out the newest and trendiest club in Vegas, Haze. One of the volunteers, this girl from Minnesota, got us in and then managed to do what girls do in order to get us some free drinks.
The club was pretty cool with an entire wall of lights, but for such a big club it had a tiny ass dance floor. I also ran into several TCU players fresh off their elimination, including my Slavic brothers Zvonco Buljan and Edvinas Ruzgas. See, I told you TCU kicks ass.
While at the club I got cockblocked by some random white rappers because the girl I was dancing with thought they sucked.
Fortunetly I regrouped and managed to meet some lovely (read; big titted, loose morals) girls from West Virginia to spend the remainder of the evening with. I'm pretty sure they clung to me because I initially hit on them while with some random black dude that Minnesota had met, and we all know how racist people from West Virginia are. So this was one of those rare instances where racism favored the white guy. Who woulda thunk it?
The other girl that was feeling me the whole rip, well she was from Monument. Fitting, since all I do is creep on friends of my friends, that girls I meet in Vegas would have a connection to Edy.
-I was also the San Diego State locker room steward, and since they won the whole tournament I was able to spend a lot of quality time with their SIDs. I at least was offered an internship out of the deal. See, a reward for my hard work.
-On the final night Minnesota, myself, Monument and another volunteer from West Virginia (not connected with the WV girls, we'll call him Tom) went to Tao. There was supposed to be some free drink deal, but of course it was only for girls, so Tom and I mainlined $15 Vodkas for a bit and wandered. Though I went to Tao during my last stop in Vegas, I really remembered nothing of it. It is a giant fucking place with multiple stories, all of which I apparently missed the first time.
-We bounced from Tao shortly after our new British friends got in trouble for taking pictures of girls waiting in the line for the bathroom on the balcony above us (so directly upskirt, cheerio). We met up with all our Canadian friends at some random bar on the strip that featured the most intense DJ in history. He was basically the Travis Barker of the turntables, overdoing everything.
-Tom and I spent much of the evening giving people Manwhiches. It was very effective at scaring away creeper guys who wouldn't leave the girls we were with alone.
-At one point a girl got worried that her parents, that were flying to meet her in Vegas, hadn't called to check in. I googled "Las Vegas Plane Crash Die" on my phone and proudly showed her no results. I'm so sensitive.
-After we returned to the hotel and went to the hot tub, I decided that more beer was needed. I planned a quick trip up the hotel room, but as soon as I hit the lobby I misjudged my wetness and I packed shit, possibly suffering a concussion. Undeterred I continued on my pursuit of necessary alcohol and ran up to one of the Canadian's room to grab some beer. Up there, I spotted a bottle of wine and attempted to open it. With no opener I started grabbling random objects to try to jam the cork down to open. In the process I dropped one of the tall boy Coors Lights onto my toe, cutting it without my knowledge. I bled all over the bathroom for a while before I noticed. Sadly I never got the wine bottle open.
-For the second consecutive night we ended the night in the hottub watching the sunrise. Fortunately I was able to go home and sleep, but Tom had to rush to catch his 8 am flight back.
-I spent the next day wandering Vegas in a hungover/drunk stupor waiting for my evening flight, and when I finally got to the airport I found out that my flight delayed until at least 11pm. I managed to talk my way onto an earlier flight, which was sweet, until the pilot told us that our current plane had been delayed because a baggage cart had run into it and they needed to double-check everything. COMFORTING.
In addition there was some drunk ass lady who spent the entire flight home vomiting. At some point the smell was so bad that I kind of hoped the plane would crash. It didn't.
Man do I love Vegas, even if I will be trying to pay off this trip for about three months.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Fuck Me, yaknow?
Father forgive me, for I have not played Blogger in a month. This is a tragedy. And during this month, if you haven't noticed, the Colorado sports scene has gone to shit. Coincidence? Fuck the fuck no! God is punishing me for my idle hands and bringing the pain down more fierce than a PUNK*D K-Mart.
(Aside: Good to know JR Smiff is employing a driver that is so retarded he thinks it is a good idea to fuck with K-Mart. I bet this fuckwit drives down I-25 the wrong way at times just to spice things up? Maybe drag races cops? Shhhhhiiiiitttt, maybe JR should get that liscence back.)
I mean, look at the evidence. Since the lil' computer that could died after five years, shit has gone down. I can't talk or keep up on the world o' Sports at all anymore, and everything is now a big pile of FAIL:
A. T-Edy made so much fun of George Karl being lazy and not yelling that he gave him throat cancer. Good effing job. Now George Karl will never be able to yell again, not even as a ghost. So even if George dies and we have his spirit on the sidelines willing us on (ala The Sixth Man) he still won't be able to tell anyone what to do. He will be Gasper the motherfucking Coach, trying to mime in his secrets from beyond.
B. K-Mart is hurt. And not just his feelings. His knee. Fanfuckingtastic. Fortunetly I don't get Altitude, so I only get updates on my Iphizzle telling me how shitty the Nuggs are playing. Losing to the Knicks, goddamnfailtastical.
C. The Avsalanche are pulling a Bronco.
Dear Calgary,
For Easter we would like to take this nice playoff spot that we spent six months scrambling to get and we'll just wrap it up and place it in your lap.
Sincerely,
The Avs.
P.S. We also just shit all over ourselves and the bed. No clean-up necessary.
Yes, the Avs have overachieved, but I wanted playoff hockey. VS is even back on InDirect TV (Rick Rielly-esque that was) and I might have been able to witness this crazy game of puck-wacking. Now, I will just have to bandwagon onto the Capitals, who will eventually crush my soul.
D. BRADY FUCKING QUINN!!! It wasn't bad enough to have to cheer for that Doucher Jay Cutler before, but now I'm supposed to get excited when this cockhole goes under center. How can I cheer for him? This is like cheering for the racist teams in "Remember the Titans" (or for Nasty, the reverse). The only people happy about this are girls, because he is dreamy. Great, so now we have Tony Homo Jr. competing with Jack Daniels Orton to see who can throw the ball to NOT-BRANDON MARSHALL. Ohhhhhh, I can't wait for that to happen.
-Two positives: 1) We got rid of Christy Simms. 2) Our QBs have yet to rape anyone this offseason.
E. NCAA Basketball: A great season ended with a wimper as we couldn't upset SDSU and then lost to Moorehead State (Kim Khardashian's alma mater, /sad trombone). And the 2nd greatest reality TV show of the year, "Reaching the Peak" is now over. AND MY GD Direct TV knock-off TIVO didn't record the final two episodes. When I might have been on TV because I was at the MWC Tourney (Vegas diary upcoming, don't fret).
And with four teams in the NCAA the MWC failed spectaculary. I was happy to see UNM lose, because the are the worst people in the world, but c'mon, someone needed to make the Sweet Sixteen. Now that there are going to be 96-teams we'll be lucky to get any teams to advance to the New-32? Yeah, great NCAA, now we have to come up with new names. How about the 64-Cash Whores.
F. Huson Street: The Rock of the Rock's pen is out for a while, which means the season will be a little rocky early with Franklin "Rocky" Morales rocking the closers role. You know what helps start a season out on the right foot? Blowing saves early. Based on my luck lately, I am fully prepared.
G. The Roomate went back to Colorado: I mean, he got a better job and now I get to move to the beach two months earlier than expected, but shit, it is never a good sign when a friend moves away. Who else can I play the Black History Drinking Game with?
H. USA Hockey: We lost to Canada. In an athletic competition. I'm still so pissed.
So my only hope is that returning to Blogzejikistan and airing these beefs I will have appeased the Elway-God and his faithful compainion JoeFoppa Sakberg with enough sacrifice, snark and whining to get them to right the ship (Goals: Eric Berry to Bronconation, Avs to playoffs, Nuggs finding D, Rocks not regressing to Hurdle-suck levels).
I promise to figure out ways to pump some blog onto your faces, even if you don't want it. Might as well just take Bobby Knight's advice on rape: just relax and enjoy it.
(Aside: Good to know JR Smiff is employing a driver that is so retarded he thinks it is a good idea to fuck with K-Mart. I bet this fuckwit drives down I-25 the wrong way at times just to spice things up? Maybe drag races cops? Shhhhhiiiiitttt, maybe JR should get that liscence back.)
I mean, look at the evidence. Since the lil' computer that could died after five years, shit has gone down. I can't talk or keep up on the world o' Sports at all anymore, and everything is now a big pile of FAIL:
A. T-Edy made so much fun of George Karl being lazy and not yelling that he gave him throat cancer. Good effing job. Now George Karl will never be able to yell again, not even as a ghost. So even if George dies and we have his spirit on the sidelines willing us on (ala The Sixth Man) he still won't be able to tell anyone what to do. He will be Gasper the motherfucking Coach, trying to mime in his secrets from beyond.
B. K-Mart is hurt. And not just his feelings. His knee. Fanfuckingtastic. Fortunetly I don't get Altitude, so I only get updates on my Iphizzle telling me how shitty the Nuggs are playing. Losing to the Knicks, goddamnfailtastical.
C. The Avsalanche are pulling a Bronco.
Dear Calgary,
For Easter we would like to take this nice playoff spot that we spent six months scrambling to get and we'll just wrap it up and place it in your lap.
Sincerely,
The Avs.
P.S. We also just shit all over ourselves and the bed. No clean-up necessary.
Yes, the Avs have overachieved, but I wanted playoff hockey. VS is even back on InDirect TV (Rick Rielly-esque that was) and I might have been able to witness this crazy game of puck-wacking. Now, I will just have to bandwagon onto the Capitals, who will eventually crush my soul.
D. BRADY FUCKING QUINN!!! It wasn't bad enough to have to cheer for that Doucher Jay Cutler before, but now I'm supposed to get excited when this cockhole goes under center. How can I cheer for him? This is like cheering for the racist teams in "Remember the Titans" (or for Nasty, the reverse). The only people happy about this are girls, because he is dreamy. Great, so now we have Tony Homo Jr. competing with Jack Daniels Orton to see who can throw the ball to NOT-BRANDON MARSHALL. Ohhhhhh, I can't wait for that to happen.
-Two positives: 1) We got rid of Christy Simms. 2) Our QBs have yet to rape anyone this offseason.
E. NCAA Basketball: A great season ended with a wimper as we couldn't upset SDSU and then lost to Moorehead State (Kim Khardashian's alma mater, /sad trombone). And the 2nd greatest reality TV show of the year, "Reaching the Peak" is now over. AND MY GD Direct TV knock-off TIVO didn't record the final two episodes. When I might have been on TV because I was at the MWC Tourney (Vegas diary upcoming, don't fret).
And with four teams in the NCAA the MWC failed spectaculary. I was happy to see UNM lose, because the are the worst people in the world, but c'mon, someone needed to make the Sweet Sixteen. Now that there are going to be 96-teams we'll be lucky to get any teams to advance to the New-32? Yeah, great NCAA, now we have to come up with new names. How about the 64-Cash Whores.
F. Huson Street: The Rock of the Rock's pen is out for a while, which means the season will be a little rocky early with Franklin "Rocky" Morales rocking the closers role. You know what helps start a season out on the right foot? Blowing saves early. Based on my luck lately, I am fully prepared.
G. The Roomate went back to Colorado: I mean, he got a better job and now I get to move to the beach two months earlier than expected, but shit, it is never a good sign when a friend moves away. Who else can I play the Black History Drinking Game with?
H. USA Hockey: We lost to Canada. In an athletic competition. I'm still so pissed.
So my only hope is that returning to Blogzejikistan and airing these beefs I will have appeased the Elway-God and his faithful compainion JoeFoppa Sakberg with enough sacrifice, snark and whining to get them to right the ship (Goals: Eric Berry to Bronconation, Avs to playoffs, Nuggs finding D, Rocks not regressing to Hurdle-suck levels).
I promise to figure out ways to pump some blog onto your faces, even if you don't want it. Might as well just take Bobby Knight's advice on rape: just relax and enjoy it.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Random and deep thoughts
So I apologize for the abscence of this blog lately, but I lack a computer and spare time recently due a recent internship. Still, two weeks without bloggity goodness is horrible for you poor homers out there who hang on my every word, so here you go.
We step into my mind for several random thoughts and stories from the last couple weeks. Some are sports related, but several are nowhere close:
-I have found that corn chips and peanut butter are not a bad combo. Especially crunchy pb.
-Not having a computer makes me feel so strange. I have made due with the iPhone but I have used my computer as my tv, DVD player and main communication device for almost five years. It was the first thing I turned on in he morning and the last I turned odd. Really a minor miracle it lasted for almost five years.
-The only thing that ever get me misty-eyed are sports movies. When G-Baby dies at the end of "Hardball" I came as close to crying as I have in 3 1/2 years, only time that was in the ballpark was when my grandmother passed away. I am kinda fucked up.
-Fuck Sidney Crosby and all of Canada.
-I have accepted a few techno songs as all right, but after five hours of it during and indoor pool party (sans pool? at the Hard Rock) I have jumped squarely back on he fuck techno bandwagon.
-Is there a list of 200 songs every dj in the world can pick from or do people who dj just all have the exact same taste in music? (DJ Stringer Bell excluded, of course).
-Trevor Edy is Words With Friends as the Chicago Cubs are to baseball. He started out hot wayback against me, now he is inventing horrible ways to lose. It is like 8 games in a row now, almost all coming down to the last word. Suck it, Ice cream boy.
-I now work with a kid whose nickname is worse than mine. I am Stretch, he is Boner Face.
-On Sundays at work we started Circut Sundays, a night for alternative types (or Thuper thundays according to many of the gays). Let me tell you it was surreal.
-In the midst of this modern gemmorah I learned exactly what it feels like to be the hottest girl in the bar. I was hit on constantly by both gays and girls, so much to the point that I had to stay moving to avoid akward convos. It did give me some good insight what to do and not to do when hitting on girls. Almost made me feel sorry for girls and make me change my ways, but then the gays would have won and I can't have that.
-I think the best pickup line was from the guy who said I looked like superman, but then told me I looked like the superman from Smallville. The best move was the girl who kept sneaking up behind me and trapping me with her Cupid arrow. She wasalso wearing a see-thru pink top with tassles. That didn't hurt.
Still, imagine that confliction in your brain, hot girls dancing around basically naked just feet from two dudes playing tummysticks. Both aroused and shocked at the same time. I think my soul may have split into two at that exact moment.
-everyone in San Diego is a complete skeezball. I habe had at least three bosses try to impress me by discussing how the wanted to cheat on their girlfriends. Check out this quote from my diuchy redheaded boss:
"my girlfriends hot friend hooked up with some random dude last night. She couldn't even remember his name but he told me he hit it rawdog. I'm so jealous. I wanted to do it. Oh, she's a kindergarten teacher."
You stay classy, San Diego.
-I haven't been able to download my random 10 songs a week so I have been listening to alotta of old music. For some reason I have an inproportionate number of Rick Ross songs on my phone, not that I rally mind, but I justlaugh at how over the top and rediculous his lyrics are, but it turns out he is actually telling the truth in one.
"Daddy never knew that chocolate milk make you fart real bad."
So true. Maybe he really does traffic billions of dollars of yayo.
We step into my mind for several random thoughts and stories from the last couple weeks. Some are sports related, but several are nowhere close:
-I have found that corn chips and peanut butter are not a bad combo. Especially crunchy pb.
-Not having a computer makes me feel so strange. I have made due with the iPhone but I have used my computer as my tv, DVD player and main communication device for almost five years. It was the first thing I turned on in he morning and the last I turned odd. Really a minor miracle it lasted for almost five years.
-The only thing that ever get me misty-eyed are sports movies. When G-Baby dies at the end of "Hardball" I came as close to crying as I have in 3 1/2 years, only time that was in the ballpark was when my grandmother passed away. I am kinda fucked up.
-Fuck Sidney Crosby and all of Canada.
-I have accepted a few techno songs as all right, but after five hours of it during and indoor pool party (sans pool? at the Hard Rock) I have jumped squarely back on he fuck techno bandwagon.
-Is there a list of 200 songs every dj in the world can pick from or do people who dj just all have the exact same taste in music? (DJ Stringer Bell excluded, of course).
-Trevor Edy is Words With Friends as the Chicago Cubs are to baseball. He started out hot wayback against me, now he is inventing horrible ways to lose. It is like 8 games in a row now, almost all coming down to the last word. Suck it, Ice cream boy.
-I now work with a kid whose nickname is worse than mine. I am Stretch, he is Boner Face.
-On Sundays at work we started Circut Sundays, a night for alternative types (or Thuper thundays according to many of the gays). Let me tell you it was surreal.
-In the midst of this modern gemmorah I learned exactly what it feels like to be the hottest girl in the bar. I was hit on constantly by both gays and girls, so much to the point that I had to stay moving to avoid akward convos. It did give me some good insight what to do and not to do when hitting on girls. Almost made me feel sorry for girls and make me change my ways, but then the gays would have won and I can't have that.
-I think the best pickup line was from the guy who said I looked like superman, but then told me I looked like the superman from Smallville. The best move was the girl who kept sneaking up behind me and trapping me with her Cupid arrow. She wasalso wearing a see-thru pink top with tassles. That didn't hurt.
Still, imagine that confliction in your brain, hot girls dancing around basically naked just feet from two dudes playing tummysticks. Both aroused and shocked at the same time. I think my soul may have split into two at that exact moment.
-everyone in San Diego is a complete skeezball. I habe had at least three bosses try to impress me by discussing how the wanted to cheat on their girlfriends. Check out this quote from my diuchy redheaded boss:
"my girlfriends hot friend hooked up with some random dude last night. She couldn't even remember his name but he told me he hit it rawdog. I'm so jealous. I wanted to do it. Oh, she's a kindergarten teacher."
You stay classy, San Diego.
-I haven't been able to download my random 10 songs a week so I have been listening to alotta of old music. For some reason I have an inproportionate number of Rick Ross songs on my phone, not that I rally mind, but I justlaugh at how over the top and rediculous his lyrics are, but it turns out he is actually telling the truth in one.
"Daddy never knew that chocolate milk make you fart real bad."
So true. Maybe he really does traffic billions of dollars of yayo.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
NBA w/ Edy All-Star Bonanza
Well, this took Forever to put together mostly because Edy sucks at life and because when he finally got around to fulfilling his duties my computer decided I had downloaded too much porn, music and stupid pics of Marmalard to continue. RIP 2005 Dell. You served me well.
Anyway, we welcome back Edy and his shenagins to discuss the NBA's fiery half. Keep in mind; A) I have spent much of the last few months boycotting the NBA B) I'm trying to type this while on an iPhone, C) Edy will speak in italics or should,but Blogger is being quite the silly little faggot about this.
We finally are doing this:
Worst prediction from our preview: Well, I have to go with my Wizards/Gilbert combo. That was a gamble that didn't pay off (rimshot). I just gave it my best shot (guitar riff). I knew Gil used to be a shoot-first player and he was looking to get other players their shots (cymbal crash). It's a good thing they changed the team name to Wizards so that there were no Bullets in that locker room. /End of shitty Leno jokes.
I just love how Pucak’s one major go-out-on-a-limb prediction backfired (had to say it) right in his face. His guy isn’t even playing anymore. And the Wizards are a bottom feeder in a poor Eastern
Conference. Things I enjoy: Calling Pucak out when he is wrong on all accounts.
Uggggghhhhh. I already wrote about this, so I won't get into it too much, only to say that I will be breaking my NBA boycott soon. I now know how long Gil is suspended, and I guess the rest of the season is appropriate. I had a dream he signed with the Magic for next season, which would be pretty sweet.
The only good news for me on the improved player/team front is that Washington and Houston, Edy's pick, are both tied for 11th in their respective conferences. Just don't look at their records, please.
(Pucak uses a classic Edy tactic in an effort to compare the two, too bad their records say otherwise… 17-32 vs. 27-23…. Uhhh, no brainer)
Pucak struggling early after an 0-2 start.
Now, I know my surprise team, Houston, has not performed that well. They “let go” a guy who was making nearly 23 MILLION this year, in
T-Mac. Yes, this year, look it up. They have no true scorer, but are surrounded with a bunch of guys I would want on my team, ala Shane Battier. Needless to say they are only one game out of the West playoffs (Feb. 3).
Turns out I was wrong about Emaka Okafor (DOY), Ramon Sessions(Surprise Player) and Dallas being a disappointing team... oops.
I also almost had a terrible prediction about Greg Oden being the most improved player, especially after he blew up his knee. BUT after naked pictures of Greg and his third arm showed up on the interwebs and he apologized by saying "he had grown a lot" since. I think this qualifies as improvement.
Greg Oden: Where making white girls swoon happens (Literally, my girlfriend wouldn’t stop staring. I then gave her the “reality” of the situation and performed a short demonstration with my fist. She then did the “Melo grimace” and walked off.) Somehow this was swept under the rug with a short apology from Greg. Probably the most publicity he will get all season. I still don’t get the logic in standing in front of a mirror to take a picture of your anaconda in hopes to find it a home in an unsuspecting white girl’s pork sauna. Maybe it’s an athlete thing. I guess this is improvement.
Nene: Earlier this season, Edy went off on Twitter, saying: "Random thought of the night: Nuggets need to cut their loses with Nene and move on. Never became the player we thought.
-"Every year we think he will be allstar worthy, just never is."
-"Inconsistency kills him Not a defensive star to make it worth it."
-"Let's not forget that he's been in the L for 7 years, at some point we have to realize, this is who he is. #ComingToGrips"
While Nene hasn't been a stud, getting the 20-10 that Edy thinks he should get, he should have been an all-star this season.
If you don't think he has played well, how do you explain him and K-Mart being the two consistent performers for the Nuggs while Melo, JR and Chauncey sat out. He is pouring in 14 and grabbling over 8 rebounds per game, often times as the fourth or fifth option. If he played on a team that didn't have quite so many scorers he would be getting 20-10. He does everything the Nuggets ask; scores almost 60% of the time he touches the ball, plays tough interior defense on the opposing teams center (even leading the team in steals), grabs boards and doesn't get pissy when he gets less touches than the stars.
Shit, almost any team in the league would kill for him, and if we could get one more big man on this squad to help Nene switch to the 4 the Nuggs might be able to take LA.
Thanks for the alley-oop, Pucak. This past Monday, the Nuggets hosted the Kings, a team that they struggle to matchup with. On paper, Nene should have dominated the front court as he was going up against the likes of Spencer Hawes, Jason Thompson and Jon Brockman… Nene finished with a “stellar” 14 and 6 on 6-of-10 shooting as the Nuggets got outrebounded by 15. If it wasn’t for Kmart playing like an all-star this past month (finished with a 24 and 12), we would have lost a few.
You’re correct Pucak, Nene doesn’t bitch about not getting the ball, because he doesn’t care! Unnamed sources say Nene is going to retire after his contract is up in two years… We will see. The only
consistent thing about Nene this season has been his left-handed finger roll/dunk move. It’s a guaranteed two points, he’s just the only one in building not to realize it. Anytime you’re huge and
athletic while constantly having mismatches down low, but still have the opportunity to play like a bitch, you have to take it right?? This is annoying, and I’m starting to annoy myself. I’ll stop now.
JR Smith's struggles: He has not shot the ball well at all this year. Why? I'm thinking two things; 1) He spent some of the summer in the pokey and then was suspended, so he never got in rhythm. 2) He is now signed to Young Money Athletes which means he officially has to be on top of the game for a few months and then spend the rest of the time singing dipshit autotune crap.
I thoroughly enjoy JR’s YM connections. I wish I could say that about his defense and overall attitude toward the game.
Melo vs. Chauncey for Nuggs MVP: I am going with Chauncey. He has carried the team when Melo is out, but the team has bombed without Chauncey. He cares not about himself but for the team. Plus, he has come up with some huge performances, like dropping all those bombs on the bitch ass Lakers. (and there were about 10 more paragraphs here, but then my computer shit the bed.
Toss up right now. Although no other player on the roster will vie for team MVP, Kmart and Aaron Afflalo have been playing lights out as of late. Breaking news: Kmart has a brain and is using it. He realized that he needs to step up in Melo’s absence. And AA is on a whole ‘nother level. Making some huge shots down the stretch. We need to keep this guy.
Side note: The majority of the Nuggets’ last name roster resides in the first three letters of the alphabet. Afflalo, Allen, Andersen, Anthony, Balkman, Billups, Carter. Yeah I know, third quarters of NBA games bore me.
Melo's chances for MVP: He needs to have a few crazy games down the stretch and it wouldn't hurt if Bron-Bron got hurt. He isn't bionic, right? He just missed too much time. But I still feel he is first team All-NBA worthy.
Melo’s injuries will hurt him in the long run, but I think this will make him better in the playoffs. He lets things go to his head too easily (i.e. scoring title) and it affects his game. My prediction: He
finishes 5th.
Nuggets LVP: George Karl, hands down. You know it’s a bad thing when ANY inbounds play that results in a turnover at ANY level of basketball has people saying “They ran the George Karl. FUCK, they ran the Karl!” (hands immediately go to the head)… I really wonder what goes on in the timeout preceding an inbounds play. It’s almost likeGK just hands over coaching duties to high-as-fuck Balkman. We would be much better off running the “Helen Keller,” where everyone just
runs around with their eyes closed, setting picks and ‘feeling’ out the defense.
The Birdman. Injuries and non-contract year have killed him, but he isn't performing as well as we need. He needs to get his shit together.
I know Simmons loves him, but when do we start hating Durant? I mean, when he finally beat us once. He is going to get annoying real soon.
Except, not really… Not sure how you can hate Durant. Seems like a good guy, odds are that he has a smaller cock than Oden. Pure scorer and is getting progressively better from the field. These guys may be scary in the playoffs.
The Durant lovefest is over for me. He already gets more calls than Melo and is way less aggressive.
Favorite Underground Story of the Year: Sandiata Gaines or whatever.
Does anyone else realize that none of the Nuggets have been in any legal trouble this year???? The NBA,….. It’s FAANNtastic.
Headlines I don’t want to see: “Nuggets may bring back Camby”….. Mark Warkenstein, you know better to bring back that frail piece of shit we
call “defense.” Pucak would do a better job on the defensive end, he’s white and extremely uncoordinated.
Only thing worse would be "Nuggets trade for Najera, Boykins." God I hate those assholes. I am upset we didn't get Brendan Haywood.
Newer guys we enjoy watching: Omri Casspi (Kings). Guy can hoop and light it up from downtown. Plus, we have unlimited Jewish jokes when he is on the court, in that case, everybody wins.
Except for Germans.
I am going to have to go with John Wall. Oh, wait, he's not in the league yet. My bust. I guess I'll go with Stephan Curry. Much better than I expected and in the perfect system.
Let's revise our predictions as well. (Original predictions in parenthesis)
Predictions: Trevor/Matt
Eastern Southwest: Atlanta (Miami)/Orlando
Central: Cleveland (Cleveland)/Cleveland
Atlantic: Boston (Boston)/Boston
Western Southwest: Dallas (Houston)/San Antonio
Northwest: Denver (Denver)/Denver
Pacific: LA Lakers (Los Angeles Lakers)/LA Lakers
Eastern Conference Champ: Cleveland (Cleveland)/Boston
Western Conference Champ: LA Lakers/Stern (LA Lakers)/San Antonio
NBA Champs: Cleveland (Cleveland)/San Antonio
Most Valuable Player: LBJ (Lebron James)/Lebron
Rookie of the Year: Tyreke Evans(Brandon Jennings)/Tyreke Evans
Defensive Player of the Year: Josh Smith (Dwight Howard)/Dwight Howard
(even if Battier deserves it)
6th Man: Jamal Crawford (Rasheed Wallace)/Jason Terry
Most Improved Player: Monta Ellis (Emeka Okafor)/Josh Smith (Greg Oden)(which big
man will suck less)
Surprise Team: Toronto (Houston)/Memphis
Surprise Player: Monta Ellis (Ramon Sessions)/Tyreke Evans
Disappointing Team: Washington(Dallas)/New Orleans
Your player predictions are on point. I will begrudgingly admit that. Fuck.
Anyway, we welcome back Edy and his shenagins to discuss the NBA's fiery half. Keep in mind; A) I have spent much of the last few months boycotting the NBA B) I'm trying to type this while on an iPhone, C) Edy will speak in italics or should,
We finally are doing this:
Worst prediction from our preview: Well, I have to go with my Wizards/Gilbert combo. That was a gamble that didn't pay off (rimshot). I just gave it my best shot (guitar riff). I knew Gil used to be a shoot-first player and he was looking to get other players their shots (cymbal crash). It's a good thing they changed the team name to Wizards so that there were no Bullets in that locker room. /End of shitty Leno jokes.
I just love how Pucak’s one major go-out-on-a-limb prediction backfired (had to say it) right in his face. His guy isn’t even playing anymore. And the Wizards are a bottom feeder in a poor Eastern
Conference. Things I enjoy: Calling Pucak out when he is wrong on all accounts.
Uggggghhhhh. I already wrote about this, so I won't get into it too much, only to say that I will be breaking my NBA boycott soon. I now know how long Gil is suspended, and I guess the rest of the season is appropriate. I had a dream he signed with the Magic for next season, which would be pretty sweet.
The only good news for me on the improved player/team front is that Washington and Houston, Edy's pick, are both tied for 11th in their respective conferences. Just don't look at their records, please.
(Pucak uses a classic Edy tactic in an effort to compare the two, too bad their records say otherwise… 17-32 vs. 27-23…. Uhhh, no brainer)
Pucak struggling early after an 0-2 start.
Now, I know my surprise team, Houston, has not performed that well. They “let go” a guy who was making nearly 23 MILLION this year, in
T-Mac. Yes, this year, look it up. They have no true scorer, but are surrounded with a bunch of guys I would want on my team, ala Shane Battier. Needless to say they are only one game out of the West playoffs (Feb. 3).
Turns out I was wrong about Emaka Okafor (DOY), Ramon Sessions(Surprise Player) and Dallas being a disappointing team... oops.
I also almost had a terrible prediction about Greg Oden being the most improved player, especially after he blew up his knee. BUT after naked pictures of Greg and his third arm showed up on the interwebs and he apologized by saying "he had grown a lot" since. I think this qualifies as improvement.
Greg Oden: Where making white girls swoon happens (Literally, my girlfriend wouldn’t stop staring. I then gave her the “reality” of the situation and performed a short demonstration with my fist. She then did the “Melo grimace” and walked off.) Somehow this was swept under the rug with a short apology from Greg. Probably the most publicity he will get all season. I still don’t get the logic in standing in front of a mirror to take a picture of your anaconda in hopes to find it a home in an unsuspecting white girl’s pork sauna. Maybe it’s an athlete thing. I guess this is improvement.
Nene: Earlier this season, Edy went off on Twitter, saying: "Random thought of the night: Nuggets need to cut their loses with Nene and move on. Never became the player we thought.
-"Every year we think he will be allstar worthy, just never is."
-"Inconsistency kills him Not a defensive star to make it worth it."
-"Let's not forget that he's been in the L for 7 years, at some point we have to realize, this is who he is. #ComingToGrips"
While Nene hasn't been a stud, getting the 20-10 that Edy thinks he should get, he should have been an all-star this season.
If you don't think he has played well, how do you explain him and K-Mart being the two consistent performers for the Nuggs while Melo, JR and Chauncey sat out. He is pouring in 14 and grabbling over 8 rebounds per game, often times as the fourth or fifth option. If he played on a team that didn't have quite so many scorers he would be getting 20-10. He does everything the Nuggets ask; scores almost 60% of the time he touches the ball, plays tough interior defense on the opposing teams center (even leading the team in steals), grabs boards and doesn't get pissy when he gets less touches than the stars.
Shit, almost any team in the league would kill for him, and if we could get one more big man on this squad to help Nene switch to the 4 the Nuggs might be able to take LA.
Thanks for the alley-oop, Pucak. This past Monday, the Nuggets hosted the Kings, a team that they struggle to matchup with. On paper, Nene should have dominated the front court as he was going up against the likes of Spencer Hawes, Jason Thompson and Jon Brockman… Nene finished with a “stellar” 14 and 6 on 6-of-10 shooting as the Nuggets got outrebounded by 15. If it wasn’t for Kmart playing like an all-star this past month (finished with a 24 and 12), we would have lost a few.
You’re correct Pucak, Nene doesn’t bitch about not getting the ball, because he doesn’t care! Unnamed sources say Nene is going to retire after his contract is up in two years… We will see. The only
consistent thing about Nene this season has been his left-handed finger roll/dunk move. It’s a guaranteed two points, he’s just the only one in building not to realize it. Anytime you’re huge and
athletic while constantly having mismatches down low, but still have the opportunity to play like a bitch, you have to take it right?? This is annoying, and I’m starting to annoy myself. I’ll stop now.
JR Smith's struggles: He has not shot the ball well at all this year. Why? I'm thinking two things; 1) He spent some of the summer in the pokey and then was suspended, so he never got in rhythm. 2) He is now signed to Young Money Athletes which means he officially has to be on top of the game for a few months and then spend the rest of the time singing dipshit autotune crap.
I thoroughly enjoy JR’s YM connections. I wish I could say that about his defense and overall attitude toward the game.
Melo vs. Chauncey for Nuggs MVP: I am going with Chauncey. He has carried the team when Melo is out, but the team has bombed without Chauncey. He cares not about himself but for the team. Plus, he has come up with some huge performances, like dropping all those bombs on the bitch ass Lakers. (and there were about 10 more paragraphs here, but then my computer shit the bed.
Toss up right now. Although no other player on the roster will vie for team MVP, Kmart and Aaron Afflalo have been playing lights out as of late. Breaking news: Kmart has a brain and is using it. He realized that he needs to step up in Melo’s absence. And AA is on a whole ‘nother level. Making some huge shots down the stretch. We need to keep this guy.
Side note: The majority of the Nuggets’ last name roster resides in the first three letters of the alphabet. Afflalo, Allen, Andersen, Anthony, Balkman, Billups, Carter. Yeah I know, third quarters of NBA games bore me.
Melo's chances for MVP: He needs to have a few crazy games down the stretch and it wouldn't hurt if Bron-Bron got hurt. He isn't bionic, right? He just missed too much time. But I still feel he is first team All-NBA worthy.
Melo’s injuries will hurt him in the long run, but I think this will make him better in the playoffs. He lets things go to his head too easily (i.e. scoring title) and it affects his game. My prediction: He
finishes 5th.
Nuggets LVP: George Karl, hands down. You know it’s a bad thing when ANY inbounds play that results in a turnover at ANY level of basketball has people saying “They ran the George Karl. FUCK, they ran the Karl!” (hands immediately go to the head)… I really wonder what goes on in the timeout preceding an inbounds play. It’s almost likeGK just hands over coaching duties to high-as-fuck Balkman. We would be much better off running the “Helen Keller,” where everyone just
runs around with their eyes closed, setting picks and ‘feeling’ out the defense.
The Birdman. Injuries and non-contract year have killed him, but he isn't performing as well as we need. He needs to get his shit together.
I know Simmons loves him, but when do we start hating Durant? I mean, when he finally beat us once. He is going to get annoying real soon.
Except, not really… Not sure how you can hate Durant. Seems like a good guy, odds are that he has a smaller cock than Oden. Pure scorer and is getting progressively better from the field. These guys may be scary in the playoffs.
The Durant lovefest is over for me. He already gets more calls than Melo and is way less aggressive.
Favorite Underground Story of the Year: Sandiata Gaines or whatever.
Does anyone else realize that none of the Nuggets have been in any legal trouble this year???? The NBA,….. It’s FAANNtastic.
Headlines I don’t want to see: “Nuggets may bring back Camby”….. Mark Warkenstein, you know better to bring back that frail piece of shit we
call “defense.” Pucak would do a better job on the defensive end, he’s white and extremely uncoordinated.
Only thing worse would be "Nuggets trade for Najera, Boykins." God I hate those assholes. I am upset we didn't get Brendan Haywood.
Newer guys we enjoy watching: Omri Casspi (Kings). Guy can hoop and light it up from downtown. Plus, we have unlimited Jewish jokes when he is on the court, in that case, everybody wins.
Except for Germans.
I am going to have to go with John Wall. Oh, wait, he's not in the league yet. My bust. I guess I'll go with Stephan Curry. Much better than I expected and in the perfect system.
Let's revise our predictions as well. (Original predictions in parenthesis)
Predictions: Trevor/Matt
Eastern Southwest: Atlanta (Miami)/Orlando
Central: Cleveland (Cleveland)/Cleveland
Atlantic: Boston (Boston)/Boston
Western Southwest: Dallas (Houston)/San Antonio
Northwest: Denver (Denver)/Denver
Pacific: LA Lakers (Los Angeles Lakers)/LA Lakers
Eastern Conference Champ: Cleveland (Cleveland)/Boston
Western Conference Champ: LA Lakers/Stern (LA Lakers)/San Antonio
NBA Champs: Cleveland (Cleveland)/San Antonio
Most Valuable Player: LBJ (Lebron James)/Lebron
Rookie of the Year: Tyreke Evans(Brandon Jennings)/Tyreke Evans
Defensive Player of the Year: Josh Smith (Dwight Howard)/Dwight Howard
(even if Battier deserves it)
6th Man: Jamal Crawford (Rasheed Wallace)/Jason Terry
Most Improved Player: Monta Ellis (Emeka Okafor)/Josh Smith (Greg Oden)(which big
man will suck less)
Surprise Team: Toronto (Houston)/Memphis
Surprise Player: Monta Ellis (Ramon Sessions)/Tyreke Evans
Disappointing Team: Washington(Dallas)/New Orleans
Your player predictions are on point. I will begrudgingly admit that. Fuck.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
If you aren't cheering for the Saints you have no soul...
Or you are Scottish and fail to understand what America is all about. I really don't understand why else you would cheer for the Colts? Pey-Pey is funny, but when he plays football he is kind of a dick ("Goddammit Donald") and so good it isn't fun to watch (except that pass to Austin Collie. That may bethe best pass I have ever seen). But it is like rooting for the robots in the Matrix, instead of Trinity to die. It is just more fun hate the Colts.
Even Big Celly Cell, the biggest Colts fan I know is over the Colts this year. Check this:
Then I asked my boy Kevan to give me reasons to cheer for the Saints. He is the biggest Lil' Wayne fan I know, even bigger than Teej and I, so that qualifies him to speak on the Nolia. Here is what he came up with:
THE WINDS FROM HURRICANE KATRINA COME OUT OF NOWHERE TO PUSH THE FIELD GOAL WIDE RIGHT!!!!!! OMFG
Yes, the Saints will literally win because of Hurricane Katrina. Not metaphorically. GOD doesn't make mistakes. He was testing Drew Brees and Reggie Bush with that whole Hurricane/Slurricane thingy. And my Broncos will never win a Super Bowl again because I got drunk and laughed at Katrina. Drew Brees didn't laugh, he was picking up orphans and throwing them to safety in Baton Rouge. Jon Vilma actually emptied all the water out of the 9th Ward with just a single bucket. The Saints players literally all are now Sainted by the Church for their heroic actions. That is why they are in fact named the Saints. Look it up. Lake Pontchartrain was actually build by Archie Manning. Who is Peyton's dad!!!!! Peyton can't beat the Saints. It is cosmically ordained.
Oh, and that storm was also sent to punish New Orleans for all the gays and debauchery, so since all those people are now dead God doesn't dislike the Big Easy anymore. George Bush new what he was doing when he told New Orleans to "just fucking deal with it yourselves." He was preparing Drew Brees for the Super Bowl. I mean, the Colts pass rush is tough, but Breesus Christ stood tall in the pocket and delivered while being perused by floodwaters that were too strong for the levies. Dwight Freeney and Rashard Mathis, shit, he won't be bothered a bit.
I am also sure the memory of the Saints' championship will make Weezy F so happy. And isn't that really all we care about?
Even Big Celly Cell, the biggest Colts fan I know is over the Colts this year. Check this:
Uhhh, if the Colts lost Cell then they sure as hell aren't getting me on their side. And why would I cheer for their coach? The corpse in Weekend at Bernie's was more animated. I like to see a coach who has earned it, which would be Sean Peyton. He and Brees have turned that franchise around.I cannot write a paragraph about why people should cheer for the Colts, because they are too dominant. For the first time in years, I found myself thinking that cheering for the Colts was not as fun as it had been in previous years. The Colts success began to annoy me, and then they sat the starters against the Jets, and you remember Manning's face on Sportcenter. The front office delivered a slap in the face to Peyton and the boys by sitting them for the half. I do not believe that Indy or Manning needs another Superbowl to cement his place in history. It would be real nice to see Sean Payton, Brees, and Vilma get a ring. Not to mention the moral of New Orleans if the Saints go on to win.If you need a reason to cheer for the Colts, look no further than number 18 and the rookie head coach.
Then I asked my boy Kevan to give me reasons to cheer for the Saints. He is the biggest Lil' Wayne fan I know, even bigger than Teej and I, so that qualifies him to speak on the Nolia. Here is what he came up with:
Top 3 Reasons the Universe wants the Saints to WinAnd then he added this, which may be the most important reason:
Everybody likes a little bit of an underdog right?
1) Fate: Archie Manning was a straight up iron man when he threw for Los Santos 3 odd decades ago, and he raised both of his Super Bowl Champion sons in the city of New Orleans. He was kind of the Brett Favre of his day, played the bulk of his career in NOLA, and spent the last two seasons being a troubadour as a Houston Oiler and a MN Viking. Now that both his sons got rings, its time for his city and alma mater to bring home the hardware for the sake of symmetry.
2) Drew Brees’ next contract: Over the last few days, ESPN has been force feeding all of us the fact that Peyton and Drew are gonna re-up next year with their teams. Summarized, Peyton is up to his nuts in the front office’s guts in Indy, we all know he’s getting paid no matter what, probably fixin to be the highest paid player in the the history of the sport, and he deserves it, he’s the best play caller and smartest all around QB certainly of his generation, and in the running for that of every other generation. That said, Brees is more exciting to watch because he won’t duck away from the hit in order to make the play, and while he’s not getting Peyton money no matter what, the first Lombardi trophy in New Orleans would probably earn him several million more dollars and lock him up for 5+ years in the Big Easy. Another fun fact, both Manning and Brees are represented by the same agent, and THAT guy is going to be patting himself on the back in one of his two new matching Audis this offseason, so I want to see the talent get their nut too…
3) DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING IDEA THE PARTY THAT WILL TAKE PLACE IF THE SAINTS WIN?: The city of New Orleans has already preemptively closed schools and city services for the Monday after the game, win or lose, rain or shine. This is backseat to the fact that this falls right in step with Mardi Gras season. If the Saints were to win this one, there would be so much Southern Comfort flowing and so many titties warming the hearts of everybody lucky enough to be in that part of the world this year, it gives me the gym class rope-climb tingle just thinking about it. I hope there’s a boy who gets his dream come true to meet Drew Brees in 10 years or so and gets to look him in the eye and tell him “I was conceived on a kitchen prep table at a Bourbon Street Bar/Restaurant the night you won Super Bowl 44, thanks for that.” New Orleans is one of the premier partying towns that America has, next to maybe only Las Vegas. This party will make 1999 look like a fuckin petting zoo. If the world DOES end in 2012, December 20 2012, the supposed night before those crazy (extinct) Mayans think the cosmos are hitting the reset button would be the only thing even in the same zip code as the Saints’ Super Bowl victory bender. I’ve got to stop or I might pass out.
Get some NOLA, get some
Weezy Fuckin BabyPrediction: I expect a very high-scoring game with the Saints trying to keep up with Peyton and the Colts offense all day. Finally, Manning will throw a pick and Brees will lead a quick TD drive to put the Saints up 38-36. But he will leave about 35 seconds left on the clock. Too much time, it seems, for Peyton. He will move the ball down the field and set Matt Stover up for a 38-yarder to win the game. Stover's kick will go up, appear to be straight down the pipe before....
THE WINDS FROM HURRICANE KATRINA COME OUT OF NOWHERE TO PUSH THE FIELD GOAL WIDE RIGHT!!!!!! OMFG
Yes, the Saints will literally win because of Hurricane Katrina. Not metaphorically. GOD doesn't make mistakes. He was testing Drew Brees and Reggie Bush with that whole Hurricane/Slurricane thingy. And my Broncos will never win a Super Bowl again because I got drunk and laughed at Katrina. Drew Brees didn't laugh, he was picking up orphans and throwing them to safety in Baton Rouge. Jon Vilma actually emptied all the water out of the 9th Ward with just a single bucket. The Saints players literally all are now Sainted by the Church for their heroic actions. That is why they are in fact named the Saints. Look it up. Lake Pontchartrain was actually build by Archie Manning. Who is Peyton's dad!!!!! Peyton can't beat the Saints. It is cosmically ordained.
Oh, and that storm was also sent to punish New Orleans for all the gays and debauchery, so since all those people are now dead God doesn't dislike the Big Easy anymore. George Bush new what he was doing when he told New Orleans to "just fucking deal with it yourselves." He was preparing Drew Brees for the Super Bowl. I mean, the Colts pass rush is tough, but Breesus Christ stood tall in the pocket and delivered while being perused by floodwaters that were too strong for the levies. Dwight Freeney and Rashard Mathis, shit, he won't be bothered a bit.
I am also sure the memory of the Saints' championship will make Weezy F so happy. And isn't that really all we care about?
Saturday, January 30, 2010
X-Games Chronic-les
First off, I hate almost everything about the actual X-Games. Especially the douchey X in the name that helped spawned X-treme deodorant and X-treme douche rags. The X-Games are the sports equivalent to Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus, designed for those aged 8-16 but for some reason popular with those college aged. Plus, I hate:
-The fucking way people talk ("sick nasty pow-pow"). Especially when those same people tend to get on me for "talking black."
-The awful commentary ("Wow, bro, [insert name of snowboarder] is really going huge. Aspen, make some noise to help him even though he is listening to Atmosphere on his headphones right now and so high he doesn't know what country he is in.")
-How ridiculous the sponsorship is ("Let's go to Super Gay Sal Masakala at the Jeep Pizza Roll Taco Bell ESPN Trophy Stage, sponsored by the US Navy), especially since snowboarders and X-athletes were never going to sell out and were such REBELS, brosef. You fags sold out quicker than Tickle Me Elmo dolls in 2000.
-Shaun White. He wins everything. Even the SnowCrosXtreme. And if he doesn't win, no one fucking knows any of the other people. Because unless you are actually related to or went to preschool with one of the athletes (like I did with Peter Olenick /namedrop) then you couldn't really give two shits about who wins.
With all the negative out of the way, there are two positives to the X-Games:
1) Everyone from the Roaring Fork Valley collects their group of shithead friends and brings them home for a weekend of drinking, debauchery, a free concert, as little actual X-Games events as possible and drinking. It is awesome. Almost Xtra-awesome.
2) Sometimes people fall spectacularly and break like 50 bones. Sadly, this has gone down since they got rid of Frozen MotoXtreme (who would have thought that would be dangerous?)
The X-Games spawned some awesome stories, so I will attempt to share the best ones, in chronic-logical order. I'm sure I forgot some, so make sure to remind me. As you will see, there was much drinking, smoking and a startling number of near-death experiences.
2005: Freshman Year
Number of Guests: 7
Missouri Heights Sack Residence
-After months of asking who wanted to attend, and finally settling on seven hall mates, two more decided they were just about an hour before we left. I told them no. They said they would come anyway. Saying they would sleep in a car in my driveway and were going to do it no matter what. They then left voice mails suggesting that they in fact came up anyway and wanted to fight us all for leaving them behind. They actually never showed. A pretty good joke, thinking back.
-The first night, while at a good ole Bonedale party in a garage, a fight broke out between two Carbondale kids. It wouldn;t have been a big deal, except each had their college friends with them, who then joined in. The hostess of the party also shut off the lights right in the middle of fight, to "help," leading to complete chaos. My friends didn't get involved, because they were so high they thought Indians were sneaking up on them from the woods. They all just stood outside and watched the fight through the windows, like it was some sort of TV show.
-The Actor was on of the hall mates on the trip and, like almost everyone , had purchased a small baggie of MaryWeed from the Dealer (also on the trip). Well, at some point during the weekend, he lost this bag and made a statement that it could have been at my house. I wasn't really perturbed, as my parents are chill, but this lost bag of weed would play a focal point on the next trip.
-The free concert was the Roots, and it was the best concert I have ever been able to attend. If you get a chance, do not miss the Roots. They are fucking awesome.
-The Actor, Doodie, the Dealer and the Sad Panda all left on the final Sunday, to get home early. Which was a terrible idea because of Sunday ski traffic, but that would soon be the least of their worries. Heading through Glenwood Canyon, the Actor's Explorer nearly had a rock fall on top of it. They got lucky one of them (or more) wasn't crushed, but the rock rolled under the car, fucking up a tire. So they then spent several hours getting repairs, barely beating the group that left that evening back to Fort Collins.
2006: Sophomore Year
Number of Guests: 8
Ranch at Roaring Fork Casa
-The Dealer, Cartman and Doodie, were pulled over and given paraphernalia tickets in Longmont or somewhere at the very beginning of the trip. This delayed them quite a bit.
-My car arrived pretty early and we went to a party at Teej's house. By the time the Dealer's crew came, I was all sorts of tore up while they were relatively sober. Once we got back to my house, the Actor and I began arguing over the baggie of weed from the previous year. I was pretty blacked out, but according to reports I yelled:
"My parents found your weed, they told me."
"I've known my parents. I've known them for 20 years."
"You LOST THE WEED."
To make matters worse, I kept repeating those lines all while my parents slept about 30 feet away. Fortunately, they use a fan to make noise and put in ear plugs when I have guests, so they truthfully heard none of it.
-I had not asked my parents if they found the actors weed. It finally came up this year, and as it turns out, they did not find it. I probably owe the Actor an apology, but I think the statute of limitations is up.
-The concert was Damian Marley, which was pretty good. The highlight was Stubbs pissing on some kid during the concert and then narrowly avoiding a public urination ticket after the concert. Also, a some of the group tried to sneak onto a RFTA bus through a broken window post-concert, but got caught.
2007: Junior Year
Number of Guests: 6
RRF Casa
-The Marine, D-Fresh, Kilometers, Wheel got faded while I drove to the mountains. We also got awesome X-treme temp tattoos at a Taco Bell prior to arrival.
-We played the most epic game of Zoomie-Zoomie ever at Jam's house. It probably lasted for 3 hours.
-At the conclusion of the party, D-Fresh was subject to the bait-and-switch routine, as he was lured into a car by the promise of one girl and then passed onto another girl. We may have known this was a possibility, but sandbagged him anyway. And then, when he was frantically calling for escape, we ignored his calls and watched him get hauled away. He then woke up the next morning at a strange house with no cell phone reception. We may be bad friends, but at least we weren't cockblocks, right?
-The concert was Common, who sucked. The highlight was watching people throw snowballs at him and the opening acts. There was so much booze snuck into the park that my father, who worked for the city, said they had to have volunteers picking up glass all the way until May.
-Following the concert, we made our way to a local bar, and then we were supposed to all take the bus home together. All of my friends decided to bail on the frantic push to get onto the RFTA buses that would take us home, instead ditching me to get a ride from Aaron Carter Jr. Well, the plan was not to let anyone drive, because we had all been drinking, but they went ahead. Slightly drunk ACII then went a little too fast down Buttermilk Road, hitting some ice and doing a "720 Cliffsyde Spin," scaring the shit out of everyone in the car. Luckily no one, not even the Range, was hurt.
-On my bus ride home, I was basically followed home by a girl that wanted to get with ACII. She came to my house, stuff happened, I assume, and then I decided that my parents wouldn't be down with some random whore popping up the next morning, so I demanded that he "Get that whore out of my house." So ACII had to take another drive to get take her home, this one much less eventful.
2008: Senior Year, Lap 1
Number of Guests: 0
I was sick of X-Games and skipped it. There was no concert, so I said fuck it.
2009: Post Grad Internship
Number of Guests: 3
Parental-less RRF Casa
-About a half of a mile I was pulled over heading out of Foco for "Failure to Yield." Not a big deal, if Kilometers and Rubric hadn't baked a fresh batch of pot brownies for the weekend.
-The pot brownies did come in handy during the Pennywise concert, which was pretty awesome.
-The main highlight was Tommy Frazier headbutting and splitting open my eyebrow during an argument about "Asshole" that was still going hours after anyone remembers playing Asshole.
-The fucking way people talk ("sick nasty pow-pow"). Especially when those same people tend to get on me for "talking black."
-The awful commentary ("Wow, bro, [insert name of snowboarder] is really going huge. Aspen, make some noise to help him even though he is listening to Atmosphere on his headphones right now and so high he doesn't know what country he is in.")
-How ridiculous the sponsorship is ("Let's go to Super Gay Sal Masakala at the Jeep Pizza Roll Taco Bell ESPN Trophy Stage, sponsored by the US Navy), especially since snowboarders and X-athletes were never going to sell out and were such REBELS, brosef. You fags sold out quicker than Tickle Me Elmo dolls in 2000.
-Shaun White. He wins everything. Even the SnowCrosXtreme. And if he doesn't win, no one fucking knows any of the other people. Because unless you are actually related to or went to preschool with one of the athletes (like I did with Peter Olenick /namedrop) then you couldn't really give two shits about who wins.
With all the negative out of the way, there are two positives to the X-Games:
1) Everyone from the Roaring Fork Valley collects their group of shithead friends and brings them home for a weekend of drinking, debauchery, a free concert, as little actual X-Games events as possible and drinking. It is awesome. Almost Xtra-awesome.
2) Sometimes people fall spectacularly and break like 50 bones. Sadly, this has gone down since they got rid of Frozen MotoXtreme (who would have thought that would be dangerous?)
The X-Games spawned some awesome stories, so I will attempt to share the best ones, in chronic-logical order. I'm sure I forgot some, so make sure to remind me. As you will see, there was much drinking, smoking and a startling number of near-death experiences.
2005: Freshman Year
Number of Guests: 7
Missouri Heights Sack Residence
-After months of asking who wanted to attend, and finally settling on seven hall mates, two more decided they were just about an hour before we left. I told them no. They said they would come anyway. Saying they would sleep in a car in my driveway and were going to do it no matter what. They then left voice mails suggesting that they in fact came up anyway and wanted to fight us all for leaving them behind. They actually never showed. A pretty good joke, thinking back.
-The first night, while at a good ole Bonedale party in a garage, a fight broke out between two Carbondale kids. It wouldn;t have been a big deal, except each had their college friends with them, who then joined in. The hostess of the party also shut off the lights right in the middle of fight, to "help," leading to complete chaos. My friends didn't get involved, because they were so high they thought Indians were sneaking up on them from the woods. They all just stood outside and watched the fight through the windows, like it was some sort of TV show.
-The Actor was on of the hall mates on the trip and, like almost everyone , had purchased a small baggie of MaryWeed from the Dealer (also on the trip). Well, at some point during the weekend, he lost this bag and made a statement that it could have been at my house. I wasn't really perturbed, as my parents are chill, but this lost bag of weed would play a focal point on the next trip.
-The free concert was the Roots, and it was the best concert I have ever been able to attend. If you get a chance, do not miss the Roots. They are fucking awesome.
-The Actor, Doodie, the Dealer and the Sad Panda all left on the final Sunday, to get home early. Which was a terrible idea because of Sunday ski traffic, but that would soon be the least of their worries. Heading through Glenwood Canyon, the Actor's Explorer nearly had a rock fall on top of it. They got lucky one of them (or more) wasn't crushed, but the rock rolled under the car, fucking up a tire. So they then spent several hours getting repairs, barely beating the group that left that evening back to Fort Collins.
2006: Sophomore Year
Number of Guests: 8
Ranch at Roaring Fork Casa
-The Dealer, Cartman and Doodie, were pulled over and given paraphernalia tickets in Longmont or somewhere at the very beginning of the trip. This delayed them quite a bit.
-My car arrived pretty early and we went to a party at Teej's house. By the time the Dealer's crew came, I was all sorts of tore up while they were relatively sober. Once we got back to my house, the Actor and I began arguing over the baggie of weed from the previous year. I was pretty blacked out, but according to reports I yelled:
"My parents found your weed, they told me."
"I've known my parents. I've known them for 20 years."
"You LOST THE WEED."
To make matters worse, I kept repeating those lines all while my parents slept about 30 feet away. Fortunately, they use a fan to make noise and put in ear plugs when I have guests, so they truthfully heard none of it.
-I had not asked my parents if they found the actors weed. It finally came up this year, and as it turns out, they did not find it. I probably owe the Actor an apology, but I think the statute of limitations is up.
-The concert was Damian Marley, which was pretty good. The highlight was Stubbs pissing on some kid during the concert and then narrowly avoiding a public urination ticket after the concert. Also, a some of the group tried to sneak onto a RFTA bus through a broken window post-concert, but got caught.
2007: Junior Year
Number of Guests: 6
RRF Casa
-The Marine, D-Fresh, Kilometers, Wheel got faded while I drove to the mountains. We also got awesome X-treme temp tattoos at a Taco Bell prior to arrival.
-We played the most epic game of Zoomie-Zoomie ever at Jam's house. It probably lasted for 3 hours.
-At the conclusion of the party, D-Fresh was subject to the bait-and-switch routine, as he was lured into a car by the promise of one girl and then passed onto another girl. We may have known this was a possibility, but sandbagged him anyway. And then, when he was frantically calling for escape, we ignored his calls and watched him get hauled away. He then woke up the next morning at a strange house with no cell phone reception. We may be bad friends, but at least we weren't cockblocks, right?
-The concert was Common, who sucked. The highlight was watching people throw snowballs at him and the opening acts. There was so much booze snuck into the park that my father, who worked for the city, said they had to have volunteers picking up glass all the way until May.
-Following the concert, we made our way to a local bar, and then we were supposed to all take the bus home together. All of my friends decided to bail on the frantic push to get onto the RFTA buses that would take us home, instead ditching me to get a ride from Aaron Carter Jr. Well, the plan was not to let anyone drive, because we had all been drinking, but they went ahead. Slightly drunk ACII then went a little too fast down Buttermilk Road, hitting some ice and doing a "720 Cliffsyde Spin," scaring the shit out of everyone in the car. Luckily no one, not even the Range, was hurt.
-On my bus ride home, I was basically followed home by a girl that wanted to get with ACII. She came to my house, stuff happened, I assume, and then I decided that my parents wouldn't be down with some random whore popping up the next morning, so I demanded that he "Get that whore out of my house." So ACII had to take another drive to get take her home, this one much less eventful.
2008: Senior Year, Lap 1
Number of Guests: 0
I was sick of X-Games and skipped it. There was no concert, so I said fuck it.
2009: Post Grad Internship
Number of Guests: 3
Parental-less RRF Casa
-About a half of a mile I was pulled over heading out of Foco for "Failure to Yield." Not a big deal, if Kilometers and Rubric hadn't baked a fresh batch of pot brownies for the weekend.
-The pot brownies did come in handy during the Pennywise concert, which was pretty awesome.
-The main highlight was Tommy Frazier headbutting and splitting open my eyebrow during an argument about "Asshole" that was still going hours after anyone remembers playing Asshole.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Jersey Shore Hook-Up: Week 9
Why? Why must it end? I feel like it was only a month ago that we all moved in together and made out in the hot tub. Now, we all have to return to our parents' houses.
When we last checked, Ronald was claiming self-defense after running 30 yards to clock some fool. Now, he is in jail. And everyone sleeps in too long and they are late to pick him up. Some family.
-"Should I call 9-11?" Yes, Snooks, call 9-11 to find someone in jail.
-"Israelis would have shot someone."- Pauly D.
"Israelis would have been like (Scarface machine gun mime)." -Vinny. Jewish people are going to love that.
-Juicehead Central. The Baseball Hall of Fame is in Cooperstown, New York, maybe the Juicehead wing should be in Seaside, Jerz, so McGwire and Sosa can have somewhere to be enshrined.
-"10 will get you 20, Mike." -Vinny. "Age of consent in New Jersey is 16, enough said."
My daughter is never setting foot inside the state of Jersey. Ever.
-"She can be my new girlfriend for the next few months, until I break up with her before next summer."- Sit. I'm wish that I had seen this show when I was an impressionable teen, because I would have tried to act like this guy. Instead, I read Tucker Max's stories and just drank mass amounts of booze and assumed the girls would be impressed. Not sure either plan would have been great.
-Snooks gets all sorts of pissed that Keith won't hang out. The man has a job. Not everyone just gets to
Then she gets all pissed that no one will come down to the boardwalk to dance with her. Go up to the bar. Or is she too short to climb steps? Climbing up to that bar would have been like Summiting Everest.
-"(The arcade) is sort of like Chucky Cheese...For dudes." -The Sit. Good save, Mikey, but I know you actually prefer the trim at Chucky's.
-The Situation says Snicks is like his little sister, then goes and hooks up with her (actually,
-"If you are hungry, try a Snickers." Wonder how much MTV made from that quote.
-Vinny finally retaliates to Mike. Something about Bulldog girls. It is fucking weak. I would have pissed in his bed. Both appear ready to settle for a tie in their competition. They say a tie is like kissing your sister, which is very fitting for Vin and Mike.
-MONTAGE...EVERYBODY LOVES A MONTAGE.
-"20-30 years from now I'll remember everything." -J-Wowwwww. Even though she can't ever remember last night.
-"'The Snooks' is out." Classic. Ending the show with 3rd person. Drink.
Commercial break: I will never, ever watch a second of the 'Lovely Bones' due to all the fucking commercials I have been accosted with while watching Jersey Shore and the Real World. In fact, I want to find the actress who played that girl, and stab her. Come get ME, Marky Mark.
Reunion:
Bonus Shore. /Fist Pump
-In the bonus round, Vin calls the Situation the house mother. Does that mean he hooked up with his own sister? The incest comes full circle. But a point for Vinny in the battle. 5-4, or something. I'm too drunk to really care.
-"You have to walk through the Weeds to get to the flowers." -Mike. Yeah, but you don't have to fuck the weeds.
-I think I should take all of the best Jersey Shore quotes, put them on a calender, and sell them. Mix in some "New Haircut" lines and some other famous Guido quotes. Guido-a-day calender, coming 2010.
-"I'm never going to go hungry" -The Sit, talking about eating Shore Beef (aka that pussy).
"Not with the kinda girls you bring home." -Ron, with authority.
-"Boyfriend or not, I don't care. He is a sucker." -Pauly D, just called out Tawmmy. If they do a season two, he needs to come up to fight Paul. That would be TV Platinum.
-Vinny's mom is awesome. I want to bang her.
-The Situation and Angelina are awesome together. They need to get her to come to the Shore next summer. They might 'smush" or one may shoot the other, but it would be great for dranking. And that is what is important.
-Ronny and Sam's breakup only happened six months too late. GAAAAYYYYYYYYYY. And possibly more staged than the WWE. WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT YEAR? Am I going to have to wait a whole year? Will Ronald kill her and bang the corpse? So many questions.
-"Did any cops walk away with my number?" -Ron. Yes, the cops did. Your driver's license, your case number, your cell block number, etc.
-If you were playing the fistpump=drink game, you just died. Sorry 'bout that.
/BLACKOUT
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